 I felt like, you know, I had this amputation done so that I'd be done with extra problems so that I could like just deal with the amputation itself and not have to deal with issues stemming from surgery over and over again and it felt like just like one more screwed up surgery in that moment and it's not, it's not a screwed up surgery and I'm now realizing that it's really honestly going to be okay. Well, today did not turn out the way I thought it would. Today was the day I was supposed to go up to Denver and get casted for my prosthetic and later go back and stand in it for the first time, maybe take a step or two. I was super excited which you will see as I have footage of pretty much the whole day. Things did not go according to plan and I did not respond the best. I like to think honestly that I am a pretty positive person but what I mean by that is not that like in the moment I am always 100% positive. I like to try to look towards positivity and in the process of looking towards positivity today I sunk pretty low. Unfortunately that did get caught on camera. Maybe I got a little irrational. Here's what happened. Good morning everybody. I'm super excited because today is the day I am heading to Denver to get my prosthetic started. Then I got comfy in the back of the car, laid down, rested my eyes as my lovely mother drove me up to Denver. We arrived at my prosthetics office and I waited for my prosthetist to arrive. Exuberantly took a picture of myself in the waiting room ready for my first day getting casted for my new socket. Then my prosthetist came in and measured my leg. He kind of took a look at it. He took it in his hands. I just kind of stared at it for a while and kept pushing the edges in and then said well got some good news and I've got some bad news. Good news is you're healing great. Bad news is we can't do anything today because it's still too swollen. You know I took a moment and was like bummer hour and a half trip for nothing but that's okay setbacks happen honestly that is going to be part of the process of healing from amputation. It's not going to go smoothly. One's journey is different and so I accept that that is part of the process. He and I were talking a little bit more and he said do you want to see your new foot? Ah yes I do. And so he took it out of the box. Alright so here's what it looked like. It looks super awesome but if you look closer at this picture here's the next part of our conversation that ended up with me spiraling into well a spiral for a little while today. Maybe work down the road as I add a few more or is it more of like a bone thing. What you may notice is that my still human foot and the new foot don't really line up. It looks like they're almost exactly the same length which is bad because by the time that that prosthetic leg has a foot shell on it by the time that it has a metal plate and the vacuum seal and the actual socket that length is going to get longer which means that that leg may be too long for me completely. My amputation is eight inches below my knee. That is abnormally long. There isn't any reason that my doctor did that that I'm currently aware of. I'm going to chat with him and find out why because I really want to know. I know that having a longer lever does help. You have more stability however in my case because I'm five five I'm not a super tall person. Having eight inches of my leg left means that that can severely limit my options when it comes to legs and so he said you know if this foot doesn't work we'll just take the torsion ball out which is the part you see in this picture and we'll just go with the other option but it's going to not be as mobile. It's not going to be quite as active you know and I kind of absorbed that news in the office. We chat a little bit more and I left. Now after I left I started descending into a spiral of darkness and negativity. If you've watched some of my other videos you will know that I have gone through years and years of surgeries many of which have not gone the way that they should have. One of the reasons I had this amputation is so that I would not ever have to go back so that this could be done it could be done right and there is no reason why it shouldn't be and in my head I started thinking why the hell did my doctor leave so much of my leg so why do I have eight and that is limiting my options and I might have to go with a leg that does not allow for it as much activity when my whole goal which was clearly explained to my doctors was to be as active as possible so what is going on and then this happened. It's always been odd that my surgeon left eight inches below my knee normal is like six maybe seven my understanding that seven inches a little bit long but I have eight and a lot of people are like oh cool that's awesome that you have so much of your leg left it's not awesome because it takes away options for legs and the leg that I'm supposed to get probably isn't going to work anymore and the issue with that is that that takes away mobility and the problem is that the whole reason that I had this done that I had an amputation done is because I was tired of problems I was tired of pain I was tired of shit I know this probably sounds maybe a little bit petty because like it went well but I'll either have to go with a different leg that allows for less mobility and less activity and the reason I had it done is so that I could actually be active active again or they'll have to build it differently so that the vacuum hose goes on the outside and I'll have to wear lifts in my shoes for the rest of my life which means I'll never be able to walk in it not wearing a shoe I'll never be able to walk in it wearing flip flops I'll never be able to like just throw on shoes without planning it out having an amputation is not simple but like this was supposed to be simple and he never asked me like this is not usual practice for a surgeon to leave this much of my leg there's no medical reason that he did that that I'm aware of I'm going to talk to him maybe I'm angry for no reason but this was supposed to be simple and and now it's not perhaps not my proudest moment and I say that not because I'm adverse to showing honest moments on camera but because I think I rushed to judgment in so many ways first of all I don't have all the information second of all I do understand that I am being petty to some extent I had a great amputation I had a great surgeon it went well the length of my leg may limit my options in a perfect world I would like to not be limited I might be and that is okay I can make peace with that I felt like you know I had this amputation done so that I'd be done with extra problems so that I could like just deal with the amputation itself and not have to deal with issues stemming from surgery over and over again and it felt like just like one more screwed-up surgery in that moment and it's not it's not a screwed-up surgery prosthets are well aware of how to adjust legs to work with different lengths it may be that this leg will still work it may be that it won't and I'll have to go with a different one and my quality of life will still be great I'll still be able to walk I'll still be able to eventually when I you know save up enough money maybe get a running leg it's gonna be different than the normal running blade just gonna look different and that is okay I just needed to throw a fit about it for a little while I think forgot to mention that after we left this prosthetics appointment I was like I need ice cream because you know what sometimes sugar helps life problems it's better than drugs guys we went to McDonald's and then the ice cream machine was broken so I couldn't get ice cream first world problem to like the highest extreme and then we got stuck in the parking lot for 20 minutes behind this crazy drive-thru line and like we couldn't back out when he is trying he thinks he's gonna get out we're gonna die here God all of it are this we've been in a McDonald's parking lot for 20 minutes backed up by the drive-thru line it's time to help freedom I see freedom it was it was a it was a fun trip so I came home made some English breakfast tea ranted to my husband and best friend for a while and I'm now realizing that it's really honestly going to be okay like I said in my last video I started this channel to honestly show you guys the journey and moments that aren't pretty are part of it and so today was a day a moment that wasn't super pretty so this coming week I am going back hopefully my leg will be less swollen by then we will cast it I will hopefully stand in some sort of leg for the first time and we will see what happens I will be working on making peace with whatever that is because the reality is that I live in a country with amazing health insurance that I am so grateful for that allows me to be able to get a leg and not go bankrupt and to be able to stand again that is a huge gift it's not bad to have moments of throwing fits but at the end of the day I'm really grateful and thankful and super thankful for people who listen when I just lose it so that's my video for today thank you for listening by the way I'm wondering how many of you guys are coffee people versus tea people this is totally off topic but I go through seasons where I need coffee all the time and I forget tea exists and then suddenly I get a tea craving and all I drink every afternoon for weeks is tea and then I forget about again so I'm back in the tea phase let me know what you drink in the comments below thanks guys for watching you all are amazing I love seeing so many new faces here and reading your comments I respond to as many as I can I'll be talking to you guys in the comment section and seeing you soon bye