 I'm so excited to be doing this live stream for you today our topic why men go silent wait now what's the title why men go silent rather than speak up I can't believe I forgot it really quickly if you're brand new to my youtube channel please hit the subscribe button hit the bell so you could be notified of new videos and if anytime during this video the content resonates with you please hit that like button so I can be seen in the youtube algorithms really quickly my coaching is what I call heart centered radical honesty it's direct a little tough love and a lot of heart and occasionally I use expletives to enhance a sentence so if an f-bomb or two isn't your cup of tea I suggest logging off right now lastly these are my thoughts my perceptions my opinions by no means do I suggest this is the truth I'm a bit of a contrarian so my advice goes contrary to public opinion and traditional expectations so all I ask is you give it a chance and then make up your minds for yourself okay let's talk about why men go silent rather than speak up so since my audience is predominantly those in the early stages of dating and relationships and what I mean is they're they're in the dating process or the early stages of relationship I'm here to acknowledge that the dating process today is rather dysfunctional it's incredibly dysfunctional and because I don't believe humans were designed to experience mating with these devices I really don't believe we were designed this way I mean think about this for thousands hundreds of thousands of years mating was based on proximity meaning we met people that were right in our purview right in our visual acuity or at least we're in our tribe our village our town or even the workplace so now what's happened is we are meeting total strangers and we know so little about them that it makes it very difficult for people to feel a level of trust with each other and now with this going back to the dating apps or just the you know I was trying to send a text message earlier today and I had some complex thoughts in my head and I'm like how do I how do I send this complex thought with my thumbs and so I actually use voice recording but think about this from a communication standpoint given that 80 90 percent of communication is non-verbal we humans weren't designed to communicate with our thumbs in a way that think about this even before smartphones 10 years ago at least we typed and I used to be able to type you know quite a bit 50 and plus I mean well probably I could only type 30 or 40 words a minute some people could type 100 plus words a minute and they could communicate their thoughts and feelings in a much more rapid pace and while I see millennials go at it with their thumbs like this we weren't designed to communicate this way and coming back to what I shared earlier about meeting total strangers we don't feel a level of trust so you know when you think about speaking up you know it requires a level of trust with another person and yet these days most people are rushing into a relationship so fast that they haven't even built the roots to trust to actually feel safe enough to communicate and then add these devices and to add to this equation the expectation of instantaneous communication instantaneous communication I know when I got married which was I mean by the way I'm divorced but when I got married which I believed was 30 years ago this year you know I mean I might talk to my wife in the morning and when I came home there was barely any communication in between the day and now in relationships there's this expectation of incessant communication and I know for men that can be a rather challenging now many of you might have heard someone like John Gray said the reason why men go silent is when their testosterone levels are down whether it's after sex after a workout after a stressful day that they don't want to talk okay now that's certainly partly what happens I mean that's kind of what happens I'm actually going to go deeper than the surface so that's the that's the top you know when you're when you see an iceberg there's the tip right that's the tip the testosterone piece what we're going to talk about is below the surface why a man might go silent rather than speak up and I think when you understand this when you understand something you can predict behavior and when you can predict behavior you can make better choices and let me just say this because I am so against the feminine energy rhetoric that you just lean back when the guy goes silent and just go live your life do you know how hard it is to actually stop caring for someone and go live your life do you know when you've invested your heart to another human being to just be told cavalier Lee would just go live your life and he may or may not come back and that's okay to me that's bullshit if someone goes silent on you then my first reaction is create can get on the fucking horn and go what the hell is going on in your life now not in a combative way I'm I'm suggesting I'm saying it to you in this rhetoric but I'm not suggesting you go prove at it I'm saying ask what's going on you can simply say hey I've noticed you know you've gone silent are you okay can you let me know you're okay at least make some effort rather than what you've been told is go live your life and he's going to watch you so excited on your life because he's following you on instagram that he's going to naturally gravitate towards you from my perspective that's bullshit this is one of the reasons why I beg on feminine energy coaching because it's it's it's designed to put you in princess mode it's designed to put you in in a passive or subordinate role and I'm trying to encourage a more empowered role in your life so let's explore some of the reasons why a man might go silent rather than speak up so I'm going to put on my trusty glasses and I'm going to take out my notes and I can see people are already agreeing with me so one of the things I've noticed in the dating realm today is the and in fact I did a poll on this but I believe a lot of people are dating are are connecting with people because they're feeling a level of loneliness and a level of depression a level of loneliness and depression and certainly this was certainly heightened during the the beginning phases of covid or at least that first year of covid here in the united states being shut down and they were shut down all over the world but there was a level of loneliness and depression so this caused a lot of people to bombard these devices to bombard bumble and tinder and and hinge and and all the different websites so they can feel a connection with another human being and I believe it was for it was actually a form of self medication self medication in fact I can say that for myself even after my divorce which was 15 years ago you know I started online dating as a way to self medicate because I was feeling so miserable through you know because the tapestry of my life just fell apart and I needed some sense of connection with another human being and I noticed this is true of men and women as well that the vast majority by the way I heard recently and don't quote me on this but in 1950 the roughly 22 percent of the population was single here in the united states and as of three years ago that number was closer to 55 percent of the population single now I'm assuming when they say single there could be people in relationships but they're not married but think about that there is a huge percentage of people are single and these dating apps do you know these dating apps are designed to keep you on the apps I watched I watched a documentary about this not the Tinder swindler another documentary about how the algorithm looks at who you swipe to send you people like what you like so but some of these people aren't even on the dating site so can you see how traumatized human beings can be men and women alike and so they're feeling a level of loneliness and depression and then even the dating process can heighten this even more so to make us feel not good enough not lovable and not likable so you know sure we can blame it on someone's testosterone levels go down but let's look at the more important layers below what's really causing someone to go silent and not speak up so loneliness and depression is number one number two a significant percentage of the population is only dating from a place of spending time with someone and not growing with someone let me repeat that spending time with someone and not growing so with someone and that's a big thing that we that's a we have to distinguish this because this is really important a significant number of people men and women alike are seeking a little bit of companionship a little bit of connection and a little bit of sex okay and if they get a little bit of companionship a little bit of connection a little bit of sex during the week not a lot of regular could be once a week maybe once other week they feel level of content they're good at spending time with someone then there's other people like myself who genuinely want to grow with someone they genuinely want to feel that level of chemistry to feel that level of communication like you're talking to your best friend to feel that level of compatibility where your lives blend together to feel that level of character meaning your values are are similar to one another to feel that level of building the roots to trust and I talk about this in my private coaching building the roots to trust by the way there's a link below to get a schedule a discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you because I think it's really important to understand the roots to trust and I'm not talking about just that trust of do I trust monogamy and exclusivity and non non infidelity I'm talking about the trust of can I trust that this person cares about my feelings as much as they care about their own feelings and by the way this is vice versa as well so we see this significant percentage of the population that's mostly looking to spend time with someone and not actually growing with someone not actually building a relationship with someone ladies this is why if you're in that category like me where you want to build a life with someone then let me just say this before the penis goes inside the vagina read the book eight dates by doctors john and julie gotman by the way there's a link below to jonathan recommends books I highly recommend this book before you begin investing in the wrong person because a significant percentage of by the way this is true of women I know so many women all they're capable of is spending time with someone and not actually growing with someone and why is this critically important because when you only want to spend time with someone and not grow with them then you're not building the roots of trust to feel emotionally safe to actually speak up so what happens is people go silent men in particular go silent and number three one of the primary reasons why men go silent has nothing to do with testosterone is they don't want to make promises they can't keep they don't want to make promises that can't keep what I mean to say is men will not listen we'll come on strong to get laid I mean by the way myself included I'm a red-blooded male when I'm feeling excitement for someone I do tend to come on strong it's it's limerence it's lust it's not love bombing I mean I'm not going overboard because I do know when to apologize but what I mean to say or let me reframe that I do know when there's a boundary from a woman and it's important to listen to that boundary a love bomber doesn't do that but we meant and myself included are driven by the sexual peace so that the what the promise we can't keep is is creating an environment of emotional intimacy or safety because we're not ready for it in fact a significant number of men who have who are not ready to go deeper in relationship because they're probably because they have unhealed wounds childhood wounds and traumas or adult traumas that makes it difficult for them to lean into a relationship so they don't want to make any promises they can't keep and I don't mean the promise of monogamy and exclusivity I'm talking about emotional intimacy emotional intimacy the then because once a woman is feeling a level of feelings for another person we feel the sense of your attachment so we might so what I'm really saying the promise we can't keep is we don't want to overly show our feelings if we don't actually feel them and I know this goes against all the rhetoric you hear and are partially because guys come on strong so it makes it sound like they have feelings they say things like oh my god you're so amazing you're not like anyone I've ever met how many times have you heard that from a guy maybe once maybe twice maybe three times I've probably said it a few times in my life you're oh my god you're unlike anyone I met and then I you know wasn't interested in them because it was because the chemical cocktail of dopamine and testosterone was dripping through my body that made me think I had feelings for a person because I hadn't developed that level of trust so again making a promise he can't keep so one of the reasons men pull back or go silent is because they don't want to make a promise of feelings that they can't live up to do number four men you know a significant percentage of the population has weak emotional skills and weak relationship skills if you're not familiar with my chart emotional maturity relationship skills chart by the way this is not a fact it's an opinion but I believe roughly 20 percent of the population has clinical issues and while I say over here 20 percent is healthy I'm being rather generous with that 20 percent because everybody else most everybody's in the dysfunctional category and when you're dysfunctional in your relationship skills that means you're dysfunctional in your communication skills because most humans don't know how to truly articulate their feelings in a way to be seen heard and understood this is why I continually recommend the book nonviolent communication by Marshall Rosenberg why do I talk about these books over and over and over again because if you want to get better at this you have to learn because most of us have been adopted with the idea that chemistry equals relationship success and what's interesting I'm reading a new book by Neil Clark Warren he's the guy who started the book is called two dates or less and I'm just starting to read this so I can't endorse it yet but while I'm reading this book is he's the guy who started e harmony and he believes that when you take compatibility and match it with chemistry watch out in fact he claims to have a 97 success rate for his marriages and by the way some people think he's a nut job some people think the website is crap I'm not here to endorse that but what I am endorsing is the understanding that chemistry doesn't equal success and if you're not familiar with my relationship iceberg just like I was sharing before below the surface above the surface is chemistry that's the first thing we see and that's where we feel a level of traction but true compatibility is shared values blendable lifestyles and that emotional maturity and as you start checking the boxes the water line of attraction begins to go further and further and you feel more and more attracted to a person that you share the same values your lifestyles are blendable and you're feeling a level of emotional maturity because weak emotional and relationship skills is why most people go silent or they do the opposite which women tend to do when you have weak emotional skills or relationship skills you vomit your feelings in an incoherent way I was just listening to a woman in a jacuzzi telling me what she was going to tell this guy she was dating and the guy and I looked at each other and she we're just looking at each other going do you realize you said nothing all you did was what what what what what from charlie brown she literally was making no coherent sense that's what a lot of women do and by the way men are just as bad at this as well so what's it going to take for a man to be able to speak up rather than you know then go silent folks it requires building trust in the relationship and the way trust is built is through emotional safety and emotional intimacy and if you're not familiar with the book emotional intimacy by robert masters I highly recommend checking getting this book so you can learn emotional intimacy because ultimately look at I want to say this you have to learn to ask better questions in the beginning and these days you are better also not just asking questions before you go on a date but make sure you check out this person's google imprint make sure you look into their life because listen not to suggest not to scare you because the listen online dating is the predominant way people are meeting and that's not going to change most people aren't meet people in their tribe village town or workplace it's just not happening nearly as much so this is the venue and as I said in the beginning of this broadcast we're meeting total strangers so what is that going to require asking better questions checking them out on whether it's google you know do a google search for someone don't be naive to this and slow the process down slow the process down and if you're with a guy who's slow then speed the process up but remember this men are the gas typically when it comes to sex and you are the brakes and do not have sex with someone until they know your do you know how many people have sex they don't know each other's birth dates they don't know each other's best friends they don't know each other's favorite color they don't know where the person went to high school and yet the penis will fucking go inside the vagina with little or no effort and so if you wonder why it's a clusterfuck out there this is a compilation of what's going on and the only way to shift this story is to begin first off study all the books I recommend go back and watch some of my other videos I recommend so many different books so you can become a relationship expert because these days it requires by the way and I know you're probably all saying but ladies men should be doing this too I get it but if they're not doing it then you're going to have to lead by example I have clients telling me over and over again Jonathan I listen to your advice before the penis gets to go inside the vagina I'm making the guy read this book together with me this is a great way to develop intimacy with someone and once you start a relationship with someone I highly recommend reading this book where is this book I highly recommend reading this book I hear you a surprisingly simple skill behind extraordinary relationships this is a brand new book I'm reading you can read it together folks there's two other books you should be checking out as well it's don't be naive to this how to build trust in relationship and couples communication these are easy books to read and you can do it read and you can do it together good you've been scared away folks you want to overwhelm the wrong guy because the right guy if you're if you're not familiar with my book what the heck is self-love anyway again there's a link below selflovethebook.com little plug chapter one speak your truth deal with kindness chapter nine if it's sincere and from the heart you can't say the wrong thing to the right person and I'm so excited because a client just texted me on valentine's day to tell me she met her guy and we and she could tell the difference and so we were having a conversation she goes Jonathan you won't believe it we're reading the book eight dates together we're read we're watching the movie you recommend I recommend this I recommend in my private coaching I recommend a lot of videos for couples to watch together and the purpose is this is what builds intimacy not how's your day going did you have a good day I hope you had a good day did you have a really good day have a blessed day you know most people are by the way this is why I get so bored with the current dating process because I just like you are frustrated with men who are lacking inquisitiveness I feel the same way so many of you are unconscious so I'm shoving this down your throat these books because I make you a promise when you can have faith in yourself and trust in yourself you actually become a magnetic attractor to what you want so I invite you all to begin to pray now I don't mean pray to a religious God I'm talking to God universe or spirit I call it Gus I want you to pray to Gus I want you to find that space within you that emits I'm seeking that person that I have chemistry with I'm seeking that person that we have mutual great communication with one another I'm seeking that person where we can blend lives together I'm seeking that person where we can where we have a level of shared values and lastly I'm seeking that person where we can build the level of trust through emotional maturity together and when I say that person I say it as a we we we we because a we is what's going to take you to that next level and that's my invitation for you is this sinking in is this resonating please give me an amen all right I think you get the gist why do guys go silent it's not just because their testosterone level drop although hey when I ejaculate I do tend to not want to talk I'm a guy but at the same time it's not about testosterone it's a level of emotional maturity and ultimately emotional safety in a relationship and it's incumbent upon you all to start doing the social activities hobbies and mutual interests so you can build the roots to trust that will take it from a person going silent versus a person who's going to lean into a relationship and you're going to grow together versus spending time together thank you so much all right now it's time for q&a if you're familiar with my format uh you can simply purchase it you can write the word question and post the question there after or you can purchase a super sticker super chat this is only for those that are on the video live there's a dollar sign in the chat box all the monies from the super sticker super chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of Connor my son Connor Asley who passed away and sadly his dog today passed they had to put him down his 14 a half year old dog Connor passed away before Duke did but that's Connor and the scholarship fund is in his name so again check out the dollar sign if you want to donate to the scholarship fund all the monies from the scholarship fund goes to the freight the cost of personal development self help for those and to donate to those causes like the Hoffman process and insight seminar so I'd really appreciate that all right let's check out the q&a board we already have some amens from Donna Nancy and so forth um um let's see if we have any questions if you have a question post the word question write the question there after or purchase a super sticker super chat uh let's go swim in it's easier for me to find these when you write the word question or and then post the question there after oh here we go Laura writes oh sorry I butchered your name miss white question do you have an act do you have e active the hero instinct in a man to share connection with them do you have e active the hero instinct in in the man to share a connection with them I don't understand that question please rewrite it for me so I can get a better sense of what you're asking so thank you so much all right let's see what else we have um all right listen we looks like we have a bashful group so if you want to jump on board oh here we go Nicole writes question my friend always texted this guy she likes but he is not letting her see his face like on FaceTime is that a red flag for her great question so um here's my rule of thumb I have a simple rule of thumb in dating it's called three two one three three two one three all right if you connect with a guy on one of these sites dating apps dating sites whatever no more than three text communications should lead to no more than two telephone calls that should lead no more to to a date all in a three week period of time three two one three so in that telephone calls just say hey I'd feel more comfortable if we're going to continue this engagement I'd feel more comfortable that we do FaceTime or by the way you can do it on Instagram you can do it on um you know if you have two different types of phones if someone's not willing to show their face then how serious are they how serious are they look at folks after the movie Tindler swindler you have every right to ask for a credit report from someone to go out on a date and that's that's an exaggeration I'm being a little tongue-in-cheek but you have every right to ask for a FaceTime in fact I highly recommend it with the amount of listen folks sadly my photos are stolen daily to be used on scam sites and by the way the number of scams is probably 10 percent of the online dating you know um uh experience out there but hey a lot of people use a lot of crappy photos oh my god let me just share with you a photo I just to give you an illustrating example but I was just shocked here's a woman's first photo I'm like like like who is it like what are you doing like I'm like how unconscious can you be to make that your first photo here's another person's first photo and I'm like like look at listen if someone is wearing a Halloween costume would you walk up to them no so you have every right to ask for a face to to connect with them on that way so I definitely recommend that so um who was asked that question I think it wasn't a cold thank you so much for that question I really appreciate it um let's see what else we have jeannie says question what are your thoughts about asking a man to hold you hug you not in an intimate way I am in need of being held and hugged well I'm going to reach into the camera and give you a hug of love right now jeannie um if it's a total stranger I'd want to feel level of comfort or I would ask a friend a pet a teddy bear a pillow and hug them I would be careful with total stranger although I've met women on first dates and one of the first things we've done is we've given each other a hug now maybe I create a safe space for them to feel that way but I'm a big proponent of hugs big proponent hugs but certainly if you just met someone for the first time they may not be comfortable so I may not ask it right away or I would ask permission would it be okay if I give you a hug would it be okay if we would it be okay if we give each other a hug that's the way I would handle that and that's my suggestion on that one so jeannie thank you so much for that I really appreciate it all right let's keep going here good we got some super stickers I want to thank monica for the 99 cents super sticker thank you so much Connor's going to appreciate that um Nancy writes question if a man goes silent how do I make it clear it's okay for him to be exactly how he is and feels that I'd rather know than be subjected to silence and wondering hmm I love this question this reminds me of when my my my previous significant relationship occasionally I would send off an email to her and she took hours upon hours to respond back and that triggered my anxious attachment style I happened to be an anxious attachment style at least I used to be I'm more secure now than ever before and then I thought you know what and then she told me she was always busy so what I did was I used to put at the bottom of any text or email I'd say nrr nrr that meant no response required and what that did give her space to answer when she felt like it was time for her to answer so you have to recognize that this incessant expectation of communication might be difficult for some people so you might putting nrr is like giving a present without expecting something back okay it's just you're expressing something with no expectation back if someone genuinely goes silent and let me go back to this question one more time listen I'm also a big believer that when we communicate with each other is to be conscious in your communication by saying look I know this might take time for you to process what I just said so you can actually think about it ahead of time how might he react to this and maybe come at it from I used to think of I'll think of a Star Trek analogy um Captain Kirk would go to Scotty I need more power and in and Scotty would say it would take four hours and Captain Kirk will say I need in 15 minutes and he said let me get back to you the point is predict that's what Scotty did he used to say something would take a long time but actually do it in a short time in other words he thought ahead so he can always look like a miracle worker think ahead if you're what you're going to say might cause a reaction then think ahead by saying hey it's okay if it takes time for you to respond back that way it takes the pressure off of the expectation when I said earlier men don't want to make promises they can't keep it's the expectation that you want something from us before we're ready to give it now you might be thinking well Jonathan we give our bodies before we want to well yeah you shouldn't do that either so um please forgive me just had to um adjust my pants so that's how I'd respond to that does that help I hope it does uh Nancy thank you so much for that question I really appreciate it all right here's a good one ethereals vixen says question I'm dating a 37 year old guy and he goes one or two days max he goes one or two days max of not hearing from him or you go one or two is it normal for the beginning phases of that for a relationship absolutely listen I know that men who are genuinely serious genuinely genuinely serious will most likely reach out once a day or once every other day that's men who are genuinely serious okay now there are men that are in that I'm uncertain phase that it might take one two or three days to reach out but you know what pisses me off why aren't women reaching out why is it always I haven't heard from the guy in 10 days I'm like why haven't you fucking texted him folks we gotta stop this this expectation that men are always the one to initiate communication or initiate dates or initiate anything I highly recommend letting go of that you have every by the way read the book by the way I highly recommend reading the book if the Buddha dated if the Buddha dated this book is about throwing out all the bullshit gender rhetoric I know listen I know many of you like will tell me biology speaking men must be the leaders and I know a lot of people will say men must be the leaders after you read this book you'll understand that you are more empowered when you're an active participant in the process and guess what dysfunctional men won't appreciate it but they're dysfunctional men who are genuinely serious guys like myself we appreciate women who make efforts most most grown-up men want women to make just as much effort at least listen I'm not saying match the effort I'm saying make effort so that includes reaching out but to answer your question original question yes it's very common for a guy who even likes you to take a day or two to not reach out and by the way maybe he's testing you maybe he's seeing is she gonna reach out to me might want to check that out as well all right ethereal vixen thank you so much for that question I really appreciate it all right let's go swimming heather $10 super sticker yay giving today because I love dogs and because I've been giving you a hard time lately thank you so much heather I've noticed that um and thank you for the $10 donation to the Connor Asley scholarship fund in and Connor's dog his name is Duke and I'm feeling sad for him a little cute little um uh oh that here's a picture of Connor's dog let me show everyone it's on my I babysat the dog one day and this is on my bumble profile hey I get credit for babysitting or dog sitting so let me show you a picture of Duke here's a picture of Duke oh so thank you for the super sticker I really appreciate it all right let's keep going swimming all right ah my crush tells oh let's see what just love says my crush tells me that he loves me but that he understands if I meet a friend or make a boyfriend because of distance he lives in the US I live in Mexico do you think I don't care okay thank you for sharing that I appreciate it let's see what Nicole has to say this guy like for a while says he's happy being single should I just move on well it's interesting um my last significant relationship ended uh gosh four years ago and I've really gone accustomed to enjoying my own company I've really gotten accustomed to enjoying who I am as a person so I it's not that I enjoy being single and I'm not suggesting on him I'm just suggesting is that it's very common for someone when they've actually got their routine to get used to that routine so the real question I asked for you is to find out how serious is this person want to be in a relationship ladies again if you're letting the penis go inside the vagina why aren't you reading the book eight dates together because here's the thing if someone says they want to be single did you get a commitment did you agree by the way before you fuck together before you fuck did you find out if you want monogamy did you find out if he wants exclusivity I can't tell you how many women I speak to on a regular basis didn't ask those questions and I'm sorry to use a kind of a vulgar descriptive that's not vulgar penis and vaginism vulgar but it might seem that way but when you have sex with someone that's a very intimate act it's one of the most intimate next to real heart-centered communication it could be if not more the most intimate act on the planet and yet people will do that without really connecting with a person to trust that they really have your best interest at heart isn't that sad you know the reason why people got married before sex is because it showed trust it showed some level of trust and we're no longer you know like we are such an abasterdized way of dating these days and again I listen I'm a dating coach and I'm so happy my client experience amazing success I mean I get phone calls all the time Jonathan I met a great guy Jonathan I made a great guy Jonathan I met the great guy and they know the difference and I've already been to a number of weddings from clients and I know it's because I'm teaching this okay I just realized what I'm teaching how to be an adult in relationship not that I'm teaching from this book but I'm teaching how to actually start acting like grown-ups and so few of you and I know this pisses some of you off that I'm feels like I'm talking to you but I'm saying this as a generalization because so few of you act like a grown-up because you know the men are supposed to claim me and all I gotta do is sit back in my feminine no that's not how it works when because the vast majority of humans beings are dysfunctional how do you get out of your dysfunctionality through personal development through self-help through spiritual work to heal childhood wounds and traumas and adult trauma so you can actually learn how to communicate in a more healthy way and just like this client that texted me on Valentine's Day it's she's like we're already beginning what I call church so one of the things I invited her to do and I invite you all to do this is if you're beginning a relationship with someone after right around the time you know you have sex with each other is to introduce what I call church and I don't mean this in a religious sense I mean this in a building emotional safety with one another and what I recommended to her is once a week they get together they listen to a cd they read a book they watch a video for no more than 20 to 30 minutes about a topic related to relationships you know you might want to look up the work of Esther Perrell she's got she wrote the book mating in captivity you can check out her work you could check out bernay browns work you can check out joe dispensers work you can check out here marianne williamson's work return to love here's a cd or even barbara de angeles how to make love all the time and just talk about it together but jeff and i was scared guy away listen folks your relation relationship let's see ester perrell says the quality of your life is predicated on the quality of your relationships now first it starts with the relationship would sell coming back to my book okay but then your interpersonal relationships are the most important thing in your life listen as much as you might like your car or your jewelry or your bags or how to carry from sex in the city it was all about shoes shoes shoes shoes shoes okay but her relationships with her friends were most important to her and i'm here to say your intimate romantic relationship is critically important and don't be so naive to think men know what the fuck they're doing men are rather fucking clueless they're winging it most men don't know how to they don't know the mechanics to a healthy happy relationship so listen if they don't know what assume just like scottie in star track as i shared before just assume men don't know that way you can let go of that whole feminine energy and leaning back and you can by the way do you know when skiing when you're skiing down a slope you're actually taught to lean in i know it's natural to want to lean back but you'll fall when you lean back because your skis go up you have to lean into a relationship and that's where that's why i'm so passionate about this i don't dislike my dizzlist is like a few of feminine energy coaches because i think they're selling you on princess energy but what i'm really trying to encourage everyone is stop taking this shit for granted and start leaning into your life because listen for many of us the days in front of us are shorter than the days behind us we don't have time to fuck around and don't waste time with people who are not going to engage in real desire to develop real trust with one another repeat after me i will it's raining great men who want to build trust it's raining great men who want to build trust it's raining great men who want to build trust can i get an amen all right thank you so much i went off on a complete tangent there um but i hopefully i answered your question the call all right let's go swimming man did i get any amens amens okay wow maryann has a personal question for me let's see what you say here personal questions you believe that more that you work on yourself is how you draw in the same likeness to yourself and how do you avoid vulnerability being so open so i'm assuming this is for me or maybe this is for you by the way we're getting a lot of amens so i'm wondering actually i'm going to answer this for myself so i'm wondering if all of this work has made it harder for me to find a mate and i think the answer is yes and let me explain why because i recognize that the vast majority of human beings are emotionally dysfunctional and have weak relationship skills so one of the first so what's important to me is first i've kind of been thinking about some really important criteria for me and i invite this for you all as well y'all y'all um number one i'm seeking someone who's spiritual but not religious now for me i just don't believe in religious doctrine however a relationship with god universe and spirit is of utmost importance to me someone who has a relationship with god universe or spirit and number two somebody who is actively doing personal development self-help and spiritual work and i mean that might include going to a therapist but they they're either genuinely interested in the books i talk about them the personal development books as well as the relationship books but they've actually done some healing with childhood wounds and trauma so one of the first questions i asked a woman is are you familiar with childhood wounds and traumas be familiar with childhood wounds and traumas and if yes what healings have you done in what healing have you done in your life because i'm i just basically assume nine out of ten women i might get to talk to night get to talk to or rather you know emotion have have deep wounds and traumas now that might be assumptive on my part but i believe most everybody has it so with that said i think it's important i think the more conscious and enlightened you become and what i mean to say is aware that you are that everything happens for you not to you i think a significant percentage of the population men and women alike are operating from victim consciousness they're suckling on the nipple of victim consciousness let me suck on that nipple of victim consciousness here in the united states our entire news organizations are feeding the victim narrative the victim consciousness narrative and whenever i sniff that out from a person i move on so it makes it harder but i also believe i know i'll meet someone we have great chemistry i know i'll meet someone that has great communication skills with me i know i'm going to meet someone whose lifestyle is blendable with mine i know i'll meet someone whose values share mine and i know i'll meet someone where we can build the roots to trust i don't even give it a second thought whether it happens tomorrow when i walk out of the house or 10 years from now it doesn't matter when what matters most is the relationship i have with myself and that's my invitation for you all the relationship you have with yourself is the most important relationship in your life and i say this folks because many of you know i lost a child and losing connor it didn't just break me open it was an invitation to really explore what it means to love on oneself and so you know in his honor i wrote this book he was the inspiration for my book of what the heck is self-love anyway because i know it's a vaccination to emotional chaos a vaccine a vaccination to emotional chaos because i know i suffer from not feeling good enough not feeling lovable not feeling likable and every day i take ownership of my part and i did something stupid the other day i sent a passive aggressive text message to someone because i was pissed off i was able to catch it and then reply back with an apology to go with it and whether they accept it or not i don't know but my point is you know i'm human just like anyone else and at the end of the day what i'm seeking is a human being who's at least willing to say you know what i've got problems and i'm working on it so that's the questions i asked very early on to at least make sure we're on the same page not because i want to spend all day and personal development but what i really want is to build that level of emotional intimacy with someone so we can have a juicy delicious healthy relationship i haven't said juicy delicious in a long time a juicy delicious healthy relationship and i want all of you to feel that level of juicy delicious healthy relationship at some point in your life thank you for that question i really appreciate it i hope i answered it if i did marianne please let me know later on this so thank you so much all right let's see hey you can purchase a super sticker super chat before we wrap up today that i'm gonna allow for one more personal question of me if you have a personal question of me please let me know uh let's see what we have here oh right the word personal question and then the question there after if you have a question to ask me personally um what does marieville say mayville says question he texts to me i reply no response he texted me i reply no i returned his miss call he doesn't answer so i text him in no response back what's that all about he's a child he's an emotional child like you know what i get on the horn what the fuck i like what the fuck are you just a fucking emotional child because you're acting like a fucking emotional child like what is it about people that are so immature emotionally immature i get it listen i gotta have compassion because he's i guarantee you something merit mayville he's probably at he he was really fucked up as a childhood or had real fucked up shit that happened as an adulthood that makes him rather dysfunctional so you know what i'd say just send him a text message by exclamation point and this i know that's very childish but you know what i wouldn't put up with that shit i wouldn't put up with that shit that's just me talking i hope that helped though all right susie says you seem so authentic i cracked open also when i lost my nate yeah that was that's what loss will do for you thank you for sharing that susie tuesday says amen to juicy and delicious amen tuesday i agree um b u says i love your content have to go catch my mentoring program there you go all right personal question above melinda i don't see it uh so you're gonna have to post it again all right let's see what we have here maryland says jonathan i'm so glad i'm not the only one who has been divorced for decades yeah gray says i love matthew hussey you know what i actually have a great deal of respect for matthew hussey i he tends to speak to a younger crowd of 20 and 30 year olds where i tend to speak to 40 and 50 and 60 year olds but i love you know what a lot of dating coaches genuinely care what i like about matthew not you know you don't have to love everything about him but what i like about him is he's constantly thinking he's like me he's constantly thinking of ways to give you new information in a different way my way is doing it through recommending books and personal development self-help and spiritual work i'm not going to try to sell you on a $50,000 program you know i'm here to say you can get a lot of great advice and help through books for a couple hundred bucks um i think matthew is great and so i'm glad that his name came up i really have a great deal of respect for him all right um and then i also met him for monique says do you really believe that only healthy people deserve love no of course i don't believe that everybody deserves love even the most heinous person on the planet deserves love think about the most some of the people that are very wounded listen everybody hurt people hurt people repeat after me hurt people hurt people but they're hurting what they need most is compassion now i'm not suggesting you ever compromise a boundary but you know people that are hurting they what they most want is love you know i never met the man but i'm assuming jesus operated from that place and again i have no idea i'm making an assumption here but i'm here to say even when someone has done me wrong and i've had trolls and assholes and a lot of people that have done me wrong after i mother fuck them i then shift back to compassion because here's let me tell you my mantra i say to myself every day loving myself and everyone else loving myself and everyone else loving myself and everyone else i do my best to operate that way can i act like a bonehead absolutely can i be passive aggressive at times absolutely can i get defensive can i be stubborn can i self crucify myself absolutely and at the end of the day i i'm a firm believer that everybody needs love it's not healthy people it's just healthy people tend to have better relationships they're not as dysfunctional okay i think healthier emotionally healthier people have better relationships i think dysfunctional people have horrific relationships and moments it's because when two egos get together they're more focused on themselves and not the we the we the we trust is built through the we so the more emotionally mature person the greater trust is built but no i think everybody deserves love does everyone agree with me just right in the comments everybody deserves love i know you might hate people you might be angry i do believe that they deserve it um because who knows maybe it takes that one shift for at the dominoes to pop up pop up pop up all right that's just a rough thought all right i'll take one more questions one more question what makes your heart dance so i love this question and i'm going to wrap up with this question what what gives me oxygen in the dating realm well i mean beside my son and and and by the way i was asked to date youtube and i had a conversation with the youtube reps that worked with me uh they said what what gets you up in the morning i tell you i said it's the comments that the work that i'm doing is making a difference that the work when i get you when you all comment on the comment section of a video or even in the live stream when i get you're making a difference for me that makes my heart dance but i want to share with you my oxygen and that is when i talk with someone when someone let me reframe that when me and another person are talking with each other and not at each other that's my oxygen when someone talks with me i just connected with a woman who lives far away and it's a it's a thread dating app and she wrote we had this beautiful exchange between each other it's not going to work because of the distance and i'm really saddened because she was talking with me and not asked me and i was feeling that oxygen that's my oxygen when people talk with me and not at me and what that means is they actually ask me questions to get to know who i am because i'm always asking questions to get to know another person and that's my prayer for myself all right uh and who wrote that question genie thank you so much for that i really appreciate it all right has this live stream been of value please say yes say amen say spot on say thank you i'd really like to know before we wrap up today really quickly uh if you'd like to schedule a discovery call with me check out the link below check out my group called midlife love mastery check out my website check out my instagram check out my podcast the what would love do podcast join my mailing list uh share this video with friends hit that like button please hit that like button right now to let me know so i can be seen in the youtube algorithms and i'm going to wrap up this video as i always do first off giving myself a big gigantic jothin bear hug of self love i'm going to reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay i'm going to ask you to turn to a friend a pet a teddy bear a pillow and give it or them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love let's face it we could all use a lot more love in our lives i want to thank jasmine all right misspelled your name florida sandra kitty cat sherry daniel jennifer m a bucking jackie oan oops hey sweetheart uh natalie susie kitty cat ali genie s sx 90 sandra d nicole annette marianne trisha heather everyone uh tuesday is it tuesday no it's wednesday all right everyone thank cathwin thank you so much wishing you a super duper wonderful night bye now