 my dear sisters just to put in perspective that why this topic is important to learn for all ages sometimes what happens is that we kind of think oh i'm married for this many years this topic is not for me okay and sometimes we think about oh i'm not looking to get married yet this topic is not for me so this topic is for someone who is seeking it but i would like to just you know things a little bit in perspective that this is not the case marriage is ibadah just like any other ibadah in islam marriage falls under the category of ibadah and just like as muslims we should learn about the ibadahs that other ibadahs that are forth upon us it is important for us that we keep learning and updating our knowledge about this thing as well okay so just a few points that i wanted to highlight to put this topic in perspective but before i go into it when i was preparing to come here and talk about this this i remember this story that i heard long time ago and this story is about rabia al-basariya i think many of you know about her she's a ninth century she's a muslim saint and her spirituality and her spiritual stories are of great great importance so one day say the rabia al-basariya was looking for her keys under the light on the street so she was outside her home and she was looking for her keys and she was trying to search her keys under the under the light on the street so she was looking and looking and looking and was not able to find it so the the neighbors were watching her they also came out and this is we should help her find the keys that she has lost so she all they also started to look for the keys with her and they were tired and this is say the where did you lose it and she said in the home and they all looked at her and says really you lost the keys in the home and we are looking over here so and one of them kind of left at her and this is the opportunity that she was looking for you know and she said when we lose it here when we lose our happiness and our joy and our peace in here why do we look for the solution outside that's powerful she was trying to make this analogy that I lost the keys in my home I lost the peace in my heart I lost the peace and joy and happiness in my heart but I'm looking for it on the street outside she says similarly human beings they lose their peace and joy and happiness inside but they look for the key to unlock that outside they look in the society they look for it in shopping they look for it in the friends they look for it in family they never look inside and I thought this is such a powerful story especially for marriage and Sister Hala is going to tell us more about that that before we learn about tips for a happy marriage I think it starts here inside who am I what are my values what bad habits do I have where do I need to change and this was such a powerful story that I learned from her many many years ago I was reading a book and I came across that and the story stuck with me forever Rabi al-Basariya Rabi al-Basariya is a 9th century muslim saint some day we need to do a class on her she's such an amazing woman you know ahead of her time so now coming back to our topic of marriage today and putting it in perspective a little bit my dear sisters marriage is an important ibadah in Islam there was a scholar he was and we call him a sinner turned into a saint his name was Bishar al-Hafi if you study Islamic literature you will see his name coming up in the spiritual studies so Bishar al-Hafi passed away and he came to somebody in a dream and they asked yeah Bishar how Allah treated you he said I have been given the gardens of heaven I can look upon the the Ambiya from where I am but and then the question was asked so what happened to Abu Nasir al-Tamarai and he said because Abu Nasir al-Tamarai is an other scholar of his time he said his levels are 70 times higher than me and the question was asked how in the world our third process was you are more pious than him you never merit you spent a life of spirituality but he said Abu Nasir al-Tamarai got this level 70 times higher than me because he was married because it took on the responsibility of a family he has been given this this this lofty place in the paradise because of his daughter because of his son because of the responsibilities of marriage that he took upon and my dear sisters you will agree that marriage is a responsibility it's a bed of roses but with a lot of thorns right right here so but the thing is that Allah has this great reward for that once a person came to Imam al-Ghazali he says ya Imam should I get married or should I lead a life of devotion do you know what Imam al-Ghazali said both seek both be married and also seek a life of devotion this is how the lofty place of marriage is in Islam it is in ibadah and you know just wanted to share a few verses from the Quran Allah have said we have sent the prophets before you and we created for them their spouses and their children even the prophets of Allah which are special people and they're given a special task Allah also gave them spouses the responsibility of spouses and children you know sometimes you imagine these people were given such huge responsibilities such huge responsibilities of changing the humankind and even then Allah gave them the responsibility of family life how important must it must it have been another place in the Quran Allah calls this covenant between husband and wife as mithaqan ghalidah and the same word is used as a covenant between Allah and His messengers Allah said I have mithaqan ghalidah with my prophets similarly the covenant between husband and wife is mithaqan ghalidah then another thing that Allah have said over here is that and stay with them in kindness and this is my one of my favorite verses in the Quran my dear sister whenever I look at this verse I just wanted to share this verse with you I think each and every one of us should memorize this verse each and every one of us and this is a verse from surah annisa and in surah annisa Allah is trying to correct what is happening in the society Allah is correcting what is happening in the society where Quran is being revealed we all know what was the condition of the women in that society women were just not treated right and the whole surah is coming down to correct that and Allah when He is talking to men over here because it was the men in that society that were mistreating the women because sometimes people say why in these verses Allah is only talking to men well He is only talking to men because it was the men the first receivers of the revelation that were being not nice to the women so Allah is talking to them and says and stay with them in kindness and if you dislike something about them and my dear sisters this happens in marriage so Allah is talking over here to men especially but our ulama have said when Allah is talking to the men is the same for the women as well but because of the context because it was the context of Arabia Allah is talking to the men but in a bigger picture He is talking to all of us and this is a beautiful beautiful verse and He says that if you dislike something about your spouse and sister will tell us all of us do that there is nobody nobody is perfect right sister halla yeah so if you dislike anything about your spouse for Asa so maybe but our the scholars of the Arabic language have said this word for Asa is like you know be sure like you know it's like this don't worry i'm here reassuring that you dislike something that Allah will take out for a mate and you know this is the worst that i think in terms of marriage is very beautiful it's very practical that you dislike something and my dear sisters our spouses dislike something about us and we dislike something about them there is no question about it yes or no see how much in agreement we are over here for infat allah says if you dislike something about them but then again you let it go you turn your face away Allah says that Allah will make a way out of it how amazing is that that you let it go you ignore it for a happy life for for happiness for you for the sake of the family for the sake of the children that we all do Allah says for asa and takra who say and why judge allah who fihi kheer and kathira Allah will make and Allah is saying that don't worry you dislike something you turn your face away i'm gonna bring out kheer and kathira it can be in in the shape of your children it can be something in the Akira anything but if Allah is saying it you dislike something about them but instead of like you know changing and changing and changing it never happens right what happens is that if you just you know turn your face away you know let it be and just let it go for the sake of Allah Allah says he will make way out of it i think this word kheer and kathira just focus on that Allah will make this happen that great great things will happen from it if you let go of this imperfections that we have in each other this is verse number 19 surah annisa because Allah in this verse is talking to men about treating the women good but you know this is for them and they are the first ones to be addressed in that but it is talking to all of us so my dear sisters just these few words about the importance of this subject in our dean inshallah i will hand over to sister halana inshallah we have the guru today and we will learn from her mashallah jizakumullah kheer and kathira salam aleykum mashallah what beneficial knowledge you know sharing from the quran sharing from the stories heartwarming may Allah bless you bless your family everything that you do for the community jizak Allah for your loving words too i appreciate it wassalaat wassalaam aleykum so i've had the privilege of working with thousands of muslims mashallah the past 25 years and it has really opened up my eyes to so much and i want to share some of some of the experiences with you so one day a one sister came in okay to the office and she was extremely angry right she couldn't wait to just tell me everything that is wrong about her husband right as soon as she's sad it's like he's so unreasonable he's and then there's always a diagnosis right there's and he's definitely a narcissist i read about it he has all the signs of being narcissistic very just doesn't help only thinks about his mother okay and so sister uh what you know what are you hoping from this session i want him to change he needs to change okay sister what what are you putting what are you putting in no i i'm finished putting in i i gave i gave 15 years 15 years i am not giving okay does that sound familiar to some people right okay then we have the husband comes in comes in and he is like this wife let me tell you about my wife she's unreasonable angry she's the wife is always bipolar okay bipolar she's one minute happy most of the time angry not reasonable doesn't take care of anything oh brother what what are you hoping from from this session what do you want change her change her and i will have some peace of mind and i will get okay brother what what are you putting into the marriage what what are you doing no no i work i work i provide the house i provide this that's it okay so i'm sure all of this sounds very familiar right and you know the analogy i like to use it's very much like a person who goes and works out not many people work out here any working out okay we got all right so imagine if someone not as relatable but that's okay all right imagine if someone comes to you and says i have been working for three hours working out nothing it doesn't work what would you say i would ask them what are you doing what are you doing at the gym if you're going to the gym what exactly are you doing that it's not working and they would say well i'm just looking i'm checking people out right hey you know i just want to know who's working out who's not managing you know i'm kind of observing okay all right then a second person will come of course they're not going to see any results right another person and this is the kind of person that they just show up right the person who's in the marriage or they come to the marriage counseling and they just show up okay i'm here i'm here for the session right then the second person says i go to the gym one hour no no results okay what are you doing yeah what are you doing at the gym well i have these one pound dumbbells but i don't see any results so if someone has a one pound dumbbell they're not going to see results right then you have the third person who goes to the gym and puts 20 minutes 20 minutes but they are pushing themselves to the limit they are pushing hard and it's hard right you hear some of them screaming right and it's just so difficult and they're pushing and what do they see they see the results okay and i always ask my clients i'm like before we make a commitment right i want you to tell me which one are you going to be are you going to be guy number one guy number two or guy number three because i only want to work with people who are willing to put in the work and the effort right because if in marriage it is whatever you put into it okay just like the gym if you're just there and just watching you're not going to benefit if you're just showing up i'm i'm the wife you're not gonna your the marriage is not going to improve if you're doing the bare minimum it's not going to improve the only way your marriage will improve if you hold yourself to a higher standard and you give and you give and that's when you're going to see the results right and a lot of times i ask my clients i tell them what when they're they may be very very frustrated they don't want to hear this right and i'm like what percentage are you putting in the marriage and i ask each of you very honestly okay look within because i know it's really easy to all him 95 percent i may do five percent if they if they even claim that right but look within your hearts and tell me what percentage are you applying into the marriage not just the cooking and the cleaning what amount of affection what amount of energy positivity kindness compliments would anyone want to share the percentage anyone what you're not going to say you're going to give that really oh that's good my shahla all right affection okay yes 90 okay okay we're going to need to whisper and i'm not talking about the cooking and the cleaning and the kids i'm talking about cheerfulness i'm talking about listening and really being empathetic yeah like what's the percentage now give me a percentage now okay that's very honest of you i appreciate your honesty someone else want to share yes 15 percent okay thank you thank you for that honesty what were you going to say who was going to talk my shahla good good so you're putting in the effort and you see the results high five sister all right so for those percentages and each of you have a percentage in your mind you don't have to say it out loud you all were kind enough to share it no judgment okay i really respect honesty and be knowing where you stand right that percentage you have that number okay what letter grade is that or f a lot of people learn s yes zero okay that's that's an f okay all right how many of you are okay were you okay with getting f's in in school did anyone seize most of you are hardworking achievers i know one of my friends told me she mashallah became a doctor she said her parents told her a you know you have only a the b is for bad all right so none of you would accept anything less than an a in your academics right i'm sure even if you got it some b some c you would never accept it from your kids right okay so if we have that kind of standard for academics this is our grade with a law what grade are you getting as a wife with a law this is a very powerful question and actually in my sessions when i presented it is a it's a paradigm shift right because many times people they don't realize they don't realize they justify they they make excuses but when you realize whatever it is then double it whatever you're doing at least double at least get that passing grade right you want at least the passing grade now it's also another analogy i want to use is marriage is very much like taking care of a garden any of you into gardening you like gardening how how important you too okay how important is it to tend to your garden they die and so the sister said if you're not diligent your garden is like your children you have to look after them you have to water them if you don't they die my father allayah was had an amazing green thumb and he would come home and he would immediately change and he loved his garden had all that you know the fruit trees and he did amazing my mom was jealous of the garden this is your baby this is what you're excited about right so subhan Allah but guess what because he spent time because he watered it every day because he changed the soil we got amazing fruits buckets and buckets and buckets of fig right so in your marriage if you tend to your marriage the way at a very attentive excited like passionate gardener would take care of their garden you're going to get the fruits of it if you ignore it and if you don't water it and it dies whose fault is that we can't just sit there and go about you know it's it's the flower shop i bought it from right no you didn't take care of it so we have to take responsibility and you can't like sister i mean i was saying that we cannot change the other person right i'll give you a story i cannot i we've been married now for 26 years mashallah i have not been able to get my husband to stop at a stop sign fully especially the one in the in the neighborhood in our house you know he's like this is just a suggestion you know so i would always tell him stop i mean especially when that you know the kids are learning how to drive and if they see baba like rolling the stop sign right so early on in our marriage i had always sung stop then one time he rolled a stop sign and the police came i was like okay let's see so the police comes he's like i need your driver's license i need your you know insurance you rolled the red light and he's about to write him a ticket okay he's like getting it and i look and i go thank you officer i always tell him to stop at the sign but he doesn't stop and he looked at me he looked at him and he's like he's gonna be in enough trouble so he gives back the driver's license he gives it back and he goes you all have a good day and i said you're welcome so we we're not gonna change we're not gonna change i'm sure all of you have tried if someone and rule number one in psychology is you cannot change someone who doesn't want to change okay who do we have control over we only have control of ourselves and Allah says in Allah will not change the condition of the people until they change themselves and this is the most important aspect so every marriage program i have i have like a premarital and the five pillars of marriage we start with what work on yourself just like you were saying beautifully we have to work on ourselves because if we don't if we don't look inside if we don't try to make adjustments then we can't expect for Allah to put the barakat in it right when you take on the responsibility and you say you know what let's do a social experiment okay all of you are you in are you gonna do it yes all of you okay that you're still not sure she's like let me hear it all right social experiment for the next month i tell some people three months but let's say one month you show up as how you were at the beginning remember you said at the beginning i was really pretty very nice always cheerful and then it just kind of died i want you to just do a social experiment and you do it first and foremost for the sake of Allah say Allah because i am getting a grade and if i have a failing grade i can't accept that for myself i am not going to fail as a wife right so and i have to always put a disclaimer sisters because i've been doing this long enough to know that there are many cases of abuse okay there are many cases of abuse injustice and if you're dealing with that which i'm sure in a room this size there's at least a handful if not more people dealing with domestic violence with injustice with all different difficulties okay so if you're dealing with that i would highly recommend getting help getting some professional help it's never healthy to be to stay in an abusive marriage and it's not healthy for the kids you know a lot of people say i stayed for my children but what happens with the children i work with the children who have been the product of abusive families and it's not pretty it's not it is one of the scariest thing you will see mental health disorders and drug addicts people who just go they go so astray because of a dysfunctional household so you know staying in a marriage we always hear it's best if mother and father are together there's a clause that most people don't know about if there is respect if there is kindness if there is you know there is trust and mutual right because if there isn't then then their kids are going to witness that and it is going to bring out all sorts of scary things so i just say that i know that if you're in an abusive relationship that's a different case but some yes yes well so the cycle of abuse right a lot of the people who abuse their children or abuse their parents they were abused right and so witnessing this i can't tell you the number of clients i just had one reason said at she used to see her mom being beaten up and it would break her heart and she would cry and she would have so many issues then at 15 she started defending the you know the mom and you can't imagine what turmoil that she is in right now and anyone who goes through that right so we definitely have to be aware of that now if if it's not let's say abusive and it's just that you're just annoyed from each other normal issues that come up between husband and wife and you get on each other's nerves and things that they say upset you maybe you're lacking affection maybe you are lacking the attention the quality time what i would say is a social experiment for one month you try to give all the things that you're hoping to receive okay so you want affection you initiate right you want what is that saying be the change you want to see right because if you're sitting there waiting he's not going to change but guess what if you make changes within yourself he's going to respond to you if he's psychologically sound and he's he doesn't have major issues the normal and not everyone's like oh well there goes that experiment but even with the narcissist upon a lot i've had i had one case one lady came in and she was just crying she was crying profusely she's like i don't think i can hang in here anymore i have tried and she was a very reasonable hardworking you know sometimes people you can tell you can tell when someone is really putting in the effort but the husband was somewhat narcissistic and i told her certain things to change and by the fourth session she was all smiles and she came in and she goes i can't believe that only making these small changes has made my husband into a totally different person even though he had certain issues even though he was very he was unreasonable he had the narcissistic person i bet he goes because she made the changes in herself he responded to her differently right so you know a chemical reaction any chemists here no chemists usually there's some some biology majors or something okay so a chemical reaction what would happen if you change one one of the what is it called one of the ingredients or the substance yeah what would happen it would completely change it right with one substance maybe there's no reaction another substance is combustible right so when you change maybe you're that combustible person can we admit that can we admit that we have maybe some issues that we need to change that we may be stubborn that we may be a little oh i'm seeing a lot of guilty smiles that we may need to soften up a bit right so when you change that about yourself guess what happens to your husband he's just first of all he's like oh my god what did you do with my wife right who are you and what did you do with my wife it starts it starts to soften the heart and as you do the nice things it may take first it's like is this for real how long is this going to last what does she want one month that's why i usually say three months okay for those of you who are over achievers do this for three months that'll lock it in okay if you do this i'm telling you your husband is going to look forward to coming home i had one lady she came and she was so so upset she's like my husband's a workaholic he never comes home he's just that's all he cares about work message at work message it never puts any time sorry never puts any time and i asked her sister like when when he comes home what are you wearing exactly she's like sweat okay what do you talk about i'm complaining from the moment he walks in that door i am ready to complain about the kids about his mom about you know everything right okay and i said what else like do you do anything fun no not really you know and i said okay try this i said get yourself looking look look pretty look presentable you don't have to do it all day right before he comes i remember uh when my daughter was two she's 18 now mashaAllah i have a 23 year old 20 and 18 mashaAllah but when she was two right before my husband would come like i just put like a little lipstick right and it got to a point that anytime i put on lipstick it's like it's daddy coming it's baba coming home he'd take a few minutes it doesn't have to be all decked out you know usually the men complain and they say well the only time i see my wife dressed up is when she's going to a woman's party right the only time she's you know i'm not going to go into details of what you know how you're taking care of yourself is only for other ladies not for the husband right so she did that i told her to dress up she dressed up the next appointment i did not even recognize her i didn't recognize not to be mean but i just didn't because she just what she she took she fixed her hair she put a little makeup she put nice outfit and she looked amazing and then i told her so what happened she's like oh my god and she kept this up okay wasn't just one day two days three days she kept it up and the workaholic who used to not want to be at home and was using any excuse i'll volunteer dating a volunteer i'll do it just get me out of this house right he was looking at his watch he was looking at his watch seeing when it's six o'clock so he can come home to his wife because she greeted him she made him feel valued because usually the men are like you know i come home it no one even cares no one it doesn't matter she's just on her phone the kids don't care she that why should i even come right so look look your best go to the door that makes a world of difference you know we were at a wedding and my husband asked the group of men and he said i was standing right there was like when we were saying goodbye and he said if your wife came to the door and she looked you know she looked nice and she came with a smile and she greeted you and she was like you know cheerful maybe even brought the kids and stuff what how would you feel at there i'm like oh my god that would be amazing i think she could come on my back this is what some people were saying right men do not need prolonged periods of time like as women we need the quality time for a very long period they need it at critical times in the morning when they're going before they're going to work when they come back these critical times if you're there if you're pleasant if you're showing love you're showing support you're going to be his rock i mean look at khadija radiallahu anha like anytime i think about that example it makes me teary eyed she was given salam from allah for being a righteous wife it wasn't for the amount of abadah she did it's not for how much we're on she memorized it was not for the community work it was her maqam as a wife that earned her salams from allah and jabriel alayhi salam deliver it i mean i get chills so if we aspire for that we aspire to have that that would be amazing right i know some of you are looking at me it's like you don't know what i've gone through i bet i do i've heard it all i have heard it all subhanallah now what i um so the social experiment is to try this and see see the change you said 15 percent what would happen when you give 80 percent you're going to see a huge transformation you said 25 percent start see what happens if you give 80 90 percent really when you are putting in the effort you're going to see the result just like the gardening if you're just going water like cup of water and think yeah i watered the garden with one cup yeah right right and that's the next that leads us to you know there's the five a's of loving okay these are really really important the first is attention giving attention to your spouse is so powerful and we're all in need of it right how do you feel when someone is really in tune with you they're listening they're you know they are following up with what you're doing it feels great and we're so we are in need of it so if you give that attention to your spouse then it's going it's going to feed them and look we are so much in need of this attention that when someone does not receive it just like the lady who is looking for her key outside they start looking outside the home and i i i have at least like let's say five cases sometimes a day of muslim couples that are cheating it's very common no one talks about it no one thinks it happens in our communities the most unsuspecting people are involved with this because they're hungry they're they're starving if you're starving and you see a cold pizza how you're gonna you're gonna grab it and have it right if you've had a seven course meal and you see a cold pizza how do you how do you feel about it you don't even look at it i get so much better at home right yes yes and this is this is a very important part of the attention because usually we're just like each person nothing can compete with the phone right because it's got all your favorite things it's stimulating it's funny it's and so what we need to do and i tell my clients this is have a phone phone free time phone free meal time we're not a lot to have it at the table either right if as soon as my if one of my kids put it on their mom it's islamic lecture i don't care what it is right i don't care wait this is our time so phone free time put the phones away and look into each other's eyes okay so first day is what was what attention all right the next the next day is appreciation appreciation how great does it feel when let's say when you have a dinner party okay and your friends come and they eat your food and oh my god it's so delicious oh i love how you decorated your home it makes you feel great what if people come they eat and they just leave they don't say anything right show that appreciation to your spouse when was the last time you complimented your husband today high five sister good job what'd you say you don't have to share okay you look good okay men need the compliment just as much as we do right so make sure you give the compliments and the appreciation i told that one lady remember the one she said her husband's a workaholic i said when was the last time you you appreciated the fact that he's working so he's just doing his job why do i have to think him uh oh some guilty laughs okay well in the same way i mean couldn't he have the same attitude right you could say well you're just you're taking care of the house you're taking care of the kids that's just your job sometimes and it's just because it's us girls in the room right we're ignoring the uh tislim edek yes yeah yeah it's like saying you know may i love preserve your hands and thank you so much right so sometimes we have a double standard would you agree we want the appreciation we want the compliments we want the love and all that but we're not willing to give it okay so try part of the social experiment give compliments oh my god you look really great in this don't say something i mean be genuine right because he's going to be like what is what's wrong with her be genuine um and especially if how many of you are working moms okay all right how many stay at home moms a lot of stay at home mom okay so just show appreciation for the fact that he's working right that makes a big difference the third a so first a was attention second a appreciation third a is affection okay affection you have to show your love and you have to show your love in the way he likes it how many of you know what the golden rule is what is the golden rule the golden rule there's a golden rule there you go ding ding ding oh whoever makes the gold oh okay well the golden rule do on to others as you would want to have done to you does not apply in marriages does not apply why doesn't it apply give this lady a prize good job everyone's love language is different what else is different 100 100 sometimes it doesn't work out that way right sometimes it's 60 40 sometimes it's 90 10 but it's good to come in with the mindset to want to give right the reason the golden rule does not apply because first of all man and woman right who want very different things and if we do what we want the guy's gonna feel suffocated right i'll give you a very simple example let's take for instance i've i've spoken to so many men and i ask him like if you were crying would you want anyone there would you want anyone next to you almost up until today i could say all men say they don't they want to be alone until today until today that messed up my 100% okay that's okay there are some exceptions right but generally the majority i would say over 98% of the men say if they're crying they want to be alone okay now what about majority of what how many of you want to be comforted when you are crying raise a hand raise a hand okay so you see majority right so between the spouses yes of course to show exactly sure but from your spouse right so if the man applies this he goes i want to be alone but then he marries someone who wants to be comforted and when she's crying he leaves the room thinking i'm respecting her i'm giving her space then what ends up happening oh i knew he doesn't love me i just knew it right so what do we have to do we have to communicate before we got married yeah we met actually in um at the msa in the university of houston and at that time she also got he was our imam you know that like 30 years over 30 years ago and then one of the things i told my husband i said if i tell you i don't want to talk about it don't listen to me i really do want to talk about it you just have to insist a little bit more right so you have to give the key to your heart to your spouse all right so that's and then the affection we talked about affection right and just find out how the person wants the affection some people some people want to be hugged some people want to find out and that's where we've said the golden rule doesn't apply because if you do what you like that person is kind of like talking swahili if someone in swahili is saying they love you you don't even understand it right so you have to say the loving words and then the fourth a is accepting what do you think it means to accept your spouse what do you think any idea a whole package right yeah exactly you know sometimes people come in and they're doing premarital counseling and it's just like yeah you know she just she just needs to put on a job and she just needs to yeah and she just needs to change this she needs to change her dressing she used to do all of these things then she's gonna be a really great wife and then the the wife might be or the spouse to be well he just he needs to become a doctor he needs to become more religious if was oh yeah i had actually one of my friends said if you don't change your major my parents are not going to accept so he yeah he went from engineering to physician to get the approval all right so accepting the whole package right what does that include their looks right sometimes we can be very critical of each other so the looks we have to accept their capability right some people are more capable than others you have to accept maybe some of the the family right it's a package like some people it's really interesting because i have i've had this conversation with many many sisters where the husband is like please you know call my call my mother call my they want to hear from you and she's like i'm i'm not required Islamically i have no responsibility how many of you have heard that and have seen that it's that's that's beautiful it's not from the akhla and fiqh is very different right in the sense that and i use this analogy or look at it this way the man fiqh if we want to talk fiqh suddenly everyone's into fiqh i am not responsible for my mother in law i'm i'm seeing some dirty looks too yeah exactly well when i i ask the sister i go fiqh if you're interested in fiqh now the man is only responsible to provide what shelter food basics we cannot do that right and how many of us are willing to apply the fiqh in this aspect that we want the max give me the best house give me the best vacations take me to the best restaurants so you see the discrepancy so we can't like expect the best but then give the bare minimum it's just it's just not Islamic akhla like you were saying and if you give and you are loving to your in-laws you will win your the heart of your spouse right there exactly sometimes the connection is not made right and and another very important thing is i asked the people who say i'm not talking to her she's toxic his mom is so toxic i can't handle all that negativity no and i said okay do you have a son yes all right your cutie little son grows up gets married and that's and that daughter-in-law what if she says oh your mom is so toxic i cannot handle her negative that we can't i can't would you accept that come on you would be like oh heck no right no girl it's good you just divorce her that's what they you know the advice would be right so we have to have we have to be fair we have and and what goes around comes around if you don't allow your in-laws into your home which this is the reality reality someone said oh i want to invite my parents okay as long as you know as long as i'm somewhere else if i'm i'm in i don't know wherever they can come right so we have to be really fair about this the last a is allowing allowing what do you what do you think allowing allowing what okay allow them to have free time allow them to have hobbies yes there you go allow them to be themselves not constantly micromanaging don't be a mom okay the biggest mistakes that people make they become a parent you know the quickest way to end any desire that your spouse may have for you is to act like a mom okay so acting like a mom did you pray have you uh did you go to the masjid pray there have you read your grant what did you shower have you showered what else yeah what is that oh pick up after yourself what did you say telling them clean up do this do that and micromanaging right yeah please well that that's but that's that's problematic right because let me let me address this one if he's saying you look maybe you're showing more affection more attention but if you do it first and foremost say i came up with a priority pyramid and think of a pyramid but upside down okay the biggest part the first is a love right next and people freaked out when i said this eight years ago and now alhamdulillah more people are talking about but next is self care self care yeah and but a lot of people because we've been raised with sacrifice sacrifice sacrifice and isaac it's a beautiful aspect of our dean it is necessary at times but if you neglect your health if you neglect your mental health if you neglect your physical health if you're a sick depressed depleted woman what can you give to anyone right so self care next is who kids or a spouse good you've seen the pyramid they freaked out about this too they're like no no no my kids they they need me if you don't make your husband a priority then when the kids grow up and they leave you're going to be left with a stranger because a lot of times what happens is the man becomes resentful of the kids a hem a hem all right because he feels that he they're taking all the attention right but if you continue to give him love if you continue to give him respect then he's going to love the kids with you it's not a competition right all right and then the allowing yes be allow them allow them to pursue what if they have some dreams don't shoot down their dreams give the support any questions you guys yeah you know first of all you have to create a positive association to coming home positive if as soon as he comes home it's like and I remember I would stay at home mom for a period of time when my kids were little and I used to think my husband's at a picnic you know well he was at a picnic why aren't you home yet and when he'd come it was like okay you want to pass the baton why don't you not take over with the kids you have to and now that I work full-time overtime there are times I come home and I'm just like maxed out I'm like I don't want anyone to ask anything of me right so seeing both perspective it is important when someone comes home and it you have to alternate right it can't always be that like oh you know you have all this time and the mom has gone through a really hard day too but if your husband is having an especially difficult time or a stress style let him unwind let him have that time and don't nag because a lot of time when when a man says not a lot of times when they say I don't want to talk about it they really it's not like me saying no no it really insists it they really don't want to talk about it and when you keep pushing and insisting it's very annoying okay so give that space allow it and then because sometimes men have to go more internal they need that space and then and the sharing has to do with your reaction because sometimes when they shared you may have overreacted you may have been judgmental you may have criticized and so he's like you know what I'm not doing that again so be careful about how you're reacting so that it will be something that they'd want to do again okay yes in the back remove what in the bathroom dirty clothes yeah these things you know I would I would suggest having a family meeting okay saying look I know it's annoying when I nag okay uh what can we do I always say this like the men who say I am just so annoying she nagged and I'm like guess what she won't nag if you do it all right let's right a lot of times what happens is that men may need they may need a reminder okay but let it come from them right so in a sense ask I don't want to nag and we have these problems what what would you like me to do a word what's the solution have him generate a solution if you're doing ever if you're doing everything that we're saying and he still doesn't pick up is that what you're saying or he still doesn't change and that's why the solution has to come from him right so sometimes with my clients I will tell them you need a codeword you need something that you can say and then you don't have to be nagging right some funny term something funny you say it and he knows what you're referring to right that's a beautiful reminder sisters I think all of we all of you need this we all need this reminder you couldn't hear so she was saying there are certain things there are certain things that you come to terms with that it's not going to change my husband is not going to stop at the stops okay it's not happening all right and then she's saying that you remind yourself at that time there's other wonderful things he does right and my husband talks about this about um he was very particular about where he squeezes his toothpaste don't ask me why I don't get it he likes it from the bottom okay so when we first got married I'm just like from the middle okay so initially he that was irritating and sometimes I didn't put the lid back okay oh my god she's shocked okay are you like wearing but don't judge I didn't judge you all right okay so the thing is initially it was irritating him and every time he's like oh my gosh like now I do it okay I put the lid back on and then he reminded himself he was like one day he saw this he was irritated and he's like oh my gosh like if anything was to happen to my spouse I you know I would be looking for that you know the squeeze or like the shoes that are in the living room or the towel that is on the ground so you remind yourself and you show gratitude for what you have I think there were a couple hands yeah that's very tough and we experienced you know my husband always used to go to work and come back and then for the past 10 years we um he Masha'Allah even though he's very successful in doing oil field services he decided he believes in what I'm doing and Masha'Allah he came to support you know the marriage of helping Muslims have a better marriage so he's been working from home 10 years now right and it's not an easy thing because I really like that oh okay Bob is kind let me go put that right now it's like Bob is here all the time he's always here right so I get it it's it is very challenging and um trying to it's always good to have some time apart right I mean even when it's like your me time maybe taking that whether it's exercising time with your friends because it really becomes hectic all right just like