 What's going on you lot? Welcome back to my channel. If you're new here, hi, hello, my name's Livia and I make mental health videos here on YouTube pretty much every day. Now, as you can probably see, I have got glitter literally everywhere. I'm in the process of making a phone case for Louise and if you don't know who Louise is, she's another YouTuber here on YouTube, obviously on YouTube. I'll leave her information in the description down below. I think what she does is amazing. Living in a daydream. Today I'm talking to you about de-personalization, de-realization. These are two dissociative disorders that I'm diagnosed with. Because of these disorders, I pretty much feel like everything is a daydream. I feel like my entire world is a dream. It doesn't feel real. And two of the biggest issues I have, because it can flare up at any time, are memory loss and time loss. When I say lose time, believe me, I do not know where my half my days go. I know a lot of people say that, but when I say it, I'm like literally have no idea what I've been doing. So often or not, you'll probably see me with a good old pen and a notebook writing absolutely everything down on, because I forget everything. My memory is appalling. But when it comes to time loss, what does that mean? Yeah, it's a weird concept. Basically, if I'm in a dissociation, yes, I am diagnosed with it and it goes on all the time. When it has a flare up moment, know what I'm doing, but I can't remember what I'm doing. So I could be, say YouTube for like me sat here talking to you, and I will just zone out and I'll be like, what is this thing in front of me? What am I doing? Sat here? What am I doing? You know, it plays with my mind so much. Everything seems impossible. I am lucky that I haven't really had a flare up in quite a while. And I've managed to get my dissociative moments under control and I found coping skills. My best way of coping, honestly, is pen and paper and paper on my best friends. How does it feel? It's probably what you're wondering. Even when you sit there and have a daydream, you're just sewn down, not focused on things and you're thinking, you just don't know that you're doing it until afterwards. That's what everything feels like. And believe it or not, these are actually some very common dissociative disorders. Dissociative disorders aren't all to say. There's dissociative identity disorder, which was formerly known as multiple personality disorder. There's depersonalization, derealization. So many of us, there is dissociative amnesia. There's a lot of types of dissociation. Dissociation is also a symptom of anxiety, panic attack and PTSD. Dissociation can occur without any dissociative disorder being present. I just wanted to put that out there. Dissociation and dissociative disorders aren't the same. Dissociative disorders are pretty intense and constant feelings of dissociation. Dissociation can occur in a panic attack, which in a moment of panic, you leave that moment, you're not present and you can't remember what you was going because you dissociate. That is what dissociation is in a basic terminology, way, thing, thing. My brain is kind of on a moment, so I'm sorry if my words aren't making sense. If I'm having a flare up, I will say, I'll wake up, I'll get ready, I'll go to uni, I'll do what I need to do and then I'll be somewhere out and about and I'll be like, how did I get here? Because I can't remember actually doing anything or it can happen when I look in the mirror and it's like my face but it's not my face. You don't recognize everyday things and this is really hard to go through when you're very prone to psychosis and this is part of the reason why I take an anti-psychotic. I'm not on very high dose with the anti-psychotic because it lowers my blood pressure too much. Long story, very short. When my dissociation was bad, I would see these shadows move it. Shadows are the most common hallucinations that I have. I'm gonna say that I mean like shadows moving off walls but my issue was is everyday things that have shadows were transforming into these things I didn't recognize them and I was terrified of them and I did a video back when this was going on and I talked about it and it was really weird to try and explain because how do you even comprehend it? You know, it's not something everyone goes through and it's not something everyone can understand. It has been a minute since I made a video talking about these disorders because I've become more focused on my BPD, my eating disorder, my hegeistic anxiety can just exist in this corner. You know, I want to raise awareness of things. I want to talk about things that people don't talk about. You know, making videos is very hard when you can't actually remember what you experienced. So when I had my last episode association which was around a week ago, I actually wrote down absolutely every single thing that I did that day because I already knew I was really out of it. Like when you're out of it, you can kind of tell but you kind of can't tell. It's a learning curve. You have to learn to know when it's occurring and what it does. I write down absolutely every little detail of everything that I'm doing. Writing things down is also a really good grounding skill. So like if you're feeling like zoned out or you're feeling anxious, writing what's everything down is actually a really good grounding technique and coping skill. I felt I'm making this video as a bit of a step back into the subject sort of thing because it has been a minute since I spoke about these and you know, I want to start talking about it more and more. I'm bringing this video to an end but if you didn't know, I run an Etsy store where I sell self-care packages, scrapbooking packages, all sorts on there and that just, you know, that's there to support you and support me. I also launched a monthly self-care package which I know it's a thing and it's amazing. So with that, I am going to end this video here. If you aren't here, make sure you hit the subscribe button. If you don't know, I have a TikTok too and I post some really weird creepy shit on there. So right away, throwing myself a little ding. If you aren't here, make sure you turn the notifications on because I do do live streams as well and we have guests sometimes quite a lot now and with that, I'm going to end the video here. Bye guys.