 Welcome to the broadcast. I'm David Feldman best wishes to actress Demi Moore who was being treated for addiction to nitrous oxide commonly known as laughing gas Demi got addicted to laughing gas after she visited Ashton Kutcher on the set of two and a half men and Sampled what Chuck Lorre forced the studio audience to suck on The state of Washington is considering a bill that would legalize same-sex marriage Seattle-based Starbucks officially came out in favor of the bill this week and to show support for gay marriage Starbucks immediately began putting mom and mom coffee shops out of business After getting shot in the head last year congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords retired this week And I was proud of President Obama the Republicans and the media for making a US Congresswoman getting shot in the head a feel-good story of hope and inspiration Instead of trivializing a US congresswoman getting shot in the head By discussing the National Rifle Association's stranglehold over Washington I'm proud to live in a country Where a United States congresswoman can get shot in the head and not a single lawmaker or pundit So much as mentions the words assault weapons ban Mitt Romney released his tax returns and it turns out he had a Swiss bank account Because just like Romney Switzerland won't take a side either After making all his money at Bain Capital Romney shipped American dollars overseas because he was all out of American jobs to send there Apple reported record profits Who would have ever guessed there was so much money to make and not paying your employees? I mean besides the Confederacy because it uses 700,000 slaves to make its computers Apple also announced It was changing its name to cotton According to the New York Times Apple computers employ 700,000 people in China to make it stuff So if you want to know what happened to America's can-do spirit You can now find it in the city of can-do Apparently Steve Jobs's middle name was low paying Low paying Apple Explained to the New York Times that they shipped those 700,000 jobs to China because American workers lack certain skills Yes, we lack certain skills like being unable to forget about workplace safety or human dignity and Newt Gingrich's Granddaughters said they hope grandpa Newt gets elected president Because Newt promised them jobs in the White House as janitors I'm Mitt Romney and I proved this message Newt Gingrich says Mitt changed his stance on abortion Newt says Mitt changed his stance on health care Newt says Mitt changed his stance on immigration But did you know Newt Gingrich has changed his religion? Newt Gingrich was born and raised a Baptist But then Newt got re-baptized By none other than the scarlet woman of Rome The Catholic Church Mitt Romney has always been a Mormon and always will be His childlike faith in the teachings of the Church of Latter-day Saints has never wavered Mitt has done everything his church told him to do and believed everything they've told him to believe no matter how F*** up. Yes, Mitt Romney truly believes that Jesus came to America and talked to cowboys Mitt Romney, he won't change His religion or his magic underwear. I'm Mitt Romney and I proved this message Thank you for tuning in to the Vatican radio network. I'm Father Aloysius Dooley, but you can call me Al We just heard the Vienna boys choirs rendition of whoop. There it is Delightful now. It's time for one of the most popular segments on our show call-in Confessional dial our toll-free number and cleanse your sins Melbourne, Florida. You're on the air Bless me father for frankly. I have sinned and sinned and sinned and sinned some and then I sinned Is that you again Newt Gingrich? Yes, father. How did you know cause this is a tenth time this month? You've called to confess. Well, I only converted to Catholicism in 2006 So I've got a lot of catching up to do Newt There may be other listeners who can't call in because you're hogging the line. You know me I'm a glutton for confession among other things. All right get on with it with you Well, as you know, I cheated on my first wife and then dumped her when she had cancer All news you said the Hail Marys you rattled the rosary beads You got the clean bill of health then I cheated on my second wife asked for an open marriage And then ran out on her when she contracted multiple sclerosis as George Jones sang to us a good year for the sclerosis What nothing my mind just wondered did I mention that I helped impeach Bill Clinton for his adulterous offenses while committing my own sins of Lost and debauchery. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah Again, you're spouting ancient history. What new crop of transgressions have sprouted in the Newt Gingrich garden of groin Well, it's my campaign for the Republican presidential nomination. I've played the race card against Obama I've slandered Mitt Romney and I've played fast and loose with the truth and I've attacked the media to distract voters from my sorted past I've committed sins of omission and commission all in my power mad quest to win the presidency I'm still waiting to hear what the problem is. But isn't this behavior sinful? Are you winning? Actually? I am Newt Gingrich You're not some panty and impentecostal or milk fed Mormon. You're a Catholic now boy chick I don't get what you're saying for the last couple of millennia The Holy Roman Catholic Church has done whatever it takes We roasted Joan of Arc like a split of veal and we stretched every Hebrew we could find in Spain We cozyed update all Hitler gave comfort to Francisco Franco And we turned our back on more genocide than you could shake a chalice at we poured more money into burying sexual scandals than all your super PACs combined What's your point Padre? Newt Catholics are winners We haven't stuck around 2,000 years and built that nice gated community in Vatican City by playing nice Now get out there and worry less about sinning and more about winning. Amen father I'm ready to go and spread the word Whatever and stick to the low-carb holy wafers if you know what's good for you Now stay tuned for our special guest Rick Santorum in a new segment We call more Catholic than the Pope our ratings are going to triple because mr. Santorum has promised to make all his children listen And now it's time for Frank Conniff's America Hi, welcome to Frank Conniff's America. I'm Frank Conniff You know I spend a lot of time watching 24-hour cable news channels like CNN MSNBC and Fox News and now I feel the time has come for me Frank Conniff to pay cable it forward There are lots of underprivileged people out there who don't have unlimited access to media Who don't have the resources to be as incredibly well-informed as I am so I've started a new organization Punditry for the poor to put my idea to work I've invited a homeless man who sleeps under the freeway into the studio welcome sir. What is your name? My name is Eddie God, I'm so sick and weak Did you have any spare change? I really need to get a bottle of Thunderbird I'm sorry friend, but I suspect that if I gave you that money for booze you would just spend it on food No, I promise I'll buy whiskey with it. Well regardless. I am going to give you something more important than food or drink I am here to bestow upon you the gift of cable news punditry that you could not otherwise afford I need I need I need medical attention help me And please help me this will definitely help you the information that on CNN the other night Gloria Borgers said that Mitt Romney used to have the momentum But now Newt Gingrich has the momentum and now Romney needs to get the momentum back from Gingrich Gloria Borgers said it and David Gergen agreed Oh God could you call could you call an ambulance excuse me, but didn't you hear me? David Gergen agreed with Gloria Borgers and so did Peggy Noonan God I've got the dry heaves and I'm bleeding internally. I don't have health care What am I gonna do if I don't get some help I'm going to die Well in that case you'll be very interested in something Mark Halpern said on Morning Joe that could change everything for you What oh god, please tell me Halpern said that if Romney beats Gingrich in Florida This primary will turn into a real horse race The pundits talk about the horse race aspect of politics all day and all night on all the cable news networks So it must be important to your life. Am I right? I'm gonna pass out Wow, you seem in really bad shape I think what you need is even more cable news punditry Give me a break. I'm a veteran of the iraq war after 9 11 I heard all the news pundits Say that there were weapons of mass destruction So I joined the army and went to iraq and found myself Deployed over and over again in an endless quagmire Then I came back and purchased the home with the subprime mortgage and everyone On cnnbc and all the cable news show said the prospects for the economy Was positive. So I tried to start my own Business and then the economy tanked an event that was not forecast by any of the mainstream news media Yes, but right now your troubles are over because I am going to donate to you my subscription To the morning newsletter put out by politico's mike allen that tells you what's trending each day in the world of politics And even gives you insights into who's up and who's down in the presidential horse race screw you I don't need you pity your punditry No, wait I wanted to tell you what howard feinman told andria mitchell about the optics of the gingrich surge And how the perception of that surge might lead to momentum and momentum is important, especially in a political horse race Well, he's gone But I am not going to give up on the punditry for the poor program Wherever there's a poor indigent farmer who's never heard george will's takes on kinsy and economics I'll be there Wherever there are starving unemployed families who don't know that rich laury sees starbursts every time sarah palin speaks I'll be there I'll be there in the way children laugh knowing that chris matthews thought george w bush's mission accomplished event Was magnificent and that his crotch looked so snug in his flight suit It proved to chris that women love the iraq war And when all the david brooks articles that celebrate the wealthy elite and all the charles crossheimer essays that psychoanalyze liberals He barely knows and all the snarky marine dow columns about the effeminate nature of democrats have been filed I'll be there too But until then this has been frank conif with frank conif's america So Hello, hello nate futerman here and i'm putting the kung pao back in savings With hot and spicy specials that will give you much pleasure. It's the chinese new year sale at futermans Use your noodles and stock up on men's slack 69 99 What's in that wonton? Men's hundred percent cotton shirts at 12 99 satamans 132 eldritch street cash only You jumped me. Hey, but it's not more Yeah I have a lot I have a lot more say it are you on the medic medication that you were given I'm taking three medications today alone Just finish your business. Yeah, you know, you're given a pill holder And you say you don't need to be reminded monday tuesday wednesday Meanwhile, you jump me on that line and I think it's because you don't take the medications I think it's because these are stupid lines to say here. It's all kind of a commercial is this So in other words get it over with the entire pharmaceutical industry is wrong And abe is right. Is that correct? I'm I'm on my medication. I'm a hundred percent read your part Use your noodles and stock up on men's slack 69 99 What's in that wonton? Men's hundred percent cotton shirts at 12 99 And general tau commands you to stock up on socks at just 5 99 a pair Fodderman's 132 eldritch street cash only That's the pot. Where is your where where is your nurse abe? Why why is your nurse not here? My nurse is napping Because you jumped Well, I lie. I only have the one thing to say. I thought I'd just say it whenever I did No, abe you live your life like an out-of-control child Okay, you can't do things when you want. Do you understand that at the ripe old age of 98? Let's finish it. You know what I mean? We're renting this by the hour. Come on This is Nate Fodderman wishing all my oriental friends a happy and healthy new year. Abe Yeah, tell them in chinese happy new year Okay Is that really it Fodderman's 132 eldritch street cash only By the way, were you hiking in Griffith park when they found the head? There was a head don't deny it Had nothing to do with the head The body yes An old guitar a lucky star and I'll be getting on by Just a cactus cactus crooner just a minstrel of the mesquite Right now my cat is proud and tall Settle up and harmonize with a lonely cow and a car Just a cactus crooner that song bibbity clout For the trail I go was singing just a cactus crooner a chaparral can't have later Warbling as the tumble we roll by warbling as the tumble we roll by Say I ought to change my ways, but they just can't answer me. Why no So just a cactus crooner Oh just a cactus crooner and Hold it. Oh Will ryan and the cactus county cowboys are with us One more Hollywood land Oh, how I love to be in hollywood land Gee, but it's grand Not happy haven't known as hollywood land Hop a red car out to beachwood canyon And look for the sign The one you can't miss Then take a stroll and before you know You'll be a mosey in in heaven Neat bliss up in hollywood land Oh, I'd go on and on but you understand by now That hollywood land Is the place to be And if fortune smiles upon me I know what I'm going to do I'll be up in hollywood land with you Oh Any fortune smiles upon me I know what I'm going to do I'll be a loving and laughter and an happily ever after and in hollywood land with you In hollywood land with you Up in hollywood land Thank you, Will. You're welcome, Davey. Great job From north hollywood. It's pepato tonight Starring eddie pepato. I'm frank conif along with chris pina and the progressive radio orchestra Inviting you to join eddie and his guests former governor mid romney amanda knocks and montee rock the third And now ladies and gentlemen eddie pepato Frank you look terrific Thanks, eddie. You know folks frank is very good to his liver. He visits it every sunday at the nursing home My liver says hello by the way frank's liver is talking again folks. It's saying please kill me now Oh Hey chris, how you doing tonight? Hey, I'm great eddie. Weren't we gonna have you eat dog food tonight chris? Uh, not that I know of would you like to eat dog food chris panna? Yes only if there's time Anyway chris. That's quite an outfit you got on there. Well, thanks eddie. It's a poochie. It doesn't make me look fat Does it oh not at all chris? It makes you look like a brazilian substitute teacher after she's been gang massaged by dwarves I don't get the substitute teacher part. Whoa Okay, now it's time for a segment we call pep walking I go into the streets of hollywood and ask random strangers questions In order to prove what a moron the average american is He doesn't mean you nice folks in the audience. Oh, no frank I mean some other folks who aren't here tonight. You people are geniuses There are dumb people and smart people wherever you go eddie Yeah, frank and wherever you go people are lying dead on the street because you drove home after 13 rob roys Who? Could we roll the video now? Hey folks once again, we're here at hollywood and highland or as I like to call it dumb Central and we're talking with uh, what is your name, sir dug dug? Would you prefer a question about movies or television? Uh, I'll take television. Here's your tv question. In what year was television first invented? Oh, that's a tough one. I'm gonna say 1922. I'm sorry dug, but you're way off It was 1926. I was only off by four Is that what your bank tells you when they make a mistake in your checking account? I I thought these questions were gonna be about television. Who invented the cathode ray tube Oh, I I used to know this I used to know that damn it brawn sub was it renavon brawn? No It was call brawn dug Call brawn totally different person. Sorry. I thought you knew all about television I thought I did too eddie. I'll give you one more chance to redeem yourself tv or movies Okay movies movies. We'll do movies this time. Okay. What's the highest grossing movie to date? I'm gonna say avatar. You're right dug. It is avatar. Yes. I got one. Don't be too sure that dug. It's a two-parter How much did avatar gross? Worldwide, I was just thinking about this while I was brushing my teeth this morning. Isn't that funny if you say so dug How many total dollars did avatar make is it? 2,782,275,168 No, dug It's not it's 2,782,275,172 72 Once again dug you were off by four. I'm sorry Damn it. I feel so dumb. I'm stupid. I'm stupid. I'm stupid My point exactly dug My point exactly I'm standing here with uh, what's your name? My name is consuelo ross And what do you do for a living? I'm an interpreter You mean in english to spanish interpreter? No, no, I don't speak english Okay consuelo. Do you like music? Oh very much, senority Okay, here's a musical question for you consuelo. What's the most popular Beatles song? Oh, that would have to be jester day jester day That's right consuelo and how many times was that song played in the 20th century? Oh, that's a good question Seven million times correct consuelo and can you tell me how many different versions of jester day? Have been recorded I would have to say 3000 virgins, senority. No You're wrong consuelo. You're way off. It's more than 3000 virgins How many more senority? I have no idea consuelo, but official estimates put it as more than 3000 a swing and a miss Could you tell me your name? Greg? Are you sure you're not dug? Uh, I didn't know the questions were going to be about me. They're not greg. That wouldn't be fair Are you really any pepper ton? Yes, greg and never looked me directly in the eye Would you like a question about sports or ballet? I'll take sports Okay, sports. What famous baseball player died of lou garrix disease? Lou garreg very good greg and what's the proper name for lou garrix disease? Uh, amyotrophic lateral sclerosis Correct. Could you explain to me what lou garrix disease is please? Oh boy. Um I think it's a progressive neurodegenerative disease that affects nerve cells in the brain and the spinal cord And often leads to paralysis and death Very good And how many people are diagnosed with lou garrix disease in the united states each year greg Uh, I believe it's approximately 5600 people each year eddie. You really know your baseball. Don't you greg? I try eddie. Do you like football? Love it. Tell me greg. How long is a football field in centimeters? Geez, I don't know. You can't even guess. I don't know the metric system eddie. Can I give you a hint? Okay, it's 9144 centimeters greg. I thought you were gonna give me a hint. I decided not to Well, thanks greg you sports guys aren't much for book learning. Are you I guess not I'm here with Jane lino j. Have you ever given a direct answer to a question? Listen, I've got a show letterman's got a show Conan's got another show. Everybody's getting a show now. It's just a business. It's a show business It's not show cleverness. How much money do you make? I make a lot of money letterman makes money Conan makes money everybody makes money Didn't you steal this bit from Howard Stern? Listen, I steal you steal everybody steals Everybody makes money. Howard Stern makes money. I make money. It's show business. It's not show Don't ever steal anything. Look the thing with the 10 o'clock thing was they told me that I could come back If I ate some for a while, so I ate some for a while. Then I came back. I ate Conan ate Letterman ate everybody ate Everybody except jimmy kimmel. He never ate Thanks j. Hey, listen, you're welcome letterman's welcome conan's welcome. Everybody's welcome Frank once again. I think I proved my point. What point was that eddie people are dumb is a sack of monkey crap What makes you say that I thought they answered the questions pretty well eddie Because Leno's ratings are up again since he stole the ten night show back from conan Isn't the talk show dead anyway? Deader than merv griffin Well, that's our show folks my apologies to mit romney amanda nox and montey rock the third We'll try to have them back. Who's on the show next week frank next week eddie's guests will be jennifer hudson russian cosmonaut mackayl baritino vitz corny enko and robert blake Today's show is written by steve rosenfield guy nicolucci frank conif and david weiss It featured rick overton paul dually eddie pepatoe frank conif chris pinna dillen brody and janey had dad tompkins Our executive producer is troy conrad special. Thanks to matt parez ali lexa jimmy door and alan minceki From the kpfk studios in southern california. I'm david felton