 So there's this misconception out there that there's no good men out there and all men are commitment phobic. And I'm just getting tired and tired and tired of hearing that rhetoric from women. And by the way, I'm getting tired of hearing from the same thing from men, complaining that there's no good people out there or the city you live in, there's no good people out there or there's just nobody that wants to be in relationship that everybody's looking for a hookup and most people are gonna ghost you and disappear. Everybody is gonna ghost you and disappear. And I wanna say that that's bunk. I mean, it is bunk. Now, in reality though, most human beings are rather dysfunctional as in when it comes to their relationship skills and their emotional maturity. So I can understand why many of you feel like there's no good men out there that all men are commitment phobic. I get it. And it is important to address this. I don't wanna minimize this. And even though we're gonna be talking and knowing that about the secret thoughts a guy has when he's into you, the reason why I'm sharing this content today is because there are really good men out there that genuinely want to be in a relationship. The challenge is sifting through the weeds to find the, I was gonna say flower, but flower represents more of a feminine type of thing. So you're sifting through the weeds to find the tree, to find that strong sturdy tree out there. And part of the problem is you ladies yourselves because as much as men are delusional and I'm gonna say this, men are rather delusional. And what I mean by delusional, human beings are delusional in the fact that they overrate themselves on what they can actually attract into their lives. They overrate themselves. In other words, typically men want that, I'm not saying all men, but it is traditionally, this is the case, men want that young, hard, hot body and women want that financially successful, gorgeous, attractive man. And I know many of you say, no, I don't want that. No, I don't want that. But the reality is is I highly doubt many of you would date men who live in their basement with their parents or with a parent, okay? And you're probably thinking, well, how could a 45, 50 year old man believe me that happens frequently more often than not, especially after the pandemic and a lot of the financial distress we've dealt with in the last 20 to 30 years. So I'm here to say that we're coming back to the fact that yes, we are experiencing a lot of dysfunctionality within human beings themselves. Ladies, you are just as equally as dysfunctional as men. And just because you may have a propensity to want commitment, maybe more so than men, pointing the finger at men is not going to help you attract those men who genuinely want to be in a healthy, happy relationship. And if you follow my work, and I'm gonna go into a little bit more detail today about something I've talked about. But if you've been following my work, you know about the three types of people who are actively dating today. And I wanna show you this chart. And you can see right up here, it says users, spenders and growers. And roughly 20, by the way, this is not a fact. This is merely an opinion. Roughly about 20% are users, 20% are growers and builders. Most everyone's a spender. Now users are those people in it for short-term game. Those are the guys who love bomb. Those are the players. Those are the women who are gold diggers. Those are women who are entitled. Actually gold diggers entitled might be in it for a longer game, but they only care about themselves. Those are the users. And the growers and builders, they seek long-term commitment. They're emotionally grown up and with good relationship skills, and they have their act together. And the challenge with the spenders, and as you can see, the arrows are going either direction. The spenders, they seek connection. They seek companionship. They seek coupling and or sex, but they have no real direction. They're uncertain. They're fearful. Usually they have a dysfunctional life, and that's what I wanna talk about today. What I mean by dysfunctional life is their emotional maturity, their level of emotional maturity, and they oftentimes lack relationship, good relationship skills. And by the way, this isn't just men. This is women as well. These numbers are 20% are users are women, 60% of women are spenders, and 20% are growers and builders. And the delusion I was talking about earlier is everybody thinks they're the grower and the builder. Everybody thinks they're good at relationship skills. And do you know why I know this? Why is it that 50% of divorces end up in, or excuse me, marriages end up in divorce. Second marriage is that 65%, and third marriage is it's 75%. There's gotta be a reason why this happens. Usually, and I don't care what age a person is, it's because there's a level of dysfunctionality. Now you might be thinking, well, Jonathan, this is just too much work. I can't deal with this. Well, it starts by doing the inner work. It starts by healing yourself. If you're not familiar with the book, I talk about this frequently, the Hoffman process, the Hoffman process. By the way, there's a link to get all the books I recommend. The Hoffman process is a deep dive into healing childhood wounds and traumas, and adult traumas that cause the negative patterns and beliefs in your life that cause you to choose the wrong person. And I don't care how much you think you have your act together, everybody needs a level of healing. In fact, and this is why it's important to also seek out men who are doing the work. By the way, I will tell you this. I have a client who I've worked with for gosh, going on four years now. They're finally, excuse me, three years. They're finally moving in together. And this was a man she met in his mid 50s when she was mid 50s, he's mid 50s. By the way, both 55 when they met, I think they're only a few months apart. So this whole thing, men want younger. I mean, you know, they're the same age. He had been going to a therapist for years, not because he needed anything special. He wanted somebody to talk to on a regular basis. There are men out there that do the work. There are men out there that want significant relationship. There are men out there that want to be with you. The real trick is learning how to find them. That's where my coaching comes in. You know, my area of expertise as a coach is teach you how to ask the questions based on your personality to determine if a person is right for you. By the way, there's a link below to schedule a call with me because that's how I can help you as a coach. And I can also help you if you're with the wrong guy right now. Okay, so most importantly, coming back to those spenders, the big, the reason why I want to spend a minute or two extra on the spenders is the spenders are the men who want companions, or people who want companionship, connection, and sex. But maybe they don't have their act together. Maybe they're going through a difficult divorce. Maybe they were going through a breakup. Maybe they've got health issues. Maybe they've got a contentious ex. Maybe they've got issues with their children. There's a level of drama going on in their life. And when someone has drama in their life, the ground underneath them doesn't feel solid to actually lean into a healthy, happy relationship. So this is all predicated on your ability to choose better. But some of you might be going, Jonathan, it's so hard to meet people. Listen, folks, I hate to break it to you. But as a matter of fact, I talked to a woman today. I go, how easily do you meet men? She goes, oh, I eat them, meet them very easily. I go, really? When was the last time you had a first date? She goes, a year ago. I'm like, you said you meet men easily, but it's been a year since you've had a first date. Well, yeah, I have to go outside of the house to meet people. I'm like, yeah, you gotta fucking go outside. Listen, if you're not on the dating apps, if you're not on the dating apps, and by the way, the dating apps are a shit show. There's no doubt about it. But if you're not on the dating apps, then it requires to get out of the house to be seen by single eligible people. And you can, this is where the delusion is. Well, if I just sit at home and I sit at home and I sit at home and I sit at home, the Prince Charming is just gonna magically come in and give me the glass slipper. Like what fucking fantasy are human beings living in? And by the way, I'm talking about men and women alike. By the way, guys are just as delusional in what amazes me here in the United States. We have roughly a 55 million, there's 55 million people who are single. Think about that, 55 million people are single. And then they're bitching and complaining that can't meet people, because it requires getting the fuck out of the house to meet somebody. And if you're gonna make the effort, then you better be prepared. That's why I recommend reading books like my book called What the Heck Is Self Love Anyway? A Journey of Personal Development, Self-Alfit Spiritual Work, by the way, a link below to get my book. This is a book to help prepare you so you can be better at picking people, but also because you're aligned in your sovereignty, your self-worth, your self-esteem and your self-confidence. Okay, here's the bottom line. You put yourself out there and you've got a date. Yay, you've got a date. And he asked you out on a second date and he asked you out on a third date. And now you might be wondering, what is he thinking? And how can I tell if he genuinely wants a relationship with me? Well, let's talk about those seven secret thoughts a man has when he's into you. And these are things men don't share. But I can tell you, I have a dear friend who's, listen, this past weekend I was speaking to him, he's my age, he's in his mid-50s and he was sharing with me, he would consider getting remarried. So this delusion that men don't want it, they do want it when they're with the right person. And we were talking about, I was asking him a few questions, what he thought of in the beginning. And he even shared some of the things that I'm sharing today, but this is what I've outlined in previous videos and I'm going to share this again. So one way to know a man genuinely is into you is he gives you eye contact, he gives you eye contact. People who are not into you or lose interest stop looking you directly in the eye, directly in the eye. You kind of do this. In fact, I once went on a first date with a woman and I swear to God, this is the way where she was talking to me. So she's right there, but we'll pretend this is me and this is her. She was like, hi, Jonathan, how are you doing? I hope you're having a good day. Did you have a good day? I hope you had a good day. I mean, literally she gave me no eye contact. It fucking drove me nuts. And by the way, she talked to the person next to her, direct eye contact. So when a guy gives you direct eye contact, that's a good sign. Number two, either wants to be friends with you on social media or follow you on social media. And I know this is a bit corny, but guys, at least these are for the guys who are into social media. Not everybody's into social media. I'm into social media. So this one is one of my own that when I like someone, I wanna follow them on social media. I wanna look at their past posts and get a sense of their lifestyle. So that's a good sign a guy might be into you. Number three, this is probably the most important one. He wants to be your boyfriend. He thinks about it ahead before he asks. He's intentional. That's what's going on in his head. He goes, I met someone special and I want her to be my girlfriend. Men want to stake a claim with the people that they like. So men definitely, and I'm gonna talk about this in the next one, they're territorial. So when they like someone, they want you to be their girlfriend. They wanna be your boyfriend. The problem is, again, those dysfunctional men who don't have the ground underneath them solid, they want your companionship, they want your connection, they want your sex, but they don't want anything solid. This is, by the way, the easiest way to avoid the spenders and spenders mean they just spend time with you. The easiest way to avoid it is find out how fucked up is his life? And I use the word, I say fucked up because I could say how well-adjusted is life, but the fact is, is most humans are rather fucked up. It's just a matter of degrees. So the fourth thing, and I talked about this a second ago, he gets a little bit territorial. He gets a little jealous if you're talking to guys. I get that way. I mean, I can get a little jealous or maybe a little envious. I mean, I'm certainly, my philosophy is when I remember I dated this drop dead gorgeous woman and lots of men would talk to her. And my feeling was, well, I'm the one going home to having sex with her. So I felt good about myself, but I still was feeling a little jealous. It's very natural because as I said earlier, men can be territorial. Number five, he's thinking, can she fit into my life and vice versa? And this starts on the very first date. This is why a lot of guys do love bomb. It's because they're futurizing because they're trying to determine if you could fit into their life. So that's not an uncommon thing. The love bombing is just the overboard version of it and it's usually driven by the sexual piece. So that's how you differentiate love bombing because love bombing is lust and limerence. Combined, seeking sex versus, you know, what my friend Allison Armstrong called cut and paste. But guys like me, we'll futurize. I call it futurizing. We try it on for size. We're trying to figure out, can she fit into my life? And we may say it out loud. We may say it out loud. Number six, he'll make an effort for you. He'll make an effort for you, even if he's the alpha type of guy and the alpha guy is supposed to be chill, I don't give her the time of day. I'm gonna nag her, I'm gonna treat her like shit. Listen, even an alpha guy who really likes you, he will make consistent, consistent effort. Because he genuinely cares about you. He's into you. And number seven, this is one from my own playbook. So when I really like someone, so when I really like someone, I mean, this is what's going on. I gotta clean my place. I gotta clean my place. And I have to make sure the toilet seat is down. Let me repeat that. I've gotta clean my place and make, that's, I mean, when I like someone, this place is spick and span. Because when I'm living on my own, I'm not necessarily perfectly clean. But when I have someone I'm into, I keep the place clean. And I always make sure that the toilet seat is, excuse me, down versus I said up, but I'm gonna say down. That's a sign and he's thinking about it. That's a true sign he's into you when that toilet seat is down. And by the way, I've made a mistake and once the two in the morning girl I was in a relationship with fell in. Oh, I felt so terrible. I could hear her. Cause I got up in the middle of the night to go take a leak and just totally Jonesed. Okay. So these are the seven secret thoughts a guy thinks about when he's into you, you may not know this out loud, but his actions would certainly demonstrate this. And as I said before, while there are a lot of users and time wasters out there, there are a lot of good men. There are a lot of good men. And this is why I want you to be intentional in the dating process. And before that penis ever gets to go inside the vagina, read chapter one of the book, eight dates, read it together. So you can read this book so you can get the mechanics to a healthy, happy relationship. This will fucking change your life by this book. By all the books I recommend because the reality is, as ladies, you all think a lot of you think you're so good at this, you're not, you're terrible at it. And then you wonder what's the definition of insanity? Doing the same things over and over again, expecting different results. This is why I scream at the top of my lungs to recommend a better way to do it. So my hope is you're finding value. Did this resonate with you? If you did hit that like button, please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel. I'd really appreciate it. Check out the links below to all the different offers I have. All right, we're gonna do a short Q&A right now. So if you have a question for me, write the word question and post the question thereafter or purchase a Super Sticker Super Chat. All the monies from the Super Sticker Super Chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son, Connor Asley. That's my son who passed away. That's a picture of him there and there. I love this one. And that's him right there with his brother. I love that one. And all the monies, there's a little dollar sign there. Or you can hit the super thanks and all the monies go to a scholarship fund to defray the cost of personal development. Also donate to the Hoffman process inside seminars just to name a few. So we've already given away a couple thousand dollars from all the Super Stickers. So we're time to take questions. And again, if you're listening to the audio portion of the replay, you won't be able to see any of this. Okay, I saw a question come in. Nicole writes, question. A man should know they want to marry you within four months of dating, right? No fucking way is that right? No. And by the way, anyone who knows that soon is probably an idiot. By the way, I just was talking to a therapist who said that during COVID, a lot of men to save money have been shacking up with the women or having women shack up with them. I'm using the word shacking up but move in together. And they're finding out that they're in dysfunctional relationships. She said 70% of her practice is men. Now, I'd say within four months he knows if you're a viable candidate it begins to start to, if he wants to get married only if he wants to get remarried. If he doesn't want to get remarried that may take a lot longer. So for those men who are growers and builders yeah, we would know within, I would say six months to a year. Six months to a year is a good timeline for a guy to know is this woman long-term commitment material or not? So, but it's rarely is it ever four months? And if it is, there are probably guys who have only been married, never been married before. All right. Denise says, let's do a singles retreat. I'm in all in favor of that. All right, let's go swimming. Do you have a question for me? All right, looks like we have a bashful group. Oh, Dale writes, okay, question. Aren't some of the most dysfunctional peeps some of the, wait, let me read a bit. Aren't some of the most dysfunctional peeps some of the most well-adjusted? This is dysfunctional society, right? Well, here's the thing. Spent, okay, remember I said spend the dysfunctional people, the spenders, okay? Typically they don't, the ones who aren't able to be in a fully committed relationship are usually when the ground underneath them isn't solid. Now, if the ground is underneath them isn't solid then you have to determine how emotionally mature is this person to be in relationship? And if you're not familiar with my emotional maturity relationship skills chart, I want you to see this is not a fact, it's an opinion. Roughly 20% of the population has clinical issues. I'm talking about borderline. I'm talking about narcissism. I'm talking about drug abuse or addictions and whatnot. Okay, and while I say 20% are healthy I'm being rather generous. Most humans have dysfunctional relationship skills. This is human beings, not women or men. This isn't men, this is human beings. This is why, it's funny, I talked about this recently. I saw a commercial where these three young women are talking and they're asking about this woman's date she had and she goes, oh my God, the guy checked all the boxes. He was tall, dark, handsome, good job, good relationship with his parents, blah, blah, blah. And she says, why aren't you interstituting again? She goes, when I asked him about therapy, he goes, what's that? I thought that was kind of a funny commercial. But ultimately, the point she's trying to make is if you want to grow as a human being then it's important to invest in personal development, self-help or spiritual work to be able to build the roots to trust most likely for a long-term loving relationship. So anyway, coming back to your question, yes, could they be well adjusted? Most often in midlife, they've got some level of chaos, some level of chaos, an angry ex-spouse, issues going on at work, health issues, maybe child issues, there's usually something going on. That's their escape clause because they can have all the sex with you and go, oh, I'm dealing with an ex, I gotta take a break from this relationship. Be careful of those exit clauses, Dale. Hope that helps. One day, I don't know how to pronounce your name, question. Dating a guy for four months, he's great in every way but recently freaked out when he was referred to me as boyfriend, is that a red flag? Well, does his penis get to go inside your vagina on a regular basis because if his penis goes inside, if you're fucking each other and you're not calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend, you've got a huge problem. Folks, if you're not familiar with my relatively new dating vow, I want you to understand something, folks. There's an old saying, women are the gatekeepers of sex and men are the gatekeepers of commitment. Calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend is a level of commitment. So I have something called the dating vow and it goes like this, you both recite this to each other, you both recite this to each other and it goes like this. I agree to explore the process of getting to know you with the intent to declare something serious in the next three to six months, you each say this. I agree to be monogamous sexually while we have regular sex together. I agree to not actively seek to meet others while we're in the dating process including taking my dating profile down and also calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend. I agree to speak up if this isn't working for me versus pulling back, ghosting or disappearing. And lastly, I agree to invest regular time together in the process of getting to know you which looks like calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend. We see each other doing social activities, hobbies, mutual interest, spending time with family and friends. Now ladies, 90% of guys will bail on this but let me tell you, they're usually the users or the spenders that are bailing or the emotionally dysfunctional people or the ones who have clinical issues. So does it really matter that you lost the wrong guy? Don't you wanna set some standard for yourself? I'm gonna share with you. If you guys are having sex and you're not boyfriend and girlfriend, there's a big problem. Now if you're not having sex, then it's not a red flag. Sounds like you guys have a casual relationship or just hanging, sounds like you're just friends. You're both in the friend zone if you're not having sex but that's just my opinion on it. I hope that helps. Jennifer says, do you think age difference matter in dating and marriages? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. I know I have a friend who's 22 years younger than his wife. She's 72, he's fit, no. Yeah, she's 72, he's 54. So maybe 18 year different, excuse me. I know I have a friend who's in his late fifties and he's in a relationship about to marry a woman who's in her half his age. So no, I think anything is possible. Hope that helps. All right, Kimberly writes, what kind of date should be an ideal type of date for you? What do you do on your first dates? My typical first, if you're asking me personally, my typical first date is go out for drinks. Go out for drinks, that's usually it. I like to go for a walk sometimes but I love where I live. There's a beautiful marina and having drinks there is a great way to connect. Sometimes it's a coffee date. Sometimes I don't like to do anything fancy until we've felt like we've gone out a couple of times. So that's usually my MO. Thank you for asking, Kimberly. Michelle says, how do you see through the love bombing and sincerity? How do you see through it? Versus, if it's, well, first off, love bombing is just typically a person's drive to get you in their pants. It's, listen, a well-adjusted person doesn't, might get excited but they don't go over the top and ultimately you have to learn to trust your intuition. Your intuition is speaking to you frequently. If it feels off, it usually is. The problem is many women are just as narcissistic as men and you're needing validation. I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself. I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself. I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself and I'm getting all this love bombing that's so wonderful because I'm getting all this special attention, I feel so special all of a sudden. And then he's gone. When you feel good about yourself, you don't need love bombing and you'll actually be detested by love bombing. That's just my, that's my perception anyway. Take it for what it's worth. All right, thank you, Michelle. Have you ever read John Bradshaw in The Family? No, I have not, thank you, Dale. Suzanne writes, why is a guy that's so agreeable and wants a long-term relationship, respectful wants to jump start into me. He doesn't appeal sexually to me. Am I superficially distrustful or too fussy? Yes. You know, I can't speak for you. I can't speak for this. It's, I do believe our egoic side. Well, you know why? I'm gonna tell you why. He doesn't represent something familiar to us. By the way, most humans choose dysfunctional relationship because they're trying to heal a childhood wound from their parents. So I highly recommend reading this book, Suzanne, Getting the Love You Want by Harvelle Hendricks and Helen Hunt. So I want you to specifically pay attention to the Amago. So pages, I want you to read pages 33 through 42, page 68, page 153 and 156. If you read this book, there's a link below, you'll understand why you're not choosing a great guy. It's because you most likely need a dysfunctional man because you haven't healed within yourself most likely. Read this book, change your life. Everybody read this book, change your life. All right, this is gonna be our last question for the evening. Oops, let's go here. Merita says, Jonathan, I find sexual innuendos during first dates off-putting and not classy. The word porn should not be part of a first date conversation. Am I overreacting? What's your take? No, you're not overreacting. I can respect that that doesn't feel good for you. I sometimes throw out sexual innuendos because I'm testing a woman's boundaries, but it has to be that I feel that they have a playful side and they're gonna go with me. So I wouldn't do it with someone I wasn't gonna go along with it. But for the most part, if that's not your personality and they say that, probably a red flag means ask more questions. And a red flag might simply mean you want to slow down the process and ask yourself, really ladies, I want you to ask yourself after a first date, is this person worth seeing again? That's simply the only question you ask yourself. Is this person, let me reframe that. Do I want to see this person again? And then go from there. And then the next date, do I want to see this person again? And the next date, do I want to see this person again? Make it very simple on yourself. So I'm gonna share a prayer with you so we can invite love into our lives so we can invite that man who has these seven secret thoughts and that prayer is simply this. God, universe, spirit. I invite love into my life. I invite healing into my life. I invite joy, abundance and happiness in my life. And I invite in a partner and I am gonna allow that partner in my life, somewhere where we have amazing chemistry together where we can't rip each other's clothes off. And we have a great level of communication where we're with each other and we can go banter for hours and hours on end. And our lifestyles are compatible with one another. And we have mutual emotional maturity with one another and we will build the deep roots of trust doing social activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends, traveling together, teamwork, building skills both in our personal professional life that leads to us either moving into getting married together. I invite this into my life, God, universe, spirit. And that's my invitation for all of you to invite that into your life. Are you in agreement with that? Give me an amen. Listen, we're gonna do a short live stream today, a short Q and A. Please purchase a super sticker, super chat before you wrap up just to show me that this mattered to you. This resonated with you. Also, you can purchase a super thanks if you're watching the replay. All right, we're gonna wrap up today as I always do. First off, give myself a big, gigantic Jonathan Barrack of self love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm asking you to turn to someone, a pet, a teddy bear pillow and give Iter them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. I wanna thank Michelle and Susan and Christie and Joan and ABD and Kimberly and Warrior Banners and Grace and Maria and Marita, Laura, Nicole, Hailey, Lucy and Marie, Laura, Mr. C. Everyone, thank you so much. Wishing you a fab evening. Bye now. Hey, other.