 They'll just share their emotions until they do this. Okay. Now, I know in these previous videos I've shot this same topic, but a woman must do something to get a man to open up And it just occurs to me that where are men in this equation? What are they doing to actually become more expressive? What are they doing? What the men who are expressive? What have they done to be in a position to be expressive to their partner? And I thought we would dive into this conversation today because for those ladies who watch my channel, I know how frustrating it is for you to feel like you're doing all the work. And this actually needs to be sent to men. I'm hoping more men watch this video than women, although most of my channel is women. All right. So I want to read something to you all. This was a post I did on Instagram today and it goes as follows. It says an interesting misconception happens in the early stages of dating and it is centered around expressing feelings and what they actually mean. You see, humans often express how they feel being with you or being with someone instead of how they feel about you or how they might feel about someone. Because of the chemical cocktail of lust or limerence, the feelings one experiences are designed to make us feel good and bond with one another. But it's not about whether two people are right for one another or worse if two people can be emotionally available to one another. How they feel differs from what they think about, respect or can even open up to another human being. Meaning just because they feel good being with you doesn't mean that they can be vulnerable, authentic and transparent with you. And here's the rub. The minute you bonded with someone, you become attached. Hoping that the abundant feelings that were once expressed early being with you would translate into true feelings of respect, care, commitment and teamwork with you. Just because someone momentarily felt good being with you doesn't mean that they like you or are even capable of opening up to you. As I read that, can anyone relate to that? Have you ever been with a man who expressed all of these feelings early in the dating process only to do a 180 and find it difficult to express feelings about you or about how you made them feel? So let me give you an example. When a man in the early stages expresses, oh my God, you're so amazing. You're so wonderful. I could see us getting married. I could see us traveling together. And all of these what's happening is that being in your present feels good to him. But it's not a reflection of how he feels about you. Think about that. I feel respect. I feel care. I feel trust. I feel safe. I feel enthusiastic. Well, that might be, you know, that's not about you. I feel your your integrity. I feel that you're a person of class. OK, those aren't about the feelings he's experiencing, that joy, that spontaneity, that infatuation, that limerence. See, I want you to really recognize there's a big difference when someone expresses their feelings about who you are as a person. And this is so confusing because chemistry is designed to bond with someone and you can't separate the two. You know, it's like this, you can't separate the two. But what if you're bonded with the wrong person? Like, oh, my God, I'm with a nut job. I'm with someone crazy. I'm with someone narcissistic. I'm with someone selfish. I'm with someone unconscious. I'm with somebody who doesn't know how to manage their finances. I'm with somebody who doesn't take good care of their teeth. You know, and the list goes on and on. By the way, I just keep coming up with that one frequently is about good oral hygiene that seems to come up amongst the list of a lot of things. So what's going to, so again, what's it going to take for a man to truly open up and express his emotions? I believe this starts with his inner work. See, it's not about what you must do. It's what he must do to prepare to be able to open up emotionally with you. This is one of the reasons why I wrote my book, What the Heck is Self-Love? Any way, a journey of personal development, self-help and spiritual work. There's a link below to get a copy of my book. Why I'm giving it a plug here for a moment. It starts by doing the inner work. It starts by healing from our childhood wounds and our adult traumas so we can actually heal. So we can heal from our attachment styles. If you're not familiar with the book, Wired for Love and Attached. I want you to read this book by Dr. Stan Tatkin and this book attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. Why do I recommend these books? Because in these books, they go into understanding why a man or you are attracted to the type of man. Most likely, if you're an anxious attachment style, you're attracted to an avoidant attachment style. And when you understand this, you begin to make better choices. But when a man understands his love attachment style, when he's healed his childhood wounds and adult traumas, he's no longer wearing armor that is blocking him from his expressing his emotions to you. I really want you to take that in for a second. He is no longer wearing armor that blocks his capacity to open up his emotions to you. See, that's where a lot of the disconnect happens. See, a lot of men can express how they feel being with you and that's so enticing. Or God forbid this, a man is vulnerable with you, sharing his problems. That's another thing that happens incessantly. Have you noticed a lot of men just want to talk on the phone or they just want to text with you? A lot of men are simply looking for a pen pal, if you will. We'll use the old terminology of a pen pal, someone that they can just talk to, that they can share their problems. They can share their concerns, their fears, their anxieties. But that doesn't mean that he's sharing his feelings about you. See, it's so important for a healthy relationship that we actually express genuine appreciation for all the different things you appreciate in a person. You know, I've shared this in many videos, but one of the things in my previous relationship, I so appreciated that she had an amazing capacity to fix things. She just had a mechanical mind. You know, some people that would call that she was the masculine, I was the feminine, but I just appreciated that she had the capacity to think up things. I mean, just little things, how to fix little things. I remember as stupid as this might be, but I don't know if you know in a dishwasher, there's a tray for all of the silverware on the top, and we didn't use that tray, we used the bottom, but we put our cutting board there. And I was like, that was brilliant. I wouldn't have thought of that. And I so appreciate, you see, by expressing your appreciation to your partner for the things that you appreciate about them, that is a demonstration of your emotions beyond how you feel being in their presence, how you feel about them. So what's it going to take for a man to get there? Well, in my video yesterday, I laid out five separate things, and to some degree, there's a mirroring of these two, but I want to kind of dive into this from a different angle for today. And first and foremost, for a man has to be into you for him to be able to express his emotions. I think that's rather obvious. He has to be into you. If he's not into you, it's going to be very difficult for him to actually dive into a relationship with if he's not into you. Now, what I mean by into you, I mean it from the place of he's coming at it from a healthy place. You see, the problem is a lot of wounded men are into you because you are you are triggering whatever wound they need healing from. And that's not truly being into you. You are really just a vehicle for him to heal. Or maybe you're just simply a companion. In other words, you're just filling space for him. Oh, my God, I've spoken to so many women that treat men like placeholders. And it so mirrors what women do. Being a placeholder doesn't mean they're into you. I'm talking about, you know what I'm talking about? You have a crush about someone. You're excited to see them. It's not coming from a place of desperation. See, a lot of people come at it from a place of desperation and it might seem like they're into you when really, in fact, they are wounded people and they just need you for occasional companionship, occasional connection and sex at their beck and call. And I don't believe that's the kind of relationship you seek. Let me know if that is true. By the way, if this is resonating with you, please hit that like button. Please share this video. Number two, listen, for a man to be able to share his emotions, he has to be introspective. He actually has to look inward and examine his emotions. In other words, being introspective is really going, God, what am I feeling right now? What emotions am I feeling? Am I feeling sadness? Am I feeling joy? Am I feeling disgust? Am I feeling despair? Am I feeling desire? You know, am I feeling fear? See, really being introspective and examining your fears, particularly when you get triggered. Because we oftentimes get triggered in our space of I'm not good enough. I'm not likable. I'm not lovable. I'm not good enough. I'm not lovable. I'm not likable or shame or guilt or resentment. Hey, it's 1111. And so looking inward and then saying, I'm going to grow past my fears. I'm going to grow past my shame. See, when a man is introspective and looks inward and he examines his own emotional well-being, he has the capacity to spread it out and be more communicative to the partner he's in relationship with. Folks, let me just be clear. I know many of you admire my capacity to be vulnerable, to be authentic, to be transparent. I have spent a decade and a half peeling the layers, peeling the onion, being introspective, committed to growth. And because of that, I've been in a position to do this. And a man, you can do all the loving of the world. You can lead by example all you want. But if he's not doing his own work, it's going to be incredibly challenging for him to actually open up to you and express his feelings. Number three, he has to be in a good place in his life. Folks, if a man is not in a good place in his life, he's not genuinely in a good place. If he's got a contentious divorce, maybe as a contentious ex-spouse, maybe as a contentious ex-lover, maybe he is still in love with his ex-lover. Maybe he's got issues going on in his professional life. Maybe he's got a child that's going through struggles right now. Maybe he's still dealing with things related to his parents or his family. When a man is not in a good place, when the ground underneath him isn't solid, all he can do is express his fears and concerns in his anguish. He can't be able to take on any of yours. And because of that, he will hold back expressing his feelings towards you or feelings about you because he's not in a good place. How many of you experienced men that were not in a good place? Were they emotionally constipated? Were they emotionally unavailable? Were they emotionally wounded? Did they struggle expressing how they felt about you? Most likely, because if a man's not in a good place, he's not going to be in a position until this happens to actually be able to express his genuine feelings for you. Number four. This kind of piggybacks number two, but it's around self-awareness, but more importantly, self-control, self-control. See, lust and limerence. Lust is, I want to fuck your brains out. And limerence is, oh my God, she's so amazing. She's so wonderfully, puts her up. He's so infatuated with her or with you. Self-control represents the understanding that while there's a little head down there, it's important to connect the little head to the big head to the heart. They're all interconnected and not let the little head do the driving. See, sadly, a man cannot, if he's not objective in his own self-control. His little head is going to do all the talking in this relationship. You've experienced this. The love bombers, the players, all they care about is getting their dick wet. They don't care about your feelings. You know, real trust, it's amazing how quickly we'll be physically intimate with someone before real trust is built. And trust is, does this person, trust isn't just about fidelity. Trust is, does this person care about my feelings? Are my feelings in the best interest of their feelings? Do they put their feelings in my feelings commensurate with each other? That is true trust. When everything I do is in the best interest for my partner and everything my partner does is in the best interest for me. That's where real trust lies. And yet sadly, many don't have the self-control, the objectiveness to not let their little head do the talking. Because if you want a man to connect with his heart, yes, there is a saying, men fall in love through sex and women give sex to get love. That's a saying. But, you know, sex is only one piece to connect with our heart. We have to be aligned in our lives to be able to actually give our heart to another human being. And last but not least, a man must be intentional. He must be intentional. In other words, if he's actively, a man who are actively pursuing a significant relationship, they value too much, value you too much to waste your time. They are looking for a life mate. And when a man is looking for a life mate, he's most likely done all the work I've just laid out in this video to be in a position to actually be an emotionally expressive human being. And while there's probably more to this list, this is just a list that I've observed. You know, it's interesting. I was, I'm in a mastermind group and there are two men. One is, one man is married, the other one in a relationship. And these are emotionally expressive men. And when I was preparing for this video, I thought to myself, do they check the box of everything I just laid out? And these are men who are in relationships with women who are so grateful because these are emotionally expressive men. How do I know this? Because I've broken bread with these men and their, the women in their lives on regular basis. And they express appreciation for their partner on a regular basis. If a man isn't bragging about you to his friends, if he's not, and when I mean by bragging, not like, oh my God, check out this hot chick I'm banging on a regular basis. No, he's bragging in the sense of appreciation. When a man is expressing appreciation for his partner, that is a great sign that he has the capacity to open up his emotions. And the reason why men struggle is because they haven't done the inner work to be in a position to open up their heart to you. And if you've experienced this, I'm sorry, and I hope you choose better. And if you need some support and picking men, check out the link to a discovery call with me to see if working with the coach is right for you. My whole expertise is helping you improve your picker. Okay. I'm here to help you improve your picker. Are you with me? If you are, post a comment below. I'd like to hear your thoughts. I do my best to read them all in the first 24 hours. If you liked this video, please hit the like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel and hit that notification bell so you can be notified of new videos as well. And if you want to connect with me, check out the links in the schedule of discovery call to join my group to follow me on Instagram to get my books. All of that is in the show notes below. All right. Those who know my format know it's time for Q&A. If you have a question, write the word question in the chat box, then post the question there after or you can purchase a super sticker, super chat. There's a little dollar sign in the chat box. All the monies from the super sticker, super chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son, Connor Asley. That's a picture of him right there. He's my son who passed away over five years ago and his honor we donate to causes like the Hoffman process, Insight Institute and also scholarships to coaching with me as well. Okay. So use that little dollar sign. Our goal tonight is $50. So let's give some love to Connor tonight. And if you want to join the hot seat, if you want to be on live with me, I just put the link in that box as well. It looks like Gigi's in the house. Oh, by the way, I do want to point out their poet says that is such a distinction. Coach, preach it. Well, thank you so much. Deborah wants to point out the thumbnail how poetic emotionally constipated. I heard that from a female friend of mine that I'm using her term emotionally constipated. And I want to give Megan some props for the $1.99. Super sicker. Thanks for the love. I appreciate it. Okay. Gigi's in the house. What's the difference between love bombing and using sweet emojis and nicknames to show how much he likes you? To me, love bombing has an intent. It is designed to get express their over infatuation with an agenda of getting you into bed. I think that's different than someone who's just unconsciously expressing they put you up on a pedestal. See love bombing can feel like a man has put you up on a pedestal. Some men put you on a pedestal and they love bomb, but they're not. They don't have an agenda other than they probably feel weak about themselves and they're trying to convince you to like them. Let me repeat that. They feel weak about themselves and they're trying to get you to like them. Okay versus someone who has an agenda. Love bombing has an agenda usually to get in your pants. That's kind of the distinction. And so that's kind of my rough, you know, under, you know, my belief system around love bombing versus the guys who are over exaggerating their appreciation for you because they put you up on a pedestal. Okay. I hope that helps Gigi. Thank you so much. Oh, and the emojis and nicknames. I think like I do that babe. Sweetheart emojis. I think emojis just demonstrates energy. That's what I mean. It emoji emotion. Okay. It's just expressing an emotion. Sometimes when you're texting, it's difficult to express an emotion. Hence why the emoji. Okay. We Jin said been there. Alcoholics and Narx working on my thicker. Thank you so much. We join. All right. Megan's in the house with a question. How do I move on from the death of a love? Wait, how do I move on the death of a love with adult children and a grandbaby? I'm not exactly sure your question. How do I move on from the death of a love? Is it loved one with adult children and a grandbaby? So if I understand you correctly. Oh, if you, I mean, have you lost an adult child with a grandchild? If you have my sincere, sincere condolences, there are no words to describe what you may be going through. And I don't even begin to want to talk about how to help you move on. That's got to be a challenging again, moving on. There's no moving on in death. There's just moving through or living with and it requires a tremendous amount of self love, at least in my opinion. So I hope that helps. Sorry, Megan. I just wasn't sure of your exact question. Tan says, what if a man wants to take a year before living together, getting married? He lives next to his son. Now, I think taking a year before living together or getting married, I think it takes a good four seasons. You know, summer because everything starts off hot fall winter, the storms and coming back to spring. I think a good year is certainly a fair amount of time. So if a man chooses that, I think that's that's prudent and on his part. Okay, so I'm in concurrence with that. Oh, okay. Megan says, I am my husband died. I'm a grandma. Got it. Again, as I said earlier, Megan, you live with it. But as far as putting yourself out there, you know, you have to be in a good place in your life before you put yourself out there physically from a dating or physically and emotionally from a dating perspective, only you can decide when you're ready for that. It's not about moving on. It's moving with it and through it kind of thing. I don't think we ever move on from a loss. I lost a child and I don't believe I've moved on. I just I live with it. Okay. All right. One of our Facebook group members brought this by the way, I have a private group called Midlife Love Mastery. This is a group where you can have direct access to me on a regular basis. There's a link below to Midlife Love Mastery. You can click there. But the question is, how do you sensitively bring up when you notice a trigger that brings destructive patterns from past hurts into a current relationship is very prideful and would shut down if I don't communicate on a way to help them open up. Great question. So I think this book, look at the title Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. Okay. Now, I think this should have been titled Compassionate Communication, but what I like about this book, it talks about how to express what you're feeling. Not about making it about the person being wrong, it's simply expressing, I felt this way when this happened and what I and then you express a need thereafter. You express a need thereafter, but I'm going to recommend reading this book because you know, well, if you gave me a specific example, it might be a little bit easier, but I highly recommend reading. Folks, I'm not here. I'm not the expert on everything. I'm just here to direct you to some amazing resources. And I do better when I work specifically on a specific scenario. That's when I tend to do my best. Okay. So thank you so much for that question. Um, their poet says question. Hey, coach, have you experienced or heard of a narcissist changing into a person of emotional depth and humbleness? You know, I think we have to differentiate between a clinical narcissist and your garden variety selfish behavior, which actually has elements of narcissism. I was a garden variety selfish person for a significant percentage of my life and I still have selfish behaviors. I think it's, it's, you wouldn't be human if you didn't have selfish or myopic behaviors. In other words, tunnel vision type of behaviors. So I look at myself in that category and I do believe that I have grown and healed. I think a true clinical narcissist. I mean, app diagnosed by a doctor, not somebody that goes to, you know, I know a lot of people go to their therapist, describe their partner, and then the therapist says he's a narcissist. Well, until the therapist or the clinician has interviewed the person in a variety of different tests, I don't believe that's a fair assessment, especially when it's one sided. But I do believe that people with garden variety selfish behavior can actually grow beyond that and people that have true clinical narcissism, probably not. That's just my rough opinion on that. Hey, Megan just gave us another dollar. Thank you so much. Okay. That means we're $47, excuse me. Yes, $47 away from our goal. So click that little chat. And by the way, if you'd like to join the hot seat, there's a link right there to join the hot seat. All right. She is in the house. How can I help someone open their mind when they're shut down to communicate with me? You know, sometimes some people withdraw into their shell into the turtle or their cave. So it's not your job to draw them out. Okay. What you can do when they come out of your cave and say, you know what? I mean, it's important for me to express that if I'm going to be in a relationship with you that we have, if there's ever a disagreement that we can take a 24 hour break from one another, but we don't go very much longer than that and have honest communication with one another. This is a prerequisite for me to be in relationship with anyone and certainly I, you know, this is something I request going forward. You probably can't get them out of their shell. But what you can describe is what's acceptable to you in the future. Okay. Because it's difficult to get someone out of their shell. I don't care if you've read every get your ex back do this to get your partner to do that. That's all bullshit. You know what? Excuse me. Let me reframe that. A lot of it is bullshit. Okay. The reality is, is that some people are deeply wounded and that they're incapable of navigating their emotions. They don't have the self-awareness, self-control to really dive into their emotions and be able to be vulnerable, authentic and transparent with you. Yes, we are swimming in a sea of dysfunctionality and that's just a reality we're faced with today. Okay. Hey folks, I hope you found value in this broadcast. My idea was to do a short video today. Why men struggle to express their emotions. Hope you got some value at the things I've shared with you. Okay. It looks like fair poet definitely agrees. You know, there's nothing easy about the current dating environment. We are swimming in a sea of emotional despair, emotional struggles, emotional constipation, emotional unavailability. That's why I say it's dysfunctional. And so everything I just described is something you must do for yourself to be emotionally available and recognize that for those men that you want, for those men that have done the work, they are more likely to be emotionally expressive with you and you may want to do your due diligence early on in the process and that's where scheduling the discovery call with me to help you with your broken picker. Because a lot of us have broken pickers and I'm here to help you improve that. Do you have, does that make sense? If it does, post a comment below. I'd like to hear your thoughts. If this was a value to you, please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel and hit that notification bell so you can be notified of new videos as well. All right. I'm going to wrap up this video as I always do. First off, give myself a big gigantic joth and bear hug of self love. I'm going to reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm going to ask you to turn to someone, a pet, a teddy bear pillow and give it or them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love and let's face it. We could all use more love in our lives and I want to thank Fancy who says love your videos, Jonathan. I appreciate your bluntness and realism. You're real. I don't have siblings and parents aren't proactive of me, protective of me. So it's awesome to have a big brother in the form of you. Big hugs and appreciation for that. Thank you so much. I want to thank Wejoin and Chi and Fancy and Power Chi and Fairpost and Megan and Sandy and our Facebook members and Ton and Gigi and Joy and everyone else who was on tonight. Big hugs to you. Lot of love.