 So you thought you got rid of me after yesterday's botched video The last 20 minutes of the video were cut off. The sound was unsynchronized with the image In short, it was an apt metaphor for my biography And so I console myself in Minnie's company the only woman I will never ever Discard or devalue of course as long as she serves my needs and gives me coffee Which leads me to today's topic today's topic is why do narcissists love borderlines and why do borderlines hate them back? Now this is a complex subject because it involves again the issue of modification and The narcissist need from time to time to take a vacation from his false self I've dealt with it I've dealt with these issues in the previous videos So bear with me because I am now responding actually to many of your questions Let's start with one one comment that I had received and someone asked what's the difference between narcissistic injury and narcissistic modification? That's pretty that's actually a pretty easy one Narcissistic injury is the challenge to the narcissist's grandiosity Modification is a challenge to the entirety of the false self The whole false self is threatened. It crumbles. It's unable to maintain defenses and pretensions The grandiosity is so massively undermined That everything falls apart the very foundation of the false self So the piece of fiction because the false self is like a script or like a movie like a piece of fiction The picks of piece of fiction confronted with harsh reality counter countervailing information Aggression by by others hatred criticism and so on so forth cannot withstand the attack and Cannot integrate the material fast enough cannot reframe it fast enough So as to support the grandiosity and the whole edifice crumbles and this is a process we call Decompensation compensation is when when all defense mechanisms are disabled simultaneously and the narcissist acts out in a way that I will describe a bit later Another question I received what's the difference between internal modification and being a doormat? Yes, I'm serious because internal modification is when The narcissist takes all this responsibility on himself. He has auto plastic Defenses he says it's it's all be it's all my fault. I misbehave or I made it happen Or I'm guilty and I'm ashamed and I want to repent. I have remorse and so on so forth This does happen with narcissists. It's a common myth that narcissists don't go through these stages even psychopaths do but Whereas a normal or a healthy person would feel guilty and ashamed because of what they had done to others the Narcissist feels guilty and ashamed Because of the impact that his own actions had on him and on his false self In other words, the narcissist would feel guilty and ashamed not because of the hurt and pain and damage He caused other people but because they had succeeded in Leveraging this negative energy that he had given them to modify him So for example the psychopath would be would be modified If he's caught red-handed in flagrante doing something wrong But not because he's doing something wrong, but because he had been caught Same with the narcissist narcissists will say I'm guilty. I misbehaved. I shouldn't have done it and some but what he means to say I Shouldn't have led to a situation where I had been modified Let's regress a bit and and Before we discuss the issue of borderlines and narcissists and the intricate and tortured Relationship between them. Let's regress a bit to tackle this issue of dormant or internal modification By reminding you what Libby What Libby had said Libby in 2006 Libby BBE why 2006 made a presentation based on Lansky's Lansky's work in in 2000, but she's she said that Narcissistic modification is a systemic challenge The whole narcissist collapses. This is not such thing as a narcissist. It's empty there. There's nobody home It's a whole of mirrors. I kept keep saying reminding you Because people relate to the narcissists as though it's an entity a person It's not a person It's a facade. It's a mirage. It's a kaleidoscope. It's a phantasm But everything depends on slate of hands everything depends on pretending on colluding in the narcissist Delusion of fantasy if you challenge it if you undermine it and so on narcissists vanishes Poof into thin air and he experiences his own vanishing It's excruciating. It's debilitating and it's life threatening So Libby suggested that the need to reframe narcissistic modification is because it threatens the integrity of the self there's a sudden awareness By the narcissist of his limitations of his defects that he is not perfect that he's not brilliant that he's not loved Universally loved that he's not admired that he is not Omnipotent or powerful that even is not omniscient or knowing he suddenly realizes that he's Pretty miserable and you know freak It's difficult to accept for a normal person let alone a narcissist and when they are faced narcissists are faced with their own hopeless hopeless unloved ability badness worthlessness Smallness in a way not being special even it modifies them it creates shock Exposure the narcissist feels exposed. He feels skinless Borderlines describe the same borderlines have an inner emptiness But the narcissist is protected by the false self That is his external skin is exoskeleton and when it vanishes he becomes essentially a borderline The Rothschild Rothschild who was a scholar of borderline personality disorder this can't describe borderlines as failed narcissists So when the narcissist loses this protection loses his skin He becomes as vulnerable as labile is dysregulated as Discombobulated as any borderline he becomes a borderline the shock the exposure the intense humiliation Sometimes he even develops somatic symptoms conversion symptoms. I don't heartbeat diseases it feels like being annihilated Like disintegrating like the least famous painting galatea where the back of her head becomes dissipated molecules you evaporate and Of course the Nazis has to cope with it somehow It's if he doesn't cope with it it could and is life-threatening this trauma is Irrecoverable and so he has to cope with it and Libby says that he uses two strategies to restore Some cohesiveness to the self She says they're deflated and inflated narcissists what she calls deflated narcissists What they do they debase themselves they humiliate they further humiliate themselves. They assume the role of the bad guy and At the same time they inflate or idealize The aggressing person the court the person who caused them the the wound the injury So when there's an external modification where another person Causes the narcissists to disintegrate attacks the narcissists humiliates the narcissists publicly shames the narcissists this graces challenges Aggresses against the narcissists in the deflated solution the narcissists idealizes that person that aggressor and Inflates that person. He says she was okay. She's good. She's good at heart. She didn't mean it. She she was caught up She didn't know what she was doing. She was drunk She makes excuses for and in the process he idealizes her and inflates her. I'm saying her of course could be him and The reason he does this Is to reacquire her as an internal object remember narcissists do not interact with real-life people They interact with inner representations with snapshot Snapshots of real-life people so he needs to reacquire that object to re internalize the object The object the aggressing person the aggressing object the person who caused the narcissists such enormous enormous devastation Nuclear weapon detonated a nuclear weapon inside them the whole of mirrors That person is a source of pain and agony and anxiety and depression as she is right now So the Nazis needs to transform her to convert her in a way that the pain and the agony go away He needs to idealize her to inflate her to paint her with a different brush to relate to her differently And so for example, he could try to atone for what he did we hear what he had done or what he thinks he had done He tries to aggrandize the other person. He tries to punish himself Self-flagellate appease the other person the other person becomes a self-object In other words critical for the functioning of the self replacement substitute of the self So he needs to appease that object and of course looking from the outside He appears to be a doormat It's like here. She is She Wounded him. She damaged him. She hurt him She cheated on him. She stole his property. She abused him public public. She undermined his work. She stole his money. I don't know what Here she is What is he doing? He's not telling her to you know f off What he's doing instead is telling her i'm so sorry it was all my fault I made you do it. I pushed you to do it with my abuse my rejection with my withholding with my misconduct It was me and And so please forgive me. I'll do anything You are great. You're wonderful. You're perfect. You are good-hearted. You are magnificent. Had it not been for me You would have never done this I pushed you to do it, etc, etc And this is his way of re-asserting control Re-establishing and buttressing the ruin grandiosity putting the bricks together Because if he is the one Who had caused the situation if he brought her to this he that means he controls her it means he that means he She is his pawn. He he did with her what he had wanted all all alone Her misconduct is an extension of his decision-making He's in charge. He's still godlike It restores his sense of agency autonomy and self-efficacy which are critical foundations of grandiosity in the nazi's case And so this is when internal modification compensates for external one fictitious internal modification Compensates for real external modification. The nazis is very good at this Very good at inventing fiction fictionalized works That replace or substitute for elements in reality nazis is a very poor Reality testing which is why he needs other people to provide him with input and feedback Which he then regulates uses to regulate his internal environment and nazis is a hive mind He's a hive mind. It's like a beehive It's a collate a kaleidoscope. It's a collage and this collage and kaleidoscope is recreated Minute by minute from input and feedback provided by other people When they react to the false self so the main role of the false self Is to elicit these reactions to elicit this information from other people So that it can be put together To recreate time and again minute by minute second by second the the false self Which is a replacement for the true self There's nobody there and when you feel that you are emptiness that you are void Then you need to fill it in somehow or to not exist To not exist is the most horrifying feeling imaginable And there is it also creates an internal inconsistency in contradiction Because if you don't exist Who is it? Who feels that he does not exist? Who does the feeling who does? The perception That he does not exist the nazis doesn't exist But he must ask himself. How do I know that I don't exist if I don't exist it creates It creates short circuits in the in the mind And so he needs to immediately eliminate the external and then The other strategy what liby calls inflated strategy inflated nazis They are revenge seekers. They are more classic. They are more what I would call Psychopathic nazis or what kernberg called malignant nazis So they are they seek revenge They debase the aggressing person the the attack the aggressing person They aggrandize and re-stabilize this their cells By reducing and devaluing the aggressing person So the aggressing person humiliated them and shamed them They say the aggressing that the aggressing person is mentally Or stupid without it or I don't know what but they reduce the aggressing person So as to minimize the message that had come from the aggressing person In in the world of this kind of narcissists inflate the classic narcissists malignant psychopathic narcissists There's always a winner and a loser. It's a zero-sum game And I mean I win you lose you win I lose So the one is a winner and loser and the narcissists Must secure that he is the winner must make sure he is the winner They fight fire with fire. They take an eye for an eye. They aright the scales of justice The only winners and losers they must be the winners another way of doing it is by shaming By shaming the the other person They short circuit The plunge into modification. They never experienced modification because they preemptively expel All impending feelings of shame and defectiveness by humiliating the other So when they see that the other is trying to cause them modification to aggress to attack to humiliate to shame to disgrace They counter attack immediately And they shame humiliate and disgrace the other person thereby publicly devaluating him to the point that he becomes meaningless or derisive or you know a joke And that's another strategy. So now There is the question of Of Romantic jealousy A third question I've been repeatedly asked is How do you distinguish Modification from romantic jealousy? Because I mentioned in my previous videos cases where there was cheating involved adultery extramarital infidelity As a way to create modification indeed most narcissists and psychopaths Would react to more with modification To infidelity infidelity of the intimate partner regardless of how they mistreat the intimate partner And even if they push the intimate partner to cheat this pushing the intimate partner to cheat has other functions You have to do with testing the partner and so we're not going to it right now But when the the partner finally succumbs and cheats On the narcissists or the psychopaths there is modification almost always And there's a question. What's the difference between modification and romantic jealousy? Imagine the following two scenarios scenario number one Your wife returns home at five in the morning and tells you that she Had she ran across her calling in an after work bar She went to a bar after work to have a drink and she met her calling And she and her colleagues spent the entire night talking reminiscing But she assures you nothing inappropriate or sexual had happened and you believe her actually You believe that nothing inappropriate or sexual had happened But she says it was such a heartwarming fun And the synergy and chemistry were so enormous That they both of them had decided to meet again from time to time She even intends to bring him home and introduce him to you. This is scenario number one scenario number two The octogenarian widowed neighbor from upstairs. There's a guy there and he's 90 years old 90 years old He dropped by While you were away on a trip And he was so lonely so depressed so heartbroken after his wife had died That your wife Let him fondle her breasts and let him allow him to touch her genitalia In order to lift his spirits if nothing else if to lift nothing else besides That was a question Are you going to be romantically jealous in both scenarios in both cases? Strangely the first scenario Where there had been no sex Not inappropriate behavior But it is the first scenario that is likely to render you far more jealous Than the second scenario and it is because romantic jealousy is not about sex at all It is about intimacy It is a romantic jealousy is a form of extreme anxiety About anticipated loss rejection and abandonment The risk of losing your wife To the animated corpse from the floor above is zilch She's not going to leave you and become his wife. He's 90 years old But her calling can definitely make a move on her And the way she had already reacted to his company Indicates that her colleague stands a chance of breaking up your marriage So you would be romantically jealous of her relationship with her colleague Which is asexual and totally appropriate And you would not care at all That another man had literally had literally had sex with her petted her. I mean Made out with her just because he's 90 and there's no risk of loss there and so people confuse humiliation narcissistic modification with romantic jealousy Being cheated on undermines one's sense of safety Creates disorientation confusion and a menaceous form of insecurity Infantile regression triggers infantile defenses Extreme neediness entitlement petulance and a passive aggressive wish to destroy the frustrating and hurtful object But all these have nothing to do with romantic jealousy Modification has nothing to do with romantic jealousy It is possible to be devastated About your wife's cheating and still not feel romantically jealous or possessive at all Modification is about you Not about her When The narcissist intimate partner cheats on him and he is modified He's modified not because she had cheated on him Or rarely because she had cheated on him He's modified because of what of what her cheating did to him Of his reaction is modified by his reaction is modified by his own disintegration is modified by the implied Shame and humiliation and criticism because her action says You are inferior You are defective You're hopeless I'm going to someone who is not inferior. In other words superior to you. I'm going to someone who is not hopeless I'm going to someone who is not defective like you York was the model so This is what narcissists react So you could say well if this is the case Why narcissists are attracted to promiscuous labile and dysregulated borderline women Why is that? I mean These women are impulsive They are essentially psychopathic They are defiant They have anger management issues They are emotionally dysregulated The moods are labile And so the risk of cheating there or the risk of modification of some other kind Humiliation in some other way Shaming in some other way undermined into person undermined undermining work or undermining into other interpersonal relationships or family relationships The risk of modification in a variety of setting and settings and ways is much higher with a borderline woman than when the Healthy woman or even much higher with a borderline woman than if than a psychopath or any other type of woman borderline woman is by far An engine of modification Why would the narcissist choose her? well The answer in psychology is very simple when we do something That's the maximum psychology the underlying axiom when you do something. It's because you wanted to do it When you do something because you've chosen to do it So if narcissists keep selecting and teaming up with borderlines It's because they want To select and team up with borderlines. There's a mate selection process here And why is that? What's the only thing that the borderline woman brings to the table? That no other woman does the potential for pain The potential for modification. It is precisely because of the potential to cause modification that narcissists select borderlines My good friend Joanne Lachkar had written a groundbreaking and seminal tone I think first edition was published in 1983 The borderline narcissistic couple And there she explained that borderlines and narcissists caters caters cater to each other's R.K. Kuhns She later renamed this Freudian phrase and she called it v sports vulnerability sports She said that borderlines and narcissists push each other's buttons on the one hand, but on the other and gratify Deep set deep set And emotional needs They solve each other's R.K. Kuhns on the one hand and Re-irritate them recreate them on the other. So it's a never-ending cycle But it has to do with with initial wounding or what Freud called unresolved conflicts or Vulnerability sports or whatever you want to call it As a narcissist selects a borderline because she can push his buttons Because she can help him to disintegrate And this is why when these women try very hard to be domestic Homemakers the narcissist feels dead and is frustrated abusive rejecting withholding and furious That he that the borderline woman is trying to be Um a homemaker and a housewife or you know, at least a good wife He didn't choose her to be a good wife He chose her to destroy him It shows her her to cause him pain and hurt. It shows her to bring on modification And here she is abrogating her her only duty And so ironically Borderline women who try to fit in who try to be good wives good intimate partners good good, you know manage the home and They provoke the narcissist's ire and aggression and hatred And and rage and abuse and rejection and withholding And neglect and absence and abandonment because he doesn't want them Because he feels that they had deceived him. They were false advertising What had been advertising is the heroin of excruciating agony crucifixion And yet they refuse to drive the nails in his hands and and ankles But when they are in the borderline stage When they disappear for days when they cheat on him when they steal his money when they Explode in enormous rage attacks when they are hurt trigger um Rageful, I mean when they are being borderline the classic borderline when they when they're very jealous When they're very suspicious when they're very clinging and needy and imposing and and What have you at this stage? The narcissist is happy He keeps coming back for more He even keeps aggravating the borderline traits and behaviors Because they guarantee modification Why would the narcissist want to be modified? Why would anyone want to be modified even if you're a narcissist? Because not everyone is a narcissist, of course, healthy normal people who try to avoid modification at any cost Just think about your reaction to cheating how it feels it feels like dying absolutely like dying So everyone is trying to avoid this except the narcissist the narcissist Six modification, but it's not muscle kissing I read texts even by luminaries such as scumbag and others milano Who claim or imply that the narcissist is somehow masochistic and it's reverse side of the flip coin The flip side of the coin of sadism He's on the one hand the sadist and every sadist is also a masochist. We know from craft theory But that's not true in the narcissist or at least it's not true when it comes to modification on the very contrary Modification is the only act of self-love Only act of self-love that the narcissist engages with modification Dismantles the false self or at the very least disables it And now without the false self The narcissist has no outer skin. No protection. No firewall. No moat. No castle He's all alone in the field naked to the core vulnerable in the extreme Blabbering his mouth off like a madman He And at that moment with the rain pouring over and the mud under his bare feet The narcissist feels alive. This is the narcissist quest This is This is the holy grail The narcissist spends his entire existence feeling dead inside Feeling there is no inside The narcissist is all facade all external and apparition a ghost He wants to feel alive for one minute for one second for one hour for one day Just To go through this experience. How does it feel to be alive? A modification gives it to him Then he feels alive. Yes, he's in horrible pain He feels trapped. He feels shamed. He feels he feels Ground the ground meat. He feels He feels that he's been reduced to atoms atomized But he feels it And he knows that only that this is life He feels it finally Is finally able to feel Finally able to live the world is in color finally. It's colorful The pain Makes him wake up now, of course This is classic self self-mutilation When we ask borderlines People with borderline personality disorder and other mental health disorders why they cut themselves Why they burn themselves with cigarettes? What is the pain doing to them? Why do you why they seek pain? They say I feel alive only when I feel the pain. I feel alive only when I cut myself with a razor or knife Burn myself with cigarettes Only then the pain wakes me up. I feel alive and the narcissist modification I mean for the narcissist to feel alive is not enough to cut or burn Will do nothing. He needs something much more massive Much more or pervasive much more ubiquitous He needs his soul to be to be put into the machine He needs so he needs something really bad and really total and that's modification This is his self-mutilation. He then feels alive. He then feels And he then feels for the first time Or not for the first time but every time that he has modification. He feels himself He feels a self If you who is feeling the pain? There's a core. There's a nucleus Something wakes up something steers up inside him. Is it a true self? probably vestiges of the true self Trying somehow the true self is ossified paralyzed fossilized crying small traumatized baby And this baby Wakes up and and it's and the narcissist finally feels in self. This is why narcissists after modification resemble children very much They become childlike they regress and they display extreme infantile behaviors and infantile defenses Because they are infants the true self wakes up is a chance this false self is gone the warden The warden is gone. The prison is open. The doors are unlocked He can walk out of the cell walk out of the grounds And he can he finds himself in the in in a beautiful lush forest, you know It is a prison. The prison is a palace It's a wonderful prison, but still a prison It's a prison the default self had constructed to keep the true self hostage To keep him as a prisoner and here he is the modification having freed him The modification is freedom Freedom from any commitment Especially the primal commitment to the primary commitment to the false self Because you remember what I'm saying about what I keep saying about narcissism. It's a form of religion It's a religion with one worshipper The narcissist and he's gone his divinity is dating the false self And the narcissist makes humans sacrifice to the false self He sacrifices his self his true self That's a human sacrifice. Narcissist strikes a Faustian deal with the false self You will make me great again, and I will give you my soul. I'll give you my true self I will slaughter it on the altar like Abraham almost slaughtered Isaac But the false self does not stay the narcissist's hand As God God's angel stayed the hand of Abraham The false self encourages the narcissist to go ahead with the human sacrifice to slit the true self's throat on the altar It's very very primordial Primordial drama What's happening inside the narcissist? We think that narcissists is just an idiot a jerk It's much more complicated than this And so the modification allows the narcissist to feel alive to feel himself Gives him the freedom freedom from commitment. Of course freedom from commitment Freedom from any commitment It also frees the narcissist from his relationship with borderline With that specific borderline and allows him to look for the next borderline The adventure of the next shared fantasy it caters to his psychopathic antisocial Aspects of the personality novelty seeking risk-taking thrills adrenaline junkie, etc Impulse like of impulse control At that moment the narcissist becomes somatic Because what is life? according to Freud Eros Eros erotic Eros the force of life Manifests in the libido The libido is the sex drive Among other things It's creative drive Sex is one manifestation of creativity So when the narcissist becomes alive When he finally can feel And when he When he kind of gets in touch with this steering core inside him and when he's free and he's adventurous and he's you know In fantasy and he becomes sexually aroused Becomes actually active and aroused and becomes a sexual being Unusually sexual being but there's nothing like the libido of a cerebral narcissist turned somatic Via modification And It's true that the narcissist libido is always tainted with sadism masochism With unusual practices. Some would say deviant and perfect not my style of speech It's true that it's unusual, but it's there It's there And it's real and it's strong and it's overpowering because it's an expression of life Narcissus finally alive The whole body is alive. His eye is suddenly human Other parts of him come to life And it's because he had been modified. It's a wonderful wonderful feeling Pain and sex The two main forces in life Come together And create a self Create life inside the narcissist And only modification can give him this and only a borderline woman can modify you see Do you see the chain chain of being? He needs borderline women to modify him to experience this what I've just described The narcissist Is preoccupied with being he wants to be He fails he wants to be and he fails to be But he wants to be Because he does not exist because he is a void because he is deep space Because throughout his life, especially his childhood He was told that He can be loved only conditionally only if he performs Only if so He didn't fall and he was not allowed to separate from the parent He was not allowed to become an individual separation and individuation. So there's no one there So he wants to be he's obsessed with being and he wants to be so much That he like a vampire subsumes consumes Extracts Sucks upon other people's being It takes away their being That's what's so special about narcissistic abuse It's the abuse of of the victims being Not some aspect And and so narcissists want to be they are preoccupied with borderline of the other Their their preoccupation is to not be They're experts at disappearing experts at vanishing physically mentally They commit suicide 11 percent of borderlines end up end up committing suicide They dissociate a lot Association is very dissociation as a diagnostic criterion of borderlines Forgetting deleting repressing ignoring Discontinuity They they They are almost psychotic as Kernberg observed Although I think the narcissists are more psychotic But still So borderlines Are very concerned with not being Their existence. I mean they hate themselves. They they are so So fed up and disgusted with who they are They just want to not be so they for example become alcoholics or drug users Or engage in practices which negate Negate boundaries bridge boundaries such as for example promiscuous sex They they try to not be the narcissist tries to be and of course what they do when they come together they trade The narcissist helps the borderline to not be How he ignores her He rejects her He abuses her violating her boundaries He helps her to not be he doesn't love her In the proper sense of the word He He's he abandons her He goes away. He's he helps her to not be And the borderline helps the narcissists to be To be how by modifying This is the deal they strike I will cause you pain You will love me So this is the title of the video title of the video is Why narcissists love borderlines and why they hate them back The And this relationship is very familiar to both parties because it recreates what Freud called the unresolved primary conflict First conflict with a primary object significant primary object, which is a long way of saying mother Narcissus a conflict with his mother which has never been resolved But the mistake that many scholars make is that they think the narcissist teams up with the borderline The borderline is like his mother Borderline is capable of causing him pain Capable of humiliating him capable of ignoring him using him rejecting him abandoning him like his mother exactly So he teams up with the borderline And many scholars say that he is doing this in order to replay to reenact the unresolved conflict with a different outcome Like this time the borderline will love him He's looking for unconditional love and the borderline will give him unconditional love This time his mother substitute the borderline Will behave like a proper mother That's of course wrong Utterly wrong they got it totally wrong The narcissist does not team up with the borderline in order to resolve the primary unresolved conflict The narcissist teams up with the borderline In order to experience it again Don't forget Narcissism pathological narcissism is a reaction to the unresolved conflict The mother mistreated Mistreated her child to an extent that the child needed to divorce himself He needed to create A decoy piece of fiction So that this piece of fiction can absorb all the hurt and all the pain and he himself needed to Disappear Which is the narcissistic solution? That's why he's so preoccupied with existence and being Because as a child he chose to not be he chose a kind of borderline solution Only by going through the conflict again Can he feel alive because before he created before he had created pathological narcissism the child did feel alive There was a child there There was a lovely cute wonderful smiling bright-eyed child there and In the first four years first six years or first nine years before that child became a narcissist He existed He felt He was alive With curiosity with hope with with amazement with with wonder he was he was there. It was alive. He was free And when the narcissist teams up with a borderline, he doesn't want her to be his mother It doesn't it doesn't want her to to be a good mother Or a good enough mother He wants her to be his mother But he wants her to be his mother because his mother mortified him and he wants the borderline to mortify him again Why because he wants to go back to being a child the child before the narcissism the child who used to be alive In other words the narcissist wants to borderline to resurrect him It's totally religious He had been crucified by his mother And three days or three years or three decades later He goes to his god Mother was god. Yeah, he goes to another god And he asked that other god To cause him the pain The kind of pain that will resurrect him. So when we are dead, we don't experience pain when we experience pain We are alive. That's indisputable. No one can argue with this in the mortification crisis The narcissist sees himself through other people's eyes He stands a chance to free himself of the shackles of this slave owner task master Cruel god the false self And his only chance at achieving this is via retraumatization when there's no protection when the pain is so excruciating that you can't But admit that you're alive These women are of course the narcissist pawns He uses them He uses projective identification and projective interjection to force them to coerce them to behave In a way that will modify He selects these women in order to fulfill roles It's a theater play It's production and there's a script And she had they have roles and if they don't comply he sure warrants them. He pushes them He torches them until they do there's a shared fantasy and then there's a liberating Anti-fantasy modification and she needs to go through the motions. She needs to hurt him These women need to integrate into shared psychosis and then they need to retraumatize the narcissist They need to hurt him badly never mind how much they think they love him if they love him. They need to hurt him That's That's the amazing mind blowing sadness In the relationship between narcissists and borderline. That's why we are so everyone is so obsessed with these relationships because you see two people Who love each other Beyond words love each other each other not in the Healthy normal sense, but I would say love each other existentially the cores the cores love each other not the persons So they bond in a way they become It's like fusion. It's a fusion reaction. It's like two atoms colliding and a lot of energy is released in a nuclear explosion The borderline The more she loves her narcissists the more she will hurt him She understands intuitively that she has to reenact the unresolved conflict with his mother and modify She needs to free him. She needs to make him feel alive. She needs to allow him to move To the next shared fantasy She knows What she's doing this act of selfless love disguised as rage or for hurt Or abandonment anxiety. She knows that She will never see him again But she also knows that this potentially is the only gift she can give him And when you talk to these women the protests They protest that they they say but we cheated on you because we felt that this is what you wanted We we did it to please you to prove prove your right The narcissist does not push these women away. He cajoles them to push him away And this modification Could lead To finally forcing the narcissist to accept and to internalize the insight That he's very sick That in itself is a modification who wants to admit that they're sick if you are told tomorrow that you have terminal cancer That's more modified Narcissism is the terminal cancer of the soul stage four stage five and it exists But Narciss has to accept us exactly as a neurotic patient has to accept the character neurosis In order to heal Narciss has to accept it and then it's a gamble It's a speculation. It's the first step in a therapeutic process of healing or the first step in giving up on himself and on life It's a gamble. The narcissist takes every time he's mortified But every time he's mortified He is alive to take this gamble He is free to take this gamble And he has emotions that guide him in taking this gamble and what more can anyone ask of life?