 Book 4 chapter 15 of the heavenly twins. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. The Heavenly Twins by Sarah Grand. Book 4 chapter 15 part 2. Again the tenor changed his position. I cannot, cannot comprehend how you could have risked your reputation in such a way he said shaking his head with grave concern. No risk to my reputation. She answered with the insolence of rank. Everybody knows who I am and if I remember rightly that in the captain's but a choleric word which in the soldier is ranked last for me what would be an unpardonable offense if committed by another woman less highly placed than myself is merely an amusing eccentricity in me so for my benefit conveniently snobbish is society. Since I grew up however I find that I am not one of those who can say flippantly you can't have everything and if people have talents they are not to be expected to have characters as well. Great talent should be held to be a guarantee for good character. The loss of the one makes the possession of the other dangerous but what I do maintain is that I have done nothing by which I ought injustice to be held to have jeopardized my character I have broken no commandment nor should I under any circumstances it is only the idea of a thing that shocks your prejudices you cannot bear to see me decently dressed as a boy but you would think nothing of it if you saw me half undressed for a ball as I often am yet if the one can be done with a modest mind and you must know that it can so can the other I suppose the tenor was sitting sideways on his chair his elbow resting on the back his head on his hand his legs crossed half turned from her and listening without looking at her and there was something in the way she made this last remark that set a familiar chord vibrating not unpleasantly perhaps after the revelation he had expected her to turn into a totally different person at all events he was somewhat surprised but not disagreeably to perceive how like the boy she was this was the boy again exactly in a bad mood and the tenor saw it at once as was his want to distract him rather than argue him out of it this was the force of habit and it was also due to the fact that his mind was rapidly adapting itself to a strange position and becoming easier in that new attitude the woman he had been idolizing was lost irretrievably but the charm which had been the boys remained to him and he had already begun to reconcile himself to the idea of a wrong-headed girl who must be helped and worked for instead of a wrong-headed boy but why should you have chosen this impossible form of amusement in particular he said why could you not interest yourself in the people about you do something for them I did think of that I did try she answered petulently but it is impossible for a woman to devote herself to people for whom there is nothing to be done who don't want her devotion and besides devotion wasn't my vocation but after all she broke off defending herself I only arrived at this by slow degrees and I never should have come so far at all if the Evolo had stuck to me but he got into a state of don't care and can't be bothered and separated his work from mine by going to Sandhurst then I found myself alone and you cannot think how a woman must suffer from the awful loneliness of a life like mine when I had no one near me in the sense in which the Evolo has always been near a life that is full of acquaintances as a cake is full of currents no to whichever touch each other the tenor subdual quite essence seemed to have deserted him he changed his position incessantly and did so now again it was the only sign he made of being disturbed at all and as he moved he brushed his hand back over his hair but did not speak I kept my disguise a long time before I used it she began again another morsel of incident and motive recurring to her I don't think I have any very distinct notion of what I should do with it when I got it the pleasure of getting it had been everything for the moment and having succeeded him and tried the dress I hid away carefully and scarcely ever thought of it never dreamt of wearing it certainly until one night it was quite an impulse at last that night you know the first time we met it was such a beautiful night I was by myself and had nothing to do as usual and it tempted me sorely I thought I should like to see the marketplace by moonlight and then all at once I thought I would see it by moonlight that was my first weighty reason for changing my dress but having once assumed the character I began to love it it came naturally and the freedom from restraint I mean the restraint of our tight and comfortable clothing was delicious I tell you I was a genuine boy I moved like a boy I felt like a boy I was my own brother in very truth mentally morally I was exactly what you thought me and there was little fear of your finding me out although I used to like to play with the position and on the wrist it was marvelous the tenant said not at all she answered not a bit more marvelous in real life than it would have been upon the stage a mere exercise of the actor's faculty under the most favorable circumstances and not a bit more marvelous than to create a character as an author does in a book the process is the malice but the same thing has been done before George for instance don't you remember how often she went about dressed as a man went to the theaters and was introduced to people was never found out by strangers and there was that woman who was a doctor in the army for so long until she was quite old James Berry she called herself and none of her brother officers not even her own particular chum in the regiment she first belonged to had any suspicion of her sex and it was not discovered until after her death when she had been an inspector general of the army medical department for many years and there have been women in the ranks too and at sea it was really not extraordinary that an unobservant an unsuspicious creature like yourself should have been deceived this recalled the patronizing manner of the boy at times and the tenor smiled the meeting with you was an accident of course Angelica proceeded with her disjointed narrative but I thought I would turn it to account I was as you used to say devoured by curiosity in my mind is always tentative I wanted to hear how men talk to each other I didn't believe in goodness in a man and I wanted to see badness from the man's point of view I expected to find you corrupt in some particular to see your hoofs and your horns sooner or later and I tried to make you show them but that of course you never did and I soon realized my mistake I had a standing coral with your sex however and at first it pleased me to deceive you simply because you were a man that was only at the very first for as soon as I began to appreciate your worth I felt ashamed of myself don't you see Israel you have been raising me all along it has been a very gradual process though but still I did wish to deceive you I would have done so at once if you had not been so far above me if you had spoken to me when I gave you that chance in the cathedral after the service don't you remember it would have been stepping down from your pedestal we should have been on the same level then and I need not have dreaded your righteous indignation but as it was you maintained your high position and I was afraid and I could not give you up it was delightful to look at myself and I deal self from afar off with your eyes it made me feel as if I could be all you thought me it made me wish to be so and it also made me more sorry than anything to have you think so highly of me when I did not deserve it all these were signs of awakening which I recognized myself and I did try over and over again to deceive you about my character but you never would listen to me I wish I wish you had do you love me then the tenor asked her and was startled himself as soon as he had spoken by the immediate effect of the question upon her it was evident that she had received a terrible shock she changed color and countenance and swayed for a moment as if she were about to faint and he sprang up to catch her in his arms but she recovered herself sufficiently to check the impulse no no she exclaimed hoarsely stop stop you don't know my god how could I have put myself in such a position I mean let me tell you she shut her eyes and waited the tenor looking at her in pain surprised he sank again onto the seat from which she had risen and waited also wondering presently she opened her eyes and looked at him the charm the charm she felt it has all been in the delight of associating with the man intimately who did not know I was a woman I've enjoyed the benefit of free intercourse with your masculine mind undiluted by your masculine prejudices and proclivities with regard to my sex had you known that I was a woman even you the pleasure of your companionship would have been spoiled for me so unwholesomely is the imagination of a man affected by ideas of sex the fault is in your training you are all of you educated deliberately to think of women chiefly as the opposite sex your manner to me has been quite different from that of any other man I ever knew some have fond on me degrading me with the supposition that I exist for the benefit of man alone and that it will gratify me above all else to know that I please him and some few such as yourself have embarrassed me by putting me on a pedestal which is I can assure you an exceedingly cramped and uncomfortable position there's no room to move on a pedestal now with you alone of all men not accepting the avola I almost think I've been on an equal footing and it has been to me like the free use of his limbs to a prisoner after long confinement with chains the expression which the tenors abrupt question they called into her countenance passed off as she spoke in with it the impression it had made upon the tenor he mistook the remarks she had just been making for a natural girlish evasion of the subject and he did not return to it partly because he felt that to be in in opportune time but also because he was pretty sure of her feeling for him and thought that he would have ample leisure by and by the leisure of a lifetime to press the question there were other explanations to be asked for too which it seemed advisable to him to get over at once and have done with but how have you managed to get out night after night he asked without being missed not night after night she answered if you remember there were often long intervals that I've told you I was constantly alone the house is large none of the servants sleep near my room and my husband you're white the tenor demanded turning round on his chair to face her every best stage of color gone from his countenance yet not convinced what did you say he repeated aghast my husband she fought mr. Kilroy of illvert thought hitherto he had uttered no reproach but she knew that this reticence was due to self-respect rather than to any lingering remnant of deference and now when she saw his face ablaze she was prepared for an outburst of wrath all he said however was speaking with quiet dignity you need not have allowed that part of the deception to go on you should have told me that at once why did you not for the first time angelica lost her presence of mind I I forgot she stammered the tenor threw back his sunny head and laughed bitterly it is a curious fact angelica remarked upon reflection and as if speaking to herself but I really had forgotten the tenor looked at the fire in the little pause that ensued angelica suddenly lost her temper if you are deceived in me you have deceived yourself she burst out for I've tried my utmost to undeceive you you go and fall in love with a girl you have never spoken to in your life you endow her gratuitously with all the virtues you admire without asking if she cares to possess them and when you find she is not the peerless perfection you require her to be you blame her oh isn't that like a man you all say the same thing it wasn't me what will your husband say the tenor ejaculated in and undertone where you see the bargain was when I asked him to marry me when you what said the tenor asked him to marry me angelica calmly repeated the bargain was that he should let me do as I like there being a tacit understanding between us of course that I should do nothing morally wrong I could not under any circumstances do anything morally wrong not I confess because I am particularly high-minded but because I cannot imagine where the charm and pleasure of the morally wrong comes in the best pleasures in life are in art not in animalism and all the benefit of your acquaintance I repeat has consisted in the fact that you were unaware of my sex I knew that directly you became aware of it another element would be introduced into our friendship which would entirely spoil it so far as I am concerned it is a noteworthy fact as showing how hopelessly involved man's moral perceptions are with his prejudices and faith in custom even when reprehensible that the tenor was if anything more shocked by angelica's outspoken objection to grossness than he would have been by a declaration of passion on her part the latter lapse is not unprecedented and therefore might have been excused as natural but the unusual nature of the decoration she had made put it into the category to which all things out of order are relegated to be taken exception to irrespective of their ethical value but he said nothing only he turned from her once more and gaze sorrowfully into the fire angelica looked at him with a dissatisfied frown on her face I wish she would speak she said to him under her breath and then she began again herself with her accustomed viability oh yes I married that was what was expected of me now my brother when he grew up was asked with the most earnest solicitude what he would like to be or to do everything was made easy for him to enter upon any career he might choose but nobody thought of giving me a chance it was taken for granted that I should be content to marry and only to marry and when I expressed my objection to being so limited nobody believed I was an earnest so here I am and I won't deny she confessed with her habitual kinder that it did occur to me but I might have cared for you as a lover had I not been married but of course the thought did not disturb me it was merely a passing glimpse of a might have been when one has a husband one must be loyal to him even in thought whatever terms we are on the tenor rose abruptly and walked to the farther into the room and stood there for a little leaning against the window frame with his back to her looking out at the cathedral he felt sick and faint and found the fire and the smell of the roses overpowering but presently he recovered and then he returned to her his face was set now white and passionate as it had been while he waited to rescue her from the river and when he spoke there was no tone in his voice it was as if he were repeating some dry fact by roads there is no excuse for you then he said and she perceived with surprise that until he knew she was married he had tried to believe that there was he were playing with me cheating me mocking me all the time angelica looked at him in dismay israfil israfil she pleaded springing to her feet and clasping his arm with both hands her better nature thoroughly aroused oh israfil forgive me she almost shook him in her vehemence then flung him from her and pressed her hands to her eyes for an instant mocking you oh no she protested believe me believe me if you can i respected you almost from the first i reverenced you at last i used to tease you about myself to begin with i repeat because it did not occur to me that you could care seriously for a girl to whom you had never spoken then i began to perceive my mistake then i felt anxious to get you to go away and return and be properly introduced to us and so you schemed i arranged a future for you that is worthy of you oh israfil i have some conscience i am not so bad as you think me even if i had not dared to tell you tonight i should have sent you a full explanation as soon as you had gone i thought when once you were engaged upon a new career you would forget all this i'm surprised to hear that you did not expect me to enjoy the joke at my own expense the trick you have played in angelica changed countenance it was exactly what she had expected don't speak bitterly to me she exclaimed it is not natural for you to do so oh i should know i know only too well all your good qualities my heart has been wrong a hundred times by the thought of all i have lost by my folly she raised her hands with a despairing gesture don't imagine that you suffer alone or more than i do there is hope for you there is none for me but one thing has been a comfort i knew you only cared for an ideal creature not at all like me i was not afraid you would break your heart for a phantom that had never existed and for me as i am i knew you could have no regard i see she broke off i see all the contradictions that are involved in what i have said and i'm saying and yet i mean it all in separate sections of my consciousness each separate clause exists at this moment however contradictory and there is no reconciling them but there they are i can't understand it myself and i don't want you to try all i asked you is to believe me to forgive me there was an interval of silence after this and then the tenor spoke again it is nearly morning he said i will see you safely home the boy had been allowed to come and go as he liked but with her it was different and the altered position made itself again apparent in this newfound need for an escort it was evident to from the way the tenor had allowed the subject to drop tacitly agreeing to the assertion for me as i am i knew you could have no regard that he considered there was nothing more to be said but angelica retained her childish habit of talking everything out and this did not satisfy her it was such a lame conclusion she got up now however to accompany him my hair she exclaimed recollecting what am i to do with my hair i suppose my wig is lost then she burst out passionately oh why did you save my life and wrung her hands or why aren't you different now you know can't you say something to restore my self-respect won't you forgive me the tenor's face contracted us with a spasm of pain he had much to forgive and he may be pardoned if he showed no eagerness but he spoke at last i do forgive you he said then all at once his great tender heart swelled with pity poor misguided girl defaulted with a broken voice may god in heaven forgive you and help you and keep you safe and make you good and true and pure now and always she sank down at that and clasped his feet and burst into a paroxysm of tears which were as a fervent amen to the tenor's prayer come he said raising her come before it is too late you must do something with your hair but she could not plait it her hands trembled so and he was obliged to help her he got her a hat to roll it up under the light is uncertain he said and it is raining now even if we do meet anyone i don't think they would notice especially if i can find an umbrella for you he hunted one up from somewhere and then he hurried her away buried her across the river and left her at the lodge gate safely his last words being you will do some good in the world you will be a good woman yet i know i know you will in our book four chapter 15 part two end of book four book five chapter one of the heavenly twins this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org recording by Vijeta Sharma the heavenly twins by Sarah Grand book five chapter one mrs. Kilroy of Ilbert Hawk face to face in my chamber my silent chamber i saw her god and she and i only there i sat down to draw her soul through the clefts of confession speak i'm holding the fast as the angel of recollection shall do it at last my cup is blood red with my sin he said and i poured it out to the bitter lease as of the angel of judgment stood over me strong at last or as thou word as these Elizabeth Barrett Browning how built all is not lost the warm noon ensign frost unwordly tongues of promise like sheep bells die from us on the desert hills cloud crossed yet through the silence shall pierce the death angel's call and come up hither recover all heart wills thou go i go broken hearts try and serve ibit half an hour after the tenor parted from Angelica she was sleeping soundly not because she was vigilant but because she was exhausted and when that is the case sleep is the blessed privilege of youth and strength let what will have preceded it she lay there in her luxurious bed with one hand under her head her thick dark hair just as the tenor had braided it in contrast to the broad white pillow her smooth face on which no emotion of any kind had written a line as yet placed it as a little child's to all appearance an ideal of innocence and beauty and while she slept the rain stopped the misty morning broke the clouds had cleared away and the sun shone forth welcomed by a buzz of insects and chirrup of birds the uprising of countless summer scents and the opening of rainbow flowers it was one of those radiant days harmonizing best with tranquil or joyous moods when if we are disconsolate nature seems to mock our misery and callous earth rejoices forgetful of storms making us wonder with a deeper discontent why we too cannot forget Angelica slept a heavy dreamless sleep and when she did awake late in the morning it was not gradually with that pleasant dreamy langer which precedes mental activity in happy times but with a sudden start that aroused her to full consciousness in a moment and the recollection of all that had occurred the night before black circles round her eyes bore witness to the danger, fatigue and emotion of her late experiences she had a sharp pain in her head too and she was unaccustomed to physical pain but she felt it less than the dull ache she had at her heart and a general sense of things gone wrong that oppressed her but which she strove with stubborn determination to stifle her maid was busy in the dressing room the door of which was open and she called her Elizabeth, yes mom and the maid appeared smiling she was a good-looking woman of 30 or thereabouts she had come to Angelica when the latter got out of her nurse's hands and remained with her ever since Angelica being one of those mistresses who win the hearts of their servants by recognising the human nature in them and appreciating the kindness there is in devotion rather than accepting it as a necessary part of the obligation to earn wages bring me a cup of coffee Elizabeth yes mom the maid rejoined it shall be ready for you as soon as you have had your bath but I want it now said Angelica springing out of bed energetically and holding first one stem foot and then the other out to be shot there was a twinkle in the maid's eye as she answered please mom you made me promise never to give it to you however much you might wish it until you had had your bath you said you'd be sure to ask for it and I was to refuse because hot coffee was bad for you just before a cold bath and you really enjoyed it more afterward only you had it the strength of mind to wait quite so said Angelica you had a treasure Elizabeth really but did I say you were to begin today no mom not today in particular but the last time I brought it to you early you scolded me after you had taken it and said if ever I let myself be persuaded again you dismissed me on the spot and you warned me that you'd be artful and get it out of me somehow if I didn't take care so I did said Angelica she had been brought up with a pretty smart shock the night before and was suffering from the physical effects of the same that morning the mental was still in abeyance she felt a strange lassitude for one thing and was strongly inclined to indulge it by being indolent she breakfasted in her own room but could not eat neither could she read she turned her letters over then tried a book then going back to her letters again she picked one out which she had overlooked before it was from her husband and as she read it she changed countenance somewhat but it would be impossible to say what the change be tokened where the pleasure or the reverse Elizabeth she said speaking evenly as usual your master is coming back today he will be here for lunch the sickening sense of loss and pain which had assailed her when she awoke that morning did not diminish as the day wore on nor did her thoughts grow less unfortunate but she steadily refused to entertain any of them or to let her mental discomfort interfere with her occupations after reading her husband's letter she finished dressing had a long interview with her housekeeper went round the premises as were her daily habit to see that all was in order and then retired to her morning room and set to work methodically to write orders see to accounts and answer letters it was a busy day with her and she had only just finished when mr killroy arrived she went to meet him pleasantly held her cheek to be kissed and said she was glad he was in time for lunch there was no sign of the joy or effusion with which young wives usually receive their husbands after an absence but the greeting was eminently friendly Angelica had always had a strong liking for mr killroy and as she told him marriage had not affected this in any way she had made a friend of him while she was still in the school room and confided to him many things which she would not have mentioned to anyone else not even accepting Diablo and she continued to do so still she was sure of his sympathy sure of his devotion and she respected him as sincerely as she trusted him in fact had there been any outlet for his superfluous mental energy any satisfactory purpose to which the motive power of it might have been applied she would have made mr killroy an excellent wife she was not in love with him but she probably liked him all the better on that account for she must have been disappointed in him sooner or later had she ever discovered in him those marvelous fascinations which passion projects from itself on to the personality of the most commonplace person as it was however she had always left him out of her daydreams altogether she quite believed that pleasure is the end of life but then her ideal of pleasure is nice in the extreme nothing so vulgar and violent as passion entered into it and nothing so transient so innervating corroding and damaging both to the intellectual powers and the capacity for permanent enjoyment and nothing so repulsive either in its details its self-centered egotistical exaltation and the self-abasement which arrives with that final sense of satiety which she perceived to be inevitable that part of her nature had never been roused into actual life partly because it was not naturally strong but also because the more refined and delicately sensuous appreciation of beauty in life which is so much a characteristic of capable women nowadays dominated such animalism as she was equal to and made all course of pleasures repugnant it had been suggested to her that she might with a position and wealth form a salon and lay herself out to attract but she said no thank you one sees in the history of french salons the effect of irresponsible power on the women who formed them i'm bad enough naturally without applying for a license to become worse by making myself so agreeable that everybody will excuse me if i do and as to being a great beauty and nothing else one might as well be a great cow the comfort would be the same and the anxiety less the amount of attention received not depending on a clear complexion or an increase of figure and therefore necessitating no limit in the enjoyment of such good things as come with the varying seasons the winter version and summer state of being in plover it was to mr killroy that these remarks were made one day when she wanted a target to talk out for her appreciation of her husband did not amount to any adequate comprehension of the extent to which he understood her the truth was however that he understood her better than anybody else did the complete latitude he gave to her to do as she liked being evidence of the fact if only she could have interpreted it but she had failed to do so his quiet undemonstrative manner having sufficed to deceive her superficial observation of him as effectively as the treacherous smoothness of her own placid face when in repose upon the unruful surface of which there was neither mark nor sign to indicate the current of changeful moods ambitious projects and political fancies which caused impetuously within might exclusively have imposed upon him he was 20 years older than angelica and looked it but more by reason of his grave demeanor than from any actual mark of age for his life had been well ordered and as free from care as it had been from corruption mr killroy was not a talkative man and what he did say was neither original nor brilliant yet he was generally trusted and his advice oftener asked and followed than that of people whose reputations were at least as good and whose abilities were infinitely better the explanation of which was probably to be found in the good feeling which he brought to the consideration of all subjects some people whose brains would be at fault if they were asked to judge are enabled by qualities of heart to feel their way to the most praiseworthy conclusions mr killroy was one of those people well born out of ample means whom society recognizes as its own but without enthusiasm the sterling qualities which make them such an addition to its rants being less appreciated than the wealth and position which they contribute to its resources still in his case it was customary for women to describe him as a thoroughly nice man why an exceedingly good fellow was the corresponding masculine verdict he was in parliament now and was consequently obliged to be in London continually but laterally Angelica had refused to accompany him she left their place near morning quest and she had begun to appreciate the ancient city with its kindly benighted unchristian face its picturesqueness and all that was odd and old world about it there too she was somebody but in crowded London she lost all sense of her own identity though to do her justice she disliked it less for that than for itself for its hot rooms society gossip vapid men and spiteful women mr killroy could really persuade her to accompany him and never induce her to stay having her with him was just the one thing that he was a little persistent about and her willfulness in the Swiss length had been a real trouble to him he had come now to see if she continued obturate and he came meekly and with cancellation in his whole attitude she thought however that she knew how to get rid of him how to make him return alone in a week of his own accord so far as he himself knew anything about it and that too without thinking her horrid and she laid her plans accordingly this was something to do and so did she find the purposeless existence which the misfortune of having been born a woman compelled her to lead that even such an object was a relief and his spirits rose something anything for an occupation that was the state to which she was reduced she began at once and began by talking all through lunch she disclosed admirably and at first Mr Kilroy listened fascinated but by and by his attention became strained he found himself forced to listen it was an effort and yet he could not help himself he tried to check Angelica by assuming an absent look but she recalled him with a sharp exclamation he even took a letter out of his pocket and read the superscription but put it away again shamelessly upon her gently apologizing for monopolizing so much of his attention you see it is so long since i saw you she said you must forgive me if i have too much to say where lunch was over the carriage came round and Angelica all radiant smiles took it for granted that Mr Kilroy would go with her for a try now if there were one thing which he disliked more than another it was a stupid drive there and back without an object but Angelica seemed so uncommonly glad to see him he did not like to refuse he had many things to attend to but he felt that it would be bad policy not to humor her mood especially as it was such an extremely encouraging one so he went to please her with perfect good grace although he could not help thinking regretfully of the precious time he was losing of the accumulation of things never to be seen to about his own place and of some important letters he ought to have written that afternoon Angelica beguiled him successfully on the way out however so that he did not notice the distance but on the way back her manner changed so far she had been all brightness and animation now she became recubrious and took a morbid view of things she talked of all the men of middle age who had died lately and of what they had died of showing that most of them were taken of suddenly when in perfect health apparently unusually without any premonitory symptoms of disease it was all the result of some change of habits she said which was always dangerous in the case of men of middle age and Mr Kilroy began to feel uneasy inspired of himself for he had been obliged to alter his own habits considerably when he married and he was apt to be a little nervous about his health consequently he was much depressed when they returned and finding that he had missed the post did not tend to raise his spirits Angelica came down to dinner dressed in pale green with something yellow on her head Mr Kilroy admired her immensely she was the only subject upon which he ever became poetical and somehow the combination of colors she wore on this occasion with a leafy young figure and milk white skin made him think of an arum lily and he told herself and was very pleased with the pretty compliment when he had paid it and with the dinner and everything the fated age was forgotten and he allowed himself to be cheered by hopes of success in his present mission he had not yet mentioned it but when they were left alone at desert he began is my chartling tired of seclusion unwilling to return with me to the great wicked city he ventured with an effectation of playfulness which rather betrayed than concealed his very real anxiety a wife's place is by her husband your chartling is not tired of seclusion she answered in a cheerful matter of fact term and it is a wife's duty to look after her husband's house and keep it well for him especially in his absence but how much will you give me to go my private purse is empty mr killroy laughed it always is so far as i can make out he said but a mercenary arum lily what an anomaly i will give you a hundred pounds to buy dolls if you will go back with me next week angelica appeared to reflect i will take 50 thank you and stay where i am she answered with decision mr killroy's countenance fell if you will not come back with me you shall not have any he said with equal firmness then i shall be obliged to make it she rejoined with a schoolgirl grin of delight this threat to make money with her violent had kept her purse full ever since her marriage not that it was ever really empty for she had a handsome settlement mr killroy however was not the kind of man to inspect his wife's bank book and besides whether she had money or not if it amused her to obtain more he never could be quite sure that she would not carry out that dreadful threat and try to make it he knew she would be only too glad of an excuse knew too that if ever she tried she would be certain to succeed what with her talent presence family prestige and the interest which the ill-used young wife of an elderly commulsion that was the character she meant to assume she said was sure to excite she did not care for money it was the pleasure of the cheese that delighted her the fan of extorting it if mr killroy had given her all she asked for without any trouble she would have soon left of asking but he felt at his duty to refuse by way of discipline seeing that she was so young he did not think it right to indulge her extravagance and he did his best to curb the inclination gently before it became a confirmed habit after dinner he went to the library to write those important letters and angelica retired to the drawing room the night was close those and windows stood wide open and she got a violin and began to tune it she was too good a musician not to be able to make the instrument an instrument of torture if she chose and now she did choose she made it scream she made it wail she set her own teeth on ends with the horrid discords she drew from it it croaked like a cock 25 times running with an interval of half a minute between each crow it braids like two asses are common one answering the other from a considerable distance and then it became 10 cats calling crescendo with a voice after every violent outburst broken at well-charged intervals by an occasional howl mr killroy endured the nuisance up to that point heroically but at last he felt compelled to send a servant to tell angelica that he was writing oh she observed perversely choosing to misinterpret the purpose of this tactful message then i need not wait for him any longer i suppose bring me my coffee please the man withdrew and she proceeded with the torture mr killroy good naturedly shut his doors and windows hoping to exclude the sound when he found the hint had been lost upon her in vain the library was near the drawing room and every note was audible angelica was tumbling over an air now a dismal minor thing which would have been quite bad enough had she played it properly but as it was being apparently too difficult for her she made it distracting working her way up painfully to one particular part where she always broke down then going back and beginning all over again 20 times at least till mr killroy got the thing on the brain and found himself forced to wait for the catastrophe each time she approached the place where she stumbled presently he appeared at the drawing room door with a pen in his hand and a deprecating air he suspected no malice and only came to demonstrate angelica my dear he began i'm sorry to disturb you but i really cannot write i have been overworked lately or i'm tired with the journey down or something my head is a little confused in fact and a trifle distracts me would you mind angelica put down her violin with an injured air oh i don't mind of course she protested in a tone which contradicted the assertion flatly but it is very hard she took out her handkerchief you also sent him at home and when you are here you do nothing but write stupid letters and never come near me and this time you are horrid and cross about everything it is such a disappointment when i have been looking forward to your return her voice broke i wish i had never asked you to marry me you ought not to have done so it was not right of you if you only make to neglect me and make me miserable you won't do anything for me now not even give yourself the trouble to write out a check for 50 pounds though it would not take you a minute two great tears offload as she spoke as she raised her handkerchief with ostentatious loneliness to drive mr killroy was much distressed my dear child he exclaimed sitting down beside her there there angelica now don't please where angelica was shivering and crying in earnest a natural consequence of her immersion on the previous night and the state of mind which had ensued i'm obliged to write these letters i am indeed i ought to have done them this afternoon but i went out with you you know you really are unjust to me i have often told you that i do not think it is right for you to be so much alone but you will not listen to me come and sit with me now in the library i would much rather have you with me i would have asked you before but i was afraid it might bore you come now do no i should only fidget and disturb you she answered but in a modified tone well then he replied i will go and finish as fast as i can and come back to you here and don't fret my dear child you know there is nothing in reason i would not do for you in proof of which he sent the butler a little later by way of breaking the length of his absence agreeably with what looked like a letter on a silver salver Angelica opened it and found a check for a hundred pounds when she was alone again she beamed round upon the silent company of chairs and tables much pleased then her conscious smote her he is really very good she said to herself far too good for me i don't think i ever could have married anybody else but there was something dubious that resembled a question in this last phrase the next day was hopelessly miserable out of doors raining gusty cold mr killroy was not sorry he had a good deal of business connected with his property to attend to and did not want to go out and Angelica was not sorry she had some little plans of her own to carry out with her wedding rather favored than otherwise having finished her accustomed morning's work and being obliged to stay in it was natural that she should try to amuse herself also natural that she should try something in the way of exercise so she collected some dozen curves she kept about the place demonstrated mongrels for the most part but all intelligent and brought them into the hall where she made them run traces for biscuits the modest operandi being to place a biscuit on the top step of a broad flight of stairs there was at one end of the hall then to collect the dots at the other make them stand in a row a difficult task to begin with but easy enough when they understood which was very soon although not without much shrieking of orders from Angelica and responsive barking on their part and then stand them with a whip the first to arrive at the top of the stairs took the biscuit as a matter of course and the others fought him for it it was indescribably funny to see the whole pack tear up all eagerness and then come down again helter skelter tumbling over each other in the excitement of the scrimmage some of them losing their tempers but all of them enjoying the game returning of their own accord to the starting point waiting with yelps of excitement and eyes brightly intent ears pricked jaws open downshanging tails wagging side-spanning till another biscuit was placed then off once more sometimes after a false start or two caused by the impetuosity of a little yapping terrier which would rush before the signal was given and had to be brought back with the whip the other dogs looking disgusted meanwhile like honorable gentlemen at a cat who won't play fair Angelica shouting and laughing made as much noise in her way as the dogs did in theirs and the din was deafening an exasperating kind of din too not insistent but intermittent now swelling to a climax now lulling until there seemed some hope that it would seize all together then bursting out again whip cracking dogs howling and barking feet scampering Angelica shrieking worse than ever presently Mr Kilroy appeared with remonstrance written on every line of his countenance my dear Angelica he said unable to conceal his quite justifiable annoyance i can do nothing if this racket continues and deprecatingly is it is it quite seemingly for you i used to do it at home Angelica answered but you are not at home now quick as light she turned and looked at him with her great eyes i mean he grew confused in his haste to correct himself of course you are at home very much so indeed you know but what i want to say is as the mistress of a large establishment dignity setting an example and all that sort of thing don't you see none of the servants are about at this hour Angelica answered it is their dinner time but i apologize for my thoughtlessness if i have disturbed you she smiled up at him as she spoke and poor Mr Kilroy retired to the library quite disarmed by her gentleness and blaming himself for a selfish brute to have interfered with her innocent amusement in future he determined he would make more allowance for her youth Angelica meanwhile had collected her dots and disappeared but presently she returned and followed Mr Kilroy to the library he was busy writing and she went and stood in the window looking idly out at the ring and drumming absently as obscene on the pins with 10 strong fingers till he could bear it no longer my dear child he exclaimed at last can't you get something to do Angelica stopped instantly if her thoughtlessness was exasperating her docility was exemplary but she seemed disheartened then she seemed to consider then she brightened a little then she got some letters sat down and began to write scratch scratch scratch squeak squeak squeak on rough paper with a quill pen writing in furious haste at a table just behind her husband why did she choose the library his own private sanctum for the purpose when there were half a dozen other rooms at least where she might have been quite as comfortable Mr Kilroy visited uneasily but he bore this new inflection silently though with an ever-increasing sense of irritation for some time finally however an exclamation of impatience slipped from him unaware do i worry you with my scribbling Angelica demanded with hypocritical concern i'm sorry but i've just done and she went away with some half dozen notes for the post when they met again at lunch she told him triumphantly that she had refused all the invitations which had come for him since his arrival on account of his hemp she had told everybody that he had come home for perfect rest and quiet which he much needed after the strain of his parliamentary duties and as one of the notes at least would be read at a public meeting to explain his absence therefore and would afterward appear in the papers probably she had made it impossible for him to go anywhere during his stay Mr Kilroy could not complain however for had he not himself said only last night that he was suffering from the effects of overwork and so alarmed her and he would not have complained in any case when he saw her so joyfully triumphant in the belief that she had cleverly eased him from an operation number of duties but he determined to pick his excuses more carefully another time for the prospect of a prolonged tethered with Angelica in her present humor somewhat appalled his peace-loving soul and the thought of it did just stir him sufficiently for the moment to cause him to venture to suggest that in future it might be as well for her to consult him before she answered for him in any matter Angelica replied with an intelligent nod and smile she was altogether charming in these days in spite of her perverseness and Mr Kilroy while groaning inwardly at her irritating treats was also touched and flattered by the anxiety she displayed for his comfort and welfare he hoped to enjoy a quiet cigar and a book after luncheon but Angelica had another notion in her head she went to the drawing room opened doors and windows sat down to the piano and began to sing shades scales intervals the whole exercise book threw abundantly from beginning to end and with such good will that her voice resounded throughout the house she had eaten nothing since breakfast so as to be able to produce it with the desired effect and there was no escape from the sound but poor Mr Kilroy did not like to interfere with her industry as he had done with her idleness he was afraid he had shown too much impatience already for one day so he endured this further trial without exhibiting a sign of suffering but after an hour or two of it he found himself sighing for the undisturbed propose of his house in town in a way that would have satisfied Angelica had she known it and dinner she looked very nice but she did not talk much conversation was not Mr Kilroy's strong point but he was good at anecdotes and now he racked his brains something new to tell her she listened however without seeming to see the point of some and others cost her to stare at him in wide eyed astonishment as of short which made him pause awkwardly to consider half fearing to find some impropriety which a scorser masculine mind had hitherto failed to detect this cost the flow of reminiscences to languish and presently to cease then Angelica began to make bread builds she set them in a room and fruit them off the table one by one deliberately when the servants left the room this amusement ended she put flowers to pieces between the courses and hummed a little tune Mr Kilroy visited he felt as if he had been saying don't ever seems he came home and he would not now repeat it but the self-repression disagreed with him and so did his dinner dyspepsia having baited on appetite a lieu of digestion after dinner Angelica induced him to go with her to the drawing room and when she had got him comfortably seated and had given him his coffee and a paper and just peace enough to let him fall into a pleasurably drowsy state accompanied by a strong disinclination to move she began to pick out the dead march in stone and kindred melodies with one finger on the piano Mr Kilroy bore this inflection also but when she brought a cookery book and insisted on reading the recipes aloud he went to bed in self-defense end of book five chapter one recording by Vijeta Sharma book five chapter two of the heavenly twins this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org recording by Vijeta Sharma the heavenly twins by Sarah Grant book five chapter two if the first and second days at home were failures so far as Mr Kilroy's comfort was concerned the third was as bad if not worse it was a continual case of please don't from morning till night and Angelica herself was touched at last by the kindly nature which could repeat the remonstrance so often and so patiently but all the same she did not forbear all that day however Mr Kilroy made every allowance for her Angelica was thoughtless very thoughtless but it was only natural that she should be so considering her youth on the next day however it did occur to him that she was far too exacting but she would not let him leave her for a moment if she could help it and on the next he was sufficiently depressed to acknowledge that Angelica was trying and if he did not actually sigh for solitude he felt at all evens that it would cost him no effort to resign himself to it if she should again prove refractory and refuse to go back with him and Angelica knew that he had arrived at the state just as well as if he had told her but still she was far from contained she wanted him to go and she wanted him to stay she did not know what she wanted she teased him with as much zeal as at first but the amusement had ceased to distract her in the least degree it had become quite a business now and she only kept it up because she could think of nothing else to do she was conscious of some change in herself conscious of her rocking spirit of discontent which tormented her and of the fact that in spite of her super abundant vitality she had lost all zest for anything outwardly and also as a matter of habit when she was with anybody who might have noticed the change she maintained the dignity of demeanor which she had begun to cultivate in society upon her marriage but inwardly she raged raged at his self at everybody at everything and this mood again was varied by two others one of unnatural queersence the other of feverish restlessness in the one she would sit for hours at the time doing nothing not even pretending to occupy herself in the other she would wander aimlessly up and down would walk about the room and look at the pictures without seeing them or go upstairs for nothing and come down again without perceiving the folly of it all and she was forever thinking Diabola was at Sandhurst if only he had been at Ilvatru she might have talked to him she tried the effect of a letter full of illusions which should have aroused his curiosity if not a sympathetic interest but he made no remark about these in his reply and only wrote about himself and his prance which seemed intolerably childish and stupid to Angelica in her present mood and about his objection to early rising and regular hours all of which she knew so that the repetition only irritated her she considered Mr Kilroy obtuse and thought bitterly that anyone with a scrape of intelligent interest in her must have noticed that she had something on her mind and won her confidence this reflection occurred to her in the drawing room one night after dinner and immediately afterward she caught him looking at her with a grave intensity which should have puzzled her if it did not strike her as significant of some deeper feeling than that to which the carnal admiration for her person which she expected and despised would have given rise but she was too self-absorbed to be more observant than she gave him the credit of being the result of Mr Kilroy's observation was an effort to take her out of herself he began by asking her to play to him not very graciously she got out a violin remarking that she was sorry if it was not her best one where is your best one he asked it is not at home she answered I left it with Isterville my fair-head friend you know she spoke slowly holding the end of the violin and tightening the strings as she did so they effort causing her to compress her lips so that the words were uttered distraughtedly and as she finished speaking she raised the instrument to her shoulder and her eyes to Mr Kilroy's face into which she gazed intently as she drew her bow across the strings testing them as to whether they were in tune or not I'm seeming rather to listen than to look as she did so Mr Kilroy still quietly observing her noticed that her equanimity had been suddenly distraught but whether it was the meadow tunes of a violin or some happy thought that had released the tension he could not tell it was as much relief however to him to see her brighten as it was to her to feel when she answered him that a great feat had been lifted from her mind and she would now be able to talk it out this trouble that oppressed her unrestrained Italy as was natural to her when Mr Kilroy accepted the terms upon which she proposed to marry him namely that he should let her do as she liked she had voluntarily promised to tell him everything she did and she had kept her word as was her word telling him the exact truth as on this occasion but mixing it up with so many romances that he never knew which was which he was in town when she first met the tenor but when he returned she told him all that had happened and continued the story from time to time as the various episodes occurred making it extremely interesting and also almost picturesque Mr Kilroy knew the tenor by reputation of course and was much entertained by what he believed to be the romance which Angelica was weaving about his interesting personality he suggested that she should write it just as she told it I have not seen anything like it anywhere he said nothing half-so-life like oh but then you see this is all true she gravely insisted oh of course he answered smiling and now when she answered that she had left her best violin with the tenor it reminded him by the by yes he said how does the story progress I was thinking about it in the train on my way home but I forgot to ask you other things I've put it out of my head since I arrived and out of mine too said Angelica thoughtfully at least I forgot to tell you which is extraordinary by the way for matters are now so complicated between us that I can think of nothing else it will be quite a relief to discuss the subject with you she drew up a little chair and sat down opposite to him with her violin across her knee and began immediately and with great earnestness looking up at him as she spoke she described all that had happened on that last sad occasion minutely the road down the river the moon rise the music the accident the rescue the discovery and its effect upon the tenor and all with her accustomed picturesqueness speaking in the first person singular and with such force and Provency that Mr Kilroy was completely carried away and declared as on previous occasions that she said the whole thing before him so vividly he found it impossible not to believe every word of it and what are you going to do now he asked with his indulgent smile when she had told him all that there was to tell it present you cannot end it there you know it would be such a lame conclusion that was just what I thought she answered and I wanted to ask you as a man of the word what would you advise me to do well he began then he rose and held out his hand to help her from her little chair will you come out and sit on the terrace he said and allow me to smoke the night is warm Angelica nodded and proceeded him through one of the open windows well Mr Kilroy resumed when he had lit his cigar and settled himself in a cane chair comfortably with Angelica in another opposite what a lovely night it is after the rain yesterday this by way of parenthesis rather close though he observed and then he returned to the subject I suppose you mean that you do not want it to be all over between you between the tenor and the boy she corrected the whole charm of the acquaintance don't you see for me consisted in that footing I don't know how to express it but perhaps you can grasp what I mean Mr Kilroy reflected I'm afraid he said at last that footing cannot be resumed the inferences of sex once the differences are cognized are involuntary but if he has no objection I do not see why you should not be friends and intimate friends too and with that sort of man you might make some advance especially as you are entirely in the wrong I'm not saying you know now this would be the proper thing to do as a rule but here are exceptional circumstances and here is an exceptional man now that is significant said Angelica jeering society is so demoralized that if a man is caught conducting himself with decency and honor on all occasions when a woman is in question you involuntarily explain that he is an exceptional man Mr Kilroy smoked on in silence for some time with his eyes fixed on the quiet stars his attitude expressed nothing but extreme quiescence yet Angelica felt reprude don't snuck me daddy she explained at last I came to you in my difficulty and you do not seem to care Mr Kilroy looked at his cigar and flicked the ash from the end of it tell me how to get out of this horrid dilemma Angelica pursued I shall never know a moment's peace until we have resumed our acquaintance on a different footing and I have been able to make him some reparation ah reparation said Mr Kilroy dubiously do you think it is impossible Angelica demanded not impossible perhaps but very difficult he answered really Angelica he broke off laughingly I quite forget every now and again that we are romantic you must write the story for me let me see where we were Mr Kilroy replied humoring her good naturedly it is a pity you cannot unmarry yourself you see being married complicates matters to a much greater extent than if you had been single a girl might under certain circumstances be forgiven for an escapade of the kind but when a married woman does such a thing it is very different still if you can get well out of it of course the difficulty will make the denouement all the more interesting but I don't see how I'm to get well out of it unless you will go to him yourself and tell him you know the whole story and do whatever you're tagged and goodness suggests to set the matter right she went forward with her arms folded on her lap looking up at him eagerly as she spoke and beating a devil's tattoo with her slender feet on the ground impatiently deviant no he answered deliberately that would not be natural you see either you must be objectionable or your husband must and upon the whole I think you had better sacrifice the husband otherwise you lose your reader's sympathy make you objectionable daddy Angelica exclaimed the thing is not to be done I could never have asked you to marry me if you have been objectionable and I don't see why I should be so either entirely you know if I have been quite horrid I should not have appreciated you and the tenor and uncle dawn and dr galbraith oh dear why is it when good men are so scarce that I should know so many and yet be dormanted with the further knowledge that you are all exceptional and crying and misery continue because it is so what is the use of knowing when one can do nothing again mr Kilroy looked up at the quite stars but Angelica gave him no time to reflect I don't see why I should be severely consistent she said let me be a mixture not a foul mixture but one of those which eventually result in something agreeable after going through a period of fermentation during which they throw up an unpleasant scum that has to be removed that would do mr Kilroy responded gravely but just now Angelica resumed it seems as if I should be obliged to let matters take the course and do nothing which is intolerable oh but you must do something mr Kilroy decided and the first thing will be to go to him go to him she ejaculated well yes he rejoined naturally you will feel it now that you are no longer the boy made courageous by his unsuspicious confidence I mean the tenors it is quite proper for you to be shy and ashamed of yourself as a woman of course you're not wanting in modesty but there's no help for it he would never come to you so you must go to him I quite think that you owe him any reparation you can make and knowing the sort of man he is you have made his character well known in the place have you not Angelica nodded well then a visit from a lady of Iran will create no scandal nor even cause any surprise I should think if you go quite openly where you are known to be a musician and might therefore reasonably be supposed to have business with one of the profession I wish by the by you had made him an ugly man with kind eyes you know it would have been more original I think but you will find out who he is of course no I hardly think so Angelica answered but you would advise me to go to him this my way of bringing him back to the subject yes with a vigorous attempt to draw his cigar to life again it having gone all but out I should advise you to go to him boldly by day of course and just make him forgive you insist on it you will find he cannot resist you then you will start afresh on a new footing as you wish and the whole thing will end happily you forget though he did forgive me there are various kinds of forgiveness mystical Roy replied there is the forgiveness that washes its hands of the culprit and refuses to be further troubled on his behalf the least estimable form of forgiveness and there is that which proves itself sincere by the effort which is after all made to help the penitent that is the kind of forgiveness you should try to secure but somehow it still seems unfinished Angelica grumbled if you have been single now mystical Roy's interested you would in the natural course of events have married the tenor oh no Angelica vigorously interposed I should never have wanted to marry him can't I make you understand the side of my nature which I turned to him as the boy is the only one he has charged and I could never care for him in any other relation well I don't know mystical Roy observed thoughtfully it may be so of course but it is unusual and so am I unusual Angelica answered quickly but there will be plenty more like me buy and buy now don't look heaven forbid at me in that way that was not in the least what I intended to express he answered with his kindly smile indulgent and I'm inclined to think that your own idea of loving him without being in love with him is the best it is so much less common place but what do you think speaking as if struck by a bright idea what do you think of putting him under a great obligation which will bind him to you in gratitude unsecure his friendship you might with great courage and devotion and all that sort of thing you know why not all about him prove him to be a prince or something the air to greater states and hereditary privileges with congenial duties attached the idea is not exactly new but your treatment of it would be sure to be original Angelica interrupted him by decisive shake of a head but about going to him she demanded you do not think speaking as a man of the word yourself and remembering that he knows the world too although he's such a saint you do not think such a proceeding on my part will lower me still further in his estimation well no Mr Kilroy deployed I feel quite sure it will have just the opposite effect as a man of the world he will know what it has caused a young lady like you to humble herself to that extent as a saint he will appreciate the act looking at it in the light of a penance which in point of fact it would be and as a human being he will be touched by your confidence in him and the value you set upon his sustain so that all together I'm convinced it is the proper thing to do Angelica made no reply but got up languidly after a moment's thought carefully ruffled his hair with both hands as she passed called him dear old daddy and retired Mr Kilroy did not like to have his hair ruffled in that way particularly as he was apt to forget and appear in public with it all standing up on end but he bore the inflection as it was intended for a carousel Angelica's carousels always took some such form she assured him he would like them in time and he sincerely hoped he might but the time had not yet arrived the following evening they were again in the drawing room together Mr Kilroy was reading the papers Angelica was sitting with her hands before her doing nothing not even listening though she affected to do so when he read aloud such news as he thought would interest her the week was nearly over and nothing more had been said about her return to town she was just wondering now if Mr Kilroy had found the week a long one she had given him more than enough of a company and made him feel at least so she hoped slipping back to the mood in which he had found her upon his arrival made him feel how pleasant a thing it is to dwell alone in your own house with no one to trouble you and she quite expected to find when it came to the point that he would cheerfully take no for an answer presently she rose went to a mirror that was let into the wall and looked at herself critically for some seconds should you think it'd be possible for anybody to fall so hopelessly in love with my appearance that when love was found to be out of the question friendship would also be impossible she demanded in a tone of contempt for herself turning half round from the mirror to look at Mr Kilroy as she spoke Mr Kilroy glanced at her over his pond's name that same appearance which she disliked to be valued for what's a never-failing source of pleasure to him but he took good care to conceal the fact on this occasion however he fell into the natural mistake of supposing that she was coquettishly trying to extricate a compliment from him for once an amusing feminine device to which she seldom condescended well I should think it extremely probable he replied if he were not already in love with another woman or an idea Angelica suggested with Yon and Mr Kilroy perceiving that he had somehow missed the point took up his paper and finished with the paragraph he had been reading then he said looking up at her again with admiring eyes I do not think I quite like that red frock of yours it seems to me that it is making you look alarmingly pale Angelica returned to the mirror and once more looked at herself deliberately perhaps it does she answered but at any rate you shall not see it again and having spoken she sauntered out onto the terrace with a listening step and from thence she wandered off into the gardens where the scent of roses set her thinking thinking thinking she sought to change the direction of her thoughts but vainly they would go on in spite of her and they were always busy with the same subject always working at the one idea Israel Israel there was nobody like him and how badly she had treated him and how good he had always been to her and how could she go on day after day like this with no hope of ever seeing him again in the old delightful intimate way and oh if she had not done this and oh if she had not done that it might all have been so different if only she had been different but now how could it come right a hopeless hopeless hopeless case she had lost his respect forever and not to be respected a woman and not respected she went down to the launch gate where they had parted and remembered the chill misery of the moment the gray morning light the belting rain ah with his sudden bang she only thought of it now how wet he must have been he had lent her his one umbrella and she had kept it she had it still she had allowed him to walk back in the rain without trap or protection of any kind and now she came to think of it he had never changed his things after he had rescued her he never did think of himself the most selfless man alive and she alas had never thought of him never considered his comfort in anything oh remorse if only she could have those times all over again or even one of those times so recklessly misspent he might have lost his life through that wedding or what if he lost his voice singers have notoriously delicate truths but happily nothing so untoward had resulted she received the blame of a crowning disaster she knew because she had heard of him going to the cathedral as usual she had taken the trouble to inquire not daring to go herself and she had seen in that day's paper that he would sing the anthem tomorrow so evidently he had not suffered which was some comfort and yet how could he go to the cathedral every day and sing as usual just as if nothing had happened it might be fortitude but considering the circumstances it was far more likely to be indifference and so she continued to torment herself thinking always thinking without any power to stop the next day Mr Kilroy returned to town alone he had only once again alluded to his wish that she should accompany him and that he did quite casually for she had succeeded in making him content that she should refuse she had convinced him that her exuberant spirits were all together too much for him he had not had an arms peace since his arrival though the place would have held a regiment comfortably and what would it be if he shut her up in London in a confined space comparatively speaking and against her will too he left by an early afternoon train and she drove to the station with him to see him off she had enjoyed his visit very much so she said especially the last part of it when she had surpassed herself in ingenious devices to exact attention all that while it lasted really had distracted her but the occupation was not happiness far from it it was a sort of intoxicant rather which made her a previous for the moment of her discontent and every pause however remorse possessed her remorse for the past yet it never occurred to her that her present misdemeanors would be passed in time and might also entail consequences which would in turn come to be causes of regret but now when she had succeeded in getting rid of Mr Kilroy she was sorry she stood on the platform watching the train until it was out of sight and then she returned to her carriers with a distinct feeling of loss and pain what should she do with the rest of the day she even thought of the next and the next and the next a long vista of weary days through which she must live alone and to no purpose a waste of life a waste of life a barren waste a land of sand and thorns she wished she was a child again playing prance with Diablo and she also wished that she had never played prance since it was so hard to break herself of the habit yet she enjoyed them still and assured herself that she was only discontented now because she had absolutely nobody left to torment then she tried to imagine what it would be to have Diablo with her in her present mood and instantly a scorn of conflicting emotions burst in her breast angry emotions for the most part because he was no longer with her in either sense of the word because he was indifferent to all that concerned her in most so and discontent to live like a lady himself a trivial idle life the chief business of which was pleasure unremunerative pleasure upon which he would have had her expend her highest faculties in return for what admiring dances at herself and her guns perhaps but what should she do with the rest of the day her handsome horses were prancing through morning quest as she asked herself the question and there was a little men in her on the footway looking up with kindly envy at the lady no older than herself sitting alone in her splendid carriage with her coachman and footman and everything nothing to do included very much included being in fact the principal item i should be helping her thought angelica she is ill-fed overburnt and weakly while i'm pampered and strong but there's no rational way for me to do it if i took her home with me and kept her in luxurious idleness for the rest of her days as i could very well afford to do i should only have dragged her down from the dignity of her own honest exertions into this law of self-indulgence in which i find myself and meet bad words she should have more and i should have less but how to arrive at that isolated efforts seem to be aborted yet she stopped the carriage and looked back the girl had disappeared she decided the coachman to return and kept him driving up and down sometime in the hope of finding her but the girl was nowhere to be seen nor could they trace her upon inquiry another opportunity lost thought angelica a few pounds in her pocket would have been a few weeks rest for her a few good means a few innocent pleasures she would have been strengthened and refreshed and i should have been the better two for the recollection of a good deed done the carriage had pulled up close to the curb and the footman stood at the door waiting for orders what is there to do thought angelica may shall i go not home the house is empty cause i might as well be dying in that way as any other she gave the order and passed the next two hours in making calls toward the end of the afternoon she found herself within about a mile of hamilton house and determined to go and see her mother there was no real confidence between them but lady adiland's presence was soothing and angelica thought she would like to go and sit in the same room with her have tea there and not be worried to talk these peaceful intentions were frustrated however by the presence of some visitors who were there when she arrived and of others who came pouring in afterward in such numbers that it seemed as if the whole neighborhood meant to call that afternoon mr hamilton welts was making tea and talking as usual with extreme precision angelica found him seated at a small but solid black abney table with a massive silver tea service before him he folded his hands when she entered and without rising awaited the erotic kiss which it was her habit to deposit somewhere about his head when she met him which ceremony concluded he gravely poured her out a cup of tea with sugar and milk but no cream as he observed and then he peeped into the teapot and proceeded to fill it up from the great and which was bubbling and boiling in front of him he always made tea in his own house it was a fad of his and the more people he had to make it for the better please he was a servant was stationed at his elbow whose duty it was to place the cups as his master fills them on a silver salver held by another servant who took them to offer to the visitors who were seated about the room angelica knew the ceremony well and slipped away into a corner as soon as she could escape from her father's punctilious inquiries about her own health and her husbands and there she became wedged by degrees as the room grew gradually crowded beside her was a mirror in which she could see all who arrived and all that happened and involuntarily she became a silent spectator the medium of the mirror imparting a curious unreality to the scene which invested it with all the charm of a dream and as in a dream she looked and listened while clearly beneath the main current of conversation and unbroken by the restless change and motion of the people her own thoughts flowed on consciously and continuously half turned from the rest of the room she sat at the table listlessly turning the leaves of an album at which she glanced when she was not looking into the mirror she saw the party from moon into the room aunt fielder and her eternal calm she looked just the same in the marketplace at morning quest that unlucky night when the tenor met the boy she was always the same is it human to be always the same who is that lady angelica heard a girl ask of a benevolent looking elderly clergyman who was standing with his back to her oh that is lady falda gothary the youngest daughter of the duke of morning quest he replied she is a roman catholic a pervert as we say but still a very noble woman religious too in spite of the eras of Rome one must confess it a pity she ever left us a great pity but of course her loss as well as ours we request to women though but somehow we do not keep them and i cannot think why too cold angelicus taught serano hollow shallow inconsistent loveless catholicism equals a modern refinement of pagan principles with all the old deities on their best behavior thrown in why protestantism is an ecclesiastical system founded on fetish you are a stranger in the neighborhood the benevolent old clergyman was saying only on a wizard ah then of course you don't know they are a remarkable family somewhat eccentric ideola as they call her is no relation only an intimate friend of lady claudia beamons and of the marquels of dawn the three are usually together the new order is an outcome of their ideas a sort of feminine with him grished so well as i can make out but no good can come out of that kind of thing and i trust as you are a very young lady not so young i'm 22 indeed with a smile and a bow i should not have taught you more than 19 but 22 is not a great age either and i do hope you will not be drawn into that set they are sadly misguided the lady scoff at the wisdom of men look for inconsistencies and laugh at them actually it is very bad taste you know and they call it an impertinence for us to presume to legislate exclusively in matters which especially concern their sex and also object the interference of the church as being a distinctly masculine organization in the regulation of their lives men they declare have always said that they do not understand women and it is of course the height of folly for them to presume to express opinions upon a subject they do not understand now can anything be more absurd and it is dangerous besides absolutely dangerous yet i hear that they are very good women the girl ventured and angelica thought that she deducted a note of derision leveled at the clerical exponent of these reprehensible ideas beneath the demure remark oh sidelang he answered cordially but still to blame misguided you know so i went to warn you how can they presume to reject proper direction their pride is excessive but the church will receive them and extend her benefits to them still if only they will humble themselves conversation over the room entered upon a crescendo passage at this moment and angelica lost the rest of the sentence in the general outburst a new voice presently claimed her attention the speaker was a young man addressing another young man and both had their backs turned to her and were looking hard at a portrait of herself hung solo on the wall that they had to stoop to look into it painted by a good man with the first words she heard rather fine face who is it daughter of the house don't you know old duke's granddaughter married old killroy of wilverthorpe ah then that was done some time ago i expect oh dear no only last year it was exhibited in the last academy then she is still young he peered into the portrait once more with an evident increase of interest she looks as if she might be larky can't make her out on my word was the response delivered in a tone of strong disapproval married to an elderly chap not old exactly but a good 20 years older than herself who gives her her head to an unlimited extent yet she says she doesn't care to have a lot of men watering about and by chance she acts as if she meant it it's basically unnatural you know well i must say i like a woman to be a woman the other rejoined serving the portrait from this new point of view but that's the way with all that gutery lot and you know don't himself a spy so what can you expect of the rest the tone implied suddenly angelica felt her face flush one of her ungovernable fits of fury was upon her she sprung to her feet upsetting her chair with a crash and turned upon the two young men who recognizing changed color and countenance and shrank back apologetically her uncle seeing something wrong had hurried across the room to her with anxious eyes who are those people she asked him indicating the two young men locked on always all courtesy and consideration himself was shocked by her tone i think you have met captain lester before he gravely reminded her let me introduce no for heaven's sake angelica broke forth glaring angrily at the offenders she walked away abruptly with the words on her lips leaving lotton to settle with the delinquents as he thought fit her mother who was seated at the father end of the room talking to a charming looking old lady angelica did not know stretched out her hand to her as she approached and drew her to a seat beside her and instantly angelica felt herself in another moral atmosphere this is my daughter mrs. killroy of ill with her lady adela said to the old lady then added smiling there are so many mrs. killroy's in this neighborhood one is obliged to specify angelica dear mrs. power angelica bowed and then leaned back in her chair so that she might not have to join in the conversation but she listened in an absent sort of way feeling huthed the while by the tone of refinement of earnestness and sincerity in which every word was uttered no i'm sure lady adela was saying i'm sure no one who can judge would mistake that lineless calm for a device to cover all emotion i never have done so myself mrs. power rejoined although i do not know her history but i should say judging merrily from observation than the fineness of recountedness which consists more in the expression of it than an either form or feature the both are good is the result of long self repression self denial and self discipline the evidence of a true and beautiful soul out of a noble mind at rest after some heavy sorrow or some great temptation which being resisted has proved a blessing and a source of strength angelica wondered of whom they were speaking and following the direction of their eyes met those of ideela which the little sadly a little wistfully upon herself young people as they grow up find their own life's history so absorbingly interesting that they think little of what may have happened or may be happening to those whom they have always known as grown up and it had never occurred to angelica that any one of the placid gentle-mannered women among whom she had always lived in contrast to them herself as a comment is to the fixed stars had ever experienced any extremes of emotion now however she felt as if her eyes had been subtly opened and she looked with a new interest at her old familiar friends and wondered her mind busy for the moment with what she had just heard she could not keep it there however involuntarily it slipped away back back to that first attempt of hers to see the hidden ways of life go round the marketplace the tenor suddenly she felt as if she must suffocate if she did not get out into the air and rising quickly she stole from the room and out of the house and observed but the babble of voices seemed to pursue her she stood for a moment on the steps and felt as if the people were all preparing to stream out of the drawing room after her to surround her and keep up the distracting bus in her ears by their idle inconsequent talk their horses were prancing about the drive their empty carriages with cushions or a and raps flung untidily down on the seats or even hanging over the doors and grazing the dusty weeds gave her a sense of disorder and a sculphur from which she felt she must fly where to man place the footman asked touching his hat when he had closed the door fountain tires angelica answered she would go and see dr galbraith when the carriage drew up under the porch at fountain tires she sat sometime as if unaware of the fact but the footman's patient face as he waited with his hand on the handle of the door ready to help her to descend recalled her she walked into the house as she had always been accustomed to do and instantly thoughts of diavolo came crowding why had diavolo ceased to be all in all to her she asked herself the question through a mist of tears which gathered in her eyes but did not fall and at the same moment her busy mind took note of the singular appearance of a statue on the staircase as she beheld it in blurred outline through her pitamed vision she found dr galbraith in the library sitting at his writing table the door was half open so she entered without knocking and walked up to him he turned at the sound of a step rose smiling and held out his hand when he saw who it was i have been thinking about you this afternoon he remarked sit down but before she had settled herself his practice eyes had detected something wrong what is it he asked nerves she answered give me something he went to an inner room and returned presently with a colonist trot in a medicine glass she took it from him and drank it mechanically and then he pleased a cushion for her and she leaned back in the deep arm chair and closed her eyes dr galbraith looked at her for a few seconds seriously and then returned to his writing presently lord don came in and raised his eyebrows inquiringly when he saw angelica who seemed to be asleep overwrought dr galbraith replied to the silent inquiry there was a fracker at hamilton house just now her uncle observed but how is all this going to end well of course but you had better leave her to me lord don quietly withdrew oh the blessed rest at peace of the space angelica explained shortly afterward dr galbraith who had resumed his writing put down his pen again and turned to her talk to me she said i've lost my safe respect i've lost heart i'm a good for nothing worthless person how am i to get out of this dreadful groove live for others live openly he answered slowly looking up beyond her into futurity with a kindly light in his deep gray eyes a something of hope of confidence of encouragement expressed in a strong plain face angelica bowed her head the familiar phrases had a new significance now and diverted the stream of her reflections into another channel she folded her hands on her lap and sat motionless once more with her eyes fixed on the ground dr galbraith was a specialist in mental maladies he knew exactly how much to say and went to say it if the texts were as much as the patient required or could be he never made the mistake of preaching a sermon upon it in addition and so for the third time he took up his pen and returned to his work leaving angelica engaged in sober thought unhappily quiescent end of book five chapter two recording by vijeta sharmel