 So today, we're going to talk about situations ships What? What is that? I was waiting for you to ask okay, you know It happens to be the most popular of all relationships today or what's known as situations ships and situations ships are actually relationships with a lot of Ambiguity if you're not familiar with the work of Esther Perrell. She wrote the book mating in captivity. I'll pull it out later But she talks about something called stable ambiguity and stable ambiguity is where people are in relationship where they think they might Have monogamy or exclusivity, but they don't have certainty more importantly It's ambiguous because they don't know where the relationship is heading and this is the vast majority of people in Relationship today. So today we're going to talk about this Okay, all right. So as I just shared with everyone Stable ambiguity. These are the relationships where there literally is no certainty as to where the relationship is going And I think a lot of people experiences. Have you ever experienced something like that? Of course, you're gonna ask me that. Yes. I have okay talk about it And I got to check something to make sure the computer is working, right or the thing is working, right? So talk about I met this really great guy and I didn't see him that often because they live far and he was very giving and You know, what was is that? He was ex of service was his yeah, love language. So I had moved and he put up my TV and did all these great things for me and then you know, so I sat down and I said what so Let's define our relationship and he says, oh wait a minute, you know, I've been screwed over a lot of times We had to take this really slow And you think about it and like wait, so what does that mean and he says that I am not going to Commit to a relationship until I feel that it's right and You know in the meantime, I'm thinking Okay, so How long is this gonna take and This is not somebody I'm in love with yeah, so what do I do and I I decided to end it so You did what I'm recommending most women do and that is not to chase a Situation ship and a situation ship as I said earlier is the relationship where there's ambiguity where there's some uncertainty There's really no direction on where this relationship is going and I think that's the significant real issues plagued in relationships today or women who are Engaged where let me reframe that men who want companionship. They want connection. They want sex but without any real solid idea of commitment and well, okay, so now this guy he His profile was all bad that he was dating with a purpose. Okay, so I did believe that his purpose was to Eventually say, okay, let's do this. Okay, but you know, I thought when we had that talk I thought it was a good enough time to to talk about that but it was a big turnoff for me because You know, and I decided to go back on dating apps. I didn't see him that often anyway So you approached it from we're not on the same page I'm gonna go and make myself available to the dating marketplace. Okay. Okay a lot of women Don't do that. They hold out remember we talked about like seeing the best picture on a dating profile Or you see the best in the person they and that's what they look Yeah, or not what they look like but also their actions like they are the person who's The person who fixed my TV. Oh, he did a kindness for me or he changed my tire or he did this or he did that I mean dinner for him. So, you know, I was very grateful It was no but I'm saying in the case where a woman might experience a man who does a kindness They hold hope on that one kindness without really having a relationship that is truly building deep intimacy with one another And that gentleman, you know, I would have given him a chance But because he was a good man, but he just I don't know for all I know he was dating other people And I never knew it, but I just decided, you know, he lives too far As nice as he is, you know, it was a very amicable Split but still so in this particular case though He wanted to take it slow you had no uncertain you had no certainty you said I'm gonna cut my loss as a move on Well, it had already been a couple months. Well, yeah, no, no you cut your losses and moved on the real question is a I want to help women avoid getting into those types of dynamics with men where there's uncertainty number one Yeah, so how do we get there because I want everyone to establish either a short-term mating strategy Or a long-term mating strategy Well, my do you understand what I mean by that? Not exactly, but okay, but my situation ship. Okay, I You know, I could have stuck in there and you know, maybe at some point it would have worked out Yeah, I chose that my time was valuable. Okay, and I didn't I just didn't want to wait around for somebody That's gonna decide that now is the good time for him. Well, it wasn't a good time for me No, yeah, because I really I really wanted to find a lifetime partner so so where I'm coming from though is Most men seem to have a short-term mating strategy They meet someone they hope that there's chemistry and they hope something might change their point of view Because they haven't decided they want full commitment Okay, that's what I've observed in the dating marketplace Okay, yeah, he had a short-term mating strategy. He wasn't okay. He was really into me. Yeah He wouldn't have said that to me. Okay, so but he either didn't have a long-term mating strategy or he wasn't that into you. I Think he didn't have a long-term mating strategy because you're worth being into okay. I'm gonna say that for everyone watching I think you're worth it. But with that said though I do believe that there are men without a long-term mating strategy and as a woman your job is to Assertain very quickly. Is he serious about a relationship? Is he serious about commitment versus does he just like me? And he wants to have sex with me, right? And by the way Everybody on the dating app says they want a relationship Yeah, but a relation doesn't mean anything. No, it doesn't mean anything because saying you want a relationship means You know, I want full commitment to get married and the other person was I just want to see you at my beck and call You know, we were watching we were watching Pretty Woman last night and remember He kind of wanted someone at his beck and call and she stood in her power and said no I want the fairy tale now what she's really saying is she wants commitment Yeah, and so when you stand in your power It's not about Chase because a lot of women here. I wrote this down Some women feel like if I just give them more if I just give them more if I just give them more if I just show Him how wonderful of I am if I just show him I'm worth it. He'll want me I think women have a propensity of chasing men under the guise if I give him more he'll want me So in the case of Pretty Woman, yeah, like he goes in he gets her You mean at the end of the movie does he talk her into you know putting her up in a condom? No, I think I think in that particular case. He's like she's like look and we either live together or not And you of course this is a movie but it illustrates an important point She stood in her power and said I will not accept anything less and that's what I'm encouraging my clients My audience to do is to not settle for crumbs because it's really about The difference I was watching a video today that talked about The difference in the most the reason why most marriages fail is we stopped being a we or an us and The person goes back to being a me. Okay, they go instead of being a we we went to back to their meat I didn't relate to that. Okay, you've experienced that before and and I certainly I'd say to some degree. I wasn't in an unhappy place in my life So my selfishness in my marriage was because I was unhappy I wasn't a full me at that time So I couldn't really be a we in the relationship and I think a lot of women choose men who are dysfunctional The ground underneath them isn't very solid and they figure. Oh if I just love him through his dysfunction Fixer up the fixer upper. Yeah, and in that way she chases women or chases a man Because what you need to do instead Okay, you and I've been swatched the other day. The love is blind Okay, okay. I'm owning it. We watch love is blind tomorrow. Tonight's gonna be the bachelor I'm surprised you didn't say because Marie really wanted to watch I didn't say you want to watch it Why we're watching it is actually this is a study in human behavior And why I'd like love is blind is okay The two people are are in a pod. They're in separate pods talking to one another through a like a frosted glass or something like that Yeah, I don't know exactly a partition Okay, why is this important is because they're spending a lot of time Asking each other some serious questions before the romance ever begins in the relationship Well, this is what I teach radical honesty Prequalifying your prospects laying your cards on the table and more importantly what I talk about is the rules of engagement And the rules of engagement is establishing your standards right from the get-go Before you ever get physically intimate with a man What do you think would have happened with the guy if you establish your standards the situation ship? What would have happened if you establish your standard right? I wasn't that into him. Okay So that's why it was easier to just run but what would have what could have happened What do you think if let's say you were into him and you establish your standards right from the get-go What do you think he would have done? I don't know. I think he actually would have pursued you more aggressively when I When we ended it. Yeah, he did, you know, send me a couple text messages here and there I hope you're well and and I just didn't want to engage because You know, I I liked him. He was a good person But my point is if you establish your standards right from the get-go You probably if he wasn't into you he would have moved on and you would have avoided a few months of just kind of uncertainty Some women spent years in relationship and they don't know where is this relationship going? What are we doing this for? I think the importance of the also the also this the thing is that I had I was in the middle of moving and doing stuff. So I was really busy. Yeah, and he offered to put out my tv Offered to do it. You used him And then, you know that I make dinner for him and something so like I was very appreciative of that And I thought that would have catapulted The relationship a little bit further because we spent more time together but he Coming back to though You're doing more thinking it's going to catapult the relationship No, I thought because of of my move and he's he was around me more because I didn't see him that often But suddenly when I moved he's coming over to do all these things for me. Okay. So so Not I mean in this particular case The situation ship is again the ambiguity of where this relationship is going And I think most women these days find themselves in those situations And the remedy to that Is to establish your standards at least listen ladies If you're having regular sex with a guy if you have sex with them you have every right to establish your standards I think most women they they just either they Expect the man to lead or they just hope again if they like if they just give enough The man will change his mind Well, living in a state of limbo is not good. No Now you we've talked about men who are in a really bad place in their life Or they're going through a transition at work or they've got some other red flags going on their life Those men investing them can be very problematic. Right. I agree. Okay. So Why I teach radical honesty and by the way folks There's a link right here to schedule a discovery call with me to see if working with the coach is right for you There's a link below The reason why I teach what I teach is because I know you're reading the comments is because I'm encouraging women To stand in their power not to give your power away. So many of you give your power away by By basically waiting for the man to choose you It's it's just as much your choice. In fact, I'm going to encourage you that you are the leaders You're the emotional leaders of the relationship Okay, in our relationship. I'm the emotional leader No, the purpose of this video is really to to get women to understand that they they have a choice to not put up with nonsense I keep saying that do not put up with nonsense If he really is into you, he will make it known to you Do you have a girlfriend who's a friend of yours? That's like your Tough love person, right? Yes. And did she along the way while you were dating prior to me Make sure you didn't put up with nonsense. Oh, absolutely We all go ahead tell me. No, she's she just she would beat me up I mean, I felt emotionally beat up sometimes but it was you know making sure that I didn't do something Stupid so it was the one person that knew everything going on in my life because I'm very private I don't like people knowing what's happening. So that's why this is actually like Wasn't so sure I wanted to do this. Okay. Well, I'm happy you did this So coming back to your your support person. She was tough love. Yeah, very tough The benefit of that tough love was Was that I didn't put up with nonsense. Ah, you didn't put up with nonsense and not only that, okay I lived in Chicago and lived downtown and The you know, it's not funny, but it is that the people in the same age bracket They've all kind of dated each other So I arrive in Chicago and they're all telling me you don't want that and you don't want that and you don't want that and so it was Yeah, I think the same thing happens in Los Angeles and a lot of big metropolitan areas or even small towns, you know I I feels like this most well, it feels like there's no new crop of people Although that is not the truth. There's always someone new entering the dating marketplace It just seems like the people who struggle in relationship are what's the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results I have to say this it was one that it was during covid And so we met at a park so we could social distance because you know what was going on and so I asked my friend Because she's like i'm gonna go to the store. Oh on the way back, you know Find me so you can meet this guy. Okay, so she finds the guy or finds me And then you know the guy leaves and you know We go upstairs and she says to me He dated so-and-so and i'm gonna tell you what his issue is It's this is this is this and i'm like, you know what? I'm gonna give the guy the benefit of the doubt he was nice and and One phone call later. I realized the guy was exactly what she said he was Do you remember we were talking the other day about Dating apps and dating sites should have like a yelp review. Oh, yeah We were just talking about that now. I I'm kind of for it But i'm against it too because if you have someone who's a real Please forgive my language and that job could write or a lot You know people who have real issues can write some negative things about a person that was unwarranted For a restaurant. Okay, but all right, but here's the thing if I saw 25 men who had gone out with you and reviewed you I'd probably be less likely because wow, she's gone out with 25 50 100 man if you had hundreds of reviews I would think but they would say oh, she's such a nice girl The thing is though What we're really getting at back to your friend who knew about these these men Was we're meeting total strangers these days and it'd be ideally it'd be great if we could go back to a A period of time where you were introduced by people that actually knew one another You know and so while i'm still a proponent of online dating You know because that's how you and I met I still believe that Working your network of friends working your community is as equally as important as putting yourself out on the dating sites But ultimately coming back to situationships and then we're going to take questions a moment ladies I want to encourage this if you want to shift the energy It is not your job to convince someone to like you It's not your job to convince someone to want to be in relationship with you It is your job or my invitation you take this job is that you start with radical honesty That means speaking from the heart about what you truly desire laying your cards on the table And if you're going to have regular sex with a man Establish your standards, which what I call is rules of engagement I did it with you and in addition we did the dating vows and by the way folks um I remember when I did the dating vows with you. Okay, I'm going to read it with everyone, but this is my invitation for you all The date it says here Have you ever heard the saying women are the gatekeepers of sex and men are the gatekeepers of commitment the dating vow Is an agreement between two people to say the following to each other I'm going to say it to you I jonathan agree to explore the process of getting to know you with the intent to declare something serious in the next three to six months And you would say the same thing You don't have to say it happened two weeks later. Okay. Now. Do you want to read the next one? No, okay You can't read it. Okay. I Marie or I jonathan agree to be monogamous sexually while we have regular sex together I agree to act not actively seek to meet and date others while we're in the dating process Including taking down my dating profile. I agree um I agree to speak up if there's something isn't working versus ghosting disappearing or Pulling back and lastly. I agree to invest regular time in this relationship This is what I want to encourage people to do is to have these conversations sooner rather than later You're gonna not a lot a lot of guys are going to be okay with that. Okay, however The right guy If a guy genuinely likes you Yeah, I think if you would use this with some of the men they would have absolutely agreed to it Well, I know I met a lot of nice men. Okay, they would have agreed to it because What this does though is establishes conversations Okay, well, I see I never I never really got to that. Yeah, so anyways again Establish your standards before you become physically intimate with someone. That's my invitation for everyone So you don't find yourself in a situation ship Which is merely just a casual relationship or as I say these days dating is just a long strung out version of friends with benefits All right with that said we're going to take questions now If you're familiar with my format if you have a question Write the word question in the chat box or you can purchase a super sticker super chat All of the monies from the super sticker super chat or super. Thanks goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son Connor asley. That's a picture of him right there That's my son who passed away a few years ago and in his honor I donate to causes like the Hoffman process and insight institute in fact today We made a 250 dollar donation to the Hoffman process based on a very generous donation to the scholarship fund of 150 dollars the other day So anyways, let's take our questions. In fact, we have a super sticker from stacy Question, how do we get men to open up emotionally in a real way? How long do you give him to do so? Especially men that are fearful of being vulnerable. How long do you give how long would you give a man? I don't think there's a timeline I think it's if you If you really want to explore a relationship with him and he feels the same then Then he's gonna have to you know dig deep for me. That's how it was Okay, so my feeling is since women are no longer dependent upon men in the same way it used to be 50 of years ago Relationships are no longer about the financial needs or the the provider protector needs So to me relationships today are all about connecting at an intimate level And either you do it right from the beginning or early on Or it's not worth investing in my mind. I mean In our dynamic it started with with really opening up emotionally being vulnerable being authentic being transparent from literally The first visit that you came to see me so I don't believe in establishing first off, I don't believe in having regular sex without emotional intimacy If you're going to engage in sex then emotional intimacy is it should be as equal to the physical intimacy Well emotional intimacy is what makes sex great Ah, we were talking about that earlier, right? If there's no emotion in it, it's just it's just a sport It's just a jacket. It's orgasming. Well, I mean some people don't even get that benefit but but for For a relationship to really thrive I think it requires emotional intimacy and that starts by coming back to your question you ask how long should you wait Well, really the question is are you going to establish emotional intimacy from the very beginning? In fact, if you're not familiar with the book I highly recommend everyone checking out this book emotional intimacy by robert masters So you can actually know what emotional intimacy is I think a lot of women and men don't know what it Is to actually be vulnerable with another person and maybe reading these books or by the way you can google Or excuse me go to youtube type in emotional intimacy by robert masters There's probably a great video you can watch on it. So that's my recommendation in that case I think a lot of men Are still boys They they didn't have Fathers that showed emotion They so You know, I think it's it's hard for men in our Well, men are taught to stuff their feelings were taught to stuff our emotions. We're actually taught Violence is a sign of masculinity. This is why toxic masculinity is being discussed so much because for us baby boomers and gen Xers Being tough on the football field being rugged, you know, hurting your opponent. That was masculinity And so we weren't taught this and what happens is as men age as men's Testosterone levels begin to drop their estrogen levels increase and all of a sudden we're faced with our emotions Or I was I was married to someone that I had a really difficult time When he would say things to the kids like, you know, real men don't cry And it's like bullshit. He's hurting. Let him cry, you know So your gen our generation taught our children to be more in touch with their emotions But your ex-husband and I's generation we were taught to avoid our emotions Yeah And here's the other thing once you go through a divorce, which roughly 75 percent of singles over 45 years old Have gone through all of a sudden we are faced with having to deal with our emotions. You know what a lot of men do They avoid them Or they start dumping their problems on the next person they meet believing they're healing themselves Bonding through trauma. We've talked about that before Okay. Anyway, I hope that answered your question stacey. Thank you so much. All right. I saw a question from wanda in here She already posted that. Let's see what else we have here. Here's a question from wanda Question no matter how good you are To someone or do for them. You will not be the right person for the wrong one. Does that sound right marie? Absolutely Absolutely, and I've seen it in friends that this a guy is totally wrong from that for them and We you know we we talk about it and it's like who's going to talk to her Well, she's not going to listen because she thinks that she's going to fix this guy And she's you know waste Six seven years Do you think it's about fixing or hoping that if I show him how much I love him He will want me I think it's more the more I do Um, he might see my value. Mm the more I do he might see my value. Yeah So, um, have you ever been in that situation? Kind of okay early it might you know early on I was a kid when I got married So in my significant relationship after my divorce I put this person up on a pedestal And I was exactly that way. I felt like them if I did more She will love me. She will want me more And I realized that it was an imbalance in the relationship when the relationship feels imbalance or more importantly you feel off Um when it feels off It's a misaligned relationship This is why I'm I'm encouraging everyone to start from emotional intimacy very early on Because I think we've been so ingrained that physical intimacy is the is the Indicator of relationship success. No, no That's just why no, but I think that's how we've been conditioned Well, but but now okay remember we were talking about this Knowing what you know now how many things would you have done differently before in your life? You know what? I Fortunately or unfortunately. I got married very young. So I didn't have a lot of experience so then married 25 years to the same person I put up with a lot of things that Person I am today would not put up with it But at the time I didn't know that Didn't know any difference. Yeah, we didn't know any better and this is why I have this channel to teach people to know better All right. Thank you for your question. Wanda Ah, Nicole says Marie looks stunning. Oh, thank you. That's very sweet of her Uh, wait Elena says Marie. I love that you agree to do the lives of Jonathan loving your perspective on the topics Thank you so much. Sherry says definitely on the Yelp reviews. I agree Oh, I agree. I think if you could go on a dating app and see somebody's reviews You you know, you could decide. Okay. He might be good-looking, but he's got one star Next, okay. We were watching that black mirror episode about Yeah, that's over the top. No, but that's kind of a same illustration. It's a black mirror life in general Not just about guys first episode fourth series. It's called nosedive where basically everybody is liking It's like your own social media You it's like your own individual Yelp Everybody has their phone and if you go to the store and you're nice to the cashier They can um, they can kind of like with the uber driver. You can even get zero stars or five stars Well, but that I mean could you imagine if that's what we turn into if we start doing this But your credit score your credit you won't get alone if you're if you're not at least a 4.5 Yeah, you have to be a 4.5. And so anyway All right, let's keep going I love richard gear and pretty woman. That was fun. By the way folks just out of fun We decided to watch pretty woman. I gotta tell you julia roberts and that they had great Chemistry was adorable. Yeah, she was adorable. So but I like coming back to this topic She wouldn't settle for anything less than Full commitment right and he's saying her but you're a prostitute Well, he didn't say there because he saw her value because she stood up for herself what I let me say something one of the things I most appreciate about you is You just you have a you have a way of Not putting up with shit. I don't know how else to say it you you just zude a standard says i'm not going to put up with shit I know but But I but i'm a very nice person You and you still have an agreeable nice personality and you can be like the book Not that i'm suggesting you are when it So the book is called why men love bitches and bit stands for babe in total control of herself Yes, what I appreciate about you most is you're really you you really know how to Um navigate your emotions So anyway, just an observation. I don't know how you teach that I don't know how you teach that I'm glad I learned that along the way You do a great job, but I did, you know, it didn't come easy There were times when I you know, I felt like I was a doormat and I was allowing it to happen And I think when I decided to end that is when I just Got my power back. So I'm going to post something talk about naked divorce naked discovery naked divorce so naked divorce is A program and it's available online or she will do workshops in different places and I decided to go there because I just felt like I needed I needed healing I wasn't good for anybody else when I couldn't even keep it together for myself Because I was in so much emotional pain. So, um Contacted Adele Theron and she She you know, I talked to her well, maybe a half hour I don't remember because she she'll do a clarity call And I told her what my situation was and I wanted to know what the program is something that would Would work for me and she goes. Oh, you're the perfect candidate. And boy, it was awesome So really quickly to give you back story After her significant relationship ended after her divorce her relationship after her divorce She was in a significant relationship and it ended and you felt Lost you felt in pain you felt betrayed you felt all this worry and anxiety And when you I mean is that fair to say it's fair to say because you know I had been married 25 years and I immediately met this person and I thought that this was just going to be That I mean he was it was a great guy. There were there were other issues But when it ended it was very painful. My my father had just passed away I had to deal with my mom with dementia. So I was going through a lot of emotional turmoil and but I needed to get I needed to get health and the naked divorce So I put a link in the chat box and I'll put there's a link in the description Ask for a deltarone mention mention both our names say johnny and marie sent you jonathan and marie sent you I highly recommend checking it out because healing before putting yourself out there pays dividends in ways you can't imagine And now, you know, we we did a zoom call with her and after all these years, you know, you're thinking Okay, I'm gonna have to refresh her memory who I am and she No, marie. I know exactly what she even met the guy she even knew the guy's name So um, but no it was and you go through You really do have to work hard and you really have to dig deep and you're doing You're doing processes and it anyway, it's worth it. It's worth it Okay, here's a personal question for you marie Marie, how is your shoulder? Oh my shoulder Well, I'm going three times a week to this new doctor that's doing some deep tissue therapy on it to I'm trying to avoid surgery And it seems to be working, but thank you for asking. Thank you. Cassandra writes question Does regular sex together really need to be part of the dating vows? Okay, this is someone else asked about that So let me I want to share why I said this so so in the dating vows. I'm just going to read this for everyone it says I agree to be monogamous sexually while we are having regular sex together. So here's my thought for putting that out If you have sex with someone one night and never see them again Do you need monogamy with that person? No, okay Because you're never going to see them again if you're going to have sex the second time And a third time and a fourth time in a fifth time. That's regular sex. That's where the agreement See, I think it's hard to get the agreement of monogamy before Sex, but you better expect it after you have sex and you're going to have regular sex Yeah, okay, so that's the reason why I have that in there. Cassandra Am I wrong to think that it that it's really creepy to be sleeping with different men? No, I don't I just don't men can do that and we can sleep with different women I don't Well, that's why the agreement of exclusivity the agreement to be by the way, let's differentiate Monogamy is the agreement not to have sex with other people Exclusivity is the agreement not to actively date new people. I think some people are monogamous But they're not exclusive. They're still swiping. They're still swiping I think a lot of people might agree to monogamy with one another and yet they're still swiping I'm here to say you need both If you're going to have regular sex together. So Cassandra, thank you so much for that question elder rights question Just started seeing a guy who says he intends to move to france when he sells his house He has dangled the carrot of me going with them. Is he stringing me along? How do I approach this? Oh, what's your gut tell you on that one? My gut tells me That he's dangling the carrot just to keep you engaged Yeah, he says, um He sells his house. Is he so? Here's the thing. He's planning on selling his home. Okay Is this relate? Is this a relationship that comes with them to france like? Remember we were talking about that one couple where the the man says If you want to move to my city do it on your own Do it for yourself folks. Here's the deal If you're going to agree to explore a relationship together that leads to either moving in together getting married Okay, if that's what you're agreeing to exploring And this person says he's moving out of the country Then the question is am I part of that am I a part of that and if I am What does that look like for the two of us again? I'm here to establish if you're gonna have regular sex with the guy Then you better Establish the rules of engagement right from the get-go That's my feeling on that one You think she's being strung along Well, you know, maybe not intentionally. Maybe the guy is just trying to feel it out but if he's already decided to move and You know, are are you part of the equation are you in the in a relationship? If you're not then you have to have that talk with them. So Is are are we in a relationship because then I might I might consider, you know, I always said I could move anywhere It didn't matter to me I would have considered someone but it had to be but even moving out of the country Like that's a big deal when you move that far from family and whatnot These are real deep conversations that should be discussed That's what my feeling is no as long as I could Come back frequently to see my kids and grandkids. I I was willing to move anywhere By the way, by the way, folks If you know that Marie moved here from Chicago and she has two children live in Chicago With her grandchildren and two children live here Part of our agreement was that, you know, creating space where she could go back to Chicago every six to eight weeks To spend time with her grandkids. These were conversations we had before we ever agreed to move in together So in this particular case if he's moving to france on his own women You're not part of that conversation Then it sounds to me You're either in a situation ship or a casual relationship And if you're in a situation or casual relationship and you're having regular sex together You have every right to find out where this relationship is going. All right. That's my two cents Rita asked question I've been doing online dating for a while, but most men seem to be there for fun Although they claim they want a relationship. What are the red and green flags to look for on dating profiles? You know what they're not there I mean People write what they think other people want to hear they they want you To engage with them like, you know, like the my situation ship. Oh, you know, I'm dating with a purpose and that's right and You know, yeah, it may have been a purpose, but not the purpose I was looking for So I think what the red flags to look for is negativity You know, I I would see women's profiles that say I wouldn't want I don't want to be with a cheater a liar A ghost or like every negative thing in the book I would read women post that and I you know to me that was forest gump run forest run If you're leading with negativity, that's the red flag Well, to me a green flag. Yeah, what's a well written profile? Grammatically correct. Grammatically correct. There's a difference between your and your Okay, so that was my thing and and this isn't seeking a compliment, but what in my profile caught your attention Um that basically our profiles really matched each other Yeah, you know, we wanted a deeply connected relation. Yeah, so I use those words But again as Marie just said some men can use those words as a way to Dangle the carrot, but they're not fully committed This is where before you become physically intimate with someone ask deeper questions Be radically honest lay your cards on the table a lot of them don't even know what it is They don't even know what it is. Well for the first night. Yeah for the first 10 years after my divorce I was I wanted companionship. I wanted connection. I wanted sex, but I Didn't even know what deeply connected meant I didn't even know what intimacy meant and I really didn't know what commitment meant because I was suffering the The unraveling of the tapestry of a previous life and a lot of men are clueless. They're winging it I wouldn't like to. No, you wouldn't have liked me. Would I have liked you? Of course All right Cassandra again says commitment Can there be commitment without regular sex for a period of time until both parties are comfortable with it? Absolutely. Yeah, you can be exclusively dating one another and Have some level of commitment remember I always I always encourage everyone to think about it in the form of trust Trust and commitment go hand in hand and trust is Can I count on this person? To care about my feelings as much as my own does this person have my best interest at heart You know today was it today? We were talking about You go to the grocery store You went to a grocery store the other day and while you were there you were thinking What you didn't ask me what I needed or what I wanted. You just thought you went down the aisle and go I know Jonathan likes this. I know he would want that and that's caring about someone else's interest when they're actually You know looking beyond the surface Right, and then I get a text about get them all the stuff Already on the card. It's already in the car. It was so funny. You asked me is there anything you need? And I said this this this and this and you go. I already have it in the card I already have in the car, but I did say one thing you didn't have yet. So anyway Thanks for that question. I appreciate it or D or D Says question when I'm ready because I'm only busy. I'll throw radical honesty to my crush best friend That's not a question, but I will say this Being busy is the number one reason why so many people don't connect with one another Comes back to where you're talking about love is blind What I love about the show Is you're in this incubator Where you're together for 10 days And you're literally having to do all the radical honesty all the laying the cards on the table Really vetting the person at least 10 days 10 days. Yeah, and then when you get engaged You have another week where you're on vacation with them So, you know, they always say you can't really know someone until you live with them or go on a trip with them You don't you don't even get to see what they look like until you're engaged Yeah, until you're engaged So what I like about it it forces the pressure cooker For people to really determine if they're a good fit for one another now. Here's the thing this show's success rate sucks Okay, it sucks You think so? Yeah The success of the couples. Yeah, however our current dating marketplace success rate is even worse than the tv show You know today's a monday night a thousand people go at what a hundred thousand people will go on a first date 99,999 people will never get a second date Yeah, that's where I'm just making up these numbers But my point is When you do it in an incubator, I think you have a greater chance for success You know that question that we got about the gal that you know, they're just dating and they're not having sex Yeah, um, I keep thinking about that because so I was raised to be a virgin till I got married So that was you know, that was You got married at 16, right? I'm just kidding No, oh my god But so like I admire that I admire somebody that The man and the woman to be able to do that to get to know each other without having the sex and the equation That's how it usually went for me in the dating world is that I just I didn't But you didn't marry people that you were dating and you did have sex with as you were an adult Well, it was that was few and far between But if there was somebody that I really liked there was no way that I was going to go down that That path without what of having sex with somebody I really want if I really want like this person I wanted to know more about them. Okay. And and so, you know kudos to you. I forgot Oh, I forgot it was or kudos to you for doing that. There's nothing wrong with that. I think it's great and and Hopefully it'll work out for you. Yeah Okay, cc writes question What is your opinion on date coaches that will take over an online dating profile to get their client's dates? Do you do they really try to vet potential matches? So I'll address this so I do know some matchmakers and um dating coaches that will actually actually do that do all the work for the client Okay, they must charge a lot. Well, so here's the thing. Um I have mixed feelings about that. Let me just be clear first off Their writing style and their communicating style might be different than yours. Um However on some level, you know, we watch the indian matchmaker, which we like that show I like the idea of somebody doing the vetting for you Like I like that because there's this impartial person that may might not have the fear of asking the deeper questions via text messaging via emails I kind of like that idea if you're unable to do it for yourself. Okay, ideally though I what I teach in my private coaching is how you have for how you to become your own matchmaker Okay, it would be weird to me. Yeah, if somebody else contacted me on behalf of somebody That would be weird to me. No, I don't think they're telling that. I don't think they're telling the dating apps do not That's not no, I think they're doing it on behalf You don't know that it's you think you're actually talking to the person when somebody else is doing the The initial conversation Well, then I feel like I'm being due. Well, you that's if they're they tell you then I then I don't know if they have Good grammar Good point very good point. Okay. I like that one. You don't know if they actually have good grammar um Xi says nose dive is where the world is headed see documentary on pbs in china for this concept What Xi Xi Xi zed up is talking about is that is that? Netflix episode on black mirror called nose dive. Okay, let's keep going here Julie writes question I'm dating someone close to 40s like myself. He has never been married But has so many close female friends sometimes he shares with things shares with Things with them. He doesn't share with me. Shall I tolerate it? Well, how close are you? Like well, I'm assuming they're dating so I okay So I know of a male friend of mine who didn't get married till he was mid 40s, okay He ended up having kids in his late 40s. Okay um During his experiences he didn't commit to anyone, but he did accumulate female friends Yeah, kind of like you and bill a really good friend Who she can he could share stuff with I think the reason why that happens is they feel a level of trust with that person Versus a level of trust with you So I would say it's time to build like my best friend. We've been friends for 45 years And he's a male. Yeah, he's a guy and you know, my My first husband it took him a while to warm up to that but So but the point is you could tell him things you wouldn't tell someone you're just dating Right. Okay. I think it goes both ways. I think it's because until real deep trust is built that and just remember That person is a confidant to them. It doesn't make that a bad thing. In fact, I'm encouraging men and women to have Opposite sex friends, you know, I think that's a healthy thing to happen The problem is if you want to have sex with that person, I'm assuming you don't want to have sex with him And and and Marie knows I'm still very friendly to my ex-girlfriend who we actually will be seeing next weekend We stay at her house. Okay, but she's a dear friend. I don't have very many deep intimate conversations with her But because we've established our trust between the two of us. I think that's a healthy thing Versus an unhealthy, but if you did have a question that she could answer for you, you would call her About us. Well, maybe not about us. No, I might call her about that. I don't know. Maybe okay. Would you ask bill about me? Um, I have yeah, so this is where here's the thing when two people establish trust with one another Then you're not fearful that they have a friend of the opposite sex Okay, all right. Let's take one more question before we wrap up for today. Maybe one or two more question Which book would you say is the most important to read together with budding relationship and partner if you had to pick one to start with? Absolutely. Okay. What is it eight dates eight days right here folks Eight dates by doctors john and julie gotman. It goes without saying this is the most amazing book I think to it's a great conversation started to talk about the more important things in a relationship This lays it out for you. You don't have to think it does all the thinking for you Oh, by the way, and the next book you get is what the heck of self love anyway a journey of personal development self open spiritual work All the books I recommend is in the description below Including my book. All right. Great question there Uh, bum bum bum bum. Cheryl writes question Is it possible to have search so long for someone who wants a real relationship that when you find that you Underemphasize other wait under Emphasize other perhaps more superficial things like attractiveness I think what she's saying is Okay, what i'm thinking is if you've been You feel like you're so worn out because you've been in the dating process that you might Overlook things that you might have been more superficial about before Like within within the realms of looks So the what's the question? Well, I think the question is, you know Would you accept the the photo shot the non-photoshop version of a person? Ah, that's what I think she's saying You know, I think it depends from person to person there. I mean I've met some wonderful people that weren't that weren't my ideal looking type of person And yet I would have I gave them a chance because they were nice people and I thought okay, let's see And did it you later? Okay, but the point is will you find them more attractive as you get to know their heart? Oh, I think so. Yeah. Yeah, I think so. Okay. Great question there. Cheryl Lindy writes question Man's profile says looking for long term went on eight dates, but he is still hung up on x Profile doesn't necessarily give the full picture. Would you agree? Well, he wants that relationship but what he wants is the person that's going to help him heal from the x's from the x and Well, I don't think he consciously thinks I'm going to date this person So I can do all my healing with you So I can go be a bright shiny penny with the someone else again Most men who aren't serious about commitment. They want companionship. They want connection. They want sex But are they an emotional grown up to be in relationship? Again, that's what I teach in my private coaching You know, or are they healed because if he's hung up on his x You know, he went on the dating app saying he wants a long term because he had been in a long term and he likes that being in being a unit and all that but If he's still hung up on the x, you know, you're just You're gonna be swimming against the current. Sorry I thought you were a little stung still hung up on your x Well, just because I talked about my life doesn't mean that it was hung up Well, I was just a question, you know, I mean I I had to but my point is part Maybe it's a blessing and a curse that I do this for a living Okay, but I was like, I wonder if she still is hung up But what you were doing is giving me intel information And that for a moment there, I thought maybe you are maybe you're not what I realized Again through deeper conversations through laying our cards on the table I realized she had healed from her past Because I wasn't afraid to ask you those questions. Yeah, and those I mean what happened In my life, I felt like I needed I needed to put it out there. Not everybody is like that. Not everybody talks about Excuse me. Not everyone talks about past relationships, but I only had two So it was you know, I wanted to put him out there. Look, this is What happened for the first for the first couple years after my significant relationship after my divorce The my relationship with you know, who share he is It took me a couple years to really get over that one. I was still hung up on her You know, it took me a while. I'd say it took two good years To really heal from a relationship where I'd given my power away that I was dependent. I was needy Anyway, all right. Thank you for your question Cc said thank you for answering her question. We appreciate that Robin says Jonathan, can you do a video on the opposite issue? Like when you feel the man is moving too fast So Well, I've done videos on that it's about love bombers So I've done several videos about people that move too fast are usually the love bombers They're the ones that exaggerate the relationship. They're often driven by lust and limerence So yes, I have done those videos. Just go to my channel to go find it Uh, let's see. Let's keep doing here Uh question Player man possibly to change or they just die alone who Player, so if I okay, is he someone who can change or will he die alone? Here's my question to you prima Do you why do you care? Why do you care? Why do you care about someone else self love is again when we focus on the I'm going to answer the question I'm going to give you a chance to answer but my point is Ladies, I want to encourage you. Why would you care if he changes now? The question is are you in a relationship with a player? I would say that's not a good move That's not a good strategy on your part to be in relationship with a player But who cares what a player does what matters most is what do you do? Do you have any thoughts on that? Well, again, if you're waiting for the player to want to settle down And you you might be waiting your whole life because I Okay my friend He's a player He's a player now that he's gotten older and And has some significant well He's going for the younger girls He's never been married and I He's had some, you know long-term relationships, but he's never been married No, and it's because he doesn't well I mean he's got and we know some of his issues and whatnot, which I don't want to share publicly, but the point is a player Can change okay. I was a serial data for a period of time. I was never a player I was a serial data But it wasn't until I had a humbling event and I did a lot of inner work Before I could grow out of being a serial data to someone who I think I am today So for a player to change he needs a humbling event or a significant amount of inner work Or he most likely may not like you said die alone or have very few people in his gotta come from him You can't do a single thing about it Stay away. Okay. LA says read what she says Love when Marie is giving her opinions. Oh, thank you for that Uh, let's see if there's any other questions. I'm no expert. I don't pretend to be an expert But I could give my opinions on my life experience. Well, you know, it's interesting a lot of oh, I'm sorry No, I was done So a lot of people think I interrupt you It's just I know when you're done and I I want to keep the flow going And it's because of what you just said you don't this isn't what you do for a living now We talk all day long about my business and the clientele and the Experience not my clientele, but the comments I get and we talk about those things and Marie I got to say has some great perspective. I mean you have some really great insight You make me you help me think through things. Well, I'll tell you I'm having a lot of fun doing this But I like to to you know put out the disclaimer that I'm no expert I'm just giving you what my life experience is But I really love When we get messages of people that really feel like something that I had to say like little me had something to say That really helped them. So if if it helps just one person, I'm happy. Yeah Well, you've helped a lot. So all right. Here's a question from Pamela I'd like to know the definition of a player. I think I think a serial data is a player So I said I was a serial data. What what I meant by that was I was addicted to the initial first date high I was really for my this was right after my I know well, this was right after my divorce. I was lonely I wanted some attention. I wanted some connection and I was just going out on a lot of first dates Because I wasn't ready for I didn't realize I wasn't ready for a significant relationship But I didn't want to like lead someone on either. So I just I was addicted to that first second third date That's a serial data. I think there's a serial monogamous These are people that have relationships for a period of time And those end and then they're on to the next one the next one the next one A player is somebody that's working five or six women at the same time for sex and for his own benefit whereas I was I didn't realize I was addicted to the high But then I was afraid to do anything after that and I'd be back on the dating sites And I'd give that what's called the dysfunctional moonwalk how I ended everything was I would share how dysfunctional my life was So they'd say jonathan you need some time and then I'd be back on the dating apps again So I hope that answers your question. Pamela, you know, but some some guys are just Players they're just players or at the bars or at the they it's just they have a calendar Of well, I'm a through saturday girls. Okay. So yeah, we talked about that before so a serial I was I was so lonely and desperate for attention. That's why I was a serial data A player is actively only out for their own needs in a different way I didn't know I had this problem I think a player is aware that they're playing that they're just playing. Yeah, so that's my opinion on that Uh and prema says a player sleeps with many different women a serial data can just be a picky man I probably is what I was going through. Yeah, you know what? Uh, and this will be our last comment that we're going to share marie as marie's opinion is really insightful. I agree. Thank you Okay Okay, this will be our last one. Why are older guys looking for younger women mostly pure biology? So Yes, it's biology. They're I mean it was like watching pretty woman, you know, I mean richard gear is 17 years older than uh Julia roberton Okay, all right But I think to some degree a lot of men as they age feel like I'm not saying this is true Women are damaged. They're jaded. They're bitter. They're angry. They come with more baggage And I think men think they'll go the path of least resistance But believe me I have some friends who are with much younger women and those women are a big gigantic pain in the butt those younger women I'll agree to that one So just because they may will and first off just because a man may want it doesn't mean he'll actually get it I think just like women don't want to date older men As they get into their 50s and 60s because you don't want to become a nurse or a purse I think age discrimination is a real issue that we're faced with Um, well, I'll I'll make a confession when I was on the dating apps I I wanted somebody that was Either my age or a little bit younger And the reason was all the men that were my age Look like they been put through the ringer Like I I just wanted somebody that was More attractive. So are you a cougar being with me? Of course, we have to talk about the fact that I am one year older than okay And I only bring it up because everybody says I'm with a much younger woman because you look 20 years younger than me So that's why I bring it up. That's the colombiana. Okay Well, I agree All right, we're gonna end on this last note patricia says great podcast. Hello, marie Hello patricia Folks, we're gonna wrap up today. Did you find value in this conversation? I hope you did if you did please hit that like button Please share this video Please subscribe to my channel and if you want some support check out the links below to a free discovery call with me To see if working with a coach is right for you my membership. There's a link to the naked divorce There's a link to joining our group here. There's even a link to joining my instagram And you can follow me there as well All right, I'm gonna wrap up this video as I always do first. I'm giving you a big gigantic jonathan bearer hug Did I get one back? Thank you, sweetheart I think I appreciate you. Thanks everyone. I hope you found value tonight. Have a great evening. Be well. Bye now Oh, I'm gonna say good night to patricia and cc and prima and jennifer and mel and negative affirmations and zeta and lindy And I said prima la rachel andrea julie Robin cc lindy everyone's charo. Thank you so much. Have a fab evening. Bye now. Thank you. Good night. Good night now