 Hey, hey Tony Gaskins here. Thank you for joining me for another episode of talks with Tony Got an email today from a young lady and it says hello, Tony. Hope all is well I wrote to you some months ago about my relationship with my then boyfriend. I had a miscarriage, etc Well, what I'm about to write. I know you're going to give it to me straight. I expect that Well, since then we've gotten engaged March 30th, 2018 Saturday for September 2019 his decision not mine Anywho Since then we've joined church together and he's in training to become a deacon and I fully support that But we are still a work in progress. We have our ups and downs here and there Finances here lately has become our biggest argument to the point where I let him see the back of me This man my fiance went and bought a car without my consent But has the audacity to tell me that we couldn't get married earlier because of finances He wants to get some debt paid off first But going to buy a twenty five thousand dollar car just put you right back in debt So my question to him was so what's the real reason reason? We have to wait to get married because finances ain't it he says That I'm going that I'm not going fast enough for you. He says what I'm not going fast enough for you To make matters worse everyone in his circle knew he was about to purchase a car But me am I being selfish or should he just remember me from my back? Hey, thank you for the question and and that is a deep question and a common question Which I hear and I've heard it said and studies have shown that finances one of the largest issues in Divorces now, but for you there's some other things in here that you have to pay attention to so for one you got engaged and You know, y'all were having sex before marriage and all of that you had a miscarriage He's in the church training to be a deacon The question is that I want to ask you that you can't answer to me directly is are y'all still having sex? If you're still having sex and you're living together and you're having sex And he's in the church trying to be a deacon because you said nothing about we are abstinent now You said we are working progress But if y'all are in willing sin, then you are not progressing you are not making progress if you're living together and sleeping together But claiming to be you know Christians in the church So if you're gonna live it really live it and that's gonna be the first thing you need to tackle the first thing You need to focus on not finances get your faith right first Now after your faith is right, then you can go to your finances now You go to your finances what you have to understand that y'all are not one y'all are not one so technically He still can do what he wants to do But at the same time he should be acting like you're one because you're engaged so the engagement is really a Period where you're almost like married as except for without sex But you are treating one another like husband and wife, and it's a trial period that should be a max of 12 months Y'all are going 18 months. So that's very strategic. You got engaged on March 30th He wants to get married in September of 2019 March 30th 2018 That means you would be getting married March 30th of 2019 engagement should not be longer than 12 months if at that 12 month March 12 month mark, which we may be coming up on. I don't know when this will get released But you may be you're sitting right on it You need to evaluate your relationship and say is this a man that I can trust Is this a man that I can love that I can build with? There is nothing wrong with calling off an engagement. That's the point of it So if you can't trust this man if this man does not if he's not honest with you If he's leading you on if he does not respect you if you've you've had to walk off on him You said you had to Show him your back and I know you got that from me because I say that's my wife She showed me her back. So if you've had to walk off on him Then you have some issues there right now is the real honeymoon phase a lot of people don't understand that Before you get married. That's the real honeymoon. That's when things should be smooth That's when you should be clicking on all cylinders things should be going good You shouldn't be fussing fighting going back and forth struggling and all of that and so It should be smooth when you have all these issues and you have these red flags and just like you said you said You know you ask him. What's the real reason? Why aren't we really married? Because finances ain't it and he said fine and I'm gonna tell you this and I'll say this to everybody When somebody says that finances the reason they're not getting married full of it Absolutely full of it because when you get married you work on your finances together money should never stop love Love is greater than money love real love transcends time It transcends money energy everything nothing trumps love So if you put real love off a real union off for money You're full of it and you're lying and if you're not lying then you got your priorities wrong You need to focus on the love and in that love you need to focus on Communication you need to learn how to communicate with one another how to talk to one another how to be honest with One another how to trust one another that's what you need to focus on before marriage not paying off debt You could that ain't going nowhere and and you're not trying to pay off that when you go and get a $25,000 car so young man hear me what I'm telling you right now You're full of it and you need to get your life together So sister this year young man this year engagement you y'all going to the wrong marriage counselor because He or she is not shooting to you straight. So you and him need to sit down and listen to this Together and y'all hear me out because I'm going on 12 years of marriage and I got married at 23 years old When I got engaged to my wife, I was married 10 months later No, when I got with my wife, I was married 10 months later when I got engaged to my wife We got married three months later when you know, you know, you don't take you 18 months So what kind of Tom Fuller is this you're talking about 18 months? We're gonna get married, but then you go and get a $25,000 car and then you go get a $25,000 car without Telling your wife to be but you told everybody else man. You're full of games Man, you're full of games. You got to get it together You got to get it all the way together and then sister what you got to realize. Okay. He's showing me He's full of games. He's showing me. He's full of it. So what am I doing? What am I doing? I'm sitting here playing the fool. I'm sitting here playing the fool because I'm seeing a red flag at the red flag at the red flag And he got me on ice for 18 months You know what putting you on ice for 18 months do it allow a man to get his stuff together So he can leave you it allow a man to get himself together using you as a hold me down Especially if you having sex use you as a sex on demand use you as a prop to become a deacon and Get him a new $25,000 car get his deacon certification or Ordination get ordained as a deacon and then go to the pastor Present all these problems that y'all having and the pastor advise him to cut the engagement off When he set up all the problems to begin with when he had for the problem to begin with because sister You have for the problem too. So here y'all is all these problems and y'all just sweeping stuff on the road You're not dealing with it and you're not being honest with yourselves and you're not being honest with each other Both of you playing yourself Y'all got to focus on what matters trust honesty communication and Faithfulness not just faithfulness to one another faithfulness to the one y'all claim to serve Y'all join the church. He trained to be a deacon Who you faithful to because I ain't read nothing in here about we abstinent and if you are absent Congratulations, keep that up keep going if you're not absent in shame on you shame on you feel shame Apostle Paul say sorrow leaves to repentance So get your life together get your life together get these things in order and do what you have to do Start worrying about money. Man. My wife got married. We have two nickels to rub together And we got some nickels to rub now you build together You don't get everything in order if you wait until every light is green before you leave the house You'll never go anywhere in marriage. You're gonna have to sit at some red lights You're gonna have to sit and focus and work. That's a part of it It ain't get everything perfect and then we get married because you'll never be married You'll never be married. Remember, I'm going on 12 years. Guess what? I'm going on 12 years of marriage still paying off debt. I'm still paying off debt because Sally made them They've been sold at somebody else now Navy Ant and Nell net y'all know who I'm talking about y'all paying Them student loans still paying it off great lakes. That's what my wife got great lakes y'all know about it And so we still paying it off, you know got car notes Got stuff you got to pay bills ain't going nowhere That ain't going nowhere if you want to live in this world You're gonna have you some debt at some point unless you listen day at Ramsey But even then You're gonna get comfortable and you gonna have you some debt whether it's a mortgage or whether it's a car note or whether it's School tuition college tuition for your kids. You're gonna have that so don't worry about the money Just be logical be practical and just pay your bills And if you got extra then pay extra and it's gonna take care of itself y'all got to worry about what's really important and That's your honesty and your trust and your communication That's what y'all don't have and you shouldn't be getting married without it and y'all shouldn't be arguing tooth and nail knockdown drag out right now either as an engaged couple you ought to be focused and ready and in love and feeling like a honeymoon and then the problems ought to be presented in marriage and Then you have the strength and you have the trust and you have the rapport to be able to work together To work through your disagreements in marriage Hey, there's Tony Gaskin Thank you so much for joining me if you have a question for me Be sure to send it to inbox at Tony Gaskins comm inbox at Tony Gaskins comm Make sure you check the links in the description just in case I got anything going on that you need to be at It's great talking to you and I'll see you soon