 RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music and first in television, presents transcribe the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show. For your enjoyment, here is the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show. Written by Ray Singer and Dick Chevrolet, with Elliot Lewis, Walter Tetley, Robert North, Janine Ruse and Whitfield, Walter Sharf and his music, and yours truly, Bill Foreman. A few days ago, Alice and Phil received this telegram from headquarters, American National Red Cross. Your repeated support of the Red Cross blood program has been an enormously important factor in providing this life-giving fluid for the wounded in Korea. Your continuing emphasis on the urgent need for blood would be greatly appreciated. In just a moment, you will hear how Alice and Phil answer this telegram. But first, a word from RCA Victor. One of RCA Victor's most recent developments is a completely new circuit system for home receivers. A circuit system that now brings you television with picture power. And the perfect illustration of RCA Victor's new supersets with picture power is the Hampton. The Hampton is a beautifully styled television consulate, and it brings you the clearest, steadiest pictures you've ever seen, thanks to picture power. The new circuit system and electronic supercharger built into the Hampton assure you the clearest reception possible in your area. Trust RCA Victor to give you the best in television. And when you buy the Hampton, be sure to ask about the RCA Victor factory service contract. RCA Victor television with RCA factory service is television's greatest combination. Your assurance of complete satisfaction is the name RCA Victor, cornerstone of home entertainment for three generations. And now the stars of the RCA Victor program, Alice Faye and Phil Harris. Alice's brother William called a little while ago to tell Phil and Alice that he's coming over with some important news for them. As we look in, he is just deriving. Good morning, everybody. I've just been down to the Red Cross and I did something I'm very proud of. Guess what? You left one of your heads there for the bandaging class. Willie, what did you do? I went down to the Red Cross and made a donation. You donated something? Yes, I gave a pint of my blood. Oh, I know it couldn't have been money. Look, Willie, you can't afford to give any blood. You got barely enough to get by on. You don't look too strong, you know. Philip, don't be facetious. I happen to have an unusual physique. You should see me stripped. I look just... Please, Willie, I just ate. You're the skinniest guy I've ever seen. Oh, Phil, he's not that skinny. Oh, no, if he don't stand in just the right position when he's taking a shower, he don't get wet. Don't kid him, Phil. He did a very noble thing donating to the blood bank. Yeah, I guess he did. I'm sorry, Willie. And I'm really proud of you, kid. They need blood now, and everybody should go down and give some. I knew you felt that way about it, Philip, so I pledged a pint of yours. Well, I think that that's mine. What do you mean, giving my blood away like that? That stuff don't grow on trees. Phil, they need your blood. They need it. What am I supposed to use, borscht? I'm a little anemic now, dear, and if they take my blood away, well, I won't be able to face my barber. What's your barber got to do with it? It's going to be embarrassing if he cuts me while he's shaving me and nothing comes out. Philip, you're not anemic. I made an appointment for you at the Red Cross for this afternoon, and you'd better be there. Well, I'd love to help, but, um, hey, tell me, Willie, does it hurt much? Of course not. There's nothing to it. Well, how does it affect you after? There's no after effect. I just had it done, and look at me. That bad, huh? Stop being such a sissy. It's perfectly harmless. The need is for repeated donations. Many people give every three months. You mean this can get to be habit-forming? That's a good thing for you to make a habit of. Well, I already have one habit. You see, I bite my nails a lot, and I've been doing it. And I've just, mm, I've just been doing it so long, that it's just, mm, it's just hard for me to break in a new one. You know, I mean, it just... Oh, you big jellyfish. Well, look, Philip, I made an appointment for you at four o'clock today, and I expect you to show up. All right. Hey, did you say four o'clock? Oh, I couldn't possibly make it at four tea time, you know. And Princess Elizabeth would hate if I missed my tea in trumpets. No custom, you know, tea. Yeah, well, they give you tea down there. Any other excuses? Uh, I can't think of any offhand, but... Then you'll go. All right, all right, I'll go, I'll go. But if anything happens to me, it's gonna be your fault, Willie. And I'm warning you, if I die, I'll never talk to you again as long as I live. Nobody's going to happen to you. It's your patriotic duty to do it. Yeah, I guess you're right. It's everybody's duty. Well, I'll tell you something. I'm going to go, but I'll get everybody I know to go down there, and they'll possibly... Uh-oh, I'll get that. Hi, Curly. Hey, Frankie. Hey, you know something, just the guy I wanted to see. Yeah? Look, um, Francis, um... You'd like to do something for your country, wouldn't you? Why, what did Audemont Goley ever do for me? Not talking about your fatherland. Talking about the country you were smuggled into. America. Oh, that's different. What do you want me to do? Well, you see, I got it all fixed. I've arranged for you to do something that is very patriotic. If you have me drafted, I'll punch you right in the nose. Frankie, I wouldn't do that to any country. All I want you to do is to come down to the Red Cross with me. They're calling for donors. I'm going to donate a pint, and I want you to give a pint. Okay. I'll give bourbon. What are you going to give? Never thought you'd say that line. I'm going to give blood. Now, why didn't I think of that? It's cheaper than bourbon. It's easier to... Ramley! Look, I'm serious. The Red Cross needs blood donors. And I want you to come down with me today and give some. Well, I'd like to, but I can't. What's the matter, kid? You scared? No, it's not that. Frightened, huh? No, that's not it either. You're yellow. That's it. Well, you feel. I'm a little afraid myself, but look, really, we ought to do it. Well, if you think so, okay. Sure. They need good red blood like ours. Oh, red blood? In that case, they couldn't use mine. Your blood ain't red? No, it's sort of a forest green. Don't worry. They'll take it anyway. Well, tell them it ain't ripe yet. You're going with me right now and don't argue it. Can't we put it off till some other time? What for? I tell you, there's nothing to worry about. Willie said it's very simple. Now, buck up and be a man. Conquer your fear like I'm doing. We're going through with this, and I'm gonna... Oh, Bill? Yeah? It's three o'clock, dear. It's time to go. Time to go? Already? Well, don't just stand there, Ramley. Think of some way we can get out of there. Believe me, I'm thinking. Oh, hello, Frankie. Hi, Alice. Are you going to the blood bank with Phil? Uh, well, I'd like to, but I can't. You wouldn't expect me to give blood on my wedding day. Your wedding day? Well, Frankie, whom are you marrying? Me. Come, Francis, dear. Let's leave for the church. You know, we mustn't keep the minister waiting. All right, all right. Come back here. I never saw such babies as you two. But, honey, are you sure they want our blood? Of course they do. You're two strong, healthy specimens. Now, it would be different if you were sick than they wouldn't take it from you. They don't take it if you're sick, huh? No. No, but you're not sick. Now, what's the matter with you? It's my armpits again. Hey, oh, I suffer. Step aside, Ramley, and let a man in there who knows how to suffer. Curly, please, this is no time to sing. I'm in pain. Very credently, didn't you feel? Now, what's wrong with you? Well, I got a chicken pox, chicken pox. And I can prove it. I've heard everything. No, you haven't. Well, you hear what I got. How's the Liber Augustine, Augustine, Augustine, How's the Liber Augustine, Alice, this hen? Now, what's that? German measles. There's nothing wrong with you physically. Now, come on. Let's get down to the Red Cross, huh? Oh. Let's see. The blood bank is on this block someplace. Oh, fellas, come on. Stop lagging behind. It's five minutes to four. We're coming, Alice, as fast as our gout-ridden legs will carry. Hey, Curly, we're getting awful close. Can't you think of something? I'm trying. I'm trying. All right, fellas, here we are. Let's go in. Alice, I'm afraid this is going to hurt. If anything hurts my pink little body, you're going to really get... Will you please stop it? Let me explain how simple this is going to be. First, you fill out a form, and they give you an examination. After that, they take your blood, give you a drink, and you go home. Well, I don't care if they drink. This must be to play. Yes, Abraham. Let's go to the bar and see what they got. That won't look like it's going to be necessary. Here comes the guy in the white coat, old bartender. Give me an old-fashioned with soda. I am not a bartender. I'm a doctor. Okay, then make it with Robin out, though. Doctor, I hope you'll forgive my husband. You see, he was told you served drinks here. Oh, we do. We pass around tomato juice, orange juice, tea, milk. Please, doc, you're making me nauseous. Doctor, we're here to his donors. Well, that's very nice of you people. We appreciate you coming down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look, doc, take it now. Let's get it over with, huh? Not so fast, sir. First, you'll have to fill out these donor registration cards. I'll be back for them in a minute. Alice, can't we call this whole thing off? Yeah, I'm beginning to lose my nerve. Oh, nonsense. Just relax, Phil. Do what you usually do when you're nervous. Okay, I will. Alice, is he gonna... Yes, he is. So you might as well get your guitar out and accompany him. They call you lady luck, but there is room for doubt. At times, you have a very un-lady-like way of running out. You're on a date with me. The pickings have been lush. And yet, before this evening is over, you might give me the brush. You might forget your manners. You might refuse to stay. And so the best that I can do is pray. Luck be a lady tonight. Luck be a lady tonight. Luck, if you've ever been a lady to begin with. Luck be a lady tonight. Be a lady luck, be a lady. Luck, let a gentleman sing. Let a gentleman sing. How nice a name you can be. How nice you can be. I know the way you treated other guys you've been with. Luck be a lady tonight. Tonight be a lady luck. A lady doesn't leave her escort. It isn't fair. It isn't fair. It isn't nice. It isn't nice. A lady doesn't wander all over the room. And blow on some other guy's eyes. So let's keep the party polite. Never get out of my sight. Stick with me, baby. I'm the fella you came in with. Luck be a lady. Luck be a lady. Luck be a lady tonight. Whenever you're ready, we ought to go steady. Luck be a lady tonight. If you've ever been a lady to begin with. Luck be a lady. Let a gentleman sing. How nice a name you can be. With other guys you've been with. Luck be a lady with me. A lady doesn't leave her escort. It isn't fair. It isn't nice. A lady doesn't wander all over the room. And blow on some other guy's eyes. What's the sitting around here bleeding and he's singing? Sometimes I wonder if he- Well folks, did you fill out your cards? Yep. Here you are, Doc. Glad to have been a service to the Red Cross. Anytime you need me again, just call me. So long. If you follow my instructions, you'll be on your feet no time. Come back here. Just the first step. Let me see. Yes, your cards are all in order. Now I'll take a sample of your blood, Mr. Harris. What do you need a sample for? What are you gonna do? Send a salesman on the road with it? I need a sample to determine your type. Give me a hand. I just prick your finger with this needle and take a drop. Do it to my first wife. I mean to my wife. And do it to her. All right, Doctor, I'll go first. Here's my finger. Thank you. Just hold it steady. It's all over. You see, Phil, I didn't even feel it. It's that simple, huh? Ain't nothing to it. Here's my finger, Doc. Shoot the works. Take two drops. Hold still. There. You pulled a knife on me. I'd like two, but we need you. Mr. Remley, let me have your finger. But, Doctor, I don't think... Hold still. There. Now I know where a woman goes through with she has a baby. Oh, mother, take it easy. Back as soon as I have this blood type, I had to be a doctor. I should have listened to my father and become a licensed plumber. Phil, I never saw such a disgusting display of cowardice. I am not a coward. It's just that we musicians are sensitive souls. Yeah. Hey, look, Curly, I can't stand any more of this torture. I'm going home. Me, too. Oh, you're not going any place, Phil. You come down to give a pint of blood and you're going to give it. What's she after, Curly? Your insurance money? I don't know, but I guess we got to go through with it, Remley. There ain't no way out. If we could only think of a... People care for something to drink. We have tomato juice, orange juice, milk, or... Oh, look, lady, I'm 100 years old. Will you go away? I don't want to look trouble. Hey, wait a minute, Curly. I got an idea. Come here. What do you want? I think I know a way we won't have to give them our blood. What are we going to give them? What does tomato juice look like? It looks red and it looks like blood. The next time that girl goes by, you cop two cups of tomato juice. Here she comes, Curly. When she passes me, I'll lift two cups off. Tomato juice, orange juice, hot tea, you know. I got them, Curly. Good. I'll keep them behind you so nobody will see them. Okay. Reach them back. I'll slip you one. Got it. Well, Mr. Harris, I just typed your blood and it's okay. Now, if you'll follow me into the donor's room... No, no, no. That won't be necessary, Doc. While I was waiting for you, I thought I'd save you a little time so I took my own blood out. You took your own? Yes, sir. Here you are, Doc. A whole cupful of the stuff. Pretty, ain't it? Honest now, did you ever see blood as rich as that before? No, I haven't. And it's the first time I've seen yellow blood with pits in it. Pits? Well, you heisted orange juice. I'm kicking about. I got hot tea with a bag in it. I'm a busy man, so if you brownies are through play... What type of blood do I have? Your type A, Mrs. Harris. How about me? Your type O, Mr. Harris. What type's my blood, Doc? That we haven't been able to figure out. We've put it through every test known to medical science and the results are a little startling. What do you mean? Well, your type of blood is found only in prehistoric monstery. Are there any Neanderthal men in your family? Nobody's got an ant that looks like a dinosaur. Curly please, that's no way to talk about my ant brontosaurus. What's wrong with my blood? Well, for one thing, it's not liquid. It has the consistency of well-chewed bubblegum. No wonder every time I cut myself, there's a loud pop. Well, I guess in that case, you won't be able to use my blood, will you, Doc? We'll take it. We'll find some use for it. It should be wonderful for sealing wax. We could use it for blowout patches or... All right! Now, a few folks just wait right here. I'll send one of my assistants in to take your blood. Oh, thank you, Doctor. And fellas, you stay right here. I'm going over to get some juice. It won't work. We tried it. How can two grown men act like suckers? Oh, hello, Julius. What are you doing here? I help out my spare time. I pour the juices they pass out. What are you doing here? Well, I came down to be a donor. And I brought Mr. Harris and Mr. Remly down, too. Oh, you brought them to the wrong place. This is where we take it, not give it. Where are they? Well, they're right over there. They're waiting for the doctor's assistant to take their blood. Oh, I better go over and welcome them. Excuse me. Oh, what an opportunity. Julius, what are you doing here? Come on, Remly. Let's get out of here. We came down to give our blood. I'll be glad to take it. Julius, we want this done the right way. Now, should I roll up my sleeve so you can take it from my arm? Don't bother. I'm going to be a wise guy besides we ain't going to let you do it. Well, that sounds a little safer. How do we do this? It's simple. Here's a sharp razor and a five-gallon can. It's from a maple tree. You mean? You are sure. One little spiket. I'm unwilling to do my share, but I ain't going to let this little leech touch me. There's other ways you can help out, Mr. Remly. Yeah? I can get you a job here as a model. A model at a blood bank? Yeah. You stand... This kid's got to go. Let's finish him off now. Take it easy. Take it easy now. Don't rush into it. Let's take our time and think of a nice gruesome way to get rid of him. All right, fellas. I was the only kid, and I don't take the blood the doctor does. And he's already even feeling it. That's the guy we want to see. Call the doctor. Okay. Have him get rid of him right now. Roger, I got him. What do we do to him? Oh, just add live until we find a vital spark. I got me a fulfilling... Down the corridor. You're ashamed of yourselves scaring this poor little child. Dear poor atmosphere. Well, you know, just follow me, please. Come on, boys. Well, I guess that's it, Remly. Yeah. Well, if we have to go, let's go out like men. With a smile on our faces. There you are, fellas. It's all over, and there was nothing to it. Ha-ha, man, that was a cinch. You know, the doctor's a pretty clever. You don't feel a thing. How do you feel, Frankie? Great. Just think, Curly. I gave a whole pint of my blood to help somebody else. I'm quite a guy. Well, I gave a pint, too, you know. I'm just as proud of it as you are. Alice, you know what it feels like. You know what it feels like to give part of you to somebody else. I also gave a pint. Yeah, but that's just women's blood. That don't count. Just think, Curly. Today we gave our blood. Tomorrow they'll be using it to help a couple of soldiers. Or they might give it to two little kids who need it. Yeah. Hey, Rem, hmm? I can just see those two little kids walking around with our blood in them. The same blood that flows through our... Hey, Remly, hmm? You think we did the right thing? Yeah. Those kids are young. They'll outgrow us. Phil will be back in just a moment. Have you ever looked in the back of your television set? If you have, you probably noticed the complex network of tubes, wires, and parts, which helped produce the picture on the screen of your picture tube. But when you think about it, the picture is only as good as the picture tube itself. That's why your picture tube is really the heart of your television set. And that's why it pays to insist on the best tube available, an RCA tube, when your present picture tube wears out. You see, every RCA picture tube is manufactured with precise quality controls at every stage of production, assuring you a clearer, brighter, sharper picture for a longer period of time. And an RCA picture tube costs you no more. So, regardless of the make of your set, ask your local repairman to install a genuine RCA picture tube. Then you're sure of enjoying the very best that your television set has to offer. Folks, this is Phil again. Alice and I want to thank Louis C. Buchever for his telegram from the American National Red Cross headquarters. And we hope that this program tonight will convince everyone that to donate your blood is completely painless. So act tomorrow. The need is great. When you give your blood, you're giving life itself to our wounded. Good night, everybody. Next Theatre Guild on the Air stars Claudette Colbert and McDonnell Kerry on NBC.