 Good morning John. So there have been a bunch of times over the last few weeks when this has become more and more real. This is the big one though. So I noticed that my lymph nodes were big. I talked to my doctor. She says probably nothing will send you in for an ultrasound, got an ultrasound. The tech in the ultrasound room was like, I'm going to go get a doctor. That's not what you want to have happen. She was great, the tech. And so was the doctor. And they were like, this looks like it could be suspicious for lymphoma and we'll get you in for a biopsy. And then I took the order for the surgery and like the paperwork down to the surgery office. And I like gave it to the woman at the window and she's like, oh, hand delivery. And I was like, yeah, the surgery is tomorrow. And she's like, oh, procrastinator. And I was like, well, no, it just got scheduled just now. And she and then like her eyes change. It's like when you're in the American healthcare system, you don't expect things to move quick. Like that's not what it that's not what it does. That's not what it looks like. And then when it starts to get a little bit efficient, it's actually quite disconcerting. I've seen that so many times and it doesn't look like that. What's happening right now? It's like seeing a horse that has hands. It's just not that's very upsetting. Like it's good. I'm glad everybody's taking things seriously right now. But holy, so her eyes change. And it's like seeing a flight attendant on a plane that's in the air running down the aisle. Like that can't be good. Either somebody or everybody's having a very bad day because I don't know all the noises a plane makes. And I don't know all the ways that the healthcare system works. But you do. And you look like something is weird. I already knew it was weird though. Everybody has been great and very supportive. But biopsy, good news, bad news. One, it's cancer. It's called lymphoma. It's a cancer of the lymphatic system. And good news is something called Hodgkin's lymphoma. It's the most treatable, like one of the most treatable cancers. It responds very well to treatment. The goal is cure. The procedure to get there is fairly well known if unpleasant. I have a friend, amazingly enough, who has been through a diagnosis and treatment and remission and is 10 years post with Hodgkin's lymphoma. It's been really nice to have that in my back pocket for texting and being like, is this normal? And am I panicking? And please tell me I'm gonna be okay. But the treatment is a fairly well-established system of chemotherapies. Which I'm gonna start very soon. I'm not looking really forward to it, but I'm looking forward to starting on the path. Yeah, prognosis is very good for people with Hodgkin's lymphoma. It seems likely that we caught mine early. I'm still waiting on a scan to sort of confirm that. But even when it's not super early, even when it's in multiple parts of the body, Hodgkin's is super treatable. Like solid mass tumors, like lung cancer, prostate cancer. To figure out how to live somewhere else in the body, it's like a really big leap for them. It means that they've changed and they've evolved and they've got like a bunch of new strategies for survival, which is why metastasis in solid cancers is a really big deal. This is a blood cancer. So it's a cancer of the immune cells, the lymphocytes. And so they are already all over the body. Other parts of the body are like, hey, yo, you're fine here. Whereas like, prostate cells in the lungs would normally get attacked. And so prostate cancer cells in the lungs means that they've developed a whole set of new strategies. Lymphoma cells don't have to do that. So it doesn't mean something super bad if lymphoma has spread. It's worse for clarity. But it's not the same giant gap between like stage one and stage four with lymphoma as it is with solid mass tumors. Anyway, I have a bunch of risk factors for lymphoma, including medications I've taken, including the fact that I have an autoimmune disease, including the fact that I had mono when I was a kid, all these are risk factors. So it was something that I was looking out for and have been aware of. I'm glad everybody took it seriously. And we got a diagnosis pretty quick. I said this to you already, John. I said, you know, this is the best time so far in human history to get lymphoma, which is a very hank green thought. And then you would give me very John green thought and said, well, a year from now would have been better. So I'm going to talk about this in like a weird way now. And I don't want you to think that I'm not processing this in a deeper sort of more emotional way or with regards to my personal life. It's just that I don't really want to do that here right now. Because it's very heavy to talk about the diagnosis from those perspectives. But I do feel comfortable and ready to talk publicly about it in terms of my work, whatever that is, which is important, you know, like one of the things that I've noticed about this is that there are practicalities. And this is also true of like, any big unpleasantness in a life that there's like logistics to take care of. And so I've been dealing with a lot of logistics like, who do you tell? How do you tell them? What are we going to do about different things that I'm working on? So I've talked to a few friends who have been through various different cancers and cancer treatments. And one of the things that they all said is, this is your job now. Do this one day at a time. Don't have obligations. You can have things that you can do if you want to that day. And it's good to have those things because depression and anxiety are a big part of this. And like, I'm not a person who has struggled a lot with that. But I have seen firsthand now how intricately linked those things can be. And the call of just lay in bed and feel bad is very strong. And even though I don't feel bad at all right now, except for like some soreness because the biopsy and maybe because my lymph nodes are big, I don't feel any symptoms of this. I feel fine. I don't even really feel fatigued. It's hard to tell. I feel stressed. But the moment I start chemo, I'm going to feel a lot of symptoms from that. And and they're like, that's going to be like, just dealing with that is going to be a lot. And you're not going to be good at stuff. You're not going to be good at stuff. Like don't expect to be able to do your life. So basically what that means is like, what am I going to make? I don't know. Am I going to make vlogbrothers videos? Am I going to make Dear Hank and John? Am I going to make SciShow? I'm going to make Tangents? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't plan it by ear. I know that I'm going to feel like garbage, like it's going to be really unpleasant. You know, chemo is intentionally poisoning your body so that the super hungry cells get poisoned more and die. And that's that's how it works. And it works well. But like, you're you got to you got to put a lot of poisoning. But I want to know the lovely things about, you know, my experience of my colleagues and this community, nobody's going to expect me to do anything. Nobody's going to be expecting things from me. Now, I do operate off of obligation. And so I do want some reasons to get out of bed. And I'm going to try and set some of those up for me. But I'm much more worried about me putting too much pressure on me to do things or worry about things. And so that's going to be something that I have to get better at. You can see this probably more in my actions than my words, but I'm a very driven person. And I take obligations like I hold them very seriously, and they weigh on me a lot and cause a lot of stress when there's like space between what I feel I should get done and what I feel capable of what I'm what I am capable of doing. And so that's what on my big worries. I'm just saying it out loud for myself mostly, but also to say I hope you are down with me making stuff when I feel like it because I love it. And like I need to be doing things when I feel up for it. And also I know that you'll be fine with me taking breaks. And you know, I don't like this could be I have no idea it's it's on the order it's not going to be less than four months of chemo. Another thing I'm worried about that's not a big deal. And I know it's silly, but I'm wrestling with the reality that this is now part of how people are going to imagine me. It's like it's an identity that I'm having thrust upon me, which happens to people all the time, and is totally the thing that I will get over. But I do like I do just kind of want to say it out loud that like I want to be like fun goofy science guy, not like struggling with anxiety cancer guy. And like, you know, you can be both. So I think I just have to let that go. Because this it's just one more thing that I'm not in control of right now, which is a lot of things like there are things that you have absolute control over very few. And then there's like a spectrum all the way to you have no control. But now there's just this big set of my life that I have no control over. And I'm struggling with that. That's hard. That's a that's like a kind of it's like a thing to grieve. And my last lesson since I have you here is that all of the time I have ever spent investing in friendships and and even when they have been hard to try and keep them strong. And even when I have been busy to try and spend time with them has been joyful in the moment and wise in the long term. I have been I've really needed friends in the last few weeks and I've been very grateful to have them. I felt very lucky to have great friends and family around to joke with and hang with and support me and give me the good vibes. You know, and now I have requests if you can believe it. My my requests are one, I do not need health care advice. I have been very well taken care of. I know there are a lot of different ways and a lot of different things that are very helpful to a lot of different people. I have that in people suggesting things to me in my like world of friends and acquaintances. This is too big of a group for that. I think I would be overwhelmed and more broadly hear non-mainstream ways to deal with with cancer and to to fight cancer itself. I'm not I find that to of course be well-meaning but confusing and distracting and not for me. Second, I'm not really a like what's fight this thing together kind of guy. I think that the the prognosis for illness is mostly down to good science, good health care, good outlook, good attitude and like chance. Like it's too much of it much more than we would like to think comes down to chance and I just feel very grateful to all the people who have spent their careers studying disease and cancer and lymphoma and Hodgkins specifically. Which if you can believe this was originally thought to be a form of tuberculosis when it was first discovered in the early 1900s. It's not but they thought it was. So it all comes back. Everything is tuberculosis John. All this is to say like I just I don't need there to be like a big thing about it. I just want y'all to know where I'm at and what's going on. Now at the same time I do understand that people are going to want to do something. Like and I have a I have requests. I do have things that I would like from you. Here are two things you can do. First, if you haven't you can sign up for a newsletter. Like I think knowing me I'm going to still find joy in creating and communicating with people if I can and the easiest lowest-lift way of doing that. Probably going to be writing something down and putting it in a newsletter. And so if I still want that but I'm not feeling up to making videos and podcasts. That would be a nice thing to be able to have so you can sign up for that. It's the top thing in the description and I'd appreciate that. Second, if you could give me ideas for movies and TV shows and video games that are not heavy at all. Like no emotion. I go watch the Dungeons and Dragons movie because I think that's gonna be a fun time. And not all of the themes were restful for me. I have to say. So really dumb things that will not make you cry. Could not make any one crock. Because I've been told that I'm gonna have some time to consume media and I desperately need to be distracted. As you can tell I'm fine but I'm not fine. And it sucks. Like I know that this sucks most for me but I also know that it sucks for everybody in this community. So I feel like apologizing but that would be stupid. So I'm not going to. But I think you know what I mean. I just want to recognize that it sucks. So thanks. I hope this isn't my last vlog where there's video for four months or whatever. If it is it is. I don't want to put pressure on me. John will probably take some time off because it's just probably a little weird to post just him on the channel. But we'll play it by ear. We'll figure it out as we go. One day at a time. And I continue to be extraordinarily grateful for so many of the things in my life including this. And John I'll see you on Tuesday.