 Hey Psych2Goers, welcome back. Have you ever had someone open up to you? Did you comfort them by saying something nice? This is especially true when someone feels a bit down. We try to comfort them with our words. You might offer some advice to your best friend to give them some perspective, but sometimes these comforting words don't help and in fact might hurt them more. So with that said, to avoid slipping, here are seven comforting words that are actually harmful and what you might want to do or say instead. 1. It's okay, you'll get over it. It's understandable that when someone is sad or hurt, we want them to feel better by talking about the future. Maybe you want them to know that they will move on and get over their feelings, but when someone is opening up to you, you can't just tell them they'll move on. According to clinical psychologist Dr. Friedman, telling a person to move on is counterproductive, since it will only suppress their feelings and never really process them. This would make them hold on to these negative emotions, which might come back in the future. Instead, try saying, you have the right to feel that way, or what you're feeling is valid. This way they're given the time and space to process those emotions. 2. There are people that are dying. Okay, maybe not exactly those words, but try not to diminish people's feelings. It's like saying other people have bigger problems. The intention is to let the person know that they're going to be fine, but this isn't the way to comfort someone. Of course, there will always be someone far worse off, but this doesn't make this person's feelings invalid. Saying this makes them think what they feel is less important. Improper even. They might feel bad for having those emotions and become fearful of opening up in the future, in case they're invalidated again. You could try saying, what can I do to help you? This could mean that you're open to giving them a hand when they need you to. 3. What you need to do is Giving advice isn't necessarily bad, but when someone is opening up to you, advice might make them think that they're not trying hard enough, or that the situation is their fault and that they're the problem. When we want a person to change their behavior, we don't tell them what to do, but help their motivation to truly change their behavior. So maybe let them decide on their own, because no one knows them better than themselves. 4. You know, I went through the same thing. Sometimes when a person is opening up to you, you also want to tell them a story that shows you can relate. But this isn't comforting them. It's a way of avoiding a conversation with them and leads to minimizing their feelings. It also leads to toxic positivity and might prevent them from actually asking for help and dealing with their feelings, because you didn't need to. Telling them a similar story is taking the light away from them and preventing them from expressing their feelings. Everyone processes things differently. Try not to make it about yourself. 5. Everything happens for a reason In some instances, this might work, but not when a person is at the peak of their emotions. Hearing this would make them feel that what they went through made sense, but the reality is, it doesn't. At least not all the time. According to psychiatry professor Dr. Beltman, using this statement can encourage hope, but also creates excessive positivity. Positivity is a good attitude, but it should be used at appropriate times. Upsetting times can be confusing, but you could just say, I wish I had the right words to make it make sense, but I don't. Nonetheless, I'm here to listen. 6. Well, at least you have a job When we comfort other people, we try to take away their pain by highlighting good experiences in their life, but by doing this, you're minimizing a person's experience and invalidating their painful experiences, which might even make them feel like they're being ungrateful for the good stuff in life. Try saying, I don't know what to say, but you are very brave for opening up. 7. I know what you're going through Even if you think you know what that person is going through, the truth is, you don't. Grief and pain are common emotions. Everyone experiences that at some point, but people feel emotions to different degrees. The pain you felt when you lost your dog is not the same as another person losing their dog. So instead of saying, you know what they're going through, you could say, I could not imagine what you're going through right now, but I'm here to listen. This is an honest statement of acknowledging your lack of knowledge of their feelings, but a reassuring statement that you will be there for them despite this lack. In a concluding note, sometimes empathy is not what we say, but simply being present with them is enough. Sometimes this might just mean sitting in silence with them, or just going for a walk together. Whatever it is, just try to practice active listening. Do you want a video on active listening? If yes, comment below.