 Well, hello and welcome to Understand Men Now. I'm Jonathan Asley of johnathanasley.com, and I'm so excited to be shooting this short video for you today. Our topic, How Fearful Avoidant Men Fall in Love. This must happen, this. Okay, really quickly, if you're new to my YouTube channel, please hit the subscribe button, hit the bell. I shoot about three or four, three or four videos per week. All right, let's just jump into about Fearful Avoidant Men. So you've heard the term, I'm sure, well, if you haven't heard the term, there's something called love attachment style, love attachment style. This is how we attach to another human being that really stems from our attachment to our parents when we were infants. And there's basically three types of attachment styles. There is anxious, there's avoidant, and then there's secure. There's anxious, avoidant, and secure. And if you're not familiar with the book Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Hunt, or Heller, excuse me, attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, it talks about the different attachment styles. And one of the attachment styles that's oftentimes talked about is this fearful avoidant, okay? Now, an anxious person is kind of that needy, codependent personality that needs love, I need love, I need love, I need love, and avoidant deeply on the inside wants love, but their actions are always pushing love away. And fearful avoidants are even more deeply wounded. And so today I wanna share a story, and this actually relates to a movie I just watched. It was just on Netflix or one of the shows, I can't remember, called An Officer and a Gentleman, An Officer and a Gentleman, and that's with Richard Gere and Deborah Winger. I hope I pronounced her name right. If I didn't, please post a comment below. And in this, there's Zach Mayo. Zach Mayo wants to become a naval aviator, a naval aviator, and he's going to boot camp. And this is up in an area where in Seattle, I believe, and so what happens is a lot of the women who live in this town, and it's in this quiet, hidden away town, are going after the naval pilots or the wannabe pilots because they wanna get out of the town, okay? And in this particular case, Deborah Winger and Richard Gere or Paula and Zach Mayo hook up. Now, basically from his perspective, he thinks this is a short-lived relationship, okay? He figures he's gonna be there for eight weeks. He's just gonna have a little bit of fun, have a little bit of laughs, spend a little time with her and he's gonna move on. And from her perspective, she thinks she's gonna hook them, hook them, hook them. And this is true of her friend and Zach's friend, okay? And what happens is they get to a point and he's coming at her from a place of neediness. In other words, he needs this support system to get him through this tough time of this boot camp. And what's interesting is right when he gets to a point, when he feels like, you know what? I don't need her anymore to get through through this boot camp. He breaks up with her. And in this next scene, Paula is going crazy. She's telling her mother, but I love him, I love him, I love him, I love him. I just want him back. How am I gonna get him to love me? And his mother says, do not chase him, do not chase him. And what happens in the next scene, and this is very critical, but I'm gonna get to how a man, how a fearful avoidant falls in love because if you wanna get to this stage, you're gonna have to hear this part out because this is the critically important piece, okay? So the next scene, he blows her off for the weekend and they've been together every single weekend and he goes to the bar to hang out with the other pilots or the wanna be, or the soon to be pilots. And Debra Winger shows up with a guy. And so he gets a little bit jealous, okay? And they connect and they spend a little time together, but he blows her off, okay? He got jealous and blew her off. Now, I'm not here to recommend that because that's not how a fearful avoidant falls in love. But what happens is it triggered something in him and he actually even pushed further away. This is why oftentimes leaning back behavior, leaning back behavior, when a woman goes the other direction and focuses on herself, that might temporarily create a, you know, what happens within men is we become very proprietary. In other words, we treat you, unhealthy men will treat you like property and wanna get you back because we're territorial in that way. So when she was with that man, he got very upset and he's territorial. But not from a healthy place, but from a very unhealthy place. I gotta stay to the end of this because you gotta hear the best part that's coming up because how this fearful avoidant shifted, okay? So what happened next is they kind of went their separate ways. And then his best friend in the course committed suicide. He committed suicide. And Zach was faced with looking at himself in the mirror at that point, looking himself in the mirror. And he had already blown Paula off, but now he's faced, he's had this major humbling event, this major humbling event. And why this is so critically important to understand for a fearful avoidant to shift to love, a humbling event will have to happen outside of the relationship because when she, he got jealous with her, he got territorial, but that wasn't from a healthy place. He needed a humbling event to look inward to say, I appreciate Paula. And what happens next is he graduates from the Naval boot camp. He goes to her work, which was a paper mill factory, and he picks her up and carries her off in the sunset, right? Now that's the fantasy we bought into, but what we have to recognize and why I like this movie from this perspective is the humbling event. And I know this personally because I've had a major humbling event in my life that shifted me and why most of you like following my work is I got wiped out in the market crash of 2008. I got divorced. I lost all my money. This was a major humbling event that caused me to do introspective work where I began doing self-help or I started doing personal development, self-help and spiritual work. And I went into the tunnel. And if you watch my videos, I talk about the tunnel. And in my case, my tunnel was 10 plus years. And then I had another humbling event when I lost my 19-year-old son Connor to an accident, which inspired me. And what inspires me to want you to do is to shift to self-love. Self-love is the antidote to inner suffering. Self-love is the antidote when you're with a fearful, avoidant man who hasn't had a humbling event. For men to shift out of this fearful, avoidant behavior or experience into love is the only way it's gonna happen is a humbling event. And the humbling event isn't you've disappeared or went silent on him because that's a temporary fix. It has to be something deeply rooted into shifting his perspective outside of self into love and loving oneself. And in that moment, when he saw his dead friend, he was able to shift from that fearful place and saying, I deeply want love. And that's what I want you to pay attention for. And this is why I'm a big proponent of vetting guys before you actually begin a sexual relationship with them. And if you, you know, this is where ladies, you have to become your own matchmaker when it comes to men. You're gonna have to vet them for compatibility sake and you're gonna have to vet them for emotional maturity sake because the guys who are emotionally immature and fearful avoidant and no humbling event, you just got attached to a guy who's not gonna be able to go the distance and I want you to choose men that can go the distance. This is one of the reasons why if you need love and support in this, check out a free discovery call with me to see if working with the coach is right for you because you have to vet him before you ever invest in him. You have to vet him before you, not fully vet him, but partially vet him before you invest in him. Any, at least invest your heart and your vagina, okay? Before you invest your heart or vagina, do some work, do some research and that's where I can help you if you need some support on that. All right, how to get a fearful avoidant, how a fearful avoidant man shifts to love, he needs a humbling event. Does this resonate? Have you experienced this? Please post a comment below. I'd like to hear your thoughts on this one. This is really important. If you have a question, please post. I read almost all of them and I wanna help you on your journey. And I'm gonna wrap up this video as I always do, first off, giving myself a big, gigantic job to bear a hug of self-love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone or a pet or a pillow or a teddy bear and give it a hug of love right now because we could all use a lot of love right now and hugs are a great source of love. I wanna thank you so much and wishing you a super-duper, wonderful, fantastic day. Bye-bye now.