 I'd like to introduce our last speaker of the 21 Convention, DJ Fuji. He is a dear friend of mine. He was one of my very first wings back in San Diego, I don't know, six, seven years ago. We used to run around and get blown out together and have a lot of fun. So I've known this guy forever. He's an amazing speaker, amazing coach, four-time returning speaker to the 21 Convention. He's been featured in the 21 Convention documentary. He's been on VH1 on Dr. Phil, New York Times. He's the founder of the Tau of DJ Fuji, and you can find more about him on his site at tauofdjfujie.com. So help me welcome DJ Fuji. Austin, what's up? Outstanding, I'd like you all to join me on your feet and join me in a round of applause to your host, Robbie Kramer, to your architects, Anthony Johnson, and to your staff. Thank you. Take your seats. Gentlemen, my name is DJ Fuji. You know I'm here for one reason and one reason only, and that is to give you the tools, the tactics, and the mindsets to achieve more success in your dating life, in your social life, in your personal life, in your career, and in your life as a whole. And I know that's not an easy thing to do, and we're going to do that by applying a few simple principles, but we have to implement, we have to take action. I'm going to give you guys a few things that I want you guys to focus on, and I want you guys to pay attention. So the first thing we're going to do is I actually want you guys to do something different than we normally do. I want you guys to take your notes and I want you to put it down, and I want you to take your laptops and I want you to close them, because all the notes that you guys need, I already have on the website, because I want you guys to actually listen. I want you to focus. Most people, when they listen or when they hear, what they're actually doing is thinking of how they can relate to it, or thinking of what the next thing for them to say is, or they're making movies in their mind. Most people aren't actually listening. Most people aren't observing, which is why any study or any, whenever they look at any kind of learning, what they find is that the most ineffective way to learn is what? Lecture. It's always, always, always the most ineffective way to learn, because most people aren't really listening. So gentlemen, today I want you to actually listen. Let's get started. All right. First things first. I want everyone to sit up straight. Get your eyes on me. The training starts now. I want you guys to realize that your posture and your body language indicate your level of confidence. And maybe some of you aren't necessarily self-confident right now, but I want you to act as if, because the more you act as if you're confident, the more you will be confident. Second thing is, when you go to that link later on, you're going to have to enter in a special code, because there's going to be a special bonus for all of you guys. That special code is going to be embedded in this speech somewhere, so pay attention and you'll find that. The first thing everyone wants to know is who am I? And I say more importantly than that, it's not who am I, but who was I? Everyone here knows who I am right now, but very few people know who was I. Where did I come from? Now, I know it's very common for speakers to go backwards and to go and say, you know, I wasn't always this guy. A lot of times before I was this guy. Well, I wish I had the pictures to show you what that guy looked like, but I was a smart that guy and I deleted all of them so there was no evidence. But what that guy, and I'll give you guys a general idea, that guy was bad with women. That guy lacked confidence. That guy didn't know how to make friends. That guy didn't have any friends. That guy lived a life permeated by a single emotion and that was loneliness. And we can all say, okay, so I was lonely too in fifth grade and sixth grade, but I was lonely at 19 and 20. At 20 years old, I had never held a girl's hand and I was in the Marine Corps at that point and I had never held a girl's hand. At 23, I started learning to meet women with Robbie and at one point I had reached over 300 consecutive rejections. When Robbie says we used to get blown up together, that's no under estimation. 300 consecutive and that was just the consecutive part. That wasn't the, I got one hook set and then the rest of it's good. And I spent a very long time, almost four years of continuous practice to overcome that obstacle and I then dedicated the next four years of my life up to this point giving back because if there's one thing that this industry and this idea of getting help with dating or this idea of self-improvement, if there's one thing that taught me, it was that whenever you feel like there's no light at the end of the tunnel and you keep pushing, it's usually around that next corner. It's usually at that next bend and that's what I found. I found hope in this industry. I found hope that there was something I could do about this because every other avenue, every other advisor, every other person in my life said, hey, you either have it or you don't. And I knew what that meant. It meant that I didn't have it. I didn't have it, so just accept your circumstances. Accept where you're at and accept it and move on and try to do something else. Get good grades, go play sports, go do something else because you didn't have it. And so when I found this and when I used this to change my life, I then realized my calling was to give back and to do exactly the same thing for other people that were in my situation. I look out at the audience there and I see a lot of guys at all different skill levels and all different points in their developments. And at each point, I remember exactly what that was like. I remember where you are right now because it wasn't that long ago that I was there. It seems long chronologically, but I look back and it seems like yesterday. Every one of those sticking points seems so familiar to me because I wake up, gentlemen, every single day. And I wake up and I look in the mirror and I think my lucky stars that all this is possible. I appreciate every day of my life. It's like waking up one day and realizing you don't have cancer. I appreciate everything because I worked so hard for it and because it was so bad before all this. So no matter where you're at, no matter where you are in your skill level, I want you to understand that no matter how bad it seems, it always has the potential to get better. There's always that light at the end of the tunnel, whether you see that or not. And a little bit about that is what we're going to talk about. So a lot of people talk about success. A lot of people talk about success as a generic concept. Well, I want to define success, especially within the confines of dating and getting better and succeeding at dating. And a lot of people have very unrealistic ideas of success in dating. And a lot of people have very vague ideas. And that's why it's so hard to accomplish that. And I'll give you my personal idea of success when dating in my social life. Success in dating means never having to worry about being alone. That is the first and foremost. And you can say, oh, well, I'm not alone, so it's OK. I may be in many relationships, so it's OK. But the moment that relationship ends, what do we all feel? Oh, god, we feel despair. We feel sadness. We feel loneliness. We feel despair. Why? Because somewhere in the back of all of our heads, there's that voice that says, maybe you can't get something else. Maybe you can't replicate this. Maybe this is a fluke. And some of my most confident friends confided that was the exact same thing. Success in this means never having to worry about that. It means no matter where your skill of was, it means never having to worry that that's ever going to happen again, that you ever have to feel that again. Success means being attractive without trying to be attractive. A lot of people are trying to do attraction when attraction is something that you are. Success is when you are attractive. Success is when women are attracted to you not because you're running a line, but because you exist and because you know you're attractive and you have the requisite skills to pull that off. That's success to me. Success means knowing that you can choose who you want to date, not who your friend wants to date, not who the guy on TV wants to date, who you want to date. And you can choose and you have options with who you want to date. Success means having friends, male and female, having a healthy social circle. There's so many guys I know out there that are really, really good at meeting women and have no friends. And it's really sad because you don't expect it. You don't expect that for a second. You think, oh well, he's obviously good meeting people. He has great social skills. He must have a lot of friends. And then you realize those two are not the same thing. And a lot of those guys are lonely. Even surrounded with women, they're lonely because they are not successful across the board. Success means social mastery. It means not just being able to approach women, not even just being able to have friends. It means across the entire spectrum of social skills. It means that you're confident with it. It means that you're skilled with it. OK, maybe you can approach a woman. Maybe you can have friends. Maybe you can throw a party. But if I throw you into networking events, can you go and network with people? Can you go and make connections with people? Can you go to a foreign environment where you don't know anybody and be able to operate successfully? That, to me, is success. Ultimately, success means being happy. It means being well-rounded. Not just good at one thing. Not just I'm an expert here or I'm an expert there. It means being well-rounded. It means being secure. It means living a fulfilling, successful life on your terms. Nobody else's. Does that make sense? Good, let's move on. Here's the side part. Here's the sobering, sobering side part. In that idea of success, and that's only my definition of success, all of us have our idea of what success is. And most of us have a pretty lofty goal of success. That's why we're here. That's why you're watching this video. Here's a sobering fact. 95% of people that have this idea of success will never achieve it. 95%. That means out of 100 people, 95 of them will never achieve it. Really, that's no different than anything else. Go to the gym. How many people go to the gym and achieve their goals in the gym? How many people achieve their goals in sports? How many people achieve their goals in career or in money? Very few people. It's not that there's something flawed about this industry or flawed about this specific goal or this specific task. It's that most people, in general, don't achieve their goals. And the principles we're gonna discuss are gonna go way far beyond just achieving your goals and dating. They're gonna be about achieving your goals in general because most people don't do it. Most people don't have what it takes and most people don't know what to do to actually achieve their goals. That's why you have that 95%. And in something like what we're trying to do, the main question is knowing that there's this 95% and that there's this small little 5%. The main question that I want you guys to ask throughout this next hour or so is which group am I in? Am I in that 95% or am I in that 5% that is successful? Because that 5% is really lonely. There's only a couple people there. It's always lonely at the top. It's always lonely when you achieve things because you drop everyone else out. It's a pyramid and that top of the pyramid is always lonely. So do you have what it takes to be in that top 5% or are you in that 95% that never achieves it? That's the question you always have to ask yourself because if you look around and you are not absolutely convinced that everybody around you isn't working as hard as you are. If you are not absolutely convinced of that fact then guess what group you're in? You're in that 95%. All of us want to delude ourselves into thinking whether we are or we aren't. We all want to believe we're in that 5% and psychology is all over the idea of us thinking that we're more competent than we really are. But when you look at the numbers most people are not in that excellence. Everyone cannot be the best. That's just how it works. Most people will be average. When you ask people are you a good, and this is not Asian people, but in general are you a good driver? Most people say yes. Most people even will say I am an above average driver. You can't have everybody who's above average. It doesn't compute. So you have to understand most people will be in those averages. And you have to ask yourself every day am I satisfied with average? And if I'm not what am I doing to get myself out of average? What am I doing to be in that excellence period? In that 5%. What am I doing that's greater and more successful than all the other 95% of people doing the same thing? That's what we're gonna talk about. To put this into perspective that 95% and 5% you have a better shot statistically at getting into the Navy SEALs. You have a better shot of getting accepted to Harvard. You have a better shot of growing an extra rib than being in that 5%. That's what you're really up against gentlemen. So unless anyone here was a Navy SEAL or went to Harvard or both or has an extra rib now you know what those statistics are about. Now you know why so many people aren't wealthy aren't successful, aren't at the top of their game. I always see that 99% stuff on TV. Oh we're the 99%, I don't like it, it's unfair. It's not unfair, that's how the world works. It works exactly like that. You know why I'm not in the 1% because I haven't put forth the effort to be in the 1% because I know people that are in the 1% and they work 10 times harder than me and 10 times more efficiently with 10 times the tools that I have. They're in that 1% because they deserve to be in that 1% and the vast majority of people in that 1% or the 5% are there because they deserve to be there. So again the big decision is do you deserve to be there? You look at your action, you look at the things that you're doing, do you deserve to be in that group? All right let's move on. All right so I'm gonna discuss seven secrets to success and you guys will have a lot and you'll go to tie this into dating a lot but you also go to tie this into every other aspect of your life. This is fundamentals 2.0. The seven secrets to success. We'll start with the first one. The first secret is the goals to effort ratio. The goals to effort ratio works like this. You set aside your goals. What are your goals? Now what are the difficulty of your goals? If you had to put that on a one to 10 difficulty scale from where you are now to what kind of difficulty is it gonna take to achieve your goals? What would that number be? On a one to 10 scale. 10 being absolutely very very difficult and one being is a piece of cake. So evaluate okay what are your goals and how difficult is that going to be? How difficult is that gonna be to actually achieve that? Now you take the second number and the second number is what is the effort you're putting forth on a one to 10 scale compared to everyone else and according to what you determine is your effort. With 10 being that is the max. I'm doing everything in my power and one being I'm not really doing anything. You take those two numbers. The difficulty and then you take the effort and then you compare those two numbers. Here's the really tricky thing about this. If the difficulty is at all around the effort or worse above the effort, you will not achieve your goals. That's the bottom line. You will not achieve your goals. Not that one right there. Until something changes, if your difficulty outweighs the effort you're putting in you better hope to win the lottery because otherwise you won't achieve your goals and this can be applied with everything. It can be applied with dating. It can be applied to career. It can be applied to health. No matter what's going on your effort must exceed the difficulty in that scale. If it doesn't do that you will fail. It's a very, very simple equation. And so anything that you're wondering why am I not good? Why am I not successful? Why am I not the best? Why have I not achieved this? If you put that scale to the test it becomes extremely clear why you're not doing that. That's called the goals to effort ratio. When it comes to dating most people have their goals sky high and most people have their effort down here. Most people don't realize the difficulty of what you're trying to do. Most guys in this industry and myself included most guys in this industry started out and we're trying to take 20 to 30 years of social experience and we're trying to cram it into two years. Now let me tell you, what happens when you do that to anything else? What happens if I said, hey, I'm five foot four Asian, never played basketball before but I want to be in the NBA two years from now? What kind of effort is that going to require? Can I do that by just take some shots here and there? I'll go out and play a couple of pickup games. Maybe I'll join the local gym. Am I ever going to get close? Even if I was tall, would I ever come close to being in the NBA? Would I ever come close even to being in a high school team? Not a chance. Because I'm competing with guys that are putting in 20, 30 years sometimes of experience and I'm trying to cram two years of experience with mediocre effort trying to make that happen. That doesn't work in basketball. That doesn't work in finance. That doesn't work in dating. That doesn't work in anything unless you are extremely, extremely lucky. Most people don't want to realize they don't want to appreciate the difficulty in what you're trying to do here especially with regard to dating. You're trying to massively condense everything into a two-year period. What do you think everyone else is doing? Everyone else is taking the next 10, 20, 30 years and doing the same thing. You're trying to cheat the system and you can do it but you can't slack off. If you slack off, there is no chance in hell that this is ever going to happen. You have to make sure that your efforts are far exceeding the difficulty in that ratio. If it doesn't happen, you're not successful. Make sense? Second thing, second secret. You must be willing to fail a lot. And I know a lot of people say, oh, no, I've heard that. Yeah, I get that. You know, Edison, he failed a thousand times, blah, blah, blah. But how many things have you failed at thousands of times? Thousands and thousands of times and you didn't quit. Most of us don't do that. The vast majority of us, myself included, when we fail at things a thousand times, when we fail at things over and over and over again, we don't even really make that high. We quit way, way before. And that's why most people won't ever achieve that excellence. That's why most people aren't successful because at the slightest moment where, oh, it's getting a little bit too hard, at the slightest moment where it's a little bit too difficult now, I'll just stop doing it. If you wanna be in that 5%, if you wanna be in that group of people that is at the top, at that apex of that pyramid, you have to be willing to fail thousands and thousands of times. There's a famous quote that says, success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm. That's Winston Churchill. That's what everything on this is about. How many failed shots do you think an NBA player has taken? In the entire time, he's played basketball. We're talking thousands, maybe tens of thousands. How many failed reps does a bodybuilder do before he goes pro? How many times do you fall before you learn to walk? When you're a baby or maybe when you're rehabilitating? Failure, gentlemen, is not an option. Failure is a necessity. Failure is something that you have to look forward to in a way. You have to see failure and realize that without failure, there is no success. And if you're one of the few lucky people that achieve success without failure, guess what? You don't care. You don't care, you don't appreciate it because you never had to work for it. There's no investment. You never had to work for it and so you don't even notice it. Anything that comes too easy, you don't even care about. You don't notice. But for the rest of us, the things that we wanna do, they're difficult and we have to be comfortable with this idea of failure. If you aren't willing to fail a thousand times before you experience success, then you aren't willing to succeed. Sun Tzu in the Art of War said that victory is reserved for those willing to pay its price. And the unfortunate fact is that most people aren't willing to pay its price. Again, the five, the 95. The five, the 95. You must have faith in that process and you must respect the journey that you're on. Most of us have worthy goals. Most of us have large goals. What that means is that those are difficult goals and you have to respect the difficulty in that journey. It's difficult, gentlemen, for a reason. It's difficult because that's what makes it worth it. Because if it wasn't difficult, you wouldn't be on it. If it wasn't difficult, you would already be good at it. If it wasn't difficult, everyone would be good at it and it wouldn't mean anything. The only reason it means something is because it's hard and because most people can't do it. So again, coming back to that same question. Do you have what it takes? Are you in that five or are you in that 95? Secret number three, you must have direction. You must know where you're going. So many people will get out there and they'll get in the car and they'll drive in a direction hoping to somehow reach their destination. Only they don't know what direction they're driving. They don't know if they're driving towards their destination or away from the destination or laterally to the destination. Now, I don't have to tell you guys that if you're doing that, you get in the car and you drive a random direction, your odds aren't very good that you're actually gonna reach that destination in any kind of reasonable time. You have to know your direction and more importantly than just knowing the map, you have to have the routes. You have to have the GPS navigation that tells you how to get there. Because if you don't have that, you'll run around in circles and we see that in dating. We see that in finance. We see that in exercise. We see that pretty much across the board. People without direction don't go anywhere. They drive around in circles. And then eventually, eventually when you drive around in circles, what happens? You get discouraged and you quit. I didn't wanna go to that party anyway. I didn't wanna go to Vegas anyway to screw it. It's been way too long. You get discouraged and you quit. That's how the world works. That's how people work. So if you don't wanna be in that group, if you don't wanna get discouraged and quit, then you need to have a roadmap. You need to figure out what is my next step, just like the GPS navigation. What's my next thing to do and how do I do it? And most people don't have any idea what that is. Most people have the map as a whole sometimes, but they don't have that navigation. I'm gonna do a quick drill. I need a volunteer. Someone, say, medium to, beginner to intermediate skill level, dating-wise. They're in the back. Can you go ahead and come up? Sit them around. What's up, man? How are you? What's your name? Brandon. Brandon, okay. What would you say your skill level is, Brandon? Novice to intermediate. Okay, good. All right, now what would you say your sticking points are? Do you understand? Carrying on the conversation. I can, once I get over the initial approach, anxiety, it's pretty easy for me to keep, just push myself, especially if I'm on the wing. But it's really taking it to the next step. I can get them laughing, talking, but then it's like, where do I go from there? Okay, gotcha, gotcha. Are you approaching a nighttime, right? Usually, yes. Okay, all right. Okay, let's do a quick drill. Do you mind? No. Okay, so I'm a girl. I just want you to approach me like it's a nighttime environment, okay? Okay. Hey, I noticed something interesting about you. I really like your jacket. Where'd you get it? Macy's. Macy's? What do you like about Macy's? Why not Nordstrom's? Macy's is closer. Closer? Yeah. Okay, where are you from? LA. LA? South LA. Okay, I went out to Anaheim once for a trip, but didn't spend too much time in LA. You go to the beaches a lot? Not really, sometimes. See, I don't, this is where I get stuck when they just kind of give me the run of my hands. Okay, okay, give them a round, give them a round. Okay, thank you, appreciate it. Okay. All right, so what I wanted to show you and what I'm gonna do is basically break down your sticking points on this, okay? The reason I asked you what your sticking points are initially is because most people guess at their sticking points. Or they base it off of what are my symptoms? It's like if you went to the doctor and you said, hey, I think there's something wrong with me. And the doctor says, well, you have cancer. And you're like, no, no, I have a cough. Like I have a cough, my throat hurts. It's like, no, no, you have cancer. You have to get ready. No, no, my throat hurts, though. Okay, the people are looking at the symptoms and they're not looking at the underlying issue. They're not looking at what's causing the symptoms. Okay, so the gentleman up here, in that specific scenario, your interaction, the when you approach, your sticking point isn't where to go after your approach. The sticking point is the approach itself. It's the approach and it's the underlying conversation skills. So you said that, oh, I can get her to laugh, and then I don't know where to take it after she's laughing and we're engaged. The problem, though, isn't at that point because the majority of the time, you're not getting to that point unless the girl is really, really open to you. What's actually happening, the actual sticking point there is you're not able, on the conversation side, on the social skill level side, the main sticking point there is the conversation itself. It's not just not knowing where to take it. It's not knowing how to establish a conversation with a random stranger. And you can probably do that with your friends. And most people can do that with their friends. But being able to approach a random stranger and start and continue and keep a conversation going and then push it to the next step, that's a completely separate skill level. So it's not taking it further. It's actually starting the conversation solid to begin with. And the danger in this is that if you went through, say, the next six months, the next 12 months, and you focused on where do I take it next, you're gonna start reading about escalation, you're gonna start reading about qualification, you're gonna start reading about showing interest when the problem really is all about establishing the conversation from the start. And the more you focused on the symptoms, the more you're gonna get away from the problem. And when that problem doesn't get fixed, it festers and it gets worse and you develop bad habits. That is exactly what, gentlemen, why we need a roadmap. That's why we need to know exactly, step by step, on what to do next. Again, this is an example of dating. But if you wanted to be wealthy and I said, well, what are your sticking points? What's preventing you from being wealthy? And you say, well, I haven't hit my first million yet. And I would say, well, have you hit your first 50,000? Well, no, but I haven't met my first million. So I'm focusing on making my first million. Again, same exact thing. Figure out where the core of that issue lies. Figure out what the next step is to get better because going way far out into the distance and trying to fix those symptoms oftentimes results in you running around in circles just like on that map. Just like when you're driving around in circles and you never achieve your destination. All right, number four, misinformation. Specifically, don't be led or misled by misinformation. So I'm gonna give you guys a quick drill here. I'm gonna throw out a bunch of, say, standard things in the community and I want you guys to tell me which ones are correct and which ones you think are incorrect. By show of hands, I want you to raise your hand every time you hear something that seems correct. The first one, you can attract women through DHB stories because they raise your value. Second one, when you go out to meet women, the most important thing is to go out and have fun. Ask for her email first and then tell her to write her number down too. I guess you guys don't like that one. Always be congruent. Qualification means finding out if she meets your standards. So sum up, sum down. Here's a scary part of misinformation. Misinformation is such, by definition, it's misinformation. You don't know that it's misinformation because if you did, it wouldn't be an issue. The scary part about that is that every single one of those things is false. Only you didn't know which one was false and which one was real. So if you continue to make your decisions based on this is true and this is false, then you can see where this is going. The further you go down the line, making core decisions that are incorrect, basing it off of assumptions that are incorrect, the more you do that, the more ineffective down the line you become. Your core assumptions, your core presuppositions, the thing that defines everything, the baseline right there is going to have a ripple effect on every decision you make after that. So your core assumptions better be correct. If my core assumption getting into this is Asian guys that are five foot four cannot get good at this, what would happen? I never would have gotten good at this because everything else would have tried to fall in line with that core assumption. That core assumption would have prevented anything from actually happening. Those core assumptions are things that you have to always be questioning and you have to make sure that they're correct because if they aren't, we get exactly what we just got here. We get a lot of assumptions that are wrong that are going to continue to haunt your progress, your development throughout the rest of the time you do this or that you do anything. That's misinformation. Don't be led by misinformation. Now brass tacks, how do we fix that then? The first thing is question all of your assumptions about anything. When I took classes on business, when I took classes on how to start a business, on how to create, on how to get one running, the first thing a lot of those classes did is they question all of your assumptions about business. How do you feel about business? How do you feel about how it runs? How do you feel about risk? Most people think that starting a business, inherently we've been trained that starting a business is more risky than working a regular job. That's an assumption a lot of people make. It's assumption that I made. It's an assumption that's taught to pretty much everybody. But it's an assumption that in a lot of ways is not correct. And if you continue to create that assumption and to strengthen that in your mind, you're not gonna create your own business. You're not gonna do the things that you wanna do because you're gonna have this misinformation and that misinformation is going to lead you astray. So you have to keep that in mind. Step five, be uncomfortable. This is one of the key, key things. You must be uncomfortable. The thing is that when you're in field, when you're doing whatever, you're building your business, you're going to school, you're doing whatever, whenever you come across a fork in the road, whenever you come across a decision point, do I take decision A or do I take decision B? Whenever you come across those points, there's always one that's more difficult. There's always one that's more uncomfortable. When, oh, should I do this or should I do that? There's one that's easier and there's one that's more uncomfortable. And most of us just by human nature choose the path of least resistance. We choose the easiest one. Sometimes it makes sense, sometimes it doesn't, but most of us choose that one. The weird thing is that 99% of the times, the right decision is the uncomfortable one. I'll give you guys some live examples. Should I go to a third world country Spanish-speaking country in South America without speaking Spanish, without knowing anybody, by myself, without any contacts, without knowing where I'm going to stay, or should I stay at home? Now most people would say that's suicide. Now this country happens to be Columbia, right? Most people would say that's not a very good idea. I was thinking like TJ. No, Columbia, right? Most people would say hell no. And I know that because I invited all my friends and guess who went? Zero, nobody. Because everyone said you're out of your goddamn mind. Much less going by yourself. I'm not gonna go with you much less going by yourself. Nobody went because it was a little bit uncomfortable. Or in that case it was a lot of it uncomfortable. But whatever the case is, when you get through onto those split decisions, onto those waypoints where it could go both ways, those forks in the road, there's always an easy one and there's always an uncomfortable one. Should you go in that bar and approach that girl that she looks like your dream girl? But she's talking to a guy and he's about twice as big as you. Should you go talk to her? Should you go approach her? That's a very, very easy thing logically and it's a very easy thing emotionally. Because just about everyone's gonna say absolutely not. That is way too uncomfortable. He might beat me up. He might swing at me. He might be someone important, whatever. We're gonna make a million different reasons why we shouldn't do that. But again, it comes down to that same principle. You gotta do what's uncomfortable. You have to do what you're not comfortable with. You have to be okay with that because if you don't, you never make the tough decisions. And when you don't make the tough decisions, you start to train yourself that whenever fear is there, whenever discomfort is there, whenever anxiety is there and make no mistake about it, those are all the same emotion. When that's there, instead of facing it head on, I'll walk away. I will run away. I will run away from that uncomfortable or that discomfort. I will run away from that fear or run away from that anxiety. Most people have trained themselves their entire life to do that because that's human nature. Well, guess what? When you do that, you can't achieve success. You can't be in that top bracket. You can't be at the top, at the apex of that pyramid. You can't be in the 5%, you know why? Because that 5% is comprised of all people who made the other decision. Who made the decision to go against comfort. You must be comfortable with discomfort. There's a really, really great saying. There is no comfort in the growth zone and there's no growth in the comfort zone. And one of the things specifically in dating is that everybody wants to be confident. In fact, everything that we teach really comes down to confidence. If you think about it, think about every tactic we teach, every tool, every mindset, everything about actually dating and getting better. It all comes down to one thing. It all comes down to being confident. But at the end of the day, confidence is extremely hard to acquire because you have to do exactly this. Because the secret, gentlemen, to acquiring confidence is doing things that scare the holy hell out of you. That's why in my boot camps, when guys are afraid of heights, guess what we do? We jump out of a plane. Dead serious. Dead serious, we jump out of a plane. And sometimes my coaches are terrified. So we get a double whammy there. That's the first thing we do. We challenge ourselves and we go and we figure out what is gonna scare the most, what are we most uncomfortable to do? And we go and do that in a dating context. This is how you know what your sticking points are. Go into a group or go into a nightclub. Go into an area where people are socializing and think of what is the scariest thing I could do that doesn't put people in harm's way or isn't illegal? What is the scariest thing I could do? And realistically, not, oh, well, this guy might punch me because he won't, trust me. What's the scariest thing I could do in this environment? And you think about maybe make a mental list. Top three scariest things, guess what? That's your sticking point. That's exactly what you need to do to get better because those are the things you're not doing. The things that are easy, they're not a sticking point. You know why? Because you're already doing them. You're already doing them fine because they're easy or because they're comfortable with them. So you've got to figure out what's most uncomfortable and then you've got to go out and do that. Core confidence, the ability to know that I can do this, that I can achieve a goal and that even if I fail in that goal, that my self-esteem will not plummet because my self-esteem isn't attached to that girl, to that approach, to that transaction, to that business meeting. My self-esteem is here, it's not external. Doing that and building that kind of self-confidence primarily comes from facing your fears. That's why when they did a study of what are the characteristics that Navy SEALs and that's what teams tend to have, what did they find? They tend to be extremely self-confident. Much more than the average person out there. Why do you think that is? Because these men are facing fear on an everyday basis. When you face fear over and over and over again, it gives you an incredible amount of confidence. Confidence is one thing that transcends everything. It makes every aspect of your life better. Confidence is what gets you the job. When they did a study and they showed whether people, when they did an interview, whether people hired people who were confident or people who were better skilled, they showed that more often than not, they hire people who are more confident, relative to better skill. Confidence means that you're gonna get that raise. Confidence means that when you're in a dating situation that more women are gonna be attracted to you. The weird thing is that in friendship scenarios, men are universally turned off by other men who are not confident in a friendship scenario. Men actually dislike non-confident people. We thought it was just women. We thought, oh, maybe women don't like me because I'm not confident, but I have my guy friends secretly not realizing your guy friends don't like you either. When you lack confidence, it's across the board, gentlemen, it's universal. That's why you have to do things that scare you. That's why you have to do things that you're uncomfortable with. That's the shortcut to that confidence. Doing the thing that scares you the most. Now what I want you guys to do, as soon as it's over, and those of you guys at home, is I want you to make a list of all the things that you're most scared of. And I want you to take out everything that, say, is a danger to life and limb. So if you're most scared of jumping off a cliff without a parachute, take that one off. And what you're gonna find are all of the things remaining on that list are things that you're not scared of because it's a risk of life and limb. You're scared of because you're uncomfortable with it because it causes anxiety. And that thing, that may be spiders, that may be heights, that may be any number of things, but those things right there, especially the social ones, those are the things that you need to do because those are the things that are gonna get you the best results. All right, so those of you guys paying attention, the secret code is T21C 2012. That's the code for when you download the notes and there's gonna be a special bonus for you guys as well. Enter that code and you'll be able to download that. Everyone got it? T21C 2012. All right, our next thing. Number six, you must have guidance. You must have guidance. If you're doing something that is near impossible, you must have guidance. How many of us know a single NBA player that got to the NBA without guidance? Without a coach, without a dad that's a coach, without a dad that's an NBA player, how many of those NBA players got to that level, to that apex of superiority, of excellence without guidance? How many Olympic athletes do you know? One Olympic medal without an Olympic coach? We just had the Olympics, right? How many people do you know? How many just even one? How many athletes didn't have a coach? Even if it wasn't even an Olympic coach, even if just how many people just didn't have any coach? I don't know a single coach in this industry, in my industry, and this is the weird thing, I don't know a single coach that came from where I came from that got good without his own coach. That's the weird thing. And my coaches have actually been on the stage, and my coaches have been the guy speaking here, when I was in your spot and I was looking at them saying, wow, I could never be there. I could never get to where that guy's going. I could never achieve that. Everyone has their own coach when they're successful. I have my own coaches. Today I have my own coaches. Robbie has his own coaches. Your coaches have their own coaches. So what that tells you is if you're the guy who doesn't have your own coach, what does that tell you about your shot at getting good at this? What does that tell you about the 95.5? If the rest of the people in that 5% have their own coaches, what does that tell you? Where does that place you? For most of the people, places them in the 95%. The reason I bring this up is because I didn't always know this. The reason I bring this up is because for a long time, I thought I was too good for that. Not just in dating, but in general. For the longest time, I avoided hiring a business coach because I thought, I'll just make it in hard work. I'll make it because I have loyal students. I'll make it because I'll figure it out. I did the same thing. I did the same thing in a lot of different areas in my life. A lot of areas I didn't invest in myself and as a result, I paid the price for it. So when I finally came to my senses and I realized what was happening, the first thing I did is everything that I wanted to be successful in. I got guidance, whether it was a coach, whether it was a friend or a family friend that really knew what they were doing. I got a coach, I got some sort of guidance to help me through that on anything that I wanted to excel in. And that's why today I have coaches. I probably have more personal coaches than anyone else in this room today, right now, on everything that I want to get good at. I don't even want to be a pro photographer, yet I have a photography coach. Because you know why? My entire career in the Marine Corps, I have zero pictures. I have no pictures. Because I didn't want to buy a camera or hire a coach. So I didn't know what to take pictures. So I look back and it's like I didn't even exist in the Marine Corps. I have no pictures aside from a few that friends took. I can't go back and change that. I can't go back and turn back time and say, well now I'm smarter than that and I want to go create those memories again so I have them so I can show my kids those things. So I can show my grandkids about my time in the Marine Corps. I can't do that. And so I made a choice that from that point on, if I want to get good at something, I'm going to have guidance. I'm going to go out and get guidance or get a coach to do that. You're trying to do the impossible, gentlemen, a lot of you. I know that because I was trying to do the impossible. And if you're trying to do the impossible, you better stack the deck in your favor. Because even with the deck stacked in your favor, you get a 95% shot that you ain't going to make it. And against those odds, you better do everything in your power to make sure that you're as close as you can get to being in that 5%. And you know what? It might, it still might not work. You still might be in that 94%. You still might be there, but at least you've got a fighting chance. Because if you look around and you look at everyone around you and you say, I am not working harder than everyone else here. There's a couple of people that are working harder than me. In this room, in this city, in this layer, in this group, in this organization, there's a few people that are working harder than me. Then guess what? Then that guy is going to be in that 5%. And you're not. You're going to be in the 95%. Finally, lesson seven. You must be willing to change, grow, and adapt. Most people in this world are not willing to change. Our most basic, fundamental human emotion. The thing that we want the most. The thing, our most basic human instinct is to do what's not easy, familiar. A lot of people think that our basic instinct is to survive or to replicate or to do something to achieve some goal. It's not. It's to do what's familiar. Everything else being equal, we will always do what is familiar. Why do you think Columbia was scary? Would Columbia be scarier if I lived in Columbia? Absolutely not. Why? Does it make the country any less dangerous? No? Not really. I mean, maybe okay, maybe I can speak the language now. But aside from that, let's say I lived in Brazil where I spoke Portuguese. Would that make Columbia any less dangerous? Not really. So why is it? It's because of familiarity. Because I wasn't familiar with that country, with that location, and therefore I was uncomfortable with it. Most people, gentlemen, as much as we all want to believe that yes, I want to change, I want to grow, I want to adapt, most of us don't. Most of us don't. By raw human instinct, we actually don't want to change. We don't want to grow. And you have to fight that instinct every waking moment. Because if you don't, it'll take over. And when it takes over, you are right back in that 95%. That's why everyone's there. Because most people aren't willing to wake up every day and fight that instinct. That fight that instinct to not want to change, to not want to grow, to not want to adapt. Because it's hard, it's hard, it's scary, there's a lot of anxiety about it, the whole nine yards. That's why in this industry we hear things like, oh, that's not me. I don't want to do that, that's not me. If I told any of you guys, hey, I want you to dress like, say, KISS, the rock group. Just go out like KISS from that one. Or go out like a hipster. Go out like a gay hipster. I don't care what it is. Go out like something you're extremely not doing right now. You're extremely uncomfortable. The opposite of what you're doing. Go out with a giant mohawk on your head. Go out with something that you're completely unfamiliar with. The vast majority of the responses I'm gonna get is gonna sound something like, it isn't me. Oh, that's not me. That's not me. What that means is a resistance to change to growth to adaptation. Most people don't want to experiment. The whole concept of that isn't me. Are you defined by the mohawk? I'm obviously not. Are you defined by the clothes you wear, by the makeup that KISS wears? Are you defined by the music you listen to? Are you defined by the shoes you wear? To paraphrase Fight Club, you are not your fucking khakis. You're not defined by the things that you wear. You're not even defined by the hobbies that you have. You're not even defined by what you look like. You're defined by something that doesn't change. And that has nothing to do with what you wear, what you look like, what you like to do on the weekends, or what music you listen to. Therefore, when someone says that isn't me, that's not actually true. Because what really is you can't be changed. It is the intrinsic you. That can't be changed. Everything else on top of that is merely superficiality. Things that you wear, you can change that. The most common thing I get is when a guy says, oh, I wanna be myself, or I wanna just be me. Why can't people like me for me? Why do I have to change? Why can't people just like me for me? And I ask, well, when you go to a job interview, do you wear shorts and a t-shirt? Because I'm a pretty casual guy. I like wearing shorts and a t-shirt. Should I go to a job interview? Wearing shorts and a t-shirt. That's me, right? No, it's not me. I am not defined by my clothes. I am not defined by those external things. That isn't him, and that isn't you. And so every time that thought creeps up into your head, every time you're about to say that isn't me, that's a really big indicator that there's a resistance to change. There's a resistance to growth, to adaptation. So what I would say is completely eliminate that. Take that completely and totally out of your vocabulary. And every time in your head you say something about, oh, that isn't me. Understand exactly what you're doing. Understand that what that really means is that I don't want to change. Every time, oh, I want a girl to like me for me. I want to be good enough the way I am. I just want to be myself. Now, those are punchlines in this industry. But overall, we're still going to have those thoughts coming to our head. And I know because I still have those thoughts coming to my head. They come ahead into my head a lot less often, but I still have them. And every time they come in, I dismiss them. I dismiss them and I realize exactly what they are. There are resistance to change. And they're that resistance that I have to fight every single day. And that, gentlemen, that's the resistance that you have to fight every single day. Because if you don't do that, you will do what's familiar. And if that's the case, then I hope to God success is extremely familiar to you. I hope to God that your goals are extremely familiar to you. Because if they're not, which is why most of you are here, which is why most of you are trying to improve yourself, they're not, then what does that put you in? That puts you in the 95%. Again, it comes right back down to that, the five, the 95. These seven principles, gentlemen, are what make you successful. And I've distilled them from a variety of different disciplines. Now, in this case, we're applying a lot of these to dating. But these specific principles are what define success for everyone in every category. If you look at successful people, whether it's in dating, whether it's in finance, whether it's in career, whether it's in politics, all of these people are applying these seven characteristics. So what that tells you is that when you apply them, it's a very simple formula. You get the same result. You get success. Now that does not mean by any stretch of the imagination that it is easy because it's not. But when you apply them, it's simply like a recipe. You get the recipe, you follow it, and you get cookies. I don't care if you're a good cook or a bad cook. You follow the recipe, you get the result. You follow the recipe, you get the cookies. That's how that works. To be attractive as a whole, bringing this back to dating, to be attractive, gents, you must be attractive. You can't just do an attractive line. You have to be attractive and you can't fool most people. These principles are designed to make you attractive, not just make you appear attractive. Now that, again, they're very difficult. It's not an easy thing. It's not an overnight thing. But no matter how long, no matter how many hours and how many days and how many years, you spend trying to fake it. That you try to appear confident. Unless you make the step to actually try to do it, to actually try to become it, then it'll never happen. You must become attractive, not just say the attractive line or act attractive. That's definitely a component, but you gotta take that final step to be attractive. The weird thing is that when you try to say the line, most of us think, oh, I'll say the line and then women will think I'm attractive. The weird thing, you don't fool them. They know. That's why they throw congruence tests. That's why they say is that you're pickup line because it doesn't actually work. The reason you do that is not to fool women. The reason you do that, the reason you act confident as part of the process is not to fool people. It's as part of the process towards becoming confident. Part of that process of becoming confident means you need to take on every aspect of that person, of that confident person. In order to be confident, you have to start acting like him, you have to start thinking like him, you have to do everything that he does and not try to fake any of it. You have to try to be him. And the more you do that, the more you become him. Ultimately, that's what we're after, gentlemen. That is that confident. That's why these seven principles work so well because they base it off of long-term growth, off of confidence and not off of short-term, I can get one great result now and in the future I'm still the same person. It's about transformation. In the end, gentlemen, in the end, what we're trying to do has nothing to do with women. It's a great catalyst, but it really doesn't have anything to do with women. When I have my guys that I'm coaching on a bootcamp and I tell them, go approach that group. And he's scared to do it and he does it anyway. It doesn't have anything to do with that woman. It doesn't even have anything to do with women as a whole. When he comes back and he says, oh, they didn't like me. And I say, did they tell you to leave? And he says, no. And I say, then go back and talk to them again. And he says, why? I don't want to. I already left. And I say, go back and talk to them again. Again, that has nothing to do with women. That has nothing to do with those women or women in general. When I figure out what the thing that scares them the most and I send them to do that, that has nothing to do with women. When we on an everyday basis face our fears, it has nothing to do with women. The reason we're here, and ultimately the bigger reason we're here and the bigger reason we're doing this has nothing to do with women. It has everything to do with you. It has everything to do with being a man. And it has everything to do with doing things as a man with facing your fears. Because one day the stakes will be a lot higher. One day it won't be women. One day going in and approaching that group when you're scared won't be about, oh, I'll just try another shot at approaching a woman. It won't be about, oh, I wanna get a little more confident to be attractive to women. It won't have anything to do with it. One day you're gonna come across a scenario where the stakes are gonna be really goddamn high. One day you're gonna come across a scenario where you have to face your fears, not of women, but of life and limb. You're gonna have to face your fears because someone or something or someone's life is on the line. And that may be in your job, that may be in a theater in Colorado, that may be randomly on the street. At some points you'll probably face a scenario like that. Well, you're gonna have to call upon one thing, your courage and by association your training. In the Marine Corps they always tell us the same thing. They say you will not rise to the occasion. You will fall to your level of training. So everything that we do, all of the approaches that we do, all of that discomfort, all of the traveling to Columbia and scaring the crap out of myself, all of that comes down to one thing. It comes down to are you willing to do what's necessary? Are you training yourself to see that fear and to rush head first into it? Whether it's a halo bullets or whether it's just plain fear. Are you willing to do that or are you gonna run away? Because again, if you run away, if you condition yourself day in and day out to run away from that fear, then when it really comes down to it, when it really fucking counts, when it's your wife, your kids, your family or your own life or it's the people that you love on the line, you won't rise to the occasion. You won't be a hero. You won't do what's necessary. You won't defend your loved ones. You will run. You will run exactly the way you train to do. So if nothing else, remember and understand that we're not doing this for women. We're doing this for us. We're doing this to become better men. We're doing this because one day you'll have to call upon that courage. You'll have to call upon that skill set. You'll have to call upon that ability to bust through that fear, that anxiety and do what's necessary. If nothing else, that is what I define as a man and that is one of the central things that defines the difference between a man and a boy. And that is why we're all here. And that is what is required of you. My name's DJ Fuji. Thank you guys. For those of you guys at home, you just missed out. Because not only do you not have access to all the free bonuses that we're giving away, but you don't have access to the Q and A session. And this is where, off camera, this is one of the bonuses that we're gonna give to all the guys that made the effort that made the sacrifice to be here. And I wanna congratulate all of you guys and I want you guys to give you guys a round of applause. Everyone here had to make a sacrifice to be here. Whether you drove, whether you just took some time out of your schedule, or whether you flew across the country to be here. And you're all here for one reason, to become better men. And I thank you guys for that. And you guys out at home, I expect to see you next year.