 Bismillahir Rahmanir Raheem Bismillahir Rahmanir Raheem, As-salatu wa s-salamu ala Rasulullah, As-salamu alaikum So today, when we talk about spiritual abuse, I don't want people thinking that we're talking about some phenomena going on somewhere else or with a group or with individuals that are easy to recognize as abusers The reason is spiritual abuse is covert most of the time, which means you won't detect it easily Overt abuse, for example, is somebody coming and physically assaulting you You know what happened, you were physically harmed Covert abuse is undercover, you won't detect it It's the difference between somebody robbing you and somebody conning you Scamming you for money in a slighted way So spiritual abuse itself, the term is used to describe abuse under the guise of religion whether it's somebody using religious texts or using religious position for personal gain or to harm somebody else And this is a very common phenomena and inshallah today we'll get into more detail So spiritual abusers are often narcissists but not necessarily Which means that the person, the perpetrator does not have any moral breaks What's wrong, what's immoral, the person who commits those actions doesn't feel that it's wrong They understand rationally it's wrong, which is why they hide those actions So they do get it, they do understand it, which is why they need to hide it But they're not going to feel bad about it And the reason to understand that there are people like this is so you don't engage with them The same way you would engage a person who doesn't have this lack of conscience So the rules are different in terms of you have to be more assertive And you don't want to get bullied in interactions, which is very common when you call abusive behavior out You'll be manipulated, the tables will be turned around on you You'll be blamed for small things you did to justify larger transgressions And more serious transgressions that the individual did So in Islam, we go by something called a vahir ul-ardala, which is apparent uprightness We don't investigate a person to see what's he doing wrong in private We just see if this person is outwardly upright Meaning they're not, for example, drinking in public They're not committing any sins or persisting in sins in public Now the person who has a vahir ul-ardala outward uprightness May be much worse than somebody who sins our apparent, but we won't know it And this matters because when people ask for advice in terms of hiring somebody or in terms of marriage They're not going to hear when they ask around that this person is actually abusive This person might do something really bad, because the general public does not know So when you have abuse in the religious context, most of the time the general public does not know And the way these cases work is the board of the masjid or the non-profit or the institute Those people will know a lot of the times and sometimes they won't even know Because this is done in small communities and the people who are targeted are more vulnerable people And I'll explain what that means in a bit So first I want to explain that spiritual abuse, it can cover different areas Today I'm going to talk about in financial abuse, bullying and illicit and secret marriages So to begin with money You have zakat in Islam, we all know that And there's different categories of people who can accept zakat One ambiguous or open-ended category is those in the path of Allah, fi sabilillah Now most people when they give that, they're not assuming that this allowance for fi sabilillah will be misused by organizations Especially if it's advertised as helping students in need or as just helping poor people But when you give zakat, a lot of these organizations will just use fi sabilillah for their own programming And they'll use it very irresponsibly One example would be having a program where the speaker is paid maybe $100 to $200 Admission is normally $20, but they'll have a scholarship for people who can't afford it And they can just arbitrarily set the price for those individuals at $1000 a person So those students are given zakat The people whose seat is sponsored and it is zakat technically for them according to this understanding But then it goes back to the organization as revenue So zakat becomes a funnel for the organization Does that make sense? So again, this is not something people would accept and people would be upset if they learned that this is where their zakat is going But it's a lack of transparency, which is why people won't know And a lot of what's used is something called affinity fraud Which is people, organizations will use respected religious figures Or even positive messaging that appeals to people as a way to solicit funds So instead of explaining what happens with your money, they're just going to show videos of some student Maybe from an underprivileged background learning and benefiting Or somebody showing excitedly how much they benefited Or just other success stories And also other respected religious figures, them giving testimonials And people won't think that anything could be wrong because it's trusted figures who are sponsoring this organization And again, sometimes they know of the fraud, oftentimes they're getting large cuts of this zakat as well As honorariums if they come and do events And sometimes they just know and don't care So a lot of the people, sorry, and then the next one would be bullying So bullying is something that is, there's more awareness being created now Even in sports and in workplace bullying It's an epidemic really across society And in the religious context, the way some of the ways this works is through this idea of tsarabiyah Of building a person Now you can call it self-development, tsarabiyah, whatever name you give it This is a pervasive problem You'll see programs, for example, addressing needs So these people, they'll address certain needs that are in the community And abuse their position while they're fulfilling that need So, for example, chivalry classes for young men People who feel inadequate to be husbands, young men They know they need more masculinity And they're often abused in these type of classes and bullied And they will initially accept it thinking this is what they need to do to develop character And when the process is over, they oftentimes develop long-term PTSD And a very serious distaste for religion And also, for women, this happens Sometimes we believe that being in the West, we're inherently inferior in character, in adab In moral strength to people from the East So we forego everything we know to be true, everything we know to be abusive Just to learn something we believe we have no idea about And this is where you'll see women being bullied a lot of times For simple things that I don't even want to call the mistakes But they can be labeled mistakes when you submit to the idea that you just don't know basic decorum You don't know basic social interaction And again, this stuff, there will be a period generally where people go through it And they won't exactly catch what's wrong And then the effects of it are really devastating afterwards So a lot of times people will be involved in these religious groups in their early to mid-20s And in their late to late 20s to early 30s religion Or this being serious about religion was just some phase in their life And now they're done with it And this is a very common scenario There's a lot of people who were beat as children in Quran schools or in madrasas And this is actually the reason why a lot of people hate religious figures And even on the topic of hitting For people who would permit physical discipline It's not something that equals child abuse It's meant to be light reprimands And that's why the peer review process is so important So there's not actual child abuse And it's also haram to do so if it's having a negative effect on the child Even with words, harsh reprimand, yelling If it's having a negative effect on the child Or an adult learner, it's haram to do so So the effect actually matters It has an impact on the action So it can't be said to be from basira, from insight, from wisdom When it's having an adverse effect on the recipient of that scolding Also, in terms of bullying It's really critical to understand that When this happens to young adults, parents will often justify it So if there's a teenager, someone in their 20s Even complaining or explaining something's wrong That they're being treated poorly You'll get a lot of justifications of Well, that's your teacher, respect your teacher Or your teacher knows best And these are mindsets that people who run these programs Who exploit that need for development in young men and women They're very well aware of So they'll say things like We're living in the Jalic times We need to raise children to be strong in the end of times And this is how you build moral character Or even when it's the parents who have issues with abuse or with bullying They'll often say if this applies that your parents are from another country They're from another time even, they're from a different culture They don't understand what we're doing here And that worldview is created for the person Who's being targeted with this type of abuse To not have anyone to seek help from So they'll be told, and this actually works on people That the people who are telling you this is wrong They're coming from a very liberal paradigm Their understanding is scoffered They don't understand that this is Islam, this is Tadbia And when you close people off from a larger peer review It's very easy to do this So that's on bullying and on secret marriages and Haram relationships So this is something that people will generally think more of When they hear of spiritual abuse Because that's a little bit more popularized It's, keep in mind it's one element And when it comes to relationships, secret marriages So first, when it's actually done through marriage To be clear, the marriages I'm talking about They are exploitative marriages Meaning that people, a lot of these speakers travelling Or religious figures will pick out women who are more vulnerable And how do they know that? They'll often engage in conversations For example, what does your father think about you coming to these events? Oh, your father's not really around And kind of trying to gauge how many men are in that sister's lives Or to see how the relationship is with her And other men in her family To see exactly what they could get away with And in other cases, and this is not rare The first wife of that person Will help him pick out other women And this will be in the cases of, sorry This will play out sometimes in inviting her over to their house And them just hanging out, having a good time together Showing them that this is potentially a good case of polygamy Where everybody is just fun and happy And when the relationship does end And this is a secret marriage Meaning it's not legally registered And other people don't know So there's no legal accountability And there's no social accountability And without that accountability there's no shame factor This again is the private sphere And they can get away with it and there's no recourse There's no legal recourse, there's no social recourse So what'll happen is And the rights of the women are withheld The Mahad is often withheld And she's just divorced, sometimes just a simple text message And then the first wife in many cases Will gang up against this woman who was quickly divorced Saying, deny her claims that it was a secret marriage Saying no, I knew about it, you're wrong We were just mentally unstable, you just couldn't handle it We tried to tell you that this was a polygamous marriage You weren't going to be living with us But you just couldn't handle it And when that happens it doesn't have the form of misogyny So the husband doesn't look bad As if he just did an immoral act It seems like a good idea that just wasn't viable Or something they tried and something they failed in So the claims of not getting her rights There's no enforcement for that And there can't be because there's no mechanism for that And also in other cases Sorry just to pick out the vulnerability as well A lot of times it'll be a teacher-student relationship Or just volunteers at events And they'll test how open the sister is to this idea So they'll make comments like, oh I had a dream of us getting married That was weird And just seeing what the reaction to that is Or making jokes, sending articles about polygamy Or very often the courting, it's not courting But really the exploitation and grooming process Sending articles about polygamy And even sending confusing messages Like oh wouldn't it be fun if we were just one family And seeing how people react to that And again these are not meant to be serious marriages They're short term and this is more common than we realize Especially with people when they're traveling Sometimes it's just different wives in different states And marriages that end abruptly And there's again no recourse So when this does become known And it's brought up to organizations You get justifications for this type of abuse That nobody would justify before the actions are undertaken But it's a retroactive justification Why is that? Because a lot of times these people are high performers Meaning they're the speakers who sell the tickets And they're doing well Sometimes they're the media darlings Imagine if you lose a powerful voice Especially when people are afraid about Islamophobia Imagine if you invested in an Islamic center Your family grew up there This is your social circle And taking a stance against somebody Means you're going to lose your social circle You're going to lose your social network These are not things people want to do So the message that's sent is very clear now That these rules apply to you unless you're good enough And if you're valuable, if you're an asset Then we'll let you slide and you can do whatever you want And that's exactly the message that's been sent to this community To the North American community for decades And it's been going on around the world Since really the beginning of time So these people, when they persist long enough They become decades... Sorry, after decades of work They'll be called pillars of the community They have a track record of great work Because they do good work A lot of times these people are more motivated To come pre-fajr at the masjid To lead youth programs, to give khutbahs than other people And we know how it is in masjid People, there's a shortage of speakers There's a shortage of people who want to do youth events But these people are more motivated So they are assets to the community And that's one of the confusing points for people That they also do a lot of good work And they will, because they're motivated So we're not here to make the case that somebody's evil or not We're talking about actions So actions have to go checked So how do you check actions? And this really has to do with having a code of conduct Which we developed on Inchex Clothing Which is the website That me and a sister named Dania have For spiritual abuse It's a code of conduct we encourage organizations to have Because without it there really is no mechanism for accountability And to give a few examples of that If you hear of a teacher Being in Halua, for example, with a woman What does that mean to most people? Being alone in seclusion and the third person's shaitan Haram, but what does it mean to be alone? Right, but what I'm saying is There's a definition that's in general understanding Of just being alone But then there's a very technical understanding Which means you could be alone in an office with the door open And there's a chance people will walk by And it won't be Halua technically So it's not the Haram Halua But a lot of bad things could happen in those situations still And they do happen And there's no witnesses to things when they happen So in those cases When it is even brought up that Oh this is what these people are doing They're meeting in Halua, it's justified as well It's not technically Halua Right, so it's not, you can't pin it to anything wrong And in real cases When it was, there's no denial It comes to light and it's admitted That a person married a 16 year old girl Without her parents knowing And it's not just without the parents knowing It's guiding them away from telling their parents Which again is showing that they don't have The girl's best interest in mind Because they're guiding her away from her Wali What's the response from other female religious leaders And male religious leaders She's an adult in Sharia If she reached adulthood through her cycle Even if she's 15 or 14 she's an adult And it's the same whether she's 14 or 30 years old She made her decision we can't say that this was wrong And this really happens but again It's in private cases Right, so this is the point That when it's a retroactive justification People will find anything to justify And there's no mechanism of enforcement So there's no privileging strong Sharia views Or dominant Sharia views Over minority Sharia views It's the wild west Because there's no enforcement mechanism And when there's motivation To justify all courses of action You could do it very easily through mental gymnastics And that's exactly how it happens Another example when there's even Because some cases like the person Will touch women on their shoulder On their hijab And it'll be complained like he's touching us What's the response? Well it's not skin to skin And again this is not something people would ever advocate In the youth holocausts I mean this would never be said But once it happens there's a retroactive justification That's only used retroactively And it's used selectively as well So again it's the wild west Anything could happen And also when things happen in private There's often a shortage of evidence So it's difficult to get people To prove that the exact allegation is what happened So in the code of conduct If you just outline that a man and a woman Cannot be alone in this office Even with the door closed at this time Then you can hold people accountable For the precursors to bad action Not necessarily the allegation If there's not enough proof for it So if there's an abuse that happens On a car ride alone Which happens The figure will pressure somebody To just take a car ride home with them Even if they feel uncomfortable The justification is it's not a big deal It's not halwa, it's not seclusion and sharia Because there's windows to the car You're not going to be in some alley People are going to see it So the fault there would be Being in a car alone Or giving a right to a student That should be outlined as inappropriate And these things do seem like common sense But nobody realizes how important they are Until there's an issue And these issues are going around All in communities all around America North America, UK This is a really, really big problem So my advice is really to not engage In activities and institutions Until there is a code of conduct Don't donate until there is financial transparency This is not to make an accusation We're told in the Quran to write down transactions And if you loan people money This is precaution that we're supposed to exercise And we know that we don't have In many Muslim cultures you just have orif Things that you'll call it good or bad Based on what's known and cultural norms Ideas of ayib, that's just wrong But in America part of the reason is diversity Different madahib, different Islamic cultures That come together and some are more conservative Some are less conservative and you don't have A clear black and white understanding Of cultural norms here because of the diversity Which makes it very easy for people To manipulate that gray area Because that's what manipulators do They take advantage of and exploit gray areas And it's easier to be evidence-based As well, when there is When right and wrong is outlined And drawn out clearly So there's a hadith That if people were given in accordance to their claims People would claim the blood And money of other people But the burden of proof Is on the one making an accusation And the oath is on the one who's being accused Meaning that we are an evidence-based religion And a lot of times that's the reason Of course why perpetrators will get away But we want to ease that process Of just outlining smaller wrong actions So there's an easier way Of holding people accountable And again, this goes back to the idea Of Zahir ul-Adala and judging by the outward That a lot of actions will not be If there's no proof, you cannot Expect accountability So this builds up frustration in people That this person did something so wrong to me But nothing was ever done And the reason, again, a lot of it goes back To there's no mechanism of accountability And that's exactly what a code of conduct would allow So also, Sheikh Khalil al-Nahlawi In his Hadar al-Ibaaha, a text on It has the disease of the heart and some thick in it He mentions also that deep-seated resentment Is often the result of oppression not being addressed So when people have been wronged for a long time Or have been wronged and there's no redress They develop envy, like wanting that person to lose Good things in their life It leads to people slandering other people Or backfiting and insulting that person Because they got no recourse So it's better for everybody It's better for people's attachment to their religion To show that even if somebody is very successful Even if somebody is selling tickets for us Even if somebody is producing great results in the community We're not going to make exceptions for them Wrong is wrong no matter who does it And that's a message we really need to send Because this is a reason a lot of people end up Leaving Islam or leaving Islamic circles And just become marginal Muslims And this is a powerful message to send I've had a lot of people, Alhamdulillah, reach out And just say from what we've seen on the website It's given me a lot of confidence in this religion And it's been a blessing to see a Muslim address this Because up until this point I was just told by everybody That I have no proof or just to have a good opinion Or just to be patient and to let it all go And or just the perpetrators act good was just pointed out So this is the message we need to send And inshallah I would just again advise people To push for masajid and organizations to have some system Of clear outlines of what's right and wrong Because it is the gray areas that are exploited It's not a clear halal and haram So now I do want to go over a few signs of spiritual abuse Some precursors and something to look out for And these signs are not comprehensive But here are a few key ones One, if a teacher lies about any jaza You don't need anything else after that If a person could lie about having license from a sheikh To take on spiritual disciples or to impart knowledge And you found that out to be a lie That lie is enough for you to stay away from that person Practically speaking, even when this happens There's excuses made People will just say, well, what if he interpreted He got any jaza and he's just wrong Or he just felt like he should say that So again, it's very easy if you're not emotionally connected To that teacher, but once you are People will make all sorts of excuses Another sign would be doing clear haram Persistently that you should probably stay away from this person But again, practically speaking When people are emotionally invested in teachers Have spent a long time in their service Or benefiting from them Or they just do programs with them And this person is a social asset for you It's very easy to justify Saying things like, only the prophets are perfect Which is what everyone believes But it's said as an excuse Or, well, I'm not sinless So I don't want to point out anything about this person It's about attractive justifications And exploiting great areas I mentioned that before, but let me explain it a little bit more Things that would never be done publicly Or advocated for publicly As wrong as... When people will say, it's wrong Even if it's not haram Such as hanging out And joyriding Like just a single man and a woman together But doing that privately, systematically So those are signs of exploiting great areas Also, use appeals to wisdom Again, going from something tangible A criterion everybody has access to Method positions, Quran, Hadith A normative transmitted Islam To just the sheikh's wisdom Or a dream I saw And again, if you're imagining some weird person Dancing that you have no connection to You might think you'll recognize it right away But try to think how this may apply To somebody you do trust Somebody that has a very normal appearance Who justifies actions in this way Not justifies, not just mundane actions But actions that are very questionable Or abusive by dreams Also just feelings and visions I had a dream with the Prophet ﷺ Or Sayinah Hussein Or somebody that you need to donate money For the Zawiya This stuff is very common It really happens And a lot of times, the people who are victims Of this type of spiritual manipulation Of sheikhs in spiritual groups Whether it's in a Tariqa or outside of it Are very learned individuals People who teach fiqh People who teach tafsir Have studied ten, fifteen years And they're the ones manipulated by one spiritual sheikh And I get a lot of outreach by such figures And their embarrassment is very different Because they say, we've taught against this You know, we used to teach people That the first thing in the Zawiya Is you have to follow the Sharia That the Tariqa doesn't exist outside of Sharia These were people who publicly taught this And they still fell for it when it happened to them And the shame and embarrassment Those individuals feel It's just very hard to express I mean, sometimes they'll call just to School themselves to me And again, this isn't going to necessarily be public Because of the shame attached to it Right? Also, and this ties into financial as well One common in the Sufi Tariqa And again, not just Sufi Tariqa But close knit groups Is people will say, we need to buy a Zawiya We need to buy an Islamic Adawa center And the money Because there's long standing trust Of the sheikh with other students Who might also be called sheikh Very respected figures There's no financial accountability It's all just personally sent money And then that Zawiya, that Islamic Adawa center Ends up becoming personal property Of that religious leader And no one saw it coming Because they trusted the person so much And Another Sign would be If a group Or if a teacher is pushing absurd beliefs As spiritual So the more you can believe In something outrageous, the more spiritual you are This is also common It's like a test of your spirituality How deep are you in haqiqa? Can you believe something without any evidence? Without any proof? And then sometimes it becomes a contest Yeah, I believe it, well you could do this I believe that And it's not just possibilities It's really saying apply that to me now It's not theoretical Or historical about Zawiya And it transitions then To people saying They're talking to angels They're talking to the souls of people Who have passed away And again, we could say this is logically conceivable But you don't need to Apply it to every Person claiming this You know, that's really Where it becomes a problem Just something historically may have happened Or this happened in certain cases And it's applied now to everybody As if this is just a common thing As if people walking on water are just a normal thing Another example Would be putting down knowledge or studies If somebody, if a religious figure If a teacher or someone you're engaged with Is putting down studies And knowledge To spirituality Or saying you're wasting your time studying You should focus on just Developing yourself spiritually And that again is doing what I tell you That's a big bright red flag Anyone who puts down knowledge is not your friend Another example Would be spiritual explanation for events Somebody gets into a car accident Something bad happens Oh, he was speaking ill of me Of course that was gonna happen What did you expect? I mean, this is exactly the kind of Conversations that happen behind closed doors And it scares people So And again, this don't think Of a very naive person Don't think of somebody who doesn't Hasn't studied Islam This works on all tears It's very powerful And you just have to be very fortified In understanding that that's Erdogan This is knowledge of the unseen Only prophets were really The knowledge of the unseen Only prophets were revealed Were given insight into that Then spiritual threats Excommunication If you disobey me You're gonna die in a state of kufr You're not gonna die in Islam You're damned to hell Or you're gonna have other tribulation And again, this is common You just won't see it in public Sometimes you'll catch videos of this Now, and I think this is more important Is What should you do And what are signs that you're a target You're prey, you're vulnerable to this So The number one thing If I had to summarize is just be assertive If you If somebody is touching You're interacting with you with words In a way that you're not comfortable with You don't need a shari justification for it Don't get into legal debates Just say I don't care if this is halal I don't care if you do this I don't care if I'm like a daughter to you Or I don't care if we're close enough for this to happen No one touches me like that That's the one thing that Will put that person in a state Where they understand they can't do that to you That it's immediately reacted to And I do want to mention that When we're talking about illicit actions There are also several cases Of male Figures, sexually assaulting male Other figures, sometimes through Rokia Which is like Like a Rokia Like Like blessing the person Sometimes exorcism Yeah, like reciting incantations Things like that And inappropriate touching in that way And then that gives the person a dilemma as well Especially if this person is married Do they expose this person has Other tendencies And again, that empathy for their perpetrator Is another reason Why abuse continues in many Examples So back to being assertive So if you lend somebody money Do you feel uncomfortable asking for it back? Is it awkward for you to bring it up? If so, don't lend people money You have to have that assertiveness To ask, it's your huck, it's your right And that's the beauty of Islam We have God-given rights You're not overstepping your bounds If somebody does something wrong to you You have your rights to seek redress And especially with money It's your right Don't be shy to exercise your rights Also Signs now, signs that you are A potential target And that you're more vulnerable If you trust someone If you trust that You giving money to someone will go to the right cause Without seeing a transparent process I mean, that's really, really important And this applies to a lot of people If you let the personality The good work somebody does Mean more than a process There's a good chance You'll be taking advantage of financially If some If you're making excuses For someone disrespecting you If you're saying maybe this person Doesn't know what they're doing Or maybe they don't mean it And it's continual You know this person to be Very good I'm talking about really targeting you To break you down To publicly humiliate you If you're trying to justify that Or are uncertain about Why someone's doing that And you're more busy psychoanalyzing the person Then understanding it's wrong Then it's likely to continue Another is You believe in safe spaces You believe that there are safe people In this world Or people are generally safe You going to a masjid Listening to a religious talk A sermon, a youth halakha A program for training the youth Those are not safe spaces To explain what a safe space is A place where you can just let your guard down Something that's encouraged In these circles is to share your vulnerabilities Share some trauma you may have experienced Sometimes people are literally asked to share Abuse stories with them And what happens Again, not all the time But it's more than common Than we realize in many cases There are people taking note of this To map out emotionally Who you are and what your weak points are And that will be used against you In the future They'll know exactly how to manipulate you In one example A religious figure Kissed a woman against her will And touched her inappropriately Tried to marry her She didn't want to marry him And what he did was He used family history She confided in him earlier About some family dysfunction Against her to her family And he beat her to that So he began the slander and smear campaign Before she could say anything And this stuff's very common Using symptoms against people Using mental health Mental health issues in someone's past Against that person and say, oh, they're just crazy So these aren't things you want to disclose To people that you don't know very well So, yeah People are people, they're fallible Always keep central to your belief That these people are fallible Not just, okay, the wise Saying only the prophets are infallible But in your actual belief system That you act on So if you ever catch yourself saying, for example How could this person do it? He's the Imam And you understand the behaviors Were carried out Those actions you witnessed You saying, but he's an Imam Is an indication that you actually Believe being an Imam means he can't do these things Therefore, meaning he's infallible So really Internalize that people are fallible Another example would be That you Will defer judgment on what you see To another religious figure So if you see something happening If you know you're being mistreated It'll mean more to you What another religious figure or somebody you trust Says, you're going to seek validation And That should mean if You know your experience And someone is praising this figure It shouldn't mean anything to you Maybe they're praising that figure because they're partners in crime Which often happens Or the person only sees good from that person Either way, it's not like a testimony To every single thing that person does And it shouldn't have any bearing on what you Know to be true Lastly Yeah, also if you're confused By the person also doing good works This happens sometimes Thinking that Allah only allows good people To do good things or good to come from good people That's not our belief system We have a hadith about A person of a Sheikh teacher going to hell And his students are going to heaven And he's saying The students are saying, how are you going to hell When we only benefited from what you taught us He said I called And he'll say I called to good but I didn't practice it So benefiting from somebody Someone's good works is not a proof of that person Another And this is pretty common Is apologizing when you haven't done anything wrong If you're that type of person Predators will see it And they will exploit it So don't apologize If you haven't done anything wrong And another example would be That you'll excuse Bad behavior based on the status Of somebody that does it You'll accept that you're in fear You're no one to question What somebody of high status is doing And these are all very important Not just for yourself but also If you have these qualities You're very likely also To marginalize somebody else Who's being victimized Who's being targeted Because you'll make those justifications For that person being abused So keep this in mind inshallah And again The way that we hold That we make gray areas more solid Is through spelling it out And I encourage everybody To push for that And we have a lot of strategy groups Insha'Allah Okay, so I want to start off With some headlines of high profile cases That we've seen in recent years In all of these cases You have people who are very highly Regarded in the community People who are very respected And beloved by children and adults And they've committed the most Hainist and horrific crimes Okay, thanks I'm starting off and to show that the threat to our children can come from people that we love and respect and admire, and that at times they can actually use that admiration and love to exploit our communities. So as you can see, I have information up there about the Boy Scouts, which is an extremely popular organization in the US. Jerry Sandusky, who was guilty of dozens of child sex abuse charges across many, many years. The Catholic clergy, we always see cases on the news about new clergy that are accused of crimes and cover-ups within the Catholic Church. Larry Nassar, which is probably the most recent case to come up, and he was the perpetrator who is accused of molesting US gymnasts, again for many, many years. And then there are also cases of Jehovah's Witnesses. Again, another religious organization where child abuse was rampant, and it was also covered up. So this chart sums up one of the most important pieces of information I want to share here today. If you are going to come away with anything, I want you to at least come away with this. As you can see, contrary to what most people believe, most perpetrators are known to the victim, and they're not strangers. We tend to think that perpetrators are weird-looking men who are lurking in playgrounds or schools, but that's actually not the case. 93% of the time, they're known to the victim. 34% of the time, they're family. So parents, uncles, cousins, and then 59% are acquaintances. So that could be friends, teachers, nannies, babysitters, organization leaders, all kinds of people that are known to the victims. And only 7% are strangers. So here are some important facts I also wanted to share. According to research, one in five girls and one in 20 boys is a victim of child abuse. Now, I know that these figures are alarming, but I also want people to take into account that a lot of abuse cases go unreported because some kids don't never disclose. And even if they do disclose, a lot of families don't report to the authorities. So the numbers could actually be much higher. And I've seen research that points to higher figures. The most vulnerable ages are between 7 and 13. Nearly 40% are abused by other kids. So they could be friends, classmates, cousins, any other children, basically. And interestingly also, 40% to 80% of juveniles who commit crimes such as this are victims themselves. 60% of victims never tell anybody. We're going to talk about the reasons why that is in a few minutes. And then, of course, people tend to think that sexual abuse is only a contact crime, but that's not the case. So it could be any kind of behavior that is sexually motivated for the perpetrator. So it could be watching the child undress, showing the child inappropriate material, exposure to the child, anything that would be inappropriate in that sense would still be child abuse. And then most sex offenders do deny their crimes. I wanted to mention this because if a child makes a disclosure and you're automatically thinking, well, I'm going to go ask the person that's being accused, you go and ask that adult. And the adult says, oh, no, that's ridiculous. With no understanding, of course, nothing happened. I want you to really think twice about trusting the accused over the child. Because the vast majority of allegations are actually true. And most sex offenders deny their crimes. So I just want everybody to keep that in mind. Something else I really wanted to address was myths around child abuse. And I think the most prominent one really is stranger danger. So we spend a lot of time teaching our kids to be cautious around strangers, don't talk to strangers, don't take anything from strangers. The famous don't take candy from a stranger. We don't really teach them how to handle unwanted interactions from people they know, or people they love even. So most people have this idea that a sex offender looks unusual or different. But it's actually rarely are they strangers. So we have to make a point to teach our kids to set boundaries and be comfortable saying, no, this is making me uncomfortable. I don't want to be around that person, whether they're a stranger or not. We also think that children won't remember if they're abused at a young age. Or they're just going to get over it because they're so young, but that's actually not the case. The effects of abuse last for many, many years and well into adulthood. And it can impact various areas of a person's life. We'll discuss that in more detail as well. On the other hand, just because a child was abused doesn't mean that they're going to be distraught or struggling for the rest of their lives. A lot of factors play into how a child recovers from trauma and that includes believing the child, family support, getting treatment, all kinds of other factors play into that. And then it's also unfortunate that a lot of people assume that boys are rarely abused and that they think that it's mostly girls. But I talked earlier about that it's actually one in 20 boys and it's probably even higher than that. And boys can be abused by boys and girls, men and women. It's actually estimated that 14% of cases of child abuse against boys are committed by women. And it's also assumed that if a mother is around that nobody can harm her child, but there have been also cases where, especially if it's someone that's trusted within the family, that the abuse is happening in the same room where the mom is. So again, making sure that we're not thinking about the danger as just coming from strangers, but it could come from anybody within the family or community. We also wanna believe that a parent can tell if their child is being abused or that the child is immediately gonna tell them if they have a close relationship. But again, various factors play into that. Some kids never tell at all. Some kids wait months or years before telling. A lot of them think that they're embarrassed about it. They think no one's gonna believe them. They don't wanna get the person in trouble, especially if it's someone that's beloved by the family, a family member or someone that the family respects. They're afraid that their parents aren't gonna love them anymore. They're afraid that they're gonna be taken away by child services. Sometimes the children even deny the abuse even when there's evidence that it happened because they're afraid of all the possible repercussions. The other thing also is that perpetrators can play into that. So they can threaten kids that those are the things that would happen to you if you just close. So then they're not gonna tell anybody. And the other side of that that I wanted to address is that there are parents that, I think actually the majority of parents when the kid comes to them and discloses something like this, the initial reaction is denial. No one wants to hear that their child suffered something so horrific. So it's actually a very, very common reaction. And the most important thing to remember is in those kind of situations, it's understandable that you would be in denial at first. And what matters really is that you quickly realize that you have to trust your child and take immediate steps to make sure that they're safe. And so even if a mom initially says, what, that's ridiculous. There's no way that happened. It doesn't mean that they're a bad parent. It's actually a normal first reaction. Also sometimes the abuse is minimized. So I know some behaviors seem worse than others, but it's important to remember that for a child abuse is abuse. It's not about, you know, only for adults is sex considered intercourse. But for children, it's not about that at all. It's not about the physical act. It's about the betrayal. It's about the emotional aspect of it. That there was manipulation and deceit and that their innocence was stolen. That's what stays with them. That's what's the most damaging. It's not about the physical act. So, you know, we shouldn't say things like, well, he only touched, you know, her arm or at least he didn't rape her or him. Because that's not helpful. That's not what stays with the child. Another thing I want to see here and what Brother Danish was saying as well is that we want to believe that people in helping professions would never do something like this. I would never harm children. But research has actually shown that there are some offenders that choose their profession, especially because it gives them access to children. So there are many clergy and teachers and people in Chalker who've said, yes, I went into this profession because I have access to kids and no one would question me. So it's important to not assume that just because somebody is a Quran teacher or, you know, the best babysitter in the neighborhood that you should dismiss any concerns that are brought to your attention. And then lastly, I think this is a pretty common myth that sex offender treatment doesn't work and that we should just lock up all sex offenders and they're all the same and that treatment is useless for them. That's not the case. There are different types of sex offenders. Some of, a lot of them actually are individuals who suffered their own traumas when they were kids and they're dealing with their own histories of victimization and some of them feel a lot of remorse for their actions and want help. Now some don't feel that way and are just predatory but either way, treatment is very important and it's an extremely important component in prevention. And I'm saying this here because if you do come across someone that you personally or professionally know and they've committed a crime like this and you're hesitant about addressing the issue and you know, you don't wanna embarrass them. They tell you, oh, I'll never do it again. It was just one time and I don't know what I was thinking. So you're thinking about just letting it slide and not reporting to the authorities. I want you to really think about the importance of treatment in this case. They need to be referred for treatment and treatment is not all the same. I work in a treatment program and it's individualized based on the person's history, based on their own experiences, based on their risk level. So I strongly wanna encourage everybody to really think about that if you ever come across someone who is in this situation and this is what we need to do for the good of the community and to protect our children really. And sending them off to another place or marrying them off, that's not gonna help anybody. It's not gonna help them. It's gonna probably put other people in harm's way. So the best thing to do in that situation is to report and recommend treatment. So I'm gonna talk a little bit about grooming. Whether Dhanesh mentioned it a little bit. So grooming really is the process where by a perpetrator gains access to a victim. It involves an imbalance of power. It involves coercion, manipulation, and the motivation is to get to the victim and to maintain that relationship. And it involves not just the child that involves the child's caregivers. It even sometimes involves the entire community. So I'm gonna go through the steps involved in grooming. So the first step is identifying and targeting the victim. So the most vulnerable kids for child abuse are kids that come from broken homes, kids who are single parent homes, kids who are neglected, kids who they're not getting a lot of attention at home. They have really very busy parents, children with disabilities, children who are quiet, reserved, shy, more passive. Those are the kids that are preyed on more often. The next step is gaining trust and access to them. So once the perpetrator identifies the potential victim, then they pay special attention to them. They buy them gifts, they buy them food. They buy them stuff that they're lacking at home. And they also offer emotional support. So they lend a sympathetic ear. If there's stuff going on at home, then they listen to them and they offer them love and support and guidance. And gradually what's happening is that they're playing a role in the child's life. So they make the child feel like they're the only one that understands them. They're the only one that's supporting them and is gonna be really there for them. And with time, what they end up doing is isolating the child. So they offer them rides. They could drop-offs after school. They take them out for meals. They take them to sports games. They give them personal lessons, so individualized lessons so they could tell the parents, oh, he's such a special kid or she's such a special kid. I wanna give them personalized lessons just by themselves to grow their gift. So then they end up having a lot of alone time together. And of course, the parents are none the wiser. They don't know exactly what's going on. And at that point, nothing inappropriate has happened. This is again, a process where they're slowly desensitizing the victim and the family to the idea of being alone with the child. And then throughout all this, they're creating secrecy. So they're telling the child, don't tell anybody about our relationship and you're so special. Don't tell anybody about how we care for each other and that I'm there for you. Because if you tell, then all of that's gonna go away and we won't be able to go to all these games and we won't have that special time and I can't get you gifts and all that stuff. Now what happens after this is, gradually they start to initiate physical contact. And it doesn't immediately have to be something inappropriate, but it could be, or sexual, but what happens is, for example, like Jerry Sandusky, what he used to do was he would gradually touch the boy's legs and then they would wrestle. Wrestling first with clothes and then wrestling with underwear and then showering with the boys. So he's a coach, so showering in locker rooms was normal for the boys, but then he would shower just with one of the boys. So it's gradual, gradual, gradual so that the kids are desensitized. So that finally when he does make the inappropriate sexual contact, the child isn't going to be as shocked and will be less likely to say no. Now, in order to maintain this relationship, that the perpetrator is instilling fear in the child because they need to control them. So they tell them, if you ever tell anybody, they're no one's gonna believe you. It's your fault because you wanted to be with me and you enjoyed our trips together. And the problem is why this is so incredibly damaging for kids is because the child is enjoying part of this because the perpetrator is making sure that they are. Because the more that the child seems like they're enjoying this experience of going out together, the gifts and the food and the games, then the less likely the child's gonna say anything, the less likely anyone's gonna believe anything is going on because the child seems like they're having a great time. And the child themselves are having a good time really so then they're struggling with this idea of, well, but this person, they love me and they're helping me and they're the only one in my life that cares about me but they're hurting me. So they're struggling with this awful dilemma and then the perpetrator feeds off of that and contributes to it. Now, I also wanna say that this is not common in all cases. In some scenarios, this doesn't happen at all and there's just coercion and fear, doesn't have to be any grooming. But again, this is such an important thing to think about because perpetrators are not, they don't have to be someone who's scary and it's a one-time thing and the child's gonna tell right away. And I think that's what everybody has, most people have in their mind that that's what's gonna happen, but it's not the case. And with people that employ grooming, it's so incredibly dangerous to our community because these are the people that seem like they're wonderful. I mean, everybody loved Jerry Sandusky. They thought he was the most amazing guy looking after all these troubled children created and after-school organization for troubled kids. Everybody loved him. And these people make sure that the community thinks that about them because that's going to get them more access and if anybody says anything, no one's gonna believe them. So they have access for a much longer time. They get away with whatever they want. So it's incredibly dangerous. So how do you know if your child is being abused? So there's, the first thing I'm gonna talk about is normal versus abnormal behaviors, sexual behaviors. So I'm not gonna talk about it by developmental stages, but really what you should be thinking about is what's normal for my child's age. And to get help with that, the best thing to do is to talk to your pediatrician or primary care physician to figure out, okay, my child's acting this way, is that normal for their age? But just kind of general ideas are, can they be redirected? If they're doing something inappropriate and you keep telling them to stop and they're not stopping it, that's concerning. If they know knowledge that's inappropriate for their developmental stage, that's also concerning. If they're stimulating inappropriate adult acts, that's also very concerning because where did they learn that from? If they manipulate other children to abuse the children or having another child abuse them, that's also inappropriate and concerning. If they're talking in an inappropriate manner, if being around other adults causes them excessive agitation, anything like that, that's all abnormal behavior. And then STDs also are big tell. So if a child has an STD, then that's obviously concerning because where did they get that from? And then, of course, mental health symptoms. So if they're withdrawn, if they seem that, they're afraid, they're depressed, a suicide attempt, they're very angry and rebellious for no reason, right? So think about developmental stage. Is this appropriate for their developmental stage or not? And then witnessing, of course, if it was witnessed, that's evidence. Using alcohol or drugs at an early age. So alcohol and drugs or substances in general are commonly used in victims of trauma. They're unhealthy coping mechanisms. So if that's used, then that's concerning as well. And then chronic physical symptoms, like stomach pain, headaches. And then with regards to physical findings. So a lot of people think that if a child is abused, then there's going to be physical findings and that's the way to tell if something happened. That's not the case. Actually, kids heal much faster than adults. So in a lot of cases, even with terrible abuse, there are no physical findings. They do a checkup and there's nothing there. So if you're going to rely, if you have other evidence and the physical findings seem to point to the effect that nothing happened, I would not go with the physical findings, because they're actually uncommon. And then lastly, disclosure. If there is disclosure, you want to investigate. So effects on children. So I split this into short-term and long-term effects. And I do want to say beforehand that sometimes the events that happen after the abuse can be as damaging to the kids as the actual abuse itself. So for example, not being believed, having to go through the legal system, all of that can be re-traumatizing. And in fact, sexually abused children who tell and are not believed or who never tell at all are at greater risk of emotional, social, and physical problems that can go well into adulthood. Now the short-term effects include regressive behaviors, which basically means that they're displaying behaviors that are not appropriate for their developmental stage. So some sucking, bed-wetting, if they stop talking, so like a six-year-old acting suddenly like a two- or three-year-old, sleep disturbances, eating problems, they stop doing well at school, they don't want to go to school, they fail all their classes, they don't want to hang out with their friends, those are all effects and signs. Long-term effects include substance abuse, as I mentioned earlier, that's a common coping mechanism. Dissociation, which means basically kids who experience trauma, especially this kind of trauma, can, because of how incredibly overwhelming the experiences, they can emotionally detach themselves from the situation, so they may not even have memories of the abuse, because it's so incredibly traumatizing, and this is especially true in cases of incest. Other mental health symptoms include depression, anxiety, PTSD, which is post-traumatic stress disorder, suicide attempts, eating disorders, physical health problems, so adults with a history of child abuse are 30% more likely to have a serious medical condition like diabetes, cancer, heart problems, stroke, and hypertension. So as you can see, it's extremely damaging throughout the lifespan, and then of course, they could have difficulties in their relationships and adult relationships, they can feel anger at the abuser, anger at their families for not protecting them and anger at themselves because they felt like they could have been able to stop the abuse. And then finally, research has shown that someone who was victimized is highly likely to be re-victimized again, so they're likely to be traumatized again. We don't have time to talk about that now here, but if anybody has a question about this in the Q&A, I will gladly explain that phenomenon. Okay, so what to do to protect your child from abuse? So you wanna carefully screen the people that are in contact with your child. Don't assume that just because they're high standing in the community that they're automatically safe at all, any gut feeling you have, any doubts you have, you wanna go with that. Don't ignore suspicious behavior. Again, even if they're the most respected and beloved teacher or leader, because remember, if that person employed grooming, that means that they actually made an effort to become the most beloved teacher and leader so that they can have access. You also don't wanna force your child to give and receive affection. So I know even, my husband does this at home. When someone comes over, oh, he tells my son to go and hug and kiss the person that's coming, and we all do that. It's part of our culture. We really want to be close to each other and show love and affection to each other. So the issue though with that is that if your child doesn't feel like doing that, it's really best to not force them. And I'm not saying that if they don't wanna hug and kiss someone who comes in the door, that means that that person is a danger to them. Absolutely not, because we all know kids, sometimes they're shy or they just don't feel like it, and that's totally fine. But why I'm saying this here is because you wanna make your child feel like it's okay for them to set a boundary. It's okay for them to say, no, I don't wanna hug and kiss that person because God forbid if at some point there is a person there that is a danger to them, you want them to feel like they can say no and that they have a right to say no. Similarly, we teach our kids to always respect and obey elders, which is obviously, in general, a good thing, but we also wanna teach them that if they feel unsafe around someone, even if they are the most respected person in the community, that it's okay for them to also set a boundary and say, no, I don't wanna be around that person. And that just because their kids doesn't mean they're any less worthy of our respect or they're any less valuable. We also tend to give cutesy names to body parts when they're kids, but I think also, because we feel like if we say those words, it's I am. So the problem with that though is that if, again, God forbid, a child were to be abused and they're going to disclose to somebody, they may not feel comfortable disclosing to you because maybe it's someone that you know, maybe it's someone in your house, maybe someone that you admire or love, they may wanna disclose to their friend's mom or their teacher and they might use a word that the teacher has no idea what they're talking about. So the teacher might dismiss it and then that's it, the child's never gonna disclose again. So it's important to give your kids the tools to be able to advocate for themselves. Now, if your child appears distraught around a specific person, doesn't wanna be alone with them, that's something also to take into account. You wanna talk to your child about prevention, teach them that no one can touch them in certain places, that they should immediately tell if they feel uncomfortable. There's a lot of books out there, a lot of information about how to do this. I saw a book the other day called See Is For Consent and it was for younger kids, so you can start that conversation early. You also wanna be open to whatever your child wants to tell you. If they say they have a secret, you don't wanna dismiss it because maybe they're testing the waters to tell you something else. And this is not necessarily just about themselves. Maybe they saw something that's going on with another child and they feel like they wanna tell somebody. And then that gives you an opportunity to really step up and be someone who's protecting your community. And finally, like I said, believe a child if they tell you something is going on because the cost of disbelieving really is much higher than the cost of believing them and then finding out that it was not a true accusation. So this is an app that was created by Childhood USA with a nonprofit called Darkness to Light. It's a really great app about child prevention, basically child abuse prevention. And it has a lot of information. I don't know if you can see it clearly, but it has education, organization safety checklists, and it also, I believe, has information on how to report child abuse. The last thing I'm going to say is about mandatory reporting. So mandatory reporting basically means that people who are in professions where they are always around children, they are legally obligated to report suspected abuse to the authorities. They have to or else they get in trouble. I personally think that everybody should be a mandated reporter. I think if you suspect anything, it should be reported to the authorities. Now, the thing I also wanted to impart here is that it could be absolutely anonymous. So no one will know that you made a report. And also it's suspected abuse. So it's not like you know for sure. You're just reporting suspected abuse. So there's some evidence that something might be going on and you want to make sure that a child is safe, best to report. There'll be an investigation and then if nothing comes of it, that's fine, but you may be protecting one child or many in the community by reporting. And there's a website that we'll put on in Chick's Clothing about how to report child abuse. And then these are more resources about child abuse, just information. And then Brother Donach's website in Chick's Clothing and some hotlines as well that we'll have on the website. And that's it for me. Thank you very much.