 This is Jack Veneto, and I want to say, folks, it's a pleasure spending a week here in Baltimore. It certainly is. I don't know, everybody's so nice here, aren't they, Don? Well, they certainly are, Jack. Really lovely people. You know, Don, I got on a streetcar this morning, and the conductor took my fare, and actually apologized for not saving me a seat. No kidding! Yes, sir, you may not believe this, but I walked into a restaurant yesterday, ordered two eggs, and the chicken came out and thanked me. Oh, what do you know? Really, the hospitality here is overwhelming, you know. Come in. Mr. Benny? Yes. I hope I'm not intruding, but is that your car parked downstairs? Why, yes, officer, yes. Well, I regret to inform you that the thing right next to it is a fire plug. Oh, you don't say. Well, I really didn't see it. Well, that's all right, I believe you. Here, take this summons. Will you please be in court Tuesday morning at nine o'clock? You just know I will. Thank you so much. Good evening. Now, wasn't he a lovely fellow, Don? Oh, just ducky. Now, why can't all mankind be like that? Well, say, Jack, there are a lot of distinguished people sitting in our audience. There's the governor of Maryland in the front row. That's nice. Nice is the governor's name. Oh, Jack, here's someone else to see you. Oh, how do you do, sir? Greetings, my friend. I'm glad you're here in Baltimore. Thank you, and whom have I the pleasure of speaking to? I'm the mayor of Philadelphia. Don, courtesy like all other things can be overdone. Let's go ahead with the program. Hello, Jack. Hello, Mary. You look sad. What's the trouble? Oh, I feel terrible. I wrote a poem about Baltimore, and I lost it. Hooray! God, that's too bad, thank heaven. Now, what was the idea of the poem? Oh, about Baltimore. The people are so friendly here. That's just what I was telling Don. How are they treating you, Mary? Well, I loaned a girl $5 this morning, and she didn't even ask my name. Well, did you know her? No. That's fine. You never would loan me $5, and you know me. That's this. Don't get personal. They think I'm a swell guy around here. That's all right. I won't talk. Now, let's drop it. What kind of a time did you have in Washington last week, Mary? Do you want the truth, or must it be funny? Well, make it funny. After all, this is a comedy program. Well, I went fishing in Washington. Democratic fish. Sounds interesting. What's a Democratic fish? A New Deal. Say that's good. Where's Kenny Baker? I want to pull it on him. He won't get it. Quiet, Mary. There's Kenny now. Here I am, Jack. Feeling fine, but dumb as an oyster. Hey, you're just the guy I'm looking for. Listen, while I was in Washington last week, I caught some Democratic fish. What's a Democratic fish? A New Deal. Good, isn't it, Kenny? Yeah, imagine an eel without clothes on. Oh, I should have known better. Gee, he's so dumb, I'll bet he thinks fish cakes are a dessert. Yeah, well, what are they, Mary? I don't know. That's what I get for budding in. Say, Jack, I'm getting tired of Mary saying I'm dumb. She does it every week. We should cut it out. He's right, Mary. You're always picking on him. You're always calling him dumb. Tell him you're sorry. Kenny. Yeah? I'm sorry you're dumb. You're welcome. Well, I did the best I could, Kenny. And now, folks, tonight we are having... Oh, wait just a minute, Jack. I've been listening to your conversation, and I don't get the joke about the New Deal. You don't, Johnny? No, when it comes to jokes, I'm green. When it comes to punger, all right, get this, Johnny. Mary said she caught a Democratic fish, and the answer is New Deal. Now, it sounds like New Deal, but it's New Deal, see? Oh, now I get it. It's just like the word coconut. What's coconut got to do with it? Oh, nothing. I just thought it might get a laugh. Oh. That takes the prize. That's the dumbest crack yet. Gee, do I have to apologize to him, too? No, Mary, it takes one to know one. Say, Wilson, which do you like better, the coconut or the New Deal? Jello, because it has the New Deal-ishest flavors. Strawberry, raspberry, cherry, orange, lemon, and lime. That's what I thought. Now, Johnny, we'll appreciate your work. A garden in the front, a garage in the back, and two letters from the landlord on the stoop. Places, everybody. Curtain. Music, Johnny. The telephone is ringing, Lemuel. Well, let it ring. Always does at the start of our plays, and I'm getting sick of it. Oh, well, Lemuel, do you know what day this is? Yes, Alicia. It's our 20th anniversary. I think I'll go out and kill a chicken. Why blame the poor chicken? That's a foul joke. You know, I was just thinking, our daughter Nell is getting nigh onto 18, and she's still hanging around the old homestead. Why don't she get out like other gals do and forget us old folks? Nell is very happy here, and don't want to leave home. That's because she don't know why gals leave home. She's getting to the age now where we got to tell her. Here she comes now. I'll speak to her. There's no place like home. There's no place like home. Be it ever so. Oh, Nell. Nell. Yes, Daddy. What you been doing? I just chopped some wood, and now I'm going to scrub the floors and go out and paint the old barn. See, I love this place. Oh, you do, eh? Well, I guess it's our fault. Sit down, Nell. We'll have a bite of dinner. Then I want to talk to you. What are we going to have for dinner, Ma? Hash. Well, if you find a pair of glasses in it, they're mine. I just love hash. Hello? Yes. It's for you, Nell. It's that Zeke Green. He's been calling you twice a year. I think he's stuck on you. Hello? Oh, hello, Zeke. What's that? No, no, Zeke. I can never marry you. Never. Besides, I'll have to ask Father. Oh, Daddy, Zeke wants me to marry him. Well, it's all right with me, gal. He's a fine boy. Father said no, Zeke. What's that? You're coming right over. All right. Goodbye. Nell, what's the matter with you anyway? Why don't you marry Zeke? Because I love this home, and I'll never leave. You might as well. We'll all be thrown out next month. The audience seemed to be glad of that. Come in. Hi there, folks. Hello, Zeke. You got here quick. Sit down and have a bite of dinner with us. No, siri. I had here once got sick as a dog. I noticed that resemblance. What's on your mind, Zeke? Well, Mr. Wethersby, I came here to ask for your daughter's hand. I love Nell and I want to marry her. Now, do I get her or not? Take her, Zeke, and good luck to you. Oh, so you're going to stand in the way, eh? Well, I'm going to fight till I get her. Hey, Johnny, aren't you reading the wrong lines? Lines are no lines. I love Nell. But Zeke... Now, listen, Nell, we'll have to elope. Be ready at nine o'clock tonight and I'll come to your window with a ladder. You better make that ten. I go to bed at nine. Okay. Goodbye, Nell. I'd rather marry Dracula than that Zeke Green. Well, you can't expect to get one of those movie stars. Better go to bed, Nell. We're now going to scene two with the window of Nell's room. It is ten o'clock at night and pitch dark. Is that you, Zeke? No, it's me, Kenny Baker. Zeke couldn't come tonight. Where are you? Well, I'm up here on the ladder. Hurry up. We gotta elope. I can't leave home. I won't leave. Besides, you'll have to ask father. Where is father? I'm down here holding the ladder. Nell, before Kenny changes his mind. You know Zeke did. Yes, Nell. Come with me. And I'll make you happy. No, no. Better make that two hundred. It's getting late. I can never marry you, Kenny. Looks like I'll never get rid of that daughter of mine. Who's that? It's me, Pete Wilson. Hello, Pete. What are you doing here this time of night? I love your daughter and I want to marry her. You too. Hey, Kenny, get off that ladder and make room for Pete. Be careful there, Pete. Don't fall. Oh, Nell. No, Pete. I shall never leave home unless I have a good reason. For heaven's sake, Pete, give her a reason. I love you, Nell. Ain't that enough? No, love isn't everything. Give her another reason, Pete. Here it comes, folks. I have jello. Make me twice as rich as ever before. She'll never desert you now. That was why Nell left home. And immediately after the next number, we will show you why Nell came back.