 The Jaws of Schlitz Brewing Company of Milwaukee, Wisconsin presents the Halls of Ivy starring Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman. I was curious. I tasted it. Now I know why Schlitz is the beer that made Milwaukee famous. If you like good beer, you'll find it pays to be curious and learn about Schlitz for yourself. Welcome again to Ivy, Ivy College that is in the town of Ivy, U.S. State. Dr. William Todd Hunter Hall, President of Ivy, has been working in his study all morning. But he leaves it now to join his wife, the former Victoria Cromwell of the English musical comedy stage. As he enters the living room, Mrs. Hall says, Oh, I'm glad you're finished, Tori. Vicki, I am never finished. And why should you be glad? Outside of the fact that naturally you can't stand being without me for a minute. You're not going to feel so good when I remind you that today is the faculty tea at Mrs. Quincannon's. Oh, that doesn't disturb me a bit, my dear. A legitimate function of the president's wife. I think it's quite proper that you should attend all faculty teams. Not me. We. Oh, no, no, no. You don't know. And not only that, but you need a haircut. I'll get one next week, Delilah. Why do you hate to go to the barber? My dear girl, I do not hate to go to the bar. Well, then why? I do, however, dislike to have the administration of this college subjected to the haphazard analysis and preposterous suggestions of a certain tonsorial artist. The barber. Duckfish. A duckfish. Fish, indeed. He seems to be trying to make up for a million years of silence on the part of his submarine namesakes. Well, I suppose any barber who's been in the same shop for 30 years has certain rights. Which he abuses constantly. But to a college barber, there is a new generation every four years. You know, Vicki, there are a lot of people. Garde. Who never leave a campus without having come in. Garde. Huh? You're trying to change the subject. Oh, oh. I want you to get your hair cut. And I've made an appointment for you. Is there a slight strain of bulldog in you? With a trace of bloodhound, I'll be following you all the way. Oh. Do I get some lunch before I tackle the fish? Oh, it's duckfish, sir. It's cheese souffle. Oh, it's lunch ready, Penny? Yes, sir. The doctor likes the fish. Oh, thank you. Just the same, Penny. Mrs. Hall has already ordered mine. Oh, duck. How are you? Busy. You're five minutes early. But there's no one in the chair. Your appointment's for two o'clock, doctor. I'll be ready for you at two o'clock. All right, duck. I heard you're talking chapel last week. Oh, yes. And? Didn't sound much like a sermon to me. It wasn't. Ministers are supposed to give sermons, ain't they? I'm not a minister. What was you doing in the pulpit then? Duck, may I ask you a question? Shoot. If your cat had kittens in the oven, would they be biscuits? Step in the chair, doctor. It's two o'clock. Thank you. I think I'll just doze a little. I wanted to talk to you. Oh, no, no, no. Please don't. No, no. Just cut my hair and your conversation. I'd like to take a nap. Got something on my mind. Glad you stopped in. Because it's important to this school what I've got to say. As long as nobody else seems to take enough interest, it's up to me to do something about it. I'm going to do it. Right now. Now, I give up. What is it, duck? You know a kid named Eddie Gray? Yes, yes, I do indeed. What about him? He buys a lot of magic stuff at the campus bookshop. You know about that? Oh, yes, yes. A lot of magic stuff and plenty other things have been disappearing. That's a good trick, too. You mean stolen? Guess that's what you'd call it. About five hundred bucks worth. Why do you connect Eddie Gray with this? Many students buy magic stuff. Duck, our founding fathers provided that any citizen accused of crime was entitled to a jury of his peers, competent legal counsel and a qualified judge. Who then are you to constitute yourself judge, jury and executioner? I got eyes and ears. So is a three-toed sloth. You're talking about the same lofty conception of justice. You ought to be ashamed of yourself. You know he sold that big car of his. You know he's running around the campus looking like a spindle step. Looks like he sold all his good clothes. Looks like he maybe needed some dough. Eddie Gray needs money like I, as the saying goes, need a hole in the head. Have you talked to anyone else about this? Nope. I figured it was your job to handle it. I'll handle it. Are you a betting man, Doc? Well, I know where you can get a little bet down. What's the horse? The, um, the horse is a gray duck. And I'll lay you eight to five. He comes in on top. Oh, Vicky. You do look divine and smell. I have to tell you, darling, that I'm a barber friend. No, no, no, no, no. I'm not sniffing. Actually, it hasn't happened. No, no, no. Stop smelling me. I was talking to you. Oh, right. Oh, stop. What did Doc Fish do throughout the whole curriculum? Worse, he's completely revised the laws of evidence. Have you seen Eddie Gray lately? Every day, Toddy, at rehearsals. He's just wonderful. Is he making friends? He's the happiest boy in school. Everybody likes him. And his magic act is going to be the hit of the follies. You remember when you advised him, and I think I did too, to get rid of his flashy car and expensive clothes? Certainly. And he did it right away. Now he dresses just like all the other students. If you can call that dressing. I sometimes think they simply hold a suitcase over their heads and open it. They just wear whatever falls onto them. Well, what about Eddie Gray? There's been some stealing going on at the campus bookshop. He is around there a great deal, and he's suspected. That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. Yes, I thought so too. I have a feeling someone has found out who his father is. And if so, Eddie is being pronounced guilty by association. Oh, no. Oh, I hope not. It'd be too tragic for him just at this time when everything's beginning to go well. I know, but Mike Mulatt is too important a public enemy to be kept undercover very long. If someone has found out that he is Eddie's father, it's natural to point an accusing finger at the boy. We've got to clear him, Toddy. I know he's all right. Oh, we're going to try, my dear. Look, I'll ask him to come over, will you? Yeah. What do we do about the Quinn cannons? That seems to be a fair question. Yeah. Any answers? Only one. I consider it a legitimate function of the president's wife. I think it's quite proper that you should attend all faculty teams. Yeah, yeah. Well, you said that, and then I said not me, we. That's enough, Victoria. Let's now go on. I don't need another haircut. Mr. Gray, to see Dr. Orr. Oh, show him in, Penny. Don't go, Vicki. This is your case as much as mine. Well, I'm glad. I want to stay. Hello, Dr. Hall. Oh, Graham. Oh, hello, Mrs. Hall. Hello, Eddie. You sent for me, sir? Yes, I did. Sit down. Thank you. I wanted to see how you were getting along. Oh, great. Thanks for some good advice from you and Mrs. Hall. I've been having a swell time. I never knew there were so many nice guys and gals in the world. I'm glad to hear that. Eddie, I'm going to be very direct with you. Yes, sir. Have you heard from your father lately? Oh, sure. He sneaked down here to see me 10 days ago. He did? Yeah. He knew I wanted a set of Joseph Conrad's books, so he came down and bought them for me. I'm not apologizing for what he used to be, Dr. Hall, and neither is he, but to me he's been great. Did he buy you the books at the campus bookshop? Yeah, he did. Oh, it's a terrific set. Well, it has sure ruined my allowance. Has anyone told you of the recent robberies at the campus bookshop? Why, yes, sir. I did hear something. Has anyone told you that you aren't suspected? Me? Suspected or stealing? Oh, now just a minute, Dr. Hall. No, calm down. Calm down, Eddie, please. We're not accusing you. On the contrary, we want to clear you. We'll have to find out everything we can. And you can help us. Tell us everything you know about it. I don't know anything about it. If we're going to try to help, you must do your part. It's beyond just you and us. It's a matter of this college's reputation, and a little thing called justice. Uh, a grave. Yes, sir? Just for the record. Have you stolen anything from the campus bookshop? No, sir. Of course you haven't. Do you know who has? No, sir. You know, but you won't tell. Isn't that it? This can be very serious if you don't, Gray. It involves the honor of the whole college. Look, Doctor, I can't tell you anything. I'm sorry. Really sorry, sir, but I wish you'd remember one thing. I've got to do what seems right to me. Please don't ask me to do something that doesn't fit with my own rules. You know, this is where I learned about honor, Doctor, and values, right in this room, from you, both of you. You gave me a lot to hang on to. Now, don't ask me to let it go. I was curious. I tasted it. Now I know why Schlitz is the beer that made Milwaukee famous. In just a moment, we'll return to the halls of Ivy, starring Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman. The first, let's hear the story of a young go-getter who was set out to make an impression, but wound up by being impressed. Give me five minutes alone with the boss, I used to say, and he'll know what a live wire he's got in his organization. That's what I used to say. Well, the other day, the boss invited my wife and me to spend an evening at his home. I knew my big opportunity had arrived. The whole evening in which to sell yours truly to the boss. I could just see myself going on a mild Havana and giving the old boy a couple of pointers on how to clear up that situation in the sales department. Yes, I had it all planned. But somehow it didn't quite work out that way. I should have known at the minute I saw the boss's house. He and his wife were as simple and friendly as the people next door, the living room was lush with antiques, oriental rugs, and original oil paintings. I couldn't help staring, but at least I did manage to keep from saying, gee whiz. Still in all, the evening passed very pleasantly. The boss talked about art and music, showed us his collection of rare prints in first editions, and finally served us some Schlitz beer. And naturally, I didn't admit that I'd never tasted a beer as famous as Schlitz. So I took up my glasses, though I were an old Schlitz drinker from a way back. Actually, I could hardly wait to find out if my boss's taste in beer matched the good taste he showed in other things. I took a deep swallow of Schlitz and found out that it did. The same luxury was there. A luxury of flavor that matched the paintings and the prints in the first editions. It was then I realized what had happened. I had come to make an impression, but as it turned out, I was the one who was impressed. No wonder they call Schlitz the beer that made Milwaukee famous. As we return to the halls of Ivy, we find a tenseness not often to be found in the home of the halls. Please sit down, Taughty, you've been pacing like that for an hour. Oh, I can't, Vicki. I've got to make some sense out of all this. Obviously, Gray is protecting someone else. It's a terribly difficult spot for you. You've been teaching him integrity. Oh, yes, yes, I know integrity. A splendid glowing word. Nine letters, the nine old men of character. You know, my darling, it's not enough simply to present the idea of integrity to a youngster as merely planting the seed. The harvest comes when integrity is put to the test and found to be a source of pride and self-respect and growth. Unfortunately, it's usually a habit-forming virtue. Anyway, that's why we can't afford to have Eddie Gray fail to pass his first real test. Taughty dear, the longer I know you, the more conscious I am of the wisdom in simple decency. Well, I only hope my simple wisdom is adequate to get Eddie clear. If this gets into the newspapers, the boy's life is ruined. With his father's record to help pull him down, he's finished. Even if he's innocent? Oh, his innocence will be shouted down by mob judgment. When a man has been accused in headlines on page one, it's difficult to clear his name with a retraction and small print on page 22. I've got to make Eddie talk. You'll never do it, William. Eddie has a code telling tales, even if justified, violates that code. And you'd be wrong to insist. Someone has to talk. Speaking of talk. Yes? Why don't you go back where you started? Doc Fish, of course. Oh, Vicki, what would I ever do without you? You'd never have your hair cut. Oh, my dear, worse than that. Without you to advise me, I'd have far too many close shaves. No! Well, may I come with you, or do you think I'll make Doc Fish self-conscious? My dear, if you, Alexander the Great, and Lady Godiva's horse, walked into that shop together, the man would never turn a hair. Now, he has the impeterability of intellectual density. Let's go. Mr. President, didn't Mrs. President like your haircut? It was a fine haircut, Doc. But I think you gave Eddie Gray a crooked part. Huh? No, Doc. I'm really disturbed about your accusation of the grave boy. I've been thinking about it myself. I talk too much, always blabbing. Why did you do it? Can't stand his father. Saw him at the bookshop, put two and two together. And they added up to a number on Eddie's back. How did you know who his father was? A friend of mine in Chicago. Racketeer wrote me. Your bookmaker? No, my book, he's a local man. I'm... I mean, no, ma'am. Have you told anyone else about this? No, I'm not going to. I'm going to shut up from now on. A splendid idea if it's not too late. We've got to find out who is doing the stealing. Can any of your Chicago friends tell you that? Probably could if they was here. I'll help all I can. Sorry I started it. And you don't know anything more than you've told us? No. I just suspected this kid right off. Shouldn't have, I suppose, but I did. When I think something, I speak my mind. Loud, too. Bag your pardon, ma'am. Never mind. I was just speaking my mind. It's contagious, I guess. Doc, you've started something that I, as president of this college, must see through to a conclusion. A campus bookshop can be restocked. But the honor of our student body is something else. You know the kid's innocent, Prexy? You know he's guilty. We have an absolute conviction that Eddie Gray is on the level. Look, Mr. President, I'd like to make you one suggestion. They're very unlike you, if you didn't. Well, what is it, Doc? Give me a little time on this. If I'd given this gray kid a bad deal on account of I got no use for his old man, and he turns out to be innocent, I figure I owe him a little help. You owe him a great deal more than that, my friend. But I prefer not to have this matter talked about, you understand? Leave it to me. Just give me the time I need, and if I don't keep shut from then on, I'll guarantee you can shave me next time. And if he doesn't, I will. What a day. And it all started out to be so serene. Well, this is small silver lining. You'll miss the faculty tea. True, my darling. I wonder what that old rascal Duckfish has up his sleeve. At least he's going to stop gossiping about Eddie. I hope so. You know, Vicky, it's so easy to be swayed by preconceived ideas and prejudices. It's very often most difficult to hold a steady course when your whole being cries out to take another path. What are you thinking about now? Well, just for that tiny moment I digressed. My darling, I was thinking of myself and you. I wonder if you remember that day in London when I ran up the stairs to your flat, whistling a tune, gay as the air itself. When I knocked, did you open the door? William, what a nice surprise. Vicky, my darling, I was so close I couldn't pass by without... Oh, I beg your pardon, I shouldn't have come in. I didn't know that... No, William, this is Paul Hunter, Paul Dr. Hall. How do you know? How do you do? I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to intrude. Well, you haven't. We were just having tea. Do you want some? No, I really don't think so. Thank you. I'd better run along. Oh, no, don't go. Are you a medical man, Dr. Hall? No, I'm afraid not, Mr. Hunter. I'm a schoolteacher. Oh, a schoolteacher. He's a professor, Paul, a very learned professor in a very beautiful American university. Oh, now, Victoria. On your sabbatical? Yes. And not too much of it left. Well, that's pretty tragic. Vicky and I were just talking over plans to send those to the winter on the Riviera. Doesn't sound wonderful, William, the blue Mediterranean. The white sands, the striped umbrellas and warm sunshine. Yes, it does. Sounds beautiful. We thought we might stay between Nice, Cannes and Monte Carlo for the entire season. You're with any luck. I don't see why not. No, of course. Why not? With any luck? Well, darling, if it's all OK with you, I'll start making arrangements. There's quite a lot of arranging to do, you know. Oh, I do know, Paul. Yes, by all means. Let's do it. Certainly. It would be awful if you didn't. Well, I'm off then. It's nice to have met you, Doctor. Well, thank you, Mr. Winter. I hope you have a nice hunter. I mean, Winter. See you tomorrow. So pet that boy. Boy? Oh, yes, yes, he is. A real pet. Doesn't it all sound heavenly? Heavenly. William, what is it, dear? You're so down. I wish I were an actor, my darling. I wouldn't let you so easily see my feelings. My feelings about what, dear? What is it? Oh, the Riviera. Under winter skies with me in America. And you with that hunter fellow on the white sands. Oh, I thought... Well, you said that... Oh, you couldn't have... Yes, I know, but you did. Yeah, well, I didn't mean that... You thought I was going away with Paul? Well, of course. Well, aren't you? Well, yes. Well, that's what I thought. What did you think I thought? I thought you thought. I mean, I think... I thought you must have thought that... I think that what you thought I thought was... Well, I just hate to think about it. William, listen. Paul is the company manager of Give Them Tears. Oh. And we're taking the whole company on tour. Oh. And Paul, by the way, is very happily married. Oh, Vicki, what an idiot I am. No, no, no, no, I'm not. No, I'm not. It took considerable intelligence to find and fall in love with a girl like you. Oh, darling, I am a happy man. Too happy. I want you to be a little jealous of me. So go ahead and worry a bit. Worry a bit. I shall worry. Winter, spring, summer and fall. But all the Easter's and Christmas's and New Year's is... We shall help each other. Ring the old ones out and ring the new ones in. I can hear the bells now, Vicki. Happy New Year to Victoria and William. Happy, happy. Howdy, dear. It's not New Year's Day. It's the 24th of February. And the telephone's ringing. The telephone? Well, it's probably that hunter fellow to ask it. Oh. Oh, yes, the telephone. Here, Jungi. That's what I mean. And you don't have to run it down, dear. It's right here for once. Thank you. Doctor Hall's residence. Who? Oh, yes, Doc. Well, that's extremely interesting. Yes, do, by all means, come any time. Thank you for calling. Doc's coming over right away. Doc Fish, the barber? Yes. I mean, there's so many doctors of one kind or another around a college one has to get used to it. By degrees, as you might say. Now, why is Doc Fish called Doc? He holds the degree of doctor of inanity. Yes, it was conferred upon him in 1938 by a group of fun-loving and quite perceptive seniors. Not having looked up inanity in the dictionary is quite proud of it. By the way, Toddy, were you daydreaming again when the phone rang? Or are you just worrying? No, I plead guilty to the first accusation. I was daydreaming. Now, where did you go this time? Oh, down a wrong road for a bit, and then I found you and came back on the right one. Fine trip. I wish I could go with you on some of these meandrings. You always have such a happy expression on your face. Of course. That's what a daydream is for, for comparison with life itself. And usually life looks a little sorry by contrast. But not mine. My life with you, Vicky, is so like a daydream. Big time, sir. A doctor's fish is calling. Oh. Doc Fish. Oh, yes, ask him in, Penny, please. Yes, sir. Right this way, please, doctor. And on your way out, sir, I'd like to consult you about a slight cold in the end. Won't be necessary, sister. Take a couple of aspirins and hit the hay. Hello, Mr. President. Ah, Doc. Mrs. Fred. Hello, Doc. Have a chair. You'll have news first? Yeah. Case is closed. Eddie Gray is in the clear, and the real crook is known. And I feel like a louse. Excuse the expression, Mrs. Hall. That's quite all right, Doc. You were a louse. Yeah, I know. How did you get Eddie Gray off the hook? Yes. Same way I got him on, I talked. In this case, I talked to a friend of mine, sort of a tough guy. Tough and nosy. Kind of a guy that knows how to find things out. He just snooped around until he found a kid that had too much bookshop stock for his kind of dough. And he brought him over for a haircut and a shave. Free. A free shave and haircut? Yeah. We put him in the chair, locked the door, and I started to hone my razor while this friend of mine asked questions. You'd be surprised how chatty a guy can get with a mug like my friend has hanging over him and a razor waving in the background. Who was it, Doc? Mrs. Prez, I've already talked too much, I ain't saying. But any time you happen to go into the campus bookshop for the next three years, you will see him. He'll be working off his charge account. Hey, look, how did you people get so sure it wasn't Eddie Gray? My husband is a fair judge of character. Yeah, looks like it. What do you think of my character, Dr. Hall? Oh, you're a simple subject, Doc. I am? You have the moronic tendency to leap at erroneous conclusions. Yeah. And a strong urge toward character assassination. Yeah. And a lamentable weakness for turning on a conversation and leaving it running. Golly, that's wonderful, Prez. That's me to a T. How do you do it? Oh, I studied under a great teacher, a doctor of inanity. See, I got one of them degrees myself. Just honorary, of course. Yes, we know, Doc. Good night. Good night. I was curious. I tasted it. Now I know why Schlitz is the beer that made Milwaukee famous. And here again, our Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman. Good night, everyone. Good night. This week at this time at the Halls of Ivy, starring Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman, the other players were Earl Ross, Gloria Gordon, Ben Wright, and Bill Stratton Jr. Tonight's script was written by Nat Wolfe and Don Quinn. Our music was composed and conducted by Henry Russell. The Halls of Ivy was treated by Don Quinn, directed by Nat Wolfe and presented by the Joseph Schlitz Brewing Company of Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Ken Carpenter speaking. Now here we the people over most of these NBC stations. The Halls of Ivy.