 I'm not okay guys and frankly it's okay that I'm not okay. So this is a difficult video but I think one that needs to exist to I don't know if it helps even one person let alone helps myself it's worthwhile and yes the video is monetized no I'm not donating this monetization to charities that deal you know with you know suicides and depression and that's all fine and dandy but I mean this is my job I make videos for a living I have a family to support I'm not exactly rolling in the dough here right so yeah the money's gonna go to my pocket because I need it that being said we have to talk about something that I mentioned on this week's podcast and people noticed throughout that live stream that I seemed off I needed a beer I needed a shot I needed something because I looked pissed off I looked angry and it wasn't and nothing to do with Mike hadn't do any of you had nothing necessarily to do with this YouTube channel I have depression I've had it for a while but I thought I sort of beat it as much as one can beat depression I kind of knew it was always sort of there under the surface but I was in therapy for a lot of years and then a couple years ago I sort of came out the other side with a much brighter view on the world and I've been sort of that way for a couple years I've been a therapy for a couple years and things have been mostly going well for me with my attitude and my approach to life and trying to have fun and you guys are on my live streams and you kind of see how it goes but honestly there's been something bubbling there for a little while you and I know you guys maybe on a live stream saw me explode a couple weeks ago at a particular user that was really annoying me I should have just banned them without even addressing the situation and maybe that's where this started I'm not really sure because it really came ahead about three days ago I started feeling really really angry every little negative thing that happened didn't matter what it was could stub my toe I would go from 0 to 200 in literally half a second and I've just been kind of living there for the last three days you know bless my soul to my fiance because she she deals with depression as well and deals with what was severe anger at times and she's been very supportive of me through this because I'm not used to this I've had depression before but not the severe anger and don't worry I haven't hurt anyone I haven't hurt myself I don't plan to hurt anyone and honestly the reason I can make this video is because today feels like the day I turned a corner I'm not back to be my normal self you guys will probably notice we haven't had prime five videos lately we even haven't haven't even had a regular stream of content our live streams have been inconsistent the only thing that's still happening on time I guess is the podcast even that happened later than usual yesterday nothing is quite right right now but I can make this video because I am slowly climbing out of it and I think a lot of it is just to build up of various stressors in my life raising children I raised three kids I don't know how many of you know this but I do raise three children and they're not like super young okay yeah what a seven-year-old a nine-year-old and an almost 12 year old she turns 12 in December so she's in middle school and it's it's a lot as a parent to raise children anyone who raises a single child let alone multiple children like I do know that it's a lot and I'm fortunate enough that I have Yulia this isn't a broken home and it's still hard okay there's the fact that hey I'm doing YouTube full-time and I love this and I hope some people are gonna be down already typing away take a break take all the time you need YouTube sort of the one thing well not the one thing but one of the few things that I actually look forward to I enjoy making content I enjoy talking to you guys I've been doing less live streams because obviously I don't like to project forward negativity I don't like to project forward you know just this constant downer attitude it's not something I'm into and honestly if some of you guys are out there trying to be like hey we want to show some extra support to the channel I'm not hey we have a patreon at patreon.com session 10 or prime you don't have to do that you can become a member you don't have to do that we also have partnered with into the AM you can get these really cool shirts 10% off link down in the description but I wanted to address this now because I wanted to let you guys know that it's also okay if you're not okay and sometimes the first step you need to do as admit to it depression comes in many forms there's minor depression clinical depression it there's just so many different levels lots of medications out there lots of different types of therapies whether you want to seek a religion for therapy what do you want to seek you know counseling you know find your individual therapist that works for you seek hotlines if you're suicidal I highly encourage that you at least reach out to one of the hotlines that will try to help you if I will put up suicide hotline down in the description because I want to make sure that you know if you are someone that's there that you get that help I'm thankfully not there maybe couldn't say that two days ago and I can say that today that it feels like I've turned a corner the anger is still there I had one little negative thing happened earlier today and I got really mad but then it went away and that lets me know that I'm gonna be okay I did call my therapist today taught to her and it seems like I'm gonna be okay maybe this is because I've already learned how to push through this through all my years of therapy and how to still be there and do what I need to do but a lot of you guys don't ever get that you can be in counseling your whole life you can be on medication your whole life you can I don't know maybe you smoke weed whatever you do to help with your mood it just kind of exists you depression runs in my family everywhere not just my fiance and myself my sister has it my mom probably my dad as well I don't know he now someone likes to talk about that kind of stuff but the reality is that it is very very prevalent a lot of people have depression and a lot of people have situations in life where they're just not okay but they pretend they push through they go to their work they do their job they take care of their schoolwork and everything seems all perfect even like the most perfect of situations where a family a person everything looks like they have so much going for them but up here it might not actually be going that well and I wanted to let you guys all know that I'm not okay but it's okay that I'm not okay and it's okay if you are not as well I just want you to be able to admit it to yourself because admitting it is the first step towards doing something about it then ask for help if you're not willing to reach out and get the help yourself took me many years when I was younger to realize this then seek a friend seek a family member let somebody know that you're not okay don't just accept you're not okay if you need help tell somebody somebody you trust even if you don't know what to do you don't know the next steps you don't know where to seek counseling you don't know where to seek religious advice or you don't know where to seek whatever whatever is gonna work for you you don't know you know how to seek out medical help because again there's a lot of meds out there one of those might work for you might take a long time to figure out which one but one of them might work you might not know where to start and I can't tell you because every person is different what I can tell you is the first steps admitting you're not okay and not thinking that not being okay means you're defeated a key turning point and the mentality to solve and push through depression is realizing that being in that state doesn't mean you're defeated even though it feels like it feels like it'll never get better feels like nobody cares feels like you are in the darkest of the dark and nobody can see you there is no light it's okay you're not defeated because you're still here you could still turn it around you could still get help you could still come out the other side a stronger better human being so I don't want to waste a lot of your time I'm not taking a break I actually really enjoy YouTube I don't know when content is gonna feel normal if you notice my videos are a little different or my attitude if I do decide to live stream I will not be streaming tonight this video is kind of in place of that live stream just know that hey I'm okay I'll let you know if I'm not and I'll also let you know when I'm all the way through and we're back