 The Jack Benny program transcribed and presented by Lucky Strike, the cigarette that tastes better. Light up the lucky, it's light up time. Be happy, go lucky, it's light up time. For the taste that you like, light up the lucky strike. Relax, it's light up time. This is Don Wilson, friends. I hope that the very next time it's light up time for you, you'll get the enjoyment, the real deep down smoking enjoyment that comes with lighting up a lucky. Because luckies taste better. A lucky taste better because it's made of fine tobacco. L-S-M-F-T, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. Fine, mild, good tasting tobacco. And then that fine tobacco is toasted. That's right, it's toasted to taste better. It's toasted, the famous Lucky Strike process tones up lucky's naturally mild, good tasting tobacco to make it taste even better, cleaner, fresher, smoother. So be happy, go lucky. For the taste that you like, light up the lucky strike right now. Light up a lucky, it's light up time. The Lucky Strike program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston Rochester, Dennis Day Bob Crosby. Here's Shirley Dyer. Ladies and gentlemen, after living for 15 years at the same address in Beverly Hills, our little star recently decided to put his house up for sale. So let's go out to Camden Drive where we find Jack showing a prospective buyer through the premises. Well, I guess I've shown you about everything, Mr. and Mrs. Borden. It's quite a nice house. Yes, it's just about what we had in mind. Good, good. Naturally, I wouldn't want to high pressure you into a sale because I don't believe in doing business that way. But where else at the price can you find a home with this square footage, quality of workmanship, choice location, and the Benny you're squeezing my arm. Oh, I guess I got carried away. Anyway, I'm glad you like it. Mr. Benny, to maintain the house this size, I imagine you must have a butler, a gardener, a cook, a chauffeur, an upstairs maid, and a downstairs maid. Yes, yes, I have. Well, where are they? Here I am, sir. It's Rochester. I'll get fired and collect 12 unemployment checks. Never mind. Well, Mr. Benny, I think we've seen all we need to, and we'll let you know. They come along, Martha. But I haven't even told you about the neighbors. See, right next door are my dear friends, Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman. Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman? Yes, ma'am. Here, look out this window. That's Ronny Benita's house. Where? Right there. You can just make out the tip of the chimney over his fence. See? See, that's some fence. You can see it at night when they shoot electricity through it. Yes, yes. Well, Mr. Borden, this house seems to fit your needs, and if you want to leave a small deposit, I'll be very happy. Excuse me, folks. Rochester, I thought that plumber finished upstairs. No, he just had to go back to the shop for more, too. Oh, for heaven's sake. I'll be back in a second, folks. Rochester, show them the closet space in this room in the hall. This is, I had the deal almost close. That darn plumber had to start pounding on the pipes. Say, fellow, look, fellow, I'm trying to sell the house. Would you mind being a little more quiet? Look, but I'm in no mood for complaints. Why, what's the matter? What's the matter? Did you ever spend three hours on your back looking up at the bottom of a rusty sink bowl? Huh? This ain't cinema. Well, next time, think before you criticize. I'm not criticizing. I just don't see why you have to make such a racket with that hammer. Because the hammer is made out of metal and the pipe is made out of metal. Well, isn't there some way you can muffle the sound? Well, sure, if you'll be kind enough to help me. What can I do? Put your head between the pipe and the hammer. Well, just finish up the job and get out of here. Can't understand it. Other people hire plumbers and get a plumber. I hire a plumber and get a Milton Burl. Well, folks, as I was saying, Rochester, where's Mr. and Mrs. Borden? They left what they said they were interested in the house and they'd think about it. Oh, well, I hope they... I'll get that Rochester. It's probably somebody else who wants to buy the house. How do you do? Step right. Oh, it's you, Mary. Stop bowing. I'm not going to buy your house. No, I know. Come on in. I thought it was another prospect. You know, they've been coming in droves. No soul, a soul yet, huh? No soul yet. I rehearse, too. Yeah, I know. No, Mary. No sail yet. Gee, I can't understand it, Mary. Here's a beautiful home, 28 rooms, gorgeous grounds, large swimming pool, and the low... Jack, you're squeezing my arm. Let me ask you something. Why do you want to sell this house anyway? Look, Mary, I'm here all alone. Just me and Rochester. What do I need with a house that has 28 rooms? Jack, you mean to say this house has 28 rooms? Certainly. There's the kitchen, the dining room, the living room, the den, the library, and three bedrooms. That's only eight. What about the other 20 rooms? Oh, I never use those. I've had them closed up for years. You've had them closed for... Jack. You see, I don't really need... Jack. ...so many rooms, you know, so I only... Jack. What is it, Mary? Jack, whatever happened to Kenny Baker? Okay. I don't know. I never thought of that. I don't know. He came over to my house about 15 years ago. That's the last I saw. Anyway, Mary, since I don't need so many rooms, I decided to get a smaller house. Come in. Oh, hello, Mr. Benny. Hello, Mary. Oh, hello, Dennis. Come in and sit down, kid. Thanks. See, Mr. Benny, I saw the sign out in front of your house that says for sale. That's right, kid. How much do you want for it? A hundred thousand dollars. For a little sign like that? For the house! Dennis, I'm trying to sell the house. Oh, well, I wouldn't buy it. Oh, you wouldn't, eh? Well, Dennis, I've got news for you. In the first place, nobody asked you to buy it, and the second place, you couldn't afford to buy it. If I didn't work for a cheapskate, I could. Mary. Don't look at me. I only thought it. He said it. I don't want to get into a long routine with you, so sing the song you're doing on the show before the gang gets here, will you? Okay. Mary, get me a glass of water. Here's an aspirin. I have my own. Just sing. You're a beautiful song. Gracias. Thank you. You know, I can't understand. I can't understand how anyone who sings so beautifully can come in here and act like you do. What makes you behave like that? I don't know. I'm just a machine going to mix up kids. I'll say y'all. Let's have Plummer again. Yeah, what is it? Would you turn the water on? Okay. Rochester. Yes, sir. Would you please turn the water on in the service porch? Yes, sir. What is up? Hey, Plummer, the water's on. Okay. Are you all finished fixing the sink? Not yet. Why do you want to have the water turned on? I'm sorry. I don't care. Rochester, turn the water off. What a crazy Plummer. I'll get it. Imagine somebody like that. Hiya, Jack. Oh, hello, Bob. Come on in. Everybody's here, but Don Wilson. As soon as he comes, we can rehearse. Oh, Jack, I just bumped into Ronald Coleman in front of your house. Ronnie, what do you have to say? Oh, nothing. He put a rabbit's foot on your for sale sign and went home whistling. Good old Ronnie. He always wishing me luck, yeah? Jack, is that sign out in front just a gag or are you really trying to sell your house? Well, of course I'm trying to sell it. What are you asking for? A hundred thousand dollars. A hundred thousand dollars? Brother. What do you mean, brother? Well, my brother is the only one that's got that kind of dog. Oh. Say, Bob. Well, sister, how are you? Say, Bob, I thought you were going to bring... It's Bob Burt. Bob, I thought you were going to bring the band over today so we could have a complete rehearsal. Well, I was, Mary, but I called Bagby the piano player and he said that today all the boys in the band have gone to a tailor to have new tuxedos made. All the musicians in the band? New tuxedos? What are they celebrating? National Wine Week. You know, Bob, I'm a little surprised that they drink anything as mild as wine. Oh, sure they do, Jack. They drink a lot of beer, too. Beer? Mm-hmm. In fact, they had the answer to what you had before Pabst had the question. That I can believe. That's the only band I ever saw where the bass fiddle has a bung-hole in it. And Jack. Yeah. Jack, why do you and Bob always pick on the orchestra boys? It's none of your business what kind of a life they lead. Look, Mary. Week after week, you're always picking on them and selling them. You never have a kind word to say about them. Look, Mary. They've been with you for years and you ought to be ashamed of the way you constantly run them down. Mary. After all, your only concern should be whether or not they play good music. Oh, I see. And you, you think they play good music? Well, they could if they weren't always drunk. I thought so. Now, Bob, as long as the boys in the band are getting tuxedos, tell them to please wear them on the show. Well, I will, Jack. Now, one more thing. I have a request from the California Chamber of Commerce. Oh, what's that? Well, they wrote me a letter saying that if Sammy the drummer can't grow hair and won't wear a toupee, won't he at least paint a stem on his head so it'll look like an orange? Now, the reason that... Come in. Oh, hello, Don. Hello, Jack. Hi, everybody. Hi, Don. Hi. Well, I'm glad you brought the sportsman with you. Don, did you see that sign out in the front lawn? Yeah, I noticed that, Jack. Are you really going to sell this house? That's right, Don. Hey, why don't you buy it? You've tried it on enough, you know. Too big, we can take it in a little around the pantry. Hey, Jack. Why don't we get this rehearsal over with? I want to go out to the driving range and hit some golf balls. Say, I'd like to go with you, Bob. All right, kids. Maybe we'll all go. But first, let's get on with the rehearsal. What kind of show are we going to have? Well, Don, the first half is all written, but we're not sure what to do for the last half. I'd like to do something different. How about doing a satirical version of a psychological drama? Hey, that's a pretty good idea. Mary, what are you talking to him for? He's the plumber. Oh, I thought he was one of your writers. Now, that's a stupid mistake. When he pronounced psychological right, you should have known he wasn't. Now, look, mister, we have a rehearsal to do. Just go finish your job. Well, that's what I came to tell you. I'm all true. Good, good. But there's something I think you ought to know. What? Well, there was a leak in one of the pipes, and while I was tracing it, it led me way to the back of the house on the top floor. And in one of them unused rooms, I saw a fellow with curly hair sitting there eating jello. What? Jack, that must be Kenny Baker. No, no, that's impossible. Maybe it's the gas man. Look, mister, you didn't see anybody up there. Probably just a hallucination. Hey, that's a good wife. Yes, yes. Now, as long as you're through with your job, you can go. Okay, goodbye. Goodbye. Now, kid. Oh, pardon me, Mr. Benny. Is your house still for sale? Yes. How much you want for it? Look, you couldn't afford to buy it. You didn't get my bill yet. What? When you see it, remember, it ain't no hallucination. Get out! Now, look, kid, as long as everybody wants to go out and hit some golf balls, let's start the rehearsal. Now, Don, while we go in the other room, rehearse the dialogue. You run through the commercial with a sportsman. Do you have something prepared? Yes, Jack, but I was thinking about your house. Look, Don, you can't afford to buy it, so let's start. Oh, I don't mean that, Jack. I thought as long as you're anxious to sell a house, it may help a little if we do something about it with a quartet on the radio. Oh, something about the sale for my house? Well, that's wonderful, Don. Hey, kid, you go in the other room, rehearse the dialogue. I want to listen to this. Go ahead, Don. Let's hear it. I want a house just like the house that Benny had for sale. I want it so if I have the dough, I buy it without fail. A good old-fashioned house with 28 rooms, lots of closets for my mobs and brooms. I want a house just like the house that Benny had for sale. Don, I want to sell cigarettes, too. Hey, fellas, cigarettes. I want a smoke just like the smoke that pleases dear old Dad. LSMFT, that's the smoke for me the best I've ever had. It's the best I ever had. And lucky strikes the only smoke for you, better tasting, cleaner, fresher, too. Yes, it's a fact, Dad. His favorite pack is always lucky. With a swell idea, I certainly want to thank you very much. Why, Jack? Well, this way maybe I can sell my house direct. We need a real estate agency. We'll use it on the air Sunday and see if we can get it. All right, Chester, answer the phone, will you please? Yes, sir. Mr. Benny's weather's there. Hello, this is Mr. Borden calling. Is Mr. Benny in, please? Just a minute. Pause us for you. It's Mr. Borden. Mr. Borden? Oh, say, that's the man who was over to look at the house. Maybe he's going to buy it. Hand me the phone. Hello? Operator, will you please get off the line? No, no, Mr. Borden, this is Jack Benny. Oh, Mr. Benny. Oh, what'd you call for, Mr. Borden? What? What'd you call for? What, what? Huh? What was that, huh? What is it, Mr. Borden? What, what? Huh? What, what? Mr. Benny. Yeah? What, what? My wife and I have talked it over and we've almost made up our minds to buy your house. You have? You have? Yes, we have. You said you wanted $100,000. Is that right? Yes, yes. If you'll come right over now, we can close the deal. Well, Mr. Benny, the bank's all closed now and all I have with me is a business check for $250,000. Well, come on over. I can give you the change. Well, I, I have an appointment out of my club this afternoon. I'll come over first thing in the morning. All right, Mr. Borden. I'll be here. Goodbye. Hey, kid. Kid, guess what just happened? Mr. Borden, the man who was here with his wife a while ago, just called and said that we're going to buy my house. Say that's wonderful. Of course, Jack. That's great news. Yes, sir. We'll never be happy here. They will if you don't visit them. Now come on, kids. Let's finish our rehearsal. Then we'll go out to the driving range and hit some golf balls. Well, here we are. Here, Mary. I'll carry your club. Oh, thanks, Bob. Here's your bag, Jack. Careful with them, Bob. Those clubs are new. Gee, the driving range is crowded today. We better get some golf balls at the stand. Dennis, here's some money. Go get us a couple of buckets of balls. Okay. Excuse me, kids. I want to swing this club to limber up my hand. They're stiff from my violin lesson yesterday. Oh, did you practice too long? No, my violin teacher closed the case on my finger. It happens every time I take a lesson. Here's a bucket of balls. Thanks, Dennis. Go ahead, Mary. Hit one out. Okay. Keep your head down. Be quiet. Hey, that was a good one, Mary. Yeah, but watch your form, Mary. Your pivot was much too abrupt and you dipped your shoulder. Go ahead, Bob. You go. Okay. Here goes. Wow, 250 yards straight down the middle. Yeah, but, Bob, you dipped your shoulder, too. Now stand back and watch me. Help him up, Bob. I can't without dipping my shoulder. Don't be funny. I just tried to hit it too hard. That was all. Oh, stop making excuses. You've never played good golf in your life. Oh, I haven't, eh? Well, let me tell you something, sister. Not only do I play good golf, but I even know some great trick shots. Trick shots? Yes, here I'll show you. Dennis, lie down and put this golf ball on your nose. Come on, Dennis, lie down. Okay. Now hold still, Dennis, while I balance this ball on your nose. I'll show you a trick shot if you ever saw one. Now stand back, everybody. But, Jack, you must be kidding. That's a dangerous trick. It sure is. You're liable to miss that ball and hit Dennis. Yeah. Dennis, get up. You'll get hurt. Now get up, Dennis. Now watch me, Bob, and I'll show you the correct form for driving a ball off the tee. Watch this. What do you mean by that? What do you mean, wonderful? I missed the ball three times. I know, but you're finding the smog out of Los Angeles. If anybody stayed down there, I'd be a mess. What am I doing wrong? Well, I don't know, Jack, but she may be ought to take a few lessons from the instructor here. Instructor? Where is it? Well, that's him over there, the one with the white cap. Oh, yes. Maybe he can help me. Oh, mister. Mister. Yeah. Are you the golf instructor here? Yes. Don't let these lounging pajamas fool you. All right. Oh, now what are you charged for a lesson? It's $3 for a half hour. Well, okay. Give me a lesson. All right. Let me see your swing. A grip that's left firmly, the thumb on the shaft. Like this? Very good. But be sure not to slice. We're right next to the third hole of the golf course, right over that head. Oh, yes. I'll be careful. Now start your back swing. That's it. Now head down. Keep your head down. Lower. Lower. Lower. Lower. For a lesson. So will you please give me some instruction? All right. You keep your head down. Swing back slowly. Hit it. Oh, boy. Look at that one go. Hey, Jack, you got a bad slice on that one. Look, it's going over the hedge on the golf cart. Hey, boy! Goodness. Hit a man on the head. Oh, for heaven's sake. I better run over and apologize. You don't have to. He's coming over here. Say it's Mr. Borden, the man who's going to buy my house. Who hit me on the head with that ball? I did. I'm awfully sorry, Mr. Borden. Who's Mr. Borden? You are. You are. And I'm Jack Benny. Who's Jack Benny? Jack, your ball hit him so hard he lost his memory. But he can't. He promised to buy the house. What house? My house. Don't you remember? Things like the house in Beverly Hills, 28 rooms, the swimming pool, the spacious yard. Stop squeezing my arm. Mr. Borden, you must remember. Please. The lovely neighborhood. The wonderful neighbors. Kenny Baker will sing to you. Mr. Borden. What about my three dollars? What? I sell the house. Mr. Borden, try to remember. Please. Jack will be back in just a minute. But first, listen to this. It's light up time. The lucky time. Relax. Light up time. A time when you want to really enjoy yourself. And if it's a lucky you, light, you'll really get that enjoyment. Because a lucky tastes better. Naturally it does. It's made of fine, mild tobacco. Tobacco that naturally tastes better. Tobacco that's toasted. That's right. It's toasted. The famous lucky strike process, tones up lucky's good tasting tobacco, brings it to its very peak of flavor, makes it taste even better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. So when it's light up time for you, light up a lucky, you'll find it's the best tasting you've ever smoked. For the taste that you like, light up the lucky strike. Right now. Light up a lucky. It's light up. A little late, so good night, folks. Just any program is written by Sam Perrin, Milk Josephsburg, George Balzer, John Takeberry, Al Gordon, Hal Goldman, and produced and transcribed by Hilliard Marks. Filter smokers, here's the true tobacco taste you've been looking for. Filter tip tartan gives you all the full, rich flavor of tartan's famous quality tobacco, and real filtration, too. 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