 Hey Abbott what time is it? It's time for the Abbott and Costello show. We're on the air for ABC here in Hollywood Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go with the Abbott and Costello show Yes, it's the Abbott and Costello show produced and transcribed in Hollywood for you listening and laughing pleasure with chuckles with a carload and music by Maddie Malmek, so hold on to your chairs folks for here. They are but Abbott and Lou Costello What are you so excited about? You know our new picture Mexican Hayride? Yes, it's playing at the theater across the street When the women see me in that picture they they get so hysterical that every night at seven o'clock a woman jumps off the roof of the theater Yeah, what time is it now? Two minutes after seven She was late tonight Talks sense. Did your aunt may see the picture Lou? She was going to but Uncle Mike played a St. Patrick's Day joke on her St. Patrick's Day He took her out to the airport tied her rope on a plane and told her to hang out to the other end of it St. Patrick's Day has been gone for a week. Yeah, so does that mean Your uncle Mike ought to be ashamed of himself. He's as big a jerk as you are uncle Mike ain't no jerk He's a student and he's so educated that he can speak 15 languages Well, he should be happy. He isn't Aunt May knows how to say shut up and every one of them But by going to college Uncle Mike has got a new job He's going to Egypt to dig up the tomb of Tut and Caiman's daughter. How did they ever give him that job? He says Tut and Caiman. Yeah, he's a stranger He's going to dig up the tomb of Tut and Caiman's daughter Well, how did they ever come to give him that job anyhow one night? They saw it me What's that got to do with getting the job? They figured that if he could dig up in me he could dig up anything. I'll get him Before the boys any further involved in nonsense. Here's a thought that makes good sense Stop yelling. What'd you say kid? I called your house last night and there was no answer. Where were you? I went to a quiz show Abbott one guy won $100 silver dollars another guy won $35 silver dollars. I won dr. IQ's wife wait a minute How'd you win dr. IQ's wife? He ran out of snickers These quiz shows are amazing stop the music as over $30,000 in the jackpot I wonder how they get all that easy money to give away. Well, it's easy. They got a drip pen under the Bank of America Oh Talks ends. Don't you listen to any anything but quiz shows? Oh, sure. My favorite show is all about maple fuzzleburgers Now I got fuzzleburgers Stop that again. Let's hear that my favorite show. Why should I it was good? My favorite show is all about maple fuzzleburgers You should have heard it yesterday her father broke both his legs and her brother her father broke both his legs and her Brother is in a plastic cast and they were so happy to hear that their nma only has to have eight operations that are 12 It ended when maple pushed her husband's wheelchair over the window just in time to see her father get killed by a hit-and-run driver What's the what's the name of the program? life can be wonderful I forgot about the last joke Get out of the house once in a while and go to the movie my uncle Mike used to take me to the movies every Saturday before I had his accident what accident uncle Mike ran his car on a telephone pole and color both his ears He can't see so good anymore. What's getting his ears cut off got to do with his being able to see now He ain't got no place to hook his glasses I understand that you were in the car with uncle Mike and and that you got hurt too. Yes I had shooting pains ever since shooting pains. Are they getting any better? No, since I gained all that weight They're getting worse. Why are they getting worse? They got more to shoot at You and your uncle Michael are a couple of nitwits. I don't see how your aunt mate puts up with them Well, she's not gonna put up with them much longer. He hits her and besides that she found out he's unfaithful. He's unfaithful Yes, he hits a lot of women too I don't know what your uncle Mike will ever do if your aunt may ever leave him He'll do all right. But he's got a new invention. Your uncle Mike in his phony inventions none of them ever work Well, he's got one now. I can't miss ever it's a thing that when a girl is hungry and thirsty it feeds you and gives us something to drink What's it called? A man Well, here I am fellas and I'm all ready to go. What do you want? Come on, ask me a question so I can win a speed queen washing machine or a mix mask I'm sorry, fella. This is the Avon Castello and we're not allowed to give anything away Oh, you're not I think I'll give you a good punch in the nose. I'm sorry. We're not allowed to accept anything either You guys have got to give me better jokes than this or I quit This is Abbott's uncle folks Why don't you get this guy a job Abbott and keep him out of here? Well, I nearly had a job this morning. I went over to the department store and applied for a job in a long underwear department What happened? They told me they didn't have an opening for me He'd probably have got the job and we'd have kept his trap shut Abbott if you don't stay out of here, I'm gonna punch him in the nose. I'll tell you right now Are you kidding? Are you kidding? I'll punch him in the nose. You're a coward Well, aren't you a coward? No You're a a scaredy cat. Aren't you? No. You're a yellow belly. Aren't you? No Try panty-waste Are you a panty-waste? Yes, I thought so. I'll bet you couldn't even take candy away from a baby. Well, that all depends What do you mean boy or girl? Oh, there you are castello. I've been looking for you. You know when you took me home last night I forgot to kiss you. Good night. Yeah, and I'm gonna do it right now. Oh, thank you. Come here Gee, thanks Viola. You know when you when you hold me in your arms like this and squeeze me tight I get annoying feeling in my chest. Is it love? No, my elk's tooth is chewing on my ribs Shame on you castella. You can't even stand a little squeeze from a girl. You're out weak now I don't say that Abbott. I'm one of the toughest guys you ever saw. I used to be a bullfighter One time I fought a bull in an ox, both in the same ring. You did? And I'll never forget it First I charged the bull. Then I charged the ox. Then I charged the bull. Then I charged the ox Hey, wait a minute. How did you do that? I had a charge account at Bullox Whoever wrote that one gets to the head of the class You sound like a pretty rugged guy castello as I get my place. I'll let you know Oh, yes, I had a charge account. Oh, we did that. Do we sound like a pretty rugged guy? That's your line Let's say I'm rugged. I gotta be me. I'm doing a whole script. I'll say I'm rugged Last summer I spent a whole vacation all by myself hot in the woods I even learned how to make a fire by rubbing two sticks of wood together You can make a fire by just rubbing two sticks together. Sure, but one of them has got to be a match Viola, how about you and me stepping out after the show? I got all dolled up tonight just for you Yeah, I noticed that you look awfully cute castello and I also noticed that you smell wonderful too. What have you got on? Nothing I guess that explains it That's telling Viola. How about you and me? How about you and I going to the movies tonight Viola? Don't go with her rabbit. She'll try to take advantage of you like she did of me What are you talking about castello habit? I took Viola to a movie She sneaked on the aisle ahead of me and stole the bulb out of the arches flesh like Why just just for that crack castello, I'm never going to the movies with you again Anyway, you're not my type. I prefer men like Gregory Peck and Van Johnson. Oh, yeah, what if I got that they haven't got no What have you got that they haven't got you got that backwards. That's just the trouble. He's got it backwards Viola You're being a little rough on castello. It's not his fault that he's stupid. He had a pretty tough childhood Is that true castello? Yes, I had a very bad start Viola when I was born. I only weighed a pound and a half Pound and a half. How'd you live? I saw newspapers I Not only that I was so poor that when I was in school. I had to keep my feet under the desk Why because I didn't have any shoes Oh castello, that's awful. Not only that when the teacher asked the question. I couldn't even raise my hand. Why not? I didn't have any suspenders either I I can't stand any more of this sad stuff. I've got to go to work. Where are you? Excuse me Where are you working Viola? I've got a job over the five and ten. I'd like to stop in and see you Viola What department of the store do you work in? I work in two departments I sing songs in the music department and I sell perfume in the perfume department. Well, uh, how will I find out? Just walk in the store and if you hear anything or smell anything, that's me That's only half the fun folks just as many laughs yet to come but first listen to this The singer star of the abboton castello show howl winters with maddie malnick and his orchestra Any state in the 48 is great So let's appreciate that any state is a reason we should celebrate You know, you really rate in any location throughout the nation happiness can be far From border to border things are in order. So tip your hat to your home ground See that little twinkle up in the blue Oh glory set aside a special star for you So take a trip and it will Demonstrate any state in the 48 is great in any location throughout the nation happiness can be far Your hat to your little twinkle up in the blue Oh glory set aside a special star for you So take a trip and it will Demonstrate You know, you're not supposed to make phone calls during the show. Who are you talking to? I just call my new girl. I've it. You have a new girl When did you start going with her last night? I took her for riding Griffith park and I stopped the car and asked for a kiss She says, how dare you? I'm a Hollywood girl and I don't kiss men in automobiles Well, it's time you learn castello that a lot of our california girls won't kiss a man in the car in Griffith park Yes, I know The woods are full of them Anyway, we parked I held her hand and then I couldn't get my car stopped It must be this cold weather. What what kind of oil do you use the regular kind? I began telling her I was lonely Well Never mind that. How did you meet this girl? She wrote me a fan letter. She fell in love with my sam shovel detective character Are you still getting fan mail on sam shovel? Sure Just listen to this one I got today here lucas tello I listen to your sam shovel detective program every wednesday. I haven't missed one of them I've been trying to run to you for weeks now, but I just can't seem to find you I'm coming to the studio tonight and certainly hope I get a chance to run across you Mr. Castle as a guy outside says he's just dying to run into you. Well, haven't come in. I can he's driving a 10 ton truck Oh, never mind him castello. What have you chosen for your sam shovel detective story tonight? Well, it's a case. I worked on during the recent cold spell we had here in california I call it the case of the man who burned his sweetheart's body in the fireplace or I've got my love to keep me warm Oh shut up unless let's get on with the case. Come on The makers of smudge pot cigarettes Present the adventures of sam shovel private detective, but first a word about smudge pot cigarettes You can easily recognize smudge pot cigarettes. They're 11 inches long Of course, we also make the king sigh And our word to our lady smokers smudge pots ladies do not contain apple honey If you want apple honey get an apple honey And now let's listen folks to what a tobacco warehouse man has to say about the tobacco that goes into smudge pot cigarettes If you all don't get that tobacco out of my warehouse, I'm going to call the boat of health At auction after auction the makers of smudge pots have put in the highest bid So far they have bought 800 watches 35 sets of living room furniture carpets and drapes If they ever go to a tobacco auction, brother will we have a cigarette? And now your favorite detective program. Here he is sam shovel private detective. Yes, I'm sam shovel Sam shovel private detective I'm grilling a suspect in my little office Tell me who killed david it. I know you did it speak up So you won't talk a I'm trying to ring a confession out of him Given this guy to third degree don't do no good He's been hit on the head with a rubber hose so much he don't get his hair cut no more He just has his head retreated Looks good too He's got gray temples with white sidewalls I've decided to forget about this guy. I got more important stuff to work on The studio called me today. They want me to find sydney green street They can't find him. They looked everywhere. It seems he just disappeared into fat air Well back to work now I'm on a very baffling case. I've been trying to find the solution, but I've been barking up the wrong tree For weeks now. I've been barking up the wrong tree I didn't solve the case, but I made friends with a very nice cocker spaniel I've been getting a lot of new cases lately Sam shovel speaking I did mrs. Fields I'll read you the report Your husband went to three nightclubs six different bar rooms Four cocktail lounges then at one o'clock this morning. He drove up to Mulholland drive Following you Well, I guess I'll knock off work now for a few minutes and have my lunch I've got a sandwich in my pocket Ah, there it is my favorite sandwich tuna fish salad with sliced tomatoes and pickles Just dripping with mayonnaise I'm gonna eat the sandwich the hard way the hard way Without bread Now for a smoke I decide to light up a white owl Putting down the white owl. I reach for a cigar I've I got a slight cold this morning when I came to the office. I blew my nose Haven't seen it since Wonder where I blew it Well, it's about time for my pal lieutenant amateur the homicide squad to show up lieutenant avid only has one weakness When he takes a drink of bourbon it goes to his head It's gotta go to his head. His body is filled up with scotch Hello, sam Sam congratulate me. I just broke an important case. Which case lieutenant remember the crooks Shack I broke into and found 50 gallons of green ink a bundle of paper cut the size of dollar bills in a printing press Yes, that was three months ago. Well this morning. I convicted that crook of counterfeiting Brilliant work lieutenant When did you first suspect he was a counterfeiter a year ago? He came into my office and confessed Any other new cases sam? Yes last night. I got a job guarding the bodies in the funeral parlor That must have been a pretty lonesome job Yes I got so lonesome that I played gin rummy with one of the corpse You idiot corpse can't play gin rummy And how come I lost $18 Talks and sam I got away today from the state prison that melvin hot rod the The reckless driver goes to the electric chair at midnight tonight. You worked on that case, didn't you? Yes, melvin hot rod knocked off six pedestrians in a safety zone But they can't send him to the chair I've got some new evidence that will prove him innocent what evidence I found out that melvin didn't have a driver's license Then he's innocent. Sam we've got to stop the execution. How can we do it? I know one man. He could save melvin from the electric chair. Come on lieutenant. We're off to the state prison Lieutenant Abbott and I arrived at the state prison in this prison Are confined the toughest criminals in the country. Let me out of here. I want to get out of here Lieutenant, this is really a tough prison. Just listen to that guy Please get me out of here. I can't stand it. Let me out Sam lots of guys in prison act that way What makes you think this prison is so tough? That's the warden Here's the god captain's office sam. Let's go in Ah nice to see you lieutenant Abbott You too detective shovel. All right. What's on your mind boys? Sam is here to see prisoner melvin hot rod. Oh, yeah goes to the chair tonight We've got him in solitary. He's on melba toast and water. Don't you mean bread and water? No, he's on a diet All right, step this way gentlemen Hey What's going on there? Oh those prisoners are working. They're making california license plates Why are they hitting them with hammers and bending them all up? Well today? We're making license plates for los angeles drivers and we'd like them to match the cars By the way, what did you want to see prisoner hot rod about mr. Shovel? I'm here to stop the execution You can electrocute him who says so have you an order from the governor? I got a more important man than that who will stop you from electrocuting hot rod He'll be here in a minute. This is ridiculous sam hot rod goes to the electric chair in five more minutes And you can't stop this electrocution. He's right sam. Oh, yes. Here's my man now. He'll stop it I got here on time sam. Wait a minute. Who is this guy? He's the man that will stop you from electrocuting hot rod. His name is alec alec. Who alec trishan. He's from the light company The light company you ain't paid your bill in three months and he's going to turn off your electricity Now before having costello have their final claim We bring you one more thought on this subject before we say good night, lou Why don't you tell the folks about your sam shovel story for next week? Well, I will folks next week. My sam shovel case will be a mystery story I call it the case of the beautiful red-headed lady cook who fell into a pile of boiling goulash Or there's good stews tonight This great mystery is now being written by our writers our writing staff is headed by eddie foreman with paul conlon pakestella Martin ragaway and lenn story and our producer shales vander. See you next thursday. Good night folks Listen each thursday night at this time for another great habit and costello show reduced and transcribed in hollywood Be sure to stay tuned for the outstanding entertainment which follows throughout the evening on this abc station