 A few seconds Little while on him Y'all got forgiven. Let me take my eye patch off If I get this he'll set up, you know, you too take a little while and send this here What's it like Friday night and everybody in the bed See Situated Want to pop on here. I think I turned off the chat and the reason why I turned the chat off is just because a lot of people have not worked on themselves and When you touching on certain things and people haven't worked on themselves they come and they They bleed all over everybody else and I was noticing that with my the video I posted earlier Where I've been doing this long enough, you know and been in the trenches and I've made the mistake of Jumping to conclusions, you know, I made the mistake of just looking at what something looks like on the surface and Not going behind the scenes and not looking to see and and a lot of times What people we we come to this thing to where we're so quick to say victim blaming or victim shaming without even understanding that there is such a thing as provocation and There is such a thing as people not knowing how to handle being provoked so a lot of times Men or women will say hey There's never a reason for this and that may be true, but that's not real life so if we don't understand that By us going into a situation If we're not very diligent and we're not very attentive What is right or what is fair? Does not matter But what I've been noticing is that a lot of common sense is Going over our head and we're not really understanding and we're looking at situations from our trauma And we're looking at it from our Experiences instead of understanding that in a relationship There's always two sides to the story and The third side would be an outsider's interpretation Because each person will have their truth, but then the outsider will have their interpretation and What we also have to look and realize is that Some people take and handle things The wrong way So if you go into a situation And you don't learn from a situation y'all I forgive my thing So if you go into a situation and you don't analyze it This is what will mesh round and it'll get somebody Ended because here's the thing. This is what I try to help people understand is My dad taught my sister this at a young age Because she hit me and I hit her back But I'm two years older than her and I'm stronger than her So when I hit her back She felt it it hurt her and my sister went to my dad and she was like hey daddy Tony hit me He taught her a very valuable lesson as a young woman knowing that one day she's gonna be in a relationship With a man. He said tisha Don't hit somebody and Then expect them not to hit you back harder so he taught her a very very valuable life lesson because what we're doing today is We're telling people hey You can say whatever you want to say Do whatever you want to do and at note that no time should someone ever Respond in a way that you don't like Instead we should be saying hey you got to learn people and you got to see how somebody was raised You got to see how somebody moved because You may come in and say oh well. I just said this or I only did that but if you don't take into consideration how that person was raised and Where that person's mental makeup is You could end up costing yourself because you were under the idea that You could say or do Whatever you want to say or do and so in the Kiki Palmer situation I'm not saying that's what happened I'm saying that's the lesson that you have to take from these Situations that happen in front of us. We can't just take it and go and say well. Oh Well, that should have never happened So I'ma keep I'ma keep cussing somebody out. Well, I'ma keep poking the bear because a Physical response should never be the response. We don't get to determine how somebody responds So we have to make sure that we are a defensive driver So it's like this right here. You have to think about this if you in the road and What I was talking about how sometimes abusers they want control and they feel like they're losing control then they will lose they mind and You have to be able when you get to know somebody you got to pay attention to their cues Because one thing that does not happen And when I say does not happen, I mean 99.9% of the time which is a figure of speech one thing that Does not happen is where you wit somebody and they show zero signs Like they've never yelled. They've never cursed They've never been controlled and they've never been jealous Like where they show zero signs and then all of a sudden one day they just put hands on them if You if you look back at it, you will see Where okay? Mm-hmm that yell Mm-hmm cursed at me Mm-hmm slamming doors Mm-hmm trying to dictate how I dress who I talked to how long I talked to him Mm-hmm, you know what so you have to understand Where you have maladaptive behavior? Before the maladaptive behavior, there is an antecedent behavior So what we do a lot of times is we will take because I remember I remember talking to a guy and He told me he's like yeah, ma'am a lady We got into an argument and she punched me in the nose She punched me in the nose broke my nose and then she grabbed me and she body slammed me on the car Well, his woman Was like a fighter She was like a fighter. You know like a Rhonda Rousey so Somebody who trained as a fighter somebody who she played football. She played in the women's football league So she was a linebacker So she had to learn how to Throw her body around so here's this guy. He's trying to be the bigger man. He's like a a man does not put hands on a woman and But his woman She took advantage of that and she punched him in the nose and then she grabbed him and slammed him on the hood of the car So that's what I mean is when you look in that Life you can't ever take and get comfortable to where you say, oh a person will never respond like this Or a person will never respond like that. You have to pay attention to the signs and you have to pick up the cues and so just how Everybody says Anytime I try to talk about the physical difference between verbal Abuse and physical abuse somebody who was Verbally abuse and they still are hurting from it or they still could feel the pain from it They will say hey verbal abuse is just as bad as physical abuse and it could be worse and That is true to an extent Because if you say something verbally to me It may make me Suicidal or homicidal But the words did not take my life. I Would have to do that, but now if you take it you hit me in my temple Now that physicality can end me right away So one is like a slow drip and one is boom is sudden And so but both are dangerous So you have to understand where You can't just look at it and say oh well, I rather be slap Then cursed out every day Because one day one of those licks could end you and So there's a lot of relationships That normalize abuse There's a lot of people who normalize this and they say hey This is what it is. This is a relationship. This is love a lot of people normalize this because They seen it growing up or they heard about it. So they take and say oh, this is this a part of a relationship and that's dangerous Because it only gets worse The longer you go the longer you stay the worse it gets Because when someone is acting out in an abusive way, what that is doing is It's giving them a release so you ever seen somebody who Because they were in a toxic relationship and they were always arguing They was always fussing. They was always fighting When they get out that relationship and they go into another relationship if the relationship is calm They feel uneasy They feel like something is off and so they will take and start an argument start a fight because their brain gives a release to the bloodstream from that raised voice From that arguing and it becomes a twisted form of bonding That's why you see the articles about arguments being good for a relationship Really what they saying without saying it what they overlooking is the The release that the brain does from the arguing So it's it's sometimes people will be arguing and they will get turned on Because of the release from the brain and because of the communication So somebody could take for example a woman could be trying to get a man to communicate and The man is like I'm good. I don't want to talk about it. I'm good And then when she mess around and call him a name you Such-and-such such-and-such Now he get mad he go off Who what you doing? Why you told me like that? See this thing? And so now When she goes off He then gets angry and he responds any behavior that is recognized and Rewarded repeats itself So now the woman says oh If I try to talk cool calm and collected he'll just shut down and he won't talk So I got to call him out of his name to make him mad Then he gonna open up and talk So now They just formed a language of abuse so we in relationships that the relationship is a game of manipulation and The thing about manipulation is it's very dangerous Because when you are Manipulating and when you're playing mind games you never know when a person reaches their edge You never know when the mind games Push someone to the edge So yes, there is such a thing as and I seen a lady comment this she said she said that She say her man would like Say be verbally abusive. He would be verbally verbally verbally abusive and he would be Like just poking the bear poking the bear poking the bear then she say they would get in public And he knew how to like Just whisper a little something just say something and then when she go off She looked crazy And this is the thing what people are overlooking Is that in these relationships? It's not as common for someone to be a complete 100% bystander It happens but it's not as common as it is for one person to use one form of abuse and the other person Respond with another form of abuse So this is the thing and it could go either way But the more you study relationships and the more you look around and the more you analyze them You will see that today the reason why so many relationships are miserable is because the Relationship isn't the art of love. The relationship is the art of manipulation so you have women who will use sex to Emotionally abuse their man and then you have men who will use finances to emotionally abuse their woman then you have sometimes one person who will use verbal abuse and Then the other person will use physical So one person could be verbal and they slice and dice and with their words Then the other person gets angry and they get physical Now here's the thing when you look at the human experience you will see this even in your children You will see in children where one child could say something to this other child and this other child They just haul off and hit the person Now you don't necessarily Call the child Abusive you may say this child short-circuited this child got a temper This child you yell at him or her they've been swaying and that's how how their brain is wired So as adults we have to realize like hey Just because I don't want to get physical and I just want to you know sword fight with words. It doesn't mean that the person I'm dealing with knows how or have the cognitive ability to Sword fight with their words, too Some people when they are pushed to a edge They come out swinging so where so people will say hey You know, there's never ever There's never a time where someone should put hands on somebody else Yes, that sounds good. It sounds good, but it's not reality You have to be rooted in reality Because you're telling yourself that there's never a time and there's nothing that you say or nothing that you do Should ever warrant someone getting physical with you You're going to get yourself hurt because you don't know how this person is wired You don't know and so we get so caught up as humans being being short-sighted that We don't understand that there are explanations for behavior and an explanation is different than an excuse so you have to understand the difference between an explanation and an excuse and you have to also understand that We become a Reflection of the person we're with and when we are no longer a reflection or they're no longer a reflection of us We remove ourselves from the relationship So just how and this is the thing now I haven't went and read about it, but I think I've just read a headline that said That the ex-girlfriend of Jonathan majors thing that's his name was arrested For domestic violence After she but she filed a case on him so Here's the thing for everybody in the me-too movement For everybody in you know these different little movements could have immediately Just wrote him off But I've gained the wisdom now to look and say listen. We don't know who guilty in this This is what it says, but it's gonna take time to see what was done and What what the real truth is and so when I came and not what I was talking about I was saying a You know make good she didn't be standing beside him with the allegations. Yeah, we're not saying you stand beside him But not publicly Because you got a brand and you got a name and then what if he is guilty so let him know you you support him in all of that But don't just go throwing your name out there the Bible say be slow to be insurance for a man so we have to understand this but now when you look into it so there is such a thing as Somebody take it and saying hey I Want to be able to get out of this in a certain way I want to be able to Hit here's the thing to where like Somebody can figure out someone's triggers and they can say hey, I want to take and paint this person Like this as an abuser So I know that this person can't handle when I say this or when I do this They lose it. They could be diagnosed bipolar or something if they went and got the test done and So because I need to have this alibi I'm gonna say this and say that and do this and that and then when they go off Now they look crazy See when you study relationships enough you realize that is a possibility So you don't just jump to the conclusion and say okay This person is solely responsible and the other person had nothing to do with this instead You say okay, let me look a little deeper and let me understand that sometimes even in the letter of the police report It don't tell the whole story Just like when the police take the life of somebody unarmed the way the police write it It's gonna make it look like this was a thug who just was disobeying the law and made the police scared for their life but Dead man can't speak But if you could see both sides of it Then you may see like whoa hold on now this person ain't put your life in threat police officer You just overreacted and you took this person like That's what you have to understand when you looking into abuse when you in a relationship You have to make sure that you're paying attention to the signs of this person You also have to make sure That you are not provoking the person Nor are you reinforcing the person? So what happens is a lot of times in the infancy of a relationship? We reinforce toxic behavior and so reinforcing the behavior is like watering a plant or like better term feeding a monster so if you reinforce meaning by staying and Forgiving and forgetting if you reinforce being controlled Being told where you can and can't go what you can and can't wear who you can and can't talk to if you Reinforce that you're feeding the monster If you reinforce being yelled at if you reinforce being cursed at Now what happens is you're feeding the monster. So what'll happen is? At first the little control is disguised as cute. It's just it's disguised as care It looks like no, I don't want you to go out to the club You know with your friends. So it's like, oh, they want to spend time with me You know what that's so that's so respectable That's so nobody want to spend time with me and so you you reinforce it as oh, that's cute But what you don't realize is that's the seeds of real control Because you still should have a life you still should be able to go see your family go see your friends And so with grown boys and grown girls Like it happened both ways and this what people don't understand It happened both ways. So you'll have I See men who will be like, hey You talking to your mom too much. Are you talking to your brother too much? Well, you talking to your daddy too much like you need to be confiding in me You need to be talking to me more and they'll be like that then I see I see women who they're like, hey You you seeing your child too much you getting your child from your baby mama too much You spend too much time with your child You don't need to spend every weekend with your child some weekends You could spend it with me and so now these on both sides the male and the female the man and the woman a So in seeds of control When you don't check it and say listen that is controlling that is jealous that is insecure and I'm not gonna stand for that When you ignore it in the infancy Now you feeding it and it becomes full grown. It's no longer infant then it become a toddler Then that thing, you know, it's a teenager then that thing, you know, there's a full grown Insecurity or full grown controlling behavior and then it'll go from verbal To physical and sometimes in there it may go verbal then it may go social Then it may go financial Then it may go physical so With the Kiki Palmer situation We don't know what happened. We don't know yet We could see that he went after her and We could see that and so we know he wrong for that But we also don't know his mental makeup We also don't know the antecedent behavior. We also don't know what was said to him What was told to him and as adults people say, oh, you just to find the behavior No, not just to find the behavior everybody and a mama know that it's wrong But we also as humans know that there are situations where even us Will overreact or we will do something that we know is wrong Because of what was said to us or because of what was done to us or because of our mental Pickup or because of our own trauma. It doesn't make what we did right It doesn't excuse what we did but it is in an explanation of what was done. So like the case where The young lady she ended up getting charged and I think she got prison time Because she was texting her dude and she was like you walk the You ought to end it like you need to end it like you need to end it and she was using her power She was using her power. She was using her influence and the verbal was breaking him down breaking him down Well, somebody could look at first somebody when that happened before the text messages got released Everybody was like, oh another another crazy young man another lost young man another, you know, just lost Lost lover, you know another young man But then when they released the text messages and they seen how she was poking the bear poking the bear poking the bear How she kept stoking them stoking them stoking them and then boom. He finally did what she said do That don't make what he did right But then you get a you get to see What the antecedent behavior was you get to see the provocation So guess what in the court of law? Although he took his own life She was charged criminally for Coercing him to that So this is why you have to understand that in these situations You got to look at and you've got to hear both sides So then you can understand the stimuli and you can understand the outcome You can understand the reaction You you have to understand the antecedent behavior or identify the antecedent behavior When you are analyzing the adaptive behavior and that's where you start to realize that okay this person They overreacted To this right here Situation that they was dealing with so they miss handle they stress they miss handle they trauma They handle so whereas this person should have been going to therapy and they should have on and getting his help They didn't go get that help instead They did what they thought Was the right thing to do or what they thought was necessary and then the other person who became The victim in the physical sense They did not pay attention to the cues They did not adhere to the cues and say oh This right here. I don't went too far with this. This got too deep now the exception to the rule is when The cues were not there like the cues were so hidden and that's why I say it's caveats and nuances It's never one size fits all but when you analyzing something you have to make sure you're not analyzing when you're looking at somebody else situation You got to make sure you're not looking at it from your own trauma From your own pain. You got to make sure that you're not looking at somebody else situation and Taking out your anger for what happened to you because What happened to us may be an exception to the rule or it may just be our experience and not theirs But when you taking you look at it holistically then you get to understand where a lot of times what's happening in couples couples are bonding over their trauma and The abuse is both ways, but it's different forms but each form is reinforcing the other and so There's this there's this fine line. There's a fine line sometimes of where a Man or a woman may have an idea that Love is pain So if a person is wrapped up in their head that love is pain love is pain love is pain And if they're not experiencing pain They didn't say what there must not be love So then they start to Exhibit these behaviors They start to do what they saw as triggers From their parents or whoever they grew up around they start to do those things Because they say okay If I'm not getting this response that mean I'm not loved that mean that we're not really writers We not really know real couple that like they had a guy who go out in the streets and They interview the young ladies and I remember remember seeing one of those street interviews and one of the young ladies she said Yeah, I want to do like She was like I'm kind of toxic like I want my dude to like slap me up sometimes like I want my dude to you know do this right here like put hands on me and She was a Caucasian Young lady and with you know a lot of time people associate Race a culture and think that one race better than other and oh this racer never do that So when she said that I'm like man That's crazy, but you know what that's a learned behavior But what she don't realize is She's associating physical abuse with love But what she doesn't realize is she doesn't get to determine the extent of that So where she's saying She won't this guy to do this to her She don't get this. She don't get to determine If when that happened when if he gonna stop If he if he if he know how to turn that switch off and that's why you have to check Your trauma at the door You got to go get you some therapy and get you some coaching to make sure that you're not a willing participant in this situation and The thing about it is there's no foolproof way other than dating slowly and Looking for the signs and paying attention to the signs because if you go too far if You get in too deep it becomes harder and harder to leave Because when children get involved when sharing incomes get involved When the whole community know you together when you got a pretty picture in public When you got businesses together You never know When too far is too far like I just seen a young lady post Seeing a young lady post in Houston Who she says that she been saving face? She been saving face for her husband and she say that now for years She's been being abused She's been and that he's a narcissist Now here's the thing The danger with that is now for her Hopefully we would we like to hope that it the because they in a public eye And they own a big business together in Houston. We would like to hope that Her celebrity her notoriety will put like a hedge of protection around her But the thing about it is is a lot of times them flags was there A lot of time the flag was there. Sometimes the flag was Sometimes the flag is oh, you're a ex-con Sometimes the flag sometimes the flag is oh you very Childish sometimes the flag is Why do you feel the need to have 50 cars That's almost like a little boy syndrome collecting Figurines like like who needs 50 cars who needs 80 cars see sometimes the flag is in another form of Narcissism to where the red flag may not even be it the flag may be why do you curse people out online and You're cursing people out online every day in the comments like literally cursing and literally going off Sometimes the red flag is not even against you It's how this person is talking to the waiter in the restaurant It's how this person is talking to their mom and notice I'm saying person because this is not gender-specific and that's what we that's what we make the mistake of just saying This is only women or this is only men or this is only a feminine trait or this only a masculine trait See sometimes the red flag is not that the person cursing you out It's not that the person is controlling you. It's not that the person is putting hands on you Well, that's not a red flag. That would be you know the result of ignoring the red flag the red flag may be literally in a resume so it's like right here if Somebody went to prison For a violent crime or even for a non violent crime Okay, in my mind you got a strike against you You got a strike against you It's like if I'm a single man and I meet a woman and she tell me she went to prison for fraud I Have to realize there's a possibility That if we share a joint account That she could start siphoning money off into another account if she tell me she went to prison for fraud See the red flag sometimes is in the resume And so that's what happened is a lot of times women are going and getting a ex-con Women are getting with a man who are ex-con and thinking like oh ex-con don't mean nothing. Yes, it means something Yes, there are men who could be reformed. Yes, there are men who could change but that don't mean that's gonna be your grace That don't mean that's gonna be your lot in life So it's no wrong. It's nothing wrong with having hard and fast rules Having non negotiables. It's nothing wrong with having non negotiables so If I was a single man and I met a woman and she say she used the strip I'm not finna play with that spirit. I'm not playing with that spirit. That's a Jezebel spirit I understand you in the church now But I'm my heart and fast rule. I'm not playing with that spirit You for somebody else God bless you. I ain't knocking you now. I'm not you ain't saying you can't change it Just I'm not gonna take the chance If I meet a woman and she say She went to prison for fraud. I mean a woman. She says she went to prison for domestic violence I mean a woman and she say she used to do Porn she used to or she used to be an escort Okay, God bless you. All right. God bless you. Hey, keep your head up Now I keep going now She might be a better fit for Neo or Jamie Foxx Because they say the past and all that don't matter So this the thing a lot of times we end up in toxic situations Because we ignore the resume. We ignore the relationship resume. We ignore the life resume And we and we fail to realize that Whatever spirit that we got the battle whatever spirit that has been attached to us We don't have to fight that spirit for the rest of our life The devil the devil you resist the devil he'll flee but the devil ain't gonna flee from nobody forever You'll have a season arrest But spiritual warfare coming back and So you taking a chance when you get with somebody and you see that they got a temper You see that they control You see that they insecure you see that they jealous It's a chance that we take it It's a chance when you get with somebody you see that they they're liar that they cannot stop lying That you don't call them in 50 lives You don't have to battle that spirit of lying for the rest of your life That spirit of insecurity the rest of our life that spirit of jealousy the rest of our life We have to win that battle every day Whatever we battle with we got to win that battle every day So you have to and this what I when you meet somebody When you identify they flaws when you identify they flaws you identify they rare flags You have to multiply it by three Because when a person get comfortable See familiarity Breeds contempt when a person gets comfortable Everything get turned up When a person get comfortable everything multiplies so if you meet somebody and They do a little burp Why are they talking guess what when you get married and get comfortable? It's gonna be a full-on belch you meet somebody and They pass a little gas When you get married and comfortable, it's gonna be a full-on Underclap you have to understand if you meet somebody and they controlling When you get together when you get later, it's gonna be you now by the prison When they tell you no, you can't wear that. I know you can't wear that to the club No, no, you can't hang out with such such When you get married you get together All that fin to be triple not it gonna be putting time limits on your phone call with your mom and The thing about it is most of us have been through this stuff Most of us have been through this stuff, but a lot of time we can't see past our trauma Lot of time we can't see past our trauma So we can't see the forest for the trees or we cut our nose off despite our face Now we can't smell what's cooking Because we didn't cut our nose spider our face. So you have to be able to go into this situation with open eyes Got to be able to see past your trauma Got to be able to see because sometimes what you want it'll end up playing against you So you could go in a situation and you could say, okay, well You want this type of man because he worshipping you? That's not healthy Now you want to be a guard now you want to be idolized. So now you don't pick this man Because they worship you or you know pick this woman because they worship you and then you got a sour patch face when they control you You wanted somebody that was not on your level financially or not on your level looks wise But now you turn your nose up when they telling you you can't wear this outside when you pick this person for the very reason because They they put you on a pedestal But now when they put you on a pencil they start worshipping you So now they feel like they own you now they want to control you But the very thing that you pick you picked it from your insecurity You picked it from your uncertainty You picked it from your selfishness you picked it from your greed. So you took and you fed the monster from your own Devoid and now your own voice you don't fit the monster and now the monster is bigger and Stronger, then you know how to control So now you like oh, whoa, no, no This ain't new I Wanted a pet lion. I wanted a pet bear But I thought if I raised the bear from a cup That the bear gonna love me you see you seen that story here go to man he get a cub he raised the bear One day the bear knocked that food out his hand and the bear ate him This is what we doing in relationships We going and we getting a we getting a little trauma monster We getting somebody who full of trauma and we think that the trauma cute We think cuz they obsessing over us We think that they don't want to cuz they don't want to let us go out to the club We think cuz they don't want us to hang with with our knucklehead friend. Oh, that's cute. Oh, that's cute And that's the thing, you know Now they don't want you going no with uh, now they don't want you talking to nobody They're like, oh Now this ain't cute no more now it will cue that bird having somebody sniff my dirty drawers How's about a drink my dirty bad one out of strong? They'll cue that fur But nah, hold on See this the thing as adults what we got to realize it's all the way to side to a story It's all way to side to a story. So here's the thing is a lot of times We want to be the victim We want to be the victim but what you have to understand about abusers abusers see a void See abusers stay far abusers will run from somebody who is very Strong and very strict and who gonna stand on business like a abuser will run the other way Because they realize they can't sneak and slip stuff by So what a what an abuser is it's like a like like a heat-seeking missile to where If somebody want to abuse you what they're gonna do is they're gonna play on your insecurity They're gonna play on your your voice. They're gonna play on What you lack they're gonna play on your lack of knowledge, they're gonna play on your innocence They're gonna play on your naivety your gullableness They're gonna play on that and they're gonna come in and they're gonna pretend that oh, it's all good and gravy Like no, I'm no they're gonna come in. Oh, no, I'm putting you on a pellet or no I really love you know, I'm praise about you. So now because you insecure That love bomb feel good It feel good in the beginning because of your insecurity And when they love bombing yet they filling up filling up filling up, but you're not even paying attention that this is not healthy That this amount of communication this amount of time together This amount of opinion and say so it's not healthy But what's happening is you don't realize that it's not healthy because you're so empty You have such a void That for a while is filling you up They filling up your love bucket they filling up your account And then it gets so full the web nice running over and you like whoa slow down like calm down I Like calm down like now, you know I'm saying I don't need to Don't need all all all your opinions now like I don't need to be with you You know eight hours a day now like We we got our own lives got our own jobs. We got our own family and our own friends like we need Some time apart like we need to be you need to go out the the dinner with your friend Let me go out the dinner with my friends But because of the void That you came in with You don't realize that By you not taking care of you By you not healing you By you not getting new knowledge By you not taking your time You went in and you became the perfect fit For somebody who is also broken And full of voids themselves And then we will ignore our own healing We will ignore the rules And we'll we'll know that we should take 12 months to get to know somebody But we'll jump right in full fledged head first three months in because of our own Voids because of our own desperation because of our own frustration from being single because of our own situation We'll ignore The rules will ignore common sense We'll ignore wisdom from our friends and family and we will jump right in And then we jump right in and we reinforce This person's insecurity and we reinforce their brokenness With our presence We reinforce it. And so now when they become controlling We start to feel like hmm Well, I can't lead this person because I don't built with them Can't lead this person because I got a child with them Can't lead this person because all my friends and family Know the good about this person can't lead this person because it is so then we start trying to breathe And you start trying to get you a little freedom You start trying to The break out a little bit you start trying to get out of the house and you start trying to have your independence But the person Who was feeding your voice filling up your voice and feeding your insecurity? Now they loved where they was loving from a place of depletion. They loved them feel you up And now they're feeling empty now they more empty than they came so you got the picture this like this is two Two cups. That's half full So a two cups that's half full Well, the love bomber come and pour a whole cup into the other person Now the other person feel full and good So now you feeling full and you feeling good you feeling here because now your cup full But what you did not realize Is because you came in half empty You attracted someone half empty And when two people is half empty One is going to deplete the other Two half empty people don't complete each other You deplete each other because now this half empty person feels you all the way up Now you got your swag bag now you want to get out you want to go you want to sniff and smell the rur You want to be out to eat with your friends You want to have guys nights so you want to have girls nights, but now you're now your broken partner That you attracted when you was broken Now they completely depleted and they emptied so now they said no you can't go nowhere No, you can't wear that to the usher concert No, you can't wear that to the usher concert. No, you can't you can't do that but see You realize that from your brokenness and from your insecurity and by you not healing and getting clarity To where you grew out of this person league You attracted what you are And so because you attracted what you are Now you've become something new because you don't group And you don't change and you see things differently But they didn't do the same thing So now they look they perceived love what you thought was love Was really they insecurity See the thing about self-hate Is is sometimes self-hate Could express itself as love Like emptiness and brokenness can express itself as love A person can love you from their insecurity from their brokenness But it's not really love It's not a blessing. It's a snare They put in a hook in you to make you think That it's coming from a place of love, but it's really an entrapment So now when you want to be a mermaid you want to be a butterfly you want to be free. They're like, whoa, no Oh, this damn roll No anything together No, we we we trauma bonded No, now you want to let your cheeks hang out Now you want to now you want to go all out now you want to do all this now you want to be ripping and running Now instead of them going and getting a life And living like you live in and like having them something to do No, they want to be bonded to you Because y'all met each other in y'all desperation And y'all brokenness and y'all loneliness and y'all frustration But one depletes the other Meaning the one person will give of themselves give of themselves give of themselves But it's to set you up. It's to trap you And then when you want to when you want to be set free you want to live now they want to control you And then when a person is trying to control you And you're trying to break free They tighten the grip The grip is tightened Because they don't want to let you go Because they fear That because they have dumped So much into you And because they've given you so many compliments and so much affirmation And they see that you loving yourself again But you're loving yourself from their emptiness They empty themselves to fill you up And so now their fear is that you're going to go into the world as a butterfly And they're still a caterpillar And a butterfly has nothing in common with a caterpillar So it thinks so their fear is that you will go out and meet another butterfly So now what they want to do Is rip your wings off They want to rip your wings off So that you are flightless like them And they flightless because they powerless and they empty because they done dumped everything of them into you When both of y'all was half full And this is where This abuse starts to really show up But because it took time You feel indebted to this person Because in order to get to this point Y'all have shared a lot of laughs You've shared a lot of good times You've had a lot of good moments and in the midst of the bad you still gonna have some good This is the human experience This is the human dichotomy This is the human dynamic This is what's perplexing about humans and that's why it's always two sides to a story And what we don't get to dictate and we don't get to determine we don't get to dictate how somebody responds to their trauma But what we have to do is make sure That we have our eyes open and that we are looking for the trauma cues And that we paying attention to the signs and in order to be able to see the signs in them We gotta be able to see the signs in ourselves And if we don't see the sign in ourselves, we will struggle to see the sign in somebody else until it's too late But what this person was it's not that the person was a monster It's that they were a broken individual Who was fed They insecurity and they brokenness was fed with our presence So our presence reinforced Their brokenness and our presence sanctioned the environment So they did not heal The monster just was fed And that monster is that trauma It's not that they just a horrible person Out of the blue It's not that they just this terrible terrible person, but it's like whatever You focus on gonna grow whatever you feed gonna grow And that's what you have to realize. So that's why it's caveats and nuances to this thing It you've got to really be You've got to look at it holistically comprehensively And you've got to be able to step back You've got to be able to step back because he's like uh see see You see what I'm saying? You don't know what this is But see when you step back When you step back Now you can see the whole picture That's where we go wrong We get so caught up in the minutiae We can't see the forest for the trees So then on the outside looking in oh this person was abused this person was abused Oh this person was abused But we don't understand That they was the same And and they was reinforcing each other It just one handle Their trauma different than the other And so it hurts differently if somebody use they trauma with words or somebody use they trauma with fists If somebody use they trauma with lions somebody use they trauma with stealing A lot of times they don't feel the same The root Is the same brokenness insecurity ignorance a lack of healing full of voice, but the fruit is different See the root See what I'm saying Hey, this Tony Gaston god bless you and listen to you. Listen. I'm gonna tell you something and I'm not saying this I'm not saying don't take this no kind of way don't take this no kind of way But I'm gonna tell you something like this. I'm in a season right now. I'm in the vein right now I'm in the vein right now to what average minds Carnal minds you got to watch what I say you got to watch my stuff three four five times And you got the you got to shut up and you got to sit down and you got to listen This ain't this ain't no regular this ain't this ain't similar like over here This ain't similar like this grass fed This grass fed texas cowl Over here You can't come over here with that with that love with that shallow mindset that old one sided mindset You got that you did this ain't similar like This ain't breast milk And even if you're vegan this grass fed cowl You got the chew on this You're gonna have to chew on this So anything I'll say for those of y'all who you operating in your trauma don't come on my page in my comments Because I ain't gonna say nothing that's wrong I ain't gonna say none that don't make no sense. So if it don't make sense to you You got to listen to a two or three times Because I'm speaking from the Holy Spirit So when I'm explaining something when I'm breaking it down This ain't gonna be surface level You're gonna have to sit down and you're gonna have to listen and then you're gonna have to listen You're gonna have to listen spiritually Then you're gonna have to listen mentally Then you're gonna have to listen holistically You can't listen carnally. You can't listen from your pain. You can't listen from your trauma You can't listen from just your experience You got to listen Holistically you got to understand that it's several experiences that go into this And that explain this and it's never excusing behavior It's explaining behavior in order to eradicate You got to be open-minded Because if you're not open-minded meaning if you're not willing To look at it from the other person's perspective. You won't understand it You can't just look at it from the perceived victims perspective You have to look at it from the perceived offenders perspective too So when you see both of their perspectives, you could see who was feeding on what You could see what cues was being heard What cues was being felt And this what you're going to understand. So now Then you're able to assess the situation and say, okay This is a human. This is a human But this is what this human felt and heard This is what this human felt and heard But see we have this thing in society where we just we immediately victimized and villainized Now understanding both for humans So you have to look at the antecedent behavior. You got to look at The fuel you got to get to the root You can't just analyze the fruit You got to get to the root The fruit gonna let you know What the tree is But you still got to analyze the root And so we just victimized or villainized But when you seek to understand When you understand the joker It's gonna better help you understand batman When you understand batman, it's gonna better help you understand the joker But in order to fully assess the situation You can't just stand on the outside And just pick a side that resonate with your trauma Or that resonate with your story. You got to look at both sides. So now Whichever side you own you know how to heal You know how to grow You know how to change you also know how to recognize Because you took the time to completely analyze Instead of just coming to criticize Hey, listen to me again. This ain't semi-like over here You've got to go to the single relationship coaches Who ain't never been married But they trying to tell you how to make a relationship work. You have to go over there for semi-like You got to go over there for for breast milk. It could be healthy for you. Yeah, you're gonna learn general basic stuff But It's gonna be different When you're hearing it from a different perspective And I ain't saying that the brag or boast Because with the knowledge of the lord comes a strong confidence. I know who sent me I know who called me and I know I don't speak for my spirit I let the holy spirit speak through me. So I'm trying to help y'all understand so that you realize Even when you thank you the victim You need to identify if you played a part In your own story And meaning when you are an adult When you are an adult and different when you're a child and something happened to you But when we we talk about adulthood Where we have to go from the victim mentality and go to a victor mentality And so when we've been victimized In order to receive victory We have to look and analyze as an adult What state of mind and what we've seen and what we reinforce and what things that we Overlooked and what things that was there that we missed And when you analyze that Now that's the game film now you study in it now you could heal Now when you go into the next situation Because you thoroughly analyzed it and because you took the time to heal when you go to the next situation You're gonna recognize the red flags You're gonna recognize your triggers. You're gonna recognize their triggers. You're gonna recognize your red flags You're gonna recognize their red flags and now you're gonna have an ounce of prevention Instead of just having to depend on the pound of cure Hey, this Tony gas and the thing about it is this ain't for everybody If you're still in your pain if you're still in your trauma It's gonna be too hard for you because we only want to hear We only want to hear the violin We only want to hear the violin. We don't want to hear the drums That say a it's time to march to a new beat. We don't want to hear the drum We just want the violin because it's good for soul ears But the drums it got the I got to get up. I got to stand up. I got to make a move. I got to march to this new beat When we in our trauma, we just want that song Everything We just want that and that's where Guess what when we stay in that That's how we become susceptible again We become susceptible to going through the same thing again So think about the people that you know that go from Abusive relationship to abuse relationship to abuse relationship to abuse relationship Is because they never took the time to pause to analyze to heal and to shift from victim to victor That's what you got to do Hey, God bless you. I don't know my time about 38 minutes. I was gonna do 30 minutes and I was gonna do 60 minutes Still kept going. God bless you. We'll talk soon I turned the comments off because a lot of time when the Holy Spirit speaking We got to shut the devil up and it's a lot of people who they just so wrapped up in their own pain and their own trauma That they they they get in their own way and they can't hear nothing So sometimes you have to shut it up So that the people who come to listen and come to learn come to grow come to heal Could get the message without being distracted by the devil trying to block people progress and growth Because of they own trauma and pain and what they're dealing with and not wanting to come out of that space It's only gassing It's a realist online You go back that