 The Herald Parry Show, as Honest Herald, the homemaker. Well, it's a big day in the little town of Melrose Springs. Yes, this is the day when the voters go to the polls to elect their new mayor. Will it be Honest Herald Hemp, local radio favorite, or his opponent and boss, Stanley Peabody, manager of the local radio station? Right now, Honest Herald is nervously pacing up and down in the office of his campaign manager, Doc Yancey, the veterinarian. Oh, why don't you sit down and relax, Herald? We're wearing out the congoleum. How can I relax, Doc? When are the returns going to start coming in? Well, any minute now, but you've got nothing to worry about, with a political wizard like me running your campaign. Ewww. And I want you to know, Herald, my animals are with you to a man. Good. Too bad they can't vote. That is except the bunnies. Now, some of the rabbits are for Peabody and some are for you. I guess that's what you call splitting hairs. Doc, this is no time for one of your bums. There's the phone. Yes, I hear it. Answer it, will you? Maybe some returns are coming in. Honest Herald Hemp, premier headquarters, Dr. Yancey, veterinarian and campaign manager speaking. Oh. Who is it? Precinct number one, George Schrader's grocery store. Grocery store? Has he got some returns? What's that, George? Ten and twenty-five? Is that ten and twenty-five votes? No, it's ten and twenty-five cents. He's having a special on tapioca today. Tapioca? Tell him I don't want any. Nothing today, George. Goodbye. Tapioca, call precinct number two, will you, Doc? Oh, that's the schoolhouse. All right. Two o'clock. We ought to have some of the votes counted. Yes, I imagine they... Hello? Miss Eigen first? This is Dr. Yancey. Have you counted any votes there yet? What's that? Seven. Oh, isn't that wonderful? Seven votes for me? No, no, Harold. Miss Eigen first's dog had seven puppies. Four boys and three girls. Congratulations. Miss Eigen first, Harold sends his congratulations. How is the little mother? She was a little depressed, huh? So do I. Oh, well, that's only natural. Doc, ask her about the votes. Well, now, Miss Eigen first, who do everything you can to cheer that dog up? Hey, maybe you can let her watch the television tonight. Yeah, maybe she can watch Bulldog Grumman. Doc, the votes. Oh, oh, Harold wants to know if you've counted the votes. Oh, you have? What's that? Oh, thanks very much. Goodbye. What did she say, Doc? Harold, smartest thing you ever did making me your campaign manager. How many votes have I got? Twenty for Peabody. Yeah. And 45 for Honest Harold. How are the little puppies? At this rate, it'll be a landslide. You think so, Doc? Yeah, there's no doubt about it. Now, we better start making plans for a big victory rally tonight. All right, I'll get right on it. Say just a minute. We better tell my animals the good news. Friends, quiet now. I've got some wonderful news. Here's got the first returns, and I want you to meet the new mayor of Melrose Springs, Honest Harold. Thank you. Thank you. Mind Elmer, Harold. He's a diehard. He still soar about Alph Landon. Guys, I really can't believe it, Doc. Mayor Harold Hemp. Doc, old friend. I don't know how to thank you for all you've done for me. Oh, it wasn't so much. All I did was manage your whole campaign single-handedly. Yeah, you did that, Doc. That was kind of true. Didn't miss many tricks. Yeah. Well, guess I'll go home and tell Mother the good news. In fact, I don't know anyone who could run your campaign any better. Yeah, well, it's just sort of a knack I have, I guess. Doc, I admit it. You did a wonderful job. Oh, it wasn't so much. All I did was manage your whole campaign single-handedly. Goodbye, Doc. Can't believe it. Looks like I'm really going to be mayor. I'll be the leading civic dignitary of Melrose Springs. Say, I wonder if the mayor gets in the movies free. Here's Ed's cleaning place. I think I'll drop in and get my suit pressed. I'll look my best at the big victory rally tonight. Well, howdy, Ed. Well, hello, Harold. You know, Ed, you're looking at the next mayor. Well, congratulations, your honor. Thanks. Going to have a big victory rally tonight. Just thought I'd get my suit pressed. Oh, you're going to wear that suit? Huh? Well, your mayor should have an official outfit, your honor. Official? Well, I guess so, but I don't own one of those cutaways. Oh, that's too bad. But say, Chum, you are in luck because I just happen to think of something. What's that? Well, I just happen to have a cutaway suit here in the shop that'll fit you. Well, now it's slightly used, but it's a magnificent garment. Now, why don't you just take a look at it, your honor? Well, I guess it wouldn't hurt to look at it, I guess. Why, of course not. Hey, I'll just try on the coat. Yeah, thanks. Yeah, it's kind of heavy, isn't it? Yeah, well, it's sharks, you see. Oh. Made from an extra heavy shark. See, what's that fashion to the coattail? Well, it's a goldfish bowl. Yes, now I forget to mention it, your honor, but this masterpiece of the tailor's art was left here by a magician. Oh? Yeah, Marvello the Great. He played the opera house last night. Oh, yeah, the fellow with the disappearing pigeons. Precisely. Well, I don't think I want a magician suit. Now, why don't you just slip the coat on for size? Yeah, yeah, yeah, all right. Can't get my arm through the sleeve. What's that? What do you know? A collapsible bird cage. Well, that's how he made the pigeon disappear, eh? Yes, sir. And I will throw in the bird cage at no extra chance. Oh, well, I don't know. Now, why don't you try on that high silk hat, your honor? Oh, one of those, huh? Well, okay. I'll just... Oh! What flew out of the hat? Oh, my goodness. A pigeon. Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness, a pigeon. And I don't think I want their suit. Now, your honor, this will make your victory rally a big success. It will? Why, sure, you will be the first mayor in Melrose Springs to give a speech and a magic show at the same time. Well, maybe you're right, Ed. Mayor Hemp, the magician. Think I'll go down and make Stanley Peabody disappear. Good morning, Station K's JP. Election results? Well, early returns will be broadcast at 7 o'clock. You're welcome. Well, good morning, Gloria. Good morning. Why Harold? What are you doing in that outfit? Just bought it, Gloria. Meet Mayor Hemp, the magician. Who? Alakazam, Alakazai. The hand is quicker than the eye. What? Take a card, Gloria. Any card? All right. Now, madam, you have your card. What is it? The Queen of Hearts. Right. Gee, Harold. Why did you do that trick? It came with a suit. And now for my next trick, ladies and gentlemen, I'll make a pigeon appear. Is that you, Hemp? Mr. Peabody. Yeah, instead of a pigeon, I get a pelican. Hemp, what are you doing in that comedy costume? Halloween was last night. Very funny. Just why are you wearing that outlandish outfit? Your information, Stanley. This is my victory suit. Victory? Yeah. It looks more like unconditional surrender. Is that so? It just so happens that I'm leading 45 to 20, Stanley. That's two to one. Why don't you concede, Peabody? Hemp, this election is far from over. Don't forget the old story about the tortoise and the hare. Well, I'm the tortoise. You've got a good neck for it. And another thing. You may be running against me for mayor, but in this station, I'm the boss. Take off that silly high hat. Yes, sir. Hemp, is that a pigeon that flew out of your hat? Yes, Stanley. I just dropped in to give you the bird. See you later. Come on, Doc. Let's get on with the rehearsal. All right, Harold. The great idea I had having this victory rally on your front porch. Oh, Harold. Yes, Mother? Dr. Yancy said he wanted to hang up a picture of you out here on the front porch. So I brought this one. Mother, that's my baby picture. I'm lying on a bearskin rug. That's a good political picture, Harold. The borders can see you're not hiding anything from them. Well, I'd better get back to the kitchen. I'm making a whole batch of cookies for tonight. Oh, good, Mother. Well, better rehearse the orchestra, Doc. Another hour they'll be on over time. Where's my baton? Oh, fellows, musicians, will you please put away those racing forms and look at me? I heard that, Meakin. Now, here's the lineup. First, I'll make my acceptance speech. I'll keep it short and sincere. Forty-five minutes should be enough. Then I do a few magic tricks, fellas. And for a grand finale, I croon a number. Now we'll try my entrance music. Now try to follow me. Ready? Go. You're fighting me. Hey, Harold. What is it, Doc? Wanna listen to me rehearse my introduction speech now? Can't you see that I'm busy? Well, I say a lot of nice things about you, Harold. Oh, you do? Well, all right, let's hear it. All right. Ladies and gentlemen, this victory was won by a courageous man fighting against overwhelming odds. A man you were all speaking of none other than the new mayor's campaign manager, yours truly, Dr. Yance. You're supposed to be talking about me. Now, you might be interested in a few brief facts about my life. In 1910, I graduated from veterinary college. That's when I got my sheepskin. Where did enough money to start my practice? I took a job on a ranch. Before long, I became the man they could depend on to drive the sheep. I was the only one who could make a U-turn. That's enough. By the time you get through introducing me, my term will be up. The polls close in three hours. You should be out there working for me. All right, Harold. That's all the things I get for being the man behind the throne. I'll make a U-turn. A joke like that could lead to a recall. That's a nice follow, but sometimes... Harold, I've got some wonderful news. What's that, Mother? They just broadcast the latest election returns. Stanley Feabody, 620. And my son, 948. Let's have the victory song, huh, fellas? Listen to this, Mother. That's wonderful. When cares pursue me, I'm never gloomy. I keep on singing a song. Though the clouds hang low, I laugh at woe and go row, row, rowing along. No need to hurry, no need to worry that things are gonna go wrong. Like the birds that sing, I dream of spring as I'm row, row, rowing along. Or give me the moon for a blanket and give me the stars overhead. I'll make the mountains in my doorstep. I'll make the desert my bed. I'll spend the hours among the flowers. I'll stay away from the throng. Let it rain or shine. The world is mine Turn for the second act of our story, honest, herald in just a moment. We Americans have a valuable heritage, a heritage of individual freedom that includes the freedom to worship, as we wish, at the church or synagogue of our choice. By attending church regularly, we can gain the moral and spiritual strength to meet the many problems which confront us today. Help support your church and attend regularly with your family. And now, back to honest, herald, the homemaker. Well, the early election returns indicate a smashing success for honest, herald in the race for mayor of Melrose Springs. In fact, herald is so confident of victory that he has decided to go down to the city hall and say goodbye to the old mayor. Certainly glad I thought of this. Dropping in to see old mayor McHenry, the sporting thing to do. I wonder why he didn't run for the election. I knew he couldn't beat me. Hope the mayor's in. Hmm, wonder where he is. There's no ball game today. Who it was? I wonder how he got up there. Must have on his Adler's shoes. I'll be right down. Looks like I'm going to be the next mayor. You are? Well, congratulations. It's a lovely job. I suppose it is. I just thought I'd commit. What was that? Oh, that was nothing. Just Mr. Snodgrass. He throws a brick through the window every day at this time. He hates old mayors. He does? You'll get used to it. Just remember to duck every day at 3 o'clock. Oh. It's a lovely job. Well, I just came in to say... Excuse me, Harold, telephone. Telephone? Yes, this is Mayor McCann, Rick. You've heard Mrs. Wiggleseth. You've heard... Mrs. Wiggleseth, watch your language. Goodbye. Who's that? That was the lady chairman of the sewing circle. Sewing circle? Yes, they sit in a circle and call me a sewing soul. Yes, they do, but it's a lovely job. I just wanted to... Say, Mayor, is that a bump on your head? Yes, I got that in the line of duty, Harold. Line of duty? Mrs. Green hit me with her umbrella because I wouldn't lower bus fares. So I finally lowered them. What's that bump on the other side? That's where Mr. McDonald hit me. He owns the bus company. But it's a lovely job. Of course you have to work 14 hours a day, seven days a week. Seven days a week? And you're always in debt. In debt? Yes, every time they give away a key to the city, they take it out of your salary. Oh, you'd be surprised how those keys count up. But it's a lovely job. Well, I think I'll go home now and pack a bag. A bag? Are you going on a trip? Not exactly. I'm going to a sanatorium for a six-weeks rescuer. A rescuer? Oh, it's not serious. It's just the doctor's idea. He thinks being Mayor has affected my nerves. But that's silly. It's a lovely job. It's just that you have to keep calm, that's all. Lower bus fares, higher bus fares, balance the budget, lower taxes. Please this group, please that group, work all day, study all night, threatening letters, people hate you, dogs hate you, cats hate you, you even hate yourself. Lovely job. Certainly glad I saw the Mayor. Sure don't want that job. I've got to work real hard now and see if I can lose this election. I feel kind of silly sneaking around in front of this polling place, though. If I can just talk some people into voting for Peabody. Oh, yeah, here comes a voter. Hey, you! What? I want to talk to you. Me? Yeah. Come here. Oh, hello, Mr. Amp. Didn't recognize you hiding behind that telephone pole. Well, there wasn't any tree handy. I mean... Are you going in to vote? Yes, I am. Were you going to vote for me? That happens to be my business. You politicians will stoop to anything. Camp painting around the election booth. Pretty shoddy trick trying to get votes this way. Wait a minute. I'm not trying to get votes. I want you to vote against me. Why? Yeah, I'd make a terrible mayor, honestly. Why, I don't know the first thing about the job. You don't? No. What about all those things you said in your campaign speech? Well, you know, campaign speeches? Believe me, if you want a good mayor, vote for my opponent, Stanley Peabody. You really mean that? I certainly do. What am I? Just a radio crooner? You know, crooners? They're all bohemians. Yes, yes, that's true. I may not look it, but I am just a gypsy. A fond of dancing, light wines and beer. Well, you've convinced me, Mr. Hemp. I have? Yes. I was going to vote for Peabody, but your honesty is so refreshing, I've changed my mind. I'm going to vote for you. I'll see you later. Mr. Whitmer, wait a minute. You can't do this. Certainly hard to lose an election. I wonder how William Jennings Bryan always did it. I'm still way ahead. The election isn't over yet. Maybe if Peabody got out and did some last-minute campaigning, he could still turn the tide. I wonder if I could talk him into it. It's my only chance. Hello, Gloria. Hello, Mr. Mayor. Gloria, please don't call me that. Say, have you voted yet? No, but I'm going to right after work, and I'm going to vote for... Guess who? Look, Gloria, I want you to vote for Stanley Peabody. Oh, aren't you the kidder? Gloria, I'm not kidding. Peabody's the best man for the job. He's got a longer record than I have. Yes, but you've got longer eyelashes. Laurie, I'm warning you. If you don't vote for Peabody, I'll never bring you another Tootsie Roll. I don't care, Harold. You're my little old Tootsie Roll. Yum, yum, yum. I'll see you later. I hope Peabody's in. Come in. Oh, Stanley. Oh, hello, Hem. I wanted to talk to you about the election, Stanley. Oh, I suppose you want to rub it in just because you've won. Oh, but I haven't won yet. Are you trying to tell me I don't know what I'm talking about? Don't tell me about politics. I know when I've lost an election. In fact, I think I'll call the newspaper right now and tell them I concede. Stanley, you can't do that to me. I mean... What? You can still win the election if you get out in campaign, old man. Remember, the game isn't over till the final whistle is fired. A man may never be down, but he's never up... or something. What's the matter with you? Don't give up now, Stanley. Get out and give it the old college try. Please, Stanley, please. Hem, get up off your knees. What's behind all of this? Why are you so anxious to lose the election all of a sudden? Well, just because I think you're a better man for the job than I am. Naturally. Anyone would be better than a dunderhead like you. This isn't going to be easy. I can't understand why anyone in their right mind could bolt for a boob like you. Why, it's so ridiculous I have to laugh. Me too. What a pretty body. Hem, you're one step removed from a moron. I am? I thought I was standing too close to you. Lost my head. Didn't do myself any good with peabody, sir. What am I going to do? Just got to lose this election. Hey, I got myself arrested that might do it. Nobody votes for a jailbird. I know. I could open that fire hydrant there. Flood the street. Yeah, that's against the law. I'll just loosen this little nut here. There. Good thing I got my Boy Scout knife with me. Yeah, it's unscrewing a little more. Oh, brother, look at it go. Now I'll get out of the marshall and turn myself in. Maybe I can float down. Cruisin' down the river on a Sunday afternoon. The marshall. His father, old Cleat, is here again. He's the slowest human being. Cleat. Howdy, Harold. Cleat, why don't you take care of something right away for me? You'll have to wait a minute, Harold. Can't you see I'm practicing? Practicing? Yep. Been taking these accordion lessons for six months now. Well, where's the accordion? I ain't up to that part yet. Cleat, I just broke the law. Oh, you did? Say, those accordion people just sent me off for pretty peace. What? Roses are shining in pithety. Cleat? In the harsh of the fire. Cleat, I want you to arrest me. Arrest? Yes. Oh, what for? I just turned on a fire hydrant. Say, that's against the law. I know that. That's why I want you to arrest me. Well, okay. But first, I'll have to fill out a form. Oh. Here we go again. Now, let's see. Melanie. Mr. Meena. Wonder what became of her. Who? Mr. Meena. I got you. Hurry up, will you, Cleat? Okay, I got the form. Now, where was this fire hydrant? Down at 4th and Main. 4th and Main. Let me write that down. Come on, the water's flooding the street. If you don't hurry up, we'll all be drowned. We'll all be drowned. Let me write that down. Come on, Cleat. You can fill out that form later. Please arrest me. All right, Harold. Here goes. By the powers invested in me by the city of Melrose Springs, I, Cleat, acting for Pete, not Pete, acting for Cleat, yes, but Cleat, acting for Pete, hereby place you under... Oh, there you go. This is the office. Fire hydrant. Yes, Harold did it. I will. Goodbye. That was the city engineer, Harold. Was he mad about me turning on the fire hydrant? No, he was glad. Said it was the first time the street had been cleaned in six months. I'll have taste dismissed. What? Roses are shining in Piccadilly. Why don't you go there? Get ready for my victory rally. I get into the darnedest messes. Gosh, I don't want to be mayor. Well, it is not as terrible. What? How are you tonight, mayor? He can be happy. I'm the one that's going to have the nervous breakdown. I can just see myself a year from now. I'll be old, worn out, bumps on my head. Hope I don't forget the duck at three o'clock every day. I was so happy being a radio crooner, a bohemian. Harold! Oh, Harold! Oh, hello, Doc. I've been looking all over for you. I got news for you. Yes, I'm mayor, huh, Doc? I just got the latest results. Peabody made a big last-minute spurt, and you're both tied. Tied? We are? Is everybody in town voted? Well, everybody who's eligible except one person. Then his vote will decide the election. Who's the more on the didn't vote? You. Well, I'll talk... What? Not only ten minutes, so hurry down to the polls and vote yourself in. Well, Harold, congratulations. You're the new mayor. That's what you think. Stanley's going to look awfully good with those bumps on his head. You have just heard the Harold Perry show, Honest Harold, who returns in just a moment with an important announcement. The supporting players tonight included Jane Morgan, Ken Peters, Frank Nelson, Leo Cleary, Sheldon Leonard, and Jack Moyles, and featured Gloria Holiday as Gloria and Joseph Kearns as Old Doc Yak Yak. Norman MacDonald directed, and the music was composed and conducted by Jack Meakin. Honest Harold, created by Harold Perry, was written by Jean Stone, Jack Robinson, and Bill Danch. Now back to Harold Perry. Well, Bob, the Honest Harold Laugh Contest is over. The entries are all in, and in a short while, the national winner will be announced. The lucky lady will be flown to Hollywood by TWA Constellation, where she'll stay at the beautiful Country Club Hotel. And speaking of trips, Bob, I'm going to be up in Portland, Oregon this Friday for the Hollywood boosters there. Maybe I'll meet some laughers up there, huh? Well, see you next week, folks. Good night. And now stay tuned for Bing Crosby, who follows immediately over most of these same CBS stations. Bob LeMond speaking. This is CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System.