 section four of five years of my life 1894 1899 this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org recording by Sue Anderson five years of my life 1894 1899 by Alfred Dreyfus translated from the French section for the Ildaray prison I left the Sante prison on the 17th of January 1895 as usual in the evening I had put my cell in order and lowered my couch and I laid down at the regular hour nothing having happened to give me the slightest suspicion of my impending removal I had even been told during the day that my wife had received permission to see me two days later as she had not been able to come for nearly a week between 10 and 11 o'clock at night I was suddenly awakened and told to prepare at once for my departure I had barely time to dress myself hastily the deputy of the minister of the interior who with three guards had charged of the transfer showed revolting brutality they hurriedly handcuffed me when I was scarcely dressed and gave me no time even to pick up my eyeglasses the night was intensely cold I was taken to the Orleans railway station in a prison van and thence brought in a roundabout way to the freight entrance where the cars built specially for the transportation of convicts on their way to the penal colonies of Guiana or New Caledonia were waiting these cars are divided into narrow cells each barely accommodating a man in a sitting posture and when the door is closed it is impossible for the occupant to stretch his legs I was locked up in one of these cells with my wrists handcuffed and irons on my ankles the night was horribly long all my limbs were benumbed the next morning I was trembling with fever and was able only after repeated requests to obtain a little black coffee with some bread and cheese toward noon the train arrived at La Rochelle our departure from Paris had not been disclosed and if on arriving the authorities had embarked me at once for the Ilda Ray I should have passed unrecognized as there were at the station a few loungers who were in the habit of witnessing the arrival of the convicts on their way to the Ilda Ray my guards thought it best to wait until the onlookers had gone but every few minutes the chief guard was called away from the cars by the deputy of the ministry of the interior on his return he would give mysterious orders to the other guards who would go out each in his turn and coming bustling back would close now one grading now another and keep up a constant whispering it was clear that this singular maneuvering would end by attracting the attention of the curious who would understand that there must be an important prisoner in the car and as he had not been taken out they would wait to see him then all at once the guards and delegate lost their heads it seemed that someone had been indiscreet that my name was pronounced the news spread abroad and the crowd rapidly increased I had to remain all the afternoon in the car cramped in the same cell hearing the crowd outside which was becoming more turbulent as time went on finally at nightfall I was taken from the car as soon as I appeared the clamor redoubled the thwong made sudden and angry rushes at me and blows fell on and around me I stood in passive in the midst of this mob for a moment almost undefended ready to deliver up my body to it but my soul was my own and I understood only too well the outraged feelings of this poor misguided people I should only have wished in leaving my body at their mercy to have cried out to them their pitiful error I motioned away the guards who came to my assistance but they answered that they were responsible for me how heavy must the responsibility way on those others who in torturing an individual are also abusing the confidence of an entire nation at last I got to the carriage which was to take me away and after an exciting race we came to the port of law police where I was put aboard a long boat the intense cold continued my body was benumbed my head on fire and my hands and ankles bruised by the handcuffs the trip lasted an hour on my arrival at the Ilde ray in the black of night I was led through the snow to the prison where I was brutally received by the warden at the Bureau of Registry they stripped and searched me finally towards nine o'clock crushed in body and soul I was led to the cell which I was to inhabit a guard room adjoined my cell and opened upon it by means of a large graded transom above my bed night and day to watchmen relieved every two hours were on guard at this opening with orders to watch my slightest movement the director of the prison warned me that same evening that any interviews with my wife would take place at the Bureau of Registry and in his presence that he would station himself between my wife and me and that I should not have the right to embrace or even to approach her each day during my stay at the Ilde ray I was allowed to walk in the yard adjoining my cell this yard was separated by a high wall from the buildings and courtyard occupied by convicts and along this wall stood a squad of guards following with their eyes my every movement as if I were a wild beast whose pacing to and fro in his cage must be guarded but that was not enough on returning to my cell each time I must be stripped and searched the letters exchanged between my wife and myself give our impressions of this time the following are a few extracts Ilde ray January 19 1895 I was awakened toward 10 o'clock Thursday evening to start on my journey here where I arrived last night I do not care to speak of the trip yet you must know that I have heard the cries to be expected from a patriotic people against one whom they believe to be a traitor the very lowest of wretches I am no longer sure that I have a heart will you please ask or have someone ask the minister for the following authorizations which he alone has the authority to give one the right to write to all the members of my family father mother brothers and sisters to the right to write and to work in my cell at present I have no paper pen or ink I have only the sheet of paper on which I write to you when I have finished they take pen and ink away I beg you not to come before your health is thoroughly restored the climate here is very rigorous and you need all your health first for our dear children then for the end for which you are working as to the particulars of my confinement here I am forbidden to speak and now I must remind you that before you come here you must provide yourself with all the authorizations necessary to see me do not forget to ask permission to kiss me Ilderay January 21st 1895 9 o'clock in the morning the other day when the mob insulted me at La Rochelle I longed to escape from my guards present my naked breasts to those to whom I was a natural object of indignation and say don't insult me this heart which you cannot penetrate is pure and free from all defilement but if you believe me guilty here take my body I give it to you without regret then perhaps when under the sharp sting of physical suffering I should have cried again viva la France they would have believed in my innocence I do not ask for mercy but I demand the justice which is the common right of every human being those who possess powerful means of investigation must use them to this end it is a sacred duty which they owe to humanity and justice I have but two happy moments in my days the first is when they bring me this sheet of paper that I may write you and I pass a little time in talking to you the second is when they bring me your daily letter Ilde Ray January 23 1895 I receive your letters every day as yet none from any other member of the family has been given me and on my side I have not yet received the authorization to write to them I have written to you every day since Saturday I hope you have received all my letters when I think of what I was but a few months ago and compare my condition then with my miserable situation today I confess that I give way to ferocious outbursts against the injustice of my lot truly I am a victim of the most hideous miscarriage of justice of our century at times my reason refuses to believe it it seems to me that these phantasms of an hallucination will all vanish but alas the brutal reality encompasses me Alfred from my wife Paris January 20th 1895 I am in a stupor of terror at not yet having news from you it seems to me that as they go on torturing you they tear me to pieces it is atrocious how I wish I were near you now and in the ardor of my affection could speak some gentle words to comfort your poor heart Paris January 21st 1895 fortunately I did not read the newspapers yesterday morning my people had to conceal from me the knowledge of the ignoble scene at La Rochelle what unspeakable moments you must have passed but this attitude of the crowd does not astonish me it is the result of reading those wicked journals which live by defamation and scandal and which have published such outrageous lies about you but be reassured among people who reason a great change has begun to take place Paris January 22nd 1895 never a letter from you since Thursday I had been without news if I had not been reassured as to your health I should be desperately anxious I am always thinking of you not a second slips away without my suffering with you and my suffering is so much the more terrible in that I am away from you and without news it seems as if I could not wait for the permit to rejoin you and hold you in my arms I shall have many things to tell you first the news of our children of the whole family and then of the strenuous efforts we are making to discover the key of the enigma Paris January 23 1895 I have just telegraphed the director of the prison for news of you for I can no longer control my anxiety I have not received a single letter from you since you left Paris I do not understand at all what has happened I am sure you must have written me each day but if so what is the reason of this delay if only you have received my letters so that you are not worried it is dreadful to be so far away and deprived of news I want to be sure that you are strong to have no doubts about your health and to know that you are under a less rigorous regime Lucy from the Ilde Ray January 24 1895 I see by your letter dated Tuesday that as yet you have not heard from me how you must suffer my poor darling what agonizing suspense for us both January 25 1895 your letter of yesterday rung my heart sorrow was in every word of it I don't know what to think if I look back upon the past months anger fills my brain at the thought that everything has been rested from me if I consider the present my plight is so wretched that all my thoughts turn toward the death in which I might forget all my misery only when looking forward to the future have I a moment of consolation just now my eyes rested on the pictures of our children I could not bear to look at them long my sobs strangled me I must bear my cross to the end for the sake of the name borne by those little ones henceforth I shall not have the right to write you more than twice a week Ilde Ray January 28 1895 this is one of the happy days of my sad existence for I can spend half an hour talking with you and telling you of my life each time that they bring me a letter from you a ray of joy penetrates to my wounded heart look backward I cannot the tears blind me when I think of our lost happiness but I look forward in the supreme hope that soon the hour of justice will come Ilde Ray January 31 1895 again the happy day is here when I can write to you I count them alas my happy days for I have not received any of your letters since the one they gave me last Sunday what a continual torture until now I have each day had a moment of happiness in receiving your letter it was an echo from home an echo of the sympathy of you all that warmed my frozen heart I read and reread your letters I absorbed each word little by little the written words were transformed and found a voice it seemed to me that I could hear you speaking and that you were very close to me oh the exquisite music that whispered to my soul now for four days nothing but my dreary sorrow appalling solitude Alfred from my wife Paris January 24 1895 at last I have received a letter from you it reached me only this morning oh the many tears I have shed over this little letter this poor little bit of yourself which comes to me after so many days of miserable anxiety but this news is dated the 19th the day after your arrival and I receive it on the 24th that is five days later how little humanity they must have thus to torture two wretched beings who adore each other and who have in their hearts but one aim and one dream to find the guilty man who has destroyed their happiness is it a crime to crave rehabilitation of our vilified name the name of our children Paris January 27 1895 this morning a dear sweet letter from you gave me a moment's joy forgive me my first letters which were so distracted I had a period of desperation it is true having no news of you I was ill with anxiety that is past once more my will has taken the upper hand I am strong again for the fight we must both of us live we shall have the right to die only when our task is accomplished only when our name has been cleansed of this foulness then happy days will return I shall love you so much your grateful children will show you such affection that all traces of your sufferings will be a faced I know that all these words do not alleviate the sufferings of the present but you have a great soul a will of iron and absolutely pure conscience thus upheld you must resist we must both resist together peer amused himself this morning by looking at all my photographs of you on horseback on your travels at bourge he was happy in showing them to his little sister and rattling off every thought that entered his head Jean listened to him with respect Paris January 31st 1895 no news this morning as I had hoped my God what an existence living from day to day in the expectation of a better tomorrow Lucy from the Ilde ray February 3rd 1895 I have just passed an atrocious week without a word from you since last Sunday that is for eight whole days I thought that you must be ill then that one of the children was ill then in my fevered brain I conjured up all kinds of suppositions I imagined everything you can realize my darling what I suffer I had one consolation it was to feel that you were near me that your heart was beating in unison with mine now they would deny me that solace Ilde ray February 7th 1895 I am now without news of you for more than 10 days to tell you how I feel is impossible as for you you must keep all your courage and energy it is in the name of our love that I beg it of you when the time comes you must be there to wash away the stain from my name you must be there to bring up our children to tell them that their father was a loyal soldier crushed by an appalling fatality shall I have news of you today when shall I be told that I may have the joy of embracing you each day I hope for it and still nothing comes courage my darling you need much of it no matter what may become of me you have a supreme mission to fulfill Alfred from my wife Paris February 3rd 1895 every morning a new disappointment for the post brings me nothing what am I to think at times I ask myself if you are ill what can have happened to you I picture to myself all sorts of dreadful things and my nights are beset with nightmare I have not yet obtained permission to come to see you it is long so long it will soon be three weeks since you left for the ill deray without any one of your family being able to embrace you Paris February 4th 1895 I have had the happiness of receiving your dear letter think a little how happy I am to have news of you although it is old since it dates from a week ago Monday a long week for your kind words to come to me Paris February 6th 1895 it gives me so when I look at our children to think how happy you would be and having them about you seeing them grow up and develop watching the unfolding of their intelligence that tears rise to my eyes it is now nearly four months since you saw your poor darlings and they have greatly changed Paris February 7th 1895 your last letter was dated the 28th of January it took eight days to come to me and since then I have had no news it is very hard I hope with all my heart to be able to speak with you if not by word of mouth at least by letter and these wretched bits of news which takes so long a time to come are now coming less and less often I am always waiting impatiently for my permit and hope to have it soon I long so desperately to see you Paris February 9th 1895 this morning I received your letter of January 31st your sufferings break my heart I wept long with my head in my hands until the warm caresses of our little pier brought back a smile to my lips but my sufferings are as nothing compared with yours do not be troubled when you receive no letters from me be sure that I write every day it is the one good hour I have I could not get along without it Paris February 10th 1895 I had the joy of a child yesterday evening when I finally received the permit to see you twice a week at last the time is near when I shall have the happiness of pressing you to my heart and giving you new strength by my presence I am distressed at you're not receiving my letters I have not failed a single day in speaking with you through them I cannot understand the reason of this harshness my letters contain no sentiments that could be offensive to the officials nothing but bitter grief over a situation so frightfully unjust and hope of that coming rehabilitation Lucy my wife had been authorized to see me on two consecutive days a week for one hour at a time I saw her first on the 13th of January without having been notified of her arrival I was brought into the registry office which was a few steps from the door leading out to the courtyard the office is a small narrow long room whitewashed and almost bare my wife was seated at one end and the director of the prison in the middle of the room I had to stay by the door at the opposite end of the room for my wife in front of the glass door outside guards were stationed the director warned us that we were forbidden to speak of anything concerning my trial cruelly wounded as we were by the ignominious conditions under which we were allowed to see each other and distressed as we were at feeling the minutes slipped by with lightning speed we still experienced a great inward joy at being together again but our situation was too miserable to be expressed in words that which was our strong comfort was to feel keenly that our two souls henceforth were but one that the intelligence and will of both would be directed to but a single aim the discovery of the truth and of the guilty one my wife came back to see me the following day the 14th of February and then returned to Paris on the 20th of February she was back at the ill de ray our last interviews took place on the 20th and 21st of February from the ill de ray after the interview with my wife ill de ray February 14th 1895 the few minutes I passed with you were very sweet to me although it was impossible for me to tell you all that was in my heart I spent the time looking at you trying to impress your image upon my very being and asking myself by what inconceivable fatality I was separated from you Alfred from my wife after her return to Paris Paris February 16th 1895 what emotion what a fearful shock we have both felt at seeing each other again you especially my poor beloved husband must have been terribly shaken not having been warned of my arrival the conditions under which they allowed me to see you were too heart-rending now that we have been separated so cruelly for four months to have the right to speak to each other only at a distance is the depth of wretchedness how I yearn to press you to my heart to be able to warm you with my love poor lonely one my soul was torn asunder when I left San Marta going away from you Lucy from the ill de ray after having seen my wife this letter was written on the day of my departure of which I was then incomplete ignorance February 21st 1895 when I see you the time is so short I am so distracted by the hours slipping away with such bewildering rapidity a rapidity in striking contrast to my dragging hours of solitude that I forgot to tell you half of what I had in mind I wanted to ask you if the trip down had not fatigued you if the sea had been kind to you I wanted to tell you all the admiration I feel for the nobility of your character for your incomparable devotion many a woman would have lost her mind amidst the repeated shocks of so cruel and undeserved a fate as I have told you I will do all in my power to bear up so that I may live to see with you the happy light of the day of our restoration Alfred end of section four section five of five years of my life 1894 1899 this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org recording by Sue Anderson five years of my life 1894 1899 by Alfred Dreyfus translated from the French section five the journey to devil's island consisting of two parts the journey to devil's island and the devil's island diary April 14 and 15 1895 part one the journey to devil's island on the 21st of February I saw my wife for the last time she asked that they tie her hands behind her back and let her approach and kiss me the director gave a rough refusal after the interview which was from two to three o'clock I was suddenly told that I must get ready for my departure without either of us having been previously informed the preparations consisted in making a bundle of my clothes before the departure I was against stripped and searched and then led between six guards to the dock there I was embarked on a steam launch which brought me in the evening to the roadstead of Roche 4 from the launch I was taken on board the transport Saint-Nazaire not a word had been spoken not a hint had been given as to the place whether I was to be transported as soon as I reached the Saint-Nazaire they placed me in one of a number of convict cells on the forward deck which were closed by a simple grading the part of the deck in front of these cells was uncovered the night was dark and the cold fearful nearly fourteen degrees centigrade below zero about seven degrees Fahrenheit only a hammock was thrown to me and I was left without food the memory of my wife whom I had left a few hours before incomplete ignorance of my departure whom I had not even been able to embrace the memory of my children and all those dear friends whom I left behind me in sorrow and despair my uncertainty as to the place whether they were taking me the situation in which I found myself all through me into a state that cannot be described I could only fling myself upon the ground in a corner of my cell and weep and shiver throughout the night the next day the Saint-Nazaire weighed anchor the first days of the passage were desperately hard my open cell was bitter cold and sleep in the hammock was painful for food I had the regular convicts ration handed me in old preserve cans I was watched by one guard during the day and at night by two always armed and under strict orders not to speak to me after the fifth day I was allowed to go on deck one hour each day accompanied by two guards after the eighth day the weather grew gradually warmer and then became torrid I knew that we were nearing the equator but of my destination I had no hint after a passage of 15 days we dropped anchor on the 12th of March 1895 in the roadstead of the ill-du-salu I had a hint of the place from bits of conversation among the guards who spoke among themselves of posts to which they might be sent and mentioned names which I recognized as belonging to localities in Guiana I hope that I should be disembarked at once but I had to wait nearly four days confined in my cell in this tropical heat in fact no preparations had been made for receiving me and everything had to be hurried on the 15th of March I was landed and shut up in a room of the prison establishment of the ill royal this strictly close confinement lasted nearly a month on April 13th I was taken to the ill-du-diabla a barren rock used previously for the isolation of lepers the ill-du-salu form a group made up of three islets the ill royal where the commander-in-chief of the prisons of the three islands has his dwelling the ill San Joseph and the ill du-diabla on my arrival at the ill du-diabla the following measures were taken for my disposal and were in force until 1896 the hut destined for my use was built of stone and covered about 17 square yards the windows were graded the door was of latticework with simple iron bars this door led to a little hallway six feet square the entrance to which was closed by a solid wooden door in this ante room a guard was always on duty these guards were relieved every two hours they were not to lose sight of me day or night five men were detailed to that service at night the outer door was closed inside and out so that every two hours at guard relief there was an infernal clatter of keys and iron work by day i had the right to go about in that part of the island comprised between the landing place and the little valley where the leper's camp had been a treeless space of less than half an acre i was absolutely forbidden to leave these limits the moment i started out i was accompanied by the guard who was not to lose sight of a single one of my movements the guard was armed with a revolver later on a rifle and cartridge belt were added i was expressly forbidden to speak to anyone whomever at the beginning my rations were those of a soldier in the colonies but without wine i had to do my own cooking and in fact to do everything myself the following pages are an exact reproduction of the diary which i kept from the month of april 1895 until the autumn of 1896 it was intended for my wife this diary was seized with all my papers in 1896 and was never turned over to my wife i was able to obtain possession of it only at the time of the chenna trial in 1899 end of section one section two the devils island diary april 14th and 15th 1895 il du salut my diary to be handed to my wife sunday april 14th 1895 today i begin the diary of my sad and tragic life indeed only today have i paper at my disposal each sheet is numbered and signed so that i cannot use it without it's being known i must account for every bit of it but what could i do with it of what use could it be to me to whom would i give it what secret have i to confide to paper questions and enigmas until now i have worshipped reason i have believed there was logic in things and events i have believed in human justice anything irrational and extravagant found difficult entrance into my brain oh what a breaking down of all my beliefs and of all sound reason what fearful months i have passed what sad months still await me during these first days when in the disarray of mind and senses which was the consequence of the iniquitous sentence passed on me i had resolved to kill myself my dear wife with her undaunted devotion and courage made me realize that it is because i am innocent that i have not the right to abandon her or willfully to desert my post i knew she was right and that this was my duty but yet i was afraid yes afraid of the atrocious mental sufferings the future had in store for me physically i felt myself strong enough a pure conscience gave me superhuman strength but the mental and physical tortures have been worse than i feared and today i am broken in body and spirit however i yielded to my wife i lived but what a life i underwent first the worst punishment which can be inflicted on a soldier a punishment worse than any death then step by step i traversed the horrible path which brought me hither by the santae prison and the depot of the ill-de-ray supporting without flinching the insults and cries but leaving a fragment of my heart at every turn of the road my conscience bore me up my reason said to me each day the truth at last will shine forth triumphant in a century like ours the light cannot long remain concealed but alas each day brought with it a new deception the light not only did not shine forth but everything was done to dim it i am still in the closest confinement all my correspondence is read and checked off at the ministry and often not forwarded they even forbade my writing to my wife about the investigations which i wish to counsel her to have made it is impossible for me to defend myself i thought that once in exile i might find if not rest this i cannot have till my honor is restored at least some tranquility of mind and life which might help me to wait for the day of rehabilitation what a new and bitter disappointment after a voyage of fifteen days shut up in a cage i first remained for four days in the roadstead of the ill-de-salut without going on deck in the midst of tropical heat my brain and my whole being melted away in despair when i was landed i was shut up in a room of the prison with closed blinds prohibited from speaking to anyone alone with my thoughts with the regime of a convict my correspondence had first to be sent to cayenne i do not know yet if it came to hand since i landed a month ago i have remained locked in my pen without once leaving it in spite of all the bodily fatigue of my painful journey several times i all but went crazy i had congestion of the brain and i conceived such a horror of life that the temptation came to me to have no care of myself and so put an end to my martyrdom this would have been deliverance and the end of my troubles for i should not have perjured myself as my death would have been natural the remembrance of my wife and of my duty toward my children has given me strength to pull myself together i am not willing to nullify her efforts and abandon her in her mission of seeking out the truth and the guilty man for this reason in spite of my fierce distaste of seeing a new face which would be sure to be inimical i asked for the doctor at last after 30 days of this close confinement they came to fetch me to the ill do diabola where i shall enjoy a semblance of liberty by day i shall be able to walk about in a space less than half an acre followed step by step by the guards at nightfall between six and half past six o'clock i shall be shut up in my hut 13 feet square closed by a door made of iron bars through which relays of guards will look at me all the night long a chief and five guards are exclusively appointed to this service my rations are half a loaf of bread a day 300 grams two-thirds of a pound of meat three times a week the other days canned pork or canned beef for an honorable and innocent man what a terrible existence of constant suspicion of uninterrupted surveillance and then i have never any news of my wife and children yet i know that since the 29th of march nearly three weeks ago there have been letters for me at cayenne i have had them telegraphed to cayenne and to france for news of my dear ones there is no reply oh how i wish to live until the day of rehabilitation to cry out my sufferings and give voice to the pangs of my heart shall i last so long often i have doubts my heart is so oppressed and my health so shaken sunday night april 14th to 15th 1895 it is impossible for me to sleep this cage before which the guard walks up and down like a phantom appearing in my dreams the plague of insects which run over my skin the rage which is smothered in my heart that i should be here when i have always and everywhere done my duty all this overexcites my nerves which are already shattered and drives away sleep when shall i again pass a calm and tranquil night perhaps not until i find in the tomb the sleep that is everlasting how sweet it will be to have no further concern with human vileness and cowardice the sea which i hear murmuring beneath my little window has always for me a strange fascination it soothes my thoughts bitter and somber though they be it recalls dear memories the happy days i have passed with my wife and darling children i have again a violent sensation which i felt on the boat of being drawn almost irresistibly towards the sea whose murmurous waters seem to call me with the voice of a comforter this tyranny of the sea over me is almost irresistible on the boat i had to close my eyes and call up the image of my wife not to yield to it where are the beautiful dreams of my youth and the aspirations of my manhood my heart is dead within me my brain reels with the turmoil of my thoughts what is the mystery underlying this tragedy even now i understand nothing of what has passed to be condemned without palpable proofs on the strength of a bit of handwriting however clear the soul and conscience of a man may be is there not more than enough here to enfrenzy him the sensitiveness of my nerves after all this torture has become so acute that each new impression even from without produces on me the effect of a deep wound the same night i have just tried to sleep but after dozing a few minutes i awoke burning with fever and it has been so every night for months how has my body been able to resist such a combination of physical torments added to mental torture i think that a clear conscience sure of itself must give invincible strength i open the blind which closes my little window and look again upon the sea the sky is full of great clouds but the moonlight filters through tinging the sea with silver the waves break powerless at the foot of the rocks which outline the shape of the island there is a constant lapping of the water as it plays on the beach with a rude staccato rhythm that soothes my wounded soul and in this night in the deep calm there come back to my mind the dear images of my wife and children how my poor lucy must suffer from so undeserved a lot after having had everything to make her happy and happy she so well deserves to be for the purity and sweetness of her character for her tender and devoted heart poor poor little wife when i think of her and of my children something within me gives way and my grief finds vent in sobs i am going to try to work at my english perhaps the task will let me forget a little monday april 15th 1895 there was a deluge of rain this morning for my breakfast i had nothing the guards took pity on me and gave me a little black coffee and bread when the storm lightened i made the rounds of the little portion of this island which is reserved to me it is a sad place this island where i cannot go there are a few banana trees and a few cocoa palms and the rest is dry soil from which basaltic rocks crop out everywhere at ten o'clock they bring me my day's food a bit of canned pork some rice some coffee berries in filthy condition and a little moist sugar i have no means of roasting the coffee which in bitter derision is given to me raw i throw it all into the sea then i try to make a fire after several fruitless efforts i succeed i heat up water for my tea my luncheon is made up of bread and tea what agony of my whole being what a sacrifice i have made in giving my pledge to live nothing will be spared me neither mental torture or physical suffering oh that plunge and sea which is always muttering and howling at my feet what an echo to my soul the foam of the wave which breaks upon the rocks is so softly white that i could throw myself upon it to seek rest and be lost end of part two end of section five section six of five years of my life 1894 1899 this is a liberox recording all liberox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit liberox.org recording by sue anderson five years of my life 1894 1899 by alfred drifus translated from the french section six the devils island diary april 15th to may 27th 1895 monday april 15th evening again i had only a bit of bread for my dinner and i was fainting the guards seeing my bodily weakness passed into me a bowl of their broth then i smoked smoked to calm both my brain and the knowing of my stomach i have repeated my request of a fortnight ago to the governor of guiana that i may live at my own expense getting canned food from cayenne as the law allows me to do dear wife at this very moment does your thought respond to my own do you realize what i am undergoing yes i know i am sure you feel all that i am suffering how this one idea haunts me ceaselessly that condemned for a hateful crime i do not understand anything about it if there is justice in the world my untarnished name must be given back to me and the guilty one the monster must suffer the punishment that his crime deserves tuesday april 16th 1895 exhausted beyond measure i have been able to sleep my first thought as i awoke was for you my dear and beloved lucy i asked myself what you were doing at the same moment you must have been busy with our children may they be your comfort if i give way before the end next i go out to cut wood after two hours of effort sweating profusely i succeed in getting together enough for my needs at eight o'clock they bring me a piece of raw meat and bread i kindle my fire the smoke is blown back by the sea breeze and my eyes smart and weep as soon as there are enough coals i put the meat on some stray scraps of iron which i have gathered together here and there and grill it a breakfast a little better than yesterday though the meat is tough and dry as to my bill of fare for dinner it is very simple bread and water these petty exertions have worn me out friday april 19th 1895 i have not written for some days because the struggle for life has occupied all my activities no matter what they do i will resist to the last drop of my blood the diet is not changed i cannot have my canned goods they are always waiting for orders today i boiled my meat with some wild peppers i had found in the island this took three hours during which my eyes suffered horribly how miserable and never any news from my wife and my dear ones have the letters been intercepted worn out thinking to calm my nerves by splitting wood for tomorrow i go to look for the hatchet in the kitchen you cannot enter the kitchen calls out the guard and i go my way saying nothing but without lowering my head oh if i could only live in my hut without ever going out of it from time to time i try to do english translations and to forget myself in my work but my brain is so utterly shaken that it will not respond after a quarter of an hour i am forced to give it up and then i find that they intercept all my correspondence i understand that they must take every possible and imaginable precaution to prevent my escape it is their right even the strict duty of the prison administration but that they should bury me alive in a sepulchre that they should prevent all communication even by open letter with my family this is against all justice you might think we were thrown back centuries for six months i have been in close confinement without being able to help toward the restoration of my honor saturday april 20th 1895 11 o'clock in the morning i have finished my cooking for the day this morning i cut my piece of meat in two one piece is to boil the other is for a steak to cook the ladder i have contrived a grill from an old piece of sheet iron which i picked up in the island for drink i have water my food is ill prepared in old tin cans i have nothing with which to clean these properly and have no plates i must pull together all my courage to live under such conditions added to all my mental tortures utterly exhausted i am going to stretch myself out on my bed night from saturday to sunday to am to think that in our century in a country like france imbued with ideas of justice and truth such things so utterly undeserved can come to pass i have written to the president of the republic i have written to the ministers always asking them to seek out the truth they have no right thus to allow the honor of an officer and his family to be undermined with no other proof than a bit of handwriting when the government has the means of investigation necessary to bring out the light i cry aloud in the name of my honor demanding justice i was so hungry this afternoon that to still the noins of my stomach i devoured raw ten tomatoes which i found in the island editor's note raw tomatoes are considered in france as inedible as raw potatoes the lepers had cultivated the island a little and there were still traces of their gardening the tomatoes which now grow wild were very numerous end of note my night was feverish i dreamed of you dear lucy and of our dear children as i do every night how you must suffer my poor love happily our children are still too young to realize else what an apprenticeship to sorrow would be theirs as for me no matter what my martyrdom my duty is to go to the end of my strength without faltering i shall go i have just written to commandant to pati to remind him of the two promises he made me after sentence was pronounced first in the name of the minister to continue the investigations second in his own name personally to warn me as soon as there should be new leakages at the ministry the villain who has committed the crime is on a fatal incline and will not be able to check his dissent sunday april 21st 1895 the commandant of the islands was kind enough to send me this morning with my meat two cans of condensed milk each can holds about three quarts by drinking a court and a half a day i shall have enough milk for four days i have stopped boiling the meat which i could not make eatable this morning i have cut it into two slices and shall grill one of them for the morning meal and one for the evening in the intervals of my enforced housework i continually think of my darling wife and all my dear ones and of all they must suffer may the day of justice soon dawn my days are interminable every minute of every hour a long drawn out weariness i am incapable of any considerable physical exertion moreover from 10 in the morning until three in the evening the heat makes it impossible for me to go out i cannot work at my english all day long my brain will not stand it and i have nothing to read my only resource is a perpetual companionship with my thoughts as i was kindling the fire to make my tea i saw the canoe coming from the ill royale i was obliged to retire into the hut it is the order do they fear then that i shall communicate with the convicts monday april 22nd 1895 i rose a daybreak to wash my linen and to dry my clothing in the sun everything molders here because of the mixture of dampness and heat quick showers of rain in torrents alternate with burning heat yesterday i asked the commander of the islands for one or two plates of no matter what kind he answered that he had none i am forced to exercise my ingenuity and to eat either off paper or old scraps of iron gathered on the island the dirt i eat in this way is inconceivable i hold out in spite of all for my wife's and my children's sake i am always alone in communion with my thoughts what a martyrdom for an innocent man as great surely as that of any christian martyr i am still without news from my family in spite of my repeated demands for two months i have had no letters i have just received some dried vegetables in old preserved cans in trying to transform these cans into plates while washing them i cut my fingers i have just been told that i must wash my own linen i have no soap with which to do it i have set myself to the task for two hours together but the result is not encouraging at all events the linen will have been soaked in water i am utterly worn out shall i be able to sleep i doubt it i have such a mingling of physical weakness and extreme nervousness that the moment i am in bed the nerves get the upper hand and i am tortured with anxiety about my dear ones tuesday april 23rd 1895 the struggle for life continues i have never perspired so profusely as this morning when i went to cut wood i have simplified my meals still more this morning i made a kind of stew with the beef and white beans i have eaten half of it and shall keep the other half for the evening thus having to cook only once a day but this eating food cooked in old rusty utensils gives me violent colic wednesday april 24th 1895 today i had canned pork i have thrown it away i am going to boil some dried peas which will be my day's food i have had almost continual chills with colic thursday april 25th 1895 they give me boxes of matches one by one and i must always give back the empty box this morning i could not find the empty box whence a scene and threats i finally discovered it in my pocket night from thursday to friday these sleepless nights are fearful i managed to get through the days because i am occupied with the thousand and one details of material life i must clean my hut do my cooking find and cut wood wash my linen etc but as soon as i lie down no matter how exhausted i may be my nerves get the upper hand my brain begins working and i think of home friday april 26th 1895 again i have thrown away my ration of canned pork the commandant of the island came afterward and brought me tobacco and tea in place of tea i should have preferred condensed milk which i have also had the authorities ask for it cayenne for my colic continues the commandant has loaned me four flat plates two concave ones and two saucepans but has given me nothing to put in them i have also received the magazines which my wife sent me but never a letter it is really too inhuman i wrote to my wife this is one of my rare moments of calm i always exhort her to have courage and energy for our honor must be made to appear to all without any exception as it has always been pure and stainless the terrific heat takes away all strength and all physical energy saturday april 27th 1895 on account of the heat i am changing my habits i arise at daybreak half past five and light my fire and make coffee or tea then i put the dried vegetables on the fire and afterward make my bed clean up my chamber and perform a summery toilet at eight o'clock they bring me the day's rations i finish cooking the dried vegetables and on meat days place these rations on the fire thus all my cooking is over by ten o'clock for i eat in the evening what is left over from the morning at ten o'clock i lunch next i read work dream and most of all suffer until three o'clock then i make a thorough toilet as soon as the heat has diminished towards five o'clock i cut my wood draw water from the well wash my linen and so on at six o'clock i eat the cold remains of my luncheon then i am locked up the night is my longest time i have not been able to obtain permission to have a lamp in my hut there is a lantern in the guard post but the light is too dim to work by long nothing is left for me but to lie down and then my brain begins to work all my thoughts turn to the frightful drama of which i am the victim and all my memories center about my wife and children and those who are dear to me how all of them must suffer with me sunday april 28th 1895 the wind blows a tempest the gusts coming one after the other buffets the little hut and everything in it trembles under the shock how it resembles at times the state of my soul in its passionate storms wood that i were as strong and powerful as the wind which shakes the trees and uproots them so that i might sweep aside every obstacle that bars the way to the truth i would like to cry aloud all my sufferings and the revolt of my heart against the ignomy thrust upon an innocent man and his dear ones oh what a punishment is merited by the one who has committed this crime he has acted like a criminal toward his country toward an innocent man and he has driven a whole family to despair such a man is certainly an unnatural being a monster today i have learned how to clean my kitchen utensils until now i simply washed them with hot water using my handkerchiefs for dish rags in spite of everything they remained dirty and greasy suddenly i thought of the ashes which contain a large proportion of potash this combination has exceeded admirably but in what state it has put hands and handkerchiefs just now i have been told that until further order my linen clothes will be washed at the hospital this is good luck for with the constant perspiration they are in need of a thorough scrubbing i hope this provisional measure will be made permanent the same day seven o'clock in the evening i have thought long of you dear lucy and of our children because on sunday we used to spend the whole day together the time has passed slowly today very slowly for me and my thoughts grow somber as the day draws to an end monday april 29th 1895 10 a.m never have i been so tired as this morning after having drawn water and cut wood with all that the luncheon that is waiting for me is made up of dried up old beans which have been on the fire four hours and will not cook and some nauseating canned beef in a debilitating climate my wanting physical strength cannot possibly keep up if this repugnant diet lasts much longer noon i have tried in vain to sleep i am worn out with fatigue but the moment i cease to be active and lie down the overwhelming consciousness of my sorrow surges in filling my brain and i feel the bitterness of my unjustifiable condemnation rise from my heart to my lips my nerves are so set on edge so racked that i cannot obtain even a moment of refreshing sleep with all this there is a storm brewing in the air the sky is overcast and the heat oppressive stifling i wish for a change that i could hear the rain fall to refresh this eternally furnace like atmosphere the sea is pale green the waves are leaden massive as if gathering for a great upheaval how preferable death would be to this slow agony to this constant martyrdom but i have no right to think this for the sake of lucy and my children i must struggle on wednesday may first 1895 oh the horrible nights yet i rose yesterday as usual at half past five toiled all day long took no siesta and toward evening sawed wood for nearly an hour until i trembled with fatigue yet i could not sleep till long past midnight if only i could read or work through the evening the lantern of the guard post which is insufficient for my waking pursuits is still too strong for me when i am in bed thursday may second eleven o'clock the mail from cayenne arrived yesterday evening does it bring me letters at last with news of my dear ones i have been asking myself this question every minute since morning but i have had so many disappointments during these long months and have heard things so contrary to all ideas of common humanity that i doubt everything and everyone except my own family i am sure they will get at the truth and will not falter a moment in seeking for it i also ask myself if my own letters reach my wife what a frightful experience for all of us so profound is my solitude that often i seem to be lying alive in my tomb the same day five o'clock in the afternoon the boat coming from the ill royal is in sight my heart beats as though it would burst does the boat bring my wife's letters which had been at cayenne more than a month shall i read her dear thoughts and be comforted by her words of affection my joy was boundless on finding their word letters for me at last but this was soon followed by a cruel disappointment when i saw they were letters addressed to the ilde ray and dated previous to my departure from france are they then suppressing the letters addressed to me here or do they perhaps send them back to france so that they may be read there first could not they at least notify my family that they must send their letters to me through the ministry in spite of all i have sobbed long over these letters dated more than two months and a half ago could anyone possibly imagine such a tragedy nothing of all i had asked for has come from cayenne neither cooking utensils nor food saturday may fourth 1895 the dreary length of these days in maddening isolation and with no news from home i asked myself repeatedly what my dear ones are doing what has become of them how they are and how far their investigations have gone my last letter from them was dated february 18th the mornings pass after a fashion the struggle for existence gives me something definite material to do from half past five until ten o'clock but the food i am taking is far from keeping up my strength today is canned pork day i lunch on split peas and bread bill of fare for dinner the same why do i so often note the little facts of my daily life they are but a passing shadow before the ever present anxiety that which concerns my good name i suffer not only from my tortures but from those of the dear ones at home do they even receive my letters how anxious they must be about me quite apart from all their other preoccupations the same day evening in the eternal silence raining around me which is interrupted only by the noise of the waves lapping on the rocks i recall the letters i wrote to lucy at the beginning of my stay here in which i dwelt upon my miseries what right have i to tear her heart with my lamentations when she must suffer as much as i do by sheer force of will i must overcome my anguish and by my example give my wife the strength needed to carry out her mission monday may 6th 1895 always alone with this poor head of mine without any news from my beloved ones thus with my sorrows must i live yes i must bear up worthily inspiring with courage my wife and all my family no more weakness than accept your lot you must for your children's sake neither the climate nor my own strength permit me to regain full mastery of myself and i try in vain by hard manual labor to control my nerves tuesday may 7th 1895 since yesterday there has been a deluge of rain and in the intervals the hot stifling humid air has been unbearable wednesday may 8th 1895 i was so wild today in this eternal silence without news of my dear ones for nearly three months that for two hours i tried to wear down the tension of my nerves by sawing and splitting wood i also succeed by force of will in working at english again i am studying it from two to three hours a day thursday may 9th 1895 this morning after rising as usual at the break of day and making my coffee i had a fit of weakness followed by a copious perspiration i had to lie down on my bed i must struggle to support my body it must not yield until my honor is restored then only shall i have the right to give way to weakness in spite of all my efforts itself control the thought of home brought an uncontrollable outburst of tears oh the truth must surely be revealed if it is not to be so i should wish to hear that both my children were dead what can life have in store for them if my good name their name be not vindicated a frightful day violent nervous chills but the soul must master the body friday may 10th 1895 high fever last night the medicine chest my wife gave me has not yet been delivered saturday sunday monday may 11th 12th 13th bad days fever stomach trouble discussed for everything and what is going on in france all this time at what point are the investigations sunburn two on my feet because i went out without my shoes for a few seconds thursday may 16th 1895 continual fever a stronger attack yesterday evening followed by congestion of the brain i have asked for the doctor because i am not willing to give up like this friday may 17th 1895 the doctor came yesterday evening he ordered heavy doses of quinine and will send me 12 cans of condensed milk it is good to be able to live on a milk diet and no longer to eat food which has become so repulsive to me that i have taken nothing for four days i would never have believed that the human body had such power of endurance saturday may 18th 1895 the condensed milk from the hospital was not very good still it is better than nothing it is a change sunday may 19th 1895 a gloomy day a tropical rain pouring without cessation my temperature has gone down thanks to the quinine i have placed on my table to have them always before my eyes the pictures of my wife and my children i must gather from them all my strength monday may 27th 1895 the gloomy monotonous days are hardly distinguishable one from another i have just written to my wife to say that my courage is unshaken it must be i will have the fullest light thrown on this affair oh my dear children i am like the animal that interposes its own body between the hunters and its little ones end of section six section seven of five years of my life 1894 1899 this is a libervox recording all libervox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit libervox.org recording by sue anderson five years of my life 1894 1899 by alfred drifus translated from the french section seven the devil's island diary may 29th to july 14th 1895 wednesday may 29th 1895 constant rains stifling heavy nerve irritating weather oh my nerves how they make me suffer to think that my whole energy of mind and body can only prolong this dying by inches in a wilderness but i will have my day yet the author of the infamous crime will surely be unmasked someday oh if i had hold of him for only five minutes i would make him undergo some of the torture which he has made me endure i would tear out his heart without pity saturday june 1st 1895 the mailboat from kyan has just passed before my eyes shall i at last have recent news of my wife and children since i left france that is since the 20th of february i have had no tidings of my dear ones what a bondable torture sunday june 2nd 1895 nothing neither letters nor news of them always the silence of the grave but strong in my conscience and in my right i will hold out monday june 3rd 1895 i have just seen the mail steamer pass by sailing for france my heart beat almost to breaking the mail will bring you dearest lucy my last letters in which i cry to you courage and courage again all france must learn that i am a victim and not a miscreant a traitor at the very word all my blood rushes to my head everything in me trembles with rage a traitor the lowest of the low oh no i must live i must master my sufferings that i may see the day of the full and acknowledged triumph of my innocence wednesday june 5th 1895 how long the hours are i have no more paper to write on in spite of my repeated requests for the past three weeks neither have i anything to read or to help me to escape from my thoughts no news for my dear ones for three months and a half friday june 7th 1895 i have just received some paper and also a few magazines torrents of rain today under the tension of my thoughts my brain aches fearfully sunday june 9th 1895 still no letters for my dear ones my heart bleeds everything wounds me death would be a deliverance yet i have no right to think of it wednesday june 12 1895 at last i have received letters from my wife and family how i can feel between every line the grief and frightful sorrow of all those dear ones the letters arrived here at the end of march and must certainly have been sent back to france so it takes more than three months for mail to reach me i reproach myself for having written distressing letters to my wife when i first arrived here i should have known how to bear my cross alone rather than to inflict a share of my sufferings upon those who have a cruel burden of their own there is always this constant unheard of incomprehensible suspicion adding ever to the wounds of my lacerated heart when he brought my mail the commandant of the island said to me they ask at paris whether you or your family have not agreed on a secret correspondence code look for it i said what else do they think oh he replied they do not appear to believe in your innocence i hope to live long enough to answer all the infamous calamities which have sprung from the imaginations of people blinded by hate passion and prejudice so sooner or later there must come to all the unescapable conviction of the truth not only concerning my condemnation but concerning also all that has been said and done since i have received my kitchen utensils and for the first time canned food from cayenne material life is a matter of indifference to me but by taking it into account i shall be better able to keep up my strength the convicts are to come for a few days to do some work on the island so they shut me up in my hut for fear that i shall communicate with them oh the hatefulness of man here i interrupt my diary to give a few extracts from my wife's letters which i received on june 12 these letters had really reached cayenne at the end of march and then been sent back to france to be read by the colonial ministry as well as by the ministry of war later my wife was told that she would have to leave at the colonial ministry on the 25th of each month the letters which she wished sent to me she was forbidden to mention in these letters my case or events relating to it even such as were matters of public discussion her letters were read studied passed through many hands and often suppressed entirely those that reached me could of course contain nothing of a private character finally owing to this rigid censorship she was obliged to refrain from even mentioning any of the efforts made to discover the truth lest those who were interested in our ruin and in smothering the facts should turn the information thus acquired to their own uses paris february 2030 1995 i was deeply moved when i learned upon my return that you had left the ill deray you were very far from me it is true and yet i could see you every week and i longed for those interviews i read your sufferings in your eyes and dreamed only of lessening them for you a little now i have but a single hope a single desire to join you and exhort you to patience and by the force of my love and tenderness to help you awake calmly the hour of rehabilitation this is now the last stage of your suffering i hope at least that on the boat during the long voyage you have met humane persons who will pity and respect an innocent man and martyr not a second passes my adored husband that my thoughts are not with you my days and nights drag on in continual anxiety for you only think i know nothing about you and shall know nothing until you arrive paris february 26 1895 day and night i think of you i share your sufferings imagine my burden of spirit when i think of you so far away sailing on the sea where storms may come to increase your moral torture by physical suffering by what fatality are we doomed to such an ordeal if i could but be near you and help you to bury your sorrow i have asked the colonial minister for permission to join you and since the law allows the wives and children of transported convicts to accompany them i do not see how he can refuse me this i am waiting for the answer with feverish impatience paris february 28 1895 i cannot tell you the grief i feel as the distance that divides us grows greater and greater my days pass in dreadful thoughts my nights in frightful dreams only our children with their pretty ways their freshness of soul can recall me to the one compelling duty i must fulfill and remind me that i have no right to give way so i gather strength and put my whole soul into bringing them up as you always desired following your wise councils and endeavoring to mold their characters in nobleness and purity and when you return you shall find them such as you had dreamed of guiding them to be paris march 5 1895 with my last letter i forwarded to you a package of magazines of every kind that may interest you and help you as far as possible to find the hours a little less long while waiting for the good tidings of the discovery of the guilty man if only may god granted the life awaiting you there be not too painful if only you do not lack what is absolutely necessary to sustain your body to endure the rigorous existence imposed upon you since your departure from france my suffering is doubled i should be a thousand times less wretched if i could be with you then i should at least know how you are the state of your health and energy and on this score my anxiety would be at rest lucy continuation of my diary Saturday June 15th 1895 this whole week i have stayed shut up in my hut because of the presence of the convicts who came to work at the guards quarters nothing but suffering Wednesday June 19th 1895 dry heat the rainy season is near its end i am all covered with pimples from the bites of mosquitoes and all sorts of insects but that is nothing what are physical sufferings as compared to the horrible tortures of the soul merely infinitesimal it is the anguish of brain and soul that cries aloud when will they discover the guilty one when shall i know at last the truth of all this shall i live to know it doubt of it assails me i feel myself falling into black depths of despair then i ask myself what of my poor lucy and my children no i will not abandon them with all the strength that in me lies so long as i have a shadow of vitality i will keep faith with those who belong to me i must make whole my honor and the honor of my children Saturday June 22nd 11 o'clock evening impossible to sleep for hours after being shut up since half past six in the evening then all night long there are constant goings and comings in the guard room and continual noise of doors roughly opened and then bolted first the guard on duty is relieved every two hours besides this another comes every hour to sign the book in the guard room these movements this rattling of locks have come to be a part of my nightmares when will the end come of so unendurable a situation Tuesday June 25th 1895 again the convicts being at work on the island i am confined to my hut Friday June 28th 1895 always shut in because the convicts are here by sheer will i succeed in working at English three or four hours a day but the rest of the time my thoughts are always harking back to the horrible tragedy it often seems to me that my heart and brain must burst Saturday June 29th 1895 i have just seen the mail boat outward bound for France how the word thrills through my soul to think that my country to which i had consecrated all the forces of my being can believe me to be so vile ah my burden is sometimes too heavy for human shoulders to bear Thursday July 4th 1895 i have not had strength enough to write these days i have been so upset by the long delay in the arrival of fairly recent letters from my wife the latest letters were dated the 25th of May there is nothing new the guilty man has not been discovered i suffer my family's torment as if it were all my own i do not speak of my thousand and one daily miseries which are like so many wounds to elacirated heart but i will not give up i must communicate my own energy to my wife i will succeed in my resolve to preserve the honor of my name and my children's here are a few extracts from the letters which came for my wife at this time Paris March 25th 1895 i hope this letter will find you in good health for my part i am awaiting with the greatest impatience for news of your arrival it cannot be long delayed for it has been three weeks since you started on the way what a calvary you have endured and what awful moments you still must pass through before we get at the truth Paris March 27th 1895 my heart is rent asunder when i think of your sufferings and of your grief alone in exile and having not one soul near to uphold you and give you hope and courage i long so to be near you and share your grief and to lessen it a little by my presence in spirit i am far more in the ill to salute than here i live there with you i seek to see you in those forlorn islands and to imagine your life Paris April 6th 1895 i read this morning with emotion the story of your arrival at the ill to salute according to the newspapers the ill to Diabla has been reserved for you but although the news of your arrival has reached France i have heard so far nothing from you i cannot tell you what my sufferings are thus separated completely from the husband whom i so love totally deprived of news and not knowing how you are bearing up your wonderful self-sacrifice your courage and the energy of your soul give us strength to carry out the task which is imposed on us that we shall bring it to a successful end i feel certain Paris April 12 1895 never any news from you it will soon be two months since i saw you and there has been nothing absolutely nothing not a line of your handwriting to bring me something of yourself it is very hard Paris April 21st 1895 the 21st of April what joyful memories it recalls to me five years ago today we were happy four years and a half of perfectly contented and delightful existence passed by we knew only happiness then all at once the frightful slipping away of all have i not always told you i had no unfulfilled wishes that i possessed all and now i have not but wishes i cry to god with unceasing supplications that this year may bring our happiness back to us that our honor that has been stolen from us may be restored that you may find once more joy and strength Paris April 24 1895 so far i have received nothing from you my heart is crushed each morning i hope and wait each evening i lie down with the same disappointment ah my poor heart how it is torn Paris April 25 1895 i have just passed the most terrible day of my life a newspaper has announced that you are ill what i endured on reading this is beyond all description to feel that you were there ill and alone not to have even the comfort of caring for you it was agony my soul was whelmed in darkness and in my distraction i appealed to the minister of colonies the news was false when will your first letter reach me i wait for it with childish impatience Paris May 5 1895 the letter i have been expecting from you with such impatience ever since your arrival has not yet come ever since i have known that the French mail was in since the 23rd of April my heart beats fast at the postman's every visit and each time i have the same disappointment it is the same way with my permit to go to join you the minister of colonies has not yet answered my two successive demands which date from the month of February what am i to do what to think your little pierre every evening praise ardently that you may return soon the poor little fellow so accustomed to have everything in life smile on him does not understand why his wishes are not respected he repeats his prayer twice for fear that he has not said it well enough Paris May 9 1895 at last i have received a letter from you i cannot tell you what joy i felt and how my heart throbbed at the site of your dear writing at the reading of the first lines from you which have reached me since your arrival that is since two months ago i share your suffering lucy continuation of my diary Saturday July 6 1895 always this hideous life of suspicion of continual surveillance of a thousand daily pinpricks wrath is hot within me but out of respect for myself i give no outward sign of my feelings Sunday July 7 1895 the convicts have finished their labor at last so yesterday and today i have washed my towels cleansed my dishes with hot water and mended my linen which was an impitiable state when state july 10 1895 every kind of vexation is being resumed worse than ever i can no longer walk around my hut i cannot sit down behind it in view of the sea the only place where it is a little cool and where there is shade finally i am put on convict diet that is no more coffee and no more sugar a bit of bread of inferior quality every day twice a week 250 grams half a pound of meat possibly this new regime will also bring with it the suppression of the can provisions i receive from cayenne very well i shall no longer leave my hut i shall live on bread and water and make that last as long as it will friday june 12 1895 it seems that it is not the convict rations which are given me but special rations for myself also that i may continue to get from cayenne some canned goods but all this is trivial it is the nerves and brain and heart that really suffer i can no longer sit in the only place where there is a little shade where the sea breeze blowing full in my face would echo in vibrations of my thought same day evening i have received my canned provisions from cayenne the modern they make me endure is too fearful it is their duty to guard me to prevent my going away if so be that i have ever shown the intention for the only thing i seek and wish is my honor but i am followed everywhere all i do is a matter of suspicion and rebuke when i walk they say i am tiring out the guard who must accompany me and if i say that i will not leave my hut they threaten to punish me but in the end the day of light will come sunday july 14 1895 i have looked at the tricolor flag floating everywhere the flag i have loyally served my pen falls from my fingers some feelings cannot be expressed in words into section seven