 Hey everybody, today I'll be reading you Things Mr. Welch Is Not Allowed To Do At an RPG, numbers 1-100. If you wish to read along, there will be the TV tropes link and also the actual blog post where it originated from in the description as well as links to other places on my channel. Alright, we'll start with number 1. Cannot Base Characters Off The Who's Drummer Keith Moon A one man band is not an appropriate bard instrument. There is no gnomish god of heavy artillery. My 7C character, Bodru, is not Southern Montague. Not allowed to blow all my skill points on one-point professional skills. Synchronized panicking is not a proper battle plan. Not allowed to use psychic powers to do the dishes. How to serve dragons is not a cookbook. My monk's lips must be in sync. It's because my character and I can speak German doesn't mean the GM can. Not allowed to berserk for the hell of it, especially during royal masquerades. Must learn at least one offensive and defensive spell if I'm the sorcerer. Must not murder canon NPCs in their sleep no matter how cliche they are. Ogres are not kosher. Plan B is not automatically twice as much gunpowder as Plan A. I will not beat Tomb of Horrors in less than 10 minutes from memory. No damaged man is not an appropriate name for a superhero. When surrendering, I am to hand the sword over hilt first. Drought are not good at eating. Polka is not appropriate at marching music. No longer allowed to recreate the Death Star trench run out of genre. There is no such thing as a gnomish pygmy war rhino. Any character who has a sensitivity training center named after him will be taken away. Even if the rules allow it, I am not allowed to summon 50,000 blue wells. The green elf does not need food badly. Valley Speak has no place in the fantasy setting, especially if you're the paladin. I am not to shoot every corpse in the head and make sure they aren't a zombie in Twilight 2000. The goddess of marriage chosen weapon is not the whip. I cannot have any gun that requires me to continue the damage code on the back. I am not allowed to kill off all the vampires in the LARP even if they are terminally stupid. The backup trap handler is not whoever has the most hit points at the time. I cannot buy any animal in groups of 100 or over. There is no such skill as improvised cooking. I am not allowed to base any droid off of any character played by Joe Pesci. I am not allowed to convince the entire party to play R2 units. I am not allowed to convince the entire party to sit on the same side of the table. They do not make black market illegal cyber weapons for rodents. When investigating evil cults, not allowed to just torch to the crepit mansion from the outside, gnomes do not have the racial ability to catalyse their eyebrows. Gnomes do not have the racial ability to hold their breath for 10 minutes. Gnomes do not have the racial ability impromptu kicks dead. Having a big nose adds nothing to my seduction check. No longer allowed to set Nazi propaganda music to a snappy disco beat. Not allowed to spend all 100 character points on 101-point skills. My character names are not allowed to be double entendres. Sliver rhymes with silver because the computer felon says so. They do not make nair in wiki sizes. The elf has restricted the decaf for the rest of the adventure. Not allowed to blow up the Death Star before that snotty farm kid gets his shot. Not allowed to use thermodynamic science to asphyxiate the orcs cave instead of exploring it first. No longer allowed to use the time machine for booty calls. My bar does not know how to play Inagata DeVita on maracas. Not allowed to start a drow character weighing more than a quarter ton. Cannot pimp out other party members. Before facing the dragon, not allowed to glaze the elf. No matter how well I roll, a squirrel cannot carry a horse and rider at full sprint. In the middle of a black-up, I cannot ask a guard to validate parking. Expended ammunition is not of business expense. Not allowed to pose the netrunner in embarrassing positions when he is on a run. Not allowed to short-sheet the bedroll of impotent deities. Can only taunt the ranger about his lack of swimming after my USCGE-8 saves him. I am not allowed to do anything I saw Han Solo do once. No, I cannot buy 10,000 marbled uniforms, say please. My paladin's battle cry is not good for the good god. There is no summon bimbo spell. Not allowed to start a character that speaks every language except once the party speaks. There is no kung fu maneuver, maguire swings from bleachers. Bring him back intact includes redundant organs. There is more to wizardry than magic missile, even if I can do 200 damage automatic with no save. Not allowed to cook up nerve gas in the sink in if the target number is 5. There is no annoy setting on a phaser. Not allowed to start a character who is over 100 years old unless he is an elf or dwarf. Humans are right out. Not allowed to name my cudgel ceremonial whoop-ass stick. My deest battle cry is not run and live. Never is it you take care of the orcs, I take care of the traps. I am not allowed any artistic license while translating. I do not get my superpowers from James T. Kirk. Not allowed to commission a pistol that costs more than a sedan. I am not liquid metal. When accepting a challenge for a duel, I must allow the other guy time to find a pistol. A picture of my ex-wife is not an acceptable backup weapon. Victory left after killing the dragon with my 1d2 bow is considered in poor taste. My gnome does not like big butts and you cannot lie. Not allowed to talk my fellow inquisitors into buying a 220lb pool crossbow. Not allowed to talk my fellow inquisitors into buying an industrial-strength flamethrower. Not allowed to make a superhero with a 99% chance of dodging even after the negative 10 penalty for a successful cold shot. There is no such thing as a dwarven katana. My bard does not get a bonus to perform as she is obviously not wearing anything under her tabard. The elf's name is not LEGO lamb. My swashbuckling flop cannot take the flaw of dark secret, not gay. A wet towel does not constitute an improvised weapon. The name of the weapon shop is not Blood Bath and Beyond. I am to remind my DM that he must never, ever give my paladin a dire bore for a mount again. I cannot base my ancient kung fu master on neither Jean Simmons or Bluto Blutarski. I was not put the thunder god on the spot again. No making up pole arms. My one wish cannot be I wish everything on this piece of paper was true. There is no such thing as speed polka. Not allowed to see if Jedi can parry a shotgun blast with their lightsabers. When any character from a D-20 sourcebook is allowed, that doesn't include system lords. Welcome back to the things Mr. Welch is not allowed to do in our RPG numbers 101-200. I am not allowed to pave anything. I am not authorized to start any civil engineering project on the taxpayer's dime. There is no such thing as a club three of cup checks. Or is there a one long sword five against party members? I am not allowed to polymorph anyone to aave the goda. I do not have weapon proficiency in cat. There is no such game as wear a shark to buffet. No, I do not get XP for every single crewman on that star destroyer. Not allowed to kill a vampire with any part from a DC-10 larger than my car. Not allowed to serenade the party even if my character has an internal tape deck. I did not pick the Garrett skill last week from my grandmother. If the gun can't fit through the X-ray machine, it doesn't go on the plane. My droid is not allowed to paraphrase any Jack Nichols in siliquy. The demi-litch only falls for getting stuffed into the bag of holding once. My musical instrument does not double as a personal flotation device. Not allowed to take a coffee break during the final supervillain showdown. I am restricted to memorizing floating discs only once per day. I will pick a more traditional paladin weapon instead of a sledgehammer. My character's names cannot be anagrams of playboy playmates. Not allowed to kill another party member with a boomerang again. I am not a contractor for Dragon Cave cleaning services incorporated. The paladin's alignment is not lawful anal. Not allowed to forget to mention traps when the powergamer has point. I cannot insert the words kill, fill, sorry, fill into any list of instructions. Laundry can only snap coincidentally so many times per day. Dwarves do not count as burrowing animals. Not allowed to download AOL-6.0 on the Arasaka mainframe. Polka gnomes exist only in my mind. Not allowed to name my ship to anti-disestablish materialism. I am not authorized to form the head. Not allowed to bet how many times the lich bounces. There is no such feat called death blossom. My acrobat cannot balance on the warlord's head for more than one round. The Kingsguard official name is not the royal order of the red shirt. I cannot demand payment in electrum, I mean back robes or bubble wrap. I cannot start the 7C campaign with three confirmed dragon kills. I do not have a scorching case of lycanthropy. If the mere thought of it costs the other sanity, I am forbidden from doing it. My bard is required to take levels in the perform skill and cannot just play by ear. The Dutch language does not exist in the forgotten realms. My maid does not know kung fu. Not allowed to give a four-year-old a sugar rush just to jack up the CR later. Not allowed to buy a holy symbol for every god just in case one of them is right. There is no such thing as pleasure armor. I cannot go back in time to cut in line at the Declaration of Independence, so everybody now is asked for their Terence E. Wozinski when signing documents. Not allowed to play in Australia in any game set before 1600. Guards are not allowed to have Norse ancestry. There is no gnomish desk grip, and even if there was, it wouldn't involve tongs. Looting the unguarded baggage train is not considered a glorious victory. Not allowed to create recreational drugs in a suppository format. Halflings do not have a racial proficiency with the flamethrower. When the guy is at negative nine hit points, it is not the best time for my cleric to convert him. I will not propose to every noble woman at the royal ball until I crit my charisma check. I am not allowed to rub the monk's head for luck. I am not allowed to rub any part of the elf chick for any reason. When one person forgets to buy rations, eating the half elf is not our first option. Any capital scale weapon is not my little friend. I will not declare myself a god just so I can grant myself spells. Guards do not double as trash disposals. I will not load any gatlin weapon with nothing but paint rounds. I will not nail every single female party member except for the elf chick played by that creepy guy. Whatever monster we just killed is not to be tonight's dinner. Not allowed to try and make a dire version of any dog of the toy breeds. I am not the tattle to the halfling assassin's mom about his career choice. I am forbidden from replacing anything with Folger's crystals to see if they notice. Not allowed to bribe the enemy commander into withdrawing with a stolen Elvis LP collection. I was not recruited by Star League for any reason. I was also not recruited by twelve dwarves in a wizard to rob a dragon. I am neither the pagan god nor goddess of fertility. I cannot name my character X-A-G-Y-G or any anagram thereof. My character's dying words are not allowed to be Haster, Haster, Haster. At no point can I justify spending Force Point on a seduction check. I am not allowed to re-create Veer's March of the AT-ATs on Zentil Keep. There is no use of Shatner's spoken word album that doesn't require a humanity check. I am not directly descended from either Huey Lewis or any member of the news. I cannot make called shots to the Plectrum, Anvil, Sturrup, Hammer, or Isle of Lingerhens. Stinking clouds of privilege, not a right. There is no profanities in Celestial. Chummer means he is my friend, not that sharks find him tasty. I have neither the touch nor the power. I cannot cloak Shakespeare and Crenos. No figuring out the plot and killing the actual villain five minutes into the adventure. There are no rules for cooking corn dogs in any D-20 supplement. A starting character has no need for one hundred gold pieces worth of hemp rope. My bar does not need roadies for a dungeon crawl. No cutting line to be a god. I cannot gain more than three drama die per session for making the GMP. I cannot play an elf with a Scottish accent nor a Cajun dwarf. To wretch is not a flaw, it is a reason to kill the character of creation. Dual wielding small animals is strictly forbidden. My character is not related in any way to Boba Fett. This goes double for Star Wars characters. If the gun is best fired using the artillery skill, my character is not allowed to have it. Not allowed to kill vampires with seismic charges. When the other guy picks swords for the choice of weapons, that does not leave me pistols. I cannot use a silent feat-enabled power word stun and blame it on the dog. I cannot name a character anything that I can't say politely in another country. My epic level character cannot take on the minor goblin minutes to his country just to stay sharp. Not allowed to steal my own soul. My third wish cannot be I wish he wouldn't grant this wish. I cannot name my character cliché canon characters from other systems. I cannot name my character cliché canon characters from other systems. My thief is prohibited from speaking solely in Kant. Character descriptions cannot contain two of the following words, Slavic, tone-death, karaoke, and musician. My superhero's strength is not classified as snazzy, nido, or bodacious. I am not too sexy for the elf, too sexy for the elf, so sexy myself. My third edition Red Wizard is not allowed to start a business named Thaco. I cannot forge a one sort of Brad's Men Max Paladin monk slaying. The following weapons are not legal choices in a duel. Steamroller, nerve gas, landmine, midget. I cannot whine about the crappy selection of magical Bek the Corvins. My Paladin's heraldry is not a smiley face. My anti-Paladin's heraldry is not Mr. Yuck. If at any point, if my dwarf takes on the mannerisms of Macho Man Randy Savage, he dies. If the party always starts the adventure in a tavern, I cannot opt to start at a brothel. I am not the patron saint of common sense. There is no prestige class drich slayer. They do not make heavy weapons and pump action. There is an upper limit to the number of bozo booster-gangers I can get in a Volkswagen. But the weapon is capable of sticking vampires hiding behind engine blocks. I can't have it. No matter my alignment, organizing halfling pit fights is a violation. In formal introductions to royalty, I must not introduce my companions as just the other guys. I am not the master of the low blow or the gang up. If I get that Ugo up to 120 miles per hour again, that's gonna get some paradox. Druids are not against my religion. I cannot convince the solo he had the Cortex bomb when he really doesn't. I cannot insinuate elf tricks are all easy, even though you never hear about a half gnome do you? I am forbidden from monologuing. Troll bubblegum, bad idea. My last wish cannot be, I wish we were playing another game. I cannot use my time machine to hire Hitler or Hooker in 1920, thus avoiding World War II. Not allowed to spontaneously check if the elf can take a punch. There is no such thing as monofilament to floss. I am not allowed to do anything that would make a Sith Lord cry. It is not possible to recreate any scene from Doctor Who in Krenos. If I am the MedTech it is generally assumed I am going to have skill in medicine. My character does not get D-34 hit points a level. My Sameti is required to have dots and obstrucate, plural as in more than one, two more than none. My character has no need for 24,000 cartons of cigarettes, especially in a neighbor's garage. Not allowed to use more than three words per game as the GM has to look up the definition. My bard cannot play or is ever heard of the Theramen Digirudu or Glass Armonica. My rocker boy cannot play or is ever heard of the Theramen Digirudu or Glass Armonica. Any character with more than three skills specializing in chainsaw is vetoed. Cannot use the Jedi mind trick to get out of a speeding ticket. Not allowed to give quicklings Mountain Dew. Cannot cast haste on the king during a long-winded speech to give him the hurry to hell up. Not allowed to taunt the rest of the party in eight different languages because they forgot to take any. Not allowed to attend any opera whose name the GM confuses with a strip joint. I cannot keep selling that creepy guy's always-naked elf chick to nomads every chance I get. If the king rewards me with a forest, I am assumed he intends for me to keep it a forest. There is no halfling god of groin shots. If a blackout requires me to impersonate an employee, I cannot build a target for overtime. Superfluous man is not a viable superhero concept. I am not the boogey-woogie-boogle-boy of Gundam Wing Z. I cannot order the druid to transform and roll out. If the other party members forget to take any food prep skills, not allowed to let them starve to death. I cannot blow five paradox in. A police lineup, the candy aisle of Kroger's, the Miss America pageant. I cannot create a superhero that can palm the moon. The following cleric domains do not exist. Wet T-shirts, atheism, keggers. I cannot wish nobody else gets wishes. There is no such thing as Skyclad Armor 5. My Highlander's name cannot be McCammer. Gnomes do not have a racial bonus in Bobsled. The barbarian's name does not translate into screams like sissy little girl in my language. When the GM forces the plot, I cannot make choo-choo noises. Not allowed to attempt to kill the hut by pouring salt on them. I cannot use the time machine to go to ancient Greece where all the women were leather-clad oiled down with big bosoms. It is soon my mech warrior knows at least what one of the buttons in his cockpit does. At the end of a black ops, I cannot crank call C-swat on the target phone. I cannot yell Free Bird every time the bard makes a perform roll. Mr. Welch is not allowed to speak in third person. My character cannot hear the soundtrack. I cannot derail the adventure for a two-hour in-character discussion on the qualities of rope. Tracheotomies are best left the character with skills in medicine. No skill allows specializing in defense and illustration. No matter how smart I make my animal companions, he cannot take the tax accountant skill. I cannot commune with the gods during peak hours. I must remember at dinner time Rock is not a dwarven delicacy. I must remember at dinner time Log is not a elven delicacy. My half ogre cannot surprise the half-linked with spontaneous games of dodgeball. Anything the DM has to ponder the full effect of for more than a minute is forbidden. I cannot base any elf off of any British Prime Minister. Thermal nuclear hand grenades do not exist in any genre except paranoia. I cannot get emotionally attached to any generic nondescript unnamed NPC. Even if laughter is the best medicine, it still does not restore any of my hit points. I have been assured, with total certainty, Ralph is not a Japanese name. When the CO asks for volunteers, I cannot help others make a decision. I am not from Margaritaville, and anyone who was that doesn't excuse the Hawaiian shirt and lawn chair during the dress inspection. No character of mine can start with 400 previous convictions for any misdemeanor. When asked for advice before a fight, don't wet yourself in public as not what they were looking for. I cannot name my character after another NPC already in this game. My character does not have the flaw Addiction Helium. I cannot figure that the dungeons we're in is the Pac-Man maze and pointed out to the rest of the party. I cannot form a huddle to discuss strategy before facing the final monster in the dungeon. I cannot take all the monsters I've killed to the taxi dermis after the adventure. Clown shoes have no place in the dungeon crawl. My dwarf is not claustrophobic, likewise my elf is not agoraphobic. When my enemy blinks does not give me an attack of opportunity. I cannot make called shots with a crusured weapon. I cannot hand out artillery flares to the bad guys of the New Years and tell them they are Roman candles. Spreads to the sea bang bang is not real German. I do not get any XP for anyone I kill by stampeding sheep. I cannot give the rebel operatives the code names Luke, Han, Chewie, or Yoda. Well hung is not a physical, social, or mental trait. A gimp suit does not count as leather armor. I cannot gradually describe my character more and more until it's obvious I'm describing Bert Reynolds. My life-long nemesis is not allowed to be the unsuspecting cleric sitting across the table from me. Anything my character does that ends up as a rata I am retroactively prohibited from doing. Chaotic evil deities do not have hymnals. Even if he can use them from the start my barbarian can't specialize in fencing weapons. A mouth suit is not proper guard for my Shuginja. I cannot cast invisibility on random household items like car keys, tea sets, or bear traps. I cannot spend all my points on just followers. Even if the rules allow it I cannot start the game as Pope. I am not the son, father, husband, ex-room mate, former professor, or retired garbage man of the villain. My British super spy does not get a re-roll in a seduction check if his church gets ripped off. After religion I cannot put Xenu. My gnome cannot save point on the ride skill simply by asking for piggyback rides everywhere. My character is not allowed to commit suicide five minutes into the campaign. My battle cry is not, now young Skywalker you will die. Vampiric cows are not the fast food innovation of the future. My character does not have the flaw dark secret I am Kilroy. The sultan does not want a treasure bath. The monk's official title is brother of the lotus path, not the slap happy jappy. My bard knows more songs than just I saw your mommy. I cannot start the game with a highly contagious deadly disease. I cannot start the game pregnant. Even if he was a paragon of humanity in his alternate dimension, good Hitler is not an appropriate superhero concept. I cannot accumulate two hundred points of flaws for hackmaster. I am not allowed to decide which one of us is the chosen one. I cannot keep my phaser on disintegrate just because it's the coolest setting. Not allowed to spoil the plot by simply removing the hinges on the door. The half limb paladin does not represent the lollipop guild. I cannot invoke consecrate weapon on a man of war. I cannot spend character points to buy imaginary friends. I cannot fistinate anybody, whatever the hell that means. Pinball is not specialization for wizards. When installed in cyberware, can't install the clapper as a built-in feature. Can't start a Cthulhu character with a pre-existing hatred of books, alters, and cutlery. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot control twenty thousand pigeons and use them as flying piranha. Every character named El Rabadico Jorafedet Viego is begging to be vetoed. Can't avoid going on an epic quest with the excuse can't find a sitter. I cannot start the game married to another PC without their consent. Not allowed to declare myself a free agent and take offers from other adventuring parties. After the first adventure, I cannot write a tell-all book about the party. I must remember loyalty to not share the same love of parody as my bard. No matter how much I make my IQ roll by, I cannot make the other guys' head explode. I don't have weapon proficiency in elf either. I most certainly do not have weapon proficiency in a phased plasma rifle in the 40 watt range. If I'm not the Decker, I can't do anything I saw on Tron once. The rest of the party appreciates it if I don't start the game in cyberpsychosis. Power word beer me is not a real spell. I am not allowed to buzz anything. I cannot take skill profession ichthysist. When I choose my wizards' familiar, Belgians are not a legal choice. I cannot pick a destroy that makes the Veritech pilots feel inadequate. Tricking the party and killing each other off and then turning into corpses for the bountiest frowned upon. My monk's battle cry is not round one, fight! No matter how well I roll, the quack skill is not a substitute for the doctor skill. I cannot disassemble a card under five minutes. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot make a character that gets double XP per game for showing up. Killing quicklings with marbles only works once. I must remind the GM that my blessed can raise dead before he runs another murder mystery again. It is not feasible for my archer to recreate Hudson's last stand. It is very unlikely my half ogre and the half elf, half dragon, tieflin, and asimore have the same dad. When challenged to the showdown, I meant to face him at ten paces with pistols, not ten blocks with a sharp big 50 cal. I am to avoid killing, upstaging, and seducing historical characters. Not allowed to set up the main villain with the mad scientist's sister. Female minotaurs do not have udders. This issue is closed. No using excessive firepower to force the plot along. My teleporter cannot stop the alien invasion with just a law of displacement, laws of motion, and a huge freaking asteroid. Not supposed to stop the soon to be cyber-psycho by disassembling him earlier in the adventure. What happens in Sigil does not always stay in Sigil. No thinking of new creative and fun uses for cursed items. I must start the game blitzed, especially if I was stoned sober at the last game break. It is bad form for the queen to see my nipples. I am not to combine the advantage fearless and the disadvantage curious in the same character again. Killing the building does not add to my body count. The barbarian must remember that human shields the figure of speech. My character is required to have a minimum wisdom of ten, that way I have no excuses. I cannot give my character to moniker Tim the Barbarian, especially since he is the bard. I am to stop asking the elf to put a good word in for me for Santa. I cannot use the ventriloquism skill to convince the fighter his new sword is a magical talking one. Men max for combat equals good. Men max for accounting equals bad. I can't bet the power gamer he can't solo the module. It is not okay to use ten thousand rounds to kill two centuries. The titles Viking and Obstetrician are mutually exclusive. All characters will use the bathroom before the dungeon crawl. The following words are not legal for the command spell. Prognosticate, theorize, notarize. I cannot give magic items super easy command words like is or the and activate when you say them. Pursue means chase after, not just make called shots to the knees. My samurai is not required to commit seppuku if he fails to hit the monster. My character's background must be more in-depth than a montage of queen lyrics. A starting paladin has no conceivable use for industrial lubricant. I am forbidden to see whether halflings or gnomes bounce higher. If I can fit my head down the gun's barrel, I can assume it doesn't have the non-lethal option. If the light spell expires, no lighting is a dwarf. I cannot have any weapon that requires me to crank-start it first. I will refrain from using wildly inaccurate high explosive weapons in close quarters. I will not tell new players that first level characters do not have a sense as a defense mechanism. No matter what popular media says, harpooned are not proper ninja weapons. When I have to pick a starting dementia, Stockholm syndrome is not appropriate. Check the door means to listen at it, not to put several rounds through it. When a virgin's sacrifice is demanded, I will not look knowingly at the paladin, that runner, or hermetic. No matter how many people I need to feed, I will not use MDC weapons to fish. My rigor does not get a bonus if his login code is up-down-up-down-left-right-left-right-ab-ab-start. No subcontracting dungeon crawls. I will not name my character for the power of gaming campaign generic cleapath fighter number seven. The first rule of finnegan school is not do not talk about finnegan school. I will not blow all my starting funds on hookers and booze. If I have to sacrifice my fifth diet and resources to afford it, I can't have that gun. I will not cast darkness at the magic missile. If the NPC is on the cover of the rulebook, I can't kill him. It is bad for him to shoot a god while he's monologuing. I will not try to skip to the main boss dress like a singing telegram. The chaotic neutral alignment is forever close to me. If my stats are strength 10, dexterity 10, constitution 8, intelligence 16, wisdom 17, charisma 15, I'd better not be the half-orc barbarian. My archmage will not join a party running keep on the borderlands of the ringer. I will not substitute accuracy with enthusiasm. The solution to all my problems is not Krenos. Steel-toed boots do not add to my AC. Spankings generally will not change evil alignments. For the king of the example of a good battle cry, smoke the mother is not. I will not convince the GM's new girlfriend to play a psychotic combat monster. My marital status does not affect in any way my fear checks. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot play a duck. I cannot liven up the adventure with snapping musical numbers, even if they did it on the TV show. Chainsaws and butter churns filled with bees do not use the same weapon skill. 30 minutes after a massive battle against Cathayans, I am not bloodthirsty again. I cannot do anything I saw Jackie Chan do once, even if I am in home depot at the moment. I will never create a plan that first hinges on the invention of Velcro. If the character is in depth, his only language cannot be Amslan. Spray paint is not a substitute for proper camouflage. We will not implement any battle plan that includes the underlined words and hope they miss a lot. Can I put anything featuring Calvin on my Starfighter? I will not find a peaceful solution to the adventure just to piss off the power gamer. Never again will I convince a player to keep a character named Stumpy McLauncher. No bribing the DM's new girlfriend with chocolate so he'll go easy on us. Even if my cleric has the domains of wealth and healing, doesn't give me the right to start an HMO. From now on my Highlander will refrain from dancing the can-can. The ability to afflict everyone 150 feet with herpes and unassessable superpower. I will not start the game with a toddler just to rack up massive stat bonuses as I age. I am forbidden from trying to merge the best features of automatic weapons and manual transmissions. There is an upper limit on the number of people a bullet will go through. When told to be subtle, playing a foul mount chain smoking squirrel is not a good choice. Zombies are not infectious in D&D, so as to stop shooting PCs and to hit if they are bitten. Whether it's fair or not, my thief will not insist we take turns checking for traps. I will not admonish my fellow paladin with a little less lawful with a little more good. Ninjas are not ablative. If the NPC is critical to the plot later, I cannot crit him four times in one round. I will not attempt to unionize the brutes. I will not switch to an entirely new class every single time of level. When told to distract the villainous, they didn't mean with a surprised marriage proposal. Not allowed to convince the entire party to base the group only off Gary Oldman characters. I will not redefine the term trapdoor, though sticking a vampire with anything larger than its chest cavity. Styrofoam is not an appropriate component for golems. I cannot put my familiar up for stud. I did not invent the wet tabard contest. When I'm in the mood is not a valid trigger for a contingency spell. The vampire clan with Visitude is not pronounced Carl. I'd better have a real good excuse for being a necromancer with lawful good. Tasha's uncontrollably hideous sister is not a real spell. First watch is not for accordion practice. Even if it is hip to be square, I still can't play a modron. Second watch is not for starting up pickup rugby games with wandering monsters. After successful black ops, I will not leave paint bombs under all the boardroom seat cushions. Third watch is not closing optional. There is no accidentally slipping a smite evil into a pillow fight. If the party wakes up to find a chariot upside down a fountain, I better not be the prime, usual, or only suspect. If I wake up to find black cloaked figures in my room, I will not immediately point them to the halflings room. Sarcasm is wasted on imperial stormtroopers. I am not fluent in any dialect of gibberish. When my cleric is told to buff the elf, I know exactly what it means and may not misconstrue it in any way. No matter the CR of the monsters, no naked pookie dances upon victory. Blackened Decker does not make prosthetics. Can't trick the rest of the party into babysitting my kids. The alignment of two-year-olds is not automatically neutral evil. I cannot spay the vlogger. Castilians do not always end their sentences with the words areeba. As a matter of fact, dwarven battleguard in no way resembles angus young stage costume. I will not address fauner posin' with jowl mine leavin' off. I am forbidden from doing anything to end with a snarf, rimshot, or spit take. No uploading porn to my CO's hood. No downloading porn from my CO's hood. If the word mullet appears anywhere in my Samurai's character sheet, he's vetoed. My massage agent's battle cry is not Torah Torah Torah. No matter how tough the encounter was, I will keep the congratulatory ass slapping to a minimum. Nothing mating rituals do not include beer can crushin', power belching, or lintered skinner trivia. If I have to pull out of the dungeon because I'm low in hit points, no filing workmen's comp. No making up any strange hobbies just to get out of taking watch. Quoting Bob Dobbs while charging into battle is unusual. Quoting Bob Newhart is right out. Quoting Bob Dylan is just silly. If my faith is four and your faith is two, that doesn't mean Jesus loves me twice as much. Your boy is not an acceptable hireling for the dungeon crawl. I will not base any media character on Milo Bloom. I will not use a time machine to invade Germany on September 2nd, 1939 by surprise, securing Dutch domination of Europe. No supplying my own canned applause. While bardic music can increase skill rolls, bad jazz adds nothing to selection rolls. If someone in the party has a wisdom or intelligence lower than eight, I am forbidden from talking to them. A firefighter is not the best time to tell a party my medtech has a fear of blood. No inventing the minefield. My superhero will not spend points to fly just because he's too lazy to walk. Even if playing a game allowing animal characters, Tai Chihuahua is not a good concept. If my name isn't Grimlock, can't start ever since with me Grimlock! Dwarves do not get beard cancer. At the parties to frequently meet with Queen Victoria, I cannot play a Texan. My warrior cleric will not pick his datey solely on the God's B.A.B. My viking scald will not take liberties with the runic alphabet. My character cannot give another character the alcoholic disadvantage during play. I will not tell the newbie to roll his daco. I will not base my superpowers off of Christ, even my character is nothing like him. After a bloody battle, I will not celebrate by lying down and making carnage angels. When GM demands to know what my character is doing, it better not be the Charleston. The nationality of my favorite soccer team does not add to my brawl skill. Trying to rip the face off the villain will not get the Scooby-Doo ending. No giving my Roman glider the short disadvantage of naming him Minimus. I am not the Lord of Rodley Might. Not allowed to name my character's Grimlock. I cannot make cold shots to their self-esteem. Affirmative action does not require me to play a drow. Dual-wielding party members is also frowned upon. Under no circumstances my medical droid allowed a groin-mounted rectal thermometer. I will not convince the entire party to play Amish for the Cyberpunk campaign. Not allowed to parry at the wrist. When I am rescued, the correct response is thank you, not took your freaking time. I will not ask my gun for advice. Running a non-stop rocky horror fest for staked vampires is outside the budget for most Samedi. If an NPC is known as The One, I cannot volunteer to beat The Two. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot spend $64,000 to get the warple option for a forklift. I cannot buy every single advantage during character creation. My character is not from Duncan, Ohio. I cannot earn bonus XP for catching air with an MBT, so stop trying. No making up, no mis-subraces. Despite being a staple of comic books everywhere, I cannot teleport objects in front of naked people. I cannot increase my comeliness by growing a porn stash. When I level up, I can't just copy the guy next to me's choices. I cannot make a dungeon crawl easier by opening a rival dungeon and hiring away all of his guards. If a power gamer joins our crew, I will not billet him the newly furnished auxiliary airlock. The cause-to-z spell cannot inflict nitrogen or coses. Even if I spend the points, I cannot start married to any of the X-Men. Defensive perimeter traps my character sets up for automatically party knowledge. A full minute of stunned silence means, my God, what did you do? Not please continue. When prompted for a target by the guided missile, the naughty bitch is not a valid choice. No, I do not have time to carve that mountain in the shape of anything. There is more to buying rations and ramen, spam, and beer. I will not cast gate to buying an infernal creature of power to my bidding and make him modulon. No going 100% trace around on the HMG just because I like the pretty colors. Guided party members while effective are not appropriate anti-grenade measures. Perform skill does not apply to the following. Performance art, spoken word, or fan dances. I cannot have a what-would-a-o-do bracelet. It is not physically possible to cook off an accordion. Dwarves can indeed tell the difference between their genders. Cannot install lowjack on the dragonkin. If my character's drow wife finds I let my niece appear in a gnomes gone wild video, my death will not even warrant a saving throw. No matter how well I make my disguise check, my gnome cannot convincingly pass for any member of Rush. Even though armor gives him no benefit, my monk still has to wear something. I will stop snickering every time the monk announces he's touching someone with his quivering palm. Even though I'm the ranger, I can't stalk the elf babe. If they get a bonus to spot my gun with a Geiger counter, I can't have it. There is not a take your daughter to work day for adventurers. Even if the ranger offers his sword, the elf his bow and the dwarf his axe, my gnome can't offer his accordion. Can't hire a sentient black pudding to be the ship's janitor. I can't play a deep gnome just to make the rest of the party have to pronounce. Swurf nibbling. Waste without trace doesn't work on bad checks. I can't make anyone Jewish with a call shot. The Lutherans don't have an inquisition. My vampire hunter can't have anything he saw on an infomercial at 3AM on PBS. When confronted with a haunted house with bleeding walls, no converting it into a self-supporting blood bank. I cannot consult my lawyer before making my wish. My first wish cannot be, I wish you grant all my wishes to the spirit and letter of the wish. All three of my wishes cannot involve alpacas. The DM does not want to know how my human fighter is triple wielding scimitars. I will not secretly maize the wizard familiar, druid's companion or paladin's mount just for a laugh. Even if the rules say otherwise, I cannot carry one hundred pounds of styrofoam without encumbered penalties. Improved evasion does not work against SAVE vs DM. Address quickly in the dark is not an advantage, bonus, benefit, feat, skill, perk or merit. Even if I am a near immortal demigod with the power to create an entire world with a thought, still bad to throw a party when dad's away without permission. Can't use my sneak attack opportunity to cop a feel. No matter how stupid the PCs comment, it doesn't provide an attack of opportunity. Rectomancy is not a school of magic. Not my Death Star is not a real show, and I'd better believe Grand Moff Tarkin knows this. A sledgehammer does not give any bonus to my search for secret doors roll. No fill on the paladin's stocking with coal on Christmas to make him wonder what he'd got to atone for. I can't thwart the rebel alliance's attack with the newly invented manhole cover. Can't intimidate the evil wither just by constantly summoning bigger versions of what he's just summoned. On second thought, a minotaur architect is a really bad idea. No using psychic power before the adventure to figure out who to take life insurance out on. Cannot spend extra money to get the optional flay setting from my pistol. No taunting the first level magic user with mighty bold talk for a guy with only four hit points. Paladins are immune to STDs, but if I take advantage of this ability, I lose it. Wonderful paradox, isn't it? If my gun on a scale of 1-10 is a 7, it's vetoed if that's the Richter scale. I cannot convince the rival party our Q-ship has just named that because it's piloted by John Delancey. The fibulators do not allow me the use of the cleat feet. No matter how well I roll, other PCs cannot be haggled into paying me to perform errands for me. Tenser's herniated disc is not a real spell. True to fluff or not, my berserker cannot take the beekeeping skill. I cannot pick a race for the prehensile anything. No dual wielding whips until I at least have proficiency with them. The party does not need to know about the time I woke up duct taped to the back of a drowl matron mother. Any adventure ends up with my character being worshipped as an orc god with just a dream retroactively of need be. Cannot start the new adventure of me trying to run down whoever didn't show up for the last adventure. Even if I'm a wizard, I still can't apply embarrassing tattoos to the NPC. If we run out of cannonballs, armadillos will not do it a pinch. Fine familiar scrolls are not a substitute for the hunting skill. I cannot have any gun mentioned in the Geneva convention by name. If my alignment forbids torture, that includes gnomish poetry slams. Even if this is an adventuring party, I can't show up to the adventure drunk and wearing only a toga, lampshade, and half elf stripper. If my superpower is super growth, that includes my skin. An in-scale tuba player is not an appropriate miniature for my known bard. The answer to who's got point is not the fireball. No deity will let me use my nipples as holy symbols. I cannot name my character Dwed Pirate Wobberts. No initiating social challenges based only on the color of the werewolf's shoes. Every time a PC takes himself out through those stupidity does not let me sing the oompa-loompa song. I can't have a magic item I can't request with a straight face. My superhero tank must be high and weight-proportionate. One closed call with a mimic does not give me the right to attack every door I come across. Even if they are the same cliched ass for blood aliens, can't load my shotgun with baking powder. The forehead is not an appropriate place for a kill count hollow tattoo. No matter how much of my humanity loss, a chainsaw is not a substitute for a bayonet. No matter what the dice say, I can't kill a fourth-gen vampire with a pump action loaded with buckshot in a single round. My blessed does not have the hindrance alien, Stigmata. No offering the old man and the farm kid a better rate to Alderaan. Paladins make poor Vikings and vice versa. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot play a dire gummy bear. When asked what my character is doing, it had better not be Da Vita Kinetic. I must remember before the next time I shave off the sleeping dwarf's beard and glue it to the sleeping elf, wars have been started that way. Dwarves are not proper substitute for puffer fish. The GM decides my character dies from a stroke, not me. I can't use audible glamour to trick the cleric into building an ark. Just because they are all on the rock, metal and axes, dwarves are not all headbangers. Replacing a solo's bullet with blanks so he comes in dead last and body count isn't funny. Medicine cabinets are not the best place to stash spare squeeze tubes of explosive putty. When asked to tutor someone on his defensive trait, can't keep punching him until he gets it. When told to choose my weapon and a duel with the assassin, can't pick his weapon. Cannot recreate any scene in 2001 of space odyssey involving women's lingerie. Arguments cannot end with the statement, alright, we'll settle this like penguins. Recon means tell them what I saw, not slaughter all the monsters without them. German characters do not get four racial bonus to intimidate French characters. The DM is not impressed with me spoiling his well-planned ambush by just casting glassy on the door. Before hiding with all the werewolves ambushed a setite, make sure he didn't leave the lark four hours ago. Even if he loves me too, chitty-chitty bang-bang is not an appropriate choice for the romance background. Casual attire does not include shoulder holsters. My character's grandma was not, is not and will never be a contract killer. Even if the rules allow it, I can't gain one million XP with one forged check. No matter how much moose I use, my hair will never have damage resistance. No matter how high my face skill still can't take God as an ally. If the Game Store owner goes into vapor lock, the adventure is over. Any answer to a question involving the words wizard, station wagon, and wood paneling is no. Can't marry off another PC more than half a dozen times. Zero body count does not mean just the ones they can find. Things don't fall for the fake ball trick more than once. My alignment is not sarcastic good. My fighter cannot take the flaw addiction stabbing things. Cannot wish for the party to have common sense, even the wish spell has its limits. If the party goes into my room and finds a deva wearing only baby oil, oven mitts, and spurs, they can start the module without me. When asked my position in the party, it's not whatever as close as the Bangkok. A crayon is typically going to cause a penalty to my forgery skill. Can't put a glass bottom on my tank just so I can see the looks on their faces. Changing sex is restricted to male or female. Quoting ministry lyrics is not SOP for the gladiast D. Walmart is not my one stop shopping place for hunting vampires. The light on my character's sheep for sex is not for keeping score. My paladin will stop referring to their detect evil power as evil dar. Even if I just rolled 832d6 for damage, still can't get a bonus to my Intimidate Check. Unlike real life, I don't gain the whirlwind attack to smack all my back talking children. My World War II era mad scientist will pick a new target for his project other than Manhattan. When offered, a Drakkenzian item of my choice can't pick nunchucks. No matter what the dice say, can't decapitate an abrit with a straight razor. CCST soccer games are strictly against Imperial Army protocols. Cannot name Boba Fett as a godparent to any of my children. While I'm fixing the X-Wing, the brash pilot is still miffed about the Y-Wing loner. House Karita mech warriors do not appreciate posters of Godzilla taped over their optical sensors. Teleport without pants is not a real spell. It is not necessary to install a portacus in every single room in my castle. When deciding what to do with the ancient alien artifact we discovered, eBay is not an option. Even if the rules allow it, I can't take the identical twin advantage 22 times. My character's primary purpose in the party is not just to leech one-sixth of all the XP. Elves do not have the racial trait, no gag reflex! Distracted bad guys do not mean with a recreation of the Apollo landing. I do not have time into blackouts for breakdancing, Greco-Roman wrestling or phone sex. My axe does not go off accidentally when I'm cleaning it. Even if he's a total blast, can't channel Baron Samedi at a coming out ball. Can't make a cold shot with a flamethrower. After finishing the cliched new boss's villain adventure, can't file for unemployment. My mummy can't take out multiple life insurance policies on himself and name himself the prime beneficiary. The game of chicken does not involve the Polymorph spell. My vampire hunter does not take the Un out of Undead. I cannot backstab anybody with a Bjerg Skylark. Even if the rules allow it, my paladin cannot have the flaw, hatred, all living things. The combat feats I can use with a batter and ram are extremely restricted. Mordenkainen's dysfunctional family is not a real spell. No matter what the kids say, animated balloon animals the poor use of the create golem feat. The Dr. Jones School of Swordfighting a non-appropriate swordsman school. There is no conspiracy to write out the gnome's contribution to the fellowship of the ring. Search the old castle means enter it, not level it with artillery and dig through the rubble. Buying the elf babe a trampoline and telling her to boost her dexterity isn't fooling anybody. Any plan involving strapping puppies to my armor is vetoed. No accidentally cross-wiring the X-Wing's fire control and ejection seat switches. During the black-off, no accessing the target's HR files and getting babed phone numbers. FedEx does not deliver to the keep on the borderlands. Not allowed to use basic economics to crash evil empire's economy by spending all my swag there at once. To take the moniker, the hyper polysyllabic equipped delinist. The banana of disarming is not a real magic item. Cannot sharpen Ian's stones for increased headbutt damage. No using my hideously low charisma to get the villain to the opposite of what I suggest. No need to stop using my reality-altering ability to make everyday Mardi Gras. Cannot base my barbarian after a wink martindale. I throw punch to not give a bonus and a contested philosophy check. My Paladin Mini is vetoed of its obviously private drake from aliens. Any plan of vetoed of it was obviously inspired by Boromir. My info-gathering mission must include info that wasn't obviously obtained in a brothel. If almost all the words in my character's background start with the same letter, he's vetoed. When told to leave a trail for the rest of the party to follow, they didn't mean with cigarette butts. Even if the rule would allow it, can't seek a battleship with a stapler. I do not get a bulk discount on ninjas. Even if the rule is allowed, I can't invent the script joint. I cannot play a race the GM can't pronounce. I cannot start the game opposed to apocalyptic Poland driving a Porsche. Warnings given retroactively in battle aren't appreciated. A fluffy tale does not add to my comeliness if I'm already one foot tall, furry in a squirrel. I don't have to include the line and then stab them a lot in the plan. It's already assumed. Even if my superpower is invisibility, I still have to provide a model for my character. Can't intentionally fail all my secret door checks so I don't have to play Tomb of Horrors again. If my character is related to a god, it can't be as apparent. The time machine is not for finishing my set of disciple autographs. No, there is not a Mr. of Arc. No, I still can't hit on her. My black-optic experience does not include panty-raids and beer ruins. A single-handedly makes Starfleet Academy the number one party school in the Alpha Quadrant. Not legal to retroactively challenge anyone I just shot to a duel. Cannot take the flaw of obsession, elf chicks lingerie. No part of the plan includes, you give me the idol, I'll give you the whip. No matter how many call shots to the neck I make, I'm still not going to cause a cool pyrotechnics display. Not allowed to trade in my X-wing for a gunstar. Not make a plan that hinges on the villain first being allergic to peanuts. My character's background cannot be a Wikipedia biography with Falco crossed off in my character's name written in. Adding hydraulics to my R2 unit does not give him an Intimidate bonus. No taking the party to Karatura just because my character has a thing for Asian chicks. Will not color-code everything on the ship just to piss off the Varger. No highly educational, no more slipping the anti-powered and sodium pentothal. Can't make the Black Ops super easy by sending a couple of strippers to the guard room first. Not allowed to give my character a name from a Bushman click language. Not possible to tap a keg from mana. Apparently chaotic, angry, and neutral hungry aren't real alignments either. Even if the rule will allow it, can't take out an MBT with a shotgun loaded with slug. My second wish can't be for a new, more open-minded genie to grab my remaining wishes. Can't wish I was a GM. No making up holidays for my cleric. Can't just walk the obstacle course even though I beat everyone who tried to run it. Holding a pillow over a sleeping person's face is not a known wish expression of affection. There is not a spent clip fairy. A bag of holding is a bad place to stash bear traps, badgers, or crushed glass. If the party has to pose as classical German composers, I will not declare I'll be balk. Can't take the spedum as my favorite weapon just because it sounds dirty. No encouraging Swedish accents. Even if the rules give no maximum encumbrance, still can't pick up the bank and walk away with it. There is a reason no game has pasties in a starting equipment list. The power armor skill does not have a cascade skill dance. I will not build a character with a skill from every single expansion book. Not allowed to take a toad for a familiar just before his pharmaceutical properties. Restricted to one blue chip for humor per game. Can't use the time machine to rename famous historical discoveries after myself. Not allowed to forge the 1.1 ring. Fighter can't put points in the form just so he can hammer a dance after each fatal critical hit. No slipping the juicer riddling. In the middle of a chase in a commandeered car can't spend an action to change the radio presets. I can't parry with a cold shot to the face. No more crazy ivans while I'm driving the AT-AT. When challenged to a high noon shootout, that means in the time zone I'm currently in. Burning my bard song on CD and putting on repeat does not mean the effect never ends. Before turning on dead, make sure the assassin didn't take the vampire template. My mythos investigator doesn't talk into sleep. Mashed potatoes did not add to my damage resistance. Not allowed to base a paladin off Lee Marvin. My great axe privileges can be taken away. If I'm leveled up 5 times in the Dragon King Zero, that doesn't mean I'm lapping him. My investigator's motto is not, 99% mythos lore, 1% sanity, do not push me. Even if it was obviously in self-defense, my character is not allowed to kill George Takei. Taekwondoberman is not a real martial arts skill. It is not possible to bioengineer a kosher pig. Even if we are in Ravenloft, paladin can't go up 10 levels in one night. When told I have to join the RPGA to play in a game, can't sign the membership card Dduck. My tribe's trial by combat ritual is not best described as Calvin ball with axes. My paladin's job is not to enforce happiness. My following are not acceptable iron claw characters, mortal wombat, dolly llama, boom or rangatang. Monks do not make three stooges sounds in combat. Even if the rules allow it, can't shoot 20 guys in one round with a musket. No, I can't keep the drought priestess if we just found her as a pet. Start a career in modeling is not an appropriate use of the suggestion spell. You take the scary one is not our default battle strategy. One of his fur's own safety, can't secretly remove the firing pins from the power of gamer's guns. If I have access to warm water, I don't take watch unsupervised. Not allowed to give any birthday gift to a child that merely earns me a dark side point. Despite the movie's claims, wookies get no racial bonus for chess. When building a superhero, can't spend half his points on radar scents and the other half on cooking. Pregen characters do not have cutesy nicknames, even if their real names are pretty lame. Improved invasion of not solid proof duck and cover works. In the middle of the black ops can't lock a bunch of long haired molten cats in the CEO's office. If in the middle of our dressing down our CEO strokes out, we took the joke too far. Not allowed to use guppies as buckshot. Can't hunt drought with a spotlight in a 30-odd 6. The default response to a social challenge in any game is not just to shoot them. Do not sell disputes and paper rock scissors with games of vampire. Fake eye spots on my helmets do not help intimidate the monster. If my personal carried firepower exceeds that of the battleship Texas, they're the problem. I cannot take the dementia, obsession, and counting things if I'm not a Malkavian. On second thought, I can't take it even if I am a Malkavian. My character cannot have a noticeable impact, positive or negative, on a town's population. Large dice are for rolling, not sound effects. Covering fire does not include nuclear weapons. I did not earn the bonus XP for a written background but just a summary of the plot to dig dug. While the party is off searching for secret doors, can't position the slain orcs in compromising positions. In the middle of a black ops can't reprogram the cleaning droids to wax the floors for 12 hours straight. I don't have to take a lower level bard adventuring as my opening act. Taking the Orc Warlord's skull as a trophy is acceptable, not as a hand puppet. Standing the villa on a nymph stripper only works once. Somebody doesn't accidentally fall on two dozen shanks. The adventure wrap-up is the epilogue, not miller time. Cannot challenge anyone to a dance-off to the death. Augment their sigh means their mental powers, not their air pressure. Taking each class as I level in alphabetical order is forbidden. Even if the rules allow it, my paladin can't serve the god of obituaries. My sorcerer will not take a level and drew it just to make it easier to get to the flammable stuff. If everybody in the room is in black leather, we're on the thieves guild, not a fetish club. Even if infinitely useful, absolute power over elastics is not an appropriate superpower. The backup trap handler is not the guy with the lowest intelligence. I cannot have bracers of Brashian until I tell the DM what Brashian really means. Elves do not respond to chainsaws the same way dogs react to vacuum cleaners. My battle mech does not play Dixie every time I hit the jump jets. Even if the mages critically fumbles his stealth check, can't threaten to bleed him slow. Despite the song's claim, a pelvic thrust did not cause sanity loss. Even if we are in Sweden, I can't use one blanket seduction check on the entire crowd. I didn't accidentally forget to buy any skills. I will not run up my bar tab and then skip out leaving the DM's super NPC to foot the bill. Overrunning a larger army is not a glorious victory if it happened at 3AM and they were still in bed. I will stop reminding Elmenster he's not as cool as Merlin, Gandalf, or that shape-changing wizard from Kroll. I cannot lure out the psycho killer into an ambush by having sex with another character. No paraphrasing the party leader's elaborate plan as, pick somebody you don't like and let them know it. Even if the rules allow it, I can't take the first armored division as an ally. Doesn't matter how high my influence is, I still can't make Karma and Miranda hatch part of the unit's dress code. In the middle of Black Ops, no one's starting a memo into the target's computer, mandating clothing optional Mondays. Even if it would have immediately solved the last six adventures, I won't throw dynamite in every well I come across. No more tricking rookies and the punting whoopee cushions on Lord Vader's throne. When handed deities and demigods and told to pick a god for my druid, I will skip right by the Cthulhu mythos. It doesn't matter how high his hit points or damage reduction are, we aren't sending the dwarf into battle via catapult. As a matter of fact, Jeopardy does scream for telepaths. It's not a good idea to taunt Greek heroes with who's your daddy. It doesn't matter if it's an anime style game, I don't get a bonus to hit with Ipokes. Polymorph mother-in-law is not a real spell. The Karen is not Disney World as is run by coyotes. The FBI tends to notice when people buy several miles of hamster tubing at once. It doesn't matter how practical, we aren't reanimating the dead dragon and having him hauled that horde back for us. When plumbing the depths of depravity, I must remember to come up for air. Any superhero offenses a more than two major religions of vetoed. Even if I'm faced with yet another get-of-fineress-looperous errone, I will not refer to him as cliche gavera. We will not take the dead dryad with us to use as kindling. I will not keep reincarnating a bugbear until he comes back as something we can actually eat. A funeral is not a proper place for setting new fashion trends. I will not disbelieve the magic mouth before he gives out the important plot information. Even if it is hours of entertainment, can't feed the red talon peanut butter. I will conceive we're on a dungeon crawl and stop trying to talk to the monsters. Another religion I cannot put born again Klingon. I will not use undocumented zombie workers to help build my castle. Big bee's offensive finger is not a real spell. Even if there is no alignment in Traveler, giving feuding TL-1 tribes TL-12 weapons and putting the results on paper view is just wrong. My doctor's bag will contain more than just a bone saw and a bottle of whiskey. I do not put the cat in decadent nor the rave in depraved. Even if it's catchy, I don't have to yell my battle cry every time I roll to attack. We can't all play barge just to relive our favorite spinal tap moments. I cannot have a gun with an area of fact larger than its range. Richard Simmons is not an appropriate role model for a get-of-fineress. I will not use my vast personal knowledge of doubling Texas to get an unfair advantage in the campaign. My halfling cannot take the flaw obsession, ring of invisibility. Any gun that sets off the metal detector before even passing through it is vetoed. I will not combine thermographic sights and a gun that can shoot through walls. It makes black ops too easy. After cleansing out Ravenloft, when it's my turn to pick treasure, can't call dibs on the castle. If my superhero has a healing factor, claws, combat sins, and longevity, he can't take the flaw total pacifist. If I want to play a rampaging Nordic warrior and get handed a tree-hugging elf hippie instead, I can't play her like a rampaging Nordic warrior. And if I'm playing a chick, I can't spend all my starting cash on shoes. Ribs in the time-space continuum are not for my personal amusement. Buying a bigger gun to not restore sanity. Searching the dead PC for spell components is okay. Using him for spell components is not. Any character that can run the two-minute mile is vetoed. I will not convince the party to name all the characters the same thing. I do not need to see proof of insurance before making a med-tech role. Customs doesn't care what my charisma bonus is. Halflings do not store food in their cheeks for winter. Elves are not deciduous. Despite evidence of the contrary, half elves do not automatically go both ways. Evidence-enhancing spells gain no benefit from meta-magic feats. I will not try to regain sanity by nailing the reporter-chicken public. Dwarves do not get roto-routers with racial weapons. I will not brag too loudly. I'm the real reason behind the sinking of the Titanic. Cultists tend to notice that we replace their summoning ritual with jitterbug instructions. Invisibility is all or nothing. You can't just target their clothes. I can't just keep buying rounds of drinks until everybody passes out so I can rob them. I will not miss the final epic battle just because I crypt my seduction check. Polish is not a subdialect of gnomish. Any action causing the powergamer to storm off while actually appreciated is frowned upon. Healing people or other face gives a penalty in deadlands, not serenity. I will not have the architect build my castle using a hexadecimal base to screw with the powergamer. I will not fill the bag of holding with dirt so we can just fill in pit traps as we detect them. In the middle of Black Ops, a diversion of not blowing off the top 24s of the building. Can't set the bag on fire until after I've blown the persuasion roll. If I fail to make a bluff check, can't shoot him to change it to an intimidate check. Not possible to fire a gun with your teeth. Humming the James Bond theme in the middle of Black Ops doesn't give me any bonuses. They make plate metal in a variety of styles, crotchless is not one of them. Can't use my attack bonus as a substitute for the skill, Hibachi Chef. I can't take telekinesis as an auxiliary mode just to get free food from the snack machine. Dual wielding spike chains do not let me use the battle cry, danger will rob us in danger. I will not convince the entire party to play rocker boys so we can be a Europe cover band. Can't take a level of monk just for tone. Druggy is not a starting language. After casting my one first level spell, can't leave the dungeon to go to sleep. Can't bribe the bio-kinetic to take my drug test for me. On second thought, let's not disguise the wookies in the Stormtrooper uniforms. Our runic facial tattoo is acceptable for my berserker, not a betty boop. Have one point and every single skill in the game doesn't count as a superpower. Can't clean out the dungeon by renting the adjacent dungeon and being as obnoxious as possible. Goldfish do not get a bonus in a stair down. My mech gunner can't have a nude pent up in his cockpit, especially if it's over his pilot. But she's hot, it's not an acceptable excuse for my black ops solo dating the tabloid reporter. No matter how much we look, we're not fighting the secret door leading to the back of the villains hideout. Druids do not hibernate. Before I make my next wish, I have to ask myself, is this going to shatter the very fabric of reality again? Any gun that can fire more rounds in one shot than I can physically carry is vetoed. If given a stock NPC, I must play him as written, so Jar Jar has to lose the serrapin and the cigar. I do not get a bulk discount at the genies guild. The flaw of tedious personal habit teleports in the romantic moments is only available at the maximum penalty. The kinetic redhead chick is not a real superhero. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot circumnavigate the world on foot in one turn. There are no alignment restrictions on becoming a lawyer. Nowhere in the Bible does this say ninjas have to line up in a straight line to fight me. If escorting a high priority target, I can't bioscope the entire team to look like her. Nerve gas complicates fast talk rolls. I take the shape of any animal the GM doesn't know. The power of Christ compels me to not justify my blessed actions. I cannot take life insurance out on anybody I have for the enemy background. Psychotherapy doesn't eliminate the alignment change penalty. Just because I've hit name level does not automatically give me groupies. I will not abuse the exemplary virtue to set up highly choreographed dance routine with random crowds. In the middle of a black ops, I cannot make an educational video. We do not need an elf on this dungeon crawl for the same reason reminders need canaries. I am not Bjorn of Borg. Before accepting a harem as a reward for my heroism needs a check with the wife. I can't get any equipment before the GM can Google it. If Australia doesn't exist, I can't use my Australian accent even if I am playing a space koala. I cannot bet the power gamer he can't fillstrip the grenade faster than me. Even if the rules allow it, I can't catch drop cannonballs with my teeth without drawbacks. I will not make my castle walls 9x9x9 to keep out gelatinous cubes. The ability to give superpowers to characters is acceptable, naming the character Captain franchise is not. The most important stat in Koala Cthulhu is not movement. If we're Sutherland does not make numerous cameos in my character's background telling him he's destined for greatness. No matter how high my strength, still can't use that wall as a shield. I will not convince the entire party to play identical Kybe to the same character on the grounds where sex tuplets. No matter his age, my bard can't start a boy band. Despite the halberd being six foot long, I can't hit monsters more than five feet away. Even if it's been more than two hours since we left the bar, the dwarf isn't getting the DTs. No matter how practical, I can't have shotgun chucks. The town drunk is not our one stop source for all mythos happening in every town. I will not base my Koala Cthulhu character off the lead character in Slingblade. Even if I'm pissed for working on my birthday and available black ops, I will not refer to my CO only by its first name. If I don't have an instrument from my bardic song, an air mandolin won't suffice. After creating with a cannon, we can't dump a barrel gunpowder over the gunner's mate. Elves aren't marsupials. Even if we're freezing to death, I can't cut open a half orc and shove the elf inside him. Using pre-cog on the personals to find out who puts out on the first day of abusing the power, there is no such thing as a tequila golem. A paladin with a British accent is acceptable, one with a Peter Lorre accent isn't. When I'm allowed a bunny as a familiar, that doesn't include Avafabian. I will not make a superhero that requires a graphing calculator to create. I cannot take the flaw enemy random packs of wild dogs. Threesome is not a specialty of the seduction skill. Shotguns are not a traditional part of Texas funerals. For short change at the Hong Kong deli, I will call the manager not roll for initiative. There is something wrong with a second level kamikaze. I was not issued a flamethrower for my own personal amusement. Disabled plot device is not a real skill. Nowhere in the plan does Franco go in where the others have been. Mummus does not appear in the starting equipment list for a reason. As a matter of fact, a 90 foot tall hostile pineapple is much more terrifying than a dragon. My last wish cannot be for Ragnarok. Trailed blaze means find a path, not cut down every tree between here and there. Elves do not take 1d-3-1 minutes for their entire menstrual cycle. In the middle of a black ops, I cannot moonlight as tech support. Even if it isn't the rules, I have to use the same scale miniature as everyone else. I cannot switch miniatures between each combat. Even if I'm starving, can't suckle the elf chick. David Bowie can't cast glitter dust at will. This issue is also closed. When asked to describe my character, I can leave out the hickeys. Even if he botches his medicine roll, I can't sue the med tech for malpractice. Keele the Wabbit is not a proper Viking battle cry. The rest of the party would appreciate if it don't take Munch-Hawson syndrome by proxy of the flaw. Even if the rule will allow it, I can't empty out the entire castle for a week with just a cherry bomb. Corporate pop whore is not a real prestige class. Dracar Hart Gorgeur is not a proper name for a paladin. Dwarves can't take trees as favorite enemies. I can't beat on a drought until he admits his name is Toby. The script for the Baywatch movie does not cause more sanity loss than the Necronomicon. I can't train squirrel mobs to abuse the grapple rules. I will stop referring to the power gamer as Min Maximus. No matter how bad the game is going, I won't straddle the table like Slim Pickens writing a bomb. Phone finger of death is not a real spell. I cannot start with an armor class higher than my actual age. Not permitted to die from essence loss during character creation. Even if I bot the book at Walmart, I don't get a discount on advantages. If I take the poison immunity advantage, that doesn't include radiation. The whole expedition to the Barrier Peaks dream sequence. Texans do not get revolvers of the racial weapon proficiency. No matter how many points I put into the skill, I can't use sword swallowing to parry. Stone giants don't have heat sinks. Even if we're facing Yawn-T, my battle cry cannot be Cobra! Probe to self, lightsaber chucks. Bad idea. The expressive dance skill is not a substitute for language skills. I will stop blaming every massacre we come across on the septicons. Despite what the rules say, berserking does not improve my aim. Even if spells are use them or lose them, I will not waste meteor swarms on a goblin. I will not lay siege to Cinderella's castle. Elves do not give Viking funerals. Even if we have more ammo than fuel, I still have to cut down the tree with the chainsaw, not the heavy machine gun. If we have to add a new PC mid-campaign, he doesn't have to pass a drug test first. Can't use the Jedi Mindtrip to convince the stormtroopers the droids over there are the droids they were looking for. Can't start the game with 24 hours to live. The blub skill is no substitute for actually knowing the spell. These make poor thongs and vice versa. If I have two cyber arms, they have to be on different sides. My character cannot gain a level through nepotism. I will not use the D-20 system to test the validity of any Kennedy assassination theory. My character has mastery level in singing. I do not. I will not convert to L.S. Trey just so I can watch naked drought chicks get in her groove on. No matter how much he pisses me off, I will not raise the barbarians dead mother-in-law. Just because my superhero game is 18 stats and yours only has three, doesn't mean mine is six times better. Monofilament does not automatically make the world a better place. Holding the hand crossbow sideways gangsta style does not add to my intimidate check. Even if I wait for the ninja to jump at me, I can't crucify him with a repeating crossbow in a single round. If at any point in his lifespan my character can clear out every single cave of chaos in one single round, he's vetoed. My druid can't summon or change into a skunk. No seriously, it's not allowed in a real book. Kangaroo's report substitutes for tauntons. There is no such thing as a viking-assisted suicide. Jury summoning one is not a real spell. I cannot name my character anything that was suggested by Tom Servo. Doesn't matter if I'm just using a spot weld. Force lightning still gets me a dark side point. Erasing the compass on the map and redrawing it in reverse does not mean the villain will start building his evil railroad backwards. Ninjas do not have a hive mind. No matter how much ammo I start with, I can't impact the total world supply. We will not gut every animal we kill to see if they have treasure inside like in video games. I can't stabilize the dying villain before we make our escape just in case he was a load-bearing villain. If my troll is the smartest character in the party, the entire party is vetoed. I will not attempt to overdose on road gain so I can disguise myself with a wookie. I can't summon anything in MM4 just so I can take a bathroom break while the DM looks it up. If the weapon has the three-handed trait, I don't get a sidekick just for the extra hand. As a matter of fact, the high and tight buzz cut doesn't exist and exalted. I'm not automatically eliminated from the crappy module if I guess the wrong murderer like include so I should stop making random accusations. I was not raised by a pack of feral ironclads. I will not call the Elf Druid by his real impossibly long elf name and not just Lana War leaf blower. I will also not simply refer to the Elf Druid as that dirty, dirty hippie. There is no such thing as a dwarven battle perm. Canadian is not a real language. When I get to the custom weapons creation section, I will keep turning those pages. Even if the villain is lawful evil, slapping a cease and assist order on him isn't going to work. I will go into the villain's lair and take him out the old fashioned way, not just wait outside his favorite bar with a rifle. In a middle of a black ops, I do not have time to put a banana in the exhaust port of their AB-9. Even if I think of something that Demulich isn't immune to, he's immune to it. Even if my character sheet says otherwise, I can't max out the party with Delta-class cyberware immediately after character generation. Even if I can prove at least half a dozen practical uses for it, I can't have a slip and slide for the dungeon crawl. Even if we're playing in the New Republic era, I can't call dibs a Boba Fett armor. If the GM's wife is in the party, I'm not allowed to hunt anything cute. I do not get to put remote detonation switches into the weapons of any PCs I build them for. I cannot have a handgun that starts out doing more damage than most people have wounds. I do not have to check before each adventure that my fellow adventurers are not doppelgangers, sylons, or pod people. Even if we are a wamprat hunting, we don't have to dye the wookie fluorescent orange. I will go take out the villain's dungeon the old-fashioned way and not use magic to reroute a river into it instead. After rerouting a river through the villain's lair, I will not pan for gold whenever the river comes out. Just because the game left the rules for stun setting grossly unbalanced doesn't mean I have to take advantage of it. Despite the name, I can't actually wear a cloaker, but I will fail the nodes to cloakways over a quarter ton. Metal detectors don't automatically find sylons. When told to dress like a goth, I will make sure with no uncertainty whether they mean black clothes and eyeliner or chain mail and shield. There is no such thing as a wear saxophonist. At forty-eight straight hours, a pistol weapon doesn't convince the terrorists to spill his guts. Another forty-eight hours probably won't either. A tattooed gun does not standard equipment in a mapping kit. The cryo-kinetic is forever banned from water balloon flights. Under the rule of the law, my sumo wrestler can't take superhuman attractiveness. There is no such thing as a brothel crawl. My IRSN will not use its powers to help fill out Wikipedia articles. My sumo wrestler can't have lap-ban surgery without affecting his martial art skills. Everybody wangchung tonight is not acceptable use of the mass suggestion spell. Tornadoes do not have hit points. Even if I take twice as long, that doesn't mean I can take forty. I cannot try and throw large blunt objects at Malkavians, kobolds, or kinder, or their players. Even if the game is a crappy rip-off of World of Warcraft, my character can't speak elite. Even if I roll a natural twenty, I can't jump the Grand Canyon on a stock steamroller. In the middle of a black ops, if a character dies I will not disavow knowledge of him until after the mission's over. If the battle goes for twenty rounds, we don't have to stop and wait for the Zamboni guy to clean up the battlefield. I will not tell the rookies they can roll down their Wildwing's windows. My wizard does not need to shout out the name of what he's summoning every time he picks a creature. Anything short of Adamantian full play does not consider light armor for dwarves. In the middle of a black ops, I can't start a major corporation war just because I'm bored stiff with the current run. Even if he used intelligence of the dumb stat, I don't have to carve this end towards enemy on the barbarian's axe blade. If I'm in an assault mech, bump drafting is discouraged. After a successful black ops, before I'm paid I will not immediately adopt a dozen children for the tax breaks. I cannot wish as someone else with an Oscar Meyer wiener. I will not cut the vault guards in on the hall instead of fighting them. 1980's breakdancing moves had their place, and in front of the Vodassi Prince is not one of them. Just because I was paid in advance doesn't mean I can let the incompetent expedition leader die. There is a limit to how much in your window I can fit into one combat round. Even if it was just my character speaking, I would not claim Texas was stolen from Mexico. I will live longer that way. I cannot put nod-ins on speed dial. I will not attempt to clear out the dungeon using only Bangalore torpedoes. Picking his pocket means more than just turning him upside down and shaking him vigorously. I will not do anything that Bilbo Baggins hates. If I have enough putting silencers on my mini gun doesn't work. There is no such thing as a magic murder bag of holding. I will stop referring to the Eladrin as just the Elf Mock 2. I will not shoot vampires in the chest with a large pistol just so they have to explain the embarrassing sucking chest wound. I will not take a phobia of anything that doesn't exist in the game world. If I have an ability to let me alter minor aspects of my appearance, that doesn't include girth. Add bulldozers to the list of things vampires are allergic to. Can't strangle a werewolf with a roll of Kodak film no matter what we all know it's made out of. In the middle of a black ops, I will not use up all the claymores just because I don't want to take them back with me. I cannot have my mercy surgically removed. If I'm in charge, I can't order the assault lance to perform west side story dance routines. If given a holy avenger sword, I can't melt it down and reforge it until a weapon my paladin actually uses. Even if it still gives a combat bonus to everybody else, I can't just stand there and read a common book behind the villain. In the middle of a black ops, I can't call my girlfriend to remind her to pick up some Chinese on our way home. I will leave out mating rituals when presenting a cultural exchange with diplomatic ambassadors. Letting the red shirt guard the plains really frowned upon as it doesn't leave anybody to sacrifice to the shogoths. Cannot start the campaign on fire. Will not start all my skills at 89% just so I get massive sand boost early. I cannot rick roll people with any video that increases or mythos lore. I will refrain from casting dimension jump and magnificent mansion on every police box we pass. I cannot wish we were playing the previous edition of the game. Stomping a water elemental right above the fire elemental doesn't work. There will be no more debating how much XP Mr. Tumnus would be worth. I cannot be the bizarro version of another player. Nowhere in my barbarian description will I include the word jaunty. My eschew does not get bonus frequent fire miles automatically during character generation. Doesn't matter how big we make it. A pit trap isn't going to take out the Tarask. I have to go into the dungeon, not just send in dozens of summoned creatures every morning. Fireballs don't have a non-lethal option. I will ponder this after I cast one at the guy we needed alive. My weapon is a three flaming flail, not my great balls of fire. I will not use a portable hole to cheat at golf. In the middle of a black ops, I will not look at the target's HR files to see if they have better benefits. I will not use the major staff of wizardry in lieu of a pull queue. Torturing the forest doesn't give me any XP for anything inside the forest. I cannot have any gun that lets me kill the villain without being at least an adjacent county. A second level commoner is not twice as common as the first level commoner. If we don't have a thief, I can't call AAA to slim Jim the dungeon entry door. I will lick the Rhodians antennae and stick him to the wall while he sleeps. No matter how long his speech is, my sniper will not shoot the speaker introduced in the target. During the side jump, my neutral can't do mean things to the scions while they are tripping. I will not try to feed the Quinn extremely salty food to see if he melts. Our mission is to rescue the princess, not to bring sexy back. Instead of giving detailed instructions on pages 50-51, can't take Cloud City on a joyride. I can't wish to change my vote on what module we're playing. Baseline is not an acceptable perform skill specialty. Thry Kreen does not have the flaw Obsession Pretty Lights. The party leader is not the one that looks best in a chainmail bikini. I can't make it rain before the invention of paper currency. If I make a cowboy with the young and flaw, I can't name him Sue. If I don't have any points in med tech, I can't try faith healing. We will not end every adventure with a public service announcement. If my character requires the GM to memorize the rules for siege warfare, he's vetoed. We can't trade the Ranger for a giant pirate or Padre. I am forbidden from using more than 10 source books to make one character. I will wait for the GM to finish his incredibly complicated riddle before answering correctly. I can't wish for somebody to publish the rules for gnomes or barge. The time machine is not for collecting autographs. I can stop rolling at seven times dead. I am forbidden from doing anything that makes a passer by flinch. If even the rules allow it, I can't have my uneducated peasant start with every known language. If the rules contradict Isaac Newton, Newton wins. I will not send the villain a fake message his mother is coming and then attack him while he's cleaning. My brooding costume vigilante can't take the flaw dark secret, well adjusted to society. Despite overwhelming evidence of the contrary, Dick Clark is not Shemsu Hiru. Even if I spend the points, I can't take the USS Montana as an ally. My knight will not buy a Shetland pony just so he can use his lance underground. I will remember the spiked chain cheese monster is allergic to the improved Sunderfeet. I will stop asking NPCs how much XP they are worth. The seduction skill does not have a two hit on roll. No matter how well I make my bluff check, the Star Destroyer crew isn't going to believe I'm the new captain. Pressing up the wizard as the monk still won't stop monsters from appearing beside him and attacking him first. When asked what game we want the LARP, Frogger is not an option. Chilling Hoga leaves did not make me a goddamn sexual Rhinodon. No it won't help if we put a silencer on the bazooka. When approached by a famous historical figure, I can assume he's a time traveler and not a zombie. Paladin is due to urinate. In the middle of a black ops, my buttocks is forbidden from making contact with the target's copy machine. It's okay to feed the Ewoks after midnight. Flashbangs are not to be handed out the trick or treaters. A stagehand does not get a better sneak bonus than ninjas. I will not conga-line the pattern. Superpowers that are only useful to ART majors are vetoed. My last wish cannot be for a cage match between Cthulhu, Godzilla, Galactus, and the Tarask. I will avoid making wishes that locks the game in an infinite time loop. I will not go to FTL just to avoid the red lights. I will not min-max the appraised skill just to clean up on the price's right. Even if we cleared it out, we can't turn White Plume Mountain into a theme park. Even if the rules allow it, I can't put a spinal-mounted weapon on a bicycle. I cannot have a destroyed that requires me to take the ally advantage two dozen times just to crew it. Stan Lee does not have to make a cameo appearance in every single adventure. Even if I make it out of one continuous design, a Dreschenesian castle doesn't count as one object. Just blow them out of the airlock and not a backup first contact protocol. Even if it's totally feasible, I can't indefinitely stall our rival with a bureaucracy check. My Panzer hand doesn't get a vote. Smartass is not a character role. I can't have any feet in the main book at the feet it's written in pencil. In the middle of a black ops, I can't download several thousand songs on the target's computer and then call the RIAA. There is no such thing as ambiguously elven. Even if he is chaotic evil, I can't turn states evidence against a fellow party member. Even if the boss monster has 100% magic resistance, my wizard can't just go catch a movie. I will keep rolling until I get a superpower I can actually use. I can't have any gun that has an NPC-only trigger guard. And, if they never suspect it, my Jedi can't have a flamethrower. No, we can't see if the party can beat Temple of Elemental Evil in under an hour. I will stop trying to put the half-lin in a diabetic coma. If I adjust a few XP from 16th level, I can't just cast fireballs at random forests until I hit something. I can't have a gun that trades buildings as light cover. No matter what the dice just said, I didn't kill the villain with the first shot of the combat. Elves do not have to go to the bathroom in groups. Pain was not fit in the standard aether jar. The Vulcan neck pinch doesn't work in campaign without Vulcans. Just because my sword is intelligent doesn't mean he can do my math homework for me. It's a strangled hold. Not an ogre neck pinch. Your certain women are not instantly recognizable by their beards. And, if the rules allow it, I can't hit stone with the stone cold stunner. Having more beer than an enemy doesn't give me a morale bonus from the mass combat chart. No feat allows me to open beer cans with my pecs. The Death Star does not need a cabin boy. Overused cliche is not an appropriate favorite enemy. I cannot gain drama dice in games I am not actually in. It's okay if you name your kindred Alucard, but I still can't name my Garu Namflow. No matter how low or intelligent they aren't going to fall for a large wooden horde outside the gates of Mordor. Head, heart, run is not our posse's motto. No matter how much sense it makes, we can't paint the glitter boy a camo scheme. My first act as executive officer can't be a mutiny. Unallowed to use the replicator and transport to fill the bird of prey with Jello. I can't take invisibility to detect invisibility. My fighter can't use the monster manual as a to-do list. No making up patron saints. No part of the adventure is clothing optional. No matter what the dice say, I didn't just seduce Chun-Li and Cammie. It takes more than one pick pocket roll to totally derail the campaign. I can't wish that somebody competent wrote this module. Any of the game is dreadfully repetitive. Our party is motto can't be wash, rinse, repeat. I will not point out that Drow Matron would make more money as an exotic dancer, even if it's true. Must at least pay lip service to the meta plot. It's not possible to stampede dwarves. When told to pick a published superhero to play, Johnny Cash is not allowed. Paul Stanley is perfectly acceptable. There is no such thing as a strap-on beard. It doesn't matter if we took the large advantage, we aren't using the usurin as ballast. I will address the other PC of Lord Tyrion, Eldrick Knight of the Wintercourt, and not just as the Siege Remail. Any of the rules disagree, my character can still drown. I cannot take the following as my favorite enemies, Southpawds, Mother-in-Law, or Kinesian Economists. If I'm being Shanghai into playing a rather crappy campaign, can't use Constitution as a dumb stat. We aren't luring the Arisaka agents out of the safe house by making ice cream truck noises. Splitting the atom at will is not an acceptable superpower. Ignored a meta plot is also not an acceptable superpower. No, the answer to the problem is not to make a gatling gun out of bazookas. Can't base my character off a smurf. Even if I could base my character off a smurf, Gherka's smurf was not a real smurf. No matter what the dice say, my Renaissance inventor didn't just invent spaceflight. If the villain's three-room lair holds over 100 brutes, can't just tip off the Fire Marshal. No rerouting the rollercoaster through the Umbra. Can't blame it on my gun. Will not retrofit the Federation starship with fuses. Heavy bolters don't come with a pistol grip. I will stop referring to my rogue as a freelance subterranean locksmith. The lock-picking kit must be more than a sawed-off shotgun. Dwarves are physically incapable of performing the dance of the seven veils. Even if the guy I base my character off was famous for doing it, I can't kill eight guys with one bullet. Weapon-focused nukes is not a real feat. There will not be any sex in other players' battle mechs. My paladin can be charged with sexual harassment if he doesn't watch exactly where he lays on hands. Any character that makes a seasoned rift player flinch is vetoed and shall never be spoken of again. I can't check the sole forge in his baggage. Will not reanimate dead familiars just to keep them around for sentimental reasons. Freeing slaves out of justice is good, out of spite, not so much. No, I can't have an HR Geiger counter. An elf wardancer chicken nothing but body paint is totally hot. A vestan berserker nothing but body paint, not so much. Basing characters off guest thought of historical characters is fine unless it's Miyamoto Musashi and the mom from What's Happening. Gold dragons do not conduct electricity better than other dragons. The two primary types of halflings are not Flathead and Philips. My mad scientist does not get to divide the party into control and test groups. For the last time, the elf wears the made disguise and the troll wears the bouncer disguise. There is no such thing as a nomus pygmy sea and eye rhino eater. Just because I can play a charismatic vestan-mangeanir, missionary cleric doesn't mean I should. My Buddhist monk will lose the cockney accent. Let's not taunt the minotaur with how appropriate you fight like a cow. I will spend my martial arts technique points on things other than blocking and running away. And if the rules allow it, a laser sight doesn't add to my chain gun's accuracy. Yes, if I have one on each barrel. I will refrain to take character roles that the game forgot to make any rules for. Just because I'm playing an anthropomorphic emperor marmoset doesn't give me the noble advantage for free. Cannot bribe the target's HR director to start casual fridges just to make our upcoming black ops easier that week. I can't avoid plot mandated ambushes no matter how hard I try. No, I can't have a magelock mini slugger. I will not spend all my freebie points buying quanta-kinetic auxiliary modes. No, we can't wield a Star Destroyer's bridge shut. There is a 100 XP penalty every time we remind the GM of the Bionic Six. If the adventure includes the birth of a god, we still can't file for a holiday pay of that day. In the middle of a black ops, I can't compose an offensive joke on the target's CEO's email and CC the entire company. If the GM can't lift all the Gerbs books needed to run my character, he's vetoed. The 10-foot pole on the Star Destroyer equipment list cannot support the weight of an exotic dancer. Scorched Earth Day is not a holiday, even in Cyberpunk. Nothing in Victoria's Secret Catalog is available in Dragkinesian. Even if they are better in combat according to character generation, the United States Marine Corps frowns on octogenarians in front-line combat. No amount of background will allow me to name the character Biff Buttoms. State trippers are immune to the effects of the delirium, so I need to find another way out of that speeding ticket. No matter how well I make my fashion roll, Le Emperor is not going to the ball dressed in a Catholic schoolgirl's uniform. Everybody was not gun food fighting. Even if my character is Canadian, that doesn't mean he can take a 1.524 meter free step. I will pick my character's girlfriend based on something more than how much fire support she can provide. I will not one-shot an Eisen first. The plan will not continue until the GM finds out who Xan Tavik is. I will do nothing that tarnishes Hello Kitty's memory. Defeatifying breasts while impressive do not count as a superpower. Even if my character is orthodox Jewish, I will check other character's pulse before trying to bury them. A NASCAR pit crew cannot repair all my vehicle's damage in one round. My character will refrain from appearing with Hitler in any history books, especially if I am chasing him with a wheat thresher. Fauner Pausen's boy toy is not technically a position at court. I will only use the module's suggested tactics to stop the ground assault and ignore the squadron of Wild Wings 100 meters away. There is no such thing as a ballistogram. I will not accuse the traveler of new service of liberal bias. The Ewok does not appreciate the giant hamster wheel we put in his quarters, ingrate. I will not spend my entire mustard bonus on lottery tickets. If another player took the disadvantaged stutters, I can't take a crie. Black and Decker do not make droids either. I will not blow all my points and extra limbs just so I can play the superhero millipede man. Just because the great race of yes effect of sanity is minimal doesn't mean I should bite them over for dinner with the folks. The very concept of a hut lap dancer will earn me a dark side point. The M203 is not for long range bokeh ball. Giving someone a spot for me is not going to give me a bonus on a strength check. I will not hack somebody into looking like a pinata, especially in Mexico City. Even if silence is required for the entire adventure, we are not naming the black ops operation Mime Crime. I will tell the noob the game is about post nuclear Europe and not love struck vampire before we start. You cannot tell if somebody is a power gamer by the faint smell of Gouda. I cannot fill a buster in the middle of my dying speech to buy the cleric more time. Even if we are told to pick a manly name for the game, genocyticals is a bit much. Can't lure the bastard into an ambush by turning on the can opener. Jack LaLaine, wrong type of juicer. If unsure of what side of the road we drive on, the middle of the road is not a healthy compromise. Such squads make poor bridesmaids, the reverse is not necessarily true. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot become famous for not becoming famous. There is no God of Wombats no matter how much I pray. If I have to explain to the Halfland sister why we dressed him like a raccoon, we're all in trouble. No matter how cool it would be, we can't use the time machine to loan Ike a few A-10 squadrons for D-Day. I don't get a drama to die just because of the GMPs. I will not waste wishes on professional sporting events. Hooking up with the gamer chick the storyteller with Anglin Ford gets me banned from the game. When attempting to lure the giant to sleep with a bardic lullaby, I will leave out the lyric, so we can kill you. I will not program medical droid for aggressive dentistry. I will not dare the wage mage into trying to summon a class 20 spirit. Guardian mode is not just for flipping people the bird in the middle of battle. Even when we are issued a nuke, I am not allowed to touch it. I will stop trying to get a reality TV show for our Black Ops team. We are not going to stall 10,000 Eurikai with a fake toll booth. Pointing out the massive plot hole in the villain's plan is not going to stop her from attacking. Before we start, let's make sure whether everybody blows up if I shoot a shield with a last gun. Preliminary Saturation Carpet Bomb is not automatically Plan A. Even if I only get to swing a sword once per minute, I can't stop the smoke between attacks. I can't call my gun by a stupid nickname, even if it's the ones the game suggested. Wood chimpers while useful aren't normal gear for our Black Ops. I will not tell the new players gelatinous cubes come in a variety of yummy flavors. The cleric is not tax exempt. No matter how much fun we are not retrofitting a tank with jump jets, I cannot mint my own currency. Just because they make a miniature without ability doesn't mean I can take that ability. I will not use the mass suggestions spell to make the elf babes to make out. Gnomes are not nature's tripods. Dwarves do not groom themselves like cats or baboons. Dwarves do too have nipples. Halflings are not to be used as currency. Bidgeo leans into pitch not a real kung fu maneuver. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot have a mono filament sledgehammer. If we can't fit the droid in the freighter, I can't play him. No matter how well I make the animal handling role, I can't break in a juggernaut of corn. Setting Jawas on fire with a magnifying glass is an automatic dark side point. Recycle tires will cause aggravated wounds on a case-by-case basis. No feed affects hangtime. We will limit the total amount of conversation on the topic of hot gnome-on-gnome action. I will not threaten to glue the old rules for gnomes over the new rules for elves mock too. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot disarm someone of melee with a longbow. I will not just dump the vampire into Umbra and call today. Having a grow tea will not give me a bonus for sneaking into the villain's lair. Portable plot hole is not a real magic item. I will not start a Ponzi scheme involving the entire party. Even if I couldn't attend a session when everything went to hell, it's still my fault. The Stanley Cup does not have the same power as the Holy Grail, even on Canadians. The MMORPG Convert doesn't actually have to role play in its first game. Characters wanting to join the party do not have to undergo the Flash Gordon Tree Monster Ceremony. I cannot have a palanquin in my starting gear. Having a reputation for having a reputation does not grant me more reputation. I will quit hogging the legend chips. No digging out the buds of my character and reusing them. No using the grapple rules that change the course of history. I will not take on the entire dungeon using only one body part to attack. The Eldar really hate it when you greet them with live long and prosper. No matter his condition, we aren't selling the villain's corpse as modern art. Count on a backup villain if we ace the first one in two rounds without damage. I will not give my preteen kids my work number, especially if I'm in a black ops. The monkey grip feat doesn't have anything to do with gripping monkeys. While I know no writer's bare breasts are not acceptable weakness for my superhero. I will stop shooting at natural disasters. No spending on my starting gold and just a loincloth. Can't use dominate to make vampires forget to change their clocks for daylight savings time. I will not spoil the adventure's mandatory ambush by using the cheesy tactic of a scout. It's obvious I'm just playing a scald so I can sing Bjornin Bjornin Disco Inferno. The primary dwarf subraces are sedimentary, igneous, and metamorphic. I will not vote to play a game that has needed a rules decision from an economist. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot fence with a katana. I can't have a skill if the rules say I can't have. Even if the rules say I'm also good at it. Bleaching the drought won't help. Despite what the rules say, bobsledding through the Vatican is much harder than it looks. I will not make the DM break out the siege rules until my least second level. Even if the dungeon has only one exit, can't just starve the villain out. A black ops is not the appropriate place to declare my Kansas City for mayor. Carpet bombing is not an appropriate specialization for a starting character. The guy with the melted gun doesn't automatically have to carry the popcorn. I do not have time in the black ops to play Tetris with the building lights. The elvish language is not just English with a hell with a lot of lisping. I cannot convert to scottish just for tax purposes. Doing fifty out of forty-five does not cause an alignment check for the paladin. Gods don't tap out. Montaigne aren't required to surrender after the second turn. Eisen first wish didn't appreciate the lap dance. I will keep the fact that King's heraldry looks like a ferret in need of a Heimlich maneuver to myself. Lying about benefits being cut are not going to make the guards too disgruntled to fight back later. I am not he who would not be named only in passing. It is not a race to zero sin. No spending half the game sessions seeing what rhymes with Nier with Ohtup. If I didn't manage to work all the lyrics to 22 Acacia Avenue and character in the game, no bonus XP. If the party goes out like 300 that's cool, Dalma and Louise not so much. When the DM sobers up my paladin's flunk mount is as good as dead. Using my prior knowledge of the adventure to force the game along while encouraged is discouraged, then trotty are not good eating. Emergency supplies are not for childish pranks. The dibs system is not a recognized method of promotion in the Ordo Amaleus. In case of premature termination, the dungeon boss has an identical twin brother on standby. High recoil guns and roller skates are not an accepted method of transportation. You can't find true names in a phone book. If the top floor is too well defended, can't just blow off the necks to the top floor. Can't start the game with echolocation. I will not wait until the first combat to tell the new guide to lower his AC to better. In the middle of a black ops, I don't have time to elope. Wizards do not have to save against carpal tunnel syndrome. My ally advantage in arch enemy flaw can't both represent the same person. If I take a Buddhist monk, I get lots of combat bonuses that I can't use without violating my religion. Any of the rules allow it, can't catch bullets with my pecs. My bard will not take a trombone just so he can attack and use his bard song at the same time. No such thing as preemptive last rites. Any plan that would quickly, logically, and safely defeat the module early is doomed to failure. Cannot summon an elemental out of any material that only exists in a laboratory environment. Cannot name my droid, W.E.G-G6. Despite its phenomenal success rate, a multi-melta is not the solution to all my problems. When the dwarf has an idea, no making the he's drunk motion behind his back. The paladin does not appreciate us painting his dire tiger green and orange. Like a cow who goes to the well too often, I will stop speaking only in metaphors. Will not blow all my skill points at this ballroom dances. I will remember the Japanese response to uncomfortable situations to giggle, not a kick into Kiwis. The ability to mimic other player's luck powers does not make me a karmic chameleon. Even if the game is set in 1912, the female characters get a vote on the party's actions. Even if the rules allow it, can't fish with a flamethrower. I will not insist on playing a lamb pilot just to see if the Robotech lawyers were really serious. Dwarves do not have the racial ability to merge into a larger, more powerful dwarf. I will not take resources 0 and status 5 and just confiscate money as I need it. Cannot use the requisition skill to get a beach house in the virgin islands, even if Congress can. My sideburns cannot earn their own fear rating. I must sing my kids to sleep before the black ops. I will not sing other characters' kids to sleep before, during, or after the black ops. None of the summon animal spells will get me the drummer from the muppets. No cross-classing just to get all the different animal sidekicks. Will not break into the other player, her three-and-a-half foot elf is not taller than my three-foot six tall gnome. The party will not enter into a taunting that just encourages the evil players. No matter what the rules say, I can't chase the villain around the map indefinitely. When I'm told to get an alias, that didn't mean that chick with the azure bonds. The concept of puberty is not alien to the elves. There is more to playing a fend than cell phones, reindeer, and sniper rifles. Even if I have a salient point, I won't call the Rush Limbaugh show in the middle of a black ops. If I'm playing an alien, I can't have alkaline for blood. Burning ore spell does not cause jock itch. Using the time machine to put W at the front of the alphabet is silly. I will not add to restriction only to cook eggs to any of my superpowers. The island of small breasted fantasy females does not exist. Even if Detroit can do it, I can't add the trait randomly bursting the flames to my car. There is more to stopping a zombie whore than pungy pits. Just because I can doesn't mean I should drop a house on the witch. No amount of dots in fashion will let me use my bio-varg for formal gear. I cannot convince the entire party to play squats. I cannot take a sidekick if all is going to do is trail with a high-powered rifle. Dropping a tree on the lich creates more rules problems than it's worth. My bard will not stop every passing menstrual for a round of dueling banjos. I will not use the ventriloquism skill to deliver bad news to the emperor. Even if the rules allow it, can't add the high-speed pursuit option to a steamroller. I will not turn the DM into a drinking game. No metamagic feat lets me add fragmentation to my spells. When playing a teleporter, I will buy the ability to actually teleport. I will not just buy the ability to teleport everybody but me. When I'm out of character, the hand puppets come off. I will not use the time machine to make don't blame me I voted for Tilden bumper stickers. Shooting him in the foot first does not give me a bonus to the ridicule check. Even if historical accuracy is important in the adventure, I will not become the Nazi Nazi. I will not convince the dragon to eat the elf instead because he's organically grown. I will not take the mirror image spell literally and just shoot the wizard as not left-handed. My first wish cannot be to invalidate the previous character's last wish. Despite what the rules say, it doesn't take 45 minutes to choke a 10th level fighter to death. I cannot take the parachute skill until somebody invents the parachute. We are not going through the phone book to see whose name is a killing word either. It is not automatically assumed whatever vehicle my cop commandeers is a monster truck. North Equatorial, Kansas is not a real state. Nowhere in the timeline is Superfly McBoomboom, a U.S. Vice President. No part of the Constitution is written in visible ink. The movie phone guy can't be the voice of the ship's computer. No using the time machine to set the star-spangled banner to anything by white zombie. My canon officer cannot spend his animal acquisition cash to buy two dozen Chihuahuas. I will not shoot a great old one just to say I did it. I will make it abundantly clear that guy playing my mortal enemy is a good friend in real life. The Pope does not have cyberpsychosis. I will not wish we were still playing Torg. Checking to see if the mad slasher is dead is okay, dismembering him with a shotgun is overkill. My sniper will not kill all the bad guys before the rest of the party is in range. In the middle of black ops, I can't sell my niece's band candy to the hostages. I will tell the news the storyteller wasn't joking about kicking people in the jewels for macking on jailbait. While not lethal, ferris wheels aren't exactly healthy the vampires. Outside of Kingwood Community College, moose antlers do not mean out of character. Stained glass windows are not a standard feature on Panzer tanks. The spell extract water elemental does not work on water elementals. I will not waste critical successes on drumming. I can't use my pistols to communicate a Morse code. There is no patron saint of the Doheka Hedron. I can't ask the bad guy if I fired 40,000 rounds or just 39,999. There is no such thing as a 37 sexual. We are not sneaking in more to address this tour guides. Even if it does take the thief 10 minutes to search the room, that's not enough time for a quickie. If it's cheaper to buy a new gun and reload the old one, there is a problem. Even if the rules allow it, I can't have a belt-fed pistol. I will raise my hand if I've already heard the DM's riddle. The spell is called Prismatic Spray, not Taste the Rainbow. Before we start the dungeon crawl, I don't have to have my monk oiled down. My rogue trader does not need to announce his arrival with 8 hours of orbital bombardment. My mage can't just sleepwalk to get around resting for spells. When the powergamer sleeps, can't move the camp down the road. Can't lure out housely almec warriors by announcing a Chinese fire drill. While highly effective, grabbing a man by a small intestine and making him talk like a ventriloquist dummy is frowned upon. My superhero didn't survive the purge of supers by just playing left-offensive guard for the Detroit Lions. My warhammer does not have a claw part. Can't allow to just blow the support under Menzo Berenzen. No matter how appreciated, I have to have a better superpower than Cure's cancer by touch. I can't spend ship points to put a Starbucks on the bridge. I will stop making up space marine chapters. My Netrunner's icon has to be something other than a space invader's ship. The total lullarian government tends to notice large purges of the cows, trebuchets and surveying gear. The dirty hairy, feeling-lucky punk speech doesn't work with a longbow. During the black ops, all cell phones go unvibrate. My Lunar-class cruiser has more than one bathroom. I can't wish my girlfriend with hot like you. Arch-villains don't care about zoning restrictions. No matter how well I roll on my Intimidate Check, France won't surrender. I do not have weapon proficiency in craftsmen. I will not hoard Electrum in 2nd Edition because I know it will be phased out. No Dire Marmot mounts until they publish the rules. Any Menzo Life Day gets everybody a dark side point. My character is not addicted to the feeling, the shindig or love. Not possible to tattoo the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel anywhere in my body. Weapon codes mean bludgeoning, slashing and piercing. Not ballistic, serrated or pneumatic. Wolves have to take the plate mail off before sex. Super Speed gives immunity to friction. Shape changing is an acceptable superpower. Shape changing only into the 93 San Diego Padres is not. Bunk cards are not for 3-card monte. I don't get to play anybody's Shadow. Werewolves normally do not have access to the Sonnet specialization. The opening lyrics to Rock of Ages are not an acceptable substitute to a real plan. No signing infernal contracts and disappearing ink. Can't bluff the Empire at hop with just a whole bunch of snowmen. The Navigator has warped sight, not insane-o vision. Attempting the woo to space elf clown does not turn the adventure into a harlequin romance. I do not have to scan the Romulan ambassador for cuties. Apaches do not settle arguments by Indian leg wrestling. I will tell the new player fantasy games means gnomes and wizards not assless chaps and jumper cables. The DGOS gun is not a real gun. Every time the halfling gets a critical hit, I don't have to feed him a snack. No one in the party gets to name their character Kergan McAskicker. I will not spend 30 minutes with the game trying to buy an accordion. I will stop using crew as hit points. I need to stop telling new players Bards were the original prestige class. Even if the rule of the law it can't take a prestige class at level 4. Even if the rule of the law it, you can't sneak with a running chainsaw. Vege of Pygmies are not part of this complete breakfast. The progenitor's job is not just to supply the good stuff. There is no way the iteration X mage is going to make it through airport security. It's not okay to stick the syndicate agent with the check every single time. We aren't calling the NWO agent at odd hours just to answer trivia questions. We will buy a GPS already so we don't have to drag the void engineer everywhere. Rokia do not make Pac-Man noises when they attack. If the solar cringes, it's time to reassess my alignment. Even if the rule of the law it, I can't build myself an Imperator Titan. Black armor is not just a muscle shirt with the word armor stenciled on it. We aren't raising the villain from the dead because we haven't killed him enough yet. Even if she's the most dangerous, the party doesn't appreciate me killing the naked chick first. Devils don't appreciate natural 20s on a bargain check. If my gun can easily kill everything in the room, I go last in initiative. There is no prize for having the prettiest werewolf. Even if the rules allow it, I can't mount a flamethrower on a knife. Set the Lopage do not get bonuses to attack Japanese women. Druids have many roles in the party, mine sweepers not one of them. I am not El Vago the gay blade. When told to pick a number between one and ten, the answer is not pie. I cannot have a Bluetooth telegraph. If my fireballs always form a mushroom cloud, time to tone it down a bit. They do not sell tire spikes and KB toys. I cannot kill any man away made famous by Rutger Hauer. Even if I am captain, I can't have my men portrait my frigid. If the GM says 3D6 straight down, he didn't mean it if that gives me a pixie fairy berserker. Even if she started it, no setting the princess on fire. There is no such thing as boobs plus one. No matter how much they enjoy it, no juggling half-land children. I will stop telling the noob the Star Wars universe celebrates people exploding at the age of twenty-five. Despite what the rules say, a draconese and life preserver is a bad idea. Despite what the mass says, elves do not gestate for an entire decade. I will not take the flaw enemy, Paranoids. Any character even remotely resembling Mr. B natural is dead before the first dice are rolled. If the elf is rolling badly doesn't mean we need to water him. I will not use the Druid's Chakram to play Frisbee with his dire wolf. No using the reduced spell to only buy a child's ticket at the movies. Militech does not have a wedding registry. Can't thwart the Cylon's massive attack just by installing Norton Antivirus. It is bad for him to sing along with the elevator music in a black ops. We're bent away more than a duck. My character's favorite color is not burnt umber hulk. Getting a blue chip for humor does not entitle me to an acceptance speech. If all the players have to pull their D6s so I can roll for initiative, time to retire the character. I can't meddle in ass kicking. Starships do not have to drop anchor. Starfleet's rules on using the holodeck for recreating scenes from Caligula are very clear. I will not blow all my starting cash into his house cats. If plan A was beat it out of him, plan B can't be just asked nicely. If it's revealed Shakespeare was the author of Funky Cold Medina, my time machine privileges are revoked. No bioengineering dolphins to shoot laser beams out of their blowholes. Animals native to Australia are not eligible for my Druid's companion. Dibs is not a term of bereavement. Even the dwarf of the battering ram is expected, other siege weapons not so much. No giving a character a dumb name so he could pick fights over it later. There is a limit to the number of adjectives I can attach to an uppercut. No matter what it says, my intelligent warple sword is not getting rewarded with a candy bar. No matter what the rules say, antibiotics can't make a man's head explode. Despite precedent, if the travel gets rough, we can't eat the bard. Even if it fills the mission parameters, no machete-killing sprees dressed like Carmen Miranda. One more bad pun for a character name and I'm forbidden from playing in the furry RPG. I am not one Batman. Any character requiring the GM to tab more than ten pages of rules for references vetoed. And if we're playing in the Old West, can't spend all my money on leather, whips and bard wire. I can't free the cannibals prisoners by starting a food fight with them. Taking down a central crew to the void before payday is non-acceptible cost-cutting measure. No teaching halflings how to fly. My nega magician will not taunt the wage-mage, brayer-rabbit style. The power gamer would appreciate me not bringing the book with the rule he is grotesquely abusing. A warning shot is not one that just wounds him. No using the halfling as a grappling hook. Starting a flame war on the internet is bad. Taking a flame war not on the internet is much, much worse. My halberd deer is not gis-armed and dangerous. The words rock-arper will not appear in any of my wishes. Just because he has specialization and observation skills does that mean he likes to watch. And we just stole all their alkaline chemicals that does not mean all their base belongs to us. Cleaning out the dungeon means Morton is backing up a cement truck to the window. No starting a mosh pit in a leper colony. There is no such thing as a bad touch attack. If my rogue trader manages to arrive before he leaves, no cleaning up on the lottery. I will not forget to uncuff the pedophile from outside the car before driving back to the station. If it takes more than five minutes for the debris to stop falling, I need to pick a smaller gun. When told to distract the bad guy, did it mean by playing wham over their comm links? When told to distract the bad guy, did it mean by shooting the guy standing next to him? When told to distract the bad guy, did it mean by setting him on fire? Dungeons are not handicapped accessible. Before entering the dungeon, I will take off the I'm With Tasty Tabard. I will remember the incredible luck super power is illegal in Vegas. I will not start dating another character's arch enemy. I cannot start the game radioactive. If an enemy fails a stun check, it does not give me a free hit for flinching. Before I get it on with the green check, I will make sure she is supposed to be that color. Before I sass the power gamer, make sure the other players got my back. I don't get any XP for anything I killed in a flashback. No amount of character points lets me start as the Beatles bagpiper. The point of the improvised weapon skill is not to see how many different things I can kill people with. Just crossing the fingers behind his back is not an option for my paladin. Snuff-a-kated is not a real way to kill somebody. Killing the orc horde by drowning them all at once is heroic. Killing them by drowning them one at a time is an alignment check. No making up euphemisms for death. There is no neurotic book of fantasy. Dodge everything while standing still is not a real spell. No following a minute behind gold leader and just shooting down Vader. Just because he starts every game in a tavern doesn't mean the barbarian needs rehab. One-third of the elf homeland GDP does not go to haircare products. I don't get double XP if I kill the monster with explosive decompression. True sight doesn't tell me what the NPC's treasure type is. Buying the alternative identity advantage is perfectly legal, unless it's Elvis. When asked to describe my room, can't use smog's layer in the template. The botchery is not a stat. Can't load a shotgun just with rock salt because I'm feeling mean. Yes, Les Paul is a guitar guide. No he cannot grant spells. Can't use the decanter of endless water for water skiing, the jacuzzi, or a wet tabard contest. Andorans are not closely related to smurfs. The astromech appreciates it if we stop using him for ordnance delivery. Even if the rules allow it, lawful good deities don't appreciate human sacrifices to them. Can't clear out a dungeon by sneaking in and running a generator while they sleep. Even if it's historically accurate, can't try to heal someone by cutting them. The time machine is not for finding ringers for our baseball team. Even if we're playing werewolf the Wild West, can't play the lone ranger. If my boss wakes up to find a young Frank Sinatra one American Idol, no more time machine for me. Before anybody makes a demolition check, I will raise my hand if my skill is the highest. In the middle of a black ops, can't play will it bounce with the penthouse furniture? No bringing up the time we were nearly total party killed by a draboa. Even if it's really cool, no throwing dry ice on the water weird. Me and Bison is not an appropriate stunt action. I will not spend all of my starting cash on the stock market. Can't take out the villain by just propping a bucket of acid over his door. It is not necessary for the villain to say uncle before I accept his surrender. My martial artist has to actually know a martial art. Can't just wizard lock the villain's throne room and come back in two weeks after he starved to death. Summon paralegal elemental is not a real spell. The spell Summon Vacuum Elemental is not for household chores. I don't have to name everything we discover after myself. I can't forge out a new elven homeland by conquest unless the elves want a new homeland. Contrary to popular opinion, the girdle of masculinity, femininity does have a noticeable effect on elves. The minute the GM figures out my inquisitor is Lenny Brisco, he dies. No building a gatlin-gatlin gun. My martial art style is vetoed if it is just 30 different ways to hit a guy in the jewels. No matter how well I'm in my animal wrangling role, can't saddle break a Los Diablos. No God's vestments include go-go boots. If I kill more goons with my rifle than the rest of my party without firing a shot, time to retire to character. When facing the classic weight balance trap, can't use the half-limb for ballast. Can't have a gun that doubles as a jump jet. Large things that hurt badly is not an appropriate focus. No putting all my weapon points in the blowgun. If I take the blowgun, I at least have to poison the darts. Even if the rule allows it, can't start a vested-modgenar, Dixie land-band. Gousing a character in beer is acceptable after a victory, then setting him on fire is not. We aren't continuing the mission until everyone's clear on the term, going in hardcore. Come here often is not what you say when rescuing the princess from the Necromancer's dungeon. Can't name my rabbit-familiar watershed. There is no par on a dragon. Even if I write it, can't have my own theme song. The rules don't cover laugh tracks. If the villain performs a kind act, can't blackmail him with it later. Klingons don't have a French accent. We aren't relocating the campaign to Texas or Florida for tax reasons. No taunting characters about what they lost in the latest Serata. Can't one-shot major villains just because the writers forgot to give them a basic defense. Contrary to popular belief, mercenaries don't help divorce proceedings. Even if my culture has no spoken language, the campaign will not turn into a game of charades. There was no conspiracy to keep whales out of 7th sea. Can't target microscopic organisms with spells. If my character is a hard-drinking, hard-party and Muslim chick, it's vetoed if she's clearly my ex. A barbarian is not just a fighter with less feet and more anger management issues. Lord Soth just does not need a hug. No summoning octopi to make the sleeping paladin explain all the hickeys. No challenging sleeping people to a duel. No hogging all the brute kills. Calling my shot means where I want to hit him, not where I want him to land. Despite what the module says, not every woman in this campaign is a closet of lesbian. The princess's menstrual cycle doesn't factor into her rescue. Dr. Seuss has no place in the exorcism. Doesn't matter what I just killed with it, the howitzer is not going to qualify for a holy relic. No risking profit factor to buy groceries. Star Destroyers are already baby-proofed. If my character causes Camelot to look like King Lear, he dies. If I just roll the same chart result 8 times in a row, I will lie about the result if I do it again. No spending stunt points to play Yoink Got Your Nose on a genlock. Even if my CO does it, a Unitar is not an appropriate SAS uniform. No starting a character with four swordsmen schools. No, I can't Google the villain's secret weakness. My monk can't convince the bad guys to go stricken with him just so they're easy to beat up later. I can't disarm the monk, at least not literally. I don't have to be faster than the other investigators, they have to be faster than my bullets. If my actions singlehandedly put the drought on the endangered species list, tying to retire the character. No using e-harmy to find a cleric for the party. Can't use a wish spell to make the last Star Wars trilogy not suck. Battle models can't double as Koopsticks. Just because I spared the villain's life doesn't mean she owes me a first date. They don't make weapon-grade snazzers. No using goldfish as improvised weapons just to get the dual weapon bonus. I don't have to buy a child seat to take the halfling anywhere. Using nuclear weapons and assassination is just being lazy. No using the friendship virtue to start a harem. Beetle mania is not an acceptable dementia. I will remember replaying 4th edition and stop using my imagination. Distracting the bad guy does not mean with an Aztec bar mitzvah. Some gridsfarb says I have to stop making up gnomish profanities. I can't play an anthropomorphic Homo sapiens. Albanians do not count as furries. I will stop telling people my high elf is just a drought with a bad case of vitiligo. Even if it takes an hour before it's my turn again, can't kill time with solitaire. Doesn't matter what the map says, can't drive a sports car through the villain's lair. Can't find a villain just by casting power words stun in the bar and see who's still standing. Can't make the genies head explode until everyone else has had their wish. Let's keep the collateral damage to under a billion dollars. A comeliness under 15 doesn't mean I can't be on MTV. Can't use party members for anti. Not possible to corner the market on weapons they don't have rules for yet. The halfling language is not just baby speak. I mean the dwarf fixed isn't going to improve his disposition. Can't start every game breaking out of jail. They don't make healing potions and diet. I will not point out any loophole that arouses the power gamer. When challenged for rank, can't make the challenge 1970s NBA trivia. Leave off the chaotic evil alignment on the teaching application. Can't convince the party to play Frankie Goes to Hollywood, not their music, the actual band. The epic villain killing weapon requires a quest to obtain not $35 at Pruett's guns and ammo. I won't mention a celebrity that causes another gamer to go all stalker. Sorry in advance, Jenny Mai. Before we start a band of pirates, make sure the game isn't set in a landlocked nation. Even if the rules allow it, I can't have a saber-toothed walrus. Even if I buy enough for everybody, Snuggies alone will not raise crew morale. If I get to pick my position in a star-spanning empire, can't pick Fire Chief. Even if the rules allow it, can't be on good terms with an organization sworn to destroy me. Doesn't matter what I rolled, my orb can't have a space surfboard. Not using any admission from the barbarian as flamethrower fuel. My trolled biography will not include the phrase, sweet sweet love. My battle cruiser will not include a disco-thick, bowling alley, IMAX or strip joint. I can't have a gun capable of using other players as ammo. The druid doesn't have to change sides every time the tide changes. Can't target the starshift radiator. Can't make a bluff check to convince the monster I actually hit him. Strapping dynamite to an arrow in acceptable cliche, not the whole keg of gunpowder. Let's not see how far I can lower crew morale before the game begins. Even if the rules allow it, the Soviet national anthem doesn't qualify for the inspirational music ability. When told to play a teenage high school girl that doesn't include East German swimmers named Sergei, despite what you would think, taking out a child molester with extreme prejudice doesn't restore my humanity. Getting uppity is not a capital offense, even to a rogue trader. No taking peace activists as favorite enemies just because they're easy targets. Before we have the bard loot the dungeon, make sure he's clear on the spelling. No starting flight club. Remember to take the helmet off before I use the acid spit ability. Darth Vader does not need his air filter changed. Deer season is restricted to rifle or bow, not Greco-Roman. Drunken master of the feared martial artist, a drunken journeyman is not any fifth level dwarf. No result on the impact critical F-chart reduces a foe to base elemental components. If we're short on cast, no starting a telethon. Star Destroyers don't have help desks. Can't take poison immunity, coat my food with cyanide and see who's been stealing my lunch from the fridge. A talking animal sidekick is okay, one that sings Disney tunes as roadkill. I won't ask how a nine foot combat monster with no concept of subtlety starts with a plus one D in stealth. Can't lure ninjas out of hiding with a game of Marco Polo. Even if the rules say otherwise, a huge back banner with an arrow pointing down at me causes a penalty to stealth checks. Doesn't matter if I get bonuses for eating fallen foes. No spinning requisition on condiments. No using ventriloquism to trick the corn berserkers into slaughtering each other. You can't suplex a lictor. Can't land the drop pod on the villain. Even if the rules say otherwise, I can't actually use 500 grenades in a single mission. I will use the security skill to open the door, even if it's easier to just rip it off its hinges. If the orc makes his check to solve higher mathematics, his head doesn't explode. No picking a sorcery that's actually unplayable is written. Slapping a fake mustache on the free Buddha doesn't count as a disguise check. There is too an elven word from anogamy. There is also an elven word for heterosexual. Can't use woodchippers as shotguns against vampires. Afros are not acceptable haircuts for adeptists of starties. I can't chew gum during chapter briefings, even if I've brought enough for the entire space marine chapter. TSR is not hiding golden tickets and mysterious gazetteers. Using a barber's razor as a weapon does not make me a barbarian. I will refer to the radar contact to the Blitzer-72 MBT and not as a TPK in a can. No unloading all my remaining ammo in the last bad guys so I don't have to carry it back with me. The answer to how to spell sousaphone is V-E-T-O. No challenging debt to a gamut tic-tac-toe until it gets bored and quits ensuring my immortality. Summary execution man is not an appropriate name for a superhero, even if it is accurate. Can't take a favorite enemy I can't kill for another ten levels. Even if the rules allow it, I can't hip-shoot a cannon. I will stop asking the ultramarine while its chapter's primary color is an ultramarine. Even if Paladin starts with P and that rhymes with T, it doesn't stand for trouble. No wasting music man references on a 10th grader. Even if the rules allow it, can't have a poisonous last cannon. Can't have a gun that reduces people to Rorschach tests. Playing the who doesn't give me a bonus to forensic checks. You can't count coup with power weapons. If I'm invited to play a one-shot with a new DM, can't play a serious straight-laced character. No tricking the tech-priest into dividing by zero. My rogue trader can't upgrade his ship with an ice-rank, duck-blind, or vomitarium. No trigger will only fall for the broken comm link trick so many times. Even if elves are a dying race, can't start a force breeding program. Before I make the seduction check, I will reread the description of the swinging knack. I will stop telling the new player's gnomes came from Swervelyblja. I will stop asking the high elf for a hit. Elves are not all back-stabbing untrustworthy weasels, but you never hear about a dark gnome do you? The Halfland's natural enemy is not the pedophile. Elves are not piercing weapons by default. No shooting to quarantine the star of the adventure, even if it would have immediately solved the last four adventures instantly. The monk counts as adamantine when attacking, not when being used as a batter and ram. Even if the rules allow it, my fighter can't carry a clan of Halflands in his pack without penalty. If a PC gets taken out by a deer, can't recruit the deer to replace him. Considering we don't have a TARDIS or a bag of holding, we can stop speculating on how they would interact. Can't trick the GM into starting a conversation between the doctor and Inspector Colombo. If I use the leap skill to individually jump over every goon in the room, when I reach the other side I can't demand to be made royalty. Even if the rules allow it, my Marine can't requisition a Rolex. Flapping a melt-a-bomb on the Emperor's Children Marine and putting his resulting efforts to get it off on YouTube gets me a corruption point. My rogue trader doesn't have to spend requisition points on feminine hygiene products. Dreadnoughts don't get conjugal visits. No matter what the module says, slaughtered and dissected scientists cause more sand loss than frozen dogs. Can't take speaks in third person court just so I can use the lyrics to batter as an attack plan. No mounting my rival's anti-gravity plating on a ceiling. The escape fugitive background doesn't include from Disney team musicals. Even if they have blonde hair, blue eyes and are proud of their physical perfection, ASMR don't appreciate seek-hiles. Assist other actions help in combat, not with crossword puzzles. No hiring Anakin Skywalker from Twilight Hooker, thus removing his reason to become Vader. The target's current zip code has no bearing on my call shot. Forbina are not water-suitable. Even if my Jedi has a scotch accent, can't have applied lightsaber. Playing a Gamorian doesn't violate anybody's religion. No ruining the game by informing the DM the Yellow Power Ranger is dead. Prepping for the adventure means memorizing spells and buying gear, not coming up with a safety word. No nailing the GM's girlfriend's character. I will ask permission before performing an autopsy and another character's hideout. No putting the villain's fake bio on match.com and letting the stalkers do my work for me. No matter what the rules say, my psychotic racist character doesn't get a permanent persuasion bonus just because she puts out. Combat boots do not give bonuses to CPR checks. I don't need to know the melting point of Orcs. Even if the rules allow it, I can't one-shot guys with a feather duster. No more surprise parties with a berserker. Can't post data letter of Mark. Can't abuse the Boggins weakness to get free babysitting. The following are not acceptable specialties for a weapon master. Mustard gas, cheese grater, sardinism. Even if the rules allow it, sniper scopes don't give bonuses to shotguns. The ability to do anything as long as it's not that hard is not a real superpower. No using the time machine to give Nostradamus a sneak peek at the future again. There is no needing for a dark brooding vigilante of the night in Lancaster, Pennsylvania. Shakedown is not an art skill specialty. In the middle of a black ops, can't run up the target's cable bill by ordering pay-per-view movies on his TV. Can't air-hump the king from behind while he's performing demagoguery. Electrokinetics are not allowed anywhere near the president's teleprompter. Despite what the rules say, shooting other PCs in the head does not improve morale. Can't disguise a nuclear bomb to look like me. DMs don't appreciate being dubbed. Can't filibuster other characters. Nobody's going to buy the disguised wookie of the Java with a pituitary problem. A.N. Rand has no effect on my alignment. The wizard's familiar does not have to say versus leg hump. Mark-6's armor's drawback is not random chicken noises. I will stop telling people the elf is openly fey. No part of the elven cloak is actually made out of elves. Breaking the fourth wall doesn't require a strength check. It's not possible to become addicted to healing spells. You don't have to be lawful evil to be sentenced to Devil's Island. Not my fault if you can defeat the labyrinth just by making right turns. When the game designer asks me my opinion about the new edition of his game, open weeping is not appreciated. Even if the rules allow it, can't parry an artillery broad with my fists. Blasting the distress signal from orbit's forbidden, any who would have avoided the last six ambushes. Konari aren't automatically angered by the color red. Can't distract the villain by sending him a text. I will not attempt to nomaform Pharron. Even if the king is represented by miniature, I can't put him in checkmate. No prisoner gets special treatment, any of me does look like Robert Goulet. No improvising winging or fabricating funeral rites. Can't use teleport to convince the villain's henchmen he's seen things. Getting an electro-tech in the party doesn't mean I get to leave my phone charger at home. Can't free the hostage with a surprise game of Red Rover. Not allowed to start the campaign having sex, especially with another player. Can't use the international dateline to get around once per day restrictions. There is no bluff check in the world that gets around divine retribution. A lifetime subscription to Cosmo is not an elven racial bonus. Swedish accents are great for Vikings, ninjas not so much. No tagging a sleeping dragon with Bilbo was here. If we end up playing illuminated martial artist superheroes protecting the madlands from the tour, we will reselect the source books again with our eyes open. There is no way to diplomatically ask the gaius if he's going to finish that sandwich. Dwarven breast milk is not 180 proof. No using the time machine to make Christ the keynote speaker at an atheist convention. I will not use the commune spell to find out who is John Galt. Those spending more points in the villain to make his assistant more loyal to me. There is more combat than a call shot to the face with a double barrel, despite what the dice say. If I can't use the dwarf to beat a guy to the death, that includes beating him against the dwarf. No talking haster and a suing Voldemort for trademark infringement. Can't send the party out on epic quests just to get some alone time with the misses. Even if the rules allow it, can't play a Viking mad scientist. A Shemsu hero kamikaze pilot is funny once. Even if there is no naming convention given, Tal Vashoff are probably not named Larry. I will keep all eldritch artifacts of ungodly power out of the reach of children. Even if I need to practice it, if I'm playing Batman I'll lose the Russian accent. Giving my media the paparazzi template does not automatically cause humanity loss. No probating Dunkelsons will. I will quit pestering the tech priest on whether he's AC or DC. Despite what the rules say, you don't have to be a 19th level bar to play Alice's restaurant massacre. No using the weapon critical hit charts to play bingo. The identified spell doesn't work on mystery meat. If I manage to roll up a half ogre knight errant on 3d6 straight down, no gloating. Naming the half ogre sore loin of beef is gloating. The University of Wisconsin does not have branches and lankmar, waterdeep or blackmoor. The druid can't transform into a sports car even if we douse him with hot water. No wrecking the millennium falcon in the prologue. If the GM's pet NPC has tons of plot armor, can't use her for cover. Even if it's the coolest spell ever, can't just go around exploding everyone. A paladin of the god of obituaries job is not to just kick butt and take names. The surprise in the surprise attack comes from its speed, not from the shattered eardrums of the breaching charge. When asked to be the party tank, they didn't mean an Abrams. After the battle, my astarties is to spend his time training in the meditation, not choreographing Gilbert and Sullivan numbers. No result on the critical hit chart splits the atom. Can't set the death star to stun. If we crash the opening of the last eight adventures, still have to name our new starship. Medium well is not a phaser setting. Can't fly standing up. Squeezing a termagon like bagpipes isn't going to turn him into a machine gun. There is no instant replay in Hackmaster. The proper responses are making a very tough bluff check and not a touchdown dance. If any player ends up in lingerie, the game is over. Better believe if I berserk for two straight hours I'm going to feel it in the morning. The wookie isn't allowed anywhere near a conditioner. The evil twin flaw doesn't count if he's fraternal. Like what the dice just said, I'm not the personal god of Michael Phelps' agent. A saber-two tiger is not acceptable second in a duel. No flashbacks to the death of the disposable expository NPC at the Star of the Adventure. Any gun whose damage is best described in scientific notation is vetoed. Just because I took the large advantage doesn't let me rampage through Tokyo at will. Can't just program the probejoy to go to light speed through the Star Destroyer. Those fears don't just go off on accident. No taunting dark mall with the fact Uncle Owen had more lines, more screen time, and more memorable death. No spending money from the raised-dead fun on ice cream. I will make sure when the GM asks what my fetish is if he means voodoo bag or brunette with short hair. Improved tax evasion is not a real feat. There is no easy way to tell a guy he named his genetically engineered uber-space Mongolian after Genghis Khan's wife. Apothecaries can't perform emergency scholectomies. Can't convince the entire pantheon to all take spider to the fourth domain. In a middle of a black-off, I don't have time to set all the target's phone handsets to maximum volume. If World War III is looming, I will not spend all my character advances on just liberal arts degrees. While extremely cool, my superhero needs something more than just a gun that fires badges at people. Rough duty is starties wear robes, not white-beaters and speedos. Spending my rank four instead of rank five priority on human does not make me more human than human. Even if the L fails his willpower check, we don't need to change him. There is only one mounting option for Mr. Studd. This is not optional. Even if used correctly, branding irons do not count as non-lethal weapons. I will refrain from any activity that could turn the entire party into smoking powers of Leader Hosen. Using my runic powers to provide a light show for my Skald's musical performances is abusing Gromfather's gifts. Despite how practical it would be, I have no need for a direct kinesi and tuba. There is no such thing as a shotgun exterminatus. I will not try to bring back nipples as a superhero fashion statement. Bjornens fully understand the concept of personal space. Even if the rule will allow it, I call shot to the eye with a sledgehammer isn't very practical. In the middle of a black ops, I can't order 1500 peaches to be delivered to the target the next day. Elves do not get a racial bonus to the skill trade, interior design. Even if the kids love it, the cone of cold spell is not for making toboggan rides possible in August. If I ever trick the DM in the telling us the only way to make money mining is to work the shaft, all my characters die, not just in this game either. Even if the rules allow it, I can't conduct a television interview and maintain a choke hold at the same time. Can't spend all my starting points to build a renaissance version of Las Vegas. Cylons don't have a four year lifespan. Dart harmonious is not a real Sith Lord. No matter how many times it's already been retconned, I can't change the story of the origins of the Sith every time we play. Even if it's a friendly pickup game, it's a bad idea to dunk on Vader. I will remember Captain Reese has the immunity NPC with no name advantage. Characters with the curious disadvantage are not acceptable substitutions for the identified spell. There are no additional bonuses to guessing the right card if we're playing Go Fish with a deck of many things. Any attempt to breed bear owls is doomed to failure. If I knock out Ryu while I'm blocking, it's time to retire the character. If I'm not allowed to go back in time to kill a villain, I can't just bring him to the present as a child either. No scanning the pre-article table for an unused element to base my superhero around. The very thought of improving my humanity by Osmosis costs humanity. Dwarven Ales does not double as jet fuel, industrial solvent, or colic medicine. No secretly setting the Netrunner's modem interface to 8-bit. No matter how pissed off the verbita makes me, I can't put her on Glimbeck's mailing list. Can't use the bureaucracy skill to indefinitely delay a rival going through customs. Yeah, made no sense to me either. GMs don't appreciate the Socratic method. The following are not acceptable favorite enemies, Tories, cartoon characters, Wichita Falls. If the GM is a woman, can't play a space otter to gain cute points. If the rules require me to multiply several stats by 10,117 to get another stat, can't do it long hand in protest. I will try to keep the number of pages the DM rips out of his playtest binder to a minimum. Can't stealthily follow the villainous wizard and backstab him every time he tries to cast a spell, even if every rogue in the world does it to our wizard. My druid will stop insisting we place all expended magic items in the appropriate recycling bin. No uploading to the villain's Electrotat the video of me shooting him. Even if I no longer lose San around him, no domesticating Night Gauntz. When describing my superhero, I will stop at Molly Ringwaldman. Note to self, pinata golems are a bad idea. Even if I have enough rope and have 9 attacks around, can't garret a hydra. Despite Hawkman, Batman, Ant-Man and Spider-Man, Red Snapper-Man is not a legitimate superhero name. The wish spell can't affect the order of the alphabet. Even if I buy off the Nemesis Disadvantage, doesn't mean we can't still be enemies. Snipers don't appreciate their spotter yelling out, BOOM HEADSHOT! I don't have a gun that can inflict lethal damage or does the bullets win cheer. If my character's name is not an anagram, I will tell the DM before he spends 30 minutes rearranging letters. No explaining battle plans to the tune of a Jerry Reed song. The spell is heat metal, not the tech piercings. Even if the corporation prefers PC terminology, an interrogation is not kinetic information retrieval. Our word sarcasm is not a real spell. Even if the rules might allow them, we can't all play ogre and warcasters. I will not give them the temptation when presented with a decanter of endless water and an opening to the Underdark. Just because I can, doesn't mean I have to land my Varatek like Ironman on the deck of the carrier every single time. If I'm commissioned to build an artillery gun, they don't mean a gun that fires howitzers. If I abandon a game for a long time my fiancee, my PC dies, ask me if I freaking care. Just because the DM prefers D&D to a long time with a smoking hot fiancee, doesn't mean the party gets to question his gender preference. During the time of troubles, can't forward my prayers to another god. The Bohemian Earspoon is not an appropriate weapon for a paladin, or anybody else for that matter. Horned Dog is not a real dwarven cast. No matter how successful, our party has to be more than a wizard and five pikemen. Fifty Shades of Grey Dwarves is not the new Durgur sourcebook. We can't steal all the treasure from the giant magical scales, and if we do undertake an engineering project that dwarfs the Hoover Dam. My Legionnaire can't spend resources on a sixteen ton weight he can drop on people with his mind later. Kunari don't take smiling damage. No matter what experience say, West Virginians do not make the best mythos investigators. If I have to buy a second warehouse to store all my spare magic weapons, tying to retire the character. Even if it is a real way to kill somebody, I can't burk at the bad guy. The following are not real cyberpunk festivals. Night City, Comic Con, The Kill It Festival, Grenada Palooza, can't just target the villain starfighter, and if it's the only one of his type in the battle. Before entering Dynarum, we don't have to delouse the Dalish. Can't trick the dragon into swallowing a shrunken dire porcupine and ending the spell while he swallows. Lifting Steen has no need for weapons of mass destruction. Can't trick the time-traveling bad guy into a shootout with his past self. We aren't looking at the various kingdoms tax rate before deciding where to dungeon crawl. Vecna was not the inventor of the Oregon donor card. Even if I took it with me with the full intention of using it, a manhole covered count of the improvised weapon. Since they don't participate in the Olympics, I can stop riding Rylas' national anthem. No matter how big these sewers seem to be, we aren't finding a Shipley's Donuts down here. There are more uses than a Jetsu that is dodging process servers. I will not make any plan that hinges on the medicinal value of dire wombats. Even if he is lawful evil, the villain isn't going to respond to a jury summons. They don't make civilian models of chain guns. Infravision no longer works like thermographic vision, so I can stop trying to hide from the elf by smearing myself with mud. You can't crankstart a warjack. Warjacks aren't allowed to take cooking skills. Even if I have the model for her, so Texas can't be disc jockeys. Doesn't matter if he is a son of brag, hey baby it's not a Trollkin mating call. Trollkin cannot puff out their chins like frogs. Warjacks do not prefer bacon flavored coal. Cadorian's primary weakness is not temperate weather. I cannot saddle break a dire troll, a Kodiak warjack, or the butcher. I can't clear out a dungeon by just throwing a ball down the entrance and telling the nomad warjack to fetch. Just because the nests decided to become a fire sorcerer doesn't mean she hates her parents. One does not just whip up a priestess to leviator. I will not buy skills for weapons that do not exist yet. No more arguing over whether my ogrean looks more like Fabio or Lorenzo Lamas. The ogrean language does not sound like the Ewok victory song. Elves do not squirt ink out their nipples as a defensive mechanism. Elves also do not secrete a foul tasting oil when threatened. The reason elves live in forests is not to protect them from eagles that swoop down and grab them up. No re-gifting cursed items on Christmas. The DM will notice that the entire party is named after the Houston Texans offensive line. No matter how close to lunch it is, halflings do not have to say versus cannibalism. There will be no more arguing over whether Elwin could have killed Macbeth or Macduff could have killed the witch king. The following haircuts are forbidden to ogrean, pompadour, flock of seagulls, tvs, frank. The elf punk has more options than are downtime of the discordian practice and torture porn. I will refer to the other player's sidekick by her name and not just your make-believe Chinese lesbian girlfriend. My first priority in the apocalypse is not finding a monster truck or finishing my lord humongous costume. The apocalypse was probably not caused by grips, mimes, or French maids. Despite Hollywood's claims, not all renegade cops keep many guns under their desks. If my starting Star Wars character is immediately set upon by an escaped rift's character, wadding up my character's sheet and throwing it at him is not an appropriate form of surrender. Before resorting to burlesque, we will explore all other options on how to sneak past a security camera. I can't make an acquisition test in the middle of combat to hire away the rival rogue trader's crew. I will not let the GM threat me with Do Your Worst if my character is based on Fade Ratha. If I am playing a Ravenwing Marine, I have to get off the motorcycle eventually. If the game retcons my character's guide, I will not start the orthodox faith of the old version of the guide. You can't critically hit with a nuclear weapon. Even if the rules allow it, you can't slip an object into a person's pocket if the object is larger than the person. After clearing out the dungeon, I won't animate all the dead orcs and leave behind the copper pieces of the next party won't be totally disappointed. No matter how many points I've put into perform, I can't use my mandolin as my sole method of communication. Wishes have no effect on Arata. I will stop referring to Satixus as two-pointers. Satixus don't shed their horns every fall like elk. Satixus aren't related to Konari. There will be no more jokes about the GM's horny bikini wearing pirate chick fetish. When asking if I'm cross-playing, they didn't mean my character was Christ. You can't plea bargain regicide. The cryo-kinetics default job is not to protect the cooler. Just because the dwarf hits name level doesn't mean we owe him a bar mitzvah. Getting four guys each with a different 25% mythos lore doesn't mean we win Call of Cthulhu. The fur and lust domain shall never meet. So reminding my lieutenant that Nithermire can be used as a verb. Getting multiple entries and a gained first Arata is not a badge of honor. And if my Meta-Magician has his twined, enhanced, empowered, maximized magic missile ready, doesn't mean I can tell people to make my day. Doesn't matter if we all have different costumes and names. The group of the vetoed is clear we're all Thor. Getting my animal-influenced ability to send countless animals on a suicide attack is fine, but not the form of chorus line. Just because my media only put the bare minimum into his journalistic skills doesn't mean he starts at MSNBC. The ability to calculate Thacko on your head does not increase attractiveness. Invoking Andre the giant only works once to win an argument with a storyteller. Can requisition item nobody in the squad knows how to use? Before starting an underwear clad pillow flight, I must first make sure the party is not all dwarves. There will be no further product placement in the mission evaluation videos. To cut down on the number of Mexican standoffs, there is only one commissar allowed in the squad now. The weeping angel's natural enemy is not the goldfish. The answer is never Dwarven Riverdance. No starting a bidding war during character decoration to see who the pet NPC likes best. Can't use a water gun to make the aslin follow orders. Step one, the party's preparation for the quest is not a manny petty. Can't reduce the difficulty of an autopsy check by skipping the put everything back where you found it step. Even if it's beneficial, no changing the number of limbs on a character without the other player's consent. Another benefit doesn't justify alignment conflict with an organization. If another NPC dies, no bonus XP for going through all seven stages of grief before the end of the session. It's best we don't let the paladin anywhere near customs. Even if calling out characters for critical hits is encouraged, no talking the crit hit monster into naming his character Score. Plant A is not sending the Doom Reaver and wait for the screams to stop. Despite what you think, the profession dentists can't substitute for the interrogation skill. My aware bear can't hibernate through the boring expository part of the beginning. Even if I can justify a viking with a maxed out legal skill, that doesn't give him a law degree. Druids don't practice dental hygiene by having small birds picked their teeth clean. McAllus are not just Borg with better PR. Distracted bad guy does not mean with a called shot to his appendix. No hacking in the target mega core to put out a recall notice for their security's firearms. Despite his tremendous cost to benefit ratio, bubble wrap is not a staple of black ops. My character in the Anthro RPG is meant to be an anime furry cliche, not an escapee from Looney Tunes. No matter how many examples I can give, a flamethrower cannot boost morale. The primary use of a Druid's nature lore is not to learn the mating calls of various fey creatures. The second book of Gretzky appears nowhere in the Canadian Bible. Can't take energy blasts with infinite range and the ability to shoot through the TV and just channel surf the news. When challenged by a dwarf king, I can't pick basketball. The villain will eventually notice the train tracks are starting to point straight at his front door. Inspired courage is a great superpower, unless he uses to get hordes of innocent bystanders to bum brush the supervillain. No questioning the martial on why a town of 4000 people with no strategic value warranted a 100 megaton nuke. Blighter control is not an appropriate superhero power. When listing the advantages of elves to the new player, I will leave off shatterproof. Rings of fire resistance offer no protection from rug burn. When the villain is hiding from us, can't just call him on his cell. No animal companions come in a prehistoric version. If I just cast 17 fire spells in the druid's sacred grove and a simple sorry isn't going to cut it. Just because they don't have rules for them, Canadians can still be companions for the doctor. When I take watch, everyone must wake up with the same number of limbs as they went to sleep with. Even if the rules allow it, the spell Command Summarize can't speed up the plot exposition. The restriction on guns extends to all buildings used for higher education. The commissar will not be pleased if our entire plan is one, asked for a bane blade, two, roll low. Created distraction doesn't mean we're walrus' trained in ballroom dance. We are not stopping the villain with small mammals armed with power tools. My favorite enemy must be more than just Claire. My tech priests will refrain from developing emotional attachments to the ordinance. I will remember that if any samurai sounds like Takeshi Shimura, we will all end up sounding like Takeshi Shimura. If I have to change my samurai's voice, I will pick something that doesn't make him sound like a native of Guadalajara. The DM doesn't want to hear about the pointlessness of framing an asymar paladin for murder. In the middle of a black ops, the target's elevator music selection is off limits. Deer seasons restricted to rifles or bows, not brass knuckles. Despite what the rules imply, multiple held actions do not interfere with the flow of time. Can't spot the paladin hiding in the thieves guild by looking for the guy breaking out in hives. Multiclassing to a fighter mage thief is fine, a fighter mage thief Reagan Democrat is not. We don't have to consult a neurologist every time someone fails a paralysis save. No casting haste on the fighter while he sleeps to see how long it takes him to notice all of the new gray hair. No using every possible special rule for combat in the very first fight of the campaign. If a conjured monster does exceptionally well in combat, I can't ask him for a resume. The fine trap spell doesn't work on dating websites. Stone of flesh spells are banned in all major art galleries. Anesthetic is not just for sissies. Personal effects are enough to prove we stopped the villain, no more bringing back his zombified corpse. The concept of vows are not alien to dwarves. The first thing you do in Bangkok after clearing custom is not make an alignment check. No asking the elf how they made it to 1000 years was such a crappy fortitude save. It's thieves can't, not illegalize. If we were told to use all of it, can't use the extra explosive for public displays of affection to my girlfriend. The spell is called Dancing Lights, not Detect Epilepsy. One disgusting example of target sizes, there would be no mention of areolas. Cause disease doesn't let you pick the disease caused, so I can stop reading the sentence of Kuru. No abusing homonyms. Just because Orlius doesn't have a shotgun doesn't mean I can declare myself one. Even if it would be awesome in real life, immunity bureaucracy is not acceptable superpower. Christian baleful polymorph is not a real spell. The returning ability of magical weapons doesn't let me make a fortune at pawn shops. Under no circumstances is modern art purchases coming out of the team fund. Though there are many ways to become a god, buying a Gibson Les Paul and maxing out to perform skill isn't one of them. Fantastic in the sheet is not appropriate character focus. Even if the rules allow it, no asking a dread destroyer for favors. Even the crew of the best quality underwear in the sector isn't going to increase morale. On second thought, rhythm guitar is an appropriate focus for a bard. Ammunition is not just for closers. No basing our epic powered superhero group in terror hot. Even if the rules allow it, no trading in our laser guns for muskets to place sharp rifles in space. No abusing union bylaws to exploit holes in security. Even if I take the total recall trait, I can't remember all quarter million crew on my ship by their first name. Even if I haven't had anything to do for several hours, no updating Facebook in the middle of a black ops. No calling a city councilman to settle an argument about dwarves. When a dwarf goes to the service for the first time, I can't cast levitate on him. Gandalf never had a lavender face. Covering myself in mud doesn't make me invisible to the elf. In the middle of a black ops, I can't delete the guards we killed from their HR database. I cannot play anything with a blowhole. Even if my character is Welsh, his name has to include vowels. In the middle of a black ops, can't call a lot of long distance phone sex numbers and just leave their phones off the hook. Even if I am allowed to design my own gun, I can't make a 3-4 team magnum pistol. My Qunari cannot join the Church of Giantology. No picking a god-based solely on the number of paid religious holidays they offer. If we're level one, we can't blow up the planet. The Rune Stones do not just say the princess needs to get naked. Even if my character is from Chicago, he still only gets one vote in party matters. I will remember any use of the perform burlesque skill as going to require a full turn for my bard to get dressed again. The need to blast damage does not help against the fallout of another player's stupidity. When the GM says I can have any weapon classified as archaic, that does it include trebuchets. When in the presence of a god, it's not the best time to bring up the topic of reformation. Can't switch religions in the middle of a game. No oxygening off my faith between the various temples. No converting to religions from other games. The paladin does not have to run a background check on new PCs before they can join the group. Can't pick a religion based solely on the greatest number of sexual positions allowed. I am not trans-elven. Disguising the party as signerins requires more than just buying a whole bunch of goggles. I will not name my character Bab Thacko. If the king says he will reimburse our expenses, no turning the mission into an epic continent spanning quest. Especially if the original mission was to kill all the goblins in this cave. No abusing the thaumaturgy spell by slamming doors in the face of missionaries, inventing the clapper, or constantly impersonating Brian Blissett. We aren't starting 5th edition by finding El Minster in the shower wondering about 4th edition. Bringing the goblins to justice doesn't mean knocking all of them out and marching them back for a public apology. Our first encounter can't end with me hugging a bugbear and telling him how much I missed him. There is no such thing as a belt of Norwegianification. I am not assigning that 18, I just rolled to my necromancer's charisma. I will remember the basic set is still incomplete and ignore all the under-construction signs. Can't only pick two of the following from my character. Dwarf Berserker, batter and ram, fireproof, light source. We are not using the Dwarf's back hair to make any of the following. Rope, sweater, quilt, hot air balloon. I will not force the rookie to pick sides in the eternal banded male debate. If the breakup was bad, naming my ex as my ranger's favorite enemy puts out a creepy stalker vibe. And if the rules allow it, my gladiator starting weapons cannot be the trident and bagpipes. And if he is a mysterious entity whose nature is utterly foreign to the fabric of reality, Andy Kaufman does not count as a great old one. Even if the rules allow it, I can't have proficiency in every skill by level 6. No casting guards and wards in the houses of people who ignore me. I will stop casting awaken on the other party members' horses. Even if they are half the cost of war horses, can't just buy an elephant for the entire party. My gnome won't drunk-call the Elf Mock 2 that didn't make the cut in the new edition. When asked for typical barbarian settings, I can't suggest Camden NJ. The bond ex-husband cannot be applied to every female character in the party. I will stop assuming I'll drow no dritz. It's cute when you train your hamster to attack their eyes, your weasel not so much. Even if the rules allow it, the entire party can't all be raised by the same wolf. The party's mutual bond can't be former members of the funky bunch. I can't bribe the dwarf with an offer of putting him up for stud. Kissing up to a dragon until he gives us a minor trouble is acceptable, slapping us with a restraining order not so much. Can't use the summon monster spell to redefine the term trolling someone. 12 degrees of success on my charms test doesn't automatically earn me a commissarial back rub. Successfully grappling the roper doesn't let me use him to play double dutch with a thief. Even if the rules allow it, no using plaid-colored white spells to mess with the guard's perception of movement. If I challenge death to a game, picking campaign for North Africa doesn't ensure immortality. Despite what the rules say, a ghillie suit does not make me invisible in the St. Patrick's Day parade. No matter what it would do to his spellcasting chances, I can't cast shrink on the Necromancer's undies. You can only make so many cold shots to the groin until it's an alignment check. Athletic scholarship is an unacceptable excuse to take the sage background for my half-orc barbarian. After cleaning out their lair, I can't put all the newly petrified Medusas in my front yard as decorations. I will not finish any sentence containing the phrase, Blink Ferrets. Need to stop coming up with excuses to keep referencing page 73 of the Dungeoneer Survival Guide. No matter how rude it was, I will keep all my interactions with the magic mouth at the entry of the dungeon PG-13. Even if the rules allow it, no dual-wielding lances. Just because it's legal to dual-wield quarter-stabs, tying two together to not give me dire nunchucks. My rogue will accept the fact he can backstab a tridrone, even if it doesn't have a back-to-stab. We aren't using Rosie O'Donnell for a unit of measurement for any aspect of a warjack. Yes, the demolition corps has a dress uniform. No, it's not steam-powered. Just because I bought my dice bag at the Vatican doesn't mean my dice are Catholic. Despite the book's claim, using a double negative in the protectorate of Menoth doesn't bring down a death sentence. Before making my last wish, I will make sure everybody in the party actually wants Patagia. My wode clad picked will stop calling the Lady Knight critical of chainmail bikinis and overdressed prude. Just because acid is considered a damage type and alkaline isn't doesn't mean the DM has a pH imbalance. Just because damage is non-lethal doesn't mean I can keep beating him for hours. All come in grizzly, kodiak, and polar varieties, not drop. Wiveside of the family is not an acceptable choice for favored enemy. Even if it's a gladiator campaign, we can't all be Spartacus. When asked why the Feywild isn't in the campaign, self-inflicted nuclear holocaust isn't the right answer. Even if the rules allow it, I can't have a clockwork kidney. This goes double for a steam-powered liver. While it is customary to initiate a duel by striking with a gauntlet, it is also customary to do it at subsonic speeds. I will make sure any minor summoning spell gets us a lesser elemental and not jailbait. I will not use summon spells just for sticking somebody else with the check. Even if the rules allow it, we can't be space ogre ninjas. When providing pistols for a duel, they both can't be fingerprint locked just to me. Even if the rules allow it, I can't spend my XP to turn the Crap Sack setting into a functional randy in utopia. Lichtenstein does not have a challenge rating. Pen Dragon is not the best game to test Darwin's theories on survival of the fittest. I can't spend all my starting points on concubines. Every time the Catgirl fail the skill check, I won't spriture with the water bottle as punishment. I can't use the Catgirl's tongue to remove paint from metal. Even if my character's lifespan is in centuries, I can't just pour saltwater over the lock and just wait. I also can't spend all my character points on one just really awesome concubine. I will stop asking the jesuit to teach me kung fu moves. No finding industrial uses for darkspawn. Not one of every plan can't just be set them all on fire. Even if my druid is immune to poison doesn't mean he can chug bleach with impunity. Can't clear out the dungeon with just engineering checks. I will not test the DM's knowledge on the rules of hypothermia, heatstroke, or dysentery. No more bringing more rule books to the game than the GM owns. Can't bribe a dragon with belly rubs. There's no such thing as medicinal melange. Forichan does not cause more sanity loss than Cthulhu. Just because the new addition is light on magic items doesn't mean I have to go through withdrawal. Even if we all conspire to do it, it's my fault if the character's name forms a Jewish folk song. I can't spend all of my share of the loot on flamethrowers. I don't get bulk discounts when buying armies. I can't devote an entire deck of the battlecruiser to just my mistress. Drug tests can't detect potions of speed. I should stop asking the lady of pain to RSVP. Even if it's the simple and obvious solution to the module, we aren't beating this adventure with lesbianism. The following are not acceptable seconds in a duel. Space Marine Chapter Masters, intelligent dancing warple swords, Prussia. The rulebook wasn't kidding about needing 5,000 people to hijack a Star Destroyer. Even if the entire party is in total agreement, we aren't stopping the game to call the writer and correct his Texas history. If the villain doesn't have a phobia of the blue-footed booby, I can't give him one. I will keep the amount of sexual innuendo to a minimum in the autopsy report. If I sew them into a serape, I can't wear two magical capes at once. The control water spell is not for spontaneous wet t-shirt contests. The name for a group of elves is not the faggot. While a performed spoken word and acceptable skill for a bard, performed scat is not. I will remember the whole ass's prayability before I cause the company chaplain to spit take. The dwarven work ethic is not just dig until we hit evil. When granted a wish, use it to unsink the continent the immortals just destroyed. When making a wish granted by said immortals, I will leave out the words, you incompetent pricks. Can't just use a wish to turn stride back into a human. No weaponizing the talisman appear good. Just because they can't be the target of raised dead spells doesn't mean elves have no soul. In the middle of a black ops can't organize a skeet shoot with off of furniture. When challenging death to a game, GMing paranoia doesn't grant immortality. Raised dead spells are not just for closers. Doesn't matter where you hit them, you can't set a bard to shuffle. There is no such thing as nomophobia. I will not give anybody an unreasonable fear of gnomes. No matter how high my damage resistance is, I can't name my dwarf tanky McTankity tank. Despite the ridiculously short lifespan, 3rd level doesn't count as epic level for a troughins. The plan is not just let the villain beat on the dwarf until his arms get tired. If I am the druid, I can't put Protestant down as my religion. The teleporting spiders attacking us are not just going through a phase. The natural enemy of the elf is not the common cold. No wasting wishes trying to bring ultra vision back to the game. No picking the only form of travel the GM isn't familiar with. Traveling by scoling is nowhere near as cool as it sounds. Any character named Jim Cotta is going to be taken from me and burned. The feral Dan rules of succession are not just two men enter one man leaves. When looking for a template to make a creature deadlier, Australian is not a legitimate choice. Just because I have the technology doesn't mean I need to make him better. Just because there are no rules for the Bec de Corbin doesn't mean they don't exist. No starting wars over the what's the best polearm. Can't give a shout out and a ransom note. I can't bit grats my soul in a showdown over the golden oboe. Cleaning out all elven of the caves of chaos in a single night is not what they mean by a dungeon crawl. I can't save money on an identity spell by just having random peasants do a blind taste test on these potions I found. I can't save points on learning a new language but just learning only the profanity. The advantage friends in high places cannot be represented by Johnny Walker Blue. My wish cannot include the words and additional furthermore or any synonyms thereof. Our posse can't resemble an 80's British glam band without an explanation. The most dangerous weapon are not an opium or macho and her construction equipment. Yes, they are the perfect solution to all of our deep one problems. No we can't have depth charges. The barbarian can still berserk if he hasn't had his morning coffee yet. Offering to buy the hostage I just rescued a new arm is not sufficient enough of an apology. Vlogger do not have the flaw ancestral enemy United States Postal Service. No convince in Rahasia, he's just not that worth it. Bargle the infamous and not under a protection for continuity spell. If the quest is to retrieve a magical genie bottle, no shaking it up before handing it back over. I am required to tell the GM if the secret villain of the adventure is revealed on the back synopsis of the module screen. You can't teach a parrot power word kill. There is no danger from explosive decompression and teleporting a derger directly to the surface. You better believe wearing a moo moo to the coronation gets you searched for halflings. If the party is black tie only, that doesn't mean just painted on the power armor. Even if she is a soul sucking creature of unholy darkness, the cleric can't turn my ex-wife. My necromancer is not in charge of inhuman resources. Taking out the dungeon doesn't involve dressing up like ghosts and trying to scare them out. The positive energy plane doesn't charge or cover charge. Not allowed to see if it's possible to drown someone in a barrel filled with healing potions. Can't apply the holy avenger traits to siege weapons. The halfling wizard can't exploit the short rest rules by abusing the use of a papoose. A mandingo is not an Australian lichen throat. If I have to guard to aviate during the black ops, no entertaining myself with the PA system, ejection seat, or cluster munitions. I can't fill my yard with adventurer shaped statues to convince people it's a medusa layer so they fight me with their eyes closed. When I'm told a giant version of a creature is acceptable for my animal companion, that doesn't include the tortoise. Using dogs to keep late watches fine, howler monkeys not so much. I will not be the sole reason Carnival is canceled this year. If another player's character has all the symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder, a cure to Z spell won't help. No starting the adventure until we have exactly one elf in the party is not Tolkienism. Pointing out the gun will break the character's shoulder if fired in that position is not what they meant as a trigger warning. Scots do not go out faster in direct sunlight faster than vampires. My rogue trader's crew will notice if she left out savior pods to make room for a bigger shoe closet. Firepower is not an appropriate substitute for the fellowship stat. We are not sneaking into the golden throne disguise of the documentary crew. No, I really don't want to know the profit factor cost for insurance on my Grand Cruiser is. When facing the terrace, can't just gate in a black ball and sit back and watch. No complaining after the black ball takes out the terrace when it starts doing donuts on the treasure pile. No threatening to Abileth with telling the Cajun restaurant its location. Asurac doesn't care about the tomb of Hor's Yelp raiding. Even if my musketeer just tore Richelieu from the French throne, I didn't just break the cardinal rule. If the storyteller gives me a drama die at about 70 miles per hour and aimed at my face, it wasn't a compliment.