 Ladies and gentlemen, the Jaws of Schlitz Brewing Company of Milwaukee, Wisconsin presents The Halls of Ivy, starring Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman. I was curious. I tasted it. Now I know why Schlitz is the largest selling beer in America. No wonder it's the beer that made Milwaukee famous. If you like good beer, you'll find it pays to be curious and learn about Schlitz for yourself. That's around us here today, and we will not forget. Welcome again to Ivy, Ivy College that is in the town of Ivy, USA. It's graduation week at Ivy, and like every small college, it has its own traditions and customs, which will be carried out by both students and faculty. With some, it's a time of gain and excitement, for others, a time of tears and sadness. For Ivy's president, Dr. William Todd Hunter Hall, it's a time of speechwriting, conferences, and the disposing of countless detailed matters. But as he tells his English ex-actress wife, Victoria, It's amazing. Everything is going according to schedule. Not one major incident has come along to upset the graduation cards. Usually by this time, oh, good heavens. Did the cart topple over? No, I might have. Vicki, I have a message for you. From me? From whom? Or is it from whom? It is from neither whom nor whom. It's from me. Well, that's even better. I adore messages from you. Like, um, darling, please have my grey suit cleaned. Love, W. I do love W, too. Good, but I have to admit that this message has been slightly delayed due to a sort of baccalaureate fog around the region of the brain. The message, my darling, says simply, I love you very much, and will you be my date for the senior prom? But I don't expect your answer by engraved reply, but after all... Well, it's just... Dolly, does this invitation include a late walk down Ivy Lane? You mean Romeo's Road? That common lover's path which is frequented by intrepid maid and callow youths? Yes. We'll not only take to Ivy Lane at the first possible moment, but I won't even promise we'll walk. Well, good. Then I accept your invitation with pleasure. Besides, I've already bought a new dress for the dance, and it's the kind that one rarely wears when one is with one's husband, if you know what one means. No, but I can hardly wait to see what one means. I... Oh, oh, what time is it? It's almost one. Now, Todd, you haven't had a bite to eat. Do you have to be somewhere? No, darling, but you do. Bill Davis, the senior class president, will be here to pick you up about one-thirty. Well, it was very nice of him, dear, but he isn't my type. No, Vicky, Vicky, you've been elected by the senior class to pick the winning tickets from the raffle bowl. Oh, I has? Well, you don't seem very happy about it. It's quite an honor, my girl. This is roughly equivalent to being chosen by the Deep Sea Divers Association as the girl we'd most like to blow bubbles with. Yes, I'm deeply pleased if you say so, or I would be if I had the slightest idea of what raffle you were talking about. The raffle of the faculty cars. Oh. Victoria, is it possible that you've been here all this time and still don't know about Ivy's famous raffle? Yes, it's quite possible because I don't know. Who raffles the cars, and to whom who do they go? To whom who? Yes, it's something new I just thought up. See, this way I don't have to worry about when to put the M on the end of who. It's simple, huh? Yes, it is simple. I don't like to discourage you, my darling, but there are a few grammarians around the campus to whom who your ideas might not appear. I save by the bell. I'll answer it, dear. From whom? From whom? Oh, though not. He's very well mentality. He seems terribly agitated. I knew things were too calm and peaceful to last. Well, show him in. I am in, Dr. Hall. I can only stay a minute. That's good. I mean, it's good you found time to stop by at all. This is not a social call. I'll come right to the point. Dr. Hall, this raffle of faculty cars is disgraceful. It must be stopped. But why? The money is used for a legitimate purpose, to defray expenses of the senior prom. I participated in it during my senior year at Ivy, didn't you? Of course I did. But under protest even then, I am opposed to gambling. Are you really, Mr. Wellman? I understood you'd done very well in stock market speculations. Market speculations? Business investments? That was purely business, Mrs. Hall. Sometime I'd like to have your views on the National Lottery, Mr. Wellman. And don't tell me we don't have one every four years. Do I understand that you consider this traditional Ivy raffle gambling? Isn't it? I'm sorry I wasn't here when the game started, but what do the winners win? I still don't know. The use of the faculty members' cars, Vicky, for the night of the senior prom. And the use of the faculty member who owns the car, our good professors, all reduced to the positions of mere vassals being forced to act as chauffeurs for students who could just as well walk, who might better walk. Mr. Wellman. Yes, Dr. Hall. You are making a mountain out of a money-raising project. I have never heard any faculty member complain about this custom. Quite the contrary. They enjoy it. Oh, I realize that the amount of money that is bid on each professor's car might possibly reflect on the esteem in which some of them are held, but I still think that... I didn't expect you to be sympathetic with my viewpoint, Dr. Hall. I fully expected antagonism, but I do expect to use every ounce of my influence to abolish this raffle, starting with this year. Goodbye. Don't bother to show me out. I can find the door myself. Well, he found the door. Now the question is, can we? What an unpleasant little man. Is it true that he called out from under a flat rock, William? Well, we might say that Mr. Wellman's presence at Ivy is due to the fact that the Board of Governors in their search for executive material left no stone unturned. By the way, has any logical objection to the faculty raffle? I mean reasonable. Mr. Wellman objects to everything on principle, especially if there's a slightest chance that the thing he's objecting to might give someone a little enjoyment. I suspect that in his babyhood, someone snatched his pacifier away and left him with lips permanently pursed. With him, happiness is just a thing called off. And the only fun he ever has is seeing that no one else has any. That's a masterly bit of character analysis, Doctor. Is there anything he can really do, though, about the raffle? Well, not this year, anyway. He's starting his reform movement much too late. I wonder who win our car. Oh, no, the President's car is never raffled. Incidentally, I hope the service station brings it back for its own. It'll be back at 4.30 p.m. on the dot. Mal said so. Mal? Who is Mal? It's a new garage in Ivy, Mal's garage. I took it there to be serviced because I like those signs he puts up all over, you know? The happiest cars in town are Mal-adjusted. Good heavens. Neurotic piston ring. But if it isn't to be raffled, what does it matter when we get the car back? Well, although it doesn't raffle, my pet, the President's car is always requisitioned to drive the student, king and queen of the ball. And so are we. Traditionally, we... Oh, dear. Well, that must be Bill. Goodbye, darling. Goodbye, dear. And remember, a time-honoured tradition now rests on your shoulders. Winners fairly and squarely. No peaking of the tickets. Break clean as your hand leaves the bowl. He's an impatient lad. I'm coming. All right, Bill, I... Why, Professor Warren? Hello. Hello, Mrs. Hall. You and the doctor going out? You will find William in his study, Professor. I'm the one who's leaving. Bill Davis is picking me up to take me to the raffle drawing. Oh, yes, yes. It's a wonderful custom. You know, ma'am, I'm downright silly about these old traditions. They said I'd be apart from other schools, make it just a little more than an institution of learning. I... Well, this raffle just happens to be my favourite. Yeah, I should think so. William tells me that your car brings more money than anyone else's. Who's ever hear how popular you are? You certainly are the bell of the ball. That's nonsense. Oh, they want me to drive them all right. But it's because they figure I'm such a dodger and old idiot that I can't see what goes on in the back seat. You're making it up, Dr. Horan. You've been here a long time. Do you happen to know how this particular custom got started? I do. Confidentially, I started it myself. Oh, you didn't? I did. Yep. When I was a young professor, ma'am, I was too poor to ask a girl to the prom and ordinary stags weren't permitted. Well, I did own a horse and buggy of sorts. It was a long time ago, so I figured out this plan to get me to the dance. Oh. That's how it all began. Don't you tell anybody a tradition whose origin is not shrouded in mysteries, not a real tradition. Just a habit. So that's how they get started. Oh, there's Bill. I have to run. I see you later, Professor. Dr. Horan, did you study? You go write it. All right. Goodbye, Mrs. Hall. Good afternoon, Dr. Hall. Professor Warren. Your wife told me I'd find you here. Am I interrupting anything? Not a thing. Come in. I'm glad to see you. Sit down. Thank you. Well, Professor, I suppose you've made all your plans for the summer. You've been away for a while? Well, yes. As a matter of fact, that's what I came to see you about. Dr. Hall, I am an old man, and I've been teaching for 50 years. That's a long time. Yes, it is. But it's not the length of service that makes a teacher invaluable. It's the amount of service he is capable of giving. Being able to transmit knowledge to young, receptive minds. Yes, there's a satisfaction in seeing untrained boys and girls turn out to be educated men and women and in knowing that you've had part in it. Then your satisfaction should be unlimited, Professor. Well, I've had my share of it. But there is nothing quite so useless or tiresome as a superannuated pedagogue. Professor, what are you driving at? Well, I... I'm tired, Doctor. One of the reasons. Now with this academic year almost at an end, I'm going to call it quits. I have regretfully decided to retire. To leave Ivy. If ever a man has earned a rest, Professor Warren, you have. But I can't tell you what a great loss this will be to Ivy College. And to me, personally. When do you plan to leave? Tomorrow. Tomorrow? But what about the baccalaureate service? And surely you intend to drive the winner of your car to the senior prom? Doctor, I have to leave. Particularly before the senior prom. What's the matter with Professor Warren? He passed Bill and me on the street as if he didn't see us. And I think he was crying. I don't blame him. I feel like crying myself. Hello, Bill. Come in. Hi, Doctor Hall. Is something wrong with the Professor? Well, I... Yes, yes. You might as well know Bill. I'd rather you didn't mention it until the news is made official. Professor Warren is resigning. Oh, Charlie, no. That nice man. Oh, my gosh. Oh, excuse me, sir, but... But he can't leave. It would be like... Or be like yanking a cornerstone. He's a part of Ivy. I know how you feel. But now he has decided to part with Ivy. Bill, has anything happened concerning the senior prom that might have made him decide to leave so suddenly? What do you mean, sir? I... I don't know what I mean. He just insisted that he had to leave before the prom. Oh. Uh-oh. That's a profound observation. Does it mean something? Well, Professor Warren looks forward to the prom more than anyone else on the campus. Yes, and from what he told me, he invented the raffle. Now, why should he want to get out before it unless he couldn't participate in it? Well, why couldn't he participate in it? Well, maybe you haven't noticed, but he hasn't driven his car in more than three months. I know he thought it was his secret, Dr. Hobart. Well, you know how the grapevine works. A guy in our class has a brother in med school and he heard it from a doctor in town. I, uh... I guess none of us realize that it's quite as bad as it is. As bad as what is? Bill, what are you talking about? The Professor, sir. He's going blind. Oh, no. Well, it doesn't seem possible. Professor Warren. Going blind. A man who spent his whole life lighting the way for others, now being inexorably taken into darkness. Bill, sit down. We must talk about this. I was curious. I tasted it. Now I know why Schlitz is the largest selling beer in America. No wonder it's the beer that made Milwaukee famous. He'll return to the halls of Ivy, starring Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman in just a moment. But first, let's hear how one man found a solution to his heating problem. It was a hot day, close to 90, in the shade of an office building. And if I hadn't had so many calls to make, I'd have been parked under a willow in my back lawn, hoping for a breeze. But as it was, I didn't finish until long after five. Then, thoroughly worn out by the heat, I headed for the nearest tap room where I took a table in a cross-draft. I was mopping the brow when a waiter came up, put a bottle of Schlitz beer in a glass in front of me, and then walked off without a word. I hadn't given him an order, but I was too tired and too thirsty to care. So I poured the Schlitz. Ah, it was good and cold, the way I liked beer and drank. Right then, I forgot my backyard, the willow tree, and the breezes that might come my way, and thoroughly enjoyed that moment and that beer. When I looked up, the same waiter was standing there smiling, and he asked, Are you enjoying your bottle of Schlitz, sir? Never had a beer that tasted so good, I said. But tell me, how did you know I liked Schlitz? Well, sir, replied the waiter, You looked hot and tired, and it did seem to me that a cold bottle of Schlitz would be just the thing. But wasn't that taking kind of a chance, I asked? Perhaps, continued the waiter, but when a beer tastes so good to so many people that it's the largest selling beer in America, there's very little risk involved. I know what you mean, I said, raising my glass to his health. No wonder they call Schlitz the beer that made Milwaukee famous. And now back to Ivy. It's late afternoon, but the gloom of night has settled over the hall hall. For the past hour, Dr. Hall has been pacing the living room floor. If I could only think of a way to handle this, Warren is such a proud man, and he's gone to such lengths to keep this a secret. We'll have to do something. What did the eye doctor say? He said an immediate operation might save his sight. Wonderful! He must have it done right away. It's an expensive operation, and he's the type of man who would rather go often and hide in some dark corner than ask for help. Todd, if a college would help him, wouldn't it? I mean, finance the operation? Of course, I would see to that, but that's just it. Exactly the right way to be helpful. It is more charitable to be unhelpful. Well, if anyone can find the right way, you can. I have no doubt about that. Ficky, what was that you said when Bill was here? Oh, I said a great many things. Yeah, but this was something that struck a responsive chord at the time, but I know you said that the professor had invented this raffle. Yeah, he told me that he was the one who started it with a horse and buggy. Is that so? Yeah, he was enormous pleased with himself about it. Is that so? Todd, you've got an awfully funny look on your face. Well, it's purely a muscular reaction due to the process of thought. Thank you. Victoria, it is a proven fact that the face, like Gaul, has divisa in part as trails to pure a caesarean cliché while this triplicity is not particularly evident when the face is in purest naturalibus, it is... Yeah, now back up there, doctor. Back up, back up. It isn't that I don't enjoy hearing you make little Latin sounds, but what does all this foreign double talk mean? Roughly translated, it means that I'm perching precariously on the edge of an idea, and I would rather topple over the side of it naturally. I don't want to be pushed. Well, I won't even give you a nudge. Vicki, you're the most amazing woman I know and the least inquisitive. No, not the least inquisitive, darling. I am the woman who has her inquisitiveness the least encouraged. Have patience, my darling. I think my idea is beginning to erupt. First thing I have to do is make a phone call. Very stable, Norman talking. This is... This is Dr. Hall of Ivy College talking. Oh, hi, Doug. How's the bookie business? What? I don't skip it, Doug. It's a gag, see. Yes, I do see. Norman, do you happen to have a fairly presentable horse and buggy in a stock? A what? A horse and buggy. Well, it's a livery stable, isn't it? Yeah, but like, what's his name? Shakespeare said. What's in a name, hey? Why put tea on his way to the divy? A livery stable, it's a sort of a sort of a whimsical name, you know. Yes. I'm beginning to know about tradition. Well, I... Hey, hey, wait a minute, wait a minute. Come to think about it. We got an all beat up type buggy out in the back. Well, I... Well, I have to let you know. As what his name said, never put the cart before the horse. Come again? That's a gag, hey? Vicky. I've discovered that the horse seems to be extinct in Ivy. We better find the skeleton of one and add it to our museum before it's too late. I did locate a buggy of sorts, but... A horse buggy, Toddy? For Professor Warren? Exactly. He could manage that kind of a rig without exposing his failing eyesight. This way I'm sure I could persuade him to stay over, and he would give us a little more time to work out a plan to get him to accept money for his operation. What a wonderful idea. I'm sorry the door was open and I walked right in. I had to see you. Oh, Bill, I'm glad you came. I figured out how we can keep Professor Warren here if we can find a horse. Right now I'd give my college for one. But you can. No, I agree. I don't think the Board of Governors would consider one of our four-footed friends fair exchange for Ivy. But if I could find one, I could keep him here for the prom. There's going to be any prom. There have been two meetings since I saw you. The Board of Governors had one. Mr. Wellman called it to vote down the raffle, and they walloped him 19 to one. Then we had one, the senior class. We had an idea and voted on it. Listen, you see? That's the story. What do you think of it? I think it's magnificent. It's the most sensational thing I ever heard. What are we waiting for? Let's get busy. At what time does the Professor's train leave? You know the Ivy local. Always on time. The engineer's time. I'll check to make sure before tomorrow night. I'll call the livery's table right now. Oh, the horse. Don't worry about that, Doctor. You get the buggy. We'll take care of the horse. I hope you're not being over-optimistic, but I'll leave that up to you. Vicki, will you call the Professor and ask him to dinner tomorrow? Doctor Hall, you will make sure that he really plans to leave town. Bill, after what you just told me, I'll leave town if it's the last thing I do. Mrs. Hall, that was the best dinner I've had and I don't know how long. You know, I concoct the worst meal ever cooked up a man. You're just lucky that I'm leaving and can't return this invitation. Well, you're not leaving yet, Professor. It's still over an hour until train time. Have some more coffee. Thanks, but I think I'd better be on my way. I, um, have a few things to do. I thought I might walk across the campus. Oh, no. I mean, don't hire yourself out, Professor. You have a long trip ahead of you. Yes, but I thought I might see a few of the students. I, uh, guess nobody knows I'm leaving. At least no one stopped by the house. But I suppose with graduation and the prom and all, they're busy. Yes, that's it. They're busy. What's all the hullabaloo out there? I don't know. But we can't have Faculty Road served in this unseemly manner. No, it is awfully unseemly. Hey, come on, Professor. Vicky, we'd better see what this is all about. But I don't understand all this. They seem to be cheering for your Professor. Me? Why? What is this? What have they got out there? Sounds like there are a million of them. Yes. Sounds like there are a million of them. There are exactly 97 of them. And that's the buggy they've got with them. You're a chariot awaits, Professor. Come on. We're going to take you to the station. But, but, Bill, this is awfully nice. But have you just got a buggy? Haven't you got a horse? 97 of them, Professor. You've hauled us around for good many years. Now it's our turn to return the favor. Oh, uh, before we go, here, this is for you. It's not a going away present. It's a coming back present. Thank you, Bill. My glass is a little clouded. It's a piece of paper. This is a note. Yes, it's a note, all right. Payable on presentation at any bank. It's a check for $2,000. Yep. It's the money from the raffle. It really belongs to you, Professor. Take it and use it any way you like. In one condition, come back. Our class wants you here at Ivy. Oh, now listen, if we don't get going, you'll miss your train. You're about to meet the hoarsiest senior class in history. Come on. Oh, dear, look. The whole senior class aren't a stop pulling the buggy. Yes. I don't think I'll ever forget it. There they go. Yes. And there goes their senior prom. Vicki, there's a big place in this world for those boys and girls. Aren't they wonderful? I'm awfully afraid. I'm going to cry. Well then, let's go inside. If he has a crying wife to comfort Vicki, it's nice to have a house around a man. I tasted it. Now I know why Schlitz is the largest selling beer in America. No wonder it's the beer that made Milwaukee famous. And here again are Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman. Good night, everyone. Good night. As with her butterfield out the cube, Brian, Peter Leeds and Sheldon Leonard, tonight's script was written by Cameron Blake and Don Quinn. Music was composed and conducted by Henry Russell. The Halls of Ivy was created by Don Quinn, directed by Nat Wolfe, and presented by the Jaws of Schlitz Brewing Company of Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Ken Carpenter speaking. On NBC.