 Don't care who you are. You can't serve abortions at any restaurants. Are we live Matthew Brown? Yeah. Why? Do you have a Christmas hat to put on? Yeah. No, it wouldn't fit over me. Pubes, brother. It's Christmas. It's not. It's close. It's getting close. When you guys are listening to this, it should be five days away. I wonder where we will be when this comes out. I hope relaxing somewhere. That's what I hope. I reckon we'll be on a beach in Monaco. Oh, that would be nice. Does Monaco have beaches? I don't know what Monaco is. Monaco has one of the biggest beaches ever. Oh, really? Yeah. Holy shit. Monaco is in France? I was singing in America. I thought Monaco was its own country. Yeah, I think it is. It's like a state of France, isn't it? I have no idea, man. It's a city. I thought she was just one of the actors in Friends. Yeah, yeah, Monaco. That's Monaco. Well, well, well. First of a Christmas special and boy, oh boy, do we have some shit to talk about to begin with, right? Then we've got a very special, special once off. Oh, yeah. Me and Matt don't know about this. I don't want it. This is scaring me now instead of once off. Then, right? We got some PO Box shit. Plus we're going to do a secret Santa each and to finish with Michael is doing his first ever solo prank call. I feel so sick. So there is, there is going to be, this is, this is an outstanding episode already. Come on. I already tell we're going to have to work on this. Really? No, I'm in a fucking, I'm in like a, a feel sick. It's already ruined. But I'm in a giggly mood. So it's like combine them. It could get delirious. I reckon this is our last week of work, by the way. This is our last, this is early December. We're recording this. This is the last week we have like fucking two more videos to get done. And then we can not film for a while. Plus, if I'm afraid to do, yeah. As you're listening to this, by the way, I will get all this boring shit out of the way first. We don't need to mention Manscaped. We'll be back till next year. So don't worry about buying that shit right now. I need you to listen to Marty. We have just launched merch. All right? We bought a thousand shirts with a few different designs. Michael's wearing one. It says Be More Be. We've got a fully actual University of Markle. It's website members. You know what? Fuck it. We're going to put the link in the description of the YouTube. Well, website members would have already had a chance at it. Yeah. Website members have had first class. If they haven't bought those thousand shirts, I doubt we don't have dedicated members. I don't know if, I don't know how well it's going to go. I hope we don't just sell out 50 shirts. Just in case. Go and have a look at the website, okay? If we do sell out and you can't see the link, that just means we've sold out. And I'm very sorry. But if it's sold out, that means we're going to do this again. But if we haven't sold out, the link should be in the description for YouTube. Okay? Marty, Michael, fully actual YouTube. And the website is fullyactual.com. Okay? You can go. That's pretty easy. Yeah. That's cool. Do you like that, Matt? Would you wear that? I like the smiley face. I forgot my fully actual one. I left it at home. Matt, so what do you think? Get up and have a look at it. Tell me what you like and what you don't like about it. Be honest. It's very spray paint. Chilean design them. So that makes sense that you wouldn't make sense. It's very hip hop, isn't it? So go and have a look. See if the link's in the description. If it's not, that means we've sold out already and there will be more coming. Also, before we continue, this podcast is proudly brought to you by the University of Marketware. We post a weekly like 30 to 40 minute video of our lives and real fucked up shit that we're not allowed to post to social media but that we want to film. We've got on there a video where we sandpapered our skin off and poured salt and aftershave and shit in. We had a huge scabby scar on our leg for two weeks. It's still there, but it's healing. We fucking, what else have we done on there recently? We're all sorts of fucked up science experiments. You can have a look. It's free for 21 days to see if you like the content. Link is in the description. If you don't like it, you can leave free charge and maybe buy it for someone as a Christmas present or enjoy it over the real break. Holy fucking shit. You could buy a subscription to our website as a Christmas present. Oh, as a gift. Maybe somebody would get it for me as a gift. I reckon, oh, dude, if your partner loves this shit, no, their partner would probably be watching. I don't have a partner, Michael. What are you trying to say? What are you trying to say? All they need is his email and then they can gift it to him. I'm trying to think of people outside of the, in the camera world. Yeah, I know, but I'd love to have a subscription. All they need. Yeah, well, I fucking, you should buy it yourself. We've spoken about this. It's like fucking. You're a five bucks. You're a coward, Matthew Brown. You are a coward. Five bucks a month is nothing, dude. You're in some of the videos. You eat every day. You have that money. All right. Look at me. I'm setting a dog alight. Oh, yeah, I like that. Anyway, yeah. So 21 days free. See if you like it. Okay. And now moving on. We got a lot of shit to talk about. First of all, the listeners choice award. All right. We came in top 10 again, but we didn't make the top five. So I don't know where we sit somewhere between six. Okay. It's bad. What do we do? Oh, Michael's got a toy dog on fire. Oh my God. There's a fire on set. God, I just envisioned my house going up and I fucking freaked out a bit. Oh, that would have been good. Can't do it. We'll definitely flirt with that shit more. Okay. For this podcast who you have our word, we will be playing with fire, starting fires and shit. Yeah. Woo! You just never know what's going to happen, man. But yeah, listeners choice award. Thank you to everyone who voted. By the way, we top 10 is very good for a podcast show. You know, it's out of all of Australia. You know, and Michael set the dog on fire again. No, that's, I reckon it will go out. That's just a tag. So it should be sweet. All right. Once that runs out. Bosley, can you shut up? Sorry, mate. Yeah. So thanks to everyone who voted. We watched it. Didn't we? Yeah. We had a good time, I think. Yeah. I honestly don't think that we will ever win that, that award show because of what we do. I know you're saying. You guys said, no, but I reckon you're going to host it one day and just. No, it doesn't work like that. The world doesn't work like that. And then you'll get canceled because they don't even get well before that. Like they don't even like they don't. It's like they don't want to talk to us at all because they don't know what we'll say. Don't they follow everyone else who is nominated? That's why that's what I mean. Wow. I don't know. I'll look into it. I don't want to get too conspiracy theory. I'm saying that we should have won. Oh, the dog. We did win. We fucking did win. I think the dog is on fire again. I think I think the dog is definitely on fire. It's small. Yeah. No, no, no, it's doing its thing. It's like a Christmas tree. Got to try and stay calm in this. I'm production. I'm safety. It's getting worse. No, look at me, Matt. Hey, don't look at it. Look at me. It's going to be okay. Everything's going to be fine. All right, just relax. It's just a little bitty, bitty fire. Okay, it's just in his bum. Yes, it's fine, Matt. It's just in his bum. It's just a little small toy plush dog. Just make sure there's no cords or anything under him or near him. I reckon. Oh, wow. Yeah, if you look that way, it gets a bigger bump. Yeah, it's just his bump. Look, it's just his bump. Matt, look, there are a lot of problems in the world. All right, if you stare at it, there's a lot of paper here. If you stare at every problem directly, it's going to seem a lot worse than it really is. Oh my God, it's getting on the table. It's okay. It's just fucking out of there. I reckon it's fine. Honestly, it's sort of nice. It's just a fire. It's a Christmas fire. Very hot, though. It's like, it's anti-air-con. It's actually heat up now, yeah. You can hear it. I can hear it. Listen, you can hear that. I'm putting the mic to it. What a strange thing. Not too close. It's quite beautiful. Yeah, that is very nice. I like how slowly it burns, you know? It's so hot. Yeah, anyway, look, it's starting to calm down now. Matt, see? It's burning into the table. I reckon, but we're going to have to get a new table for the new season. This is the last time we'll probably use this table. To be honest, we might destroy the set. I've got an axe. I've got two axes. Oh, it's a nice table. Maybe the worst. Maybe just the green screen, we can push it. Curl the edges. Yeah, I've got more green screen. There's so many flammable things up there. Yeah, there's a lot of paper here. Yeah, and this, man-scaped. Anyway, mighty awesome now. Oh, my God, there's so many cords up there, too. Now that I've mentioned them, I might invoice them. The cords go this way at the front of the dog. Once it gets to the front of the dog, we'll get scared. Oh, my God, it smells. It's a moment. We're not very smart people. Fire alarms here. Yeah, there's a lot. He comes in like every three weeks. Is that the table or like that? Man, this is a strange burn, isn't it? It's so hot. We've got shit talked to get through in the toilet. The table is on fire. Matt, okay, Matt, if it makes you feel better, do you mind getting a glass of fucking water? Oh, God, here we go. Matt, oh, he's so worried. There's no glasses. He's getting out of hand. He's going, move that, move that up. Lift that up, Matt. Oh, my God. You're freaking me out. Soundboard, Matt. Lift that up. Lift the soundboard, Matt. Oh, my God. This is a dump. It's stuck. Oh, God. Just lift it up. I got it. And then you just go chitcha-chitcha. Quickly. And then you're fucking set. Boom. Problem solved, mate. It's still on fire. Fucking problem solved, right? It's still on fire. Oh, sweet. It's coming on this side. Fuck me. He's a very flammable dog. There we go. Most of them, all right. Now we'll get a little stick of that fishing in. Yeah, a little stool for it. I'll go and get a little stool for the soundboard, eh? We'll just stand here, I guess. Yeah. Fucking... Anyway, listen to choice award. Yeah, we won. We're pretty sure that we won that. Oh, wow. Ow! Ow! Ooh. Yeah. So that's that. Fuck. It smells so bad. Oh, shit. I'm sorry, Nicky. I got all your sacred cards. You got all the paperwork wet. Anyway, um... Okay, that's probably the silliest thing we've done in a while. It's just a fire. Matt, really. Come on. People... I'm pissed off with the water more right now. Moving right along. Some of the videos we've put out, did you guys see the TV ad that we had on Channel 7? Fucking hilarious. That video was demonetized on Facebook and did shit. So annoying. Because I was expecting to make a small amount of the money back. But it was demonetized. Yeah, I imagine not having a say in it. Why was it demonetized? I don't know, Matt. I don't know why they chose to do that. Anyway, great video. You might notice Michael's face is also a strange color. That is because I put henna ink in a facial tube. Like, that's pretty fucking smart, Matt. Hmm. It looked exactly the same. Didn't it? Shut up. You were fully fucking... Bits floating in the air right now. Does everyone see that? It's asbestos. Shit, it's probably asbestos. Anyway, fucking... Now, this is this for a while. Can you explain the face a bit more? So you've got henna. Henna ink, right? This is the best I could do to get it off. It's pretty good. You've got basically all of it. I look like I've been bashed. Yeah, it looks like you've been jabbed a few times. But I've got facial ink. A facial... Like a facial where you put on your fucking face and I emptied it, inserted henna ink and then me and Julian put some actual facial shit on and gave Michael the henna ink bag and there it is. That's what happened, okay? You understand? Yeah. Very funny. That video's not out yet but I'm sure it's done very well. Imagine if that just gets 100 million views or some shit, baby. I'm meeting my new girlfriend's parents on Saturday night with you. And he's gonna look like... You should wear those goggles. It looked like he was trying to do blackface. So it was pretty funny. Anyway, not because blackface is funny, just because it seemed like Michael was being racist. Which is very... It's great for me. It's a great joke on me. Anyway, guys, fucking don't forget to like, comment, subscribe. Next season will be our favorite yet. We've already got some fucking hilarious segments in the board and Matt Brown will be sticking his head out of a hole in the table. And there'll be multiple cameras. That's why we've already started. Your hole can be here. Yeah. So don't worry about that. We had our Christmas party on the weekend. Did everyone enjoy themselves? I did. I didn't go too hard. Yeah, we ended up having kick-ons until like 7 a.m. Oh my God. Yeah, but man, I can't do it anymore. The whole next day, blood pressure was just fucked up. I couldn't even eat food. I went home at like 3 a.m. and just slept until like midday. Yeah, yeah. Where do you... I had a fucking throbbing headache until like 3 p.m. Yeah, it's so fucked now. The body really just flapped. I think we just need to know when to leave. Yeah, well, it wasn't that. Kick-ons is so fun now. I'm glad I didn't do kick-ons because I know I would have fucking probably been down on Monday still. And then fucking we got the boys' trip coming up. That is in about a month from when you're listening to this. Hopefully we've sorted out our Airbnb issues. Michael's account, they just fucking keep cancelling our bookings because they're deeming us to be your party... partiers. I wonder why. Yeah, but we haven't been that bad. The last one, I thought we did well. Yeah, but... They're so strict. Everyone's just strict. Everyone needs to relax, baby. So many rules. Just relax, baby. What's with all the mandates, baby? Just calm down, baby. Yeah, let's all just fucking calm down and have a sleep. Just have a sit-down. Anyway, the Christmas party is fun. We've got a bit of footage. I don't think we'll make anything of it. Oh, yeah. It's sort of like you start off with it and then the more fucked you get, you just can't lift the phone and think, oh, let's do a prank or fuck with it. Fuck, you're in more in the moment. And plus, yeah, Matt was on drugs. I don't want to film his face. I wasn't on drugs. Oh, man, baby. I have something I want to tell you guys about. Oh, yes. Is it good news or bad news? Good news or bad news? It's good news. Okay, good. Here we go. Okay, now, this is for you. Viewers listening at home. I need all of you listeners to fucking listen up right now. Okay, listen up. Wait, the viewers to watch or the listeners to listen? Shh. So if your name is Michael Robinson, okay, you need to be listening right now. Michael Robinson, I'm talking to you. There is a ho ho ho watching out there with her amazing partner. They're sickeningly in love and she even licks his red swollen gout toe. If that's not love, then what is? Now I have this message to play for you. What a better way for me to do this. Than through the other two great loves of your life. We've been through a shit ton in the past 16 months. Finally, I feel like we're able to breathe and just focus on the important things. Our kids, each other and our family as a whole. I'm so proud of the man that you are. You really are my best mate. My confidant and better yet, you really know how to crumble my cookie. You always make me laugh, even if your end goal is to make me wee, which you've succeeded at numerous times. We are aliens from the same planet, the weirdos that perfectly complete each other. Not only did I get you, but I got your amazing son that we now share. And along with my daughter, our family is blended beautifully and I will never be able to express to you how much brightness that brought into my heart. I promise to always put our family first, to always put in the work, even on the shit days. And yeah, I promise to keep doing that other thing that you like too. I want us forever, just as we are, for richer, for poorer, and even when my husband is sick. I already know that you're going to say yes, because together we are perfectly imperfect. And there's not another person in the world for each of us that would put up with our shit. But hey, why not make it fucking cool and do it with Marty and Michael? Thanks boys. I love you, babe. So, I guess, the only other thing I need to say is, I buy, I'll get married. Yeah! Holy shit, she sounds so rad. Rita Marie Mullins and Michael Robinson are probably right now, engaged. Did she just ask him on the podcast? Yes! Yes, Matt! It's so smoky in here. It's hard to breathe. A lot of smoke from that fire. Can we open the front door, please? It's like middle of fucking summer and it is so hot. I am glazed. That was a bad time to have a fire, really. Maybe we shouldn't have burnt the puppy dog. But congratulations to Michael and Peter, it got engaged via the podcast. That's a first. That is fucking beautiful. We helped create love shit. We're cupids. I want to see... There will be, by the way, they're going to film his reaction and then we'll post it on our Mario and Michael fully actual Instagram account, okay? Oh! How exciting. The fuck are I getting? Fuck! We help. We help. We help. We bring people together. We make people fall in love. We're cupids, Matthew. Say that. We're cupids. Say it. I don't have any more. Say we're cupids. Yeah, but you're a cupid. Michael's got a fucking girlfriend, by the way. Yeah, we just said you fucked... I probably don't any more. Yeah, Michael has a girlfriend now, really. Matt, you will find a better one. They're just around the corner. Say we're cupids. I don't want to be a cupid. It's fucking cool to be a cupid. We're helping the world. I want to be in love. Yeah, cupids fall in love eventually. You fucking idiot! We're cupids. Say that. We're cupids. It's such a fun word. Cupid. Say it, please. No, I don't like it. Cupid. We're cupids. We're cupids. Very good, Matt. Direct diary entry. We only have one diary entry. I could only get my hands on one. One that got sent in by Santa. The one and the only. Believe it or not. Nicholas. Really? St. Nicholas from Finland. St. Nick. And let me tell you, the inner workings of Santa, I'm pretty excited to hear about. I don't know about you, too. Just his day-to-day thoughts on the world. He's been around a long time. Yeah, he's like a demon, I'm pretty sure. Yeah, yeah, he's killed many people. That kind of makes sense that he'd be a demon. Yeah, 100%. It's all a ruse. It's a disguise. He gets all the credit and all the parents going by the toys. Why do you think he wears red? And why do you think he breaks into people's houses? Can't. And he fucking hits horses so hard that they fly. And he kisses mummies. And he uses midgets as slaves. A demon could make a fucking weird horse with horns fly. And he keeps screaming about sluts? Ho, ho, hoes? He does. He's a horny bogey. He's just, he wants to just fly around screaming out for prostitutes. Yeah, fuck. Ho, ho, ho. He fucking gets little people. And fucking, it's like slave labor. 100% it is. I met a reindeer once. Aw, Matt, fuck off. Yeah, it's on my Instagram. Yeah, it doesn't matter. It was real. A reindeer is just a horse. Every time he brings up his fucking reindeer story. Oh, wait, Matt. Do you want to show your Christmas outfit? Hey. I took it off because it's hot. Oh, you've got two Christmas outfits. We are so Christmas today. I want to see my Christmas shirt. Yeah, come show your Christmas shirt. Arrange these sweat, man. Holy shit. The fire was about to, it's hard to breathe. I needed my puffer. And fucking, but it's Christmas. It's Matthew as Christmas. I've seen it. I'm going back. There we go, everyone. Matthew Gregory Brown. I spent a lot of time with you, sir. Reindeer. All right. Anyway, diary entry. Okay. From Santa. Here we go. Diary entry number 117. Yeah. Say no. It's great. We go. Okay. I'll start again. Diary entry number 117,289,576,316 from Santa. I woke up in my bathroom and my pants down and shit plastered on my ass cheeks. I had shit myself again. There was also blood in my vomit, so I must have been drinking last night. My head thumbed with every heartbeat and nausea crawled its way up from my stomach to my mouth. I attempted to stand, but the pain in my head was unbearable. I slumped back down on the floor and my vomit bubbled out of my mouth and into my beard. The smell of whiskey, blood and raw steak stained my skin. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a whiskey bottle with about a third left. I reached for it and down the whole bottle. Steve will do it, does it, and he looks healthy, so I figure this is fine. I wait for the whiskey to hit and it gently washes away my pain. Relief floods my body and I am finally able to stand. I wipe the shit from my ass and the elf corpse I found mangled deep in the toilet. I must have lost my temper again last night. After I used the mangled elf corpse to scratch the crusty dried shit off my fatty arse and legs, I stomped it down the toilet and laughed as I flushed. Ho, ho, ho, ho! Finally feeling somewhat myself, I stare at myself in the mirror, keep it together you fucking fat cunt! I leave the bathroom. I storm out and head towards the factory. Time for some fun. I felt an instant tension as I enter the room. The elves were all busily working but I could sense them and nervous of my presence. I slowly walk around observing little elf cunts waiting for a mistake. A button drops on the floor behind me and I turn. I storm over to the elf closest and bend down so I face a two centimetres apart. Did you just drop one of my fucking buttons? I whisper. I don't, don't please. It's my first ever mistake, Santa. I grab the elf's face mid-sentence and lift it into the air. It starts screaming and some of the other elves burst into tears. You want to see one? I miss the elves! You drop my fucking buttons! No one responds. I drop the elf. It crashes to the ground in a quivering, weeping mess. Then, while pointing and screaming at another particularly scared elf, I start stomping the skull of the clumsy elf on the floor. My heel explodes through the back of its skull, the third stomp and it's dead. While still maintaining eye contact with that one particularly terrified elf, I begin prodding the elf corpse with my erect flesh tube, then start wanking myself. Most of the elves were all now crying in fear which made me come fast. I slop my eggnog load onto the elf corpse and head to bed. Someone clean this and remember Christmas in five days so no more mistakes. I stumble off as I try to comb some vomit out of my beard. Time to hit Mrs. Claus, then go to the bar Merry Christmas you dumb-hot slaves! It's turned into fucking asshole. Woah, it definitely sounds like he has a drinking problem. It sounds like he has a boss of the tempo. Oh fuck, it went from, like, a button being dropped, which is quickly fixable to, like, everything. If it's five days before Christmas, what he did with the cleanup and everything. Yeah, it's losing an account of productive. Yeah, I think he's just trying to instill that fear with them into them, I guess. I don't know, but because I'm sure all of the elves, if they wanted to, could have a power center on his own, maybe. I don't know. No, he's a demon. He can, yeah, I guess it's about them realizing that. Yeah, that's a hundred percent the truth, Matt Brown. And do you know what it's time for, baby? What, on this day? It's, yeah. Yeah, you're right. I'm the producer. On this day in 1953, Celine Dion cut her fingers off with tin snips and planted them. She carefully placed her own shit around the fingers for fertilizer. She thought the ten Celine Dion's would grow out of the ten planted fingers, but they instead just rotted away and were eaten by foxes and maggots. Celine Dion rarely speaks about it, but in an interview in the nineties, she commented, I just want to ten of me to help out around the house. I don't think that's too much to ask for. She later had ten finger transplants from dead chimpanzees. She wanted to clone herself. Yeah, sounds like some other people that I know, Matt. Hmm. You and your fucking corporate mates down at Halsam. I know what you're up to in your big ivory tower, your big concrete structure. Have some concrete. Have some concrete. Divvying it out. Everyone have concrete. Everyone needs concrete. Every single one needs concrete. You don't need concrete to live, can't. If you don't have concrete, you're going to die. And that's Halsam's slogan. And then, yeah, if you don't take the concrete, you can't do shit. The piss on the table has blackened and now it has to. And now it is time for our secret Santa. Oh, this is going to get exciting. Yeah, who gets who's I'll give I'll give mine to Michael then. All right, let's go one at a time. One at a time. So people, so it's not confusing. OK, I'll give mine to Marty first. All right, here we go. He's must do my secret Santa first. Oh, it's a bottle of piss. I already know it's a bottle of piss, Matt. As soon as you said I found it outside, this is a bottle of Michael's piss. He's living out there for one of our side experiments. The experiment is leave piss in a plastic bowl and see what happens over a long time. I reckon you have to experience it and smell it. Oh, God, it's been like five. I know I am four months. I have five months. It's not that bad. This is a mistake. That is fucked. Cut. Oh. Oh, it's actually not that bad. Matt, no, dude, it's come on. I have a way of I guess I'm part of this. It's interesting. It's interesting science. It's fucking Christmas. Matt, this is what we do in our laboratories. I shot it into his nostrils. He's got it. So they can hear. He's at the sink. Oh, man. Actually, you give me a bit of a headache. So, yeah, that's all. That's good. Shit. Michael, make me a bottle of piss. Thank you very much. That's my own fault. That's my own fault. All right, Michael, your turn. OK, this one is for you, Matthew, but it's secret sand. I don't want it. You don't know it's for me. Here you go, Matt. We just threw it at his head down there. His bare hands off his head. I'm going to throw it to you, baby. Ha ha ha! Don't have to open it. Yeah, you have to open it. Go and sit down. You open it here. It's headphones. Exactly. What are you saying, Matt, man? For an Xbox. Exactly. Yeah, I did know that you have got a PlayStation, so I'll take those. You can return it. Here you go. Thank you. Sorry. And my gift to Michael. I wonder what it is. You wrapped it well. It's a bike, everyone. I got Michael a bike. Michael's a cyclist now. So there we go. And that's that's the secret Santa segment, everyone. That was just counting back. That's brilliant, baby. That was better than what I thought it was going to be. That's a fucking banger, man. I nearly vomited. Watch out for the cables and the wall there. This is getting heavy. Yeah, that's what I wanted. I wanted you to struggle with it. Perfect. That's great. Thank you. Yeah, put that there. Perfect. All right. There we go. Very hot. Very hot in here. It's all hot in here. It's so smoky. Is the door open? Yeah. It's actually cleared a bit. Should we light a joint? Oh, man. It's Christmas. Why not? Should I break? Oh, I forgot about. We're back, baby boy. Always smell my shit, bitch. Oh, shit. Do we have to do that, Matt? Or we just started? I think we started. That was it. We haven't ended. Oh, so we just we just do what we need to plan. We're going to keep that in. And we're going to keep all of that in though. That was a great entry. That was great. Okay. Anyway, we just had a little bit of a joint, making things a little bit chilly. And we're going to pick some of the questions that you guys had on the season finale that we did people comment questions, even though it was a season finale. Oh, there you go. There you fucking go. Someone actually wrote Xmas questions. Well, there you fucking go. Christmas fucking. Oh, wow. Okay. Let's get through some questions, baby. All right. First question is from Ash Grove. How did you know that? Bullshit. It's always from Ash. Cranked you. Oh, damn it. You had me then. Yeah, that was so. I think I've seen that name Ash Grove comment before. Oh, I must make Ash Grove. I can't. Yeah. Before we start. Yeah. Monaco is the second smallest country by area in the world. They are a country. So who said country? Marty did. I said they were a state of France. Okay. Well, I said America. Well, I thought it was. Yeah. I thought it was a few things. The friends. Sorry. Yeah, true. First question is from Candy Foss. Foss. Michael Marty. Foss. What was the worst gift you have ever received? It says from each other, but I like the idea of what's the worst gift you've ever received. Michael made it a thing through high school. He started it. He would bring the shit out of it. And then after high school he started it. He would bring the shit to school and have them nicely wrapped and then give them to like our Chick friends at school and I said, Hey, I got you a present for birthdays, for Christmas. And then they'd open it and it would be like a quarter of a carton of milk or like a fucking rubbish, a bit of rubbish or just real fucking shit gifts. Odd things around the household. It goes from a range of emotions, really excited like you are when you Like you are when you get a present especially when it's a big fucking present. It's always good if it's a big thing Anyway, and then it changes quick. Sometimes you can thank for friends piss in a bottle wrap it up Give it to your friend for Christmas. I promise you it's they'll remember it and You can also we should wrap a piss disc We should wrap a piss disc a piss disc is when you piss into a plate and you put it in the freezer And then you have discs you wrap it you wrap it and then you put it somewhere and the piss melts and you have Then it was a pain well smell though. What's it when some melts baby? Yeah, it reactivates the cone and and We yeah, like we want to do like a piss disc fire Yeah, a piss disc for women. Yeah, we're gonna matter each other. We're yeah, but we're scared of infections No, I'm already an infection from piss. Okay. Oh, okay, sweet. You have C fighters drink their own year Yeah, but what if it cuts like if Marty's piss cuts into my skin, they'll be like frisbees. I'll be like glass I think it'll be the same. It's not like um feces where it's okay. You've convinced me. We're doing it. Yeah. Yeah, we'll be fine Okay, what about if it's our neck our health's piss disc. We'll just have to have a like a neck guard there Maybe it's not like the nail gonna be shot put a pillow there or something couple of plastic balls of coca-ciclin there Jingle fucking laugh Christmas jingle next question is from Eric Bong burger Marty can you make some noises and yells that would make Michael and Matt laugh Let me see Michael just need sharp movements Oh Man, yeah, that is some good shit. Oh It was fun. Thank you worked at a mental hospital and all the patients haven't fucking Spazified to a son having epilepsy fit in the emergency room. He'd be plenty on the sneeze in my hands laughing his fist off That was so good Holy shit, that does sound like a good job, but they would yeah If I could like be a clown there and like a clown that just laughed at the mental hospital They pay me to just laugh and make them laugh. I'd have a good time Holy shit, that's a great idea. Oh Surely you'd get over on actually it's been fucking there would be some entertaining shit that would happen some weird shit Yeah Fuck it's like I'm just imagining like 20 of you Oh Very good very good. All right next question is from Richie Bates Richie's asked this question a few times and And I Kept going to ask it and then I just didn't make the cut Wow, but it's made the Christmas special Richie Bates is about time. Welcome to the I asked it like four or five times. I think Anyway Marty has Mon watched you laugh you lose to the laxative Olympics Mon has watched most of the website videos I've asked him not to watch the laxative video But you know, she has an account so she's free to do what she pleases But I've just warned her I'm said like, you know, you genuinely just don't want to see it It's not it's not it's not you're not our demographic. Come on. I said I said that We make fucked videos for some degenerates and Mon isn't that so but she's she's watched Yeah, she's watched a lot of fucked up shit a lot of things that just of your partner shouldn't see They shouldn't see these things and she sees it a lot all over the internet And she's got a good van next question is from chicken potatoes hmm Boys is non-alcoholic beer any good. Oh, it's a good. It's a good little halfway point Yeah, you haven't for a bit if you if you need it all the time and then no, I haven't been much of a beer Dude, it's a yeah, I can have fucking two or three beers and I just need some a different flavor in my mouth Yeah, I'm like she just a lot of lime sodas. That's my way to go Hmm petrol so what you were drinking on Saturday. I had about three. Yeah, I can't even remember a bourbon scum I was getting the fucking ball. We have vodka. I can go all right next question is from a Dakota Jane Livingston. Oh man Question for the podcast Mac. Can you please explain what it is to have someone? Oh, what it is to have someone someone what it is to have Someone how does it happen? Well, I don't think we can go into great detail about what having is I guess To be honest, she's got to be there. It's yeah. No, you don't want to ever be And you do not want to get how you'll know when it happens. All right, you'll know when it happens Let's just leave it at that. Yeah, it'll happen Naturally for some of you for others. It's not a natural thing. It's not a natural No, I don't know. I should be had his footsteps and I want you to have I'll be a whole lot deal Okay, it's a whole big thing. You don't want to mess around in it. You don't want to have anything to do Having yeah, that's fair. That's fair to say. Just don't fuck around with it. Just like that and fucking wheezy boards come In a dark place I'm doing on my own wheezy. I'm writing it down wheezy board I will be cuz you fucking you'll fuck with it and it will come in the both of our lives good great great content Okay, okay that think of the clicks That's all that matters that's been 25 grand even though it's fucking demonetized anyway brother the clicks don't even do I Have a lot of love Yeah All right still fuck you for the ad that's a great idea I say Next question is from LXT. This is a good one shag marry kill or fuck marry kill whichever one you want Santa the Grinch Rudolph Well kill the Grinch is evil. No, but you don't want it. I thought the Grinch is good I guess marry Rudolph because he'd be cool. He's not a human He'd be fun with you having a wife kill Santa. You could still have a second partner if you had Rudolph I reckon But you probably This the Grinch is green. So that's sort of I'm no unless you're a bad boy. The sex would be good Yeah, true Grinch might be the only one that you can fuck You can't do you can't fuck Santa Bad he's done you could like try and Look, he's a bit there. He does a bit of that in the middle, but he's Santa You can't do it to Santa. So what you'd kill Santa? No, I don't know. Hey, I'd marry the The unicorn fucking horse thing. Yeah, I'd marry that too because then you can fly. Yeah anywhere. Imagine I can honeymoon Yeah, I'd flip a coin. Oh, no, you can't kill Santa. I would I kill the Grinch and probably have to fuck Santa. I'm the other way. I'm Reindeer Santa no, but you can't kill Santa and I want to have the unicorn or the fucking Okay, now I'm Randy. I'm reindeer. I'm gonna fuck the Grinch or against bad boy. The sex would be great and Santa I would kill because fuck that guy. Yeah, he's evil. Oh, yeah, actually from what I've heard actually, yeah We gotta kill Santa. You're right. I'd kill Santa and fuck the green. What is it? Santa's a fucking monster. I don't think I'd be able to come. Yeah Well, it's like I don't know maybe go into it with the idea that it's like an alien and like I know It's like far out and crazy. So you just get real kinky think of Buffy the vampire I say where people will have a massive dick and balls. Yeah, but are you fucking him or is he fucking you? You can turn the lights off as long as there's a fuck involved. It don't matter who be coming and going, baby I'm sure it does. There's a whole difference Yeah, look penetration to giving it is docking docking parking. No, I don't Fuck fuck. I don't know. Maybe it depends. We fucking anyway. We'd have to look up the rules of it Removing myself from this conversation. I'd fucked it. I'd have to fuck the green fuck the goat I'd fuck the goat. I'd got kill Santa Isn't that what you fucking does or something isn't he sound fucking thing all that? I German Christmas German or Switzerland or some shit More Middle Eastern maybe no, I swear they have got goats more picture. Switzerland with goat is the most most eaten meat in the world Do you even go apparently? I have never had it. What's it? Is it chewy? Oh, yeah, it's alright. Is it like a lamb? No, they can't be right. I don't know where I heard that from. I think I'm sorry. Yeah, okay I've been to a country where there's nothing but goats ever. I guess cuz like in fucking Indian shit They don't eat cows in a lot of countries like yaks They they were against their religion. So cows are protected isn't a yak a cow though a yak is like a horse with a lot of hair and that has been meshed with a I'm gonna say a moose. Yuckity yak. Wow Oh, that's the horn shit that goes on hence the horns as mooses got horns. I get that. All right. Anyway, next question It's from Manuel Who's more likely to crush the others Christmas crush or crash crash Show up uninvited. Well for a long time before We were making money from Facebook and have partners every Christmas. We would have a Massive fucking drug party. We didn't go to our families We just had a just and would invite all of our friends that had no family to have Christmas with every year So it's a different bunch of people every year and then for a long time We would just get fucked up as fuck on Christmas go weird. Christmas is yeah But now it's it's family though, which is obviously the preferred thing. You don't want to be Oding on Christmas. Yeah, dude, that would have been a shit way to go a shocker to say the least Yeah, it would have been rough to Anyway, yeah, let's move on. Yeah, there were times congratulations to uncut great podcast Is that what they're called now life uncut life uncut We should ask them to come on They would oh man, they'd love to I'm sure they would no way They're all one type of people. They all sort of hang out together. We're the fucking weirdos. I'm who are unpredictable We're dark, but we're there two years in a row They were definitely new ones this year Yeah, yeah, there's hundreds of podcasts and a new one hundreds really man, but we're in there fuck Yeah, go us Alright next slay that's it. All right make some beautiful noise everybody I Guess that's squishing time for the Pope I We're gonna open the P. O box letters Matt. There's a letter for you. We're all letters. So it's kind of it's not bad But you know Things are cooler. So Matt, where's you can do these two Matthew Brown. Oh wait. Yeah Is that yours? Oh, it might be from the code guy. I'm pretty sure they're all from the code guy But you got one there. That's not from the code guy. I think oh wow Exciting. What is it Michael? It says sorry already somehow. It says sorry right there. Oh, wow. I'm scared That's a good surprise. How did they know? All right. Here we go first letter dear Marty tell Matt to shut the fuck up shut the Once my autistic cousin sent you guys something and Matt said it was weird. I like I Like Julian more than Matt. Anyways, here it comes Matt Matt if you ever say weird to my cousin oh shit on your mom's face And I will get my friends from preschool to jump you and shank you you pulled guns It goes on No wonder you were the biggest mistake in your parents line I'm done now, but these kind of letters. I do like I did for Matt the letters on ones I do for make a wish mostly people with leukemia like Matt. Okay. Goodbye for now Matt. You're a chode with a hot mom My god, that is intense. What a weird letter from a weird person. Oh, jeez. This is scary Okay What the fuck photoshopped image of like it's cool zombie it's sort of cool But um You've got like a third eye, but they're mouths Zombies it was just doused in LSD and now that we've touched it. We're gonna get really high. Wow That's that'd be that would suck cool. You've just any way. Let's all right. Not sure what this is Oh, Matt join do yours first Oh What is it may come forwards to the microphone baby, did you touch it Matthew? No, I think I'm on the edge Fuck we opened it before that's what we're whispering about Yeah, we saw that one. We're like, oh my god. It's the fucking cum shit again Everyone it's a cum letter Another cum letter and Matthew almost touched the cum Marty touched it last time I touched it the first one. There's some shades that fucking missed where he circled I'll read his letter. Dear Marty and Michael It's me the creepy guy. I just wanted to say congrats on your season finale Since this is the season finale Does that mean you're finished for the year and you start season 4 next year or season 4 starts next week or next I just want to say that I love you guys so much that there is not another paper with sperm and cum on it a congrats Congrats to you guys for your season finale also Marty Sorry about your dad leaving you when you mentioned it on the cling wrap vid dad left you Yeah, something like that happened to me. So this is it. I have dwarfism Which means I'm short and when my dad left me He gave me a box and said to open it in 14 years and it just and I just turned 14 last week I opened the box and in the box was a shit turd and a message saying little shit You fuck little shit. You fucked. Let's all have life a bath Anyways, thanks again Marty. Anyway. Anyway, thanks again. Let's all have a bath one day me Michael and Marty But not Matt the bald cunt By creepy pedo. Oh my god. There's a lot of fucking name calling, but yeah, I guess thank you for the semen again Yeah, that's lovely. That's absolutely lovely. Yeah, okay. We don't need to really see it man It's okay. What's it say in there? Oh man, my come anything for you guys. Oh, okay Fucking throw it on me. Why would you even say that baby now? I want to smush it into you know, no Okay, this says Not sure what the fuck this is. Sorry if it's shit. I'll send a box of goodies next year Thanks for all the laughs Andrew and he's what's his Instagram is does all the time stamps for us Andrew underscore AV underscore spotter. I gotta be so careful page to page one. All right here. We fucking go Yeah, I keep forgetting to be careful Why is everyone being so mean to me Christmas that you meant to be nice. Yeah, enough everyone dear Marty and Michael I have two questions first questions the pain is person who sent you this letter This letter to you saying show me X page is hot and stuff Podcast Marty gets a job at Bunning season 3 episode 35 What did show me say about the letter or the person who wrote it since you guys said you would call show me What so he sent a letter saying remember one letter was about how hot his charming's ex was Yeah, and now like he's wanting us to confirm that we are show me about that That's like I forgot to be honest. That's fucking incredible like he's really hung up on it. Well It's always new mine's really mean that's got another mean one. Let's see what he's got dear Matt Brown You're so bald you're basically a testicle with no pubes on it Testicle with no pubes dick Is the voice over that killed me Matt you say that was so good. Oh my god. Keep that That's a good artifact for when we retire one day. Maybe it would die. That would be better funeral Anyway, actually if he's getting if he's getting technical technically technically technically got hair still. Yeah, just not a Lot so I shave it. Yeah, it can't grow it everywhere What about you grow the sites like an old man shit? Would be so good. It'd be really good, but I can't some dudes look good with it fucking even the back bit seriously Shut the fuck I could Bruce Willis He grows his head. No, he grows the sides of it. He yeah, but he's like when it when he was your age He kept the sides. I have the sides. They're just shaved. Yeah. No, but grow them grow them out That means keep the sides not grow them Like I want to be Bruce Willis from diehard. He had missing top, but he kept the sides And now he's like 70. So you have to shave the whole thing. Don't you want to be Bruce Willis man? Okay, he had a bit of top hair, but he was okay Bruce Willis in 4.0 4.0. He has a shaved head. I had 4.0 as a shame We're gonna have a conversation the third one the third one. He's got hair on the side one He doesn't it's the same the whole nine yards. He's got hair around the sides and the back He was on friends to check that he was a whole ten yards. He was the second one actually dated Monica. No, he dated Rachel Really? Which one's Rachel? I don't know the names again. I forget Jennifer Aniston God Hey, do you know they bring out another scream movie with Monica in it? Excuse me another scream for you remember scream. That's where they did that like I did that they did they know and they've done another one. Yeah, well, they're all back. They're milking it They're all back anyway. Thank you for the PO boxes everyone keep them coming We go to the PO box regularly to check it. So if you want to send us something over the holidays, that's fine And the podcast will be back beginning of Feb. We don't know the exact day. Yeah, but maybe like the Let's have a star seven. Let's have a stab at a date. Okay. Let's go. Where's a good Monday? Okay, let's go the Tuesday. Did you say the seventh? Hmm. Yeah, possibly the seventh of the 14th of Feb, okay We don't know yet. All right, so fucking that's when we'll be back with season four Let's finish the podcast off with a good old-fashioned pink. Oh, baby. All right Here we go. I'm gonna miss it. Can you do something in German this Christmas? Sing me a German song in Christmas. No, no, no, no, no I need some waters for this to work So what Michael is about to do everyone? It's a very Michael prank call. He's going to or call Domino's make a big order and During and during the prank call. He's going to be vomiting into a bucket. Okay So, yeah, it's gonna be pretty cool Imagine being able to see it is all in there now Matt. I'll project our vomiting once after Drinking and it was like just water and it was just like a fountain. Oh That ever happened And then right at the end just say, oh, sorry, I'm not feeling well. I'm on after cancel Hold the thing. Hey mate. I'm just wanting to place an order for pickup. That's all right Can I get like a fucking? Have you got the Hawaiians? Can I have the Hawaiian? Have you guys still got the cheesy base? Yeah Can I get the Can I get the cheesy crust? Yeah, the Hawaiian on that. Is it the garlic one or still? I want the cheesy guy Yeah, can I get cheesy garlic? Oh Have you also got just like three pizza deal? I would like I just want to get a spicy fish as well Well, okay, and also, you know, get a margarita, but not with the not with the tomato Just on deep end with that one. Thank you didn't quiz me just didn't quiz me, please Yeah, I'll go with deep and I can't I can't man. I'm too sick. I Can't get there. I don't think mate Sometimes up something's up. There is something very funny about hearing someone throw up as they're ordering food Seem painful. Oh, dude, it is. It's never fun. Oh, man. Yeah, that you guys like Couldn't get up because the angle I realized I needed me over Oh That's Surely we'll win the award next year with content like that Thank you for seeing a Christmas special we'll see in about five or six weeks, baby Oh I'm done. I'm fuck it. It's time for bed