 Welcome to the fourth time that I have recorded this video, which should tell you something about my state of mind. So first, before we get to all the serious stuff, let me just say that the winners of the kind notes giveaway will be announced at the end of this video. If you want to skip to the end and see who wins, go for it, but I would really like to tell you my story first, which is why I made this video, obviously. If you just wanna know who wins, skip to the timestamp that I have noted in the description of this video. When I'm nervous, I hug my knees like this. It's like a comfort thing. So that's how I'm gonna talk to you guys today. I wanna talk about body image. This is something there's probably literally a million YouTube videos out there about. Mostly aimed at women, which I think is in part a shame, because men absolutely struggle with it too. And yeah, it's been a struggle in my life, but it's something that I came to peace with. Like I was able to get a good handle on. I was able to see myself in the healthy light. And now things are hard. So let's go back to when I was 13. When I was 13, I had the horseback riding accident. And then things didn't go well after that. I had many surgeries. I wasn't like a normal kid. You know, like I was busy at home recovering from surgeries, icing my ankle, eating Advil. Like it was my job and also being on pain medication. And by the time I was 15 and learned that I had to have my ankle fused, which would permanently change my life, make it so I can never run again, like restrict activity. And it was just a big deal, right? I kind of hit a wall where I had already been feeling like I was out of control, but that was sort of like the moment and I stopped eating. Cause I was like, well, this is the one thing that I can control because obviously nothing else in my life is controllable. I could control what I put in my mouth and consumed. And that was it. And so I did control that. I controlled that very, very well and very restrictively and developed a solid case of anorexia for a good little while there and got to a dangerously unhealthy place. I think it's a miracle that I recovered from my ankle fusion like against all odds, even though I wasn't eating well enough to recover from it. It did recover really, really well initially, which is a gift from God. But I kept using eating as a means of coping with life and when it kind of worked through anorexia, I didn't really work through it. It just morphed into a new one, which is not abnormal. I dealt with bulimia for much longer than that. And eventually was able to work through it. Eventually by the time I was like, I don't know, 22, 23 really developed a, like a good sense of myself, like the beginning of self-acceptance of like accepting my body and knowing what I could control, and I felt like I got to a place where I kind of like beat that eating disorder period in my life as much as anyone ever can. And then over the next few years, like I got to a place where I started to love my body. Not like, oh my God, I'm amazing, but just like, you know what? I accept myself for who I am and where I am and there are parts I don't like and there are days where I'm like, oh God, I'm gross. But I, but even on those days, I know that those are just bad days. I know I'm wrong and I know that I still love myself anyways. So heading into this surgery, I think I had a notion that was not entirely accurate of how well I would manage the body modificate, like the body change part of it, right? Cause I'm gonna look different forever. And because I was at such a positive place with myself, I thought, cool, that's all right, that's fine. I really don't want to say, like I don't want to tell you that I'm having a hard time, but I'm having a hard time. And I feel like that is something I have pretty effectively like stuffed down cause I'm like, oh no, it doesn't matter. Like yeah, I look different now. Yeah, people stare at me and not in a good way. But it's fine. Cause I still know that like I value, I still know I have worth, I still know that like as a person, like I'm beautiful, like all of that. But I think the reality is that I'm really having a difficult, or that's not a word. I'm more difficult time accepting myself than I thought I was. And as I've tried to put this into words for camera, the past four takes, I've realized that. And mirrors are helpful. Like whenever I see a full length mirror, I try to really like stop and take a look and take a moment to just accept myself like the way that I am and the way that I look now. So I realized this sounds super weird, but mirrors have been really helpful to me lately. So like I'm out with my husband right now. I got like cute for dinner or whatever, but I'm here in front of a mirror, right? So it's helpful for me to like look at myself, right? In full length mirrors and be like, no, all right. This is what I look like now. You know, to like actually take a moment and see that my appearance has changed. And they're like, that's okay. So mirrors can be a healing thing. I'm not used to like a ton of physical insecurity. And please don't take that like arrogance. Like I think I'm like amazing or anything like that. But I just got to a point where I was like, you know what, this is who I am. I look like what I look like. I'm gonna try to take care of my body the end. I don't have time to worry about everything else. Cause I wasted so much of my life being consumed by a needing disorder, but it's hard. I don't like saying that. Cause I feel like it sounds weak. And I think that there is a bit of like a disconnect between like my emotion and my head rationally. I don't have that much of a problem. You know, if I look at other amputees, I'm like, that's cool. That's awesome. Like they're killing it. They're rocking it. They look amazing. I look at myself and I'm like, oh God, some days. You know? So I'm a work in progress. But this video is really just to express that I'm struggling with that. And the reason I made it is because I made this whole channel to be honest about the journey. So this is just me expressing. I'm struggling with that piece of it. And I'm not looking for like affirmation or like, oh, you look great or anything like that. I'm honestly truly not. I'm just like, like all of us, because I'm sure everyone watching this has struggled with how they view themselves at some point. I'm struggling with how I view myself currently. And I'm gonna find a way to work through it. But right now it's hard. And on that, not super happy, but honest note, I am really excited to bring you the winners of the Kind Note giveaway. I am so excited that they were willing to do this with me because legitimately these notes brought so much light to my life. And I'm excited that they're gonna bring some light to your guys's life too. So the winners are, drum roll please. First of all, we have Janie Champa. I think that's how you say her name. She is planning on giving her kind notes to her mother who suffers from chronic illness, which I think is so sweet. So Janie, if you wanna hit me up on Instagram, on Facebook, my links are all down below. Or send me an email, which is in the about section of my page here on YouTube. I will get you in contact with Kind Notes and they will get that sent out wherever you want it sent out. And our second winner is drum roll please, SM Brew. She is dealing with the aftermath of surgery, which heck, I understand. Like I said for Janie, just make sure you hit me up on Instagram, Facebook, email. Anyway, make sure you give me your contact information so that I can have kind notes. Get in touch with you. Thank you everyone for participating. I am hoping to do more giveaways in the future. If you guys like them, let me know in the comment section down below. Thank you for listening to a bit of a more challenging, more serious video. Perhaps less upbeat than normal, but like I said, thanks for listening. I look forward to talking to you guys soon. Bye guys.