 RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music and first in television, presents the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show. For your enjoyment, here is the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show, written by Ray Singer and Dick Chevrolet, with Elliot Lewis, Walter Tetley, Robert North, Janine Ruse, and Whitfield, Walter Sharf and his music, and yours truly, Bill Forman. This Tuesday, one of the most famous events of the year takes place in California. Pasadena's celebrated Tournament of Roses Parade. Thousands will see it in person. Millions will see it on television. But today, Frankie invents an entirely new way to view it. But first, a word from RCA Victor. Christmas is over, and while you're making your entertainment plans for 1952, make sure you include RCA Victor Television. A superset like the 21-inch Rockingham, for example. In the year ahead, the Rockingham will bring into your home a great deal of pleasure and entertainment. The whole family will enjoy it. Not only is the Rockingham a beautiful addition to any living room, but its performance is unmatched anywhere. This stunning Regency console with a bow front is the most luxurious model in the superset line. And on this 21-inch Rockingham, you'll enjoy the kind of reception you've been waiting for. Unbelievably clear, strong pictures. Wherever you live, city or country, the Rockingham brings in the best reception possible thanks to television with picture power. So buy the Rockingham by RCA Victor, cornerstone of home entertainment for three generations. And now the stars of the RCA Victor program, Alice Faye and Phil Harris. A few weeks ago, Alice's brother William bought a home recording machine and made a tape recording of Alice and Phil's radio show. And as we look in, he is about to play it back for them. These tape recorders are amazing. I took your program of December 9th right off the air. Can we hear it, Willie? Oh, I certainly. Well then go ahead and play it, Willie. I'm anxious to hear it because if I say so myself, I gave my greatest performance that week. That was your greatest? Yeah. Hmm. Never mind. Just play that tape and you'll see how good I was. Wait till you hear the pear-shaped tones that come out of this golden-throated lush. Thrush! Now go ahead, Willie. Play the show. Very well. Here we go. And now the stars of the RCA Victor program, Alice Faye and Phil Harris. It's very good, Willie. It is. It's good reception. Well, all right. You know, Alice, one of these days, we've got to get one of these. We can take it home and play. With Christmas two weeks away, Phil has decided not to wait until the last minute to do his shopping. He is now making up his list, and Alice is helping him. Are you sure you have everyone down, Phil? Yeah, I come on next. Listen. I've got something down for the kids, Willie. Oh, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my. Don't you think we ought to get something so such a nice name? Well, you're talking more like a little lady every day. You only think about the fact that you're a necessary mariner with a set of instructions. Phil, I don't like that. I'm not going to say this now. I'm going to say this now. All right, Willie, stop it. Shut that thing off. Willie, shut it off. Will you stop it? Phil, Phil, I don't think you read your lines right. You talked much too fast. You didn't exactly have a Gary Cooper delivery yourself. Willie, what's wrong with that machine? Oh, I didn't have the tape set for the right speed at the beginning, but I slowed it down later. Now, listen, why don't I play the rest of the tape? Mike, you're right. I've done enough for the... Something in there. Something in the sporting line. What kind of tape were you using? Adhesive? Look, have you got my song on there, Willie? Oh, yes. Well, then let's try that. Very well. It's better. That's it. Now you've got something. That's it. Long, long ago, Willie... Willie, that ain't it. I said that ain't it, Willie. No, Willie, that ain't it. Willie, I don't want that. Willie, I don't want that. Now you've got it. That's me. Where are you, pretty thing? Sing it. Let it go, baby. What'd you shut it off for? I can't stand it. Your voice is getting worse. That was my normal voice. Normal, shnormal. It's driving me nuts. All right. Get that machine and get out of here. Take it home. You never could... I'll get that. Hello? This is the home of Phil Harris. This is the operator, sir. I have a local call for you, and the party wants to reverse the charges. Will you accept the call? Yes, yes. Very well. Go ahead, sir. Hello, Frankie? Curly, how'd you know it was me? Who else would reverse the charges on a local call? Hey, Curly, I took care of the thing you asked me to. That's a good boy. Hey, look, come on over here. I want to show Alice what I got. I can't leave right now, Curly. I'm visiting my sick old grandmother. Oh, well, I'm sorry to hear that she... Remly. Sir? Are those billiard balls I hear clicking? Of course not. You don't think I... Granny, you must stop cracking your knuckles. Tell her to keep one foot on the floor, too. Remly, get over here right now. Goodbye. Goodbye. Operator. Operator. Yes, sir? My party didn't answer, honey. Will you please return my dime? Get off that phone! What did Frankie get that you wanted to show me? Honey, have I got a surprise for you? I sent Frankie out to Pasadena to buy reserve seats for the Rose Parade. Oh, honey, you and the kids are going to love seeing that parade. Oh, I'm sure we will, Phil, but why do we have to go all the way out to Pasadena to see it? Why don't we just stay home and see it on television? Well, honey, you miss all the color that way. I want you and the children to see the sheer beauty of this spectacular pageant. The artistry of the floral arrangements is positively thrilling. Well, tell me more. You fascinate me, Carly. Now, Phil, why are you so anxious to see the parade? Because I appreciate the beauties of nature. Oh, I can't wait to see those floats with the blankets of flowers that serve as a background for the tableaus of live girls standing around in scanty bathing suits and abbreviated co- They ain't going! What's the matter? Don't you like flowers? You're not going just to see the flowers. Believe me, honey, that's the only reason I'm going. Oh, listen, I can just picture roll-up on roll of delphiniums banked against masses of marigolds running rampant on a field of blocksperre that's just oozing with Canterbury Bell. How does that sound? Simply scrumptious, Gwendolyn. It gives me goosebumps. Wait a minute, quiet. You just ain't artistic like me. You have no anesthetic sense. I have the soul of an artist. You take my voice, for example. Oh, you can take a better example than that. Like what? Like my voice. Tricked again? Now, sit down and I'll show you just what I mean. Sit down, sit down. What are you gonna do, you're so undecided? You say you do, and then you don't. You say you will, and then you won't. So what are you gonna do? First you say you do, then you don't. Then you say you will, then you won't. You're undecided now, so what are you gonna do? Now you wanna play, and then it's long. And when you say you'll stay, that's when you go. You're undecided now, so what are you gonna do? I've been sitting on a fence, and it doesn't make much sense cause you keep me in suspense and you know it. Then you promise to return when you don't, I really burn. Well, I guess I'll never learn, and I'll show it. If you got a heart, and if you're kind, don't keep us apart, make up your mind. You're undecided now, so what are you gonna do? It seems that you keep slowly driving us crazy. We can't make hand or tail out of you. My mind's gone bad, I feel that everything's hazy. Don't know exactly just what to do. What are you gonna do? First you say you do, and then you don't. And then you say you will, and then you won't. I'm undecided now, I don't know just what to do. So undecided, undecided. Now you wanna play, and then it's long. And when you say you'll stay, that's when you go. I'm undecided now, I don't know just what to do. Sit on a fence, and it doesn't make much sense. Cause you keep us in suspense, and you know it. Then I'll promise to return when you don't, we really burn. Well, I guess I'll never learn, and I'll show it. If you got a heart, and if you're kind, then don't keep us apart, make up your mind. You're undecided now, so what are you gonna do? If you got a heart, and if you're kind, then make up your mind. Don't be undecided now, so what are you gonna do? Step aside and listen to a real voice. I'll re- uh-oh, I'll get it. Hey, don't go away, Alice. When I come back, I'm gonna show you a real operatic baritone. Something like this. It's your pins-a, mario-longs-a, car-o, and wing-a-mon-o. Curly, huh? Why don't you change doctors? He's getting these attacks more often. What attacks? I'm singing. Oh, I thought your gallbladder was acting up again. Don't be funny. Hey, look, did you get the reservations for the rose parade? Of course I did, you can depend on me. If you send me out to get something, I get it. All right, I knew you'd get it. Hey, did you get good reserve seats? Well, they're not exactly reserved, and I guess you couldn't call them seats. Frankie, what'd you buy with the money I gave you? An empty lot. Couldn't get a houseboat, huh? Well, I looked at one, but it wasn't exactly what you- Never mind. What's the idea of buying me an empty lot? I didn't buy it. I only leased it for 99 years. This way, you not only see the parade, you can make money besides it. Yeah? How do you figure that? You put up bleachers. You reserve the front row for yourself, and you sell the rest of the seats. You'll make a fortune. You ever tell me, Remly, I got to hand it to you? Ha! You pulled a shrewd deal. Taking the money and leasing a lot. I happened to be a clever businessman. I got it up here. You certainly have. Hey, tell me, Frank, where is this lot, and what does it look like? How should I know? I haven't seen it yet. Uh-huh. Remly, you know that stuff you had up there? Yeah. Look around, it's slipped. Why didn't you ask the guy who leased you the lot to show it to you first? Surely he was a stranger. I didn't know him well enough to get that personal. But you got nothing to worry about. This guy is honest, trustworthy, and beyond reproach. Oh, that's different. Sounds like a pretty high-class gentleman. He is. He didn't even stagger when we got off the bar stools. You met this guy in a bar room? Is there someplace else to meet people? All I did was tell you to drive out to Pasadena and buy tickets. What were you doing in a bar room? I had to stop to get gas. And after you got gasped up, then what? Remly, what's the matter with you? Every time I ask you to do something, you mess it up. One of these days, Alice is going to... Phil, Phil, who are you yelling at like that? Frankie. Oh. What did the sad sack do now? Alice, you'll never believe this. But do you know what he did? And please don't blow your top when I tell you. What did he do? Look, I gave him money to buy seats for the parade, and instead he leased a empty lot. So? What do you mean, so? He came back with an empty lot. What did you expect from him? Seats? See? She understands, Curly. Alice and I think alike we're on the same mental plane. Our brains work the same way, don't they, Alice? Doh, doh, doh, doh, doh. And you slap C. Maxi. That's a no. Now Phil, that settles it. I'm not going out to any empty lot that Frankie got. We're going to stay home and see the parade on television. No, we're not. Now look, Alice, I'll drive out to Pasadena with Frankie now, and then I'll buy tickets. Then will you go? Well, first I want to see where the seats are located. Oh, this is silly. I leased Curly a beautiful empty lot. Will you keep quiet, please? Alice, if you want to see where the seats are, drive out with me, and then you can see when I buy. Well, I can't right now. Phil, I have something to do. I'll get somebody to drive me out a little later. And where will I meet you? At Curly's Empty Lot. Here's the address. Yeah, meet us at Curly's Empty Lot. Come on, Renly. I'll drive us out. Yeah, Curly. On the way to Pasadena, we're going to see the parade on television. Yeah, Curly. On the way to Pasadena, will you sing to me? Why? It's a dull trip, and your voice always puts me to sleep. Okay, close your pink little eyes. Here we go. Young Johnny Jones, he had a cute little boat. And all the girlies he would take for a float. He had girlies by the score. Sweet little peaches on the shore. But Johnny was a Weisenheimer, you know. His steady girl was flow. And every Sunday afternoon, they'd drop in his boat, and then they'd spoon. And then he'd row, row, row. Right up that river, he would row, row, row. A huggy giver then, he'd kiss her now and then. She would tell him when. He'd fool around, fool around, and then he'd kiss again, and then he'd row, row, row. A little further he would row, just he and flow. With her head on his chest, he'd take a few measures rest, and then he'd row, row, row. In Johnny's boat, he had a cute little seat. And all the kisses that he stole were so sweet. And he knew just how to row. He was a rowing Romeo. He had an island where the trees were so bright. He knew just how to land. Then tales of love, he'd tell the flow, until it was time for them to go. And then he'd row, row, row. Right up that river, he would row so slow. A huggy giver then, he'd kiss her now and then. She would tell him when. He'd fool around, fool around, and then he'd kiss again, and then he'd row, row, row. A little further he would row, just he and flow. Then he'd drop off his oas, take a few more encores, and then he'd row, row, row. Just he and Florence, row, row, row. Right into heaven, row, row. He had no Johnson motor, so Johnny'd flow, but row, row, row. Hey, Curly, we've walked all over Pasadena. There just aren't any reserved seats left. I'm not going to give up, Remli. If I can't get tickets for the regular price, then I'll go to a scalper. I'm willing to pay more. How much more? Oh, it's Harrison Remli. What are you guys doing in Pasadena? Well, we came out to get seats for the parade. Think you can help us, Grogu? Yeah, sure. Just happen to have some tickets in the reviewer's stand, and I want you fellas to be my guests. Here, take six tickets. Gee, thanks, Grogu. That'll be $50 apiece. $50 apiece? That's a lot of money. I ain't gonna... Don't be a cheap guest. You're gonna afford it. Besides, this money goes to a very worthy cause. It's for my benevolent society. Benevolent society? Yeah. I'm engaged in a very noble work. I rehabilitate ex-convicts. Only last week, Adam got out a star. I lined up jobs for them. Gee, that's a very charitable thing to do, Grogu. Yeah, well, I figure that's the least I can do. Seeing as how I framed them in the first place... What kind of jobs did you get them? What are they doing? Well, at present, they are waking their way up in a bank in Pomona. How are they doing? About two more feet and they'll reach the Vaughan. Well, at least they're working. Sure, it's better than having them hang around a pool room. On behalf of my grandmother, I resent that. Hey, Grogu, your society doesn't sound very, shall we say, dignified. Now, what are you talking about? Why don't you see the beautiful float that we entered in the parade? It's got social significance. It's symbolic of the wink that our organization is doing. It's a very touch and tableau. Yeah? What do you call it? Flight from Alcatraz. Or tippy-toeing off at a rock. Well, we're going to run along now. How about the tickets? You want to buy them or don't you? No, thanks. That's too much money, Grogu. Well, that's too bad. You're going to miss seeing my society's float. Oh, this is a beautiful thing to see. Would all them flower beddeck machine guns? I'm sure we'll win first prize. What makes you so sure? The head judge is gun-shy. Well, so long, fellas, and I wish you both a trigger-happy New Year. Oh, the same to you, Grogu. All right, Remli, what are we going to do now? You see, I can't get any reserved seats. Well, why bother? You still have your empty lot. Why don't we go look at it? Why waste our time? It's probably nowhere near where the parade's going to be. Well, let's find out. How should we find out? All right, I'll ask that guy. Hey, mister? Yes? What street is the rose parade going to be on? Colorado Street. Colorado Street? Hey, Curly, that's the street your lot's on. No kidding. Gee, that's wonderful. Hey, mister, are you sure the parade's on Colorado Street? Yes, sir. The parade starts at number four Colorado Street and goes up to the 2400 block. Did you hear that? Hey, that's great. Frankie, this time you really came through, kid. I'm proud of you. What's the address, uh, my lot? Uh, 68,700. Oh, it's just down the road a piece, huh? Well, maybe it's a little further, but it's right on Colorado. Are you sure it's not in Colorado? The guy said the parade answered to 2400 block. Ah, I hate to know what he's talking about. I happen to know it goes all the way down Colorado. I got news for you. It better be a good spot. I guarantee it. I assure you you'll be very happy with this lot. Let's go see it, huh? How do you like your lot, Curly? I don't know. Drop the anchor. I'll dive in. Oh, no, don't be sarcastic. It's not bad walking here. Grass just happens to be a little dewy. A little dewy. Remly, I got a message for you. That dew is laughing at my armpits. What's the matter with you? You got me a lot that's four feet. You've got four feet of water on it. Now what am I supposed to do with all this water? Bottle it and sell it to the natives. Will you stop already? No, you can call it Curly cold. Yeah, I understand. Just stop already. Or how about Canada wet? I don't want to hear no more from you, I told you. All right. Please. All I wanted was some seats to see the parade. All I asked you to do was to get me something along the line of March. Oh, March. I thought you said March. Will you stop already? I mean, the place is impossible. It's a swamp and it's a foggy that you can't see your hand in front of you. And let's leave before Alice gets here. I don't want her to know that I've been taken by you again because she's not going to put... Oh, Bill. Bill, where are you? Can you hear it? That's Alice. Where are you two? The monster's with her. Now why'd she have to bring Julius? Will you keep quiet? They haven't seen this. Let's not answer and maybe they'll go away. Bill? Bill, are you and Frankie out there? Nobody out here but us frogs. Croak, croak, oink, oink, croak, croak, oink, oink, croak. That's as close as I can get. So we're here. Alice, here we are, honey. Come on out and see my lot. That's not too deep. Just walk straight out. This lot's too tall for Julius. Yeah, they're making them grocery boys too short these days. You think you'll come up? I don't know. Why, is it important? I'm going to bottle this stuff. I don't want that kid floating around here. It's not much call for sparkling Julius, you know. Hey, maybe we ought to go down there and shoot... Hey, kid, we missed you. Here, give me your hand. Let me help you up. Get your climbing... I've been about you came up, didn't you? What were you doing down there so long? That is a nice stupid question. Well, you keep quiet. I'm not going to do it. This is my lot. The parade goes right by this place. Which way? I'm full of water and it's halfway to Chicago. Oh, don't exaggerate. It's not that far out. The man said the parade goes right past this lot and we're going to stay here and see it. A little bit of water never hurt anybody. Curly! Huh? I hear music. Hey, the parade must be starting already. It can't be. It's not supposed to start... Hey, you're right. Yeah. Hey, here comes the first float through the fog. Hey, it's pretty, too. Hey, look at it. It's all done up like a ship. Hey, mister, that's a nice float you got there. What float, son? This is the Mississippi Showboat. Which way to Natchez, boy? Phil will be back in just a moment. RCA Victor's new Victrola-45 instruments represent a completely new system of recorded music, the 45 system. And it's the system that makes the difference. The handy 7-inch record and automatic changer are the first ever designed together to play together as a unit. Both are the result of not just months, but years of scientific tests. That's why RCA Victor's 45 system sounds better, plays easier, and costs less than any other system of recorded music. And listen to this. If you buy a Victrola-45 instrument now, you'll receive at no extra cost over $6 worth of RCA Victor hit record albums as a bonus. Over $6 worth of record albums are yours for the purchase of any RCA Victor instrument that plays 45s exclusively. So act now. Don't miss this wonderful holiday season offer brought to you by RCA Victor. Folks, this is Phil again. You know, nice things you can't hear too often. So from our entire cast here on the RCA Victor program, may we wish you everything you want for the coming year. For your safety and for that of your loved ones, please drive carefully. If you drink, don't drive. And if you're sleepy, pull over to the curb and take a nap. You'll lose a little time, but at least you'll wake up. Thank you. Good night, everybody. Happy New Year, everybody. This program is produced and directed by Paul Phillips. Remember, whether you're buying a television set, a radio, a Victoria phonograph, or record, put your faith in the cornerstone of American home entertainment for three generations. RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in television. Next Theater Guild on the Air and goodbye, Mr. Chips on NBC.