 Morning. The movie I'm about to talk about today is such a disaster, such a cat-tastrophe that I would rather choke on my own hairballs than have to re-watch this thing again. The feline fantasy-broadway drama I'm talking about today is of course none other than pause for drama, like cat-paws. I'm talking about cats. This movie review is requested by Matt Sclarro. He's a Patreon at the Mithra level and he's also a friend. And now my worst enemy by making me sit through this pile of cat dung. And not only did I watch cats, but I took copious notes so we can live through this misery together. Without any further cat-do, let's talk cats, baby. We are introduced to this wonderful new exciting world by a human throwing a cat out into the alleyway. Typical awful humans. Thankfully for our new feline friend, she's not alone. As there's cats all over this alley, ready to make their a-cat-tence. Like acquaintance. That one didn't work. And thus begins our journey into the horrible world of cat music. This whole thing's chock-full of garbage. And the first song might be the worst thing I've ever heard in my life. It's all about gelico-cats, what they do, how they act, what they look like. And from what I can tell so far, a gelico-cat is every single cat. So essentially they're saying cat-cat to me. The song goes on for what feels like three hours. Idris Elba is kind of lurking in the shadows. Cat, wait to see what he's all about. I think he's the bad guy because he's the only black cat. So I just assume. I'm joking. There's a couple others. All the cats suck so it doesn't really matter who's good, who's bad. It's all bad. Idris then saunters up to the other kitties and introduces himself as macavity cat. He is the threat. He's gonna win the gelico-ball this year. That's the thing that this movie revolves around, the gelico-ball. The new cat frolics away before some other pussies stop her. She introduces herself as victoria, in which another cat says, yeah that's one of your names, but we have three names. Cats have three names for some dumb fucking reason. Things get oddly sexual from this point going forward as the cats start to do an interpretive dance under the pale moon light. Second song kicks in. It's about the cats going to the gelico-ball. They mention a wise old sage cat named old Deuteronomy who's gonna pick the cat that's gonna lead the charge at the gelico-ball, which I assume is nothing more than an actual ball that leads into a cat orgy. I mean otherwise what are we doing here? This is the worst song in the movie so far. The main male cat, if you can call any of these male, takes victoria to see one of the front runners for the gelico-cat at the ball, where again they become leader and I think they sail away into the moon to be to become a new cat altogether reborn. Why? What is the point of any of this? But anyway, yeah they go to see this new cat. It's a gumby cat. Rebel Wilson. Fat, stupid, clumsy. Not my words, it's their words. I agree with them. As I stated, Rebel Wilson gets the dishonor of playing this embarrassing thing who gets to stumble and fall, play with herself, and being all around shit show. At one point, cockroaches start dancing and a marching band looks like something out of a rejected scene from Joe's apartment. I didn't want this funky towel. The lyrics are literally, I've got a gumby jelly cat. Who in the fuck came up with this idea? I know it's based on a Broadway musical that's equally as weird, but this is a whole other level. We have anthropomorphic cats walking around. I read somewhere online, which makes it true, that at one point these CG abominations had cat assholes that they had to digitally remove from the final cut of the film. They had one point animated assholes into this thing. How did this get a dollar, let alone a hundred million, to be made? Jason Drullo is shot out of a cannon, comes into this thing, singing as hard out about some rum-tum-tugger cat, I guess that's his name. It's becoming increasingly clear that every cat that's introduced has a large amount of catatude and is going to spend the next several minutes singing about themselves to the audience so we know who this cat is. He's wearing a fur coat, which makes things all the more confusing. That's like me wearing a skin coat of my fallen friends. It's bizarre. It's the least of this movie's problems, but I want to point it out. Tugger at one point yells out milk! And they all head on over to the milk bar so they can drink themselves stupid. This is the worst song in the movie so far and we have an hour and a half to go. Now we have a Jennifer Hudson cat stumbling out of another alleyway, just a sad sack of shit, singing about how her life used to be great, how she could have been gelico but isn't. She used to be a star. Now she's a cat's been. Not even a few minutes later, here comes James Corden into the picture. He's playing a talentless fat-ass hack. So he's just playing himself. His name? Buster for Jones. And he also dreams of being a gelico leader. His goal of course is to ascend and be resurrected as a thin cat instead of the fat piece of trash he currently is in the film and in real life. This is really the plot of the movie. Oh and also subscribe for fat shaming. Oh look out Victoria! She's ambushed by two cool cats. Their names? Mungo Jerry and Rumpel Teaser. Oh kill me. These are the dumbest fucking names I've ever heard in my life. They shocker, sing a song about being naughty little cats as they dance and prance around their owner's house knocking over shit and just being all around garbage animals. Our lead cat is trying on some of the fancy jewelry in the house. She's even rocking what I only can imagine are some fancy Victorian anal beads. This is the worst song in the movie so far. But uh oh look out Victoria! There's a dog on the way up that lives in the house. She heard a racket. She's gonna see what's going on. The two cats bolt, leaving Victoria behind and she's trapped to the side of the bed by the beads. This is exactly how I thought I was gonna go out. Breaks the anal beads and gets out of there just in the nick of time. What a rush. We then cut to McCavity Cat who has catnapped two of the fat kitties in the film. Put him on a barge somewhere out at sea. What is his plan? What are you up to McCavity you son of a bitch? We're back with Victoria who's being treated to the worst song in the film so far. Saying by Dane Judy Dench. Or as I like to call her in this movie Dane Doody Dench. Doody sings about how she's old, frail, has brittle bones, and is an all-around complete waste of life who's just kind of getting by counting down the days until she dies off. But she also has the important task of picking the next gelico leader. If you look closely you can spot Ian McKellen in the background. He's just randomly in this scene. I'm not even sure he's CG or if that's just Ian McKellen who wandered in on set from doing something next door. And he just went over to the snack table. They hit action and he's just like I should point out much like Rum Tum Tugger. Old Deuteronomy is wearing a jacket that's the same color as the fur herself so I don't know if this is fur that she shed that she fashioned into a jacket or if this jacket's made out as some of the babies she lost over the years. I know it's dark. I know it's grim but we are talking about cats here. The cats make their way into an abandoned theater I believe. They do some weird shit here. They're convulsing on the ground. They're dry humping. They're doing all sorts of frisky feline activity. They're even more horny now than they were five minutes ago which seems almost impossible. And once in a while the camera jumps back to Dench who looks on just so proud. She's so proud of this whole whole thing. I mean it really is just a catabration of different walks of life coming together and looking like complete idiots. Jason Drulo is back baby! And he is Rum Tum Tugging his heart out right now. They're having a good old-fashioned dance-off or a cat-off if you will. And I think now is an appropriate time to point out that this movie is full of strong feline leads. If I can be perfectly honest with you it's about time. A lot of different gelico dancing taken place we got break dance gelico dancing. We got ballerina gelico dancing. We got Judy Dench gelico dancing. Good. Good. And please correct me if I'm wrong but I believe they all achieve climax at the same time because out of nowhere they all drop to the ground in complete exhaustion. And I reached climax as well. Sad sack. Jennifer Hudson Cat is back to bring down the temperature in the room. This is the worst song in the movie so far. Victoria not to be outdone answers back with her own stupid ass song which is of course the worst song in the film so far. Old as dirt Deuteronomy also chimes in with a few of her own bars during this section. We then cut to Sir Ian McKellen who's finishing off a nice bowl of milk before wheezing his way into the theater. He has gussed the theater cat after all. That's what he tells me. His song's fun because he sings it in the third catson. Goes on for 45 minutes and it's the worst song in the movie so far. And right after he finishes he stumbles backstage and gets sucked into a box by McKevity Cat. Skibbleshanks the railway cat tap dances into our hearts now. Every five minutes a new cat shows up. It's so much fun. Yeah Skibbleshanks tells us all about himself. I'm Skibbleshanks. The railway cat. I'm a piece of shit. What'd you think about that? What's the point of this? There's no story. Nothing matters. I genuinely lost the plot. They are now in a line tap dancing across the railroad tracks because he is of course Skibbleshanks the railroad cat. They go inside the fucking train from Polar Express. I half expected Dead Eye Tom Hanks to come out serve hot chocolate and do his little dance number from that film. But alas no Tom Hanks to class things up. The song ends with Skibbles twisting all the way up into the sky because McKevity's up there pulling him in through his magical box to take him to wherever he's been taking all the other cats. Before anyone even the audience has a second to react to what the hell just happened Taylor Swift's pussy gets lowered down via a giant moon and she gets to sing a song of course about McKevity Cat's appearance. That's legitimately what the song's about how McKevity Cat looks in case there's any blind cats in the audience that can't fucking see him. I want to point out she's doing a bizarre English accent for some reason during this performance. She is an anthropomorphic cat too but I still would. She's still a snack. This is the worst song in the movie so far. McKevity Cat. McKevity Cat. There's no one quite like our McKevity Cat. McKevity's Shat. McKevity's Splat. McKevity's Miss Famimima Pampa Pantact. She sprinkles down Catnip which makes all the cats crazy and then sleepy. I'm pretty sure she's working for McKevity. She's trying to keep them all out of the running. Cavity drops down and ascends the stairs ready to receive his Jellico prize but Dane, Doody, Dench is not having any of it. McKevity takes her to the barge and makes her walk the plank. How is she gonna get out of this one? It's nothing a simple song won't fix. You see there's a magical cat named Mr. Mustaphalese who's with the others that could possibly save her if he was just more confident in himself. Time is of the essence here. So naturally we're gonna sing a quick 48 minute song. She is mere seconds away from falling into the water which I guess will kill her because she's old, frail and dumb. So yeah let's bring everything to a screeching halt. This is the worst song in the movie so far. But it worked. As Deuteronomy magically appears next to him unceremoniously. I was completely confused. I was like did he conjured her? She just shows up there. So hi guys. Hi I'm here now. I was on the plank and now I'm here. No big deal. The rest of the cats are still fucked but I'm back. Oh yeah he's got a bunch of them back there. Hopefully they're dead by the time we find them. Alas the cats don't die but thankfully we have a freaking epic battle. I mean you can't believe how cool this is. James Corden cat hacks up a fur ball. Rebel Wilson hits herself with the chain. And I guess Ian McKellen's cat Gus also has Gandalf magical powers because he uses a wizarding spell which knocks off one of the pirate cats into the water. Presumably killing the thing. Hopefully killing the thing. Now for the moment absolutely no one saw coming. Victoria because she's such a perfect pure innocent cat goes out in the cold and grabs Jennifer Hudson cat bringing her ragged ass inside dusting her off and showing her to the others who are frankly pissed. They're they're furious. The cat claws are out ladies. They're not having it. Hudson's gonna go ahead and perform the same song she did earlier somehow it's even worse now. This is the worst song in the movie so far. And I have to point out she is in competition with herself at this point singing her heart out crying there's snot coming down she probably shat herself it is just a spectacle. I couldn't even imagine being unset where these actors have their motion capture suits on. Jennifer Hudson putting in this amazing performance I guess. Not hopefully knowing that she's going to be CG'd into an abomination in a room full of disgusting CG creations. It's embarrassing everyone should feel bad being part of this movie. No one should like cats. I deem it unlikable. Cats is one of the worst movies I've ever seen and I've watched almost every single Polly Shore film. Dench goes up to Jennifer Hudson cat whose name is actually Grisabella. It's a solid name Grisabella and she says to her you are the Jelico cat the whole time or something who cares Jennifer Hudson's the Jelico cat she's gonna be the one to ascend. Somehow this movie isn't over yet. Keep in mind I'm in the living room watching this which is kind of ironic because every minute that goes by I feel closer to death. Not much living going on if you ask me. Grisabella hops on top of a chandelier air balloon and ascends into the heavens above where she will hopefully come back reborn as an actress who never took on this role. That nasty McCavity though is not done yet he tries to hit your eye by jumping onto the balloon but slips and falls on a nearby statue cursing Grisabella saying I'll be back for the sequel. Cats 2 electric Jelico. This film mercifully comes to a close as old Deuteronomy sings one final song that final crescendo about how to properly address a cat and the rest of the pussies join in for the final number they're now singing directly at the audience breaking the fourth wall how is this movie not over yet I'm only a couple feet away from the kitchen which contains a knife I could end this all early. Dench is continuing to give us instructions about how to greet and talk to a cat. The sweet release of death is right behind me all I have to do is grab a knife or some anal beads. This movie is over but the cat people won't shut the fuck up why won't this movie end? Wait wait song's coming to a close Deuteronomy's looking at Victoria telling her she's also Jelico okay cool I still don't know what that means and they look on now as the chandelier balloon flies off into the sunset and I think the movie is fine yes it is finally over oh my god well that's cats. Thankfully it lost a dumb amount of money and again everyone who partook in this film should feel a deep sense of shame. I want to thank Matt once again for this reka-catation and if you have a bad movie you think I would enjoy watching and talking about join patreon at patreon.com slash adam does movies sign up for that mithril tier level and say Adam this is for you brah enjoy. You can also do the same thing on YouTube via the join button there is a mithril membership there as well I appreciate the support either way there's a dollar tier a ten dollar it helps keep this one-man operation afloat and I appreciate any support you can give. All right that's cats let me know in the comments if you saw this movie your thoughts am I wrong is this a misunderstood work of art genius on full display or am I right and this is a total pile of shit let me know like the video subscribe do all that crap and hopefully I see you next time under better circumstances a maca-vity cat maca-vity chat a skeety-lead de-de-de-de-de maca-vity cat