 Mark Twain's 1601 this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information and to volunteer visit LibriVox.org Mark Twain's 1601 Dramatis Personi introduction by Denny Sayers narrator read by Jonathan Horniglow is a queen read by Miet the Lady Alice Dilbury Ben Johnson and Lord Bacon read by Ruth Golding Lady Marjorie read by Kristen Hughes Shakespeare and Aminta Lady Helen read by Philippa Beaumont read by David Lawrence the part of Sir Walter Raleigh is read by Mark Smith of Simpsonville South Carolina end of dramatis persona Mark Twain's 1601 this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information and to volunteer visit LibriVox.org mark Twain's 1601 conversation as it was by the social fireside in the time of the tutors memorandum the following is supposed to be an extract from the diary of the peeps of that day the same being Queen Elizabeth's Cupbearer he is supposed to be of ancient and noble lineage that he despises these literary can I that his soul consumes with wrath to see the Queen stooping to talk with such and that the old man feels that his nobility is defiled by contact with Shakespeare etc and yet he has got to stay there till her Majesty chooses to dismiss him yesterday night took a Majesty the Queen a fantasy such as she sometimes has and had to a closet certain that do write plays books and a searchlight these being my Lord Bacon his worship Sir Walter Raleigh Mr. Ben Johnson and the child Francis Beaumont which being but 16 but yet turned his hand to the doing of the Latin masters into our English tongue with great discretion and much applause also came with these the famous Shakespeare a right strange mix truly of mighty blood with men yet more in a special since the Queen's Grace was present as likewise these following to wit the Duchess of Bilgewater 22 years of age the Countess of Granby 26 her daughter the Lady Helen 15 as also these two maids of honor to wit the Lady Marguerite Boothie 65 and the Lady Alice Ilbury turned 70 she being two years a Queen's Grace is elder I being her Majesty's Cupbearer had no choice but to remain and behold rank forgot and the high hold converse with the low as upon equal terms a great scandal did the world here thereof in the heat of the talk it befell that one did break wind yielding an exceeding mighty and distressed full stink where at all did laugh full sore and then very Lee in mine eight and sixty years have I not heard the fellow to this part it seemeth by the great sound and clamor of it it was male yet the belly it did lurk behind should now fall lean and flat against the spine of him that hath been delivered of so stately and so waste a bulk whereas the guts of them that do quiff splitters bear stand calmly still and round previ let the author confess the offspring will my lady Alice testify good your grace and I had room for such a thunder gust within mine ancient bowels it is not in reason I could discharge the same and live to thank God for that he did choose handmade so humble whereby to show his power nay it is not I that have brought forth this rich or a mastering fog this fragrant gloom so pray you seek the further me hop the lady Marjorie had done the company this favor so please you madam my limbs are feeble with the weight and droth of five and sixty winters and it behoove it that I be tender on to them in the good providence of God and I had contained this wonder for sooth would I have given the whole evening of my sinking life to the dribbling of it forth with trembling and easy soul not launched its sudden in its matchless might taking mine own life with violence rending my weak frame like rotten rags it was not I your Majesty oh God's name who have favored us have it come to pass that a fart shall fart itself not such a worn as this I throw young master Beaumont but no it would have wafted him to heaven like down of goose's body it was not the little lady Helen nay never blush my child that tickle I tender maiden head with many a mousy squeak before thou lanced to blow a hurricane like this wasn't you my learned and ingenious Johnson so fellow blast has never my ears saluted nor yet a stench so all pervading and immortal was not at novice did it good your majesty but one over veteran experience else had he failed of confidence in sooth it was not I my lord bacon not from my lean and trails had this prodigy burst forth so please your grace not duff so if it the great as great performance and the happily shall you find that is not from mediocrity this miracle have issued though ye subject be but a fart yet will this tedious sync of learning ponderously philosophize meantime did the foul and deadly stink pervade all places to that degree that never smell either like yet dare I not to leave the presence albeit I was like to suffocate what says the worshipful master Shakespeare in the great hand of God I stand and so proclaim my innocence though he sinless hosts of heaven had foretold the coming of this most desolating breath proclaiming it a work of uninspired man it's quaking thunder its firmament clogging rottenness his own achievement in due course of nature yet had not I believed it but had said the pit itself had furnished forth the stink and heaven's artillery has shook the globe in admiration of it there was a silence and each did turn him toward the worshipful Sir Walter Raleigh that browned in battled bloody swashbuckler who rising up did smile and simpering say most gracious majesty it was I that did it but indeed it was so poor and frail and note compared with such as I am want to furnish that in soothe I was ashamed to call the weakling mine in so august a presence it was nothing less than nothing madam I did it but to clear my nether throat but had I come prepared then had I delivered something worthy bear with me please your grace till I can make amends then he delivered to himself of such a godless and rock shivering blast that all were feigned to stop their ears and following it to come so dense and foul of stink that that which went before did seem a poor and trifling thing beside it then say if he feigning that he blushed and was confused I perceive that I am weak today and cannot just as do unto my powers and sat him down as you should say there it is not much yet either have an arse to spare let him follow that any think he can by God that I were the queen I would even tip this swaggering braggart out of the court and let him air his grandeur and break his intolerable wind before the death and such as suffocation pleases then fell they to talk about manners and customs of many people and master Shakespeare spake of the book of the Sir Michael de Montaigne wherein was mention of the custom of widows of Perigord to wear upon the headdress in sign of widowhood a jewel in the similitude of a man's member wilted and limba where at the queen did laugh and say widows in England do wear bricks too but betwixt the thighs and not wilted neither till Caution had done that office for them master Shakespeare did likewise observe how that the Sir de Montaigne have also spoke of a certain emperor of such multi prowess that he did take ten maiden heads in the compass of a single night yet while his Empress did entertain two and twenty lusty nights between her sheets yet was not satisfied where at the Mary Countess Granby said a ram is yet the Emperor's superior say if he will top above a hundred years twixt son and son and after if he can have none more to shag will masturbate until we have enriched whole acres with his seed then spake he damned windmill Sir Walter of a people in the utter most parts of America that capulate not until they be five and thirty years of age the women being eight and twenty and do it then but once in seven years how doth that like my little lady Helen shall we send thee thither and preserve thy belly please harnesses grace my old nurse have told me there are more ways of serving God than by locking the thighs together yes am I willing to serve him that way too since your harnesses grace has set the example God wounds a good answer child may hapt will weaken when the hair sprouts below the navel nay it sprouted two years since I can guess more than cover it with my hand now hear you that my little Beaumont have you not a little bird about you that stares at hearing tale of so sweet a nest it's not insensible or us really as madam but mousing owls and bats of low degree may not inspire to bliss so wallowing and a static as is found in the downy nest of birds of paradise by the gullet of God tis a neat turned compliment with such a tongue as thine lad thou spread the ivory thighs of many a willing maid in thy good time and thy code piece be as handy as thy speech then spake the queen of how she met old Rabolace when she was turned off 15 and he did tell her of a man his father knew that had a double pair of bollocks where on a controversy followed as concerning the most just way to spell the word the contention running high betwixt the learned bacon and the ingenious Johnson until at least the old lady Marguery wearing of it all sayeth Gentles what matter of it how you shall spell the word I warrant you when you use your bollocks you shall not think of it and my Lady Granby be content let the spelling be you shall enjoy the beating of them on your buttocks just the same I true before I had gained my 14th year I had learned that them that would explore a cunt stopped not to consider the spelling of it in soothe when his shifts turned up delay is meet for naught but dalliance bocaccio have the story of a priest that did be gala made into his cell then knelt him in a corner to pray for grace to be rightly thankful for this tender maiden head the Lord had sent him but the Abbott spying through the keyhole did see a tuft of brownish hair with fair white flesh about it wherefore when the priest prayer was done his chance was gone for as much as the little maid had but the one cunt and that was already occupied to her content then converse they of religion and the mighty work the old dead Luther did do by the grace of God then next about poetry and master Shakespeare did read a part of his King Henry the full the witch it seemeth to me is not of the value of an arseful of ashes yet they praised it bravely one and all the same did read a portion of his Venus and Adonis to their prodigious admiration whereas I being sleepy and fatigued with all did deem it but poultry stuff and was the more discomforted in that the bloody Buccanea had got his wind again and it turned his mind to farting with such villain zeal that presently I was like to choke once more God damn this windy ruffian and all his breed I would that hell might get him they talked about the wonderful defense which old Sir Nicholas Throgmorton did make for himself before the judges in the time of Mary which was unlucky matter to brooch sit it fetched out a queen with a pity that he having so much wit had yet not enough to save his daughters maidenhead sound for her marriage bed and the queen to give the damn sir water Raleigh her look that made him wince for she had not forgot he was her own lover in the old day there was silence and uncomfortableness now towards not a good turn for talk to take so if the queen must find a fence in a little harmless debauching when pricks were stiff and cunts not loath to take the stiffness out of them who of this company was sinless behold was not the wife of master Shakespeare four months gone with child when she stood up before the altar was not her grace of bilgewater rogered by four lords before she had her husband was not the little lady Helen born on her mother's wedding day and behold were not the lady Alice and lady Marguerite their mouthing religion horse from the cradle in time they came to discourse of savantees and of the new painter Rubens that is beginning to be heard of fine words and dainty wrought phrases from the ladies now one or two of them being in other days pupils of that poor arse lill himself and I marked how that Johnson and Shakespeare did fidget to discharge some venom of sarcasm yet did they not in the presence the Queen's grace being the very flower of the euphuists herself but behold these be they that having a speciality and admiring in themselves be generous when a neighbor does a say it nor can abide it in them long wherefore it was observable that the Queen waxed uncontent and in time laboured grandiose speech out of the mouth of Lady Alice who manifestly did mightily pride herself there on did quite exhaust the Queen's endurance who listened till the gaudy speech was done then lifted up their brows and with fast irony mincing saith oh shit we're at they all did laugh but not lady Alice the old foolish bitch now was the water Raleigh minded of a tale he once did hear the ingenious Margaret of Navarra's relate about a maid which being like to suffer rape by an old archbishop did smartly contrive a device to save her maiden head and said to him first my lord I pretty take out thy holy tool in piss before me which doing low his member fell and would not rise again and of 1601 or a conversation as it was by the social fireside in the time of the tutors by Mark Twain