 Kraft presents the Great Gilder Sleeve. Each week at this time, Kraft presents from Hollywood, California, Harold Perry as the Great Gilder Sleeve, written by Leonard L. Levinson. We'll hear from the Great Gilder Sleeve in just a moment. But first, I want to remind you that these are challenging days for every one of us. It's our duty to produce more to help meet our country's increasing needs. And that takes plenty of good food, as you wise homemakers know. Wholesome, nutritious food that provides the energy and nourishment your hard-working, hard-playing family needs. That's why you should know about Parquet Margement, made by Kraft. Parquet Margement is a delicious food that's packed full of wholesome nourishment. It's one of the best sources of food energy you can serve. And important to you housewives who know how essential vitamins are, every pound of Parquet Margement contains 9,000 units of vitamin A, making it a reliable year-round source for your whole family. What's more, Parquet is the margarine with the delicious flavor, whether you use it at the table for baking or for pan-frying. So why not give your family the benefit of this grand-tasting, nourishing food? Tomorrow, ask your dealer for a pound or two of economical Parquet Margement, made by Kraft. Just ask for Parquet, P-A-R-K-A-Y. And now let's visit our friend the Great Gildersleeve. Come on, wake up, Judge Hooker. Pay attention to your checkers. It's your move. I know what Gildersleeve, I was merely studying the board. What, were your eyes closed? Let's speed this up, we haven't got all night here. All right. There, there, there and there. Now crown me. I'd love to, but I haven't got anything to do it with. Hooker, I don't see how you keep beating me, honestly. In fact, I don't think you do, honestly. Gildersleeve, you're a pushover. You couldn't win a game from a backward baboon with a dozen checkers up your sleeve. I could too. I mean, I wouldn't need a dozen checkers. I'll show you, Hooker. Set them up again and pull in your belt because this time I'm going to beat the hell of Leroy. How are you tonight? Leroy? Sam, can I? Can you what, Leroy? Well, I hate to keep pestering you, Bob, but can I see the circus tomorrow afternoon? Not unless they happen to pitch the tent in the front yard of the Peter B. Flughal Hammer Junior High School. Is that where you go, Leroy? Yeah, Flughy Junior High. Say, I grew up with Peter B. Flughal Hammer Senior. That's who the Junior High School was named after. Well, I thought the school was named after Peter B. Flughal Hammer Junior. No. Junior was the son of Senior after whom the Junior High School was named. Poor Junior. He never could finish Senior High. Yo. But, gee, Uncle Mort, could you call up school and ask if I could skip tomorrow? I did, Leroy. I even went so far as to predict that you wouldn't be feeling very well tomorrow. What did they say? They told me that an excuse for illness while the circus is in town must be accompanied by a note from your doctor. Shucks. That's a heck of a note. Yes, yes. Well, there's no use grousing, young man. Remember, school must come first. Now, sit down and get started with your homework. Yes, Leroy. Your homework matches the thing that's going to count in later life, not going to the circus. I don't think so, Judge, because in my later life I expect to be a lion tamer. Oh? You don't need any education for that. All you need is a kitchen chair and the right kind of breakfast food. Well, yes. This lion taming is new, though. Last week you were going to become a pitcher with the Brooklyn Dodgers. Oh, that was last week. Gee, I wouldn't mind missing the circus so much, Uncle Mort, but I hate to see those passes go to waste. Oh, did you get passes, Gilda Sleeve? Did I get passes? Yes, sir. I've got certain connections. Yeah, Uncle Mort gets the right number of beans in that jar in the drugstore window. Yes, I connected that time. Gee, Uncle Mort, are you sure you can't take me? I'm sorry, Leroy, but you'd better make up your mind to skip the circus. Oh, gee, a guy can't get any fun out of life. Yeah. You know, Gilda Sleeve, sometimes I think our school system has become too scientific, too streamlined. You're right, Judge. These days everything is streamlined, except me. Yes. Things were a lot different in the days when I went to school. What a memory. I sat next to P.D. Plooglammer. That was long before he was elected Lieutenant Governor and then named the school after himself. Oh. We had none of this modern stuff like getting a doctor's prescription to go to the circus. Yes, it was the same in my school days, too, Judge. Of course, I'm not as old as you are. What do you mean, Gilda Sleeve? You were shaving when I was a little shaver. I was not. You were, too. All right, all right. I was always taught not to contradict my elders. Come to think of it, Judge, we kids used to have a lot more fun than modern children have. I can still remember some of the tricks we pulled at school. Do I? Shenanigans, they were called. Yes. I'll never forget the time I dropped a paper bag full of water on the Spanish teacher. Only it turned out to be the new athletic coach. And when he caught me, boy, it was he athletic. That's nothing. I once sneaked up behind Miss Pettibone's desk and tacked her dress to the floor. Kids don't do a thing like that these days. Kids can't do a thing like that these days. Say, Judge, did you ever put eggs in the principal's umbrella? No, did you? Uh-huh. I had my own hen and I saved eggs for a rainy day. I can still see him lifting that umbrella over his head. Well, I put Alam in the water pitcher to our graduation exercises. Oh, that's a peachy stunt. What happened? I didn't graduate. Oh, yes, youth. Sometimes I wish I were a kid again, just so I could pull a few more of those cute little innocent juvenile pranks. Well, they're a thing of the past. Yeah. I've never heard of kids doing those things these days. Not enough imagination, I guess. That's right. You know, I remember when a dog and pony show came to our town and all us kids made up our minds to go. You know how we got the afternoon off? No, how? Well, I climbed up on the schoolhouse roof and stuffed my coat into the chimney. Boy, I wish you could have seen that smoke pour in and those kids pour out. Gildy, I'll bet you were caught. Oh, that wasn't anything. Did I ever tell you about the time we smuggled the horse up in the bell tower in college? Gee, no, Commort, tell us about it. Well, I borrowed this. Leroy, I didn't know that you were still here. Sure, you told me to do my homework. Say, did you ever do any homework on Commort? The stacks of it. Gee, why didn't you find the time? Didn't it interfere with your jokes? Now see what you've done, Gildy Sleeve, given the boy a wrong impression of our childhood. Me? You started it, tacking teachers' skirts to the floor and you a superior court judge. Aren't you ashamed? Well, how about you, egging the principal on and trying to brain everybody with bags of water? What do you mean, everybody? Just our Spanish teacher, Miss Olifson, that's all? Now, Leroy, don't get us wrong. Judge Hooker and I were merely reminiscing about an era that doesn't exist anymore. I'll say it doesn't. You couldn't get away with those corny gags today. Those gags weren't corny, Leroy. They were mighty clever. Huh? Oh, yes, yes. They were terrible. The big kids made me do them. I'm ashamed of myself. Aren't you, Judge Hooker? Yes. I was a bad boy. You see, Leroy? Gee, you two treat me as if I was 12 years old. You are 12 years old, Leroy. Sure, I know, but I don't like to be treated that way. You'll have to hurry, Marjorie, if you're going to the circus with me. I'm almost rushed, Uncle Mort. Well, I'd like to get there on time for once. No matter when I start, it seems I always arrive in time to get caught in the opening procession. One year, a hippopotamus chased me around the ring twice and never did find my seat. That's too bad Leroy couldn't get off from school to come with us. Yes, the poor boy. Well, we'll bring him back a red balloon and a little whip with a tassel. Hey, anybody home? Hi! Leroy! Gee, I'm glad I caught you before you left for the circus. Leroy, what are you doing home at this hour? School was dismissed just now. Come on, let's go to the circus. By the way, Leroy, why were classes dismissed? Well... Accident? What was the accident? Oh, nothing serious. Then what was it? Oh, it seems they had to get all the students out quick. On account of all the rooms had to be aired out. Paired out? They did? Why? Sure, exactly. But the general opinion is that somehow or other a skunk got into the air conditioning system. Oh! Best I've ever seen. How did you like the fellow who did the swan dive into the tank of burning gasoline, Uncle Mort? I liked him, but I don't think Secretary Icke's word. Leroy, there's something that's been troubling me. It's that skunk in your school. You mean Mr. Proctor, the principal? No, Leroy! The one that got into the air conditioning system. Do you happen to know how it got in there? No, I don't. Say, remember the tiger that rode on the elephant's back? How did they train him to do that, Uncle Mort? Oh, with kindness, I suppose. Leroy, did you happen to have anything to do with it? With the tiger, Uncle Mort? No, the skunk! That wasn't a skunk! It was a tiger! Tigers and skunks have different kinds of strikes. I know they have. I'm talking about school. But you know, I've been thinking. Isn't it a strange coincidence that this accident occurred on the day the circus came to town? Yeah, funny, ain't it? It happened if when the lion tamer had his head in the lion's mouth, the lion suddenly had a sneeze. Well, I don't think anyone would say casuntite. Now, Leroy, I hope that nothing Judge Hooker and I said about our school day pranks caused you to try to imitate us. Oh, no, sir. You understand? We were just talking about old times. Yes, sir, like Judge Hooker says. That's about all you old timers have got left. Your memory? Yeah. Is Leroy home from school yet? Well, let me look in the refrigerator. I know, sir. Did you expect to find him in there? No, but I can tell if he's here about what he ain't. Well, maybe he wasn't hungry this afternoon. That boy? Why, he's nothing but appetite held together by skin and bones. Oh, what's the matter? Well, there's a lot of strange things going on at Leroy's school. And I'm afraid that maybe I'm partly to blame. How come you messing round to school? Is you one of them parents' teachers? Yes. No, it's just a Judge Hooker and I were talking about some little pranks we used to play when we were in school. A little harmless things, you know. Uh-huh. Well, Leroy happened to overhear us, and now I'm afraid he's showing us the modern versions with the chromium trimmings. Uh-huh. What makes you think Leroy's doing formidable? Well, did you read the afternoon paper? No, sir, it never gets to me till the following morning. Oh, yes. Well, I've got it right here. Listen to this. Juvenile Joker startled school. Police were called early today to investigate a large stout lady's body seen suspended from the window of principal Polkney Proctor at Fugelhammer Junior High School. Oh, who was it, Miss Proctor? Yes. No, listen. Closer inspection revealed that the body was a dummy, stuffed with old football pads wearing a green and purple silk dress size 48. Green and purple silk? Size 48? Yes. Sounds like my Sunday go-to meeting dress, the one that was kidnapped off the coastline last night. Yes, doesn't it? Well, what's my dress doing in the newspaper? I don't know, Bertie. Hey, Bertie, here comes Leroy. Do you think he did it? Good afternoon, Mr. Morris. Hi, Bertie. Say, is this your old dress? That's my new dress, Leroy, and what you doing with it? Well, Piggy Banks just gave it to me. He says the wind must have blown it over into his yard. He found it under a window. Young man, isn't this the dress that was hanging out under his window this morning? You mean on the dummy that was suspended from school? How could it be if it belongs to Bertie? What do you think, Bertie? I ain't saying nothing. I'm only too glad to get my dress back without paying ransom. I'm going to hide it this time. I don't know what to do. Look, Leroy, don't think of me just as your uncle and your guardian. Think of me as your pal, your buddy. Now, if there's anything that's troubling your little mind, why don't you just come right out with it? Well, okay, uncle. There is something that's been bothering me. I understand. Go right ahead, my boy. What is it? Well, how did you ever get that horse up into the bell tower at college? Oh! I asked you to come here tonight, Judge Hooker. It's because you and I are turning Leroy's school topsy-turvy. Why, I haven't been near the price. We've been doing it by remote control. Remember how we shot off our mouths in front of Leroy about our school day monkey shines? Yes, and say I just remembered another one. Just forget it. Leroy's been up to all our old tricks. Oh, his teachers have caught him, huh? No, that kid's smarter than we were. But we've got to stop him from going on with him. Well, maybe if I gave him a little lecture. Hooker, you don't understand, children. That wouldn't work at all. We've got to pretend we don't know what's going on. That shouldn't be hard for you to do. When Leroy comes in, that'll be our cue to start casually chatting about the evils of practical joking. Settle propaganda, you know. We can try it. Too bad this whole thing had to happen. You know, Gilder Sleeve, it would never have started if you hadn't opened your fat face. Me? Why, it was you that started it, you little travesty on justice? Is that so? Why, Gilder Sleeve, if you had the intelligence of a jackass. But no, why should I daydream? There's no use arguing with you. Why not? Because I don't argue with blubberheads. Well, I do, you blubberhead. Just because you're a judge, do you think? No, I can answer that myself. You don't think. Don't you provoke me, you big water wind? Oh, that settles it. I'm going to lamb-baste you with... Oh, excuse me, I didn't think of that. Oh, come right in, Leroy. I was just telling Judge Hooker how to baste a lamb. Wasn't I, Judge Hooker? Huh? Oh, yes, yes. Don't let us disturb you, Leroy, my boy. Go right ahead and do your homework. Pay no attention to us. I won't. As we were saying, Judge, don't you think that juvenile delinquency often starts with some innocent boys' prank? When were we saying that? Oh, of course, Gildersleeve. Quite often the young fella starts out for a lark and winds up in a cage. How's that? Oh, Judge. Then you think that their practical joking can lead to serious consequences? Surely. It starts out with a fella dipping girls' pigtails into ink wells and then he becomes bored with that and puts firecrackers in the coal scuttle. Yes. Or water in the teachers' galoshes and then setting them out to freeze. Never heard of that one before. That's only good in real cold weather. Well, in summertime you can always put flypaper in all the chairs. Yes. Where the words kick me printed on the back. Say, I did that when I was in fourth grade. You should have seen the fun of recess. You know, I used to hunt for frogs during recess and put them all in the lunchboxes. Once I made a mistake and put one in my own lunchbox. Did I tell you about the time that I snagged our principal's wig with a fish pole and then hoisted it to the top of the flagpole? Oh, boy. I wish I could have seen... Oh, my goodness. What have we been saying? Huh? Leroy, don't you pay any attention to this old... Say, where is Leroy? I don't know. You said pretend he wasn't here by Georgie, is it? Yes, and a lucky thing, too. How did we ever get started talking like that again? I remember distinctly. You began it, Gildersleeve. Me? Who are you, feeble little fuddle-headed, funny-dutty? Smile when you say that, Gildersleeve. Smile? I'll laugh right out loud. Hello, Marjorie. Hello, Pierpont. I came to see Meatball. Who? Meatball. You know, Leroy. Only, he don't like us kids to call him Leroy anymore. Like, I don't like to be called Pierpont. All right. Piggy. Come on in. Oh, Leroy. It's right that way. Thanks. Well, come on in. Don't be bashful. But, your uncle, that's in behind that newspaper, ain't it? What's the matter with him? Oh, nothing. He always does that after dinner. Ain't we gonna disturb him? No, we had roast beef and potatoes for dinner. Nothing will bother him for another hour, at least. Well, well... Now, let's get going on that history stuff. Well, I know Miss Keller's going to ask us about the vice presidents tomorrow. Are you sure? Sure, I'm sure. She's going through the book exactly the way she did last year. The first time I took the course. Okay, I think I got them memorized. But, is she going to ask us the names of all the vice presidents? She did last year. I kept the diary. All right. Gee, what a question to ask. Well, you take the list and see if I get them right. Shoot. Uh, John Adams, Thomas Jefferson, Aaron Burr... You said that. Say, Meatball, what do you think this stuff has been pulled off at school lately? Well, I don't know. What do you think of it? Oh, I don't know. Have any idea who's doing it? Gee, I don't know. You got any idea? Well, I don't know. Who do you think? I don't know. Let's get back to the vice presidents. Okay. Shoot. Uh, John, I don't know who put the iron sulfide in Miss Keller's inkwell. How'd you know it was iron sulfide, Meatball? Shucks! Anybody knows that's the stuff that puts the smell in inkwell. You know who pulled that one, Piggy? Let's get back to vice presidents. Okay. Uh, John Adams, Thomas Jefferson, Aaron Burr, I don't know what good knowing the vice presidents is gonna do a guy who's gonna be a stuntman in the movies. I thought you were gonna be a lion tamer. Well, lion tamer's just one of the stunts I'm gonna do. Talking about stunts, did you hear about the one somebody just pulled tonight over in the schoolyard? Which one's that? I've heard about it already. Well, maybe I do, and maybe I don't. I ain't sayin'. What are you talkin' about? All about what they did to old man Flugahammer's statue. Somebody dressed him up in a set of red-flattered underwear and a corset. No kiddin'! Yeah. Boy, if they ever find out who did that, they'd be expelled from school Prano, I bet. Well, let's get on with the vice presidents, Pig. All right. Say, could I borrow a glass of water? We had corned beef for dinner. Sure. Come to the kitchen. I'll get it for ya. Boy, wait on Mr. Procter sees the woollies on Flugie. Did I hear right? Red flannels on the corset on Flugie? Or was I just dreamy? No. There's Piggy Banks' hat. It's true. Oh, let me think. Yes, that's what I'll have to do. Yeah. Six. The poker's just as much to blame as I am. I can't let Reroy be expelled. Hello, Judge! This is Gilda's leave. You gotta help me with something. I can't explain now, I'll pick you up in about ten minutes. We've got a date with an old schoolmate of yours. Are you sure this is the right part of the schoolyard? Why, of course. Not so loud, Gilda's leave. Oh. I'm a superior court judge. Can you picture what would happen if I'm caught? Yes. Scandalous, isn't it? Oh, why do I let you get me into situations like this? Because you haven't got any more brains than I have. And where in the name of Goots and Borglum is that statue? Never mind, I found it. Yeah. That's flugelhammer up there. Flannels, corsets and all. Let's not hang around here all night, you mislead. Come on, I'll boost you up. But wait a minute, I take this top coat off. All right. Yeah. Yeah, that's better. All right, get down now. I'll see you, Daisy. Oh. Oh, my poor back. You'll cave it in. Push my other foot up, Judge. I will if you take it out of my hip pocket. Yeah. There. Is that better? No. Now, now it's in my ear. Well, in one ear, not the other. Gilder sleeve. Get up there. Yeah. Okay. Uh-oh. What's wrong? Judge, do you notice a sudden cold wind? No. Can't say that I do. Which way is it coming? Up. Judge, hold my feet so I won't fall. I got them. I got them. You're all right. Solid as a rock. No, no, you're holding Pete's feet. What? The flat-footed flugel hammer. Yeah, that's better. Now I can get to work. I wonder where Leroy ever found this corset. Make it snappy, Gilder sleeve. Who do you think you are? Gypsy Rose Lee? Yep. Okay, okay. I've got it now. Here. Catch it, Judge. Hurry up before somebody catches us. All right. Hey, Leroy, it must have sewn this underwear on. I never knew the little rascal could sew. How's it coming, Gildy? Just another second. Cut out that whistling, Judge. I'm not whistling. Watch me. Come on. Rip it off. Let's scram. Okay. Head for the car, Judge. This way, Judge. Quit calling me Judge, Gilder sleeve. Don't you believe him, Gildy? Oh! Scatter, Judge. Scatter. I'll meet you at the drug store. The principal sent for us, Uncle Mort. Well, now, you let me handle the whole thing, Marjorie. Do you think that Leroy might be in some trouble? Well, I didn't want to tell you, Marjorie. Your brother has turned his school into a midget version of Hell's a Poppin. He had. Until he heard Judge Hooker and me brag about the foolish antics we performed as children. Oh, I hang my head when I think of it. And I'd like to hang the judges, too. Oh, now, Uncle Mort, it can't be that serious. No. Well, come on. You'll see. You know, after all, boys will be boys. Leroy is just a bit high-spirited. And what's wrong with that, sir? You were a boy once yourself, weren't you? Me? No. I was talking to the principal. Rehearsing, I mean. After you, my dear. Yes. Look at George Washington and the cherry tree. Just high spirits. Washington was a boy, too. We were all boys. Uncle, are you all right? Of course I am. No. No, I'm not. It's been a long, long time since I was called to the principal's office, but I still get that old feeling. Me, too. Yeah. Well, brace up, Uncle Mort. Here we are. OK. Let's go in. Hope he doesn't make a stay after school, Marjorie. Uh... Mr. Proctor? Yes. I'm Leroy Forester's uncle, and this is his sister, Marjorie. Well, I'm glad to see you, too. I want to talk to you about that young man. Yes, I know, Mr. Proctor. Really, he's a fine boy at heart. I realize that. There's something I want to tell you. Sure. But you were a boy once yourself, weren't you, Mr. Proctor? Of course I was. Yeah, you see, Marjorie, didn't I tell you? Mr. Proctor was a boy once himself. Probably high-spirited, too. Surely. Now about your nephew. I hope you're not going to be harsh with him. But why should I be, Mr. Forester? Excuse me. My name's Gildersleeve. Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve. Glad to meet you, Mr. G... Did you say Gildersleeve? Yes. Did I say something wrong? That happens to be my name. And does that happen to be your top coat hanging on that hook? Where? If... Yes. How did it happen to get here? Last night, that coat with your name in it was found by our night watchman. Oh, my goodness. Excuse me. I just remembered a dental appointment. One moment. There's something else that belongs to you. Your red flannel underwear. And your corset. Corset? What? Uncle Mord! I don't understand. Neither does Mr. Proctor. I understand only too well. Are you ashamed of yourself? A grown man. A big fat grown man. Going around at night putting union suits on statues. Uncle Mord, what is this? Now can't you explain? Sure. If I can get a word in, that's why. Actions speak louder than words, Gildersleeve. It's a lucky thing for you that Leroy Forester is your nephew. It is? I'd expose you in a minute. But I don't want to spoil Leroy's big day. Leroy's big day? Oh, what has he done now? That's why I sent for you. Today, he's going to be presented with a Chamber of Commerce medal as the outstanding student in Flughelhammer Junior High School. What? Leroy? Well, I knew it all along. The great Gildersleeve will be with us again in a few minutes. But right now, I want to ask you, what is the most welcome compliment a hostess can receive? Well, I'm told it's a sincere appreciation of the dishes she serves. Comments on the lightness of her cakes, the flakiness of her pie crust. Explanations on how downright good everything tastes. So here's a tip for you housewives. For baking that's sure to win compliments, use delicious Parquet Margarine, made by Kraft. You see, Parquet Margarine is a genuine flavor shortening, not a bland, tasteless fat. Yes, the same delicate appetizing taste that makes Parquet Margarine so delicious for table use gives added flavor to baked foods, too. And Parquet mixes so easily and creams so smoothly. It's really pleasant to use. Remember, too, that Parquet Margarine's flavor makes pan-fried foods taste better, and it doesn't spatter or stick to the pan. And whether you serve delicious Parquet Margarine at the table or use it for cooking, you are giving your family a nutritious, wholesome energy food. Remember, too, that Parquet is an excellent source of vitamin A. So give your family the benefits of this delightful nourishing food. Serve them economical Parquet Margarine tomorrow. Just ask your dealer for Parquet P-A-R-K-A-Y. It's made by Kraft. That's a beautiful medley, Roy, and I'm mighty proud of you. But, uh, won't you answer just one question for me, my boy? What is it, Uncle? Who was responsible for all those escapades around your school? Uncle, more than I positively don't know. Much more, I don't want to know. And even if I did know, you don't think I'd squeal on my pal Piggy, do you? Eh... You're a bright boy, Leroy. Good night. Original music heard on this program was composed and conducted by William Randall. This is Jim Bannon speaking for the Kraft Cheese Company and inviting you to be with us again next week at this same time for the further adventures of the Kraft Cheese Company. This is the National Broadcasting Company.