 Eve Arden, the romances have flourished behind the ivy-covered walls of an institution of learning. But to our Miss Brooks, who teaches English at Madison High School, romance is quite a problem. Especially when the object of her attention doesn't seem to return her affection. It isn't that Mr. Boynton doesn't return my affection. It's just that he never even borrows it. Last Friday morning at breakfast, I told my landlady of my latest disappointment. Can you imagine, Mrs. Davis, just as we were leaving school yesterday, he broke our date for this afternoon. Oh, that's too bad, Connie. Did he give any reason? Oh, just some vague excuse about having to go down to the biology supply house. What burns me up is the fact that I had such great, I had such great plans. It was to be such an exciting day. Really? Where were you and Mr. Boynton going on your date? To the zoo. That's the one place that might give him the right ideas. What do you mean, Connie? In this weather, you should see those animals huddle together. Oh, well, I might as well forget about it. Maybe you can get Mr. Boynton to take you to the zoo tomorrow, Connie. Not a chance, Mrs. Davis. There's a basketball game at school tomorrow, and you know what a fan Mr. Boynton is. He wouldn't miss that game for anybody. Of course, he told me that I could tag along if I wanted to. If you'll pardon me for saying so, Connie, I think you've just hit upon the root of all your difficulty. Mr. Boynton takes you too much for granted. Do you really think so? Definitely. All he has to do is pucker up and whistle, and you're right there. All he has to do is pucker up and I'm right there. But you may have something, Mrs. Davis. He does sort of take me for granted. Of course he does. Now, the best way to arouse him, though, would be to have somebody else interested in you. Almost anybody would do. It's the old dog in the manger theory. Well, there's a collie down the block that's crazy about me. I mean a man, Connie, if you could just get some man interested in you. For your information, Mrs. Davis, Mr. Donnelly is vitally interested in me right now. Mr. Donnelly? The credit manager of Sherry's department store. Of course I don't hear from him until the first of the month. I'm serious, Connie. If you don't have another man on the string, you've just got to be more reserved with Mr. Boynton. You're absolutely right. If I act more aloof, he may become more attentive. It's worth a try, anyway. It certainly is, dear. Then I'll do it. From now on, I'll have a new attitude. I'll be polite, but withdrawn, courteous, but cool. Would you answer the phone, please, dear? I've got to clear away these dishes. All right, Mrs. Davis. It's me, Ms. Burke, and I see you're from the store early in the morning. Is there something you want me coming out of here for you? Anything? Is there? Huh? Anything? No. It's impossible. Whole life, but it's wrong. Davis, clear away the dishes. Ms. Burke, as you know, I usually walk to the store, but I just have to tell them that my alarm clock is quite slow. And that isn't all. I mean, so what can I do to help? Well, you can start playing against me when Walter N. talks with you. Otherwise, I'll be late. His back feet are always loaded with sports equipment. Just so we'll probably have to squeeze into the truck together. You don't have to tell me. We'll pick you up. Happy to give me this lift, Walter. Yeah, the loyal son of Madison is a privilege to serve my faculty. Choice members of the faculty is Ms. Brooks and yourself, Mr. Boynton. Well said, old loyal son. I have always contended that a pupil cannot be on too friendly a footing with his instructors. Especially when his tests start this week. Yeah, please, Ms. Brooks, let's not talk shop. Hey, what do you think of our basketball team's chances against Oakmont tomorrow, Mr. Boynton? Well, frankly, Walter, I don't know much about the Oakmont team. The big game with Clay City's coming up in a few weeks, and the team has got to go into that with some confidence. Well, that's a big problem, I'm afraid. We've lost 10 straight, haven't we? Yes, sir. That is, we've lost 10 straight this year. All together, we've run our losing streak up to 39. 39. It would be more, but we tied the last game of 1952. About tomorrow, Mr. Boynton. I only wish we could get some kind of a line on this Oakmont team. So far, all we know is that it's the first season they've let a team go out of town for a game. Well, Oakmont's quite a distance away, isn't it? Well, a couple hundred miles, I guess. Harriet Conklin told me that her dad invited them right after he read that they've lost 11 games in a row. Holy cow, while I was chattering about the ball game, I must have slowed the car down. We're two minutes late. Gosh, I hope Mr. Conklin is busy in his office. Well, we can find out soon enough. Harriet's just going in now. Come on. We'll go in with her. Hey, Harriet, wait up a minute. Oh, hi, Walder. Hello, Miss Brooks, Mr. Boynton. Tell me, Harriet, is your dad safely in his office? Well, he should be. He left home quite early this morning. Well, let's not take any chances. I suggest we file in quietly one at a time. My goodness, just because we're a few minutes late is no reason to get so panicky. Well, I know daddy's pretty strict sometimes, but he's not an ogre. Quiet, everybody. We're passing his cave now. Golly, we're all human. Daddy knows that. Now, there's no necessity for everybody being so jumpy and nervous. Good morning, folks. I'm glad you're not jumpy and nervous, Harriet. Can I put you down now? We would have been here on time, Mr. Conklin. What's the little time among friends? Will you come into my office? Said the spider to the flies. The reason we're late, Mr. Conklin... Everyone's late once in a while. We're only human after all. Come on into the office and sit down, please. There we are. Now we can chat comfortably. Folks, I have a favor to ask of you. I never would have guessed it. What can we do for you, Mr. Conklin? Name it and it's yours, Ovalove Principal. Ours not to reason why. Ours but to do. Down, boy. Now, as you know, Oakmont is 200 miles from here. As you also know, the last basketball game our team won occurred in 1952. And a thrilling victory it was. Our opponent's bus was caught in a blizzard and we won by default. Exactly. And Jason Brill, Clay said his obnoxious principle has never let me forget it. That's why I scanned the records very carefully and chose the Oakmont team as our next opponent. What a master stroke. What a worthy opponent. What a losing streak. Unfortunately, they have no budget in their athletic fund which provides for expenses when the team is away from home. But I took the liberty of wiring their coach that they would have a place to stay overnight. Where? With you. Huh? Oh, not, not you alone, Miss Brook. They'll be billeted with those of our faculty and student body who have the true school spirit and an unshakable pride in the achievements of Madison's athletes. Well, I'll take a couple of the guys. We can put up cops in my room. To you, Miss Brook, we'll go the honor of playing hostess to the coach of the team, Billy Shaw. Billy Shaw? Well, just a moment, Mr. Conklin. In the interest of propriety, you think Miss Brook should harbor a basketball coach under her roof? Well, Mrs. Davis will be there, won't she? And I happen to know that they have a spare room. Mr. Conklin, did you say the coach's name is Billy Shaw? Is that right? Does he spell Shaw with one H? I imagine so. Well, fancy that. My old boyfriend has come home to roost. Your boyfriend? Oh, he went together for four years during high school. We've never stopped corresponding even though he moved up to Oakmont to coach this team. Well, this is what I call a romantic coincidence. Yeah, a mighty shunt one, too. You never mentioned this Billy Shaw to me, Miss Brooks. You never asked me about him. If I may shunt Dan Cupid to one side for just a moment. I'd like to inform you that their train arrives at noon. Be sure to get home in time to greet your old flame, Miss Brooks. Oh, good old Billy. He's been after me since we were kids. Oh, but one thing, Mr. Conklin, how will he know he's to come to my place? I've advised him of that already, Miss Brooks. You see, I had a feeling you'd cooperate. If I may say so myself, very few principals enjoy the easygoing democratic relationship with their faculty that I do. You're so right. It gives me such a sense of security. Ever since I've known you, I've had the feeling that you'd never sell me to another master, Sahib. But lunchtime, I hurried home to await the arrival of Billy Shaw, Oakmont's basketball coach and my imaginary ex-sweetheart. Mrs. Davis didn't mind having an extra lodger at all. In fact, when I told her how Mr. Boynton had reacted to the suggestion, she was delighted. That's wonderful, Connie. This is just what you needed to shake Mr. Boynton's complacency. Wouldn't it be great if the Oakmont coach turned out to be tall, dark and handsome and gets interested in me himself? That would make Mr. Boynton sit up and take notice. If the coach is tall enough, dark enough, handsome enough and interested enough, who needs Mr. Boynton? Now I'm going to put some towels in the spare room. Oh, don't go, Mrs. Davis. That must be Mr. Shaw. Well, let him in, Connie. Don't be nervous. I just know that you two are going to have a long and wonderful life together. Well, if it's all the same to you, Mrs. Davis, I'll take a look at his face first. Hello. Miss Brooks in? I'm Miss Brooks. Oh, I'm so glad to know you. Mr. Compton wired me to come here directly from the station. I'm Billy Shaw. I can get up by myself. This scatter rug is so slippery. So, you're Billy Shaw. Of course. Miss Brooks, you were expecting me, weren't you? Yes. Yes, I was, but in a slightly different shape. Well, I know I'm a rather tall person. Oh, that's not the difference I had in mind. Come in, won't you? Put down your bag, Miss Shaw. Or is it Mrs. Shaw? Miss, I'm single. So am I, more than ever. Well, please forgive me if I don't seem to be making much sense, but I'm still quite surprised. Surprised? Due to circumstances beyond your control, I was expecting a male, Billy Shaw. What makes you think I'd be a man, Miss Brooks? After all, there are very few men coaching girls' basketball teams. Girls' basketball teams? Yes. Oakmont is a girls' school. But Miss Shaw, how did you happen to accept Mr. Conklin's invitation to play Madison? Well, frankly, Miss Brooks, our team hasn't been doing it all well. But when I looked up Madison's record, I said to myself, Billy, this is one team you're a cinch to beat. It should be a very interesting game. Well, the room's already, Connie, and who's this? This, Mrs. Davis, is the coach of the Oakmont basketball team, meet Billy Shaw. Come on, this scatterrod. I don't mean to be inhospitable, Miss Shaw, but it's just that we didn't expect such a lady-like gentleman. That's that first name of mine, I guess. But isn't it a bit unusual for a lady to be coaching a basketball team? Not a girls' basketball team. Oakmont is a girls' school. While you're explaining, Miss Brooks, would you mind if I went to my room, it's been quite a long trip. Oh, how thoughtful of me. Whatever you are, you're entitled to be tired. Come, I'll take you to your room. Don't bother, just tell me where it is. It's right down the hall. How far? Three dribbles and a foul shot. I'd help you get straightened out, Miss Shaw, but I've got to get back to school for my afternoon classes. I understand, Miss Brooks. I'll probably see you later on. Thanks for everything. I'll give you a hand as soon as I see Connie off to school. Come on, dear, you'd better hurry or you'll be late. But, Mrs. Davis, how can I face Mr. Boynton? I told him that Billy Shaw was an old boyfriend of mine. Please, Connie, be calm. How can I be calm? What'll I do if Mr. Boynton finds out that not only is Billy Shaw not an old boyfriend, but isn't even an old boy? Good day, boys and girls. See you tomorrow. What is it, Walter? I just heard a most alarming rumor that the Oakmont basketball team is composed exclusively of girls. I don't know how exclusive they are, but they're girls, all right. Miss Brooks, what's your ex-sweetheart doing coaching a girl's team? My ex-sweetheart? Oh, you mean Billy Shaw. Well, a lot of things have happened since I saw Billy... Walter, it is opinion of you, Hazy. His attitude's the same, isn't it? I mean, well, he hasn't changed, Hazy. Overall, he's changed all over. Billy Shaw is a woman. Look, Walter, this is a rather personal matter, but when I said the Oakmont coach was an old boyfriend, I did it for a definite reason. I know, and if I got a bulletin for you, Miss Brooks, your definite reason's coming over to your house tonight. What? Before he left for the biology supply house, Mr. Boynton told me to tell you. He said he didn't want to bother you while you were in your class. Oh, but this is awful, Walter. He'll find out that Billy is a woman. He doesn't have to. All you've got to do is get her out of the way. But she's staying with us, sleeping over. Well, then make her go to sleep right after dinner. Use the old power of suggestion. If you and Mrs. Davis act sleepy enough, maybe she'll fold early. Well, it's worth a try, I guess. But believe me, Walter, if she doesn't fold early, I will. When my fictitious sweetheart, Billy Shaw, turned out to be a woman instead of a man, my hoax seemed destined to fail. Since Mr. Boynton was due over that evening, discovery was almost certain. Unless Mrs. Davis and I could persuade Billy to retire before he arrived. The opportunity came as we were finishing dinner. Oh, that was a lovely dinner, Mrs. Davis. I enjoyed every bit of it. Oh, it was good, Mrs. Davis. Well, let's get to bed. To bed? Of course. Oh, I was so sleepy I could hardly finish my dessert. Me neither, Connie. And it's no wonder. Do you realize it's 8.30 already? No. You always go to bed at 8.30? Only when we have company. We usually hit the sack about 7.45. Except weekends, of course. Then we like to turn in early. Well, I'll stack the dishes, Mrs. Davis. If you'll start turning out the lights. Well, just a minute. Do you mind if I sit up in the living room and read for a while? I'm still wide awake. Wide awake? What is it? Coffee nerves? No, I'm just not sleepy. Perhaps if I took a little walk. Wonderful. That's a great idea. Why don't you just slip through the back door? Wait, I'll grease it for you. I'll open it for you. That's all right. I'll just wander through your garden and stroll around town. Take a nice long stroll. We'll leave a light for you on the porch. Thanks, Mr. Brooks. See you in the morning. Well, she's out of the way. Yes, indeed. That's one down and one to go. Oh, oh, you mean me. I'll just clear away these dishes and go into my sitting room for a good long night. Never mind the dishes, Mrs. Davis. That must be Mr. Boyden. Please go into your sitting room right now. I'll let him in. All right, Connie. I'll be out of the way in the jiffy. I'll be right there, Mr. Boyden. Boyden, well, this is a surprise. Surprise? You knew it was I before you opened the door, Miss Brooks. That was just a lucky guess. Come on in, Mr. Boyden. I dropped by for two reasons, Miss Brooks. The first to explain about breaking our date this afternoon was vital that I go downtown to the supply house. Oh, that's all right. I kept pretty busy today myself. The second reason was to help you welcome the Oakmont Basketball Coach. Bill? Oh, I'm afraid that's impossible, Mr. Boyden. Why? He's here, isn't he? Oh, yes, he's here all right. I've been entertaining him in Mrs. Davis' sitting room, but he doesn't want to see anybody else this evening. You see, he's very shy. He's shy? Never heard of it, huh? He's so shy that he didn't even want Mrs. Davis around while he and I were together. Catch on. You mean you're in this house alone with Billy Shaw? Ain't I wicked? Excuse me a minute, Mr. Boyden. I've got to see if Billy wants anything. I'll just be a minute. But, Miss Brooks... Just wait in the hall, Mr. Boyden. I'll come back and see you to the door. Wonderful it is to see you again, my dear. But you just left me, Connie. Quiet, Mrs. Davis. Mr. Boyden's out in the hall. I want him to think Billy's in here. An old school chum dropped by Billy, but I'm sure he won't stay very long. Then I'll come right back to you. Huh? Oh, you bad boy. Hand me the scissors, please, Connie. Oh, but you mustn't. You really mustn't say things like that. What do you want me to do? Bite this yarn off? I'm going now, Billy, but it'll just be for a moment. Are you nice and comfy? Good. Au revoir, monsieur. Now, as I was saying, Mr. Boyden. Mr. Boyden, where are you? Oh, hi, Miss Brooks. While you were in with your friend, I went out to the kitchen for a drink of water. Oh, fine. Well, here we go again. Did you call me, Billy? I didn't hear anything. You're not listening right. Please wait right here, Mr. Boyden. I'll just be a moment. It's just an old school chum, dear. You can meet him tomorrow. Is there anything I can get for you, Bill? Yes, the scissors, please. I left her all fuzzy from this yarn. Please, Mrs. Davis, you're not cooperating. Oh, now, Billy, you mustn't. You haven't changed a bit, you devil. Of course I feel the same way I used to, but, Billy, we mustn't. We shouldn't. No, I will not sit down on the couch with you. Oh, come on. I can't. Please, don't. What's that, Bill? For me? But it's too beautiful. A platinum wristwatch with ruby hands and emerald numbers. A wait one moment, dearest. I'll say good night to my school chum. Now, I don't like to rush you, Mr. Boyden. Well, I was just about to leave, Miss Brooks. I couldn't help overhearing some of your conversation. Just some of it? I mean, you're not peeved, are you, Mr. Boyden? Well, certainly not. We didn't have any date for tonight. I decided to turn in early because... Oh, I didn't know you had Tony, Miss Brooks. Oh, that's all right. Good night. And such distinguished-looking company. Your door is the second one on the right. Now, if you'll follow me down the hall, Mr. Boyden. Please, Miss Brooks, aren't you being a bit impolite? My name is Philip Boyden, Miss... I'm Billy Shaw. I'm Billy Shaw. I coach the Oakmont basketball team. You coach the Oakmont basketball team? Once you crawl under these scatter rugs, they're very comfortable. I'm one of our show, Eve Arton. And so I fouled myself right out of the game, and Coach Billy Shaw is still in there making points. What a headache. Honest to our work in Al Lewis with the music of Lud Bluskin. Mr. Conklin was played by Gail Gordon. Others in tonight's cast were Jane Morgan, Dick Crenna, Bob Rockwell, Gloria McMillan, and DJ Thompson.