 Chapter 21 of She and Alan. Reading by Lars Rolander. Yes, answered Asher, laughing very softly. For that purpose alone, O truth the seeking Alan, whose curiosity so fears that the wild world cannot hold it, did you come to quarrel and not to seek wealth or new lands, or to fight more savages? No, not even to look upon a certain Asher, of whom the old wizard told you. Though I think you have always loved to try to lift the veil that hides women's hearts, if not their faces. Yet it was I who brought you to quarrel for my own purposes, not your desire, nor Sikhalis' map and talisman. Since had not the white lady who lies sick been stolen by razor, never would you have pursued the journey, nor found the way hither. How could you have anything to do with that business? I asked, testily, for my nerves were on edge, and I said the first thing that came into my mind. That, Alan, is a question over which you will wonder, for a long while, either beneath or beyond the sun, as you will wonder concerning much that has to do with me, which your little mind, shut in its iron box of ignorance and pride cannot understand today. For example, you have been wondering, I am sure, how the lightning killed those eleven men, whose bodies you went to look on an hour or two ago, and left the rest untouched. Well, I will tell you at once that it was not lightning that killed them, although the strength within me was manifest to you in storm, but rather what that which doctor of your following called wizardry, because they were traitors who betrayed your army to razor. I killed them with my wrath, and by the wonder of my power. Oh, you do not believe, yet perhaps ere long you will, since thus to fulfill your prayer I must also kill you, almost. That is the trouble, Alan. To kill you outright would be easy, but to kill you just enough to set your spirit free, and yet leave one crevice of mortal life through which it can creep back again. That is most difficult, a thing that only I can do, and even on myself I am not sure. Pray, do not try the experiment. I began thoroughly alarmed, but she cut me short. Disturb me no more, Alan, for the tremors and changes of your uncertain mind list you should work more evil than you think, and making mine uncertain also spoil my skill. Nay, do not try to fly, for already the net has thrown itself about you, and you cannot stir, who are bound like a little tilted wasp in the spider's web, or like birds beneath the eyes of basilisks. This was true, for I found that, strive as I would, I could not move a limb or even an eyelid. I was frozen to that spot, and there was nothing for it except to curse my folly and say my prayers. All this while she went on talking, but of what she said I have not the faintest idea, because my remaining wits were absorbed in these much needed implorations. Presently, of a sudden, I appear to see Asha seated in a temple, for there were columns about her, and behind her was an altar on which fire burned. All round her, too, were hooded snakes, like to that which she wore about her middle, fashioned in gold. To these snakes she sang, and they danced to her singing. Yes, with flickering tongues they danced upon their tails. What the scene signified I cannot conceive, unless it meant that this mistress of magic was consulting her familiars. Then that vision vanished, and Asha's voice began to seem very far away and dreamy. Also her wondrous beauty became visible to me through her veil, as though I had acquired a new sense that overcame the limitations of mortal sight. Even in this extremity I reflected it was well that the last thing I looked on should be something so glorious. No, not quite the last thing, for out of the corners of my eyes I saw that Umslopogas, from a sitting position, had sunk onto his back and lay apparently dead, with his axe still gripped tightly and held above his head, as though his arm had been turned to ice. After this terrible things began to happen to me, and I became aware that I was dying, a great wind seemed to catch me up and blow me to and fro, as a leaf is blown in the eddys over Wintergale. Enormous rushes of darkness flowed over me to be succeeded by vivid bursts of brightness that dazzle light lightning. I fell off precipice, and at the foot of them was caught by some fearful strength and tossed to the very skies. From those skies I was hurled down again into a kind of whirlpool of inky night round which I spun perpetually, as it seemed for hours and hours. But worst of all was the awful loneliness from which I suffered. It seemed to me as though there were no other living thing in all the universe and never had been and never would be any other living thing. I felt as though I were the universe, rushing solitary through space for ages upon ages in a frantic search for fellowship and finding none. Then something seemed to grip my throat, and I knew that I had died for the world floated away from beneath me. Now fear and every mortal sensation left me to be replaced by a new and spiritual terror. I, or rather my disembodied consciousness, seemed to come up for judgment, and the horror out was that I appeared to be my own judge. There, a very embodiment of cold justice, my spirit, grown luminous, sat upon a throne and to it, with greed and merciless particularity, I set out all my misdeeds. It was as if some part of me remained mortal, for I could see my two eyes, my mouth and my hands, but nothing else. And strange enough they looked. From the eyes came tears, from the mouth flowed words, and the hands were joined as though in prayer to that throned and adamantine spirit which was me. It was as though this spirit were asking how my body had served its purposes, and advanced its mighty ends, and in reply, oh, what a miserable tale I had to tell. Fault upon fault, weakness upon weakness, sin upon sin, never before did I understand how black was my record. I tried to relieve the picture with some incidence of attempted good, but that spirit would not harken. It seemed to say that it had gathered up the good and knew it all. It was of the evil that it would learn, not of the good that had bettered it, but of the evil by which it had been harmed. Hearing this there rose up in my consciousness some memory of what Asha had said, namely that the body lived within the temple of the spirit which is oft defied and not the spirit in the body. The story was told and I harkened for the judgment, my own judgment on myself, which I knew would be accepted without question and registered for good or ill. But none came. Since ere the balance sank this way or that, ere it could be uttered, I was swept afarm. Through infinity I was swept and as I fled faster than the light, the meaning of what I had seen came home to me. I knew or seemed to know for the first time that at the last man must answer to himself or perhaps to a divine principle within himself that out of his own free will, through long eons and by a million steps he climbs or sinks to the heights or depth dormant in his nature. That from what he was springs what he is and what he is engenders what he shall be forever and I. Now I envisaged immortality and splendid and awful was its face. It clasped me to its breast and in the vast circle of its arms I was upborn. I who knew myself to be without beginning and without end and yet of the past and of the future knew nothing, save that these were full of mysteries. As I went I encountered others or overtook them making the same journey. Robertson sweat past me and spoke but in a tongue I could not understand. I noted that the madness had lift his eyes and that his fine-cut features were calm and spiritual. The other wonders I did not know. I came to a region of blinding light. The thought rose in me that I must have reached the sun or a sun, though I felt no heat. I stood in a lovely shining valley about which burned mountains of fire. There were huge trees in that valley but they glowed like gold and their flowers and fruit were as though they had been fashioned of many coloured flames. The place was glorious beyond compare but very strange to me and not to be described. I sat me down upon a boulder which burned like a ruby whether with heat or colour I do not know by the edge of a stream that flowed with what looked like fire and made a lovely music. I stooped down and drank of this water of flames and the scent and the taste of it were as those of the costliest wine. There beneath the spreading limbs of a fire tree I sat and examined the strange flowers that grew around coloured like rich jewels and perfumed above imagining. There were birds also which might have been feathered sapphires, rubies and amethysts and their song was so sweet that I could have wept to hear it. The scene was wonderful and filled me with exultation for I thought of the land where it is promised that there shall be no more night. People began to appear men, women and even children though once they came I could not see. They did not fly and they did not walk and seemed to drift towards me as unguided boats drift upon the tide. One and all they were very beautiful but their beauty was not human although their shapes and faces resembled those of men and women made glorious. None were old and except the children none seemed very young. It was as though they had grown backwards or forwards to middle life which did there at their very best. Now came the marvel. All these uncounted people were known to me though so far as my knowledge went I had never set eyes on most of them before. Yet I was aware that in some forgotten life or epoch I had been intimate with every one of them also that it was the fact of my presence and the call of my subconscious mind that led them to this spot. Yet that presence and that call were not visible or audible to them who I suppose flowed down some stream of sympathy. Why of whither they did not know? Had I been as they were perhaps they would have seen me as it was they saw nothing and I could not speak and tell them of my presence. Some of this multitude however knew well enough even when they had departed years and years ago. But about these I noted this that every one of them was a man or a woman or a child for whom I had felt love or sympathy or friendship. Not one was a person whom I had disliked or whom I had no wish to see again. If they spoke at all I could not hear or read their speech. Yet to a certain extent I could hear their thoughts. Many of these were beyond the power of my appreciation on subjects which I had no knowledge or that were too high for me. But some were of quite simple things such as concern us upon the earth such as a friendship or learning or journeys made or to be made or art or literature or the wonders of nature or the fruits of the earth as they knew them in this region. This I noted too that each separate thought seemed to be hallowed and enclosed in an atmosphere of prayer or heavenly aspiration as a seed is enclosed in the heart of a flower or a fruit in its odorous rind and that this prayer or aspiration presently appeared to bear the thought away that there I knew not. Moreover, all these thoughts even to the humblest things were buttress and spiritual. Nothing cruel or impure or even coarse was to be found among them. They radiated charity, purity and goodness. Among them I perceived were none that had to do with our earth. This and its affairs seemed to be left far behind these thinkers. A truth that chilled my soul was alien to their company. Worse still so far as I could discover although I knew that all these bright ones had been near to me at some hour in the measurements of time and space. Not one of their musings dwelt upon me or an ought with which I had to do. Between me and them there was a great gulf fixed and a high wall built. Oh, look! One came shining like a star and from far away came another with dove-like eyes and beautiful exceedingly. And with this lost a maiden whose eyes were hers whom my own heart told me was her mother. Well, I knew them both. They were those whom I had come to seek, the women who had been mined upon the earth and at the sight of them my spirit thrilled. Surely they would discover me. Surely at least they would speak of me and feel my presence. But although they stayed within a pace or two of where I rested, alas it was not so. They seemed to kiss and to exchange swift thoughts about many things, high things of which I will not write, common things, yes, even of the shining robes they wore, but never a one of me. I strove to rise and go to them, but could not. I strove to speak and could not. I strove to throw out my thoughts to them and could not. It fell back upon my head like a stone hurled heavenward. They were remote from me, utterly apart. There were tears of bitterness that I should be so near and yet so far. A dull and jealous rage burned in my heart and this they did seem to feel. Or so I fancied at any rate. Apparently by mutual consent they moved further from me as though something pained them. Yes, my love could not reach their perfected natures, but my anger hurt them. As I sat chewing this root of bitterness a man appeared, a very noble man in whom I recognized my father grown younger and happier looking, but still my father with whom came others, men and women whom I knew to be my brothers and sisters who had died in youth far away in Oxfordshire. Joy leapt up in me for I thought these will surely know me and give me welcome since though hair sex has lost its power blood must still call to blood. But it was not so. They spoke or interchanged their thoughts, but not one of me. I read something that passed from my father to them. It was a speculation as to what had brought them all together there and read also the answer that perhaps it might be to give welcome to some unknown was drawing near from below and would feel lonely and unfriended. Thereon my father replied that he did not see or feel this wanderer and thought that it could not be so since it was his mission to greet such on their coming. Then in an instant all were gone and that lovely glowing plain was empty save for myself seated on the ruby like stone weeping tears of blood and shame and loss within my soul. So I sat a long while till presently I was aware of a new presence a presence dusky and splendid and arid in rich barbaric robes straight she came towards me like a throne spear and I knew her for a certain royal and savage woman who on earth was named Mamina or wind that wailed. Moreover she divined me though see me she could not. Art there watched her in the night watching in the light she said or thought I know not which but the words came to me in the Sulutang. Aye she went on I know that thou art there from ten thousand leagues away I felt thy presence and broke from my own place to welcome thee though I must pay for it with burning chains and bondage. How did those welcome thee whom thou camest out to seek? Did they clasp thee in their arms and press their kisses on thy brow? Or did they shrink away from thee because the smell of earth was on thy hands and lips? I seemed to answer and not appear to know that I was there. Aye they did not know because their love is not enough because they have grown too fine for love but aye the sinner I knew well and here am I ready to suffer all for thee and to give thee place with this stormy heart of mine forget them then and come to rule with me who still am queen in my own house that thou shalt share. There we will live royally and when our hour comes at least we shall have had our day. Now before I could reply some power seemed to cease the splendid creature and whirl her thence so that she departed flashing these words from her mind to mine for a little while far well but remember always that Mamina the wailing wind being still a sinful woman in a woman's love and on the earth earthy found thee whom all the rest forgot. O watcher in the night watch in the night for me for there thou shalt find me the child of storm again and yet again. She was gone and once more I sat in utter solitude upon that ruby stone staring at the jeweled flowers and the glorious flaming trees and the lambent waters of the brook. What was the meaning of it all I wondered and why was I deserted by everyone save a single savage woman and why had she a power to find me which was denied to all the rest? Well, she had given me an answer because she was as a sinful woman a woman's love and of the earth earthy while with the rest it was otherwise. O this was clear that in the heavens man has no friend among the heavenly save perhaps the greatest friend of all who understands both flesh and spirit. Thus I am used in this burning world which was still so beautiful this alien world into which I had thrust myself unwanted and unsought. And while I am used this happen the fiery waters of the stream were disturbed by something and looking up I saw the cause. A dog had plunged into them and was swimming towards me. At a glance I knew that dog on which my eyes had not fallen for decades. It was a mongrel half spaniel and half bull terrier which for years had been the dear friend of my youth and died at last on the horse of a wounded wild beastie that attacked me when I had fallen from my horse upon the veld. Boldly it tackled the maddened buck thus giving me time to scramble to my rifle and shoot it but not before the poor hound had yielded its life for mine. Since presently it died disemboweled but licking my hand and forgetful of its agonies. This dog smut by name it was that swam or seemed to swim the brook of fire. It scrambled to the hither shore it nosed the earth and ran to the ruby stone and started about it whining and sniffing. At last it seemed to see or feel me for it stood upon its hind legs and licked my face helping with mad joy as I could see though I heard nothing. Now I wept in earnest and bent down to hug and kiss the faithful beast but this I could not do since like myself it was only shadow. Then suddenly all dissolved in a cataract of many coloured flames and I fell down into an infinite gulf of blackness. Surely Asha was talking to me. What did she say? What did she say? I could not catch her words but I caught her laughter and knew that out of her fashion she was making a mockery. My eyelids were dragged down as though with heavy sleep it was difficult to lift them. At last they were opened and I saw Asha seated on her couch before me and this I noted at once with her lovely face unveiled. I looked about me seeking umsloporas and hans but they were gone as I guessed they must be since otherwise Asha would not have been unveiled. We were quite alone. She was addressing me and in a new fashion since now she had abandoned the formal you and was using the more impressive and intimate thou much as is the manner of the French. Thou hast made thy journey, Alan, she said and what thou hast seen there thou shall tell me presently. Yet from thy mean I gathered this that thou art glad to look upon flesh and blood again and after the company of spirits to find that of mortal woman come then and sit beside me and tell thy tale. Where are the others? I asked as I rose slowly to bay for my head swam and my feet seemed feeble. Gone, Alan, who as I think have had enough ghosts which is perhaps thy case also. Come, drink this and be a man once more. Drink it to me whose skill and power have brought thee safe from lands that human feet were never meant to tread and taking a strange shaped cup from a stool that stood beside her, she offered it to me. I drank to the last drop, neither knowing nor caring whether it were wine or poison since my heart seemed desperate at its failure and my spirit crushed beneath the weight of its great betrayal. I suppose it was the former for the contents of that cup ran through my veins like fire and gave me back my courage and the joy of life. I stepped the days and sat me down upon the couch leaning against its rounded end so that I was almost face to face with Asha who had turned towards me and thence could study her unveiled loveliness. For a while she said nothing only eyed me up and down and smiled and smiled as though she were waiting for that wine to do its work with me. Now that thou art a man again, Alan, tell me what thou didst see when thou wast more or less than man. So I told her all for some power within her seemed to draw the truth out of me nor did the tale appear to cause her much surprise. There is truth in thy dream she said when I had finished a lesson also. Then it was all a dream I interrupted. It's not everything a dream even life itself, Alan. If so, what can this be that thou has seen but a dream within a dream and itself containing other dreams as in the old days the ball fashioned by the eastern workers of ivory would oft be found to contain another ball and this yet another and another and another till at the inn most might be found a bead of gold or perhaps a jewel which was the price of him who could draw out ball from ball and leave them all unbroken. That search was difficult and rarely was the jewel come by if at all so that some said there was none save in the maker's mind. Yes, I have seen a man go craced with seeking and die with a mystery unsolved. How much harder then is it to come at the diamond of truth which lies in the core of all our nest of dreams and without which to rest upon they could not be fashioned to seem realities. But was it really a dream and if so what were the truth and the lesson I asked determined not to allow her to be muse or escape me with her metaphysical talk and illustrations. The first question has been answered Alan as well as I can answer who am not the architect of this great globe of dreams and as yet cannot clearly see the ineffable gem within whose prison rays illuminate their substance though so dimly that only those with the insight of a god can catch their glamour in the night of thought since to most they are darkest glow flies in the glare of noon. Then what are the truth and the lesson I persisted perceiving that it was hopeless to strike from her an opinion as to the real nature of my experiences and that I must content myself with her deductions from them. Thou tellst me Alan that in thy dream or vision thou did seem to appear before thyself seated on a throne and in that self to find thy judge. That is the truth whereof I spoke though how it found its way through the black and ignorant shell of one whose wit is so small is more than I can guess since I believed that it was revealed to me alone. Now I, Alan, thought to myself that I began to see the origin of all these fantasies and that for once Asha had made a slip. If she had a theory and I developed that same theory in a hypnotic condition it was not difficult to guess its found. However I kept my mouth shut and luckily for once she did not seem to read my mind perhaps because she was too much occupied in spinning her smooth web of entangling words. All men worshipped their own God she went on and yet seemed not to know that this God dwells within them and that of him they are apart. There he dwells and there they mould him to their own fashion as the potter moulds his clay though whatever the shape he seems to take beneath their fingers still he remains the God infinite and unalterable. Still he is the seeker and the sort the prayer and its fulfilment the love and the hate the virtue and the vice. Since all these qualities the alchemy of his spirit turns into an ultimate and eternal good for the God is in all things and all things are in the God whom men clothe with such diverse garments and whose countenance they hide beneath so many masks. In the tree flows the sap yet what knows the great tree it nurtures of the sap in the world's womb burns the fire that gives life yet what of the fire knows the glorious earth it conceived and will destroy. In the heavens the great lobes swings through space and rest not yet what know they of the strength that sent them spinning and in a time to come will stay their mighty motions or turn them to another course. Therefore of everything this all present God is judge or rather not one but many judges since of each living creature makes its own magistrate to deal out justice according to that creature's law which in the beginning the God established for it and decreed. Thus in the breast of everyone there is a rule and by that rule at work through a countless chain of lives in the end he shall be lifted up to heaven or bound about and cast down to hell and death. You mean conscience? I suggest you draw the feebly for her thoughts and images overpowered me. I a-conscience if thou wilt and canst only understand that term though it fits my theme but ill. This is my meaning that conscience as thou names them are many I have one, thou Alan has another that black axe bearer has a third the little yellow man a fourth and so on through the tale of living things for even a dog such as thou sourced has a conscience and like thyself or I must in the end be its own judge because of the spark that comes to it from above the same spark which in me burns a great fire and in thee as a small ring ember of greenwood when you sit in judgment on yourself in a day to come I could not help interpolating I trust that you will remember that humility did not shine among your virtues she smiled in her vivid way only twice or thrice did I see her smile thus and then it was like a flash of summer lightning illumining a clouded sky since for the most part her face was grave and even somber well answered she said go the patient ox enough and even it will grow fierce and pour the ground humility what have I to do with it oh Alan let humility be part of the humble soul and lowly but for those who reign as I do and they are few indeed let there be pride and the glory they have earned now I have told thee of the truth thou sourced in thy vision and wouldst thou hear the lesson yes I answered since I may as well be done with at once and doubtless it will be good for me the lesson Alan is one which thou preachest humility vain man and foolish as thou art thou didst desire to travel the underworld in search of certain ones who once were all in all to thee nay not all in all since of them there were two or more but at least much thus thou wouldst do because as thou saddest thou didst seek to know whether they still lived on beyond the gates of blackness yes thou saddest this but what thou didst hope to learn in truth was whether they lived on in thee and for thee only for thou, thou in thy vanity didst picture these departed souls as doing not in that heaven they had won save think of thee still burrowing on the earth and at times lightning thy labours with kisses from other lips than theirs never I exclaimed indignantly never it is not true then I pray pardon Alan who only judged of thee by others that were as men are made and being such not to be blamed if perhaps from time to time they turn to look on women who alas were as they are made so at least it was when I knew the world but may have since then its richest wine has turned to water whereby I hope it has been bettered at the least this was thy thought that those women who had been thine for an hour through all eternity could dream of not else save thy perfections and hope for not else then to see thee at their sides through that eternity or such part of thee as thou could spare to each of them for thou didst forget that where they have gone there may be others even more peerless than thou art and more fit to hold a woman's love which as we know on earth was ever changeful and perhaps may so remain where it is certain that new lights must shine and new desires beckon dost understand me Alan I think so I answered with a groan I understand you to mean that worldly impressions soon we're out and that people who have departed to other swears may therefore new ties and forget the old yes Alan as do those who remain upon this earth whence these others have departed do men and women still remarry in the world Alan as in my day they were want to do of course it is allowed as many other things or perhaps this same thing may be allowed elsewhere for when there are so many habitations from which to choose why should we always dwell in one of them however straight the house or poor the prospect now understanding that I was symbolized by the straight house and the poor prospect I should have grown angry had not a certain sense of humor come to my rescue who remembered that after all Asha's satire was profoundly true why beyond the earth should anyone desire to remain unalterably tied to and inextricably wrapped up in such a personality as my own especially if others of superior texture abounded about them now that I came to think of it the thing was absurd and not to be the least expected in the midst of a thousand new and vivid interests I had met with one more disillusionment that was all dust understand Alan went on Asha who evidently was determined that I should drink this cup to the last drop that these dwellers in the sun or the far planet where thou has been according to thy tale saw thee not a new knot of thee it may chance therefore that at this time thou was not in their minds which at others dream of thee continually or it may chance that they never dream of thee at all having quite forgotten thee as the weaned cub forgets its mother at last there was one who seemed to remember I exclaimed for her poison mocking stung the words out to me one woman and a dog I, the savage who being nature's child a sinner that departed hence by her own act how Asha knew this I cannot say I never told her that's not yet put on perfection and therefore still remembers him whose kiss was lost upon her lips but surely Alan it is not thy desire to pass from the gentle ordered clasping of those white souls for the tumultuous arms of such a one as this still let that be for who knows what men will or will not do in jealousy and disappointed love and the dog it remembered also and even sought thee out these dogs are more faithful and single hearted than its mankind there at least thou hast thy lesson namely to grow more humble and never to think again that thou holdest all a woman's soul for a because once she was kind to thee for a little while on earth yes I answer jumping up in a rage as you say I have my lesson and more of it than I want so by your leave I will now bid you farewell hoping that when it comes to be your turn to learn this lesson or worse Asha as I am sure it will one day for something tells me so you may enjoy it more than I have done End of Chapter 21 of She and Alan by H. Ryder Haggard Read by Lars Rolander Chapter 22 of She and Alan This is a LibriVox recording or LibriVox recordings are in the public domain For more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org Reading by Lars Rolander She and Alan by H. Ryder Haggard Chapter 22 Asha's Farewell Thus I spoke, whose nerves were on edge after all I had seen or as even then I suspected seem to see for how could I believe that these visions of mine had any higher origin than Asha's rather malicious imagination Already I had formed my theory It was that she must be a hypnotist of power Who after she had put a spell upon her subject could project into his mind such fancies as she chose together with a selection of her own theories Only two points remained obscure The first was how did she get the necessary information about the private affairs of a humble individual like myself For these were not known even to Sikali with whom she seemed to be in some kind of correspondence or to Hans at any rate in such completeness I could but presume that in some mysterious way she drew them from or rather excited them in my own mind and memory so that I seemed to see those with whom once I had been intimate with modifications and in surroundings that her intelligence had carefully prepared It would not be difficult for a mind like hers familiar as I gathered it was with the ancient lore of the Greeks and the Egyptians to create a kind of hardest and by way of difference to change it from one of shadow to one of intense illumination and into it to plunge the consciousness of him upon whom she had laid her charm of sleep I had seen nothing and heard nothing that she might not thus have moulded always given that she had access to the needful clay of facts which I alone could furnish Granting this hypothesis the second point was what might be the object of her elaborate and most bitter jest Well, I thought that I could guess First she wished to show her power or rather to make him believe that she had power of a very unusual sort Secondly, she owed Omslopogas and myself a debt for our services in the war with Reiser which we had been told would be repaid in this way Thirdly, I had offended her in some fashion and she took her opportunity of settling the score Also, there was a fourth possibility that really she considered herself a moral instructor and decided, as she said, to teach me a lesson by showing how futile were human hopes and vanities in respect to the departed and their affections Now, I do not pretend that all this analysis of Asha's motives occurred to me at the moment of my interview with her Indeed, I only completed it later after much careful thought when I found it sound and good At that time, although I had inklings I was too bewildered to form a just judgment Further, I was too angry and it was from this bow of my anger that I loosed a shaft at a venture to some lesson which awaited her Perhaps certain words spoken by the dying Reiser had shaped that shaft or perhaps some shadow of her advancing fate fell upon me The success of the shot, however, was remarkable Evidently, it pierced the joints of her harness and indeed went home to Asha's heart She turned pale All the peach blossom use faded from her lovely face Her great eyes seemed to lessen and grow dull and her cheeks to fall in Indeed, for a moment she looked old very old, quite an aged woman Moreover, she wept for I saw two big tears drop upon her white raiment and I was horrified What has happened to you, I said, or rather gasped Not, she answered, save that thou hast heard me soar Does thou not know, Alan, that it is cruel to prophecy ill to any since such words feathered from fate's own wing and barbed with venom fester in the breast I have bring about their own accomplishment Most cruel of all is it when with them are repaid friendship and gentleness I reflected to myself, yes, friendship of the order that is called candid and gentleness such as is hid in a cat's velvet paw but contended myself with asking how it was that she who said she was so powerful could not fear anything at all Because, as I have told thee, Alan, there is no armour that can turn the spear of destiny which, when I heard those words of thine it seemed to me, I know not why was directed by thy hand Look now on Risu who thought himself unconquerable and yet was slain by the black axe-bearer and whose bones tonight stay the famine of the jackals Moreover, I am accursed who sought to steal its servant from heaven to be my love and how, know I when and where vengeance will fall at last Indeed, it has fallen already on me who, through the long ages amid savages must mourn widowed and alone but not all of it Oh, I think not all Then she began to weep in good earnest and watching her for the first time I understood that this glorious creature who seemed to be so powerful was after all one of the most miserable of women and as much a prey to loneliness every sort of passion and apprehensive fear as can be any common mortal If, as she said, she had found the secret of life which of course I did not believe at least it was obvious that she had lost that of happiness She sobbed softly and wept and while she did so the loveliness which had left her for a little while returned to her like light to a grey and darkened sky Oh, how beautiful she seemed with the abundant locks in disorder over her tear-stained face How beautiful beyond imagining my heart melted as I studied her I could think of nothing else except her surpassing charm and glory I pray you do not weep, I said It hurts me and indeed I am sorry if I said anything to give you pain but she only shook that glorious hair further about her face and behind its veil wept on You know, Arsha, I continued You have said many hard things to me making me the target of your bitter wit therefore it is not strange that at last I answered you and hast thou not to serve them, Alan? She murmured in soft and broken tones from behind that veil of scented locks Why, I asked Of course from the beginning thou didst defy me showing in thine every action that thou heldest me a liar and one of no account in body or in spirit one not worthy of thy kind look or of those gentle words which once were my portion among men Oh, thou hast dealt hardly with me and therefore perhaps I know not I paid thee back with such poor weapons as a woman holds though all the while I liked thee well Then again she fell to sobbing swaying herself gently to and fro in her sweet sorrow It was too much Not knowing what else to do to comfort her I patted her ivory hand which lay upon the couch beside me and as this appeared to have no effect I kissed it which she did not seem to resent Then suddenly I remembered and let it fall She tossed back her hair from her face and fixing her big eyes on me said gently enough, looking down at her hand What ails thee, Aylan? Oh, nothing, I answered Only I remembered the story you told me about some man called Callicratus She frowned And what of Callicratus, Aylan? Is it not enough that for my sins with tears, empty longings and repentance I must wait for him through all the weary centuries Must I also wear the chains of this Callicratus to whom I owe many a debt when he is far away? Say, didst thou see him in that heaven of thine, Aylan? For there perhaps he dwells I shook my head and tried to think the thing out while all the time those wonderful eyes of her seemed to draw the soul from me It seemed to me that she bent forward and held up her face to me Then I lost my reason and also bent forward Yes, she made me mad and save her I forgot all Swiftly she placed her hand upon my heart saying Stay, what means thou? Does love me, Aylan? I think so, that is yes, I answered She sank back upon the couch away from me and began to laugh very softly What words are these, she said that they pass thy lips so easily and so unment perhaps from long practice Oh, Aylan, I am astonished art thou the same man who some few days ago told me and this unasked that as soon wouldst thou think of courting the moon as of courting me art thou he who not a minute gone swore proudly that never had his heart and his lips wandered from certain angels whether they should not and now, and now I coloured to my eyes and rose muttering Let me be gone Nay, Aylan, why? I see no mark here and she held up her hand scanning it carefully Thou are too much, what thou word before except perhaps in thy soul which is invisible she added with a touch of malice nor am I angry with thee Indeed, hathst thou not tried to charm away my vow I should have thought but poorly of thee as a man There, let it rest and be forgotten or remembered as thou wilt Still, in answer thy words concerning my calicratus what of those adored ones that, according to thy tale but now thou didst find again in a place of light because they seemed faithless shouldst thou be faithless also Shame on thee, thou fickle, Aylan She paused waiting for me to speak Well, I could not I had nothing to say who was utterly disgraced and overwhelmed Thou thinkst, Aylan, she went on that I have cast my net about thee and this is true learn wisdom from it, Aylan and never again defy a woman that is if she be fair for then she is stronger than thou art since nature for its own purpose made her so Whatever I have done by tears that ancient artifice of my sex as in other ways is for thy instruction, Aylan that thou mayst benefit thereby Again I sprang up uttering an English exclamation which I trust as I did not understand and again she motioned to me to be seated saying Nay, leave me not yet since even if the light fancy of a man that comes and goes like the evening wind and for a breath made my dear to thee has passed away there remains certain work which we must do together although thinking to thyself alone thou hast forgotten it having been paid thine own fee one is yet due to that old wizard in a far land who sent thee to visit Kor and me as indeed he has reminded me and within an hour this amazing statement aroused me from my personal and painful preoccupation and caused me to stare at her blankly again thou disbelieved me she said with a little stamp do so once more, Aylan and I swear I'll bring thee to gravel on the ground and kiss my foot and babble nonsense to a woman sworn to another man such as never for all thy days thou shall think of without a blush of shame Oh, no! I broke in hurriedly I assure you that you are mistaken I believe every word you have said or say or will say I do in truth now thou liest well, what is one more falsehood among so many let it pass what indeed I echoed in eager affirmation and as for Sikhalis' message and I paused it was to recall to my mind I decide to learn whether a certain great enterprise of his will succeed the details of which he says thou can't tell me repeat them to me so glad enough to get away from more dangerous topics I narrated to her as briefly and clearly as I could the history of the old which doctors fought with the royal house of Sululand she listened taking in every word and said so now he turns to know whether he will conquer or be conquered and that is why he sent or thinks that he sent thee on this journey not for thy sake, Alan, but for his own I cannot tell thee for what have I to do with the finish of this petty business which to him seems so large still as I owe him a debt for luring the taxpayer here to rid me of my enemy and thee to lighten my solitude for an hour by the burnishing of thy mind I will try set that bowl before me, Alan and she pointed to a marble tree pod on which stood the basin half full of water and come sit close by me and look into it telling me what thou ceased I obeyed her instructions and presently found myself with my head over the basin staring into the water in the exact attitude of a person who is about to be shampooed this seems rather foolish I said abjectly for that moment I resummeled the Queen of Sheba in one particular if in no other namely that there was no more spirit in me what am I supposed to do? I see nothing at all look again, she said and as she spoke the water grew clouded then on it appeared a picture I saw the interior of a kaffir hut dimly lighted by a single candle set in the neck of a bottle left of the door of the hut was a bedstead and on it lay stretched a wasted and dying man in whom to my astonishment I recognized Setivio, King of the Sulos at the foot of the bed stood another man myself grown older by many years and leaning over the bed apparently whispering into the dying man's ear was a grotesque and malevolent figure which I knew to be that of Sicali opener of Rhodes whose glowing eyes were fixed upon the terrified and tortured face of Setivio all was as it happened afterwards as I have written down in the book called Finished I described what I saw to Asha and while I was doing so the picture vanished away so that nothing remained save the clear water in the marble bowl the story did not seem to interest her indeed she leaned back and yawned a little thy vision is good, Alan she said indifferently and wide also since thou canst see what passes in the sun or distant stars and pictures of things to be in the water to say nothing of other pictures in a woman's eyes all within an hour well this savage business concerns me not and of it I want to know no more yet it would appear that here the old wizard who is thy friend has the answer that he desires for there in the picture the king he hates lies dying while he hisses in his ear and thou dost watch the end what more can he seek tell him it when ye meet and tell him also it is my will that in future he should trouble me less since I love not to be wakened from my sleep to listen to his half instructed talk and savage way brings indeed he presumes too much and now enough of him and his dark plots ye have your desires all of you and are paid in full overpaid perhaps I said with a sigh ah Alan I think that lesson thou hast learned please is thee but little well be comforted for the thing is common has never heard that there is but one morsel more bitter to the taste than desire denied namely desire fulfilled believe me that there can be no happiness for man until he attains a land where all desire is dead that is what the Buddha preaches asha I remember the doctrines of that wise man well who without doubt had found a key to the gate of truth one key only for mark thou Alan there are many man being man must no desires since without them robbed of ambitions, strivings, hopes, fears I end of life itself the race must die it's not the will of the lord of life who needs a nursery for his servant's souls where in his swords of good and ill shall shape them to his pattern so it comes about Alan that what we think the worst is of best for us and with that knowledge if we are wise let us assuage our bitterness and wipe away our tears I have often thought that I said I doubt it not Alan since though it has pleased me to make a gesture of thee I know that thou has thy share of wisdom such little share as thou canst gather in thy few short years I know too that thy heart is good and aspires high and friend well I find in thee a friend indeed as I think not for the first time nor certainly for the last mark Alan what I say not a lover but a friend which is higher far for when passion dies with the passing of the flesh if there be no friendship what will remain save certain memories that may have a well forgot eh how would those lovers meet elsewhere who were never more than lovers with weariness I hold as they stared into each other's empty soul or even with disgust therefore the wise will seek to turn those with whom fate mates them into friends since otherwise soon they will be lost for a more if they are wiser still having made them friends they will suffer them to find lovers where they will good maxims are they not yet hard to follow or so perhance thou thinks them as I do she grew silent and broaded a while resting her chin upon her hand and staring down the hall thus the aspect of her face was different from many that I had seen it where no longer had it the allure of Aphrodite or the majesty of Hera rather might it have been that of Athena herself so wise it seemed so calm so full of experience and of foresight that almost it frightened me what was this woman's true story I wondered what her real self and what the sum of her gathered knowledge perhaps it was accident or perhaps again she guessed my mind at any rate her next words seemed in some sense an answer to these speculations lifting her eyes she contemplated me a while then said my friend we part to meet no more in thy life's day often thou wilt wonder concerning me as to what in truth I am and may have in the end thy judgment will be to write me down some false and buttress wonderer who rejected of the world or driven from it by her crimes made choice to rule among savages playing the part of Oracle to that little audience and telling strange tales to such few travelers as come her way perhaps indeed I do play this part among many others and if so thou wilt not judge me wrongly Alan in the old days mariners who had sailed the northern seas told me that there in amidst mist and storm float mountains of ice shed from dizzy cliffs which are hid in darkness where no sun shines they told me also that whereas above the ocean's breast appears but a blue and dazzling point sunk beneath it is of the whole frozen isle invisible to man such am I Alan of my being thou ceased but one little peak glittering in light or crowned with storm as heaven's moods sweep over it but in the depth beneath are hid its white and broad foundations hollowed by the seas of time to caverns and to palaces which my spirit doth inhabit so picture me therefore as wise and fair but with a soul unknown and pray that in time to come thou mayst see it in its splendor hadst thou been other than thou art I might have shown these secrets making clear to thee the parable or much that I have told thee in metaphor and varying fable I and given the great gifts of power and enduring days of which thou knowst nothing but of those who visit shrines oh Alan two things are required worship and faith since without these the oracles are dumb and the healing waters will not flow now I Asha am a shrine yet to me thou broughtest no worship until I won it by a woman's trick and in me thou hast no faith therefore for thee the oracle will not speak and the waters of deliverance will not flow yet I blame thee not who art as thou wasst made and the hard world has shaped thee and so we part think not I am far from thee because thou seeest me not in the days to come since like that Isis whose majesty alone I still exercise on earth I who men name Asha am in all things I tell thee that I am not one but many and being many am both here and everywhere when thou standest beneath the sky at night and lookest on the stars remember that in them mine eyes behold thee when the soft winds of evening blow that my breath is on thy brow and when the thunder rolls that there am I riding on the lightnings and rushing with the gale do you mean that you are the goddess Isis I ask bewildered because if so why did you tell me that you were but her priestess have it as thou wilt Alan all sounds do not reach thine ears all sights are not open to thy eyes and therefore thou art half deaf and blind perhaps now that her shrines are dust and her worship is forgot some spark of the spirit of that immortal lady whose chariot was the moon lingers on the earth in this woman's shape of mine though her essence dwells afar and perhaps her other name is nature my mother and thine O Alan at the least hath not the world a soul and of that soul am I not may have a part ay and thou also for the rest are not the priest and the divine he bows to of the same it was on my lips to answer yes if the priest is a nave or a self-deceiver but I did not farewell Alan and let Arsha's benison go with thee safe shall thou reach thy home for all is prepared to take thee hence and thy companions with thee safe shall thou live for many a year till thy time comes and then perhaps thou wilt find those whom thou hast lost more kind than they seem to be tonight she paused a while then added harken unto my last word as I have said much that I have told thee may bear a double meaning as is the way of parables to be interpreted as thou wilt yet one thing is true I love a certain man in the old days named Calicratus to whom alone I am appointed by a divine decree and I await him here oh, shouldst thou find him in the world without tell him that Arsha awaits him and grows weary in the waiting nay, thou wilt never find him since even if he be born again by what token would he be known to thee therefore I charge thee keep my secrets well lest Arsha's curse should fall on thee while thou lives tell not of me to the world thou knows'd does thou swear to keep my secrets Alan I swear Arsha I thank thee Alan she answered and grew silent for a while at length Arsha rose and drawing herself up to the full over height stood there majestic next she beckoned to me to come near for I too had risen and left the days I obeyed and bending down she held her hands over me as though in blessing then pointed towards the curtains which at this moment were drawn asunder by whom I do not know I went and when I reached them turned to look my last on her there she stood as I had left her but now her eyes were fixed upon the ground and her face once more was brooding absently as though no such a man as I had ever been it came into my mind that already she had forgotten me the plaything of an hour who had served her turn and been cast aside end of chapter 22 of she and Alan by H. Ryder Haggard read by Lorsch Rolander