 Asalaamu alaikum and welcome to another episode of Making a House a Home with myself, Sana Ararji and our guest, Afima Muhammad, a qualified life coach and an NLP practitioner. Asalaamu alaikum, Fahima. Now today we're going to be carrying on talking about Ramadan and discussing family structure and community and how that fits into Ramadan. Can you explain how family structure and community is important during Ramadan? Well, let's just remind ourselves first about observing fast and how it's prescribed upon us and how we have to become pious in Surah Al-Baqarah. It does actually highlight that. And Fatima Tazahra alaihi salam says that fasting was made obligatory as a means of establishing sincerity. Now when we hear these sort of hadith and Surahs and these statements, we sometimes just overlook it in a general sense. But I want to bring it back to the actual home, the actual family, the actual structure and community. And also we should know that there's Imam Sajjad states in his Rasala that and the right of fasting is that you should know it is covering, that it is set upon your tongue, your hearing, your sight, your tummy and it's protecting you from the fire. Also, it is quoted that obviously with fasting, Imam Sadaq alaihi salam has said that Allah has made fasting obligatory not just for the rich and not just for the poor, but for us to be as equals. So when we take all of these sort of hadith and examples that I've just highlighted and you bring it back to the home, I'd like to sort of like say that we receive a lot of information and instruction generally about Ramadan as to what is the significance and what we should do and what we shouldn't do and what nullifies Ramadan, which is very, very crucial. It's very vital information. But at the same time, we need to know the full human condition and the experience that we need to sort of be aware of during this month. So for example, when we have increased in our Ibadah and we increase in our reading Quran and our fasting and worship, extra prayers, charity, the heightened consciousness of Allah, then obviously we are thinking that we are doing what we need to do for Ramadan. But we also have a responsibility for our families. We have a responsibility for our homes, for society and for outside the home. And that's really important. Islam is for us, but for us to share and for us to integrate and for us to learn as well as teach for us to be influenced by the good and to influence others. So we have struggles, you know, as believing Muslims, you know, having community around us, you know, basically as Muslims, you know, with all the challenges. But let's just consider the challenges and the tests that are faced. For example, the reverts. Yeah, of course, we need to consider that as Muslims already, we have maybe friends or we might see someone in the mosque all the time. But how much are we actually, you know, opening ourselves to that person to that type of community? Because, you know, everyone's segregated. Unfortunately, it's not just in Ramadan, but generally our mosques, our centers, the people that we associate with, the cliques, the friendships. It's very much our own kind, our own culture. It's not Muslim as a ummah. Yeah, it's not even humanity, people, because the only way sometimes you can influence is to actually go and integrate into outside your own religion, outside your own culture for you to learn and for you to teach. Yes, of course. Yeah. So family structure and community is important and vital information and awareness that we need to have. And this time of month is a perfect opportunity to sort of, you know, open yourselves up in your mind, in your way of thinking and believing, in your habits, how you live, you know, in your home, and how do you take that outside? Yeah, of course. I mean Ramadan can be a very lonely time for converts or reverts. And, you know, not all of them were blessed to be brought up in a Muslim household where they've seen Ramadan every month. They've observed the fast as a family, as a community, and they've had that beautiful spiritual closeness. So in a way, you know, could we do more to bring them into our homes as in allow them to be involved so that they can fill part of the family because a lot of the time, you know, it's mainly them that has converted and their parents are still non-Muslims or their siblings are non-Muslims and they're lonely and they're kind of isolated. Of course, it's definitely an issue that we need to be aware of and raise ourselves. I know the mosques and the centres, they have, you know, circles and societies for reverts and they might mix between them. But they themselves want to be open and integrate into the communities around them. But they can't do that and invite themselves. So everyone around who is already Muslim, who is already, you know, in a community, need to take upon that responsibility to take them and invite them home, to give them that, you know, few days of knowing what it's like to be in a family in a Muslim community, whether or not they're with their families or not, some of them, you know, are still living, like you said, some of them are alone completely because they've actually taken themselves out of even their own families and communities. So this is something that we do not raise enough and we do not give awareness as to what is it that we can do as individuals, as families, as a community. And what more can we do? So like I said, you know, we need to pray fast, give charity. But what about, you know, the things that outside, you know, blessing and Ibadah is more than just your obligatory. It is so much more and that's what we need to take from this holy month. You know, giving someone a helping hand, inviting them, even them, giving them, offering just water out of a soul, you know, peace be upon him and his family, said even that basic, you know, water that's given in a thar for somebody is so much blessing. So to invite someone to give them an experience, imagine. Yeah. And the first experiences are very important because if someone is perhaps considering becoming Muslim and they might visit a mosque and just that moment of stepping in the environment, the feeling that they get, it could create either a positive or negative. And the best time is Ramadan because it's where everyone gathers up. So the mosques do have a role and a responsibility to to all Muslims of all faiths. And I feel like that is slightly neglected in some cases. Do you feel that? I'm not sure about it being neglected. But what I can say is that when it comes to integration, I think the responsibility should be on us because we only go to the same places all the time. And that's not a learning for us in our new generations. Okay. I know we go for convenience a lot of the time because it's close to us. But then why not make it every week? We go to a different center, whether it's the Horseshoe, whether it's the Iranian, whether it's the Iraqi, whichever it may be. Yeah. Why don't we learn in that way? It's a great idea, actually. You know, do it that way. And that's when you can see more. That's when you can learn more and open up. Put yourself out there, even if it doesn't come to you. Yeah, definitely. And I think that's a better way of looking at life. And actually, because we shouldn't just be Muslims, united by culture and country, we have to be united more so as humanity, you know, looking at humans as one, as being as one. So our religion would only be the way it is because of the way it was spread in history. It didn't just stay in the Middle East. It went much further around the world. That's why it's so widely spread. But now we are even more enclosed. We're so scared of, you know, letting our children play with another sect or another culture or another background. That's how we've become in this modern day and age. If your home is solid with good foundations, good learning, good values and beliefs, you can let that child go out and they will learn openly as to what is right or wrong because that's what they've taken from the house. But to keep them caged and closed and only in the same setting, in the same situations, all the time seeing the same faces, that's not learning. That's not opening up your mind. That's not opening up anything. It's same again. It's just, you know, remaining in this bubble. Yeah, we're limiting ourselves really. It's very limiting. Yeah. So going to different mosques, you know, there are programs everywhere and they're in languages now which we all speak in English. So we're very fortunate. There's absolutely no excuse, especially in London. So, you know, take that time to experience that. And with Reverts as well, I find that we need to sort of be a little bit more, you know, sincere as to what they're going through. Because it's not just about experiencing a thaw. It's about the family unit. Yeah. But our own family unit needs to be solid. There's no point in you fasting as well. And there's no point in you praying and giving charity when you are at home grumpy and you're not even giving that attention and the time to your own family. Yeah. So those things are really important. Yeah, definitely. And then also we have others that we need to consider which are widows, single parents. That's a very testing time for them. Yeah. And this is the reality, unfortunately, in our society today. We have people that have been separated. So how do they celebrate? How do they benefit? How do they live? You know, because families, you know, are together a lot of the times during the holy month. So what is the structure there? Yeah, especially when there's children involved. Yeah, single parents, it must be incredibly difficult because it's incredibly difficult. You know, perhaps they had negative stereotypes towards them. Maybe they've been outcasted from their community and they're left on their own. And that could maybe make them go, you know, away from Islam. Absolutely. And so it's so important that we, you know, we try and stick together as a community, really, to help even if we see our neighbour who is a single parent or perhaps a friend that we know. Yes. You know, we should maybe invite them. What, you know, what bad would that do? Invite them, bring them to your house, let them see, be around you. That's true. I mean, you raised a very important point again by saying that, you know, people when they're in the situation automatically they are outcasted because of the situation they're in. A lot of the times it's not their fault. Yeah. And don't forget, we all live in glass houses and anything can happen to us at any time. So, you know, the more we lend, the more we reach out, the more we give and open our doors. Inshallah, then, you know, less bad and less anything will come to out to us. When you're like, okay, no, well, she's divorced now, we can't really have her round or he's, you know, a single person now we cannot invite them anymore. And that family is now, you know, not a family anymore. You know, we need to open our minds. Let's just talk about the reality of today. This is what we're doing. Yeah. And we call ourselves Muslims and we're fasting. Yeah. And then we have this sort of, you know, way of thinking and believing and behaving. So we need to really open up Islam and the teachings and the meanings and how we live day to day. This is the whole point of the show. Making a house a home because it's daily challenges, daily routines, daily habits that we have created, the way in which our mind is, the way in which we are being as humans to ourselves, to our families, to where we look at other people and all these stereotypes exist, all these cliches, all of these things do it because we create it. It doesn't mean if it exists, we have to conform. We can be the one that breaks those barriers. We can be the one that actually makes the difference and it only takes one person. So, you know, I'm just going to carry on like normal and I'm going to still invite that person or I'm still going to have them as a friend or I'm still going to be, they're still going to be part of the community regardless of their situation. And that is the difference that it makes to an individual. And that's when you become a leader, that's when you become an influencer, that's when you become, you know, a legend in a way, because you are creating something for generations that are watching your children and society and communities. But we don't do that, especially in our society and communities, especially amongst the Muslim Ummah, is very, very segregated, very, very much to their cliques, very much to their country and whatever language they speak in. Within their comfort zone. Within their comfort zone. It's whatever and they don't want to go out of that because it's safe and it's secure and they don't want to explore. But they're missing out by not exploring. They're missing out. And you know, just one person, it could affect them and change their whole life around and maybe their children and then their children's children, they don't, you don't realise the impact it could have on one individual. Until you do it. And I think we maybe tend to listen to what others think about us or we're scared to be judged. But ultimately we should just be scared to be judged by Allah. Absolutely. And that is our priority. And I think sometimes it's hard, many people tend to forget because they're very well known within their community and they don't want to be seen in a negative way. That is so true. That is absolutely true. We are dictated and defined by other people and the so-called community and society that surround us. But how much harm is that actually doing for ourselves, for our future generations? So Ramadan needs to be something that is reflection upon ourselves. It's the way in which we think and live. And when it comes to our family structure and communities, we cannot, we cannot be segregated anymore. You know, these sort of things that happen are so backward. This is what Islam is so much against. And if we're doing that to our own kind, what hope is there for the future? What hope? And if we want, you know, the outsiders outside our religion to look at us in a particular way, then we need to set those examples between us. We can't be brothers and sisters between us. We say those words, brothers and sisters. What does that mean when we don't live it? We don't show it to real brothers and sisters, let alone the ones outside the community. So that is something that needs to be considered. And the other group of people I would say that we need to obviously also consider are the elderly. They are very lonely because of the time of life that they're in and their stages. And they can still, you know, be invited in our mosques and our societies and communities to even give advice, to even give talks and lectures, so that they feel part of something still, that they can actually advise because the youth need that wisdom from the elderly. We can learn so much. They're so useful, but we just forget them too. And that's very lonely times. And a lot of them may not be able physically, but if there's a way of doing it, it can be done. How Ramadan used to be. And what little that we had that we used to still celebrate and appreciate and, you know, do things during this time and worship with so little. So that's the other thing that we need to consider. And when we invite the elderly, we can learn so much history. Yes, very true. And we can really like, you know, appreciate what we have. And even we think in today's society with technology and with all these advancements that we saw ahead, but actually things were done a lot more cleverly before. And community was a lot stronger before. We have a lot to learn from them. I think we think that we don't need to listen, but actually from someone who is elderly, their life experience, the knowledge that they've gained throughout their life experience is much more than ours. So we can pick the things that are good and maybe use it, incorporate in our own lives and learn from the elderly. They have a lot to give within the community. Well, you know, the spirituality and essence of Ramadan is so much more than you thinking about your food and just thinking about your tiredness and just thinking about those long days and thinking about work and children and home. Because, you know, it's about people. That's what makes us connected is people around us and inviting all types of people around us. Our homes shouldn't be with just one color. It should be all colors. It should be a rainbow. Our community centers should be that too. And you can take that however you want, but seriously, you know, our religion is for everyone. And even if they're not practicing, even if they have no idea about religion, it should still be open. Definitely. So these are the things that we need to consider when it comes to family structure and communities. And we as individuals really need to take more responsibility about that. And the, you know, the, you know, speakers and the, you know, society, sorry, the community centers, they need to advise about this too and open up people's minds about this so that we are aware of it. So when we see somebody we don't have to be even friends with them. Just, you know, just sit next to them and, you know, just have a conversation. What's your name? Where do you come from? What do you do? And there you go. There's a friendship there. And you can learn from each other. You can, you know, advise each other and you can have something different. And everyone has something to give. So don't underestimate anything. And your situation will never be the same. Just remember that. So that's one way of always knowing that you have to be out there humble about whatever you are, whatever situation you're in, because that's going to make you inviting to somebody else. Yeah. Well, you know, thank you very much for Hima. I'm sure the viewers have learned. So inshallah we'll be going to break now and inshallah you'll take the information on board. And maybe during Ramadan we can perhaps do something different and invite someone into our homes that we wouldn't normally invite. But inshallah we'll come back to answering some questions from our dear viewers. As-salamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh. As-salamu alaykum and welcome back to the second part of making a house a home. Now we've been discussing family and family structures and community. And we have a few questions from our dear viewers. Now the first question I have for you for Hima is Mustafa and he says he's a revert that's married with his own family. But he remembers when he was new to the religion and he found this time to be very lonely even though the mosques did have classes for reverts and a few friends did invite him to break his fast. However, people in general are very much used to being with their own kind. So how can we change this as I do not want to see the future generations conform in the same manner sorry. Yeah, I mean at the same time we cannot change other people's ways. So we need to basically start with ourselves and even as a revert now having your own family you can be that change and you can be the one that actually you know invite other people from all different cultures and sex and backgrounds and at the same time you know show others we need to take responsibility as Muslims generally and it's really sad that we still don't year after year decade after decade generation after generation we're still set in our own ways of when it was time in you know in Arabia where everyone was like you know in their own sort of you know type of background with regards to their sect and which you know which sort of you know background and you know culture and tribe they were from. So that is very back with thinking and I think it's time that we really need to reflect and we need to take it an actual goal and to make it an outcome that this Ramadan we're gonna set a goal that we're gonna find someone that is outside our community that is outside the norm and actually bring them home. So you know it that's if that's what it takes out what it takes and if each one of us that's listening you know makes that a priority it can be done yeah and that's when you can just automatically it'll be the norm. So it's it's you know it's us as individuals taking that responsibility upon ourselves and the enlightenment from that and the empowerment from that is just you know so dramatic and we don't realize that when we do this our children are watching and that's so important that's a learning in itself without any words being spoken sitting amongst people from all different cultures and backgrounds sharing and praying and eating together and that's what it's all about yeah not just the same faces with the same language and the same thoughts you know because even the conversations can be quite dead and boring you know this can bring out a so much more elaboration on information and knowledge learning from a person's past and their journey and that is teaching in your home and you say you don't have time well there you go invite someone that's not from yourself you know in the same way and that alone is a lesson yeah so you want to change communities you want to change generations start by doing it yourself yeah and and again I advise you know that each Muslim person takes it upon themselves to actually do the same yeah would you say maybe perhaps as a like if a revert was to go to a mosque they should perhaps try and try and push themselves to get involved like don't be scared yeah that's the other way of break through the the the barrier of fear and think you know what I'm entitled to be here I'm a Muslim yes I'm not going to allow anyone to intimidate me that's true and and and then build build your way up in that way whereas if everyone runs away because they're scared no one's going to be going that's a very good point of looking at it too because even if people are not inviting you need to be the one that you know looks like you can be invited by putting yourself out there you know speaking about this even in one of the lectures and say can I even have you know a space to talk for five minutes yeah and you know raising this awareness in one of the centers when there is you know one of the Ramadan you know series or whatever it may be in the mosque yeah so that people have that yeah definitely that could be something because a lot of people is also lack of knowledge so they probably think oh they're taken care of everything's fine they don't really realize that actually no there's a lot of people out there that are lonely and we're one of them yeah so um whether it's even getting a group together in the mosque it doesn't have to be in the homes so that you get a group of people together the regular to come and you know be part of this group in the society and then you know raise it in that way yeah so there's various ways of doing it so yeah that's a very good point inshallah yeah that that's a great advice I mean um the second uh viewer we have is uh anonymous and uh they say I'm divorced I'm a divorced woman with children and Ramadan is a very testing time for my family in my home it is nice when I invite family and friends but to receive the same in return is not usually extended because previously family have stopped others inviting me how can I deal with the situation well that's lack of knowledge that's lack of you know um sort of way of being um yes when there's a divorce when there's a separation of course there's a separation of family and friends but it doesn't mean that it goes to the extended there's a lot of families that still mix remember especially if there's children involved yeah they're still related in cousins and relatives and even as adults you still have friendships within the other side that you know you're divorced from and if people want to obstruct that and if people want to segregate that and then they want to you know cause barriers then it's on them yeah at the same time it just how many highlights that they're the ones that have the issue they have the psychological you know um sort of like imbalance because you know obviously that person's probably intimidating or that person you know just feels like you know they just want to keep that person apart for whatever reason but that again is not living and being as a Muslim because things happen yes you know there are separation and there's divorce and doesn't mean you have to come together as one but there will be scenarios where you might still mix and you know mingle for you to go out there actively and say I don't want that person in my space when I'm around then what does that say about you just in a general setting what does that say about you let alone in an Islamic home for you to be out there speaking that to somebody and you know causing that barrier you know creating a broken relationship yeah or trying to break a relationship a friendship what is that and that's one of the worst traits of a person yeah you know at the end of the day it shouldn't matter who's there and who isn't there even if you don't want to have a conversation in friendship just be civil and say salaam alaikum and be you know respectful yeah you know normally in these groups and settings they are you know they're quite a few people but you can still be in the environment where you're with somebody who is previously your family or relative and because of divorce or separation they're not your family anymore but if you want to cause more rift and more fuel to the fire then it's only going to come and affect you anyways yeah definitely and it could you know that would affect the mental state of the mother and then how she looks after her children I mean the impact it rolls over of course the main thing is that when you're stopping the adult you're stopping the child that also is your relative yeah so what is that people don't see it in that way punishing the child you're punishing the child because of your own ego yeah whatever it may be or your own issues whatever so that person needs to sort themselves out but you as a single person you keep keep inviting you know your doors are going to be open and Allah's going to open more doors for you in fact your life's going to be elevated even more so because people who wants to put you down or you know press you in a push you in a certain wall or keep you closed you're going to be opened up even more yeah and you're going to be in their faces even more whether they like it or not I know yeah that's what happens would you say it's better not to retaliate for example if someone is being like that you know us being human beings we try to you know question question and we might be can't confront them or we might think you know what if they're doing that to us I'm going to do that similar thing to them we should try and let them be let them be and just think you know what we're doing this for the sake of Allah we shouldn't care about if they want to be negative they want to be like I will pity that person who feels like that because only hurt people hurt people and sad people you know are like that to other people and they obviously have their own issues so you pray for them you know that's the only way to rise above other people is just always show goodness no matter what yeah positive comes out of it no matter what yeah and that's where your strength is that's where your protection is and only prayer will be able to give you that strength to do that yes prayer is your power definitely so that's what you need to remember and other people that want to put you down and you know seclude you and you know make your life even more worse than what it is that's on them they're being judged yeah you know you cannot control that but you don't need to retaliate you don't need to counter or confront if the occasion is there and you feel you can speak about it depending on the relationship you can address it in a very civil way yeah and a very respectful way maybe just to educate them but most of the time these people are doing it out of spite yeah out of their own ignorance and they know anyways and be the better person I guess better person exactly okay that's great and we have another question from Miriam and she says in our culture and societies we tend to not mix as much so how can we even integrate outside and teach others about Ramadan and its benefits let alone that our religion represents unity amongst many other wonderful things yes again we need to take responsibility ourselves it's no point even looking and pointing fingers at anyone else and say they don't integrate you yourself integrate yourself put yourself into centers that you wouldn't normally go to go to mosques that are outside your community and culture and that alone will get you being seen and hurt and then invite them to yours yeah do it in that way and you know like I mentioned before you know trying out different mosques in different areas in a different week yeah you know that's a really great learning it's an amazing learning and like I said you know you make friends that way and then you call them to yours and that's where you open up and you know inshallah one day we have a group of people that will just have a center called a center regardless of its name for where it comes from and which you know culture it you know belongs to which you know background and which you know country or wherever it may be yeah it's just there for everyone yeah and inshallah that's something that we should aspire to inshallah yeah inshallah and what about the idea of parents maybe getting involved with schools and informing them about Ramadan so perhaps taking in food and say and speaking to the class and saying you know it's for us Muslims it's the month of fasting and and and that will give others that are not Muslims or maybe Muslims within different sects and inside would you think that could be something that's a very good idea I know a lot of people actually have spoken to me about this where their children will take in like a project yeah with regards to you know add it to their homework and you know discuss Ramadan yeah and you know it's really you know at you know whatever age they are when their children it's really inspiring yeah and they become proud yeah and you know it's it's a learning and it's education for themselves and others and when you're proud of what you're doing and you go out there presenting it I think it's such an inspiring way of you know you know you know bringing out this blessed month yeah and that's real integration that's real way of you know making our religion you know open wider yeah exactly and others will become more tolerant they'll understand because you're not you know you have friends from all different religions and beliefs and we're we're taught as Muslims to tolerate each other no matter where you're from so if that's put from a young age into a child's mind you know they they'll get used to that I mean there are people from the Jewish community who go into schools and they talk about their Jewish celebrations to the class so they take it out and they take their time and they go into schools and they do that and you know children will especially my child she'll come back and say we've learned about Hanukkah or we've learned about this so we as parents sometimes need to step up and not expect everything to be done for us and think you know what we have a role each of us have has an individual role as a Muslim we have a role and we definitely have responsibility yeah and we are accountable for it and we're not just going to be questioned about the obligatory we're going to be questioned about what's in between yeah and that's what's going to really make you the person and you know create you into that you know that being that needs to be something special we want to be legends we want to be you know you know creating a legacy this is the way you do it now just through money and fame and fortune or the best job or the best profession it's you influencing and being part of society in a wider sense yes definitely and we want to constantly progress yeah we don't want to stand still we want Islam we want the teaching of Ehli al-Bayt to constantly keep going going I'm not coming to an end but thank you very much for that insight I mean we've got one more viewer and she is saying Zina sorry our children do find it difficult to fast especially when they attend school and they are the minority fasting so how can we make this easier and appealing for them well as we discussed in the previous question obviously you know it's like inviting it into the schools yeah educating others because a lot of the time people also judge because of ignorance so we need to sort of you know eradicate that and you know in sort of ignorance you know sort of do the opposite and you know give the education and when our children are educating others they themselves are being educated so you say go and speak to the schools about it and yes physically it is demanding on a child again you need to you know have a process where they are fasting and you need to create individual beings so that even though they're the only ones in their classroom that's fasting you need to be there to support them as to how they can maneuver around that situation yes you know it doesn't mean that you have to be in Islamic school or you're going to have to have loads of Muslims there because in this country in this life wherever you're going to be you're going to be put in situations where you're going to be the only one standing out and you're going to be have to be okay with that and take it upon yourself to be a leader for it and let the others want to question you and follow you and you don't need to be you know afraid of it yeah so that's a different outlook and that's a different way of looking at it so i am doing this and this is why and this is my benefit you know i know a lot of people they've told me that even some of their non-muslim friends want to fast with them because it's something exciting yeah something amazing yeah how we can influence especially with children exactly it's very true i mean we've now reached the end of the show thank you so much for you welcome and for all your insight and information i again have learned a lot and i'm sure the viewers have too and i hope you've benefited from this episode and inshallah we'll be back next week with another episode of making a house a home