 Chapter 14 of Scenes from Sketches by Boz. There was a time when, if a man ventured to wonder how voxel gardens would look by day, he would be hailed with a shouted derision at the absurdity of the idea. Voxel by daylight, a porta-pot without a porter, the house of commons without the speaker, a gas-lamp without the gas, poo, nonsense, the thing was not to be thought of. It was rumoured, too, in those times, the voxel gardens by day, with the scene of secret and hidden experiments, that there, carvers were exercised in the mystic art of cutting a moderate-sized ham into slices thin enough to pave the whole of the grounds. The beneath the shade of the tall trees, studious men were constantly engaged in chemical experiments, with the view of discovering how much water a bowl of neegas could possibly bear, and that in some retired nooks appropriated to the study of ornithology, other sage and learned men were, by a process known only to themselves, incessantly employed in reducing fouls to a mere combination of skin and bone. Big rumours of this kind, together, with many others of a similar nature, cast over voxel gardens an air of deep mystery, and as there is a great deal in the mysterious, there is no doubt that to a good many people, at all events, the pleasure they afforded was not a little enhanced by this very circumstance. Of this class of people, we confess to having made one. We love to wander among these illuminated groves, thinking of the patient and laborious researches which had been carried on there during the day, and witnessing their results in the suppers which were served up beneath the light of lamps and to the sound of music at night. The temples and saloons, and cosmer armours, and fountains glittered and sparkled before our eyes. The beauty of the lady singers, and the elegant deportment of the gentlemen, captivated our hearts. A few hundred thousand of additional lamps dazzled our senses. A bowl or two of punch bewildered our brains, and we were happy. In an evil hour the proprietors of voxel gardens took to opening them by day. We regretted this as rudely and harshly disturbing that veil of mystery which had hung about the property for many years, and which none but the noonday sun and the late Mr. Simpson had ever penetrated. We shrunk from going, at this moment we scarcely know why. Perhaps a morbid consciousness of approaching disappointment, perhaps a fatal pre-sentiment, perhaps the weather, whatever it was, we did not go until the second or third announcement of a race between two bloons tempted us, and we went. We paid our shilling at the gate, and then we saw for the first time that the entrance, if there had been any magic about it at all, was now decidedly disenchanted, being in fact nothing more nor less than a combination of very roughly painted boards and sawdust. We glanced at the orchestra and supper room as we hurried past. We just recognised them, and that was all. We bent our steps to the firework ground. There, at least, we should not be disappointed. We reached it, and stood rooted to the spot with mortification and astonishment. That, the Moorish Tower. That wooden shed, with a door in the centre, and doves of crimson and yellow all round, like a gigantic watch case, that the place where night after night we had beheld the undaunted Mr. Blackmore make his terrific ascent, surrounded by flames of fire and peels of artillery, and where the white garments of Madame Somebody, we forget even her name now, who nobly devoted her life to the manufacture of fireworks, had so often been seen fluttering in the wind as she called up a red-blue or party-coloured light to illumine her temple. That, the, but at this moment the bell rung. The people scampered away, pale-mell, to the spot from whence the sound proceeded, and we, from the mere force of habit, found ourself running among the first as if for very life. It was for the concert in the orchestra. A small party of dismal men in cocked hats were executing the overture to Tancredi, and a numerous assemblage of ladies and gentlemen with their families had rushed from their half-empted stout mugs in the supper-boxes and crowded to the spot. Intense was the low murmur of admiration when a particularly small gentleman in a dress-coat led on a particularly tall lady in a blue scarce-net police and bonnet of the same, ornamented with large white feathers and forthwith commenced a plaintive duet. We knew the small gentleman well. We had seen a lithographed semblance of him on many a piece of music, with his mouth wide open as if in the act of singing, a wine-glass in his hand and a table with two decanters and four pineapples on it in the background. The tall lady, too, we had gazed on, lost in raptures of admiration, many and many a time, how different people do look by daylight, and without punch to be sure. It was a beautiful duet. Then the small gentleman asked a question, and then the tall lady answered it. Then the small gentleman and the tall lady sang together most melodiously. Then the small gentleman went through a little piece of vehemence by himself, and got very tenor indeed in the excitement of his feelings, to which the tall lady responded in a similar manner. Then the small gentleman had a shake or two, after which the tall lady had the same, and then they both merged imperceptibly into the original air, and the band wound themselves up to a pitch of fury, and the small gentleman handed the tall lady out, and the applause was rapturous. The comic singer, however, was the special favourite. We really thought that a gentleman with his dinner in a pocket-hankerchief, who stood near us, would have fainted with excess of joy, a marvellously facetious gentleman that comic singer is. His distinguishing characteristics are a wig approaching to the flaxen, and an aged countenance, and he bears the name of one of the English counties if we recollect right. He sang a very good song about the seven ages, the first half hour of which afforded the assembly the purest delight, of the rest we can make no report, as we did not stay to hear any more. We walked about, and met with a disappointment at every turn. Our favourite views were mere patches of paint, the fountain that had sparkled so showily by lamplight, presented very much the appearance of a water pipe that had burst. All the ornaments were dingy, and all the walks gloomy. There was a spectral attempt at rope dancing in the little open theatre. The sun shone upon the spangled dresses of the performers, and their evolutions were about as inspiring and appropriate as a country dance in a family vault. So we retraced our steps to the firework ground, and mingled with the little crowd of people who were contemplating Mr Green. Some half-dozen men were restraining the impetuosity of one of the balloons, which was completely filled, and had the car already attached, and as rumours had gone abroad that her lord was going up, the crowd were more than usually anxious and talkative. There was one little man, in faded black, with a dirty face, and a rusty black neckerchief, with a red border, tied in a narrow wisp round his neck, who entered into conversation with everybody, and had something to say upon every remark that was made within his hearing. He was standing with his arms folded, staring up at the balloon, and every now and then vented his feelings of reverence for the Aeronaut, by saying, as he looked round to catch somebody's eye, He's a Roman, is Green. Think of this here, being upwards of his two hundredth assent. Ikod, the man, as is equal to Green, never had the toothache yet, nor won't have within this hundred year, and that's all about it. When you meet with real talent and native too, encourage it, that's what I say, and when he had delivered himself to this effect, he would fold his arms with more determination than ever, and stare at the balloon, with the sort of admiring defiance of any other man alive, beyond himself and Green, that impressed the crowd, with the opinion that he was an oracle. Ah, your very right, sir, said another gentleman with his wife, and children, and mother, and wife, sister, and a host of female friends, in all the gentility of white pocket handkerchiefs, frills, and spences. Mr. Green is a steady hand, sir, and there's no fear about him. Fear, said the little man. Isn't it a lovely thing to see him and his wife going up in one balloon, and his own son, and his wife jostling up against them in another, and all of them going twenty or thirty miles in three hours or so, and then coming back in potch-eye-sees? I don't know where this here science is to stop mind you, that's what bothers me. Here there was a considerable talking among the females in the spences. What's the lader's laughing at, sir, inquired the little man, condescendingly? It's only my sister Mary, said one of the girls, as says she hopes his lordship won't be frightened when he's in the car, and want to come out again. Make yourself easy about that, there, my dear, replied the little man. If he was so much as to move an inch without leave, Green would just fetch him a crack over their head with the telescope, as would send him into the bottom of the basket in no time, and stun him till they come down again. Would he, though, inquired the other man? Yes, would he, replied the little one, and think nothing of it neither, if he was the king himself, Green's presence of mind is wonderful. Just at this moment all eyes were directed to the preparations which were being made for starting. The car was attached to the second balloon. The two were brought pretty close together, and the military band commenced playing, with the zeal and fervour which would render the most timid man in existence, but too happy to accept any means of quitting that particular spot of earth on which they were stationed. Then Mr. Green, Sen, and his noble companion, entered one car, and Mr. Green, Jun, and his companion the other, and then the balloons went up, and the aerial travellers stood up, and the crowd outside roared with delight, and the two gentlemen, who had never ascended before, tried to wave their flags as if they were not nervous, but held on very fast all the while, and the balloons were wafty gently away, our little friend solemnly protesting, long after they were reduced to mere specs in the air, that he could still distinguish the white hat of Mr. Green. The gardens disgorged their multitudes, boys ran up and down, screaming, Balloon! And in all the crowd, thorough fares, people rushed out of their shops into the middle of the road, and having stared up in the air at two little black objects till they almost dislocated their necks, wore slowly in again, perfectly satisfied. The next day there was a grand account of the ascent in the morning papers, and the public were informed how it was the finest day but for in Mr. Green's remembrance, how they retained sight of the earth till they lost it behind the clouds, and how the reflection of the balloon on the undulating masses of vapor was gorgeously picturesque, together with a little science about the refraction of the sun's rays and some mysterious hints respecting atmospheric heat and eddying currents of air. There was also an interesting account how a man in a boat was distinctly heard by Mr. Green, Jun, to explain, my eye, which Mr. Green, Jun, attributed to his voice rising to the balloon, and the sound being thrown back from its surface into the car, and the whole concluded with a slight allusion to another ascent next Wednesday, all of which was very instructive and very amusing, as our readers will see if they look to the papers. If we have forgotten to mention the date, they will only have to wait till next summer, and take the account of the first ascent, and it will answer the purpose equally well. End of Chapter 14 of Scenes from Sketches by Boz. Chapter 15 of Scenes from Sketches by Boz. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Sketches by Boz by Charles Dickens. Illustrations by George Cruickshank. Chapter 15 of Scenes. Early Coaches. We have often wondered how many months incessant traveling in a post-chase it would take to kill a man. And wondering by analogy, we should very much like to know how many months of constant traveling in a succession of early coaches an unfortunate mortal could endure. Breaking a man alive upon the wheel would be nothing to breaking his rest, his peace, his heart, everything but his fast upon four, and the punishment of Ixian, the only practical person, by the way, who has discovered the secret of the perpetual motion, would sink into utter insignificance before the one we have suggested. If we had been a powerful churchman in those good times when blood was shed as freely as water, and men were mowed down like grass in the sacred cause of religion, we would have lain by very quietly till we got hold of some especially obstinate miscreant who positively refused to be converted to our faith, and then we would have booked him for an inside place in a small coach, which travelled day and night, and securing the remainder of the places for stout men with a slight tendency to coughing and spitting. We would have started him forth on his last travels, leaving him mercilessly to all the tortures which the waiters, landlords, coachmen, guards, boots, chambermaids, and other familiars on his line of road might think proper to inflict, who has not experienced the miseries inevitably consequent upon a summons to undertake a hasty journey. You receive an intimation from your place of business, wherever that may be, or whatever you may be, that it will be necessary to leave town without delay. You and your family are forthwith thrown into a state of tremendous excitement, and express is immediately dispatched to the washer-womans. Everybody is in a bustle, and you, yourself, for the feeling of dignity which you cannot altogether conceal, sally forth to the booking-office to secure your place. Here, a painful consciousness of your own unimportance first rushes on your mind. The people are as cool and collected as if nobody were going out of town, or as if a journey of a hundred-odd miles were a mere nothing. You enter a mouldy-looking room, ornamented with large posting-bills. The greater part of the place enclosed behind a huge, lumbering, rough counter, and fitted up with recesses that look like the dens of the smaller animals in a travelling menagerie without the bars. Some half-dozen people are booking brown paper parcels, which one of the clerks flings into the aforesaid recesses with an air of rectus-ness which you, remembering the new carpet-bag you bought in the morning, feel considerably annoyed at. Porters looking like so many atlases keep rushing in and out with large packages on their shoulders, and while you are waiting to make the necessary inquiries, you wonder what on earth the booking-office clerks can have been before they were booking-office clerks. One of them, with his pen behind his ear and his hands behind him, is standing in front of the fire like a full-length portrait of Napoleon. The other, with his hat half off his head, enters the passengers' names in the books with a coolness which is inexpressibly provoking. And the villain whistles, actually whistles, while a man asks him what the fare is outside all the way to Holyhead in frosty weather too. They are clearly an isolated race, evidently possessing no sympathies of feeling in common with the rest of mankind. Your turns comes at last, and having paid the fare, you tremblingly inquire, what time will it be necessary for me to be here in the morning? Six o'clock, replies the whistler, carelessly pitching the sovereign you've just parted with into a wooden bowl on the desk. Rather, before than after, adds the man with the semi-roasted unmentionables, with just as much ease and complacency as if the whole world got out of bed at five. You turn into the street, ruminating as you bend your steps homeward on the extent to which men become hardened in cruelty by custom. If there be one thing in existence more miserable than another, it most unquestionably is the being compelled to rise by candlelight. If ever you doubted the fact, you are painfully convinced of your error on the morning of your departure. You've left strict orders overnight to be called at half-past four, and you have done nothing all night but doze for five minutes at a time, and start up suddenly from a terrific dream of a large church-clock, with a small hand running round with astonishing rapidity to every figure on the dial plate. At last, completely exhausted, you fall gradually into a refreshing sleep, your thoughts grow confused. The stagecoaches, which have been going off before your eyes all night, become less and less distinct, until they go off altogether. One moment, you are driving with all the skill and smartness of an experienced whip, the next you are exhibiting Allat du Cro on the off-leader, and on you are closely muffled up inside, and have just recognized in the person of the garden old school fellow, whose funeral, even in your dream, you remember to have attended eighteen years ago. At last, you fall into a state of complete oblivion, from which you are aroused, as if into a new state of existence, by a singular illusion. You are a reprentice to a trunk-maker, ha, or why, or when, or wherefore, you don't take the trouble or inquire, but there you are, pasting the lining in the lid of a portmanteau, confound that other apprentice in the back shop, how he's hammering, wrap, wrap, wrap, what an industrious fellow he must be. You've heard him at work for half an hour past, and he has been hammering incessantly the whole time. Wrap, wrap, wrap again. He's talking now. What's that he said? Five o'clock. You make a violent exertion and start up in bed. The vision is at once dispelled. The trunk-maker's shop is your own bedroom, and the other apprentice, your shivering servant, who's been vainly endeavouring to wake you for the last quarter of an hour, at the imminent risk of breaking either his own knuckles or the panels of the door. You proceed to dress yourself with all possible dispatch. The flaring, flat candle with the long snuff gives light enough to show that the things you want are not where they ought to be, and you undergo a trifling delay in consequence of having carefully packed up one of your boots in your over-anxiety of the preceding night. You soon complete your toilet, however, for you are not particular on such an occasion and you shaved yesterday evening. So mounting your petition greatcoat in green travelling shawl, and grasping your carpet bag in your right hand, you walk lightly downstairs, lest you should awaken any of the family, and after pausing in the common sitting-room for one instant, just to have a cup of coffee, the said common sitting-room looking remarkably comfortable with everything out of its place and strewed with the crumbs of last night's supper, you undo the chain and bolts of the street-door and find yourself fairly in the street. A thaw by all that is miserable, the frost is completely broken up. You look down the long perspective of Oxford Street, the gas-lights mournfully reflected on the wet pavement, and can discern no speck in the road to encourage the belief that there is a cab or a coach to be had. The very coachmen have gone home in despair. The cold sleet is drizzling down with that gentle regularity which potokens a duration of four and twenty hours at least. The damp hangs upon the house-stops and lampposts and clings to you like an invisible cloak. The water is coming in in every area. The pipes have burst, the water-butts are running over, the kennels seem to be doing matches against time, pump-handles descend of their own accord, horses in market carts fall down and there's no one to help them up again. Policemen look as if they have been carefully sprinkled with powdered glass. Here and there a milkwoman trudges slowly along with a bit of list round each foot to keep her from slipping. Boys who don't sleep in the house and are not allowed much sleep out of it can't wake their masters by thundering at the shop door and cry with the cold. The compound of ice, snow and water on the pavement is a couple of inches thick. Nobody ventures to walk fast to keep himself warm and nobody could succeed in keeping himself warm if he did. It strikes a quarter past five as you trudge down Waterloo Place on your way to the Golden Cross and you discover for the first time that you were called about an hour too early. You have not time to go back, there is no place open to go into and you have therefore no resource but to go forward, which you do, being remarkably satisfied with yourself and everything about you. You arrive at the office and look wistfully up the yard for the Birmingham High Flyer, which, for ought you can see, may have flown away altogether for no preparations appear to be on foot for the departure of any vehicle in the shape of a coach. You wander into the booking office, which, with the gas lights and a blazing fire, looks quite comfortable by contrast, that is to say if any place can look comfortable at half past five on a winter's morning. There stands the identical bookkeeper in the same position as if he had not moved since you saw him yesterday, as he informs you that the coach is up at the yard and will be brought round in about a quarter of an hour, you leave your bag and repair to the tap, not with any absurd idea of warming yourself because you feel such a result to be utterly hopeless, but for the purpose of procuring some hot brandy and water, which you do, when the kettle boils, an event which occurs exactly two minutes and a half before the time fixed for the starting of the coach. The first stroke of six peels from St Martin's Church Steeple just as you take the first sip of the boiling liquid. You'll find yourself at the booking office in two seconds and the tap waiter finds himself much comforted by your brandy and water in about the same period. The coach is out, the horses are in, and the guard and two or three porters are stowing the luggage away and running up the steps of the booking office and down the steps of the booking office with breathless rapidity. The place, which a few moments ago was so still and quiet, is now all bustle, and early vendors of the morning papers have arrived, and you are assailed on all sides with shouts of times, gentlemen, times. Here, crunk, crunk, crunk, ere old mum, highly interested murder, gentlemen. Curious case, so breach it a promise, ladies. The inside passengers are already in their dens, and the outsides, with the exception of yourself, are pacing up and down the pavement to keep themselves warm. They consist of two young men with very long hair, to which the sleet has communicated the appearance of crystallized rats' tails, one thin young woman, cold and peevish, one old gentleman ditto ditto, and something in a cloak and cap intended to represent a military officer. Every member of the party, with a large stiff shawl over his chin, looking exactly as if you were playing a set of pans' pipes. Take off the cloths, Bob, says the coachman, who now appears for the first time in a rough blue great coat, of which the buttons behind are so far apart that you can't see them both at the same time. Now, gentlemen, cries the guard, with the waybill in his hand, five minutes by in time already. Up jump the passengers, the two young men smoking like lime kilns, and the old gentleman grumbling audibly. The thin young woman is got up on the roof, by dint of a great deal of pulling and pushing and helping and trouble, and she repays it by expressing her solemn conviction that she will never be able to get down again. All right, sings out the guard at last, jumping up as the coach starts and blowing his horn directly afterwards in proof of the soundness of his wind. Let him go, Harry, give him their heads, cries the coachman, and off we start as briskly as if the morning were all right as well as the coach, and looking forward as anxiously to the termination of our journey as we fear our readers will have done long since to the conclusion of our paper. End of Chapter 15 of Scenes from Sketches by Boz Chapter 16 of Scenes from Sketches by Boz This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org Sketches by Boz by Charles Dickens Illustrations by George Crookshank Chapter 16 of Scenes Omnibuses It is very generally allowed that public conveyances afford an extensive field for amusement and observation. Of all the public conveyances that have been constructed since the days of the Ark, we think that is the earliest on record. To the present time, commend us to an omnibus. A long stage is not to be despised, but there you have only six insides, and the chances are that the same people will go all the way with you. There is no change, no variety. Besides, after the first 12 hours or so, people get cross and sleepy, and when you have seen a man in his nightcap, you lose all respect for him. At least, that is the case with us. Then on smooth roads, people frequently get prosy and tell long stories, and even those who don't talk may have very unpleasant Fred elections. We once travelled 400 miles inside a stagecoach with a stout man who had a glass of rum and water, warm, handed in at the window, at every place where we changed horses. This was decidedly unpleasant. We have also travelled occasionally with a small boy of a pale aspect with light hair and no perceptible neck coming up to town from school under the protection of the guard and directed to be left at the cross keys till called for. This is, perhaps, even worse than rum and water in a close atmosphere. Then there is the whole train of evils consequent on a change of the coachman and the misery of the discovery which the guard is sure to make the moment you begin to doze, that he wants a brown paper parcel which he distinctly remembers to have deposited under the seat on which you were reposing. A great deal of hustling groping takes place and when you are thoroughly awakened and severely cramped by holding your legs up by almost a supernatural exertion while he is looking behind them it suddenly occurs to him that he put it in the fore boot. Bang goes the door. The parcel is immediately found. Off starts the coach again and the guard plays the key bugle as loud as he can play it as if in mockery of your wretchedness. Now you meet with none of these afflictions in an omnibus sameness that can never be. The passengers change as often in the course of one journey as the figures in a kaleidoscope and though not so glittering are far more amusing. We believe there is no instance on record of a man having gone to sleep in one of these vehicles. As to long stories would any man venture to tell a long story in an omnibus and even if he did where would be the harm? Nobody could possibly hear what he was talking about. Again children though occasionally are not often to be found in an omnibus and even when they are if the vehicle be full as is generally the case somebody sits upon them and we are unconscious of their presence. Yes after mature reflection and considerable experience we are decidedly of opinion that have all known vehicles from the glass coach in which we were taken to be christened to that somber caravan in which we must one day make our last earthly journey there is nothing like an omnibus. We will back the machine in which we make our daily perignation from the top of oxford street to the city against any bus on the road whether it be for the gaudiness of its exterior the perfect simplicity of its interior or the native coolness of its cad. This young gentleman is a singular instance of self-devotion his somewhat intemperate zeal on behalf of his employers is constantly getting him into trouble and occasionally into the house of correction he is no sooner emancipated however than he resumes the duties of his profession with unabated ardour his principal distinction is his activity his great boast is that he can chuck an old gentleman into the bus shut him in and rattle off before he knows where it's going to a feat which he frequently performs to the infinite amusement of everyone but the old gentleman concerned who somehow or other never can see the joke of the thing we are not aware that it has ever been precisely ascertained how many passengers our omnibus will contain the impression on the cad's mind evidently is that it is amply sufficient for the accommodation of any number of persons that can be enticed into it any room cries a hot pedestrian plenty of room sir replies the conductor gradually opening the door and not disclosing the real state of the case until the wretched man is on the steps where inquires the entrapped individual with an attempt to back out again either side sir rejoins the cad shoving him in and slamming the door all right bill retreat is impossible the newcomer rolls about till he falls down somewhere and there he stops as we get into the city a little before 10 four or five of our party are regular passengers we always take them up at the same places and they generally occupy the same seats they are always dressed in the same manner and invariably discuss the same topics the increasing rapidity of cabs and the disregard of moral obligations evinced by omnibus men there is a little testy old man with a powdered head who always sits on the right hand side of the door as you enter with his hands folded on the top of his umbrella he is extremely impatient and sits there for the purpose of keeping a sharp eye on the cat with whom he generally holds a running dialogue he is very officious in helping people in and out and always volunteers to give the cat a poke with his umbrella when anyone wants to alight he usually recommends ladies to have sixpence ready to prevent delay and if anybody puts a window down that he can reach he immediately puts it up again now what are you stopping for says the little man every morning the moment there is the slightest indication of pulling up at the corner of regent street when some such dialogue as the following takes place between him and the cat what are you stopping for hear the cat whistles and affects not to hear the question I say a poke what are you stopping for for passengers sir bank tea I know you're stopping for passengers but you've no business to do so why are you stopping vice sir that's a difficult question I think it is because we prefer stopping here to going on now mind exclaims the old man with great vehemence I'll pull you up tomorrow I've often threatened to do it now I will thank you sir replies the cat touching his hat with a mock expression of gratitude very much obliged to you indeed sir hear the young men in the omnibus laugh very heartily and the old gentleman gets very red in the face and seems highly exasperated the stout gentleman in the white neckloth at the other end of the vehicle looks very prophetic and says that something must shortly be done with these fellows or there's no saying where all this will end and the shabby genteel man with the green bag expresses his entire concurrence in the opinion as he has done regularly every morning for the last six months a second omnibus now comes up and stops immediately behind us another old gentleman elevates his cane in the air and runs with all his might towards our omnibus we watch his progress with great interest the door is open to receive him he suddenly disappears he has been spirited away by the opposition here upon the driver of the opposition taunts our people with his having regularly done them out of that old swell and the voice of the old swell is heard vainly protesting against this unlawful detention we rattle off the other omnibus rattles after us and every time we stop to take up a passenger they stop to take him too sometimes we get him sometimes they get him but whoever don't get him say they ought to have had him and the cans of the respective vehicles abuse one another accordingly as we arrive in the vicinity of Lincoln's Inn Fields Bedford Row and other legal haunts we drop a great many of our original passengers and take up fresh ones who meet with a very silky reception it is rather remarkable that the people already in an omnibus always look at newcomers as if they entertain some undefined idea that they have no business to come in at all we are quite persuaded the little old man has some notion of this kind and that he considers their entry as a sort of negative impertinence conversation is now entirely dropped each person gazes vacantly through the window in front of him and everybody thinks that his opposite neighbour is staring at him if one man gets out at Shoe Lane and another at the corner of Farringdon Street the little old gentleman grumbles and suggests to the latter that if he had got out at Shoe Lane too he would have saved them a delay of another stoppage whereupon the young men laugh again and the old gentleman looks very solemn and says nothing more till he gets to the bank where he trots off as fast as he can leaving us to do the same and to wish as we walk away that we could impart to others any portion of the amusement we had gained for ourselves all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org recording by Andy Menter sketches by Boz by Charles Dickens illustrations by George Crookshank Chapter 17 of Scenes The Last Cab Driver and the First Omnibus Cad Of all the cabriolet drivers whom we have ever had the honour and gratification of knowing by sight and our acquaintance in this way has been most extensive there is one who made an impression on our mind which can never be effaced and who awakened in our bosom a feeling of admiration and respect which we entertain a fatal presentiment will never be called forth again by any human being he was a man of most simple and pre-possessing appearance he was a brown, whiskered, white-hatted, no-coated cabman his nose was generally red and his bright blue eye not unfrequently stood out in bold relief against a black border of artificial workmanship his boots were of the Wellington form pulled up to meet his corduroy knee-smalls or at least to approach as near them as their dimensions would admit of and his neck was usually garnished with a bright yellow handkerchief in summer he carried in his mouth a flower in winter a straw slight but to a contemplative mind certain indications of a love of nature and a taste for botany his cabriolet was gorgeously painted a bright red and wherever we went city or west end Paddington or Holloway north east west or south there was the red cab bumping up against the posts at the street corners and turning in and out among hackney coaches and trays and carts and wagons and omnibuses and contriving by some strange means or other to get out of places which no other vehicle but the red cab could ever by any possibility have contrived to get into at all our fondness for that red cab was unbounded how we should have liked to have seen it in the circle at Astleys our life upon it that it should have performed such evolutions as would have put the whole company to shame Indian chiefs knights swiss peasants and all some people object to the exertion of getting into cabs and others object to the difficulty of getting out of them we think both these are objections which take their rise in perverse and ill conditioned minds the getting into a cab is a very pretty and graceful process which when well performed is essentially melodramatic first there is the expressive pantomime of every one of the 18 cabmen on the stand the moment you raise your eyes from the ground then there is your own pantomime in reply quite a little ballet four cabs immediately leave the stand for your special accommodation and the evolutions of the animals who draw them are beautiful in the extreme as they grate the wheels of the cabs against the curbstones and sport playfully in the kennel you single out a particular cab and dart swiftly towards it one bound and you are on the first step turn your body lightly round to the right and you're on the second bend gracefully beneath the reins working round to the left at the same time and you are in the cab there is no difficulty in finding a seat the apron knocks you comfortably into it at once and off you go the getting out of a cab is perhaps rather more complicated in its theory and a shade more difficult in its execution we have studied the subject a great deal and we think the best way is to throw yourself out and trust the chance for a lighting on your feet if you make the driver a light first and then throw yourself upon him you will find that he breaks your fall materially in the event of your contemplating an offer of eight pence on no account make the tender or show the money until you are safely on the pavement it is very bad policy attempting to save the four pence you are very much in the power of a cabman and he considers it a kind of fee not to do you any willful damage any instruction however in the art of getting out of a cab is wholly unnecessary if you're going any distance because the probability is you will be shot lightly out before you have completed the third mile we are not aware of any instance on record in which a cab horse has performed three consecutive miles without going down once what of that it's all excitement and in these days of derangement of the nervous system and universal lassidude people are content to pay handsomely for excitement where can it be procured at a cheaper rate but to return to the red cab it was omnipresent you had but to walk down hoban or fleet street or any of the principal thoroughfares in which there is a great deal of traffic and judge for yourself you had hardly turned into the street when you saw a trunk or two lying on the ground an uprooted post a hat box a portmanteau and a carpet bag strewed about in a very picturesque manner a horse in a cab standing by looking about him with great unconcern and a crowd shouting and screaming with delight cooling their flushed faces against the glass windows of a chemist shop uh what's the matter here can you tell me only a cab sir anybody hurt do you know only the fair sir i'll see him turn in the corner and i'll say to another gentleman that's a regular little loss that and he's coming along right the sweet any he just is says the other gentleman then bump that comes again the post and out flies the fair light breaks need we say it was the red cab or that the gentleman with the straw in his mouth who emerged so cool live from the chemist shop and philosophically climbing into the little dickie started off at a full gallop was the red cab's licensed driver the ubiquity of this red cab and the influence it exercised over the risible muscles of justice itself was perfectly astonishing you walked into the justice room of the mansion house the whole court resounded with merriment the lord mayor threw himself back in his chair in a state of frantic delight at his own joke every vein in mr hobbler's countenance was swollen with laughter partly at the lord mayor's facetiousness but more at his own the constables and police officers were as in duty bound in ecstasies at mr hobbler and the lord mayor combined and the very paupers glancing respectfully at the beadles countenance tried to smile as even he relaxed at all wheezing faced man with an impediment in his speech would be endeavouring to state a case of imposition against the red cab's driver and the red cab's driver and the lord mayor and mr hobbler would be having a little fun among themselves to the inordinate delight of everybody but the complainant in the end justice would be so tickled with the red cab's native humour that the fine would be mitigated and he would go away full gallop in the red cab to impose on somebody else without loss of time the driver of the red cab confident in the strength of his own moral principles like many other philosophers was want to set the feelings and opinion of society at complete defiance generally speaking perhaps he would as soon carry a fair safely to his destination as he would upset him sooner perhaps because in that case he not only got the money but had the additional amusement of running along a heat against some smart rival but society made war upon him in the shape of penalties and he must make war upon society in his own way this was the reasoning of the red cab driver so he bestowed a searching look upon the fair as he put his hand in his waistcoat pocket when he had gone the half-mile to get the money ready and if he brought forth eight pence out he went the last time we saw our friend was one wet evening in Tottenham Court Road when he was engaged in a very warm and somewhat personal altercation with a loquacious little gentleman in a green coat poor fellow there were great excuses to be made for him he had not received about 18 pence more than his fare and consequently labored under a great deal of very natural indignation the dispute had attained a pretty considerable height when at last the loquacious little gentleman making a mental calculation of the distance and finding that he had already paid more than he ought avowed his unalterable determination to pull up for Gadman in the morning now just mark this young man said the little gentleman I'll pull you up tomorrow morning nah will you though said our friend with a sneer I will replied the little gentleman mark my words that's all if I live to tomorrow morning you shall repent this there was a steadiness of purpose an indignation of speech about the little gentleman as he took an angry pinch of snuff after this last declaration which made a visible impression on the mind of the red cab driver he appeared to hesitate for an instant it was only for an instant his resolve was soon taken you pull me up will ya said our friend I will rejoined the little gentleman with even greater vehemence than before yeah very well said our friend tucking up his shirt sleeves very calmly there'll be three weeks for that very good that will bring me up to the middle of next month four weeks more would carry me on to my birthday and then I've got ten pan to draw a might as well get bored lodging and washing till then at the county as pay for it myself consequently there goes so without more ado the red cab driver knocked the little gentleman down and then called the police to take himself into custody with all the civility in the world the story is nothing without the sequel and therefore we may state that to our certain knowledge the board lodging and washing were all provided in due course we happen to know the fact for it came to our knowledge thus we went over to the house of correction for the county of Middlesex shortly after to witness the operation of the silent system and looked on all the wheels with the greatest anxiety in search of our long-lost friend he was nowhere to be seen however and we began to think that the little gentleman in the green coat must have relented when as we were traversing the kitchen garden which lies in a sequestered part of the prison we were startled by hearing of voice which apparently proceeded from the wall pouring forth its soul in the plaintive air of all round my hat which was then just beginning to form a recognized portion of our national music we started what voice is that said we the governor shook his head sad fellow he replied very sad he positively refused to work upon the wheel so after many trials i was compelled to order him into solitary confinement he says he likes it very much though and i'm afraid he does for he lies on his back on the floor and sings comic songs all day shall we add that our heart had not deceived us and that the comic singer was no other than our eagerly sought friend the red cab driver we have never seen him since but we have strong reason to suspect that this noble individual was a distant relative of a waterman of our acquaintance who on one occasion when we were passing the coach stand over which he presides after standing very quietly to see a tall man struggle into a cab ran up very briskly when it was all over as his brethren invariably do and touching his hat asked as a matter of course for a copper for the waterman now the fair was by no means a handsome man and waxing very indignant at the demand he replied money what for coming up and looking at me i suppose tell sir rejoin the waterman with a smile of immovable complacency that's worth tapence the identical waterman afterwards attained a very prominent station in society and as we know something of his life and have often thought of telling what we do know perhaps we shall never have a better opportunity than the present mr william barker then for that was the gentleman's name mr william barker was born but why need we relate where mr william barker was born or when why scrutinize the entries in ferroquial ledgers or seek to penetrate the lucinian mistress of lying in hospitals mr william barker was born or he had never been there is a son there was the father there is an effect there was the cause surely this is sufficient information for the most patty malike curiosity and if it be not we regret our inability to supply any further evidence on the point can there be a more satisfactory or more strictly parliamentary cause impossible with once of our similar inability to record at what precise period or by what particular process this gentleman's patronymic of william barker became corrupted into bill borker mr barker acquired a high standing and no inconsiderable reputation among the members of that profession to which he more peculiarly devoted his energies and to them he was generally known either by the familiar appellation of bill borker or the flattering designation of aggravating bill the latter being a playful and expressive subrice illustrative of mr barker's great talent in aggravating and rendering wild such subjects of her majesty as are conveyed from place to place through the instrumentality of omnibuses of the early life of mr barker little is known and even that little is involved in considerable doubt and obscurity a want of application a restlessness of purpose a thirsting after porter a love of all that is roving and kaja like in nature shared in common with many other great geniuses appear to have been his leading characteristics the busy hum of a parochial free school and the shady repose for county jail were alike inefficacious in producing the slightest alteration in mr barker's disposition his feverish attachment to change and variety nothing could repress his native daring no punishment could subdue if mr barker can be fairly said to have had any weakness in his earlier years it was an amiable one love love in its most comprehensive form a love of ladies liquids and pocket hank achieves it was no selfish feeling it was not confined to his own possessions which but too many men regard with exclusive complacency no it was a noble love a general principle it extended itself with equal force to the property of other people there is something very affecting in this it is still more affecting to know that such philanthropy is but imperfectly rewarded both street newgate and millbank are a poor return for general benevolence evincing itself in an irrepressible love for all created objects mr barker felt it so after lengthened interview with the highest legal authorities he quitted his ungrateful country with the consent and at the expense of its government proceeded to a distant shore and there employed himself like another sensinatus in clearing and cultivating the soil a peaceful pursuit in which a term of seven years glided almost imperceptibly away whether at the expiration of the period we have just mentioned the British government required mr barker's presence here or did not require his residence abroad we have no distinct means of ascertaining we should be inclined however to favor the latter position in as much as we do not find that he was advanced to any other public post on his return than the post at the corner of the hay market where he officiated as assistant waterman to the hackney coachstand seated in this capacity on a couple of tubs near the curbstone with a brass plate and number suspended round his neck by a massive chain and his ankles curiously enveloped in hay-bands he is supposed to have made those observations on human nature which exercised so material and influence over all his proceedings in later life mr barker had not officiated for many months in this capacity when the appearance of the first omnibus caused the public mind to go in a new direction and prevented a great many hackney coaches from going in any direction at all the genius of mr barker at once perceived the whole extent of the injury that would eventually be inflicted on cab and coach stands and by consequence on waterman also by the progress of the system of which the first omnibus was apart he saw too the necessity of adopting some more profitable profession and his active mind at once perceived how much might be done in the way of enticing the youthful and unwary and shoving the old and helpless into the wrong bus and carrying them off until reduced to despair they ransomed themselves by the payment of Sixman's head or to adopt his own figurative expression in all its native beauty till they was wriggly done over and forked out the stampy an opportunity for realizing his fondest anticipations soon presented itself rumors were rife on the hackney coach stands that a bus was building to run from listengrove to the bank down oxford street and hoban and the rapid increase of buses on the Paddington road encouraged the idea mr barker secretly and cautiously inquired in the proper quarters the report was correct the royal william was to make its first journey on the following monday it was a crack affair altogether an enterprising young cabman of established reputation as a dashing whip for he had compromised with the parents of three scrunch children and just worked out his fine for knocking down an old lady was the driver and the spirited proprietor knowing mr barker's qualifications appointed him to the vacant office of cad on the very first application the bus began to run and mr barker entered into a new suit of clothes and on a new sphere of action to recapitulate all the improvements introduced by this extraordinary man into the omnibus system gradually indeed but surely would occupy a far greater space than we are enabled to devote to this imperfect memoir to him is universally assigned the original suggestion of the practice which afterwards became so general of the driver of a second bus keeping constantly behind the first one and driving the pole of his vehicle either into the door of the other every time it was opened or through the body of any lady or gentleman who might make an attempt to get into it the humorous and pleasant invention exhibiting all that originality of idea and fine bold flow of spirits so conspicuous in every action of this great man mr barker had opponents of course what man in public life has not but even his worst enemies cannot deny that he has taken more old ladies and gentlemen to Paddington who wanted to go to the bank and more old ladies and gentlemen to the bank who wanted to go to Paddington than any six men on the road and however much malevolent spirits may pretend to doubt the accuracy of the statement they well know it to be an established fact that he has forcibly conveyed a variety of ancient persons of either sex to both places who had not the slightest or most distant intention of going anywhere at all mr barker was the identical cad who nobly distinguished himself sometimes since by keeping a tradesman on the step the omnibus going at full speed all the time till he had thrashed him to his entire satisfaction and finally throwing him away when he had quite done with him mr barker he'd ought to have been who honestly indignant at being ignominiously ejected from a house of public entertainment kicked the landlord in the knee and thereby caused his death we say it ought to have been mr barker because the action was not a common one and could have emanated from no ordinary mind it has now become a matter of history it is recorded in the new gate calendar and we wish we could attribute this piece of daring heroism to mr barker we regret being compelled to state that it was not performed by him would for the family credit we could add that it was achieved by his brother it was in the exercise of the nicer details of his profession that mr barker's knowledge of human nature was beautifully displayed he could tell at a glance where a passenger wanted to go and would shout the name of the place accordingly without the slightest reference to the real destination of the vehicle he knew exactly the kind of old lady that would be too much flooded by the process of pushing in and pulling out of the caravan to discover where she had been put down until too late had an intuitive perception of what was passing in a passenger's mind when he inwardly resolved to pull out that cad tomorrow morning and never failed to make himself agreeable to female servants whom he would place next to the door to talk to all the way human judgment is never infallible and it would occasionally happen that mr barker experimentalized with the timidity or forbearance of the wrong person in which case a summons to the police office was on more than one occasion followed by a committal to prison it was not in the power of trifles such as these however to subdue the freedom of his spirit as soon as they passed away he resumed the duties of his profession with unabated ardor we have spoken of mr barker and of the red cab driver in the past tense alas mr barker has again become an absentee and the class of men to which they both belonged is fast disappearing improvement has peered beneath the aprons of our cabs and penetrated to the very innermost recesses of our omnibuses dirt and fustion will vanish before cleanliness and livery slang will be forgotten when civility becomes general and that enlightened eloquent sage and profound body the magistracy of london will be deprived of half their amusement and half their occupation end of chapter 17 of scenes chapter 18 a parliamentary sketch we hope our readers will not be alarmed at this rather ominous title we assure them that we are not about to become political neither have we the slightest intention of being more prosy than usual if we can help it it has occurred to us that a slight sketch of the general aspect of the house and the crowds that resort to it on the night of an important debate would be productive of some amusement and as we have made some few calls at the aforesaid house in our time have visited it quite enough for our purpose and the great deal too often for our personal peace and comfort we have determined to attempt the description dismissing from our minds therefore all that feeling of awe which vague ideas of reaches of privilege sergeants at arms heavy denunciations and still heavier fees are calculated to awaken we enter at once into the building and upon our subject half past four o'clock and at five the mover of the address will be on his legs as the newspapers announced sometimes by way of novelty as if speakers were occasionally in the habit of standing on their heads the members are pouring in one after another in shows the few spectators who can obtain standing room in the passages scrutinize them as they pass with the utmost interest and the man who can identify a member occasionally becomes a person of great importance every now and then you hear earnest whispers of that sir john thompson which then with the guilt order round his neck no no that's one of the messengers that other with the yellow gloves is sir john thompson here's mr smith law yes how do you do sir he's our new member how do you do sir mr smith stops turns around with an air of enchanting urbanity for the rumor of an intended dissolution has been very extensively circulated this morning seizes both the hands of his gratified constituent and after greeting him with the most enthusiastic warmth darts into the lobby with an extraordinary display of ardour in the public cause leaving an immense impression in his favour on the mind of his fellow townsmen the arrivals increase in number and the heat and noise increase in very unpleasant proportion the livery servants form a complete lane on either side of the passage and you reduce yourself into the smallest possible space to avoid being turned out you see that stout man with the horse voice in the blue coat queer crowned broad brimmed hat white corduroy britches and great boots who has been talking incessantly for half an hour past and whose importance has occasioned no small quantity of mirth among the strangers that is the great conservator of the piece of west minster you cannot fail to have remarked the grace with which he saluted the noble lord who passed just now for the excessive dignity of his heir as he expostulates with the crowd he's rather out of temper now in consequence of the very irreverent behaviour of those two young fellows behind him who have done nothing but laugh all the time they have been here when they divide tonight do you think uh mr but it timidly inquires a little thin man in the crowd hoping to conciliate the man of office how can you ask such question sir replies the functionary in an incredibly loud key and pettishly grasping the thick stick he carries in his right hand pray do not sir i beg of you pray do not sir the little man looks remarkably out of his element and the only initiated part of the throng are in positive convulsions of laughter just at this moment some unfortunate individual appears with a very smirking air at the bottom of the long passage he has managed to elude the vigilance of the special constable downstairs and is evidently congratulating himself on having made his way so far go back sir you must not come here shouts the horse one with tremendous emphasis of voice and gesture the moment the offender catches his eye the stranger pauses do you hear sir will you go back continues the official dignitary gently pushing the intruder some half dozen yards come don't push me replies the stranger turning angrily around i will sir you're right sir get out sir take your hands off me sir go out of the passage sir you're a jacket office sir oh what ejaculates he of the boots a jacket office sir and a very insolent villain reiterates the stranger now completely in a passion pray do not force me to put you out sir retorts the other pray do not that my instructions are to keep this passage clear it's the speaker's order sir damn the speaker sir shouts the intruder here wilson collins gasps the officer actually paralyzed at this insulting expression which in his mind is all but high treason take this man out take him out i say how dare you sir and down goes the unfortunate man five stairs at a time turning round at every stoppage to come back again and denouncing bitter vengeance against the commander-in-chief and all his supernumeraries make way gentlemen pray make way for the members i make of you shouts the tell us officer turning back and preceding a whole string of the liberal and independent you see this ferocious looking gentleman with a complexion almost as shallow as his linen and whose large black moustache would give him the appearance of a figure in a hairdresser's window if his countenance possessed the thought which is communicated to those waxen caricatures of the human face divine he is a militia officer and the most amusing person in the house can anything be more exquisitely observed than the burlesque grandeur of his air as he strides up to the lobby his eyes rolling like those of a turks head and a cheap dutch clock he never appears without that bundle of dirty papers which he carries under his left arm and which are generally supposed to be the miscellaneous estimates for 1804 or some equally important documents he is very punctual in his attendance at the house and his self-satisfied ha ha is not unfrequently the signal for a general titter this is the gentleman who once actually sent a messenger up to the stranger's gallery in the old house of commons to inquire the name of an individual who was using an eyeglass in order that he might complain to the speaker that the person in question was quizzing him on another occasion he is reported to have repaired to bellamy's kitchen a refreshment room where persons who are not members are admitted on sufferance as it were and perceiving two or three gentlemen at supper who he was aware were not members and could not in that place very well resent his behavior he indulged in the pleasantry of sitting with his booted leg on the table at which they were supping he is generally harmless though and always amusing by dint of patience and some little interest with our friend the constable we have contrived to make our way to the lobby and you can just manage to catch an occasional glimpse of the house as the door is opened for the admission of members it is tolerably full already and little groups of members are congregated together here discussing the interesting topics of the day that smart looking fellow in the black coat with velvet facings and cuffs who wears his dossier hat so reckishly he is honest tom a metropolitan representative and the large man in the cloak with the white lining not the man by the pillar the other with the light hair hanging over his coat collar behind is his colleague the quiet gentlemanly looking man in the blue surto gray trousers white neck chief and gloves whose closely buttoned coat displays his manly figure and broad chest a great advantage is a very well known character he has fought a great many battles in his time and conquered like the heroes of old with no other arms than those the gods gave him the old hard featured man who is standing near him is really a good specimen of a class of men now nearly extinct he is a country member and has been from time where off the memory of man is not to the contrary look at his loose wide brown coat with capacious pockets on each side the knee britches and boots the immensely long waistcoat and silver watch chain dangling below it the wide brim brown hat and the white handkerchief tied in a great bow with straggling ends sticking out beyond his shirt trail it is a costume one seldom sees nowadays and when the few who wear it have died off it will be quite extinct he can tell you long stories of fox pit sherrydon and canning and how much better the house was managed in those times when they used to get up at eight or nine o'clock except on regular field days of which everybody was apprised beforehand he has a great contempt for all young members of parliament and thinks it quite impossible that a man can say anything worth hearing unless he has sat in the house for fifteen years at least without saying anything at all he is of opinion that that young mccally was a regular imposter he allows that lord stanley may do something one of these days but he's too young sir are too young he's an excellent authority on points of precedent and when he grows talkative after his wine we'll tell you how sir somebody something when he was whippering for the government brought four men out of their beds to vote in the majority three of whom died on their way home again how the house once divided on the question that fresh candles be now brought in how the speaker was once upon a time left in the chair by accident at the conclusion of business and was obliged to sit in the house by himself for three hours till some member could be knocked up and brought back again to move the adjournment and a great many other anecdotes of a similar description there he stands leaning on his stick looking at the throng of ex-visits around him with most profound contempt and conjuring up before his mind's eye the scenes he beheld in the old house and days gone by when his own feelings were fresher and brighter and when as he imagines wit talent and patriotism flourished more brightly too you're curious to know who that young man in the rough great coat is who has accosted every member who has entered the house since we have been standing here he's not a member he's only a hereditary bondsman or in other words an Irish correspondent of an Irish newspaper who has just procured his 42nd Frank from a member whom he never saw in his life before there he goes again another bless the man he has his hat and pockets full already we will try our fortune at the strangers gallery though the nature of the debate encourages very little hope of success what on earth are you about holding up your order as if it were a talisman at whose command the wicket would fly open nonsense just preserve the order for an autograph if it be worth keeping at all and make your appearance at the door with your thumb and forefinger expressively inserted in your waistcoat pocket this tall stout man in black is the doorkeeper any room or not an inch totally dozen gentlemen waiting downstairs on the chance of somebody's going out pull out your purse are you quite sure there's no room oh go and look replies the doorkeeper with a wistful glance at your purse but i'm afraid there's not he returns and with real feeling assures you that it is morally impossible to get near the gallery it is no use waiting when you are refused admission into the stranger's gallery at the house of commons under such circumstances you may return home thoroughly satisfied that the place must be remarkably full indeed retracing our steps through the long passage descending the stairs and crossing palace yard we halt at a small temporary doorway adjoining the king's entrance to the house of lords the order of the sergeant at arms will admit you into the reporter's gallery from whence you can obtain a tolerably good view of the house take care of the stairs they're none of the best though through this little wicket there as soon as your eyes become a little used to the mist of the place and the glare of the chandeliers below you you will see that some unimportant personage on the ministerial side of the house to your right hand is speaking amidst a hum of voices and confusion which would rival babel but for the circumstance of it being all in one language the here here which occasioned that laugh proceeded from our warlike friend with the moustache he's sitting at the back seat against the wall behind the member who is speaking looking as ferocious and intellectual as usual take one look around you and retire the body of the house and the side galleries are full of members some with their legs on the back of the opposite seat some with theirs stretched out to their utmost length on the floor some going out others coming in all talking laughing lounging coughing oh being questioning or groaning presenting a conglomeration of noise and confusion to be met within no other place in existence not even accepting smithfield on a market day or a cockpit in its glory but let us not admit to notice bellamy's kitchen or in other words the refreshment room common to both houses of parliament where ministerialists and oppositionists wigs and Tories radical peers and destructives strangers from the gallery and the more favored strangers from below the bar are alike at liberty to resort where divers honorable members prove their perfect independence by remaining during the whole of a heavy debate soliciting themselves with the creature comforts and whence they are summoned by whippers in when the house is on the point of dividing either to give their conscientious votes on questions of which they are conscientiously innocent of knowing anything whatever or to find a vent for the playful exuberance of their wine inspired fancies in boisterous shouts of divide occasionally varied with the little howling barking crowing or other regulations of senatorial pleasantry when you have ascended the narrow staircase which in the present temporary house of commons leads to the place we are describing you will probably observe a couple of rooms on your right hand with tables spread for dining neither of these is the kitchen although they are both devoted to the same purpose the kitchen is further on to our left up these half dozen stairs before we ascend the staircase however we must request you to pause in front of this little bar place with the sash windows and beg your particular attention to the steady honest looking old fellow in black who is it so occupant nicolas we do not mind mentioning the old fellow's name for if nicolas be not a public man who is and public men's names are public property nicolas is the butler of bellamese and has held the same place dressed exactly in the same manner and said precisely the same things ever since the oldest of its present visitors can remember an excellent servant nicolas is an unrivaled compounder of salad dressing an admirable preparer of soda water and lemon a special mixer of cold grog and punch and above all an unequal judge of cheese if the old man has such a thing as vanity in his composition this is certainly his pride and if it be possible to imagine that anything in this world could disturb his impenetrable calmness we should say it would be the doubting his judgment on this important point we needn't tell you all this however for if you have an atom of observation one glance at his sleek knowing-looking head and face his prim-white neck-chief with the wooden tie into which it has been regularly folded for twenty years past merging my imperceptible degrees into a small platted shirt-trill and his comfortable-looking form encased in a well-brushed suit of black would give you a better idea of his real character than a column of our poor description could convey nicolas is rather out of his element now he cannot see the kitchen as he used to in the old house there one window of his glass case opened into the room and then for the edification and behoof of more juvenile questioners he would stand for an hour together answering deferential questions about Sheridan and Percival and Castle Ray and heaven knows who beside with manifest delight always inserting a Mr before every commoner's name nicolas like all men of his age and standing has a great idea of the degeneracy of the times he seldom expresses any political opinions but we managed to ascertain just before the passing of the reform bill that nicolas was a thorough reformer what was our astonishment to discover shortly after the meeting of the first reformed parliament that he was a most inveterate and decided Tory it was very odd some men changed their opinions from necessity others from expediency others from inspiration but that nicolas should undergo any change in any respect was an event we had never contemplated and should have considered impossible his strong opinion against the clause which empowered the metropolitan districts to return members to parliament too was perfectly unaccountable we discovered the secret at last metropolitan members always dined at home the rascals as we're giving additional members to Ireland it was even worse decidedly unconstitutional why sir an Irish member would go up there and eat more dinner than three English members put together he took no wine drank table beer by the half gallon and went home to Manchester buildings or mill bank street for his whiskey and water and what was the consequence why the concern lost actually lost sir by his patronage a queer old fellow is nicolas and is completely a part of the building as the house itself we wonder he ever left the old place and fully expected to see in the papers the morning after the fire a pathetic account of an old gentleman in black of decent appearance who was seen at one of the upper windows when the flames were at their height and declared his resolute intention of falling with the floor he must have been got out by force however he was got out here he is again looking as he always does as if he has been in a band box ever since the last session there he is at his old post every night just as we have described him and as characters are scarce and faithful servant scarcer long may he be there say we now when you have taken your seat in the kitchen and duly noticed the large fire and roasting jack at one end of the room the little table for washing glasses and draining jugs at the other the clock over the window opposite st margaret's church the deal tables and wax candles the damask tablecloths and bare floor the plates and china on the tables and the grid on on the fire and a few other anomalies peculiar to the place we will point out to your notice two or three of the people present whose station or absurdities render them the most worthy of remark it is half past twelve o'clock and as the division is not expected for an hour or two a few members are lounging away the time here in preference to standing at the bar of the house or sleeping in one of the side galleries that singularly awkward and ungainly looking man in the brownish white hat with the straggling black trousers which reach about halfway down the leg of his boots who's leaning against the meat screen and apparently deluding himself into the belief that he's thinking about something this a splendid sample of a member of the house of commons concentrating in his own person the wisdom of a constituency observed the wig of a dark hue but indescribable colour for if it be naturally brown it has acquired a black tint by long service and if it be naturally black the same cause has imparted to it a tinge of rusty brown and remark how very materially the great blinker-like spectacles assist the expression of that most intelligent face seriously speaking did you ever see a countenance so expressive of the most hopeless extreme of heavy dullness or behold a form so strangely put together he's no great speaker but when he does address the house the effect is absolutely irresistible the small gentleman with a sharp nose who has just saluted him is a member of parliament an ex-alderman and a sort of amateur fireman he and the celebrated fireman's dog were observed to be remarkably active at the conflagration of the two houses of parliament they both ran up and down and in and out getting under people's feet and into everybody's way fully impressed with the relief that they were doing a great deal of good and barking tremendously the dog went quietly back to his kennel with the engine but the gentleman kept up such an incessant noise for some weeks after the occurrence that he became a positive nuisance as no more parliamentary fires have occurred however and as he has consequently had no more opportunities of writing to the newspapers to relate how by way of preserving pictures he cut them out of their frames and performed other great national services he has gradually relapsed into his old state of calmness that female in black not the one whom the Lord's Day Bill Baronet has just chucked under the chin the short of the two is Jane the heebie of Bellamy's Jane is as great a character as Nicholas in her way her leading features are a thorough contempt for the great majority of her visitors her predominant quality love of admiration as you cannot fail to observe if you mark the glee with which she listens to something the young member near her but as somewhat unintelligibly in her ear for his speech is rather thick from some cause or other and how playful is she digs the handle of a fork into the arm with which he detains her by way of reply Jane is no bad hand at rep parties and showers them about with a degree of liberality and total absence of reserve or constraint which occasionally excites no small amazement in the minds of strangers she cuts jokes with Nicholas too but looks up to him with a great deal of respect the immovable stolidity with which Nicholas receives the aforesaid jokes and looks on at certain pastoral friskings and rompings Jane's only recreations and they are very innocent too which occasionally take place in the passage is not the least amusing part of his character the two persons who are seated at the table in the corner at the farther end of the room have been constant guests here for many years past and one of them feasted within these walls many a time with the most brilliant characters of a brilliant period he has gone up to the other house since then the greater part of his boon companions have shared Yorick's fate and his visits to Bellamy's are comparatively few if he really be eating his supper now at what hour can he possibly have dined the second solid mass of rump steak has disappeared and he ate the first in four minutes and three quarters by the clock over the window was there ever such a personification of full staff mark the air with which he gloats over that stilter as he removes the napkin which has been placed beneath his chin to catch the superfluous gravy of the steak and with what gusto he imbibes the porter which has been fetched expressly for him in the pewter pot listen to the horse sound of that voice kept down as it is by layers of solids and deep draughts of rich wine and tell us if you ever saw such a perfect picture of a regular gourmand and whether he is not exactly the man whom you would pitch upon as having been the partner of Sheridan's parliamentary carouses the volunteer driver of the hackney coach that took him home and the involuntary upsetter of the whole party what an amusing contrast between his voice and appearance and that of the spare squeaking old man who sits at the same table and who elevating a little cracked bantam sort of voice to its highest pitch invokes damnation upon his own eyes or somebody else's that the commencement of every sentence he utters the captain as they call him is a very old frequenter of Bellamy's much addicted to stopping after the house is up and in expiable crime in Jane's eyes and a complete walking reservoir of spirits and water the old peer or rather the old man for his peerages of comparatively recent date has a huge tumbler of hot punch brought him and the other dams and drinks and drinks and dams and smokes members arrive every moment in a great bustle to report that the chancellor of the Exchequer's up and to get glasses of brandy and water to sustain them during the division people who have ordered supper countermanded and prepared to go downstairs when suddenly a bell is heard to ring with tremendous violence and a cry of division is heard in the passage this is enough away rush the members palmel the room is cleared in an instant the noise rapidly dies away you hear the creaking of the last boot on the last stair and are left alone with the leviathan of rump steaks End of Chapter 18 of Scenes from Sketches by Boz Chapter 19 of Scenes from Sketches by Boz This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org Recording by Andy Mentor Sketches by Boz by Charles Dickens Illustrations by George Crookshank Chapter 19 of Scenes Public Dinners All public dinners in London from the Lord Mayor's annual banquet at Guildhall to the chimney sweeper's anniversary at White Cundit House from the goldsmiths to the butchers from the sheriff's to the licensed fitlers are amusing scenes of all entertainments of this description however we think the annual dinner of some public charity is the most amusing at accompanies dinner the people are nearly all alike regular old stages who make it a matter of business and a thing not to be laughed at at a political dinner everybody is disagreeable and inclined to speachify much the same thing by and by but at a charity dinner you see people of all sorts kinds and descriptions the wine may not be remarkably special to be sure and we have heard some hardheaded monsters grumble at the collection but we really think the amusement to be derived from the occasion sufficient to counterbalance even these disadvantages let us suppose you are induced to attend a dinner of this description indigent orphan's friend's benevolent institution we think it is the name of the charity is a line or two longer but never mind the rest you have a distinct recollection however that you purchased a ticket at the solicitation of some charitable friend and you deposit yourself in a hackney coach the driver of which no doubt that you may do the thing in style turns a deaf ear to your earnest entreaties to be set down at the corner of great Queen Street and persists in carrying you to the very door of the Freemasons round which a crowd of people are assembled to witness the entrance of the indigent orphan's friends you hear great speculations as you pay the fare on the possibility of your being the noble lord who is announced to fill the chair on the occasion and are highly gratified to hear it eventually decided that you are only a vocalist the first thing that strikes you on your entrance is the astonishing importance of the committee you observe a door on the first landing carefully guarded by two waiters in and out of which stout gentleman with very red faces keep running with a degree of speed highly unbecoming the gravity of persons of their years and corpulency you pause quite alarmed at the bustle and thinking in your innocence that two or three people must have been carried out of the dining room in fits at least you're immediately undeceived by the waiter upstairs if you please sir this is the committee room upstairs you go accordingly wondering as you mount what the duties of the committee can be and whether they ever do anything beyond confusing each other and running over the waiters having deposited your hat and cloak and receives a remarkably small scrap of pasteboard in exchange which is a matter of course you lose before you require it again you enter the hall down which there are three long tables for the less distinguished guests with a cross table on a raised platform at the upper end for the reception of the very particular friends of the indigent orphans being fortunate enough to find a plate without anybody's card in it you wisely seat yourself at once and have a little leisure to look about you waiters with wine baskets in their hands are placing decanters of sherry down the tables at very respectable distances melancholy looking salt sellers and decayed vinegar cruits which might have belonged to the parents of the indigent orphans in their time are scattered at distant intervals on the cloth and the knives and forks look as if they had done duty at every public dinner in london since the accession of george the first the musicians are scraping and grating and screwing tremendously playing no notes but notes of preparation and several gentlemen are gliding along the sides of the tables looking into plate after plate with frantic eagerness the expression of their countenances growing more and more dismal as they meet with everybody's card but their own you turn round to take a look at the table behind you and not being in the habit of attending public dinners are somewhat struck by the appearance of the party on which your eyes rest one of its principal members appears to be a little man with a long and rather inflamed face and gray hair brushed bolt upright in front he wears a wisp of black silk around his neck without any stiffener as an apology for a neck chief and is addressed by his companions by the familiar appellation of Fitz or some such monosyllable near him is a stout man in a white neck chief and buff waistcoat with shining dark hair cut very short in front and a great round healthy-looking face on which he studiously preserves a half sentimental simper next him again is a large-headed man with black hair and bushy whiskers and opposite them are two or three others one of whom is a little round-faced person in a dressed stock and blue under waistcoat there is something peculiar in their air and manner though you could hardly describe what it is you cannot divest yourself of the idea that they have come for some other purpose than mere eating and drinking you have no time to debate the matter however for the waiters who have been arranged in lines down the room placing the dishes on the table retired to the lower end the dark man in the blue coat and bright buttons who has the direction of the music looks up to the gallery and calls out band in a very loud voice outburst the orchestra uprise the visitors in March 14 stewards each with a long wand in his hand like the evil genius in the pantomime then the chairman then the titled visitors they all make their way up the room as fast as they can bowing and smiling and smirking and looking remarkably amiable the applause ceases graces said the clutter of plates and dishes begins and everyone appears highly gratified either with the presence of the distinguished visitors or the commencement of the anxiously expected dinner as to the dinner itself the mere dinner it goes off much the same everywhere durians of soup are emptied with awful rapidity waiters take plates of turbot away to get lobster sauce and bring back plates of lobster sauce without turbot people who can carve poultry are great fools if they own it and people who can't have no wish to learn the knives and forks form a pleasing accompaniment to oboeir's music and oboeir's music would form a pleasing accompaniment to the dinner if you could hear anything besides the symbols the substantial's disappear molds of jelly vanish like lightning hearty eaters wipe their foreheads and appear rather overcome by their recent exertions people who have looked very cross hitherto become remarkably bland and ask you to take wine in the most friendly manner possible old gentleman direct your attention to the lady's gallery and take great pains to impress you with the fact that the charity is always particularly favored in this respect everyone appears disposed to become talkative and the hum of conversation is loud and general praise high lunch gentlemen who please for non-nobus shouts the toastmaster with stentorian lungs the toastmaster's shirt front waistcoat and neck chief by the by always exhibit three distinct shades of cloudy white praise high lunch gentlemen for non-nobus the singers whom you discover to be no other than the very party that excited your curiosity at first after pitching their voices immediately begin do doing most dismally on which the regular old stages burst into occasional cries of shush shush waiters shy silence waiters stands till waiters keep back waiters and other exorcisms delivered in a tone of indignant remonstrance the grace is soon concluded and the company resume their seats the uninitiated portion of the guests applaud non-nobus as vehemently as if it were a capital comic song greatly to the scandal and indignation of the regular diners who immediately attempt to quell this sacrilegious approbation by cries of hush hush where upon the others mistaking these sounds for hisses applaud more tumultuously than before and by way of placing their approval beyond the possibility of doubt shout encore most vociferously the moment the noise ceases up starts the toast master gentleman charge your glasses if you please decanters having been handed about and glasses filled the toast master proceeds in a regular ascending scale gentlemen are you all charged play silence gentlemen for that chair the chairman rises and after stating that he feels it quite unnecessary to preface the toast he is about to propose with any observations whatever wanders into a maze of sentences and flounders about in the most extraordinary manner presenting a lamentable spectacle of mystified humanity until he arrives at the word constitutional sovereign of these realms at which elderly gentlemen explain bravo and hammer the table tremendously with their knife handles under any circumstances it would give him the greatest pride it would give him the greatest pleasure he might almost say would afford him satisfaction cheers to propose the toast what must be his feelings then when he has the gratification of announcing that he has received her majesties commands to apply to the treasure of her majesties household for her majesties annual donation of 25 pounds in aid of the funds of this charity this announcement which has been regularly made by every chairman since the first foundation of the charity 42 years ago calls forth the most vociferous applause the toast is drunk with a great deal of cheering and knocking and god save the queen is sung by the professional gentleman the unprofessional gentleman joining in the chorus and giving the national anthem an effect which the newspapers with great justice describe as perfectly electrical the other loyal and patriotic toasts having been drunk with all due enthusiasm a comic song having been well sung by the gentleman with the small neck chief and a sentimental one by the second of the party we come to the most important toast of the evening prosperity to the charity here again we are compelled to adopt newspaper phraseology and to express our regret at being precluded from giving even the substance of the noble lord's observations suffice it to say that the speech which is somewhat of the longest is rapturously received and the toast having been drunk the stewards looking more important than ever leave the room and presently return heading a procession of indigent orphans boys and girls who walk round the room curtsying and bowing and treading on each other's heels and looking very much as if they would like a glass of wine apiece to the high gratification of the company generally and especially of the lady patronesses in the gallery excellent children and re-enter stewards each with a blue plate in his hand the band plays a lively air the majority of the company put their hands in their pockets and look rather serious and the noise of sovereigns rattling on crockery is heard from all parts of the room after a short interval occupied in singing and toasting the secretary puts on his spectacles and proceeds to read the report and list of subscriptions the latter being listened to with great attention and mr smith one guinea mr tomkins one guinea mr wilson one guinea mr hixon one guinea mr nixon one guinea mr charles nixon one guinea here here mr james nixon one guinea mr thomas nixon one pound one tremendous applause lord fits binkle the chairman of the day in addition to an annual donation of 15 pounds 30 guineas prolonged knocking several gentlemen knocked the stems off their wineglasses in the vehemence of their approbation lady fits binkle in addition to an annual donation of 10 pound 20 pound protracted knocking and shouts of bravo the list of length being concluded the chairman rises and proposes the health of the secretary than whom he knows no more zealous or estimable individual the secretary in returning thanks observes that he knows no more excellent individual than the chairman except the senior officer of the charity whose health he begs to propose the senior officer in returning thanks observes that he knows no more worthy man than the secretary except mr walker the auditor whose health he begs to propose mr walker in returning thanks discovers some other estimable individual to whom alone the senior officer is inferior and so they go on toasting and lording and thanking the only other toast of importance being the lady patronesses now present on which all the gentlemen turn their faces towards the ladies gallery shouting tremendously and little prigish men who have imbibed more wine than usual kiss their hands and exhibit distressing contortions of visage we have protracted our dinner to so great a length that we have hardly time to add one word by way of grace we can only entreat our readers not to imagine because we have attempted to extract some amusement from a charity dinner that we are at all disposed to underrate either the excellence of the benevolent institutions with which London abounds or the estimable motives of those who support them end of chapter 19