 From Hollywood the Phil Harris Alice Faye show For your enjoyment here is the Phil Harris Alice Faye show written by Ray Singer and Dick Trevely with Elliot Lewis Walter Tetley Robert North Janine Roos and Whitfield Walter Sharpen his music yours truly Bill Foreman and starring Alice Faye and Bill Harris Last week Phil persuaded a sponsor to sign him and Alice for a radio show However, when he found out that Alice had also signed a burlesque contract the sponsor was furious He couldn't break his contract with Phil and Alice, but he insisted that as long as they were on the air for him They would never be allowed to mention the name of his company or his product The thing this should happen to me Me who has led such an exemplary life good gravy I've devoted my whole existence fighting temptation and trying to better myself Only to wind up married to a burlesque queen The eaghomony of the whole You know I signed that contract by mistake now. Will you please stop? How can I stop? I can picture it now you up on that burlesque stage and me forced to sit in the audience and watch you How will I ever be able to face my dear old father? Just turn around he'll be sitting right in back up Oh Why dad did you get in on a pass? Calm down. I have no intention. I should have listened to mother She told me that you Hollywood stars lead wild lives, but I never expected this now I'm warning you tomorrow morning when you go out to bathe in your ill-gotten swimming pool You'll find me floating on my back Goodbye Gloria Yes, you stop picking on my sister you big bully just one more remark from you and I'll You what I'll stand on this chair and punch you right in the nose You do and I'll scuff your crocheted booties But William I think you ought to have a talk with your wayward sister because of her I'm not allowed to mention my sponsor's name. Don't blame Alice. It's your fault It's always your fault You just can't seem to get along with the sponsors. I think there's something wrong with you What do you mean? Have you ever thought of having your head examined? I think you're suffering from a neurosis which is causing a violent psychopathic disturbance Resulting in a pressure on your cranial area Ah In short you ain't hitting on all your cylinders client Phillip now. Why don't you go to a good psychiatrist and let him study a little mind? Last month he had a complete checkup from head to toe and the doctor couldn't find anything wrong with him His toes are perfect all nine of them I'll thank you not to make fun of my infirmity Stop trying to change the subject It's very embarrassing to have a contract with a big company like RCA and not be allowed to mention it on the air The contract says we're not allowed to mention it to each other either Why worry about it Phillip as long as they send you a check every week and that's another thing They don't pay us by check. They don't want the bank to know about it either Well, how do they pay you in cash? On Friday night the sponsor meets me and pays me off in a dark alley The whole ritual we go through every week I have to meet him in a different alley a guard comes in first to make sure there's nobody around and the sponsor comes In a disguise pays me off. I walk out the alley. There's a gunshot and I go home What's the gunshot for the sponsor kills the guard to make sure he don't tell no Maybe I am but it might just as well happen that way with all the secrecy we go through you can't tell where you're coming Daddy we want to ask you a favor. We found something outside and we want to know if we can keep it Well, that depends. What'd you find a Mexican Chihuahua? Can we have it? No, you can't That Mexican food is too spicy for your little A Chihuahua is a dog fill us fill us don't correct your daddy I'm older than you and I know what I'm talking about a Chihuahua is something to eat Now the dog you're thinking of is called the enchilada Otherwise known as the Mexican hair lip He thinks he doesn't need a psychiatrist Well, whatever you call it daddy, we'd like to show it to you. All right, call him in Senor Lopez vengar key Chacho hey loaded Dolores del Rio Hey Alice our kids a linguist listen to the way she rattles off that higher glyphics She talks like a native hieroglyph Speaking Spanish Well daddy here it is here. What is Oh This is a dog get that cocktail saucy jade Well because I've never seen such a nude animal in my life He looks positively indecent he hasn't got a hair on it he looks like Jackson getting ready for bed No, honey if you want a dog go out and get one with some hair on him get a dog that looks like a dog Now take that thing out of here Papa don't like for you to be in the house. I think Well, I have to run along And Philip I would worry about not being able to do a commercial But William I've got to worry about not being able to do a commercial if we don't do a commercial on the program We'll have three minutes left over I haven't suggested if we have three minutes. I could sing two songs now wait a minute Just why should I let you sing two songs instead of me because you're sweet You're generous you're the gentleman and you'll get cut off without a penny if you don't I'm overwhelmed by the logic of your argument Sing Mrs. Gotgelt I think you're wonderful. I may be wrong I think I like your style. I'm always wrong How can I tell all of my things are unsightly All of my rings are a crime you I picked right It's the very first time Wonderful, I think you're grand, but I may be wrong But I can't see snow How can I tell Fuses to us are all aces Life is to me just a bore Paces are all open spaces You might be Gary wonderful. That was magnificent. That was superb. Would you lend me two hundred dollars? What kind of an entrance was that Remly? What do you need money for now to manufacture and exploit my latest invention? Invention what invention? I have discovered the greatest boon to mankind since the plunging neckline Frankie please quiet honey quiet this I got to hear What do you got going for you, Arville? Charlie I got a formula for a product that there'll be a tremendous demand for now listen What do the men in the United States want more than anything else? You found a way to manufacture women Oh No, but your clothes Men want women with beautiful complexions and this morning at breakfast I discovered a face cream that'll give every woman a peaches and cream complexion Gee that sounds wonderful. What's it made of peaches and cream? Oh That sounds great, how did you discover that? What was accidental I dozed off at the breakfast table and my face fell in the puffed right Oh Then when I rubbed off that mixture of cream and peach juice it left my skin like a baby just feel it Alice Alright, I'll feel it Hey, it does feel smooth, but it's kind of lumpy lumpy How do you like that? I forgot to wipe off the puffed rice All right Remly you may go now back to your laboratory professor Look, we don't like this one, but I think if you'll apply yourself you can come up with a good crackpot idea Well work on it if you think there's a market for crack pot Remly go home And be careful on the way. I don't want any squirrels dragging you into the underbrush He might have something in that face cream Yeah I can just see the ads now She's lovely. She's engaged. She dunks her face and puffed rice I don't mean puffed rice, but did you know that oatmeal is good for the Complexion and that milk is good for the complexion and well if you can get a good face cream out of it You won't have any trouble at all selling it to women Hey Alice if you think so you ought to know hey Remly, maybe you have got something Yeah, but there's only one trouble takes a lot of money to promote something like this You got to advertise in the magazines newspapers radio. That's no problem. I can get you all the radio advertising you want where for nothing on your show We'll let you mention his product so we'll mention our product That's it. I've been worrying over what kind of a commercial I should do and now we got it our own product Yeah, we'll make a fortune. Come on. Let's get started selling curly. You take one side of this street I'll take the other okay. I'll get the sample case and we'll get going right now Wait a minute. Wait a minute watch sample case. You haven't invented the face cream yet That's such a my new technicality Certainly we'll knock this thing off in five minutes. Come on Remly. Let's go into kitchen and put max factor out of business This will be the greatest invention since Whitney squeezed gin at a cotton Good luck to you fellas. I know you'll succeed Because with your technical ability and fertile brains you can't miss Thank you gal Honey you want to come in the kitchen watch us make it. Thanks. I'll wait right here. It might blow up Well, we got the stuff boiling curly, how do you think it'll turn out gonna turn out great? Oh, man Did you ever hear face cream that sounded better? Hey, what do you got in it so far Frankie oatmeal milk and a dash of ketchup What's the ketchup for seasoning a Dane puts this on her face in the morning and when her husband kisses her goodbye. She not only looks good. She tastes good Figures what else you think we ought to put in well Alice uses a honey and almond cream honey and almond That sounds okay. You got any honey? No, but we got some maple syrup. That ought to work. It's just as sweet as honey Put it in Now you got some almonds. No How about some walnuts? Uh-oh all we got is some of these. What are they salted cashews? Put them in Okay, this ought to do it now just stir it for a little while that looks great curling Keep stirring it. I am I Don't hear the spoon scraping but I tell you I'm really Frankie What the spoon dissolved? Oh Well little sterling silver will give it a touch of class Wait a minute. No, I made a mistake this the spoon felt to the bottom. Oh, well, I guess it's done now turn off the gas Curly I can't wait to try this stuff neither. Can I? Well hold still and I'll throw some on your face. Keep away from me You ain't putting on that molten lava on my kid Can't hurt you. Well if it can't hurt you put some on I can't I Got very sensitive skin Then put it on your tongue Yeah, it might be a pleasant change after that clove you keep glued there This might even feel soothing All right, I'll try it. There's just food stuff in there. Can't hurt me. I'll put a little around my lips How is it Remly? Delicious Delicious. Yeah, that's the best face cream I ever tasted Here try some of it Curly. Let me see Hey Mmm, this is wonderful. I wouldn't mind having this for breakfast every morning This is better than any cereal I ever had and Curly We have given it to the world given what the only face cream you could eat for breakfast Remly don't be stupid you Hey, wait a minute Sure, this is even better than the face cream. We've got a breakfast cereal. I Don't know Sounds kind of sneaky to start out with face cream and end up with a breakfast But don't you see Remly face cream only women use but breakfast cereal everybody uses Why we can package this stuff and make a fortune. Yeah. Oh wait a minute this stuff can't be a success It don't make any noise No way talking about noise to be a success of breakfast food has to snap pop crackle squeak grunt a groom Nobody's gonna buy a silent cereal Yeah, I never thought I got it. Hmm Remly hand me that bottle now then I'll just add two jiggers of bourbon What's the bourbon for what can't you see we'll have the only breakfast food that hiccups Curly that last is a touch of genius now even if our customers don't like our cereal it won't make any difference They'll be too loaded to complain Oh As soon as we get this stuff on the market, we'll be wealthy. Yeah, I'll be as rich as Rockefeller Who knows I may even get to the point where I'll be as rich as Alice Just settle for Rockefeller how much can you carry? Now look Remly, let's get this What's that? Oh That's that ball Mexican the kids brought in go away mutt will you get out of here beat it? Come on get lost we got work to do hey curly We better put a little of the breakfast food in the jar and take it down and have it pat Yeah, you're right. You know we can't afford to have this formula stolen here put it in this jar Now you hold it and I'll pour it and we'll get it beat it Will you pooch will you get away from me get away mutt? Let go of my leg. Hey hold it still curly You look out you're spilling it all over the dog Really got out of here fast didn't eat that breakfast food seems to be a little strong Yeah, well he's just a thin-skinned dog Most people have tougher stomach lining come on let's get this jar over to the pattern off But wait a minute now What are we going to do with the stuff that's left over there in the pot leave it there when we come back? We can start packaging it come on curly Hey, you know something once we get this on the market We're gonna make a fortune that'll show Alice that I can be a success on my own Boo boo, maybe the queen of burlesque, but you'll be the cereal king But I get news for she ain't gonna go into no burlesque when I get all this dough I'll buy her contract back from Milligan, then she won't have to worry Hey Milligan, what are you doing here looking for the star of the show boo boo fair? Where is that shimmy shaking sheba? Now look Milligan my wife ain't gonna appear in your burlesque show and what's wrong with burlesque? Well, there's nothing but Alice ain't the type she would know what to do That's that all taken care of. Gipsy Rose is coming over tonight to teach her all the fundamentals Look Milligan, I don't care whose cup. Gips coming over Old Gip, huh? Well, it wouldn't do any harm to watch you. Maybe she'll Hey look Milligan Alice can't be no bubble dancer She was a great singer on Broadway, and she was a star at 20th century Fox chicken feed I'll make it bigger than ever when I get through with her. She'll be the rage of skin roll Somehow doesn't seem dignified enough for Alice. She might get bad publicity I look like the kind of a guy I do anything on dignified I got the most dignified publicity campaign planned out for little boo boo you ever heard of yeah, what are you gonna do? I got it arranged for the cops to raid the joint What's dignified about that they'll be wearing tuxedos Call it off. She ain't gonna show up. She better show up for three weeks I've been advertising Alice playing if she don't show I'm gonna sue her for the food I had to buy for those 600 guys What's 600 guys and ball had it one's been sitting in the audience for three weeks They won't go home to booboo shows up Because she ain't gonna show up During the day I have six hundred scalp shining in my eyes That's not the noise driving me mad. What noise you ever sit in the dark and listen to six hundred arteries heartin Gotta get back to the theater now stand with their three o'clock adrenaline shots Come on now remember our slogan more doctors would rather see a bubble dancer than smooth That guy never gives up Forget him we got to get this stuff down in the patent office. Hey when this breakfast food hits the market We're gonna really beat the big Hey now listen get that dog a pooch. I told you to beat it. Hey remedy Look at the dog What about it? He's covered with hair He was bald as a cucumber before and now look at him. Yeah, he's got hair all over his body I wonder how he grew it so fast What could he put on that it'd make hair grow that fast? I don't know Unless it was the stuff we spilled on him and that Girl Do you think Remly We did it We've discovered a sensational hair grower This is even better than a breakfast food bald headed men will pay fortunes to have their hair restored Come on now. Let's get this hairy store patented before it turns into something else Hey to think that we discovered something everybody What's your hurry? Hello Julius. Hey son. We've got great news for you. Guess what? This has been drafted Curly and me have invented something Julius. We've discovered the greatest thing since Edison found the incanasta light This invention we got Julius is sensational A breakfast food that grows hair What's going on for I'm trying to talk your language You heard me and it's going to be a big seller too naturally Is a great demand today for hairline stomachs You see this breakfast food is really a face cream that you rub on your scalp and it grows hair Fellas, can I ask you a question? Why Are you really two people or just one person with two heads? Look Julius, I'll make it simple for you. We got a hairy store that actually grows hair Now you see that dog over there Ten minutes ago. He was bald and now look at all the hair on him. Holy smokes. It works Hey, give me a bottle of that stuff to take home My father's been looking for something like that for years. Is your father bald? No, my mother is What's the comedy we got no time for that kind of what do you want honey? Yeah, I just tried that face cream you left in the kitchen and it feels wonderful on my face. Well, it should it's the best hairy boy Oh, no, she put it on her face. I think you've got something different Phil. He certainly has He'll have the only wife on the block with a van dyke Maybe you listen to me. This is nothing to joke about if she ever found out that uh-oh Here she comes now. Look fellas. No crack about what she's got on her face Phil, I want you to feel my face and see how smooth your face cream made it feel Uh, well, I'd rather not dear. Why not? You know, I want to scratch his hands This thing is something you ought to know. Now quiet Julius. Don't let him talk Phil What were you going to say Julius? I just wanted to tell you that Christmas ain't going to be the same for me this year Why not? It's going to seem strange giving you a mustache cup for a present Really a what? Oh honey, uh, uh, he said he's going to give you a cup full of moustaches See, it's a new hollywood game. Whoever looks the most like Adolf Manjoo wins What are you fellas talking about? Nothing honey. Look, will you excuse me just one minute, Alice? Hey Frankie You were standing closer to Alice than I was Did you notice any stubble breaking through? No stubble just a little fuzz But she may have always had that. I never had any occasion to notice Why don't you look at her and check, Curly? Yeah, we'll later I'll take a look at five o'clock and if there's a shadow, we're blowing town What are you fellas mumbling about? I'll tell you what they're mumbling, Miss Fair. I can't let this happen to you Don't you dare say anything to Alice. Yeah, you keep out of this kid. If Alice wants to grow a beard, that's her business I Haven't got time now. My boat leaves in a half an hour. Send me a letter I'll be in Tibet right me and care of the high llama. Come on, Remly. Let's get out Come on, Alice. When my laundry comes back forward into the hotel Himalaya in the pie Come back you cowards. He went to Tibet When is he coming back? I don't know why I wanted to ask him if we could keep the dog. Now that we've pasted some hair on him Good night, everybody and don't forget give and give generously to the community chest. Thanks for listening. Good night, everybody This program was produced and directed by Paul Phillips included in today's task with Dick Lane and Stanley Freeberg The part of Frankie Remly was played by Elliott Lewis and Julius Listen now to the tales of the texas rangers with Joel mccray on mbc