 Hollywood, California, the Lux Radio Theater presents Errol Flynn and Joan Blondell in The Perfect Specimen with Mae Robson. This is a play which tells how romance comes to a young man who never does anything the wrong way. Starved, as they were on the screen, are Errol Flynn, Joan Blondell and Mae Robson. And our special guest is Dr. Floyd L. Rue, Distinguished Psychologist of the University of Southern California. Conducting our music is Louis Silver's. Now before turning the microphone over to Mr. DeMille, may I say a word about the famous white soap that brings you this program? When the lovely Hollywood stars talk about feminine charm, lovely women everywhere listen. And that's why Lux Toilet Soap, the screen star's gentle complexion care, is being used more and more as a bath soap, too. Such beautiful stars as Loretta Young say, with fragrant Lux soap, it's easy to be sure of daintiness. Its active lather leaves skin fresh and sweet. I always use it. You'll be delighted with the rich, fragrant lather of Lux Toilet soap, with the delicate perfume it leaves on your skin. Make it your daily beauty bath. And here's your host and the producer of the Lux Radio Theater. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Cecil B. DeMille. Holiday greetings from Hollywood, ladies and gentlemen. The start of a new year is always a time of adventure. And tonight we bring you an adventurer and the person of Earl Flynn. A constable in the New Guinea police at 17, then overseer of a copra plantation, then columnist for a Sydney, Australia newspaper, master of a trading boat, gold prospector, member of the Australian boxing team in the 1928 Olympics, he's never stopped roving. He hopes to do his next roving on his yacht, the Soraco Second, in the annual race from California to Hawaii. At present he's starring in Dawn Patrol, Warner Brothers' current success. Tonight, Earl re-enacts the same part he played in a previous film hit. He becomes Gerald Wicks in the perfect specimen. Joan Blondell is the lovely lady who stars opposite him tonight, just as she did in the picture. Born in New York, Joan spent her first seven birthdays in seven different countries. Traveling with her father, a noted Bordeville comedian, her first 22 birthdays were spent in 22 different cities. But Joan didn't troop directly into Screen Stardom. She ran a dress shop in Texas and worked in a New York bookstore before coming to Hollywood and set sprightly Warner films as her new one, called Off the Record. She's heard tonight as Mona Carter. And that grand veteran of the footlights, Miss May Robson, begins her 56th year of acting by joining our cast as Mrs. Leona Wicks. And so the Lux Radio Theatre opens its 1939 season, presenting Earl Flynn and Joan Blondell in the perfect specimen. At Wickstead, the imposing estate of the fabulous Mrs. Leona Wicks and our still more fabulous grandson Gerald. Fulching this Pennsylvania mansion, we see two guards patrolling inside the fence with savage looking great dames on leashes. Before the door of the house is a sign that reads, Don't Enter Without Ringing, beside it another that says, Don't Ring. Disregarding all this, we peer into the Wickstead dining room. Grandma Leona Wicks enters bristly and is greeted by a retinue of servants. A chiming clock is heard, as Grandma consults the old fashioned watch dangling from a chain around her neck. That clock's wrong again, 15 seconds slow. Well, don't stand around like a lot of the nice, serve the breakfast. Where's everybody? Where's Mr. Grapham? Here I am, Mrs. Wicks. Of course you are. I can see you can't I? That clock in the hall's 15 seconds slow. Call the clockmaker. But I really don't... Then get another clock. Yes, Mrs. Wicks. And another thing. I heard a rooster start to crow this morning. Find out who is responsible and dismiss it. Yes. Gerald's sleep must not be disturbed. Not Alicia's. Yes, Mrs. Wicks. Well, well, where is everyone this morning? Good morning, Art Leona. Good morning. Practically afternoon. Alicia, I don't like your hair that way. Did you sleep well? Not like a lord. Nonsense. Logs have bumps. Young ladies don't. Well, Gerald. Evidently overslept. 30 seconds. Now, don't you be impudent. Yes, ma'am. Alfred, what's my grandson's schedule for today? No. Outdoor study. 10 o'clock. Business administration. 11. Luncheon. 12. 30. Scientific relaxation. Till 2. Gymnasium. Till 3. Industrial lawn. Interstate commerce. Till 4. Come on. Go on. Relaxation in the open and the reading of some improving work. Till dinner. After dinner. After dinner, he gets locked in his cell. What a life. Don't mumble, Alicia. What were you saying? Art Leona, you trust me with Gerald, don't you? I decided he should marry you, didn't I? Well, then why couldn't we go out and have some fun once in a while? There's a dance tonight. I don't be absurd. You can dance here. Gerald dances perfectly, his instructors tell me. That's a trouble, Aunt Leona. You have him doing everything perfectly. Perhaps too perfectly. Well, what's wrong with that? You should be proud to know that your husband-to-be will soon take his place at the head of the Wix Utilities. And he'll be the mental, moral and physical superior of every one of his 10,000 employees. The perfect specimen. Good morning, Grandma. Good morning, everyone. Gerald, you're late. Yes. I'm sorry, Grandma. Just a few minutes. A few minutes? Huh. Empires have been lost, fortunes swept away, because someone was just a few minutes too late. Yes, but Grandma... Gerald, I don't like conversation at the breakfast table. I don't like Gerald's attitude this morning. It's positively revolutionary. Now after breakfast, if you would be good enough to accompany Gerald outdoors and see that he really studies. Grandma's saying that. She knows perfectly well I always keep up with my schedule. So I see. Impressive-looking book, that. What is it, Mr. Gerald? This? Oh, it's the effect of gravity upon inanimate objects. Very interesting. Oh, well, it'll be on me, but then I was never a conditioned baby like you were. What? Hello. What's that? Sounds like a tractor. Oh, yes, that's what it is. There's some work to be done down by the fence. A new man was hired yesterday. A young man named Jink, I believe. A new man? Well, I don't understand that at all. Of course, I know there must be employment for everybody, but Grandma knows perfectly well I know how to run a tractor. Six years of motor mechanics, and she won't even let me put it in the tractor. Do you have the gold? No, no, no, no, no, no, that's why duckies were born. Mona, I happen to be working here, System 9. I'm running a tractor. Now, stay on your side of the fence. All right. Now, listen, my darling brother. I've been looking all over the place for you. I've got a real job for you, Jink. That bridge-span at Providence. They want an engineer harbored man with experience, and possibly not too bright. So you'd fit perfectly, darling. Don't give me that. You don't care where I work. How did you know I was here, Mona? Well, I figured when a man gives up a job, a supervising engineer, to be a jockey on a plow, there's a reason. You know, you shouldn't leave romantic summer resort letters lying around. And can that Alicia gal steam up a wicked fountain pen? Oh, who is she, Jank? She lives here? I ought to sock you once. There's now beaded before you get me fired for talking to strangers. Not till you tell me. I don't intend to. You think I want old Wichstead down on my neck? Wichstead? You mean THE Wichstead? Where the heir to the Wichst millions is being scientifically developed into the first Superman? The perfect specimen? This is the place. Oh, do you suppose I could see him? Oh, Jank, please take me inside and introduce me to him. You can do it. Nobody can see him. Nobody? Nobody. Want a bet? Now listen, Mona, for peach sakes. Hey, hey, where are you going? I don't know. Do you mean driving through our fence? I don't know yet. Who are you? My name is Wix. Gerald Beresford Wix. I live here. Oh, I see. My name's Mona Carter. Do you mind if I get out and look at the damage? No, not at all. Certainly very calm. Most girls would be in hysterics by now, crashing through a fence. You must have plenty of nerve. Nerve? You have no idea. Oh, well, don't worry. I'm onto your game. Game? Yes. They all try it. Who all try what? Women. To be fascinating. But I was too smart for you. I saw through you almost at once. Are you a reporter? No, I am not a reporter. Well, at least sometimes I are reporters and photographers. They pop out of bushes at you around here. Are you sure you're... I'm not a reporter. Oh, well then, who are you? Oh, I'm sort of a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. When I do things like crashing through a fence, it's the Tilly Spectnagle and me coming out. The witch? Tilly Spectnagle. You see, when I was a kid and did anything like, oh, you know, stealing jam or breaking a window, I always said it was a little girl named Tilly Spectnagle who did it. I'm usually a very well-behaved young lady named Mona Carter, but Tilly's always there lurking. Lurking? Yeah, and ready to smash through. You've certainly smashed through. Not much damage to the car, though. How do you know? Well, I've just been looking at it. I'm a master mechanic. Oh, yes, yes, you would be. The perfect specimen must be all things. Of course. Of course. You know, I've always wanted to meet you, Mr. Wicks. Oh, you are a reporter. I am not. Don't you dare call me a reporter again. Well, there's only one other thing you could be. You're a designing female. I am not, you idiot. I wouldn't marry you if, well, in the first place, you're stiff and you're dull, and worst of all, you're conceited. Conceited? No, no, I don't think I'm conceited. Hey, tell me something. Have you ever been tight? Tight? Of course not. Grandma wouldn't stand for it. Ever seen a burly show? Well, certainly not. Why, Grandma... Ever kissed a girl? Now, listen, don't you start anything. I can't afford to be compromised. You can't afford to? Well, and you think you're not conceited. Say, listen, why don't you mix with the common herd? Are you really so fragile you have to stay cooped up in here? Hey, do you ever think of running away? Running away? Where, too? Nothing ever happens here or anywhere else. It isn't dull or boring. There's almost nothing. Um, would you, uh, care to stay a little longer? Oh, you're unbending. Well, I'll stay for a minute. I feel as though there's something Tilly wants to tell you. What's Tilly wants to tell me? Windmills, do you know what you need, my friend? You need to tilt a windmill or two. Windmill or two? Yeah, didn't you ever read Don Coyote? Well, naturally, I've read everything that's improving to the mind, but... Oh, oh yes, uh, Don Coyote, the man that fought the windmill. Marvelous! Well, thanks for everything. And if Grandma ever releases you on parole... If you won't... Or if you decide to hop over the walls, remember, you've got a friend. You? No, Tilly Specknagle. Tilly wants me to tell you that she'd love to help and escape convict. Goodbye! Hey! You can't drive off! All right, Grandma. Take her number, Gerald. What's all this? It's an accident, Grandma. Who's accident? Well, this is her girl. What girl? Why did she do it? Why wouldn't she kill it? Anyone as stupid as that? Who is this young female? Mona Carter's my name and you, I suppose, are Grandma. You're not supposed to suppose anything. What are you doing here? I know. She's got designs. No, she hasn't any designs, Grandma. It was an accident. She's good-looking, isn't she? Well... Answer your Grandma, Gerald. Well, I... yes, I suppose so. Oh, there you are, then. She's got designs. Mr. Gratton, take her number. I took it, Mrs. Wheat. Take it again and look at the license. Now, this is all very unpleasant, Miss. I'll have to see your driver's license, please. But, Officer, I didn't know the light was red. You see, I'm colorblind. Your license, please. Here you are. Now, girl. What have you got to say for yourself? Why, I didn't know it was allowed. What was allowed? For anyone to talk but you. Oh! But since I have the chance, there's one thing I do want to say to all of you, and that is... Goodbye. It was nice running into you. Oh, look, wait. Don't go through that fence again. Stop. All I do is start and stop this car. Well, what is it? Well, I don't know. I do, Gerald. Remember what I said about windmills? What are you two whispering about? Gerald, do you remember? Yes. You mean, uh, Don Quixote? Windmills? Two to me. Well, start with Grandma. You'll never meet a bigger one. Goodbye. Goodbye. A copy of Don Quixote in the house. You can't kiss me. Well, I did. And I'm going to again. Jing, please. You mustn't. Why not? Because... Because I like it so much. It isn't fair to Gerald. It's bad enough I sneaked away for a moonlight ride with you. Oh, I've got to go in now. Now, listen. If you don't tell that puffed-up ego, he's not engaged to you anymore. I'm going to walk in there and kick the li- It isn't Gerald I'm worried about. It's Grandma Quix. Grandma Quix. Oh, why don't you try to understand? She's been set on my marrying Gerald since I was 16. She's my guardian. I have nothing of my own. If she cuts me off... Oh, I have to marry Gerald. Alicia, are you in love with that Gerald squirt? Oh, he's not a squirt. Are you... He's round them all, very push them all, very... Who? It looks like young NASA wicks, he said. Gerald? It's this hour. Oh, Jing, better let me go. Bye, darling. Hey. What? Hey, you. Oh, yes. You're the tractor man. Yeah, it's kind of dark. How'd you know? Well, you're sitting on your tractor. Brilliant. Is that your car over there? Down to the last rattle. What about it? Oh, nothing except I was going to steal it. I saw you. I think I'll just borrow it. I want a pair of visors. You'll stay away for a year. You can have it. I'll only be gone for tonight. Will you rent it then? How much? $25. Okay, it's a deal. Right, here. And I say, my man, don't mention it. Oh, very well, my good fellow. If you never come back, it'll be too soon. What? I said, give her plenty of oil and she'll take you to the top of the world. Oh, yes. Thanks. That's where I'm going. Oh, yes. Yes, I was coming to that. He's nowhere to be found. Well, he's got to be found. Don't tell me he can drop from sight in broad daylight. But they've been over the estate with a curry coat. Perhaps he's run away. Oh, stuff and nonsense. What did you want to do that for? Didn't you have everything in the world? And I think the girl who broke through the fence yesterday could have anything to do with it. Hello. Mr. DeMille and our stars will return for act two of the perfect specimen. Meantime, in our brief intermission, let's eavesdrop for a few minutes on someone who's a good friend of all of us, our corner grocer. Morning, Joe. Oh, I'm OK. I was a little tuckered out sadly night. You see, some people don't decide what they have for Sunday dinner. It'll all be late. Oh, answer that, will you, Joe? Oh, Mrs. Van Buren? I'll take it. You say somebody must have been walking on eggs over here. I don't understand. Broken? Oh, I'm mighty sorry. I'll send over another dozen right away. Oh, Bill. Bill, take these. And remember, Mrs. Van Buren prefers to scramble them herself. Oh, Mrs. Brown's chauffeur left her order this morning. Help me get it together, will you, Joe? Let's see. A dozen oranges. Three pounds of print butter. A dozen luck soap. You know, Joe, that lady could spend any amount on expensive soaps, but she always gets lucks. Says it's fine for a skin. Some swell-looking lady, too. You know, I was telling the wife about her, and she kind of sniffed and said, well, what's wrong with my looks? Me and the movie stars have been using luck soap for years. And confidentially, Joe, you've got to admit that she's there when it comes to looks. And don't you? Oh, quick, Joe, here comes Mrs. Norton. You know how she hates to wait. Yes, your grocer or drugist will tell you he sells dozens of cakes of luck's toilet soap to women who buy the best, for no finer toilet soap can be made than this gentle, white, delicately perfumed soap. And yet, it is very inexpensive. Luck soap cares for more famous complexions than any other soap in the world. Nine out of ten Hollywood stars use it. And it cares for the complexions of just plain folks, too. Fine-looking women and girls the country over. Its active lather removes dust, dirt, stale cosmetics thoroughly. Screen stars tell you it's foolish to risk cosmetic skin, dullness, tiny blemishes, and large pores. Use luck's toilet soap regularly. We do. Here's our producer, Mr. DeMille. We continue with the perfect specimen, starring Errol Flynn and Joan Blondel with Mae Robson. Sunset that same day. The outskirts of the town of Barrisfield. Gerald drives up to a small garage and hunks his horn. Getting no reply, he hunks it again. Cicero Hooker, the proprietor, comes out and looks at Gerald with definite annoyance. Hi, D. Shall I fill her up? No thanks. I'm looking for the car to reasons. You can take your choice. There's a whole flock of them around here. Well, the carter I'm looking for has a daughter. Well, they all got daughters. Well, this one's rather nice-looking. Well, why didn't you say so? That there is Professor Carter's gal. Say, if you think she's only kind of nice-looking, you'd better get you some cheaters. Yes, yes, but where'd she live? Well, you go straight down the street here and you turn to your right at the first road outside of town, and it's a white house there with a picket fence around her. Well, picket fence? Well, thanks very much. Do you have any chance? Right through our fence. I didn't think you had that much nerve. Well, I saw something on the porch that interested me. It was a girl reading on a front porch. Oh, quite funny. Funny? Tell me, how did you bust out of that basket? Through that hole he made in our fence. I stole Gratton's address book out of his pocket when he was asleep. How did you do, sir? I beg your pardon, my dear, but... Father, this is Mr. Gerald Beresford Wicks. Gerald, my father, Professor Carter. How do you do, my boy? How do you do, sir? I want to apologize. Not at all. Not at all. Always glad to have Mona's friends drop in. Oh, I mean, I want to apologize about your fence. You see, Father, Mr. Wicks had an accident. Something... Something happened with his steering wheel and he ran through the fence. Oh, yes, to be sure. How unfortunate. I must apologize to you, Mr. Wicks. Mr. Wicks for the fence being in the way. Oh. I can see now that it is a distinct menace to public safety. I shall have it removed. Don't mind Dad, Gerald. You know, he's terrifically famous, aren't you, Dad? Yes, indeed. He's a horticulturist. The King of Sweden gave a medal for... What was that for, Father? For my study of the cytological detail of the ocultae. No, that reminds me. The lilybugs that Professor Mannheim sent me from China came in on the 10 o'clock local. They're at the station now. You will pardon my excitement, but these are genuine tongwas. Most rare. Tongwas? Not the tongwa from Yuanqiang Valley? Why, they'll have to be set out immediately, sir. The perfect specimen sees all those. What were you saying, my dear? Oh, about the bulbs, Dad. You want me to drive down and get them, don't you? Of course not, darling. Come on, Jerry. Jerry, oh, me? Yes, of course. Goodbye, young fellow. I'll have that fence removed first thing. Oh, thanks. Well, you know, Tilly, I must say your father could give Grandma a lesson on how to act when strangers come crashing through their fences. He could give her lessons in anything. Say, do you know what you called me back there? No, what? Well, you called me Jerry. Would you mind still doing it? Yes, I'd be glad to. Hello, Jerry. Oh, hello. Thanks. Would you like some music, Jerry? The station's still a way off, Jerry. Thanks. Dad, Mara Wicks has unleashed the bloodhounds already. What are you going to do? Well, I'm not going to let myself be hauled back there like a runaway schoolboy. I'm going to stay out as late as I like. Bravo! Yes, that Don Quixote, he was the one. Courage. Even if the world laughed at him, he didn't care. Oh, let him laugh at me, too. I don't care either. Say, Jerry, it may be just head noises, but I think somebody wants to pass. What? Hey, that trucks on top of it. Jerry, get off the road. Jerry, that big ape's almost knocked us into a ditch. Hey, what's the idea, punk? What's your idea, your big chomp trying to run us into that tree? Say, you can't talk to Pinky like that. Fight down, Clara Bellinale, listen. You keep on it, your sister. You wouldn't be the first day of my smackdown. Oh, now look here, my man. You can't speak that way to a lady. My man, don't you mind me? You're stuck up straight for two cents. I'll pop you in a push. Oh, you're making a big mistake. My steak has stepped on here. Jerry, you can't fight him. I'm going to spar with him. Spar, come on. I'll mop up that wine with you. You know, you ought to keep your chin covered and leave with your left, like this. Sorry, I had to do that. Grandma, I think you've got something there. I hope I haven't hurt you seriously. I'll help you up. Pinky, Pinky, are you hurt? I'm moided. Oh. Listen, I'm sorry, Guy. You know you've got a punch here. Oh, thank you. You know, the champion McGraw is telling me that. I believe he expressed it a kick like a mule. Yeah, he must have had some terrific mules. Well, my name's Pinky Cassidy. Mrs. B. Dame Clara Bella Moipy. Oh, how'd it do? This is Miss Mona Carter. My name is Gerald. Gerald, you mean to say I got licked by your guy named Gerald? I'll call you a tricky. Pinky, look at your eyes. Where's me eye? Where's me eye? What's the matter with it? Oh, how can a guy see eyes? Look, look in my mirror. Whoa, holy mackerel, get a load of that lamp. Now, Pinky, be a man. It'll be all right in a day or so. No, it ain't. That is just enough. I don't know. I'm going to have another fight. Don't forget to lead with your left. Where's the fight? It's the annual picnic at a truck driver's and teamsters' local. They got each and beer and games and dancing. But the best thing on the whole program is the price fight. Yeah, I think he was going to get $150 for fighting the headliner. But he can't with his eye closed up. Where was going to take the dough and get married on it? No, we can't. Well, of course he might not have won, you know. I see. How about my substituting for you? You know, allow me to fight in your place. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what? Would you do that tricky? Say, what a pearl. What a pearl? Shake pearl. Oh, thanks, pal. Now, if you'll tell me how to get to this picnic, don't we? All right. Come on, Mona. Remember those windmills. Mr. Connolly is a very deceiving character. He might think he beat me. What do you mean, Pinky? But I'm afraid I'll have to knock this nice Mr. Connolly out. I've got to get out of here immediately. Yeah, that's it. Did you knock him out? I hope for more, right? I beg your pardon, Mr. Connolly, but I have to do this. I don't know how to take it, Twiggy, but you know I feel like a tramp taking a whole wide... I'll go on and take it, stupid. You know you're going to anyway. Actually, I don't think I can. No, no, you see, he's wanted by the police and if he doesn't get away, you know what's going on. Yeah, taking it on the lamb, huh? Yes, on the lamb. Well, Pinky, goodbye. It's a pleasure knowing you. Goodbye. The assured, intriguing manner part of it. Well, come think of it, it does. Jerry, you better take me home. They'll catch up with me, you know. I'm wanted by the law for kidnapping and I'm scared. Scared? What about those windmills? What's that got to do with it? Well, you said if I was ever wanted to fight with a windmill, you'd be in art with me. Now, I'm not through fighting windmills, Tilly. We're not going home, either. In fact, we're going to park right here and look at the river. Moonlight on the water. It's lovely. Oh, Kista, girl. Mm-hmm. Well... Well... Gord, a hitchhiker. Look at him. He's wearing a flowing tie and shorts. He'll catch cold. He'll catch a free ride back to the asylum if he's what I think he is. The blessings are new for medicines, too. I feign would ask a hoist of you, McCormick. Oh, certainly. But we were planning to sit here a while. Oh, fine. I'm not in a hurry. Oh, do you mind riding in the back seat? A lift, I shall scorn not, be it ever so humble, a front seat, a back seat, or even a rumble. That's perfect. Now, a few people have. Where to, Mr. Shaw? Somewhere around here, but I'm not quite sure where. I'm not very practical, you know, but I think a couple of... Yes, the sandwiches were lovely. But we really can't stay. My house is yours. The use of the lot, I never knew what it meant. You know, it's a great honor to entertain you. Oh, Berry, Berry. Mr. and Mrs. Tricky Berry. Mr. and Mrs. A. Well, that will fix the blanket situation. Now, I have an extra sleeping porch and a bedroom in there. Of course, the bedroom's just been painted. You can take your choice. Oh, no, but wait. No, I don't think... We've got to, Jerry. What else can we do? Where can we go? Well, uh, thanks. Fine. Well, good night. Good night. Parting is such sweet sorrow that I must say good night until tomorrow. Shakespeare. He stole it. Good night. See you in the morning. Well, Gerald, I'll flip you for the sleeping porch. Oh, never mind. How dare you say you were married to me? Why, what would... What would Grandma say? Oh, I knew it. Good night. You may find the paint pretty fresh, but you'll probably have a solution for that, too. Good night. Don't slam any doors on me. Hey. Hey, what did you do? I locked you in. That's what I did. Didn't Grandma always lock you in? How dare I say I'm married to you, indeed? Who wants you? Who have you? Mona. Mona. They ought to give you back to the Indians. Mona. Mona. You have no sense of humor at all. You can't even take a joke. And that's what it would be like to marry to you a joke. Mona, I can't breathe in here. I can't breathe. Right now, I think. Couldn't breathe in here, the paint. Oh, God. How are you? Good night. This short intermission, Errol Flynn, Joan Blondell, and Mae Rubson will be heard in Act 3. In just a minute, our producer, Mr. DeMille, will bring you our special guest of the evening. Meanwhile, here's a tip for those clever women who know that clear, lovely skin wins and holds romance. Nine out of ten glamorous Hollywood stars use luck's toilet soap as their complexion care. This mild white soap has active lather that removes dirt, dust, and stale cosmetics thoroughly and leaves your complexion fresh and lovely. Use luck's toilet soap regularly. Before you renew makeup, always before you go to bed. Now, Mr. DeMille. In a world where perfection is rare, a person as super-superlative as the Gerald Wicks of our play deserves a little investigation. So we've called in Dr. Floyd L. Rue, Associate Professor of Psychology at the University of Southern California. In his field, Professor Rue is somewhat of a perfect specimen himself. During 1938, his book Psychology and Life was the best-selling volume of its kind in the world. Thanks, Mr. DeMille. But before you scare your listeners thinking that I have a three-foot beard and use words even longer than that, please let me say that I don't read palms, feel bumps on the head, or attempt to cure fallen arches. Having read your book, I can say that psychology is simply a science which attempts to understand the feelings of people and the reasons why they do things. Yes, that's about it. I'll take Gerald Wicks, for example. As a perfect specimen, is Gerald a trifle barmaid, Professor? No, Gerald's just suffering from too much discipline. He's had an overdose of grandma. He's been bossed too much. What's wrong with discipline? Too much bossing can make any man lose all hope. He'll swallow his pride until some day it boils over in an act of violence. The jails are full of such cases. Or he might easily seek to stimulate his wilded ego by reviving it in alcohol. Or he might do something as harmless as becoming a jitterbug, to forget his disappointment in the emotions of sound and rhythm. Anyway, let's not worry too much about Gerald. Perhaps love may point the way whether grandma likes it or not. In any case, Act 3 will tell us. Do you think love is the solution for all human unhappiness? Not for all, but the right kind of love can go a long way to help. By the right kind, I mean the enduring kind of affection that involves cooperation between life partners and the surrender of certain selfish habits. The Casanova type of lover who hurries from one girlfriend to the next is trying to escape unhappiness and love. Just as the drunkard attempts to escape it in alcohol, neither method works. True love teaches us to sacrifice and to consider the feelings of others. It gives us no time for self-pity. And self-pity comes close to being the greatest single cause of human unhappiness. Are there any qualities in a man, professor, that will never come to the surface unless he's lucky enough to find exactly the right wife? Let me answer that by saying that there's no woman capable of turning her husband's stupidity into genius. But she can certainly help him to keep from showing it. She can, for example, make the timid soul feel important. His job may be menial, but if he's appreciated at home, he'll feel that life's worthwhile and that he has something to work for. Sometimes an otherwise meek husband becomes a regular bully at home, roaring at his wife if the soup's cold and if they holler for the funny paper. On the other hand, a clever woman can show a conceited man the way off his high horse without his even knowing it. She can teach the spin-thrift the pleasures of saving and the selfish man the joys of giving. You seem to know all about happiness and marriage. Don't you psychologists ever quarrel with your wives? We're human beings first and psychologists after. The answer's a humble yes. You in a case like that. We go to see a psychologist. Goodbye, Mr. DeMille. Ha ha ha. You're a head man, professor. The perfect specimen, starring Errol Flynn as Gerald and Joan Blundell as Mona with May Robeson as grandmother Wicks. It's the following morning in Killigrew Shores Kitchen, the poet and Mona are seated at the table eating a hearty breakfast. Gerald, with an apron tied around his waist, is at the stove frying flapjack. The flapjack's pretty good. Where'd you learn to cook? Well, you see, most of the big industrial plans today have their own cafeterias for the employees and it's a duty of the employers to make sure the food is wholesome and well cooked. So is the perspective. Chap! Oh, yes. Oh, if I were the bride of a man who could cook, I do not but sit back in a nook with a book. I say that's pretty fair, isn't it? Yes. Your corns are certainly better this morning. Yes. Too bad you folks can't stay. I'd be glad to engage you, Mr. Betty. A hundred a month and bored, nothing to do but cook. Oh, it's very kind of... Oh, no, but there is something you could do for me, though. Oh, it's already granted. What is it? Well, we're rather short of funds. Do you think it'd cash a small check for me? Say, $50? Oh, delighted! I'd like to cash checks for my friends, though they'll sell them any good. I'll get the money while you make out the check. Faith in my friends, I'd quickly renounce if ever their checks were refused to bounce. I'll be in the chapter, I say. Don't you think so? What? Hey, cat got your tongue? What's the matter? Nothing. Lorraine's coming in, you'd better put down your window. Cold? Nope. Wet? Mm-hmm, soaking. It's been raining for hours. What's the matter with you, Mona? You started out fine, but you've been getting grumpier and grumpier. I'm not grumpy, I'm thinking. What about? Windmills, mostly. The kind you can't lick. Who can't they? I can lick them all. I can't. This one's a female windmill. And I didn't know about it till last night. By the way, I hate to be fussy, but I'd like to dry off. All right, well, we can stop right here in this town. You've got to get out of those wet clothes quick. Don't you think the townspeople might object? I mean, stop in a hotel, of course. I'll get you a room. Got any luggage? Now, you see, we only want a couple of rooms for a couple of hours until the storm lets up. I guess it's all right then. Never let it be said that Pophamville is unkind out of town folks. Will you sign right here? If you'll excuse me, I'll arrange for a suite. Sign? Yeah, you have to. Didn't you know that? Well, Grattan always did the signing for Grandma and me. Well, don't sign your right name. Of course I won, Mr. G. B. Berry. What about me? I can't sign my right name either. I mean, this as much as you are even more. I'll put you down as my wife. I never had a wife, so even if they find out it's me, they'll never know who you are, will they? I wouldn't want anyone to know I was your wife. Who wants to be your wife? What's the matter? Nothing. You're a big dope. Come in. Wanting for radio reports? Yeah. And I'm thinking about what Tilly Specknick will got me into this time. Well, my clothes are all dried out. I'm all set to start again. If only the rain will let up. Oh, I see. You look very attractive. You're wrapped up in this old blanket toasting the toes and the cinders. I'm an idiot. You're a darling. Look out, Jerry. You're a weakening. Oh, no, no, no. Don't make fun of me. I mean it. Yesterday and today with you, I... Well, I never knew before how marvelous life could be and people on the outside could be. It's been... Well, it's been thrilling. I've hated to think of it ending. Mona... Mona, do you suppose we could... I mean... I think we'd better start. No, no, listen to me. We'd better. Mona, darling, I'm in love with you. I suppose I have been ever since that time you came crashing through our fence. Two days ago. Was it? Yes. It was five minutes ago. I've been in love with you for keeps. And you, Mona, you care... Care? Oh, dear darling Jerry. Ladies and gentlemen, this program has been interrupted at the request of the Bureau of Investigation of the Department of Justice, which is now engaged in a relentless search for the kidnappers of Gerald Beresford Wicks. The last person to see the missing heir was his fiance, Miss Alicia Brackett. Stand by for further announcements on the Wicks kidnapping. Well, that's that. Now if you let me get dressed, you can go home, too, Alicia. But, Mona, I'm in love with you. You're engaged to her, aren't you? Yes, but I... And last night when you were half-conscious, you called her name. I did? Are you sure? Yes, I'm sure. Oh, oh, so that was the windmill you said you couldn't make? Yes. I'd forgotten about her for the moment, but... But Gerald, I really meant what I said about caring. But... But what? Oh, nothing. I guess just... Just but. Go on, Gerald. I'll be dressed in a little while and we can leave. Remember, they're hunting for you, me, too. Well, let them hunt. But Alicia... Oh, shut up. Now you get dressed and I'll be back in ten minutes, and you'll be ready. I think I'm going to marry you. You'll take too long to dress. If it stopped raining, we'd better get along. Mona, hurry up. Did you see my wife? Yep. She went out of here like a shot out of a gun. She was crying, too. She was crying? Yep. Too bad, mister. Morning, Professor Carter. Good morning. You can dump it, let me see. Dump it behind the garage. So what? What's that? Aren't you the young man with the fertilizer? Oh, no, no. I'm looking for your daughter, Mona. Who? Oh, oh, yes, yes, yes, of course. My daughter. Well, she's not in. She's gone to Europe. Europe? Where was it, Europe? No, I'm thinking of the time she came back from Europe. She's going to visit some friends. That's it. Friends. Well, where are these friends, sir? I really don't know. But she'll be back in two or three weeks, I think. Won't you come in and wait? Oh, well, no thanks. I better be going long. Hello? What? Oh, my, my, you don't say. Why, isn't that interesting? Oh, yes, come by all means. Goodbye. Who was it? A Pennsylvania hotel clerk with a mysterious story. He's coming here. He says that somebody registered there as man and wife. And then he said something about the Pennsylvania State Law. Another crank. I don't know why I tolerate such stupid people around me. Hello? What's that? The bank of... Yes. Yes, go on. Go on. Oh, my goodness. Well, now what is it? Oh, it's the State Police. A Pennsylvania bank received a check made out by Gerald for $50 the day after he disappeared. It was endorsed by one of the kidnappers named Kiligrew Shaw. They're holding him for instructions. Instructions? What do they want instructions for? Have him flown here at once. Get the pick, the carton. Jank, you're the most stubborn and reasonable. Are you sure you're still here? Oh, please help me, darling. Do you or do you not know where Gerald is? Oh, wait a minute. Did you say, darling? Yes. That's different. I might have an idea where to find him. Then please tell me. If I do. I'm asking this for the last time. I hope. Will you marry me? We could set up housekeeping mighty pretty with that $25,000 reward, honey. All right, Jank. But we've got to find Gerald. Where is he? Well, I don't know. Jank. But a girl once crashed through a fence. Jank, where are you? I know where she lives. Now listen. In a little Pennsylvania town. Oh, stop. And if my hunch is right, then he's there, too. Come on, Alicia. Jank, will you please? There's a gas station up there. What gas station? The one dad said he was working at. Who was working at? Keep down low and hide your face. Good morning. Good morning. My car is on the fritz. Think you could fix it? Sure. Master mechanic. So is your grandma Wicks. What's that? There he is, Alicia. Stick your head up. Gerald. Oh, no. Here, come back here, you. What's the matter with you, Gerald? Oh, Alicia. I'm sorry. But when I saw you just now, I... What? Well, it wasn't you. It was bars, Wicks. They're down. It's must. I just couldn't face it. That's all. And you won't have to, Gerald. But you've got to come home. And don't worry about Alicia. She's going to marry me. She's got... Alicia? You are? Why, that's marvelous. And just what do you mean by that? Well, it's... Well, you know... I know. It's the old Carter charm. You see, Alicia, I've got a fence-smashing sister named Mona. Is this man mad? What's he talking about? Mrs. Wicks, I'll try to speak to him. Now, you say you cast a check for Mr. Gerald Wicks? For Gerald Wicks? I cast a check. Oh, bad rhyme. Now listen here, Mr. Shaw. Where's my grandson? I don't know, but I'd like to see him again. He made marvelous flapjacks. It's Mona Carter to see Mrs. Wicks. Carter, I knew it. I knew it. Show her in. Yes, sir. You knew what, you idiot. Show who? I knew I'd remember it someday. Mona Carter, that's the name of the young lady who assaulted our fence. Good morning. How dare you run off with my grandson? Where is he? What have you done with him? You quit yelling. I'll tell you what I know. That's it? Because I was impudent. Young lady, you're impudent. I'm not. I came here voluntarily to tell you that Mr. Shaw had nothing to do with Gerald's going away. He was not kidnapped. All he wanted to do was get away from this pedicentry for a while. And don't try to bully me like you did him. I won't stand for it. Are you, you, you adventurous, you fortune hunter? You enticed him away. Oh, no, I didn't. I simply told him he was a fool to let himself be shut up here by a selfish, domineering old woman. Oh! And it worked. That's good. Yes, and how it worked. Oh, if you'd only seen your precious Gerald slept-down truck driver, knock-out price fighters, go flapjacks. My grandson. Your grandson. Where's he now? Well, I don't know. I haven't seen him for three weeks. Don't you like him, he, girl? You've hidden him away somewhere where you can practice your wires on him. Don't talk to me like that. I wouldn't married him if you paid me to. Oh, you wouldn't. Am I not, miss? Because you're his grandmother. Oh, just a minute. Mr. Wicks. Did I hear you say you wouldn't marry me? And I meant to- It's Mr. Wicks. Oh, good. Gerald. Gerald, where have you been? Hello, Grandma. And why are you wearing those awful clothes? I'm a $30 a week garage man. Grandma, how do you like the improvement? Improvement. Don't flatter yourself. You look the same silly idiot you've always been and I always will be. Oh, but, Grandma. Gerald Wicks, if you- When will, Gerald? Quiet. Now, the first thing you can get through your head is Mona Carter. You're marrying me. I am not. What about Alicia? Alicia's marrying your brother, Jink, on the reward money. What? Yes, and you're marrying me. Understand? Not if you were the last man in the world in the first place I can't stand your family, especially this old tyrant. Oh, who's a tyrant? You are. Oh. You calling me a fortune hunter. Why, I wouldn't marry that pet lamb or yours if he had $50 million. Oh. I suppose he's good enough for you. Well, you suppose right. Of all the colossal brass. Now, let me tell you, young woman, you're marrying Gerald. And that's that. Give me that umbrella. Yes, Mrs. Wicks. Quiet. Sit down, Gratton. Quiet. Grandma, I'm choosing my wife, not you. That's what you think. This girl's got a will of her own. I like her. She's no milk and water. Shelly, dally, flip-flop, with a vein like Alicia. Here it is, Mrs. Wicks. Now, here it is. You see that? What? What? The hotel register. That's where you registered yourself and this sassy... Mona's my name. My name is Mona's man and wife. And here, here is a copy of the Pennsylvania law passed in 1827 and never appealed or amended. You want to hear it? Jerry, maybe we better. All right. If a man or woman do jointly and before competent witnesses publish and acknowledge themselves to be man and wife and in addition if one or both do by written record under whatever name attest this status, this shall not... And does constitute a legal article of wedlock and so may be registered and recorded. There, young lady. You try and get out of that. Well? What are you standing there for, Gerald? Go on, kiss the bride. Go on, go on. Mona. Hey. Hey, what was that for? We're taking orders again from her. Hey, Mona, where are you going? Come back here. So, you slap me. Go away. I'll slap you again. This is a fine way to start our married life. We're not married? Oh, yes we are. According to Pennsylvania law. We're not married. On what grounds? I'll get a divorce. But you don't love me? No. Then you do, don't you? Well, you needn't be so brutal about it. Yes, I do. Well, that's all I wanted to know. You wanted a divorce, don't you? Well, as an old-fashioned girl, I don't believe in him. Oh, but, Gerald... What? I was so frightened. Of what? Grandma? I should say not. I was frightened that you never would find out about that old Pennsylvania law. We've ended the play. And now let's talk to Errol Flynn and Joan Blondell, who made the perfect specimen. Perfect. Miss Blondell incident. Incidentally, belongs to perhaps the oldest family of actors in the world. Did you know that, Errol? Yes, I've heard that, sir. And then wasn't there an Erick Blondell who once belonged to a theatrical group called the King James Players? That was back in 1603. Erick was a clown and got fired from the company regularly. But he had a friend who always managed to get his job back again. This friend also made quite a reputation for himself. His name was William Shakespeare. Hmm, yeah. I seem to recall the name. What part of Texas was he from? Oh. Anyway, anyway, Joan, who was the first Blondell to clown for American audiences? Probably old Uncle George. I have a copy of a program dated 1783, telling about a party George Washington gave... No. Gave that Francis Tavern in New York enlisting George Blondell as one of the entertainers. And the women didn't do so badly either. One of the Blondell girls has been on the stage for almost every generation for 300 years. Now, of course, Mr. Demille, they didn't all use locked soap. That's one of the good things that didn't come along until my time. But I'm one of your biggest boosters. I've always used it for the simple reason that I think locked soap is the best complexion care there is. Well, that's one of the nicest compliments of the season, Joan, from one of the screens most charming at it. And here's one for you, Mr. Flynn. I've just seen Dawn Patrol and my congratulations to you and Jack Warner for making it one of the finest aviation pictures ever filmed. Thank you, sir. It was a grand show to make and I think everyone in it enjoyed it. Now that it's completed, you'll be sailing for Hawaii, won't you, Errol? Oh, not yet. That's in the summer. Early in the spring, there's some things called giant tuna, which hold a sort of jamboree down around Cat Cay in the Bahamas. Joan, they're the biggest tuna you ever saw. Five and six hundred pounds. Sometimes they go out of it. Oh, yes, I know. Oh, well, that's the way you feel about it. All right, I was going to bring you back a tuna fish sandwich. Well, thank you, Mr. Demille, and good night. Good night, Mr. Demille. Good night, Joan. Good fishing, Errol. A dramatic event of unusual importance comes to this theater next Monday night. And in a moment, Mr. Demille tells you all about it. The original story, The Perfect Specimen, was written by Samuel Hopkins Adams. And in its cast tonight, you heard Byron K. Folger as Alfred Gratton, Lindsey McCarrie as Kiligrew Shaw, Alma Lloyd as Alicia, Clem Bevins as Professor Carter, Eddie Waller as Sheriff Snodgrass, Ross Forrester as Pinky, Gay Seabroop as Clarabel, Billy Bletcher as Conley, Frank Nelson as Jink Carter, Lou Fulton as Hooker, Earl Ross as Hotel Clerk, Lou Merrill as announcer, Bob Burleson as Referee, and Edward Maher as Butler. May Robeson's new Warner Brothers picture is they made me a criminal. Louis Silvers appeared through courtesy of 20th Century Fox Studios, where he was in charge of music for the new film, Kentucky. Here's Mr. Demille. Every once in a while, a play comes to the screen which is lifted by sheer brilliance and dramatic power out of the field of entertainment and becomes an unforgettable memory. Such a play we've prepared for next Monday night, Meierling. The story of a love greater than a kingdom, a devotion that triumphs even over death. I'm happy to announce that Meierling brings back to this stage two superb artists. In the role of Prince Rudolph, you'll hear William Powell. And as Marie, the girl for whom he lost his heart and throne, Miss Janet Gaynor. As our sponsors, the makers of Lux Toilet soap, join me in inviting you to be with us again next Monday night when the Lux Radio Theatre presents William Powell and Janet Gaynor in Meierling. This is Cecil B. Demille saying good night to you from Hollywood. Tonight's presentation, ladies and gentlemen, came to you with the good wishes of the makers of Lux Toilet soap. The complexion care preferred by 9 out of 10 of the lovely Hollywood screen stars. This is your announcer, Melville Roy, bidding you all good night and wish you...