 J-E-L-L-O! The Jello Program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Dennis Day, and yours truly, Don Wilson. The orchestra opens a program with you walk by, played by the orchestra. And now, ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to explain why Jack Benny is not here for his customary introduction. As you may remember, Jack has been having a lot of trouble lately with Paramount regarding the premiere of his picture that he recently made with Fred Allen. Yeah, that's right, all right. Last week, Jack spoke on the telephone to Mark Sandrich, his director about this matter, but, uh, got absolutely no satisfaction. Yeah, he spoke on the phone. Then he got in touch with Mr. LaBaron, who is in charge of production at Paramount, and also Mr. Freeman, the head of the studio. But in neither instance was Jack successful in achieving his purpose. Oh, it was awful. Dennis, please, I'm trying to explain something. Say, Don, I thought Jackson had that premiere all set for Walt Keegan. What's he beefing about? Well, it's not settled yet, Phil. In fact, Jack is over at Paramount right now trying to sell Mr. Sandrich the idea. Mary is with him, and I doubt very... Oh, Mr. Sandwich's office. Sorry, he's busy right now. Very well, I'll have him call you. Now, look here, Miss Wellman. I've been waiting an hour and a half to see Mr. Sandrich. Will you please do something about it? I've already told you, Mr. Benny. He'll see you just as soon as he's through with his conference. Conference, conference. Who's he in conference with? You're at the keyhole. You tell me. I'm not at the keyhole. I'm bending over to tie my shoe. How can you tie a shoe with buttons on it? All right, I'm buttoning my shoe. My goodness. Oh, Jack, come over here and sit down, will you? Listen, Mary, I don't like being kicked around like this. The premiere of my picture is going to be held in Walt Keegan. I'm going to settle it right now. But they already promised, Fred Allen, that they were going to have it in his hometown. Old Orchard, Maine. Old Orchard, Maine? What a hick-burg that is. Oh, it's not such a small town. It isn't. Why, in Old Orchard, you can buy a sack of potatoes, a plug of tobacco, a brazier, and a dish of chow mein in the post office. Talk about a small town. I played there in Broadable once, and there were only eight people in the theater. That happened to you in Pittsburgh, too. It did not. And another thing, who'd go to Old Orchard a summer resort in the wintertime? Well, you should have heard Alan Wednesday night. He said he was going to go to Old Orchard. Old Orchard, a summer resort in the wintertime. Well, you should have heard Alan Wednesday night. He said there's more life in Old Orchard closed up than there is in Walt Keegan, wide open. Oh, yeah? Well, he ought to be in Walt Keegan on a Saturday night. Talk about excitement. Well, you can hardly cross the street without getting run over. Well, naturally. What does a stoplight mean to a horse? I'm talking about automobiles. Let me tell you something, Mary. That town is pretty busy. Yes? Yes, Mr. Sandwich. Yes, Andy Bay's ill-stay-ear-hay. And tell him I'm going to A-stay-ear-hay, too. And I have to pull that pig-lap now me, Miss Wellman. I've been around. Oh, Jack, will you please sit down? You make me nervous. All right. Pardon me, sir. Is this seat taken? No, I'll move my diebeat. Thank you. I notice you sitting here. Are you waiting for Mr. Sandwich, too? Yeah, I've been trying to see him for three days. I'm a writer. A writer, eh? Yeah, my name is Ernest Hemingway. Ernest Hemingway? Gee, Mary, this gentleman here is Ernest Hemingway. Not Ernest. Ernest. Ernest. Oh. Ernest Hemingway. Oh, Ernest Hemingway. Yeah, the Heming's in the middle. Oh, I see. Then you're not the famous author for whom the bell tolls. Oh, I ain't even got an alarm clock. Buddy, say, Mary, this guy looks like an ex-prize fighter or something, eh? Yeah, I'd hate to lose a dime in his ear. You said it. Good afternoon, Miss Wellman. Is Mr. Sandwich in his office, please? Go right in, Mr. Lopez. He's expecting you. Gracias. Hey, wait a minute, Miss Wellman. I was here before him. Who's this Lopez guy? Mr. Sandwich is taking rumble lessons. Rumble lessons? That's fine. He takes rumble lessons while I sit out here and wait. Who was Sandwich before he directed my pictures, anyway? Who was he? Yes. Why, Mark Sandwich directed some of the best pictures Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers ever made. That's so. Flying down a Rio top hat, follow the fleet, the gay divorce. You call those pictures? Did he direct Mr. Deed's ghost to town? Or Mr. Smith's ghost to Washington? No, but he's going to direct Mr. Benny's ghost to Old Orchard. No, no, he's not. Anyway, Mayor, I should think you'd be on my side in getting this premiere settled. Well, I don't want to go to Walkiegan and get caught in all that traffic. Oh, keep still, will you? Hey, buddy, who's the dame? Oh, pardon me. Mr. Hemingway, this is Miss Livingston. Pleased to meet you. The feeling is mutual. Mary, please, he's an author. Incidentally, what have you written lately, Mr. Hemingway? Did you say gone were the wind? Yes. Well, I wrote a sequel to it, back with a breeze. Well, is it any good? It didn't intrigue me. Oh, well, you're just modest. Uh, hello, Ms. W. Is MS tied up? No, go write in BG. Okay. Hey, who's BG? He's with RKO. Okay, MNX. What is this, anyway? For heaven's sake. Oh, Jack, here's a movie magazine. Read it and relax. Okay, give it to me. Fine move to look at a movie magazine. Hey, buddy, your face is familiar. Are you Jack Benny the new dog catcher of Beverly Hills? That's what this bag says. I just took off us last week. Oh, Jack, look at the magazine. Here's a picture of you dancing with Barbara Stan. Look at the coconut grove. Oh, yeah. Gee, what a blank expression on my face. You'd think I'd be smiling or something. That's a coconut. You're on the left. Oh, yeah. Yes, I am smiling. Well, I must put this in my scrapbook. Yes, sir. Oh, hello, Rochester. Say, boss, I think I ought to move the car over to the parking lot across the street. Leave it where it is. I'll be out in a little while. Yeah, but I've been parking the ten minutes over three hours. What's the difference? The policeman won't bother you. He won't, eh? No. This ticket he gave me ain't for the ballet roost. He gave you a ticket. Why didn't you talk him out of it? Why'd you tell him you just pulled in? He'd never believe that, boss. Why not? I was asleep in the back seat. You imagine that, Mary? Well, it's not his fault. It is, too. Rochester can sleep on his time off. Time off? Yes. Boss, you got me so used to working that last night when I was asleep, I picked all the cotton out of my quilt. Never mind. Now, go out and move that car across the street. Okay. You want me to put it in the 25 cent lot or the 15 cent lot? Well... What am I talking about? Hold on, boss. Always thinks he's so smart. Where he pays for that quilt he pulled apart. Hey, Miss Wellman, what about Sandridge? Am I going to see him or not? I've been waiting here all... Hello, Miss Wellman. Is your boss tied up? Go right in, Mr. Welch. He's expecting you. Thanks. Hey, wait a minute. How does that guy get in so quick? That's Mr. Welch. He's a salesman. Well, it's a fine thing when a salesman can get in ahead of me. What's going on here, anyway? I'll keep your shirt on. What did you say? Do you want me to slug her for you, buddy? No, but thanks. Just the same. Come on, Mary. We're going to Mr. LaBaron's office. I'll get this thing settled once and for all. All right, all right. I'll go with you, buddy. So long, Miss Wellman. Thanks for everything. Leave me. I'll tell Mr. LaBaron plenty about how Sandridge gave me the run-around. Now, let's see. Where's his office? Programs, programs. You can't tell LaBaron from Sandridge without a program. Oh, get away from me! Come on, Mary. Yes, Mr. LaBaron? Yes. Yes, he's still here. He's going to stay here, too. I've told him that, Mr. LaBaron, but he says he wants to settle it right now. Very well. Now, what did he say? Can I go in to see him? Not yet, Mr. Benny. He's in the midst of a very important meeting. Meeting conference. That's a lot of bologna. Now, see here, Mr. Nelson. I know what's going on. You can't pull a wool over my eyes. I wouldn't pull anything over them. They're beautiful. Now, wait a minute. Just because my eyes happen to be one of my best features, you don't have to give me that soft soap. I know what time it is. Oh, Jack, sit down, will you? All right, all right. Hey, look out for my baby! Oh, pardon me, Mr. Hemingway. Do you have to see Mr. LaBaron, too? Yeah, I want to show him a new story I wrote. It'll make a supoid picture. Oh, what's it about? Well, it's about two people that are thrown together by fate. Then through the intervention of circumstances, they are split up. But they still yawn for each other. Yawn? Yeah. And although there are moments of stark tragedy, there is a strong undercurrent of love and passion. Well, what's the title of your story? Desire like anything. Well, it really sounds like a great plot. You know, Jack, that would make a swell picture for you. It would? Yeah, I can see either you or Ronald Coleman in it. Yeah. Yeah, I guess Coleman can handle it, too. Although... But he'd never be as convincing as you. Huh, Jack? Well, I wouldn't say that, but he... He hasn't got near the class you have. Well, now that you mention it... I ought to punch you right in those big blue eyes! Mary. Oh, that'd be a shame! You stay out of this! Now, Mr. Hemingway... Yeah? The premise of your story is very good. But I'd like to suggest a few changes. For instance, at the beginning, when the couple are together, they... Hey, what's that marching going on out there? That's Cecil V. DeMille and his staff! Oh. Well, they keep step perfectly. What was I going to say, Mr. Hemingway? A story like yours should have more... Hello, Nelson. Is Mr. LeBaron tied up? Well, go right in, Mr. Welch. He's waiting for you. Thanks. Hey, wait a minute. How does that guy always get in ahead of me? Well, that's Mr. Welch. I know, but who's Welch? He sells Christmas cards. Well, that tops everything. So mad I can't see straight. Oh, Jack, don't be so jealous. He probably buys cards from him every year. I don't care about losing a sale. I want to get this premiere sale. Well, settle it later. I'll settle it right now. Now, look, Mr. Nelson. This is a very important matter to me. And if you think I'm going to sit around in the one office and then another... Hello, Jack. Here comes the mill again. Oh, nuts! I'm always marching. I suppose a guy with flat feet couldn't work for him. Well, as long as I have to sit here, we might as well eat lunch. Open the box, Mary. I'm going to hunch that I'd be tied up here all day. What do you have, Jack? Let's see. Mary, don't squeeze those sandwiches. The peanut butter is coming out. Oh, you and your darned peanut butter. Don't you ever have meat in the house? There's some pressed ham there. Look under the bagels. Now, give me one of those hard-boiled eggs. Say, those sandwiches there look good. Oh, pardon me. Would you care for something, Mr. Hemingway? Call me, Ernest. We're going to be together for a long time. Yeah, it sure looks like it. Now, see if there's any salt in there, will ya? Hey, blue eyes. Will you please throw those egg shells in the basket? All right. You should stop calling me blue eyes. Makes me so self-conscious. I'm sorry I've got them. Yeah, I wish we had some coffee. Hey, Oinus, do you want a hard-boiled egg? Yeah, I have one. Thanks. Say, boss. What is it, Rochester? I'm still waiting for ya. Won't be long now. Did you put the car in the parking lot? Yes, sir. You'd have done it in the first place. You'd never have gotten a ticket. By the way, boss, getting to that parking lot involves a left-hand turn in the middle of the block. Well... And you know that great, big sign there says, no, you turn. Uh-huh. Well, I made a big aid and got you more tickets. That's the last straw. Rochester, you go right back and tell that policeman who you are. Tell him you're working for Jack Benny, the movie star. I told him that. He threw his book at me. Now go sit in the car and wait for me. Okay. I get into more trouble. Let's see what else is there to eat here. Hey, buddy, whatcha got for dessert? Here it is right here. Jello. Oh, yeah. That has them six delicious flavors. This strawberry, what a raspberry, what a cherry, what a... With a lemon, with a lime. That's it. It's very tempting. You don't have to tell me. My mother makes it all the time. Well, I'm glad to hear it. See, Mary, this is sort of a picnic here, isn't it? Oh, hello, Miss Martin. Hello, Frank. Is Mr. LaBaron busy? Yes, but I'll tell him you're here partly. Say, Jack, get a load of that cute kid that just came in. Huh? Hey, that's Mary Martin, the leading lady in my picture. Darn this three-decker sandwich, I can't see a thing over it. Gosh, isn't she pretty? Oh, every girl is pretty to you. Now, Mary, don't be catty. Hello, Miss Martin. Oh, hello, Jack, dear. How are you? Gee, it's good to see you again, darling. Dear darling, you actors make me sick. Now, stop. Mary, this is Mary Martin. Hello, honey. How long have you been a blonde? Mary. Mary Livingston and Mary Martin. We both have the same first name, haven't we? What do you want me to do? Change mine a butch? Mary, behave yourself. My heart belongs to Daddy. I'm sick of that, too. Now, cut that out. You know, Miss Martin, Mary is always jealous of my leading ladies, you know? I can't understand why our relationship has been strictly business. Well, it might have been with you, but some of those love scenes we did in the picture were a bit on the torrid side. I'll bet you won't forget my kisses for a long time. Hey, Miss Martin? Loud, weren't they? Oh, now, Miss Martin. All of a sudden, I like her. Mary, please. Hey, buddy, who's the dame? Oh, pardon me, Oinus. Miss Martin, this is Mr. Hemingway. I'm very glad to know you. Oh, boy, if you only meant that. Oinus! Say, Miss Martin, you know, I'm the new dog catcher in Beverly Hills. I was elected last week. Well, congratulations. I can't wait till I get home and tell Rover. Rover better have a license. I don't play favorites, you know? Mr. LaBaron, I'll see you now, Miss Martin. Oh, thank you. Well, I've got to go in now, Jack, and sing one of the numbers from our picture for Mr. LaBaron. He hasn't heard it yet. Oh, well, say, I'll go in with you. I've got to see Mr. LaBaron anyway. Just a moment, Mr. Benny. He wants you to wait until Miss Martin is through. Well, now, wait a minute. She sings that song to me in the picture. There's no reason why I can't go in with her. Oh, Jack, sit down. I won't sit down. Now, this way, Miss Martin. So long, Jack. See you later. Goodbye. I mean, goodbye, dear. Now, listen, Nelson. This whole thing is your fault. I bet you didn't even tell Mr. LaBaron I was waiting. Oh, go chase a dog. That's only in Beverly Hills. I can't see Sandra. And now it's LaBaron. Well, I'm going over to see Mr. Freeman, the head of the studio. That's why I'm going to see Mr. Freeman. Come on, Mary. All right, all right. Wait a minute, buddy. I'll go with you. It's the most embarrassing thing I ever heard. I'll tell you what the feeling about it. Great is your path, and firm is your step. And then at the north bank, it's July the 4th. Isn't that just life? Isn't it odd to walk off to a dream and say, Don't I know you? Weird to hear miracles talk and say, Clear is your mind, and strong is your will. A mountain is simpler to shout. Boom goes your apple cart. Isn't that just like love? Isn't it odd to walk off to a dream and say, Don't I know you? Weird to hear miracles talk and say, Well, how do you do? Clear is your mind, and strong is your will. A mountain is simpler to shout. Well, Miss Brecker, how long will I have to wait? Just a few minutes. Sit down, kid. You know, I won't have any trouble getting in to see Mr. Freeman. He's a southern gentleman. Why don't you stick some mitt in your ear and go in as a julep? Oh, don't be funny. Say, buddy, you want a little snort while we're waiting? Oinus, put that bottle away. Here, give it to me. I'll throw it out the window. Don't do that. You'll blow the joint up. Oh, my goodness. What is that stuff anyway? Hello, Miss Brecker. Here's that film Mr. Freeman wanted. Thank you. Oh, Mary, there's the cameraman to photograph me in most of my pictures. Hello, Teddy. What's the matter with that guy? He always does that when he sees me. Hey, Miss Brecker, I don't want to seem impatient, but I really got to get out of here. Would you please check with Mr. Freeman again? Very well. Oh, Mr. Freeman, that Northerner is still here. Northerner? Well, Keegan is just over the line. What's the matter with her? Yes, Mr. Freeman, I'll tell him. Well? Mr. Freeman said he'd be with you in a few minutes. A few minutes? A few minutes. Don't you start pulling that stuff? Well, don't you get tough with me. I'm big enough to throw you right out of here. Oh, yeah? Yeah. All right. I wish you'd turn around. I'd like to run a whole movie on your back. That's all I can do now is sit here and wait. Hey, Onus. What? What do you have to see Mr. Freeman about? It's that love story I wrote. I want to try and sell it. Oh. Did you like it, Toch? Yeah, it was swell. Jack, what are you doing with that electric razor? I'm shaving. What do you think I'm doing? Mr. Benny, there'll be no shaving in this building. Oh, no. Well, my whiskers grew in this building, and I'm going to whack them off him. All right. You think I was using up $1,000 worth of electricity? Oh, hello, Colonel Beaumont. Hello, honey child. I wonder if I could see Mr. Freeman. You sure can. Go ride him, Colonel. Thank you, ma'am. Hmm. Hmm. Well, that's the way. Say, honey child, I'm Papa. You were asked to see Mr. Freeman off health. Shut up. Well, Colonel got in that way. There was something southern about me. I got to see Freeman. Why don't you show your Confederate money? I gave it all to Dennis the first year he worked for me. Now, look, Miss Brecker. I'm going to wait just five more minutes. And if I don't get in there. Hello, Miss Brecker. Go ride in, Mr. Welsh. Mr. Welsh, he sells Christmas cars. Well, it's almost Christmas, isn't it? You're darn right it isn't. I don't want to hang up my stocking here. Now, this is going just far enough. What are you talking about? I'll tell you what I'm talking about. I don't mind waiting in Mr. Sandwich's office for three hours. And I don't mind getting the run around for Mr. LeBaron. But when a salesman can walk in here and see the head of the studio without any appointment. Can I speak to you a minute, boss? I'll see you later, Rochester. Well, I've been sitting here. You know those three tickets I got? Well, I've been sitting here. Well, one more ain't gonna kill us, is it? What? See you later, boss. Now, listen here, Miss Brecker. I'm a pretty big star whether you know it or not. And I won't stand being kicked around. I had to eat my lunch here. I even had a shave here. Your bath is ready, Jack. Now, cut that off. Miss Brecker, I'll give you just two seconds to press that buzzer and call Mr. Freeman. Here comes the bill again. Who cares? Now, that's final, Miss Brecker. Do I get him there or not? Oh my goodness, what's that for? They play Dixie every time. He's going home. Come on, Mary. Okay. I'll go with you, buddy. Come on, Oymus. I'm going to oversee Barney Dean. Barney Dean? Okay. Only the janitor, but he'll speak to me. Around the football stadiums, these crisp autumn afternoons. Hey, Mary, you know what? What? I should have asked Mary Martin to take my side about the premiere being held in Waukegan. Well, what good would that do? What good would it do? Can't you see there'd be two of us for Waukegan and Alan wouldn't stand a chance? See, I wonder where I can find her. Well, she's on the Maxwell House program Thursday night. Why don't you go over there and speak to her? Yeah, that's a good idea. I'll do that. I'll go with you, buddy. Thanks, Oymus. Good night, folks. Ladies and gentlemen, today more than ever, America needs the Red Cross.