 Hello everyone welcome back to our podcast from the Kamasutra to 2020 where we look at all your Concerns your questions your worries around all things to do with sex and sexuality Today, I am absolutely delighted to help with us Alex Grendy Alex is a men's sexual health coach And he specializes in performance anxiety in the bedroom so things like premature ejaculation erectile dysfunction etc and Alex I'm absolutely delighted to have you on up what cast with us First of all welcome. Thank you so much for now. I'm very excited to be here And at the reason that I'm really really excited to have you aside from the fact that you are an amazing person And you're so knowledgeable about your field is that we get so many men writing to us with questions around erectile dysfunction around premature ejaculation and sometimes Even much smaller things which can when not address grow into really really big issues and Whenever I try and provide an answer or a solution based on either my studies or with the Kamasutra stairs I get in large of pushback from people who tell me well I'm sorry You don't know because you don't have a penis you don't have an opinion you have no knowledge So I am absolutely thrilled that I have something with me today who not only knows what he's talking about but also Has a penis so I'm hoping that your advice is gonna hold a lot more weight And we're gonna be able to address these issues that come up so often Yeah, absolutely, and I totally I understand where they're coming from and as a man I've experienced all of these issues before and that's part of why I'm in this space in the first place is because I Know how horrible and how difficult it can be to to feel like you have no both and just continuously Feel this fear and anxiety during something that's supposed to be one of the most fun and exciting parts of our lives and relationships for it to be this like crippling fear and cause of disconnection to then go, you know from Having my sex life basically being the least confident part about me to now having it be the most most confident things in my life and Yeah, that's been a life changing ship for me and that's part of Why I'm in this field and why I want to help so many men do the same Okay, so that's actually get to the very first question Alex Which is so many men who find that they get distracted at some point during sex And they lose their erection. Is there something that they can do about I don't know bringing it back part of what's happening here is a lot of men are really disconnected from their bodies so Maybe they're slightly distracted. Maybe they're really distracted and a lot of men are also in a very performance mindset where they're trying really hard to be a certain way in the bedroom to Think they need to be you know this way or that way and it needs to be this hard and they need to go this fast and All of that can get you out of your body and into your head and as soon as you do go into your head It would be really normal to lose your erection Now when that happens a lot of men because they're so worried about losing their erections Maybe they freak out, you know, they start to panic a little Oh, no, I'm you know, I'm losing it now. They're lost. They're in their heads and Then they feel like they can't get it back, you know, then they feel like they've completely ruined the lowland and In those in those times if there's a perfectly good reason as to why you got distracted It doesn't make you, you know a bad lover or crazy, you know, like maybe you're stressed Maybe you're thinking about the package that's supposed to get delivered like there's perfectly good reasons Why you're losing your erection? So just let it be that you know, don't don't make it off. Now. I have a right-tile dysfunction. I'm broken I'm ruined, you know, it's so easy for men to kind of go into a spin and then oh it happened last time What if it happens again, you know, and then it's this huge pressure that Perpetuates itself and just gets worse and worse. Yeah, just like take a pause. Oh, I lost my erection I wonder why, you know, not awful. Oh my god. What am I gonna do? It's oh, okay, that happened Let's take a pause maybe reconnect maybe You know have a cuddle for a little bit and then start to slowly then get intimate again and see Maybe you're just feeling a little bit of pressure. I don't know. I mean it can be anything but Take that pause without it being this big thing Oh, you know, I lost my erection and you know, I'm single and I use a condom with partners and for me I could Be being intimate with someone and then okay, I need to change the condom or it, you know, my erection isn't as hard That's normal It would be kind of alarming if you were just fully one hundred percent rock hard for one hour straight like That's not real. That's and I think the expectations are really mismanaged So yeah, and if you need to take a pause and there's like a break in between times that you're having sex Like that's normal. That's funny and that's part of it Then maybe when you reconnect say hey, can can we do this instead or it'll really turn me on if you do that and Just slowly build and ask for what you want and if your partner is willing to meet you there It's gonna make you hard again That is such good advice. I really hope that people are there gonna listen to it this time You know, this is the technique that's used in some of the ancient texts Suggestive that if you want to demean your coming if you want to hold yourself off for longer You consciously distract yourself and you will lose your erection and then gradually come back But when it happened in voluntarily people sort of take that as a point of fear So thank you Alex for reiterating that I really really hope that even if they take nothing else away from this podcast That they take this bit away because I think it is so essential Okay, coming very very smoothly actually to my next question Which is again one of the things that the Kamsutra says which I think is incredible It says that when you start You are Fully before you actually stop the kissing and the cuddling and everything else you have to transition your mind From what you've been doing all day Into your bedroom light. So, you know, a lot of people again seem to think that they can come in from work They're exhausted. They they've had a stressful day. Like you said the package hasn't arrived This paperwork hasn't got done your hair is spoiled of other stuff And they actually believe that they can now sit down with their partner go straight into the kissing Transition straight into putting on their condom and having sex And of course that doesn't actually happen because if your mind is not With you If your mind is still stressed Nothing is going to go right when it comes to having erection Do you want to just talk to us a little bit about that? Maybe your Your voice will be more convincing Yeah, no, that's absolutely right and and what's happening is if you are coming home in a state of stress or just like exhaustion Your your brain and and mind your nervous system is going to be in a sympathetic state So it's going to be really stressed and overstimulated and in that moment You're not able to feel pleasure. It's a fight-or-flight response. So You're exactly right. There needs to be this downshift in order for pleasure to even be possible And often what happens is if you try to start having sex When you're really anxious when you're really afraid, right? Like I have men who are coming to me saying, you know, they're at dinner They're about to go home with their partner and they're already worried thinking well. What about the sex? I'm going to mess this up You're setting yourself up for a failure. It's not possible For you in that moment to then have this amazing pleasure experience You know, you you do you need to downshift you need to Do some breath work in and just take some breaths, right? It's some deep inhales and exhales to to alleviate some of that stress and Whatever that looks like for you if you're coming home from work and you're like, oh, I had a tough day Like let's go for a walk. Let's take a bath first. Let's Do something that removes all of those other layers and then creates the space for this Parasympathetic state where you're fully relaxed and open for pleasure Should I tell you what becomes interesting? I mean, this is really really good Advice that when you sit down together on the sofa or wherever Whatever the furniture would have been 2000 years ago And before you start the connoisseur you start with telling each other Either naughty or gossipy stories when you just shift your mind completely from what you were doing earlier And suddenly you're in a different mindset in different space And I just think that it's fantastic that a book 2000 years ago was telling you to do that It was telling you to transition your mind before you can start Making love before you can get it get intimate that there is a different mind space for Work in a different mind space for being intimate And I say this to people all the time go and have a box before you Decide to have sex put yourself in a different space where you get trust for it, you know where you you make the space especially about this and it's just amazing that um This is something that we don't go in for we we believe that this is something that we should do for the rest of our lives You know your relationship will last for the rest of your life your intimacy should last for the rest of your life This is such an important part of your existence And yet this is the one Part of your life that you never work towards you never study towards you never learn towards You're just supposed to kind of fall into bad thrush around and be the best That there ever was Yeah, and and I totally agree with you and what you're describing to me is like sacred sexuality Right being able to come together Share intentions really Put care and love into the process of being intimate with your partner and Yeah, I love to hear this side. I haven't studied the kamasutra much But it sounds like what you were saying is when you said stories that maybe they were talking about their fantasies Or maybe they were talking about role playing and You know what they were interested in and what they wanted to do to each other and of course like to me There's no better way to start um, you know a sexual experience than to kind of start setting the mood with some dirty talk or talking about pleasure and and we Fantasize really absolutely the word as you said is setting the intention Consciously saying we're going to be together and we're going to love each other And that is where it all begins When you just forget the rest of the world and now you're focusing on your partner If you know that there one of the main things that they talked about in foreplay Was wearing your paint a portrait of your partner So the man every man in his bedroom was supposed to keep Our color pens that crayons whatever had they had that point and some kind of sheeps Unreached a girl Can you imagine the kind of um one-on-one? Attention that brings Your partner stands in front of you and looking at them. You're exchanging Eye contact through the whole thing. You're drawing a portrait of them. It is so intimate Yeah, just just imagine the attention. It is deeply intimate, isn't it? Vulnerable, you know that that would be something that would be I think an edge for anyone today To say oh my brother's just gonna draw me and I'm just gonna you know be there vulnerable naked for them to see all of me um, yeah, that's amazing Yeah, I think that we um, we lost a lot when we lost that text, but um to come back to your work So now let's take it to the next step up um We talk about men Let's say coming back from work feeling exhausted feeling stressed And I'm saying that they just don't have it in them to have sex and I've had a lot of Women say to me what can I do to change this now and all of these guys Because of what they're going through unfortunately. We don't talk about these things very much So it's become a sort of stigma A guy who says he's not able To have an erection for long enough or he's not able to Sustain his excitement long enough to To have satisfying sex um Can't really talk about it to a lot of people because it's become a stigma. It's become like oh my god. Is he not mad enough? And notice these men they kind of go again into a spiral because it starts with something bad They go into a place and then it just kind of goes it plummets um They are not likely to step forward to make things better and not at the times because of just the fear that they have inside them Is there something that a partner can do to help them? It's a really good question. I think First and foremost though, it has to come from Themselves they have to want to make a change. They have to come to the realization that If I don't change this maybe my partner's gonna leave me, you know, if I can't satisfy her needs I can't satisfy my own needs Like this is going to become a real problem in my relationship if I care about that relationship I have to make a change and I think A partner needs to be really careful in the way that they communicate that because An added pressure of like why can't you get it up or like throwing it back in their face Is going to create like I don't like to use this word, but like a little trauma, right like another Thing wrong taught. Well, they're never going to forget that The time that you said this little joke about well, you can't get it up anyway It's like that's the next thing that's just going to play over in their head I don't want to deal embarrassed again. Why would I cope myself through that? You know, so if you're a woman watching this and you're in a relationship with a man Be really careful in the way that you communicate and I know a lot of men have Quite a lot of pride around this so they may would struggle to talk about this so And that's challenging. I just want to acknowledge that and and what you can do is In a space where you're outside of the bedroom. Maybe you guys are out like having coffee Having a really nice time, you know and be able to bring up this topic in a Not a place in a safe space seen a safe way where you can say hey, by the way Like I literally want to talk about us and I want to talk about You know our sex life and I want to hear from what's going on is everything okay And I think a lot of times Men aren't able to say I'm not okay You know, I'm stressed. I'm worried about life You know, because they want to be that rock for their partner, but Them bottling it up and trying to just keep everything, you know under rafts does it work And maybe all they need is that like pressure release valve of Saying I'm not okay right now, you know, and and I've been talking about this on a few podcasts lately is like There will be periods in a relationship where One or both partners are experiencing something Really difficult whether they're feeling depressed. They're feeling down. They're feeling not confident about themselves not good about themselves And that means there will be less intimacy You know and that that doesn't mean the relationship is Screwed and and that oh my god, we haven't had sex in a month like it's over Or he's not attracted to me. It's like he's going through something He's really struggling, you know, and I think Instead of saying well, why won't you sleep with me? Like we need to have sex that pressure. I was talking about it's more like How can I support you? How can we get you out of this? Stressed out state, you know, like let's really break down Why are you coming home stressed every day? Maybe you need to change jobs. You hate this job, you know, maybe you need To change your lifestyle. Maybe you need to go to the gym more. Maybe you need to do these other things that you're not doing and Supporting in that way is a lot less pressure, right? It's like hey, how can I be there for you? And then he slowly builds himself back up to where he feels comfortable having sex because If a guy's stressed and he's not feeling good about himself and you just kind of force him With guilt and shame to have sex with you Not gonna go that well. He doesn't want to have sex And You know something that I want to reiterate is like in those moments They have nothing to give You know, if i'm feeling depressed the last thing I can do is give love and pleasure to my partner I can't even Feel good about myself. How can I give? and I think What i'm trying to say is as a partner that can be really difficult, but don't take it personally Like have some compassion and understanding that your partner can be going through a process And That's what it is And it's not because your relationship is falling apart or that you're not attractive anymore It's that They're just in a bad place and they actually really need help I hope that everybody listening is going to actually take this away and understand it That nobody's a finished product. We all need help at some point and energies shift constantly It goes the same way for sexual energy, right? It shifts one day. You are having a great time in bed the next day and you're struggling Everything it's not like a solid rock. That's just always just going to be the same even rocks get eroded Things change Let's talk about premature ejaculation. This is a worry that a lot of people have so what I'd like you to do Alex is talk to us not just about Premature ejaculation what it means to people how they can Work around it in some way, but also a lot of people have this they kind of tend to measure their period of Sort of holding themselves back against some invisible marker So is there a set time before they should ejaculate? Yeah, that's a really good question And firstly there's a couple of different definitions for premature ejaculation and and the definition that I use is When you're ejaculating before you intend to So it's this moment where you don't want to ejaculate and you kind of lose control and that could be after 20 minutes one hour. It's still to me. Okay. You have no control. That's a premature ejaculation But to answer your question. I think men have a completely Misconstrued idea of how long they think sex should last and I have guys who message me sometimes Hey, I want to last longer. I want to be able to last three hours. You know what I'm like Why? I don't want to have sex for three hours straight like no way Um, so I do think that's a really important question and I think there's no right answer It's whatever is best for you if you and your partner Have sex for five minutes and you both get a lot of pleasure and your partner can have an orgasm And you decide to ejaculate that's beautiful. I don't think there's anything wrong with that And you know for me, I like to have sex for maybe 15 to 20 minutes max, you know But I think there's this idea that there's there's men who want to go for an hour And I've spoken to a lot of women Most women don't want to have sex for no I mean keep saying that trusting non-ending me is noble ones or being trusted at Unending me is no woman's idea of pleasure. It really isn't Um, I want to also say that again the council just says that Women do have they they come to orgasm or they get pleasure in many different ways And you cannot always guarantee that they will get pleasure while you're inside them that you're penetrated So penetrative sex is not necessarily the answer for woman's pleasure Which means that it says that you should be able to bring a woman to pleasure twice before you penetrate her And we've said this many times Yeah, it's great, isn't it because it takes the pressure off the neck. Yes You just think of how much easier it suddenly makes and it's no longer about how long you have to be But how long you want to be Yeah, and it also makes that that kind of orgasm seal has already broken and you're able to maybe have another Orgasm more easily than you would have Um, and yeah, you're absolutely right Uh statistics show that 80 percent of women do not orgasm from penetrative sex alone That's eight out of 10 women So if you think you're just gonna ram away and that's the solution like you're really off I had somebody write to me saying that um, he had sex with his girlfriend He went for 90 minutes straight that in between the gods had a few times. Oh my god It's really burning down there like dole. But anyway, um At that point it would have been a good idea for you to stop if the girl says it's really burning down there Just stop because clearly this is not measurable Uh, but there is this thing about Like it's basically finished with saying Is this a good thing? Is this normal? Am I special? I mean it was all about like yeah, look at me. I went 90 minutes um And then Apparently the girl did not want to have sex again for many many months So maybe that should be a good lesson to run Yeah, I mean to be a good partner you need to be able to attune and listen to your partners wants and needs So if you're not taking verbal cues and visible cues, um That's a big pro and I I can understand why I shouldn't want to have sex with them again for a long time Something I wanted to say earlier is that you know, no one teaches us about sex And it's a really unfortunate thing. So as a and I think generally most people are bad at sex You know just as a starter as a baseline like we don't know how to do it. No one teaches us Why would we be good at it? You know and I think that should be the baseline and For whatever reason like the societal baseline is you're supposed to be really good at it And yeah, that's just a really You know a really difficult expectation to meet and I think that puts a lot of pressure on men specifically You know, it's like, okay. I need to be dynamite in bed. I have no idea how to do that You know, all of my experiences have been bad and I don't you know, if they haven't Found resources or work with someone They're flying blind and they're watching porn and they're watching a guy have sex for 90 minutes with a girl He was in pain and they continue to go, you know, so they're thinking they're doing a good job and They're not porn is just a whole different um problem unfortunately And not so much the porn that I guess serves its purpose is the people who believe that what they see there is real That is the real problem um, okay, so This is a premature ejaculation where you feel that you didn't want to come but you came at that point But still being able to go thus far. What about people who can't actually control it or where it's just like Literally, they will penetrate and come without being able to control it Do you have any tips any advice? Suggestions Yeah, absolutely So the first step would be nervous system regulation just as we talked about before If you're feeling extreme anxiety and fear before sex Don't have sex It's just not possible to have a good experience if you're starting in fear and anxiety so Like we spoke about before whether that means taking a walk or doing something that makes you feel safe or You know, this is what I always say Share with your partner that you're feeling the fear and anxiety And this is something men never want to do But this can be like the biggest weight off your shoulders To share with someone and say hey I really liked you. I see a future with you and I'm nervous for us to have sex because I don't want to mess it up That's really sweet in my opinion. That's that's not like, oh, I have premature ejaculation. I'm worried. I'm so bad in bed It's like, no, I really care about you and I'm just nervous to have sex for the first time or this time and To be able to just get that out in the open and then speak about it and say, okay, well Then let's take things a little slower tonight. Maybe let's take penetrative sex off the table and Really ease into things and know that you're safe to Still express yourself, but it doesn't have to be You know penetrative sex doesn't have to be the full thing can just be You know Some body mat thing and some gentle touch to start and just let's get comfortable first So I think being able to like take that pause is a great first start um And what comes along with Nervous sister regulation just like carrying that into the bedroom Is once you have that down, it's staying connected to your breath and present during the experience So it's very easy for people to get distracted and hold their breath or not express themselves And then this tension builds up in the body and it wants to release So as long as you're able to move with your breath slow it down You know because when you are stressed or in fear That's the ejaculatory kind of state where you're This is simulating ejaculation. So you need to slow it down. You need to Power one's island need to be able to get back into the body and and really relax And if you can get into a relaxed state during sex It's going to be so much more buzzerable And then you have control, right? Okay. I I want to slow down. I want to take some Real deep breaths, maybe very little lotion and thrust and maybe just kind of holding and kissing and Okay, I want to get closer to ejaculation. I can But but but bring myself into that state so you can modulate your breath to control Yourself in a bedroom and it's so well articulated It's all about how um, you control your breath and it's all about sort of Channeling that energy. Uh, the biggest misconception is that if you want to last longer, you should distract yourself You should count the tiles on the wall and That's not my solution at all. It's actually the opposite, right? If I'm going to start counting things on the wall, my partner's going to like what's happening, you know a complete disconnection and My kind of philosophy is to stay as connected as possible Stay as present as possible with your breath and then Know your arousal so well Okay, I know my limits. I'm getting a little bit too close. I need to slow down Okay, this is a little too slow for me. I need to speed up and Use your awareness of your own body, which needs to be cultivated through a self-pleasure practice first To know how to do this on your own so you can do it with a partner So, yeah, there's this huge component of Being able to fully understand your own pleasure your own wants your own means your likes your dislikes To know exactly what your limits are and your point of no return So when you're in the bedroom, you can say, oh, I do this position for too long. I know what's going to happen I need to really slow down. I need to be careful and every person is different There's going to be someone who says, oh this position. I don't think about it this one though. Oh my god, you know, I think it was so fast Know yourself And then you can bring that in with a part So conscious masturbation. I like that Um, a lot of times particularly when it comes to men when they talk about masturbation It's very much about this idea of um, a quick arousal and quick ejaculation because it's about fulfilling a need as opposed to understanding that it is also about understanding yourself and your arousal Women are taught to do this women are told constantly And I think a lot of us speaking in the space these days happen to be women funnily enough There's I mean we get trolled by the men for what we say, but I do wish there were more men talking about Men's pleasure. So maybe they would listen more. So as women, we are taught, you know, understand What gives you pleasure? What will heighten it more? What will slow it down? Where do you find the turn on comes from and where do you find is like that black hole the hole where it just disappears to but for men The idea of self pleasure masturbation is very sort of single dimensional It's something that it's uh It's an instinctive hormonal reaction You do it and as you get older you continue to do it in the same way So it's not that as you get older and you become more sensible and you start thinking better That you start to change yourself pleasure routine so that you can make it Work for you, you know, and like you said understand yourself better If I do this if I think these thoughts if I have this motion if I have this piece of speed This is what's going to happen and so for a man any man out there or any male Who wishes to masturbate because a lot of people say now that they don't wish to do it So finally if you're not wanting to do it, that's not um, we're not telling you that you have to go ahead and do that There's something that's your decision But for those of you who do masturbate would do Have access to self pleasure and enjoy it start using it more consciously to Benefit yourself and to understand more about yourself and your body. I think that's really good self help for everybody Who is experiencing premature ejaculation Instead of thinking that there's something wrong with you understand that it could literally be Parts of your mind or parts of your thought process that you haven't explored so actually explore your pleasure better and understand How you can control it because there are so many people Alex who write into us and say, you know, um When i'm watching porn or when i'm masturbating i can do this fine But when i'm with a partner I am not in control There's there's a number of reasons why that might be happening and because when you're alone There's no pressure to perform It doesn't matter if you mess up. There's no one to be embarrassed in front of them. There's no one There's no relationship on the line. You can you know kind of get hurt And then if you're with someone that you really like and there's something on the line You put that pressure on yourself So if you can remove that pressure and expectation and don't have the stress then it won't happen when you're with a partner But a lot of times what that means is having that conversation like I said before and most men don't want to have that conversation But I do want that comment on on what we're just talking about and And Most men and myself included when you grow up Masturating to porn at such a young age Pleasure and ejaculation get warped into one and there's even this kind of You know when I was in what is in high school You would be intimate with someone they'd say well, did you did you come? And if you didn't it's like it didn't count right so like If you didn't ejaculate, what's the point right and that's kind of What is guiding honest at least in my experience as met is like I'm looking for the ejaculation only And that means masturbation is for ejaculation. That's it And a lot of men myself included use that as a coping mechanism to not deal with Just Stress or to not you know do my homework or my job or my relationship problems is like I get to run away from my problems for a little bit and forget and It's not really about Pleasure or connecting to myself. It's like I just want to not feel what I'm feeling right now And I think a lot of people don't understand that is like there What I was alluding to before is like this disconnect between men and their penis and themselves Is a lot of times we're using ourselves for this release and I call that you know more of a masturbation practice and I wasn't introduced until I started learning about this work that there was something called self-pleasure Where it wasn't about ejaculation and it was about connecting with yourself and loving yourself and giving yourself pleasure without kind of any strings attached without any with the only intention being To explore yourself and have fun with yourself And that is what I wish we got started with right. I wish all men were taught that at 12 years old when you start exploring yourself that like hey explore your whole body Learn how to connect to your breath learn how to Kind of move your energy and don't just make it about the ejaculation because you're right It just it starts with that and then you know you're 50 you're 60 It's like hey, I still masturbate to porn every night. You know I get the chance and How you practice is how you're going to play in the game. It it's really as simple as that Oh my god, that should be put on a paid poster how you practice is how you're going to play in the game That that should be a poster Really, that is amazing because it all you're ever going to do Is watch porn and then jerk off really quickly and make that very very quick ejaculation What to do every day in your spare time in your pleasure time And that's what you are going to bring as an understanding of sex Yes, and I Wow I weren't meant to understand. I am someone who Feels in very much in control of my arousal and my ability to last and move my energy But if I were to watch porn right now and Master be my arousal levels would be through the roof and really difficult to control And that's what porn is. It's the highest level of arousal possible You're going into your deepest fantasies. You're seeing some really, you know beautiful Women, you know amazing scenes It's giving you everything that you've ever wanted so fast And our bodies don't really know how to cope with that. So It's really normal for you And porn is designed for you to get aroused and ejaculate as soon as possible And I I said this recently. It's like The men will get a kick out of this. We'll open up a bunch of tabs to say, oh, I want to watch this video I want to watch this video. I want to watch this video We only make it through like A few minutes of one of them and then it's like, oh, I didn't get to watch any of these Because that's how powerful porn is And I want men to understand that When you do this and you have this habit You're really putting yourself at a disadvantage if you want to be a good lover and you want to be able to last longer This is a really good first place to start Stop watching porn. Stop masturbating to porn And change those habits and create a new relationship With your pleasure and your penis. I really really hope Alex that the man who asked this question that they get to listen to you because As I said as a woman if I was to see exactly the same things It wouldn't count for anything because you get shut down But also you've been doing this work with men for a while. You have the vocabulary to be able to address them And you've articulated this so well. I really hope this gets through to a lot of people Um, yeah, I think there's a lot of guys out there who could do with the help that you bring I'd like to finish with asking you to give one little bit of advice One of the biggest problems that we're facing today Is a certain amount of work. It basically comes from slut shaming. It's it's really about shaming women But the time has become the vagina. It's too loose You know, so if a man feels I'm I'm getting man writing into me constantly saying My wife and I uh, we've been married for about six months. We have a great Sex life, but now after six months, I've noticed that her vagina has become loose And the pleasure is not as intense. What should we do? Can you can you please maybe and Say something around This is the fact that vaginas don't get loose and what it is that they should be doing to understand How pleasure and sex changes Yeah, thank you for sharing this and um Yeah, I hate to be the bearer of bad news to those men, but that's not what's happening at all Um, women's vaginas are extremely elastic. They can stretch They can and they go back to normal so they can expand but then they can try And if you're having sex for six months, I don't care if you're having sex five times a day every day You're not going to stretch your part his vagina to the point where it doesn't feel good anymore I think it's really important to understand that women's vaginas also change throughout their cycles So depending on what phase they're in it could be a different feeling the cervix moves at different points in the cycle so Understanding that it's not the same every single time, but that doesn't mean it's loose at its loss then it's gone um, so yeah, I think that Is definitely something that's maybe in his head Maybe he's actually a little bit more concerned about himself and maybe as Some reservations about his own size. I don't know um But yeah, your partner is not going to get loose um From having sex for six months It's it's become one of those things that you know, like we get guys I mean There's a girl who wrote in and said that a partner told her this this the he was up first um They had sex I don't know maybe about for a couple of weeks and he told her your vagina has become loose, you know So this has become like when go to phrase when you want to put a woman down It's like oh your widget or when you're not able to when a man is not able to um Make sex pleasurable which we've said already We're never taught how to have sex properly most of our start off by being really bad at it But instead of saying, okay, we really don't know we need to learn better We should be able to figure out what else we can do The then go to phrase has become You've had sex before your vagina is loose because the first time I had sex with you It was so tight. I could barely get inside And we keep saying it's because as a woman become more comfortable with sex She knows how to position her body so that she can avoid the pain and things can be better I I just don't know whether you want to um Yeah, leave everybody with one word of one line of fantastic advice On how they can maybe just Change the way that they approach Yeah, I sexual man a man who believes that I would need quite a bit of time with them I think but I'm to fully understand but Definitely if you're a man who thinks that like please please don't project your own Insecurities or inadequacies about sex onto your partner That is not okay and Trying to shame or put down your partner because of a lack of comfort or You know of something in your experience is not okay You know take responsibility for your own pleasure And understand what it is that you want and need and ask for that You know don't blame your partner for that That's really good advice and then I would in this case I don't think it really adds up But I do want to say there is such thing as genital compatibility and everyone is different and there are women who Would love to have a really large penis and there's other women who simply cannot and There are men with the same preferences, you know back and forth so Understanding that sometimes It's not a match and that that's possible. It doesn't mean you can't make it work But it might mean you need to make some adjustments and you might need to do different things that you didn't normally do You know the position the chapter on positions in the council to the first of all the council is not a book about positions but There is a chapter on positions and the reason it was written was for genital compatibility because the author of the council says that The first thing about sex is that sex should be for pleasure. It should be totally pleasurable enjoys Otherwise, it's no point having sex at all and the very first thing that leads towards pleasurable sex is if the Sexual organs are compatible in size But we can't always end up with a partner where you have the same kind of size Compatibility and so the positions were created to synchronize the sizes of the sexual organs it's uh, absolutely right and instead of you know, maybe attacking your partner or or accusing them of something How about coming together and saying hey, was that pleasurable for you? I didn't maybe it wasn't as pleasurable for me. Can we try it in a different way next time? Can we try this can we try that and You know what I want to say is that sex is a learned skill and there's tons of resources out there There's free resources. There's resources you can pay for For you to learn about sex and understand and a quick google search on like the best you know sex positions for Whatever your genital compatibility is bloom You're gonna find something and you can say hey Can we try this next time and maybe you know, is this something that you're open to and explore sex in that way with open communication and Together as a team as opposed to saying hey, you should have done this or a you're not doing that or something's wrong with you Come at it Together and that will put you in a much better position to Have a good healthy pleasurable sex I want to just add something to that good sex is a learned skill Yeah Pleasurable sex good fabulous Really exciting you sex is a learned skill. Absolutely. You know, I mean, it's an innate thing that we all You know understand that we want sex But yeah, do you want it to be really good and you want to have deep connection? Then you can learn how to do that that information is available Yes, and on that I'd like to say thank you so much Alex for being with us today Um, I I just think that you have brought so much clarity To so many things and I really hope that just as a man talking to men I hope that your voice will reach further For everybody for everybody out there who feels and they have Deeper issues around maybe premature ejaculation or what you think is erectile dysfunction or Just other problems and you need to consult with Alex I know that he's available on Alex you're on Yeah, this is you know, if you're a man who's really struggling with performance anxiety in the form of erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation Please come and check out my website at superiorlovers.com. You can Uh Learn a little bit more about what I do and if you feel aligned you can book a call in Directly with me and we can see if we're the right fit to work together Um, but if you're someone who is just kind of exploring this it's not a huge need If that's something that's You know really affecting your life and you want to get some great advice for free Then definitely check out my youtube channel. You can just search for alex grandie And uh, there's tons of amazing advice there if you're willing to put in the work and watch the videos You'll get everything you need to know to fix these problems anyway That's amazing. And of course, we're going to put all of this information in the um in the caption below So even if you didn't catch the name of the website, which by the way was superiorlovers.com But if you didn't get it it'll all be written out over there and you will be able to access it very easily And if you found that this video was helpful, please do like comment subscribe You need to send in more question. I am on info.seema.on and gmail.com as always And um, yeah, we hope that this has been very useful for you I know that there is a lot of information out there that will be amazing in your sex life So jubile, please check it out to follow some of it In the meantime, um, stay safe stay well And from both Alex and me take care of yourselves. See you next time