 Can we be real for a moment? The dating marketplace is riddled with emotionally dysfunctional people. That's right, I said it, emotionally dysfunctional people. Sometimes I call it emotionally constipated human beings, but the reality is, is whether you're a man or woman, the dating marketplace is rather, it's a mess out there. It's an es-show out there. I don't curse in these videos. So what I wanna lean in today is the conversation about being used and being with men who are unable to commit. Because the vast majority of women who follow my channel are women who seek partnership and relationship. They seek a companion. Their partner in crime is sometimes it's put. And so I wanna lean into the guys who are unable to commit versus those men who are able to commit. Now, one of the general differences between men and women and not that this is an absolute, this is simply a generalization. Men tend to be more focused on sex and women tend to be more focused on commitment. This is why oftentimes women act a bit righteous. And there I said it, many of you act righteous because you have witnessed, you have experienced men who are unable to commit and because you're able to commit or you desire commitment, I should say, doesn't necessarily mean you're able to commit, but just women tend to desire commitment more. And because they desire commitment more, they oftentimes give more in the relationship. And when they give more and they're not receiving to this commensurate to their amount of giving, they might classify men as being bad. They might classify men as users. They might come up, you know, they might even call them narcissists because they're the ones giving and they're not getting in return. But the reality is that this isn't necessarily a true illustration of what happens. Now, are there men who use women? Absolutely. But I wanna differentiate between using from an intentional place versus an unconscious place, okay? Because that's what I think we have to recognize the difference between intentional and unconscious. So the intentional person that uses a woman is sometimes it's for financial reasons. We see this often in midlife, you know, men who are struggling financially and women happen to be in a good financial position because women tend to be givers, okay? That they find a man who's interested in them and they give to this man from a financial perspective. Or maybe the man is going through a contentious divorce. Maybe he's going through job issues. Maybe he's going through health issues. Maybe his women tend to be givers. A man might use a woman to be his sounding board, to be his therapist, to be his maid, if you will. And I only say the maid, I really mean a servant. And yes, there are plenty of men who do this intentionally. What I think we have to recognize are the men who do this unintentionally. And why I'm drawing attention to this and I know you don't like hearing this because you'd rather make men out to be the villains and that they're all bad. The reality is is most men are a significant percentage of men who are in midlife are rather dysfunctional. There I said it dysfunctional. Now some of those men have clinical issues. They are narcissists, they're sociopaths. They might have borderline condition. They might have passive aggression. They have clinical issues. And these men who have clinical issues oftentimes might be charming in the beginning of a relationship, but they're incapable of actually committing to another person because they have deep-seated wounds that have gone unhealed. Now there's another block of men, I call these the builders and growers. These are men who have done some personal development work, some self-help work, some spiritual work. I say some, so that they're actively healing their childhood wounds and adult traumas. And one of the most significant adult traumas is divorce and roughly 75% of singles who are over 45 years are divorced. So for those men that have actually done some work healing themselves, they make potentially better partners because they are seeking a partner. That's why I call them a grower and builder. They seek a partner in their life. Now what is partnership? Partnership means being part of a team with one another. Now the reason why this percentage is so small is because many men in their 20s or 30s that get married and think that they're gonna be married for life and that they're the provider and protector, the wound of divorce, whether it was their fault or their partner's fault, can cause them to be gun-shy of any significant relationship going forward. And when a person is gun-shy, they might be ambivalent about actually being in partnership with one another person. And for men and ladies, I really need you to key in on this. For a man to choose a woman, he has to want to take care of her. He has to want to take care of her. Doesn't mean he has to, has to take care of her. He just has to want to take care of her. There's a big difference because some women might, but let's use taking care of in the financial sense. Some women might be more financially successful than the man she's wet or he's wet, or she's wet, excuse me. So in that particular case, he may not be able to financially take care of her. However, there are other ways to take care of a woman. And this is one of the signs you know you're not with someone who is going to use you. And what I mean by use you, and I just did a pivot here. So I'm going to come back to this, okay? The taking care of, but is using is again, if it's unintentional, it's really he's wasting your time. That's what I want to differentiate, okay? Is the man who's wasting your time because it feels like you've gotten used. Okay, let's come back to the protector. Okay, I did a pivot there for a second. What a man, even though he may not be financially able to take care of you, but he wants to take care of you, if you know, think about wedding vows and sickness and in health, okay? That has nothing to do with money. Well, technically has nothing to do with money, but to be there for you, to be your teammate, to be your partner, he has to want that. And yet a significant percentage of men, roughly 80% are incapable of that. Now I call those men, I talked about the users, the vast majority of men are also what I call spenders. And what I mean by spenders is they want to spend time with you, they want to spend time with you, but they're incapable of commitment. Now we'll talk in a moment the signs, but let me just lean into this for a second because you can spot these guys rather quickly, these spenders, okay? Usually they're going through a contentious divorce or maybe they're still married. A lot of you women seem to like married men. I don't get that. I don't know why you'd invest in a married man when you think about it, if he's in relationship with you, would you want another woman to invest in your man when you're in relationship with them? So I don't get the women who invest in men who are married, okay? But they're going through a contentious divorce. Maybe they've got health issues that is weighing on them. Maybe they've got issues going on with their children. Maybe they've got professional issues going on. See, when a man's life doesn't feel stable, he can't take care of someone if the ground underneath him doesn't feel solid. It's like, how can you build a house on quicksand? And yet many of you ladies will love the idea of taking care of a guy, which I can appreciate you want to do that for, and you'll invest in a relationship with someone who's incapable of commitment because the ground underneath them isn't solid. And you're thinking, well, when his life is solid, he'll want me. Or when his spouse who passed away, when he's gone through enough grief, he'll want me. I see that happen a lot for those of us in midlife. And let me just say this. When a man's lost a spouse that he genuinely cared for, he might find a replacement spouse, but it's very rare he can lean into a relationship with that person until he's actually grieved and healed. But that's another conversation. So let's talk about garden variety using for a moment. How can you tell you're being used? Well, I guess the most obvious is he calls you up for booty calls. It's always about sex. There's no real investment in the dating process. There's no real investment in you. He only is interested in sex. Well, that's the man who's just choosing to see you as a friend with benefits. And quite frankly, you're not really good friends to begin with, okay? Now there's another form of men using women. This happens in the cyber world. This is for all of you that are typically in long distance relationships or you're in a relationship with someone where all you do is communicate via text messaging or telephone call. And what happens in most of these cases, a man is using you for his therapist. That's right. Today, it is easier for a man to lean on to a woman to lean on to feminine energy. And all I mean is female energy, okay? Lean on female energy because he's not actually going to a therapist to heal his wounds. So he can just dump all his problems on you. If you've ever experienced a man like that, please post a comment below. I wanna hear your thoughts. By the way, if you wanna avoid these type of men and actually attract those builders that I talked about, check out a link right here to schedule a discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. There's a link below. My area of expertise is to teach you what questions to ask based on your personality to determine, is he a user? Is he a spender or is a grower builder? And I just got a text message from a client that just shared with me. She just got engaged. She worked with me last year and she just got engaged. I'll post pictures up on YouTube to show what my client's reaction was. Okay, so the simple sign, he only wants you for sex. Now, another sign, okay, we first have to understand that in the early stage of dating, a guy might open up to you, okay? He's opening up because he's experiencing either lust or limerence. Now, if you're not familiar with what limerence is, you can Google it. The definition is extreme infatuation. I had a woman write me today saying, why would a man say I could easily fall in love with you by the second date? Why would a man say that? That's a man who's rather emotionally immature and quite frankly, if he's a protector. See, if men are such protectors, why would they say stuff like that? Knowing that a woman could get attached to a man, knowing that he is going to bail on her sometime. This whole narrative that men are the provider protectors as if it's so ingrained within the andrithals that men absolutely do this. Well, this is thrown out the window by the time men go through divorce, but more importantly, are they genuinely protecting your heart? See, by the way, cavemen didn't really hyper focus on emotions the way we do today. They didn't have the tools, they didn't have smartphones and text messaging and voice texting and FaceTime. Back then it was just grunt bend over and I want to have sex with you. Basically, I want you to think about neanderthals. Most physical experiences were borderline rape. Okay, so using these narratives as if it applies today is a bunch of garbage in my opinion. While there's some shred of truth to it, we men instinctually do want to financially take care of someone or protect them from the physical perspective, but a true protector protects you from an emotional perspective. And so he's aware that his words matter because the minute you're physical with someone, you bond to another human being and yet men are throwing out all kinds of rhetoric, making all kinds of promises during this limerence phase only to say, and I quote, I'm not ready for a relationship. So we have to recognize that the hunt phase, whatever a guy says may not count after he's had sex with you. So this is why it's important to do your due diligence, to lay your cards on, start with radical honesty, laying your cards on the table and set up the rules of engagement. This is what I talk about my private coaching. Radical honesty means vulnerability, authenticity, transparency, laying your cards on the table is talking about your past experiences because we have to get a sense who you are because you're a stranger to us and laying all your cards on the table is your standards. What type of relationship you're looking for and sadly, many of you ladies aren't very competent with the answer to that question. You have a fantasy of 40,000 square, 40,000 foot level answer, but not a concrete answer. I was having a coaching session today with a client. I said, pull out a calendar for 30 days, describe what your relationship looks like each and every day. So you can have an understanding of the, like the mechanics to what it is you guys are doing every day. See, to avoid being used, it helps to know what you want. I've shared this before. I once had a woman reach out to me for coaching. She said, Jonathan, I want commitment out of the man I'm with. I'm like, what does that look like for you? But Jonathan, I just want more commitment out of the man, the man I'm dating. I'm like, what does that look like for you? And she shouted it as if shouting made was describing it. One of the challenges many of you, the reason why you get used is you're not establishing the rules of engagement, which is your standards. What does commitment look like for you? Now, many use women. They typically don't invite the women to meet their family and friends. They keep an arms length. That's a sign you've gotten used. He chooses to only reach out for sex. That's a sign you're being used. And certainly if you've engaged in regular sex with them, he doesn't talk about commitment. He doesn't talk about exclusivity. Let's not put a label on it. I need time. I need to take it slow. Why does he get the benefit of your vagina? But he gets to think about it for a very long period of time. Why don't you have that same benefit? See, people are rushing into sex way too early in the process. And what I mean to say is before you've actually gotten to know another human being. And the way to avoid being used is to really assess, is this person capable of commitment? And if you don't know how to assess that, then reach out to me. If you wanna avoid being used, then choose men who meet your standard of what commitment looks like for you. Because if you don't, you have a greater chance of choosing the men who are the users, those men with clinical issues, or those spenders who their life is in chaos to some degree in their incapable of commitment. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know. Listen, I wanna help you avoid attracting those users, those spenders, those non-committal men, but it's incumbent upon you first and foremost to get a clear picture of what commitment looks like for you and don't settle for anything less, ladies. I wish I could be there for you on your first date. I'm your big brother. I'd have the shotgun out. I'd have it pointed at his face and ask him, what's your intentions? See, intentions matter, but when a person isn't intentional, they might come across as charming, but it doesn't mean they're capable of commitment. All right, I think that's enough for this one. I think you get to just to where I'm going. Hey, I'd like to hear your thoughts on this. Please post a comment below. If it resonated with you, please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel. Hit that notification bell as well. And I'm gonna sign up this video as I always do. First off, give myself a big, gigantic John the Merrick of self-love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm asking you to turn to someone, a pet, a teddy bear pillow. Give inner them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. Thanks a bunch. Bye-bye now, bye.