 All aboard, club car special. All aboard, all... And sink into a comfortable chair and open our newspaper to the March of Events and City Life section. A section written by America's front-rank humorist, and which appears in all her Sunday newspapers throughout the country. Here you will chuckle with such masters of mirth as Will Rogers, Sam Hellman, Arthur Bugs, Bear, OO, McIntyre, Milt Gross. And as an added feature, you will find smart, sophisticated cartoons drawn by the cream of America's humorous artists. Now just for a starter, here's a cartoon showing a scene in the big city police station. The sergeant is behind the desk and a patrolman has just entered breathlessly. You know that new traffic cop we got? Yeah, what's he done now? Well, he just made a big pinch. Sixteen guys. That's about time he did something. What did he pick them up for? I don't know yet. He's unloading them from the wagon now. Wait. Here he comes now. Come on, you fellas. Come on now. Stand up in front of the sergeant there. Hello, Sergeant. I brought you some prisoners. Say, what is this? What did you arrest these men for? Well, they was breaking the law. Why, you must be crazy. These men are firemen. Yeah, I know, but they was riding on the grade, big truck. Yeah, and what of it? Well, you see, Sergeant, they was parking right in front of a fire plug. Next stop, Arthur Buggs Back. First Sunday newspapers is on the front page these days. Readers are turning with feverish interest to the March of Events and City Life section to find out about the match between Waterman and Bopperdell. Waterman is the heavyweight champ of Rufftown, a tough little community created by Arthur Buggs Bear. Water can make up his mind whether to fight Bopperdell or not. Maybe he'll come to some decision today, but we'll find him talking to Mayor Ruff. Put the boys of St. Don at the gas house, water? No, what are they saying? They think you're yellow for not fighting Bopperdell. Ah, I ain't got time to fight that mug. I'm busy. Well, he ain't no setup, and you better take him on pretty soon or the gang will be giving you the Bronx cheer. Ah, I tell you, I ain't got no time to fight. I'm busy. I'm working. I got a job. Yeah, what are you doing? I signed up with that new lunchroom across the street. Are you washing fishes? No, they're using me as a lookout in a dumb way to share. Oh, that's the grub over there. I hate to give you all you can eat for 15 cents. You got it wrong. They don't give you all you can eat. They give you all you can stand. Yeah? Hey, where you going now? I'm going over to the drugstore for a sandwich. This is my lunch hour. That's funny. Working in a lunchroom and going out for lunch? Won't they give you a sandwich in the house? Ah, they tried to, and I had to suck them. What's the matter with this stuff now, good? It's terrible. They get their butter out of the grease boxes down at the freight yard. Yeah? And when the trains go by, they save the cinders to pepper the eggs. Hmm? Hey. What? I was just thinking. I changed my mind about Boppadel. You mean that you're going to fight him? Sure, anytime. What made you change your mind? I'd just seen him coming out of that lunchroom where I work at. Ah, what difference does that make? Any guy that eats stairs out on his feet already. All aboard Club Car Special. Next stop, O-O McIntyre. All aboard. They have made this famous affair as well known to the natives of Arkansas as it is to the New Yorker. McIntyre's articles are an exclusive feature of all Hearst Sunday newspapers everywhere. Here is a typical sidelight on the life of a celebrity, as seen by this popular columnist. He tells of a very prominent lecturer who was invited to talk before a local women's organization. We'll let you hear what took place just as the lecturer stepped on the platform and was greeted by the president of the organization. Oh, what is it you're going to lecture on? I think it was Alaska you wanted me to talk about wasn't it? Oh, yes, yes. How stupid of me to forget. I hope you're going to tell us all about those cute little pygmies they have up there. Pygmies? I never saw any pygmies in Alaska. Oh, but you must have. You know, those cute little ducks that walk like Charlie Chaplin. You're thinking of penguins, aren't you? Well, maybe that's what they are. Anyhow, penguins are pygmies. I think they're terribly cute. Oh, dear. Oh, well, look, my dear. You've forgotten your watch chain. My watch chain? I don't own one. I carry a wrist watch. Well, I don't see how you're ever going to lecture without a watch chain. What will you twirl while you're talking? I think I can manage. Well, just as you say, my man. One thing I meant to ask you. Do you walk up and down very much? I mean, when you lecture. Why, I may move around just a bit. Well, would you mind walking on the left side of the platform? You see, the ride is getting a little worn. Well, I remember that. And now, then, my man, I think everything is ready. If it isn't too much trouble, would you ask someone to bring me a picture of ice water? Ice water? Ice water. Uh, did you want it for drinking? No, no, dear lady. I used it when I go into my high-diving act. It was the other day. Will Rogers took up the subject of government control of gold. Will, as usual, had a lot to say that was right to the point. We're going to dramatize for you one of the amusing side lights he brought out. We begin with a scene in a general store out in the west. The proprietors behind the counter are just coming in the door. Take a couple of sacks of flour, Dave. Here you are. Well, it might give me a sight of that dried beef there and some salt and pepper. Must be going on a trip, ain't you, Lim? Well, just going to Mosey Round a bit. How are them pickaxes you got over there? Ain't had no competitive. Well, give me one and I'll take a spade, too. What are you up to, Lim? Sounds like the old days, when you was prospecting for gold. Well, I sort of took an ocean to try my hand at it again. Yeah, what do you expect to find, Lim? There ain't no gold in them narrowheels now. Well, I ain't going up in them narrowheels. Yeah, where are you going? Well, it's like this. All the gold that used to be in them narrowheels was dug up years ago. That's right. And that gold was turned into money and put in the bank. That's where it was. Then not so long ago, folks got scared and took their gold out of the bank and buried it in the backyard. That's what it is. Then long come Mr. Roosevelt that gold belongs to government. And that just about turns that gold that everyone was hoarding into counterfeit. Yeah, maybe you're right, Lim. Yes, sir. And the folks that buried that gold are plum-scared to dig it up. Have you got some buried, Lim? No, sir. But I know where there are a lot of backyards. As of the first Sunday newspapers are faithful followers of Joe Runt, a character created by the fertile brain of Milgros. Joe Runt is a likable little guy who thinks the sun rises and sets in his boss, John Dyke. Today we find Joe at his favorite hunt, the neighborhood pool room. He's talking to some of the boys. I was just wondering if any of your boys know where I can get a nice, fresh chicken. Now what's the matter with Oscar's butcher shop right down at the corner? Well, I was thinking of that. Only I got to be sure this chicken is awful fresh. What's the big idea? What's you're so particular about? Well, you see, my boss, it's for him. I heard him say he'd like to have some nice fried chicken like he got down south. I want to make him a present of one. I get it. I get it. Hey, here comes Papo to provide him. Maybe he can give you a stare. Hello, Papo. Hi. Hello, Joe. What's on your mind, eh? Well, there's not much. Only I was just asking Sam here where I could get a very, very fresh chicken. Oh, so you want the fresh chicken, eh? Well, that can affix you ever fine. I got a chicken. She's so fresh she's still walking around. Well, that's great, Papo. Would you sell it to me as a very, very special flavor? Well, I'm going to do better for that. I'm going to raffle this chicken for you. Are you running a raffle, Papo? Oh, sure, sure. I got the chances. I'll print it and never tell you. Gee, that's swell. How much are those chances? Well, they're 10 cents a chance. How many do you want? Well, no, let me see. I'll take about a dollar's worth. You sure it's a matter of the flow, Joe. You want to be sure to win, eh? Yeah, you say, Papo. It's for my boss. Here's the dollar. Oh, glad to hear that. Here's the chances. 10 of them. Well, now, wait a minute. Maybe you better give me another dollar's worth. Oh, sure thing. That's all right. That's 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. Here's the 10 more chances. That ain't all the chances you got, is it, Papo? Well, I sell quite a few already. I only got the 9 more left. Well, 9 more left, huh? Well, Papo, I guess I better take them, too. You see, I don't want anybody else in the whole world but me to win this air-chicken. Well, Joe, you certainly weren't smart enough for long. Well, here's the chances. And if you wait the right here, I'm going to be back in a minute. Oh, well, wait all right, all right, Papo. But say, listen, please, hurry, will you? Oh, I'm hurry, Joe. Don't worry. I'm hurry. Oh, gee, you sure do want that chicken, Joe. Yeah, but I do. You know, I can hardly wait till Papo gets back here with it. What do you mean gets back with it? He didn't go for no chicken. He only went out to get some more chances printed. At this point, may we say that you can make this program as long as you wish by turning to the March of Events and City Life section of your Hearst Sunday newspaper. There you will find long articles that have been written by these same writers. Will Rogers, O. O. McIntyre, Bugs Bear, Milt Gross, Sam Hellman, and others. This program has given you only brief excerpts of their uproarious comedy, for there's column after column of wit and barement awaiting you. No other newspaper presents such an assembly of so many noted comedy writers of the day. In the March of Events and City Life section of the Hearst Sunday newspapers, you will find sparkling cartoons also. The Club Car Special Broadcast has been scheduled to visit your home next week at the same time over this same radio station. Be sure to listen in for another 15 minutes of delightful merriment.