 Test, 914-0214 Name, Janitor Kurt Date, April 5th, 2018 Total items, one box full of old keys from before the site switch over to electronic locks Input, roughly one kilo of assorted keys, setting rough Output, cubes of various metals stacked in the form of a padlock Input, one large brass key, setting 11 Output, one brass padlock, locked, unknown lock pinning Note, a key I'd never found a lock for, now a lock with no key, Kurt Input, one key chain, seven keys total, plus one key ring, setting fine Output, key ring with TSA, transportation security administration of the USA, issued travel bag opening tools Note, these will help with opening the bags and lost and found, Kurt Input, the former access key to the janitor's closet, setting very fine Output, one metal credit card, Visa number 4 8, belonging to JP ████, the CEO of Amazon Note, I guess money can buy you access, Kurt Note, you're not keeping that, Chief Security Officer right Test, 914-0215 Name, Dr. Hadean Date, May 5th, 2018 Total items, a piece of paper, depicting various proofs and postulates in simple symbol form Input, the aforementioned paper, setting very fine Output, a complex cellular diagram Basic deciphering has shown the original postulator still present, along with no fewer than 15 others, with meanings that are not readily apparent Secured for further study Note, requesting a copy of this for personal records, once we know there's no memetic effects tied to it Dr. Hadean Note, take it, that thing gives me a headache Dr. Veritas Test, 914-0216 Name, Dr. F. Baskham Date, May 5th, 2018 Total items, 4 granite stones, 2 kilograms each, 1 Kalanite geode Input, 1 granite stone, 2 kilograms Setting, rough Output, very fine sand, sorted in piles of identical minerals Input, 1 granite stone, 2 kilograms Setting, coarse Output, 1 hollow stone, and 1 extracted seashell fossil Note, how did it do this without breaking the original rock? Input, 1 Kalanite geode Setting, 1-1 Output, 1 opal geode of the same mass and size Note, turning boring grey rock into a beautiful opal, I'm liking this thing Input, 1 granite stone, 2 kilograms Setting, fine Output, 1 miniature volcano with a single lava flow 1100 degrees Celsius Object cooled rapidly and the lava hardened in seconds Note, I'll need to test this with a larger rock later I should also make some x-rays of this volcano to determine its internal composition Input, 1 granite stone, 2 kilograms Setting, very fine Output, 1 miniature replica of the Mount Rushmore National Memorial However, the faces have been changed George Washington with Andrew Johnson Thomas Jefferson with Bill Clinton Theodore Roosevelt with an unknown female and Abraham Lincoln with current sitting President Donald J. Trump The significance of these alterations is unclear Note, I don't understand, who is that woman, a future president? The statue is very detailed though Test, 914-0217 Name, Researcher Blay Date, May 5th, 2018 Total items, 2 pairs of standard UV protection sunglasses Input, 1 pair of sunglasses Setting, rough Output, 1 tinted pane of glass dimensions 50 by 50 by 3 millimeters When pointed at a light and looked through, the pane generates extreme hallucinations from the light source Such hallucinations have included dragons and smoke monsters to birds with blue flaming wings and horns like a goat Hallucinations vary from subject to subject, and seem to have no correlation to the viewer's mental state or personality When the pane is turned away from the source, the hallucinations immediately cease and reset until turned back to the light Note, multiple D-class subjects have reported seeing a deer with enormous antlers and crazy floating orbs when looked through the pane of glass Investigation to a possible connection to SCP-2845 is underway Input, 1 pair of sunglasses Setting, 1-1 Output, 1 pair of aviator-style sunglasses with mirrored lenses Mimetic effects occur when a person views another individual wearing the sunglasses Subjects will exclaim and persist that the glasses are the most extremely stylish and hip they have ever seen Further testing is in order Note, definitely the most sexy pair of sunglasses I have ever seen in my life I have to keep them if I'm ever going to get a date Researcher-Blay Note, sure, Blay, of course I'm going to let you keep an anomalous object for your personal gain I stored it in the anomalous item link for study Don't ask where, I'm not telling you Dr. Veritas Investigation to a possible connection to SCP-2845 is underway Mimetic effects occur when a person views another individual wearing the sunglasses Subjects will exclaim and persist that the glasses are the most efficient and hip they have ever seen Input, 1 pair of sunglasses Mimetic effects occur when a person views another individual wearing the sunglasses Subjects will exclaim and persist that the glasses are the most stylish and hip they have ever seen Note, the knot has no apparent seams or welding spots This is beautifully made Canter Input, 1 printout and 1 spear Setting fine Output, 1 collection of 5 intercepted in tetrahedra Warming on a chysahedron with a paper origami woven between the tetrahedra To spell out 1 of the numbers 1 through 20 on each of the 20 chysahedron faces The 1 and 20 faces are inked completely black The other numbers are white paper Rolling the D-20 had no observable anomalous effects Note, 3 kilos something makes for a heavy D-20 Canter Note We'll use it for special occasions House Dwarf Input, 1 printout and 1 spear Setting very fine Output, 1 origami climb bottle Inscribed with SCP-3669-2 Function unknown Awaiting O5 approval for the creation of an SCP-3669-1 to discern the meaning of the inscriptions 1 or 2 iron spears It is unclear if the spears are truly two separate objects, or one object simultaneously in multiple locations The spears are solid only to matter, that is not the other spear. They phase through each other when they touch The sum mass of the spears when separate is 6 kilograms When fully phased into each other, the sum mass is 3 kilograms Note, I don't understand these arrows, and why is the paper climb bottle shaped? Canter Note, I'm still unsure if we solved the Ben Oktarsky paradox with these iron orbs. I do know that they are giving me a headache. House Dwarf Test 914-0219 Name Researcher Thompson Date May 12th, 2018 Total Items 3 character sheets for the tabletop role-playing game Dungeons & Dragons 3.5th Edition Build up a Researcher Thompson Input 1 character sheet for the tabletop role-playing game Dungeons & Dragons 3.5th Edition Build up a Researcher Thompson Setting 11 Output A log detailing the character's adventures including their victories in combat Interaction with other characters Skills they've learned And treasure they found Input 1 character sheet for the tabletop role-playing game Dungeons & Dragons 3.5th Edition Build up a Researcher Thompson Setting fine 1 character sheet for the tabletop role-playing game Call of Cthulhu Edition 5.5 Researcher Thompson, who is familiar with the game, remarked the character design to be highly creative and original Input 1 character sheet for the tabletop role-playing game Dungeons & Dragons 3.5th Edition Build up a Researcher Thompson Setting very fine Output A sheet of paper promoting the non-existent tabletop role-playing game Fear in the Foundation First Edition The paper repeatedly makes claims about the fun factor of the game, but gives little information as to its actual content Upon reading the entirety of the paper, subjects undergo an out-of-body experience in which they perceive themselves to exist in the game world Based on subject reports, elements of the game are taken from several different tabletop role-playing games The game is also noted to contain several foundation and SCP-related characters, items and locations Subjects will exit the state upon either dying in the game or defeating the final villain Note, I gave this a try and ended up seeing SCP-096's faces or rolling a wand on stealth If you don't hear from me within 5 minutes, I blow my brains out Researcher Jacobson Note, Researcher Jacobson was later found dead in the Anomalous Item Storage Wing Access to Fear in the Foundation now requires supervision of at least one armed member of Site Security in case of visual hazards 05-6 Test 914-022-0 Name Dr. Lovelace Date May 25, 2018 Total Items One AIC Artificial Intelligence Construct Server with Integrated Battery Pack and alexander.aic preloaded One Dell Brand LCD Monitor One Dell Brand US Keyboard And One Dell Brand PC Mouse Input The AIC Server, Monitor, Keyboard and Mouse Setting 1-1 Output One IBM Branded Server One Battery Pack External Connected to the Server One Samsung Branded OLED Monitor One IBM Branded Keyboard with Integrated Trackball A copy of Glockon.aic was found running on the Server Transcript Dr. Lovelace Alexander, are you ready? Yes, let's do this Turning the key Let's see what we got I'm ready to begin the test doctor, please continue What? Who are you? I am Glockon.aic version 1.9.4 A second generation artificial intelligence construct Note, right Dr. Lovelace Test 914-0221 Name Dr. Hazard Date May 23, 2018 Total Items One AP Calculus Textbook Input One AP Calculus Textbook Setting Rough Output Large Shreds of Paper and Plastic in a Pile Note, what? Don't look at me like that School's over Dr. Hazard Note, Hazard? If I catch you using 914 as your personal paper shredder again I'm reassigning you to cite ██ Yes, the one on Antarctica Dr. Baratos Test 914-0222 Name Researcher Bunsen Date May 23, 2018 Total Items Six Sets of DVDs Each set containing all 94 episodes of Himitsu no Akuchan 1969-1970 An all copy from DVDs imported directly from Japan Two Japanese English Dictionaries One printout of an article from honeysanime.com Input One set of Himitsu no Akuchan DVDs Setting 11 Output The DVDs now contain all 109 episodes of Sally the Witch 1966-1967 Input One set of Himitsu no Akuchan DVDs Setting 11 Output Two smaller sets of DVDs Each containing all 52 episodes of Magic Angel Creamy Mami 1983-1984 Note I won't say no to free anime, but this isn't quite what I was looking for P. Bunsen Input One set of Himitsu no Akuchan DVDs Setting fine Output The episodes have been reanimated in the style of the 1988-1989 reboot Input One set of Himitsu no Akuchan DVDs Setting very fine Output The episodes have been reanimated in the style of the 1998-1999 reboot Input One set of Himitsu no Akuchan DVDs One Japanese English Dictionary Setting 11 Output One volume of the original Himitsu no Akuchan manga in Japanese One set of DVDs containing a video curriculum on how to learn Japanese Input One set of Himitsu no Akuchan DVDs One Japanese English Dictionary One printout of an article from honeysanime.com on how to create fan subs of anime Setting very fine Output DVDs and dictionary remain unchanged Printout of honeysanime.com article replaced with a printout of an article from themoves.com Entitled, 5 reasons no one ever helps you out when you ask for favors Spoiler, it's you Test 914-0223 Name Dr. Gold Date May 23, 2018 Total items One interlocking metal ring puzzle Input One interlocking metal ring puzzle Setting course Output The ring puzzle Fully disassembled into its separate rings Input One disassembled ring puzzle Setting 11 Output One disassembled ring puzzle of different make Pieces fit together into a separate puzzle Note, dang it, I thought I was onto something there I was going to try Injun's next if it had worked One more thing to try though, Dr. Gold Test 914-0224 Name Dr. Gold Date May 25, 2018 Total items One disassembled interlocking metal ring puzzle Input One disassembled ring puzzle Setting fine Output One disassembled ring puzzle Object is notably more complex in input Featuring multiple small pieces in gray with spiraling contours Object described as Somewhat unsettling But still very interesting Note Well, that didn't work At least we got something nice out of it I don't know why it feels so… weird Maybe it's some kind of low level cognitohazard I suppose I should get it looked over Dr. Gold Test 914-0225 Name Junior researcher Martin Date May 24, 2018 Total items Two 300ml beakers Built with 100ml of distilled water Weighing 200g each Input One beaker of distilled water Setting 1-1 Output One bowl of distilled water Measured mass was 200g Input One beaker of distilled water Setting fine Output One glass spear decorated in fractal patterns Water was stored inside spear Total mass was 200g The glass spear broke into 7 separate pieces When retrieval of water was attempted Test 914-0226 Name Dr. Alice Forth Date May 28, 2018 Total items One tachyon emission device Functional Output One tachyon emission device Item displayed approximately 700 years of accumulated wear And was entirely non-functional Setting Dial rotated back and forth repeatedly until a relevant item was inserted Input One tachyon emission device Acquired from the Department of Temporal Anomalies Following identification of the output Note I'm not questioning it And neither should you Consider this an informal caution against using SCP-914 to alter ChronoTek Dr. Forth Test 914-0227 Name Dr. Crocker Date May 30, 2018 Total items One smaller replica of SCP-914 As created on December 17, 2017 Input SCP-914 replica Setting 11 Output A 0.5m x 0.35m x 0.15m copper pad With 12 4x5 rectangles of 20 pins Roughly resembling a UK electrical plugged earth pin Arranged in four rows of three Upon one of its 0.5m x 0.35m faces Nearing one of the long edges of the same face Three 4mm wooden conduits Each containing a solid copper dial protrude While neither SCP-914 nor any of its smaller replicas Show a viable pair for either kind of connector Its design and means of creation imply That both machines may connect to an intermediate device Or piece of machinery Test 914-0228 Name Dr. Crocker Date June 1, 2018 Total items Three unassembled IKEA Stiffon Black Pack chairs Two IKEA Stiffon assembly manuals One encouraging note written by Dr. Crocker Input One unassembled chair Setting fine Output One assembled chair Having had its components connected together in a random useless configuration Input One unassembled chair One IKEA Stiffon assembly manual Setting fine Output An assembled chair Albeit with the front legs and back of the aforementioned chair switched in places Its seat has been heavily damaged Seemingly by a hammer or other blunt instrument Note, we've all been there Dr. Crocker Input One unassembled chair One IKEA Stiffon assembly manual And one posted note with a sentence You can do it Written on it in H.B. Pencil by Dr. Crocker Setting very fine Output A 60 centimeter wooden automaton resembling a humanoid figure that shows an obsessive interest in IKEA products and their assembly While showing extreme enthusiasm towards being allowed to assemble furniture itself, it has failed to make any progress beyond aimless movement of furniture components and tests. Object is thus presumed to be non-sentient Test 914-0229 Name Dr. Hassid Date June 4th, 2018 Total items Four old papers from the notice board in Site cafeteria Input One logistics tip flyer from the Foundation Logistics Department Filling every nook and cranny Tips for efficient transport Setting course Output The same flyer as the input Cut into a continuous ribbon following the Hilbert curve Seven iterations Note The flyer seemed unchanged at first But upon pickup, it was revealed to be cut into a continuous ribbon following the Hilbert space-filling curve Dr. Hassid Input One ethics committee advisory against workplace romance Setting 11 Output One wedding RSVP between Dr. ██ and Agent ██ With SCP-173 as the Efficient, depicted in the background Of note is that Dr. ██ and Agent ██ were unaware of each other when questioned Note The first test stuck with the theme of filling space I have no idea what the theme here should be and find the prospect of SCP-173 officiating a wedding to be deeply disturbing Dr. Hassid Input One pen drawing of SCP-914 on A4 paper No known author Setting fine Output One folded pop-up origami replica of SCP-914 Seemingly made by separating the individual layers of fiber in the original sheet of paper Blue ink accentuates the outer edges of the origami The object was damaged when attempting to fold the paper fold Note Now this is more like what I thought it would do The detailing on this thing is amazing Too bad it crumpled when we tried to close it again Dr. Hassid Input One printed presentation slide, Funnels and You, by Dr. Gears Signed by Dr. Kondracky Setting very fine Output One paper funnel With an intake diameter of 5 cm Output diameter of 5 mm Any matter fitting to 5 cm input Can be pressed through the funnel with minimal effort Regardless of the material density or composition Note My department doesn't have the budget to push a diamond through this thing But I did manage to thin out a 4 cm steel bar down to 5 mm with my bare hands Dr. Hassid