 Well, hello and welcome to Understand Men Now. I'm Johnathan Asley of johnathanasley.com and I'm so excited to be doing this live stream for you today. Our topic, Men Are Not All In, because this is missing in your relationship. Now really quickly, before we get started, if you're brand new to my YouTube channel, please hit the subscribe button, hit the bell so you can be notified of new videos. And if any time during this video, the content resonates with you, please hit that like button so I can be seen in the YouTube algorithm. Really quickly, my coaching is what I call heart-centered radical honesty. It's direct, a little tough love and a lot of heart. Occasionally I use expletives to a handsome sentence and an F-bomb or two aren't your thing, then I highly recommend logging off right now. One last thing I wanna say, these are merely my perceptions, my opinions by no way stretch of means. I am saying that this is the truth. You have to decide the truth for yourself. These are just merely my perceptions and my opinions about men dating, mating or relating. All right, let's jump into why men are not all in because this is missing in your relationship. Now, I wanna say something that I've noticed in most dating, in the dating, mating and relating realm for those in the 40, 50, 60 year old category, which is midlife. And midlife is after baby making years and before retirement. So my average client or audience is between the age of 42 and 69. And I'm saying this because there's a big difference between people that are in their 40s, 50s and 60s versus in their 20s and 30s. Most people in their 20s and 30s when they're seeking a mate, whether it's a man or woman they're most likely looking for a partner longterm to make babies with and raise a family. I'm gonna repeat that, make babies with and raise a family. So the mindset that goes into choosing a mate to make babies with and raise a family is a lot different than mating in your 40s, 50s and 60s. And part of that reason is the vast majority of people who are single looking for love in their 40s, 50s and 60s are divorced. Let me repeat that, the vast majority of people in their 40s, 50s and 60s looking for a life partner for a companion for someone to be with is most likely divorced. In fact, I say this from an anecdotal perspective. I wanna say roughly 75% of people in that age bracket are divorced. And that comes with it a lot of different stuff we sometimes call that baggage or luggage that makes it quite different for someone in their 20s and 30s. So I'm differentiating this because we really have to look at dating, mating or relating, not only based on gender the differences between men and women and also how we evolve as time goes on. And one of the challenges for mating in midlife is from what I've witnessed from a lot of women telling me their biggest frustration with men, centers around men who are emotionally unavailable, men who are commitment phobic, men who don't have their act together and the list can go on and on. So it's kind of interesting if the number one search term for women is centered around why are men commitment phobic? Why do men ghost? Why do men disappear? Wouldn't you wanna understand the why this happens before you invest your time, energy and resources into a man? Wouldn't that make sense? And yet sadly most human beings, men and women alike focus on chemistry as being the indicator of relationship success. I'm gonna repeat that. I'm gonna focus on chemistry as the indicator of relationship success. And what we've learned for us people that are in the human behavior field, if you will, not the dating and relationship field because listen, I know I criticize a lot of dating advice out there because it's basically superficial based. It's based on ego. It's based to pandering ego, not looking at human beings from a human behavior perspective. So, oh, I gotta turn off the my, what's your my call it? My vibrator on my phone. Anyway, so, and if you're not familiar with my relationship iceberg and for those on Instagram there it is but from those on YouTube, my relationship iceberg as you can see above the waterline it says the word attraction and below the waterline is compatibility. Now the tip of the iceberg is chemistry. It's the first thing you see when you're traveling down the water whether or not you have chemistry or not what's below the waterline is what matters most in dating mating or relating to that shared values, blendable lifestyles and emotional maturity. I'm gonna repeat that shared values, blendable lifestyle and emotional maturity. Now you might be wondering, Jonathan why do you repeat yourself over and over and over again on your videos? Well, the part of it is is because I want this it's how do you listen there's an old saying, you know how do you get to Carnegie Hall practice, practice, practice. What this means is I'm drilling this into your head over and over and over again because what's the definition of insanity? It's doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. What I'm doing is ejecting the different results so you don't have to do the same thing over and over again. So let's go back to commitment phobic man, men who are emotionally unavailable that sort of thing. Here's the thing about the challenge with most relationships today in midlife is that they're basically casual relationships. They're basically casual relationships because there's not that need to make babies and raise a family with somebody. And quite frankly, as people age they come to their life with a lot more luggage. So one of the challenges is that blendable lifestyle piece. How can you blend your lives together? And this is where a lot of couples are struggling because this one thing is missing in relationship. Now, what's interesting is I'm gonna go ahead and tell you what this thing is missing is commitment, commitment. Now, if you go and Google the definition of commitment and I invite you all, if you're watching the replay right now to hit pause and go to Google and look up the word commitment because there's two definitions of commitment. One is that people are engaged in a common cause, a common cause, a common activity, a common cause. And commitment also means a restriction of freedom, a restriction of freedom. And for many men, the idea of commitment feels like a restriction of freedom. Now, let me just give you an example of a restriction of freedom where you made it. So let's just say you were got invited to a birthday party, your niece or nephew's birthday party this weekend for one of your siblings. And you said, yes, you made a commitment to go but you really don't feel like going. You just, you so don't wanna go but you made a commitment. Well, that feels like a restriction of freedom but that's one definition of commitment is that we're doing something we don't wanna do. Now, most of us and especially women think of commitment from a different perspective. They think of something that men want to do. And there's a reason why men are a little less reluctant to do commitment because there's the flip side of that restriction of freedom. So you have to give them a reason to want to commit first and foremost. It has to be, there has to be a good reason for both of you to want to commit. And that's what we're gonna lean into today because listen, a lot of you are in situationships, you're in friends with benefits, you're in long distance relationships. These are relationships that oftentimes rarely go anywhere. They go nowhere. They go anywhere or nowhere, whichever one you pick. I wanna help you lean into what's it gonna take for a guy to be all in. So he can lean into the relationship so you don't have to sit back in your feminine energy and pretend you can actually be co-creative in your relationship together. So I'm gonna share with you the five things that really must happen before a guy is going to be all in. And I call these five things the roots to trust, the roots to trust, the roots to trust. In other words, roots, roots to a tree. I want you to think of a tree in a hurricane wind without roots. What's gonna happen to that tree in a hurricane wind that doesn't have roots? It's gonna blow over. Well, this is one of the reasons why so many relationships fail because they don't build the roots to trust, the roots to commitment, to actually sustain the friction that's most likely going to happen in a relationship. And every relationship is gonna have some bumps and friction along the way. The idea that it's all just magical and everything is just gonna magically work out because if we have chemistry, everything magically works out. If we go back to the relationship iceberg, again, just a reminder, shared values, blendable lifestyles and emotional maturity is what makes a relationship go the distance. But I'm gonna help you get there by developing the roots to trust. So the first root to trust is emotional connection, emotional connection. If you're not familiar with the book, the five love languages, the five love languages, I highly recommend reading this book to determine which is your love language and determine your partner's love language. You can actually do a test online. How we connect at an emotional level is are we speaking the same language to each other on an emotional level? And oftentimes couples are mismatched on their love language and they have no awareness on what each other's love language is, so they're not actively speaking to their partner at an emotional level. And what happens when you're not speaking to your partner on an emotional level, you're not developing the roots to trust, you're not developing the roots to commitment that makes you wanna stay in the relationship versus those relationships that are casual. Oftentimes people who are seeking casual relationship want connection and sex, they want that connection with another human being, they want sex, but they're not capable of going any deeper nor do they have a wherewithal about going deeper and this is why I teach this to women. And the reason being is ladies, most guys out there are winging it, they're winging it, they're winging it. They have no clue how to do this because they haven't studied relationships, certainly not like I have and many of you haven't studied relationships at a deeper level. This is why I highly recommend everybody ordering two copies of the book, Eight Dates by Doctors John and Julie Gottman. Purchase two copies, one for him, one for you. And before the penis gets to go inside the vagina, you should be reading these books along with my book, What the Heck is Self Love Anyway. I'm gonna pitch my book right now. By the way, there's a link below to copies of my book and Jonathan recommends books as well. I gotta talk about that in a second but I'm gonna go into these five routes. So the second route is economic agreement, economic agreement. Listen, I all know how many of you have been indoctrinated in the traditional expectation that men are the leaders of the relationship. Men do all the paying, men do all the work because that's the way we're indoctrinated for throughout eons. But that's certainly changed a lot and one of the challenges, if you actually look at the number one cause of divorce, actually the one and two number one, the number one and number two cause divorce, I'll talk about number two in a second. Number one is money issues. That's right, money issues. Couples complain about money all day long. So if you're not on the same page when it comes to money, and I know it's all great that you love the idea that men pray for everything, but believe me, the average human being here in the United States makes less than $100,000 a year. It takes two incomes to make a relationship work. So one of the reasons why a lot of men or women aren't all in in the early stage of dating, mating or relating is because they're mismatched from a financial perspective and they haven't discussed the economics of a relationship to make it work. And it's naive to think otherwise. This is where a lot of couples, they stuff their feelings under the rug and they don't talk about these things because they're afraid it's going to upset the apple cart. And guess what happens? It's one of the primary reasons why people get divorced and it's one of the reasons why a lot of relationships break up, but you don't even know about it because it's never discussed. Let me go back to this book, Eight Dates by Doctors John and Julie Gottman. These are eight important conversations to have, one of which has to do with money and work. If you're not on the same page on an economic basis, it's going to make it very difficult to blend lives together and then eventually have a strong bond with one another that you can't break. So it's, and when I said earlier, men are just winging it, ladies. Listen, you purchase these books 10-fold greater than men. You're more educated on the mechanics of a relationship more so than men. And this is where I say men, you oftentimes want men to be their leaders of the relationship. Well, here's the thing, you're giving the job to the wrong person. You are in charge of your relationship destiny and how do you do it? By setting the example, by leading by example, by setting your standards and then having your boundaries to go with it. And what I'm here today is to help you set up some standards. Okay, number three is social activities, hobbies and mutual interests. Social activities, hobbies and mutual interests. This is how you develop deeper roots into a relationship. Do you know, most couples site, most happily married couples say, I married my best friend. I married my best friend. Well, how do two people become best friends? They do shit together. They have social activities, the hobbies, they go hiking together. Maybe they go to stand up paddle board like a lot of people do here. Maybe they go to museums together. Maybe they play tennis together. Maybe they played bridge together. Maybe they played, does anyone play bridge anymore? Maybe they played backgammon together like my mom and dad did for my entire life. They played backgammon almost every night after my dad had dinner with the family. He went outside and they played backgammon with my mom and I'm gonna tell you something. They play for a dollar a game and you thought it was World War three. Okay, so social activities, hobbies, mutual interests. This is how we develop deeper roots in a relationship. This is why I'm not a big advocate for many of you that are exploring long distance relationships because you're not doing stuff together that actually builds the roots to trust. Many of you believe that men fall in love over the telephone. Men don't fall in love over the telephone or Skype or Zoom. They don't. We fall in love with doing stuff with our partner. This is how we eventually become all in and the more deeply rooted you are in social activities, hobbies and mutual interests, the greater chance you have for relationship success. Number four is spending time with family and friends. Spending time with family and friends. When we spend time with our family and friends, our community, we feel like we're inviting somebody into our family, that's a deep, deep root that builds strength in your relationship so that makes someone want to be all in. Ladies, as I said before, men aren't thinking about this. Very few men are thinking about this. So now that I've planted these things and then the fifth one in a moment, my hope is you actually start being more intentional in the dating process. You start being more intentional in the relationship process. So you stop picking the wrong people. In fact, one of the things I help women is helping them ask the right questions based on their personality to choose suitable partners. And if you need help with that, check out the link below to a free discovery call to see if working with the coach is right for you. It's a schedule a call with me. All right, and that fifth and important route is intimacy, intimacy. Now, if money is cited as the number one reason or one or two reasons, then sex and intimacy is the second reason why most divorces happen. That many women complain that that's their number, many women have said that's their number one complaint is that there's no intimacy in the relationship and men's greatest complaint is that there's no sex in the relationship and intimacy is both physical and emotional intimacy. So it's naive not to actually address these things right from the get-go instead of the fantasy realm that if we have chemistry, everything will magically work out. And if we play stupid games like the book, The Rules, like the rules teaches you nothing but stupid games to manipulate people into temporarily liking you. Let me repeat that. This book temporarily gets someone to like you temporarily, but it doesn't hold weight. If you really wanna go the distance and build the deepest roots in relationship, then I highly recommend reading Barbara DeAngelo's book. Are you, or excuse me, How to Make Love All the Time? How to Make Love All the Time? So you can understand the mechanics to how to actually build those deeper roots of trust that makes a man or a woman to want to be all in. Because what's missing in today's relationships today from men and women alike is a lack of real commitment to the process of getting to know one another at a deeper level. I'm gonna repeat that. There's a lack of commitment to want to get to know someone a deeper level because the reality is is most people are seeking superficial or casual relationships. And my hope is if you wanna go deeper than superficial or casual, then you start showing up as an adult in relationship. And if you're not familiar with this book, How to Be an Adult in Relationship, I highly recommend reading this because that's what I see missing in most dating, mating or relating situations. And this is true of men and women alike. So just as a reminder, how are men all in? Hey, there's gonna have to be an intentionality to commitment and intentionality to develop the roots of trust that make you want to be all in with this person. And if not, maybe choose a person that wants to be all in and do these things to build those roots of trust. Is this sinking in, is this resonating? Please let me know, hit that like button, give me a wave on Instagram, let me know that this is sinking in or give me a heart or post a comment below. All right, this would be a perfect place to take questions now. If you're watching the live stream right now, there's a chat box to write questions, simply write the word question and then post your question thereafter. So it's easier for me to read. If you ask a personal question, write the word personal question and ask me a question as well. I cover those as well. Also, you can purchase a super sticker or super chat, only for those that are on the live stream right now. This, the money's from the super sticker, super chats goes to a scholarship fund to defray the cost of personal development. That scholarship front is in the name of my son, Connor Asley, for those who know my son passed away and in his honor and in his name, I've created this scholarship fund and I wanna thank Doug right now for purchasing a super sticker. I really appreciate that for 9.99. So again, if you wanna do that, all the funds collected go to a scholarship fund. All right, this would be a great place to start taking questions and we looks like Doug says after purchasing a super sticker, no question, but great topic, just a small down payment on all the great content in the works. Well, for you guys, thank you so much. I really appreciate that, Doug. All right, Sadie posts a question. Question, Jonathan, I only like men who don't want me. When a man likes me, I don't want him anymore. Is this common dating experience? Oh my God, I love this question. I wanna just read it really quickly. Jonathan, I only like men who don't like me. When I like men, I don't want him anymore. Is this a common dating experience? Yes, this is a very common dating experience. What's interesting, I have a video coming out, I think tomorrow that addresses this, it's when I had already shot, but I wanna address something deeper here for a moment. And what you say is you choose men that don't like you. What's most likely happening is you're experiencing something called the amago, the amago, and if you're not familiar with the work of Harvelle Hendricks and Helen Hunt, Harvelle Hendricks and Helen Hunt, I highly recommend getting the book called Getting the Love You Want by these authors. And what this goes into is the understanding that we oftentimes fall in love or choose people who are very similar to one or both of our parents in our lives. We oftentimes choose people whose personality was either something that was within our parents or something that was missing in our parents. And we're trying to relive that experience to make some sort of amends or it's because it's familiar, we choose people that are oftentimes like one or both of our parents that are not necessarily compatible with us. So the reason why you're choosing men that don't like you, it's quite possibly that reason. There's also another reason why you might be choosing men like that. And this has to do with love attachment style, love attachment style. And if you're not familiar with the book Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, I highly recommend reading this because oftentimes the minute we have sex with a person, we become attached to them both on a biological level but also an emotional level. And depending on your attachment style, you might be choosing somebody on a subconscious basis as an opportunity for you to love yourself. But yet we don't get this because we're thinking, but I love them so much. In fact, I've noticed that women completely oftentimes give their power away to men. Let me repeat that. I've recognized that women oftentimes give their power away to men. Now, some of you ask, what does that look like giving your power away? Well, I'm glad you asked. In fact, I have a little worksheet that describes that. And if you didn't watch my video called The Seven Ways Women Give Their Power Away to a Man, I'm gonna share this with you. One is the relationship is on his terms. Let me repeat that. The relationship is on his terms. You abandon your standards and your boundaries. Number two, you're afraid to speak your truth with him. You're afraid to speak your truth. Any woman who's afraid to speak their truth to a man means that he has the power in the relationship. And I see this happening over and over and over again. Number three, when the relationship ends, it's all focused on what about him and not about your own emotions about yourself. And number four, you're always waiting for him to contact you instead of, and most of the time because you're seeking validation from him to let you know that he's still interested. Number five, feeling like you can't live without him. These are, I see this happening over and over again. Women are literally leaning into I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself. I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself. I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself. And finally, you think the other person, you think the guy is the only person that you'll ever have chemistry with. Folks, these are just a few ways you give your power away to men. And then you wonder when you're choosing the wrong guy, not in the case of Sadie's, but when you choose the wrong guy, you're lamenting over the wrong guy. Step into your empowerment, step into your self-love. My book is a journey of personal development, self-help and spiritual work. So you don't have to have this happen on a regular basis where you're giving your power away or you're choosing men that don't like you. And if you're done choosing men that don't like you, then stand in your power and start to make better choices. And if you need help making better choices, schedule a free discovery call with me because my area of expertise is all about what I call pre-qualifying your prospect. Pre-qualifying your prospect. In other words, how to choose better men, right? From the get-go and what are the questions you should ask based on your personality to determine if this person is right for you. If you need help with that, then I highly recommend scheduling a discovery call with me. And in this particular case, I'm just gonna tell you most likely, love attachment style, a mago, or you've given your power away. Because when two people meet who are really aligned to who they are and what they want, it's a very magical relationship. If you've never read the book, if you haven't read the book, Spiritual Partnership by Gary Zukoff, Spiritual Partnership by Gary Zukoff, this is what I want everyone to aspire to is something beyond the surface, beyond the surface of the iceberg, going back to the iceberg analogy. Because once you determine you have shared values, blendable lifestyles, and emotional maturity, this waterline of attraction drops so far down that you don't have an iceberg, you have a mountain of a relationship. And when you've heard the phrase, men will move mountains, it's because not only do you have chemistry, you have shared values, blendable lifestyles, and emotional maturity, and those are the relationships that go the distance. Sadie, thank you so much for that. I know I went off on a tangent on that one, and my hope is I give you some insight as to why this might be happening in your life and maybe someone else's as well. Thank you so much for that question, I really appreciate it, big hugs. All right, let's go swimmin'. Catherine says, nice super sticker, Doug, appreciate that. Human Bird says, we do activities together with my partner all the time and he's truly my best friend. We have created so many fun memories doing things together. This is why for those that are stuck on long distance relationships, I'm telling you the challenge with long distance is you're not doing shit together. Monique says, unrequited love, yes. Kelly says, date outside of your type, I totally agree. Catherine says, a great quote for her, he who is not who he think he is, you are who you think he is. Right, I gotta read that again, a great quote for her. He is not who you think he is, you are not who you think he is. Oh, that's interesting Catherine, thank you so much. Great interesting quote, I really appreciate that. All right, Christina writes, question. What is a reasonable time to start becoming intimate? What's a reasonable time to start becoming intimate? Those who know me know, listen, I'm not here to judge. People can have sex on the first date and live happily ever after and people can wait till they get married and have sex and the whole thing blow up within a month. So, the timing isn't, it's not like the book, act like a lady, think like a man, wait 90 days. I have a separate acronym for you, for everyone. And that my acronym is called CARES, C-A-R-E-S, C-A-R-E-S CARES. The C stands for have sex first when you feel comfortable. Don't ever have sex when you don't feel comfortable, whether you feel pressured or not, first have it when you feel comfortable. A stands for be aware of the consequences. If you attach too quickly to someone, be aware of that because you can have sex once and never see a person again and I don't care how long you waited, you could wait at three months had sex and he may not ever wanna see you again. So be aware of the consequences. The R stands for learn his real intentions, his real intentions. Again, my quote, my coaching program is all about teaching you how to pre-qualify your prospect, to learn how to know what his real intentions are. So if you need help with that, again a discovery call with me. The E stands for exclusivity. Look, having sex once, you may never have sex again, but if you're gonna have sex on a regular basis, you have every right to ask for exclusivity. I can't begin to tell you how many women don't do this right from the beginning to determine if you're on the same page. So talk about exclusivity before the penis ever goes inside the vagina. And the S stands for safety. Safety, be safe, whether you need a condom, whether you need to have STD test, be safe. Care, C-A-R-E-S, comfortable, aware, real intentions, exclusivity and safety. That's my acronym for you and I hope that helps. Thank you so much for that question. That was a really good one. All right, let's keep going. Oh, and by the way, as far as the reasonable time, it's whether first date till the day you die, somewhere in between, you gotta decide that for yourself. I'm not here to judge that, that's what you gotta decide for yourself. All right, Tara. And by the way, hate trip on Instagram, I appreciate that. Okay, Tara, question. Hi, Jonathan, so fun seeing you always get feedback that men who are emotionally invested are too paralyzed to approach message me. How do I deal with that? Wait a minute, I always get feedback that men who are emotionally invested are too paralyzed to approach and message me. Well, actually, if someone is emotionally invested, it's quite the opposite. I would say someone who isn't emotionally invested feels paralyzed. Now, I do believe that when, here's the thing, and I'm gonna speak for myself for a second. When I like a person, I get very demonstrative, enthusiastic, infusive, I get really enthusiastic. At the same time, I can feel a bit of fear because as I butt up against that, remember I talked about earlier, commitment feels like a restriction of freedom. There's this leap of faith we have to take. We have to take a leap of faith to go into commitment. And first, we have to go through our series of doubts. Is she the right one for me? Is she not? Anyone who's told you I met the one and I knew it completely and they went overboard, that's rarely happens, okay? Most of the time commitment happens through some level of doubt and we have to overcome our doubts. It might be our doubt around commitment. It might be our doubt around the person. Whatever the doubts are, it might be doubts that we could financially take care of you or we could take care of each other or that we're a good fit for one another. It's natural to feel a little bit paralyzed, just a tiny bit when you like someone. But most guys who are emotionally invested and emotionally ready overcome their doubts. They lean into the relationship. It's only a very short period of time that they're feeling that way. So the way you described your question, I'm thinking what you meant was emotionally unavailable men, emotionally stunted men, aren't more likely to become paralyzed because they don't know how to navigate their own feelings. This is why I'm such a big proponent of men and women alike doing the Hoffman process, doing the Hoffman process. This is a deep dive into healing childhood wounds and traumas that causes many people to become paralyzed in their life. This is 50 hours of work, folks. 50 hours of work. This is gonna take some heavy duty work on your part. I'm getting a lot of emails from women thanking me for recommending this book. I'm gonna go off on a tangent here for a second. I also get a lot of people that complain is Jonathan. All you do is recommend book after book after book. All you're doing is recommend books. You're not giving me any value from these videos. All you care about is pitching other people's books. And I'm like, really? So I'm here to help. I'm here to make changes to, I'm not here to sell. I mean, yes, I sell my book. I make $3 on a book. If 10 of you bought it, I made 30 bucks. Thank you so much, okay, for an hour's worth of work. You can purchase a Super Sticker or Super Chat though. I'm recommending all of this because this is the books that I read to heal myself. I'm here recommending this stuff for you to heal, to look beyond the surface in our lives, to go deeper so we can have a sense of inner peace. You know, when I wrote my book, those who know me know I wrote my book. I began writing it two months after my 19-year-old son passed away. There's Connor. It's because I recognized that I didn't go down the rabbit hole of despair when he passed away. I actually went fairly quickly to acceptance. And what I realized was it was all these books that I've been reading for years that help prepare me. And so self-love is a vaccination to emotional chaos. Self-love is a vaccination to emotional chaos. It's allowing one to be in our power. And as I said earlier, I witnessed women over and over and over again giving their power away to men and then complaining because men don't know how to handle this. You've given them their power. They take advantage of it because you gave it to them and then you blame them for taking advantage of it. And they're taking advantage of it because they're fucking clueless. You are not supposed to give your power away to men. And this is happening in many cases because many men and women alike aren't loving on themselves. So I'm an advocate for personal development, self-help and spiritual work. And if that means I'm recommending books on a regular basis to shake people up, then start fucking, listen, you can hang up, you can turn off this video right now if it bothers you or maybe you might wanna go, hey, Jonathan, what's the definition of insanity? Oh, it's doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. All I'm asking is you to make an investment of one year in your life, reading all these books and coming back to this one, this is 50 hours of work at a minimum. But aren't you worth it? Aren't you worth investing in yourself? If you are worth investing yourself, please put an amen right there or give me a thumbs up to let me know. Thank you for allowing me to vent. I can't even remember the original question. All right, let's keep going. Sal, by the way, Tara, thank you for your question. Sal writes, question, my man has MS. Last month he's been feeling off and I haven't been reciprocating and appreciative. How do I lovingly approach him that I care how he feels and I feel underappreciated? Let's come back to my book. What the heck is self love anyway? Chapter one, speak your truth, do it with kindness. Now, here's the thing, most people communicate in a very toxic way. You're not the one that is in the past. You're not the one that has the right to do it. You're an individual, you're not the one that is in the past. You're not the one that is in the past. You're not the one that is in the past. You're not the one that is in the past. very toxic way when they want something from another human being because they often do it from a form of telling somebody instead of inviting a conversation. This is why I highly recommend reading the book Non-Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. Non-Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. It should have been called Compassionate Communication. Sal, when you're speaking from your heart, you can't say the wrong thing to the right person. What I recommend is reading this book so you can learn how to articulate your feelings in a way you're seen, heard, and understood so you don't have to be in fear because as I said before, you can't say the wrong thing to the right person if it's sincere and from the heart. And that's what I want you to do is start leaning into your heart-centered space instead of saying, you don't appreciate me, you don't appreciate me, you don't appreciate me. Just say, you can simply say, Jim, I just want you to know how much you appreciate me or how much I appreciate you in our relationship. And I know you're going through a hard time right now. And I just want you to know I'm doing my best to make it comfortable for you. And I have a simple request. Could you just acknowledge and let me know that this is making a difference? Can you acknowledge and let me know that my efforts are making a difference for you? It can be as simple as that, Sal. And allow him then to open up from there. All it is is planting a seed and then allow him to water it and nourish it from there. That's all you have to do. And I recommend reading these books. And again, speak your truth, do it with kindness. I hope that helps. Thanks so much. All right. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. Robin says, I took back my power and ended the relationship. Yes, I fucked up and I totally agree with you, John. Yes, your power. Stop giving your power away, women or men and women. Stop giving your power away. Vicki says, self-love in the four agreements. Yes, if you're not familiar with the four agreements, here's the four agreements and then have my book alongside of it, what that could self-love anyway. Great book. Thank you so much for recommending that, Vicki. Oops. Okay. Gabrielle says, question. How do you help an amazing man's insecurities when they don't feel worthy? How do you help an amazing man's insecurities when they don't feel worthy? Gabrielle, it is not your job to help someone who feels insecure. Let me tell you, trying to help someone who feels insecure is going to backfire. You can be a support person, but here's the thing, anyone who's feeling insecurity and doesn't feel worthy is actually a nightmare to be in relationship with. I'm going to repeat that. They're a nightmare to be in relationship with because their lack of self-love is going to bleed onto you. Now you can encourage and suggest buying a book. You can encourage and offer some, you know, a treat to a workshop or something like that, but ultimately he or she has to want to do it herself. I'm going to repeat, by the way, my cup says, swear a little, you'll feel better. Fuck. He's going to have to or she's going to have to, whoever it is, man or woman, is going to have to work on themselves. Let me just tell you something. I've been doing a deep dive into personal development, self-help and spiritual work for over a decade and a half, and I'm just starting to scratch the surface of the belly or of an ant in my awareness level. I'm telling you, men can be in the tunnel as my friend Allison Armstrong talks about it. If you're not familiar with the book, hold on a second, if you're not familiar with the book Queens Code, Queens Code by Allison Armstrong, she talks about, she has something called the PAX program, but she helps women understand that men go through something known as the tunnel, the tunnel. This is also known by Joseph Campbell as the hero's journey. This tunnel can last one to two decades, possibly. Have you ever heard the term midlife crisis? Midlife crisis is where the blueprint of where we thought our life was going to be collides with our reality, the blueprint and our reality collide together. That's called midlife crisis. When someone's going through a midlife crisis, oftentimes they're not in the capacity to actually lean into a healthy, happy relationship because they don't have the foundation below them to be in a healthy, happy relationship. You have to ask yourself, does it make sense to invest in this person, recognizing that someone who has insecurities and a lack of self-worth don't make good partners? I won't date a woman who has, listen, we all have garden variety insecurities. The number one emotional health issue facing most everybody is, I'm not good enough, I'm not lovable, and I'm not likable. I get that. Ultimately, if someone isn't working on them self-love, it could take decades before they actually are in a space to be in a juicy, delicious, healthy, happy relationship. That's just my sad news for you. I just invite you to explore these books to see if it makes sense to even continue to be in relationship with them. I hope that helped. Gabrielle, thank you so much. Right now, I want to thank KS for the Super Sticker of $1.99. I want to thank Blake Mary for the $10 Super Sticker. I also want to thank Gabrielle. She says, thank you for your real answer. It's hard to hear, but I understand what you're talking about. Yes, and thank you for understanding. Like I said before, my coaching is heart-centered, radical honesty, direct, a little tough love and a lot of heart. Thank you so much, Gabrielle. That was a great question. Let's keep swimming. I'm trying to find, if you have a question, write the word question. I'm searching for them. Add the word question and then post your question there after so it's easier for me to find. Blake says, I think the books are great and they are to help you. It's something tangible. It's something extra on the top of these great videos. Thank you, Blake, for recognizing that. I appreciate it. Catherine says, speaking from my experience, I completely agree that you have to spend time together to make a long-distance work. My late husband, I did it, but it takes true intention, sacrifice and commitment. Yes, yes, yes. I agree. Thank you so much. Christina says, maybe start reading and educating yourself. Exactly. Kelly says, self-love just means having boundaries, saying no and being in your feminine energy. By the way, masculine or feminine, being in your empowered energy will offend the wrong people and bring in the right people. Your empowered energy, not penis or vagina energy, empowered energy. Thank you, Kelly. I just had to correct it because everybody knows how I feel about feminine energy leaning back in your feminine. Oh, I crack myself up sometimes. Robin says, amen. All right, if you have a question, post the way. Todd's in here in the house. Thank you, Todd. I appreciate that. Kimberly says, vent away. Love you, J.A. Hugs. I appreciate that. Catherine says, Jonathan's own book and his list of recommended books are great. Yes, at the back of my book, I have a great reading list. If one of your books isn't on your list, I highly recommend this book by Marianne Williamson called Return to Love, Return to Love. By the way, this is the CD version. I highly recommend getting Return to Love. This is a great book to lean into loving on yourself. All right, where did my one book, oh, it must have fell. All right, let's keep going here. Oh, we just got a $20 Super Sticker from Sherry. Thank you so much. All right, do you have a question? Post the word questions. Post the word question and write your question thereafter. Thank you. Oh, here we go, Julia. All right, question. Do you have a channel where you groom the men we hope to meet? Those are who are interested in healing, personal growth. Please teach our future lovers, too. Okay, Julia, great question. So earlier on my Instagram was one of my friends, Max, excuse me, Tripp, he has a company called Tripp Advice. He teaches shy guys how to have the courage to talk to young women. I mean, he mostly focuses on younger people. Here's the thing. Men tend to get advice when it comes to relationships on how to meet women because they are in fear of meeting because, let's face it, asking a woman out is a scary thing for many people to do. Ladies, you don't like masking men out. Think of it from our perspective. We don't like it as well. What I'm here to say, though, is I did the Hoffman. For those who know, I actually did the physical Hoffman process, the physical Hoffman process. It was an eight-day deep dive into my childhood wounds and traumas. Now, why I'm sharing this with you is when I went there, there was 39 people, 20 men and 19 women. I'm going to repeat that, 20 men, 19 women. That wasn't by design. I've gone to dozens of personal development workshops and I can tell you the room is 50% men and 50% women. I've done Abraham Hicks three times. I've done Insight Group three times. I've done, what else have I done? God, I've done so many different personal development workshops and I will tell you it's almost 50-50. Why is that important to know? Here's the thing. Ladies, you oftentimes think it's men aren't doing the work. Men are doing tons of personal development work. We just don't study relationships as much as women. Women purchase these books far greater than men. So, what's the benefit of knowing that is? You get to lead by example. You get to lead by example because here's the thing. Men just need a little bit of training. Men are great at instructions. If you just tell them your standards and your boundaries, we're just going, okay, if we care about you, we'll just follow your lead. It's that simple, but you have to want to do it. No Jonathan, I'm afraid you'll leave me. I'm afraid you'll leave me. I'm afraid you'll leave me if I speak my truth. Why do you want to be in a relationship with a man that if you can't speak up and speak your truth, why do you want to be in relationship with that guy? Folks, men are doing the personal development work. I just happen to study relationships a little bit more than men. By the way, a lot of these books I recommend have been written by men. Not that that means anything. But I'm just saying, it's not singular to women. Men are writing books and talking about this as well. So, I hope that answers your question, Julia. Thank you so much. That was a great question. All right, let's keep swimming. Let's keep swimming. I keep, God, I'm so stuck on that song. All right. All right, Wijin writes, I've been dating my colleague for two weeks. He's been with me through these times while I'm having health difficulty. I need to let him know we aren't a good fit. How do I express kindly and clearly? Oh, great question. So basically, how do you tell someone we're not a good fit? Look, make it easy on yourself. Do it through your text message. I'm saying, folks, I'm a big proponent. A lot of people complain about text, but nobody likes to get on the phone and hearing somebody end a relationship. Sometimes it's just easier to communicate via text messaging. I'm not saying, and by the way, it's only a two week old relationship. So you might just simply say, hey, Tim, I just want you to know how much I really appreciated the time to get to know you. Upon further reflection, I'm just not feeling that we're a good fit for one another. And because I want you to have a great woman in your life, I just wanted to let you know that and I want to wish you all the best on your journey to love. Boom, simple. Now, he might come back argumentative and try to convince you to change, but at least you've established where you're at, okay? Or he might just accept and say, thank you for letting me know, but you won't know unless you try. Simply use the Oreo cooking method, a little bit of sweetness, show your appreciation, give them the feeling and then end with some sweetness. And that's the best way to do it. At least that's my suggestion. Hey, this isn't about right or wrong. This is just one perspective and that's one way I suggest it. So thank you so much for that question. I really appreciate it. All right, we have time for a few more questions. All right. Oh, LaViania. Oh, fuck, I can't even remotely say that name. Ms. Walter. Question, if a guy claims to fall in love after only a few days and all the facts and words seem to match his claims, is it normal? He's 27, younger than me, good looking too, but I feel strange. All right. Folks, let's go back to the relationship iceberg. Chemistry. What he's experiences is lust or limerence, lust or limerence, lust or limerence. Limerence means extreme infatuation and he's feeling lust for you. There is no fucking way he's in love with you. I'm gonna repeat that. There's no fucking way he's in love with you. And you know how I know this? Because if you got sick today, you got deformed, is he gonna stand by your side for the rest of your life? I highly, highly, highly doubt it. Love is there not in the good times. Love is being there through the top times. And this is why you have to develop the roots to trust. It takes time to actually develop the roots to trust to have a healthy, happy relationship. Lust and limerence can happen in a nanosecond. Going back to Marianne Williamson, who I talked about before and returned to love, there's in the CD, she says something to her audience. She says to her audience when she does a big event, she goes, folks, when you meet someone, you have great chemistry. What's the first thing you should do when you meet someone with great chemistry? And the audience is silent. And then at the same time, you hear everybody scream, pray, pray, pray. What she means is you better pray for guidance because when you have amazing chemistry or someone's coming on strong, thinking they love you, you better pray. Because like a rocket ship that takes off with a lot of gas, it's gonna run out the minute the gas runs out because most likely the roots of trust have rarely been built. Immature children, listen, we all have impetuous little children that excite us to get excited. The adult will show up when the limerence or the dopamine fades away. By the way, folks, do you realize that chemistry comes from the word chemical? Chemicals get released in our brain telling us that we like someone. That's right, we like someone. And then the minute we have sex, all of a sudden those chemicals go away. Why do you think men go silent the minute they ejaculate? Because all the chemicals are gone, okay? Real love is built through the hardships in relationship, the difficult times in relationship. That's where real love is built. It's not built on the good times, built through the stepping stones. It's built through the roots of trust, okay? So in this particular case, it might seem all great, but ultimately it's just usually that it's the impetuous little child in us that it's excited about Christmas. But once we get the toy, we're on to the next one and the next one because we haven't built appreciation and the roots of trust which take time to build. And that's where love is built through time, through effort, through emotional connection, economic agreement, social activities, hobbies, mutual interest, spending time with family and friends and intimacy, both physical and emotional intimacy. Just like I talked about in men are not all in because it's missing this. All right, we got time for one more question. Our Marian says, I don't like supporting Amazon. Is there a way to order your book by not ordering it through Amazon? Nope, my book's only on Amazon. So if my book is something you want, I would just recommend purchasing it on Amazon. I don't look at it as an issue. Anyway, that's unfortunately where my book is at. It's also on Audible's, which I don't believe is owned by Amazon. So you may wanna check out Audible's if you want the Audible version. Thank you so much. All right, let's keep swimming. Kellyanne Thomas says, question, how would you contrast or compare emotional maturity with insecurity? First off, every human being has insecurity. Emotional maturity looks like this. Actions matching words, taking personal responsibility for one's choices, learning how to fight fair, empathy, both emotional empathy, with meaning you care for others, you can feel others, you care for others and you care for yourself, and lastly, transparency. Every emotionally mature person has insecurities, an emotionally immature person knows how to navigate their insecurities from a place of victor consciousness and not victim consciousness. And it's simply consciousness when I'm talking about victim consciousness. So that's my answer to your question about emotional maturity and insecurities. Weijin, I wanna thank you so much for the $5. She says, thank you so much. I love you so much, John, that I gather my guts tonight and practice speaking my truth with kindness and practicing my colleague, way to go. All right, question, KS says, should I start dating when I'm still not over my ex? You know, there's an old saying, how do you get over someone start to date someone new? I'm not a big proponent of that. You know what, it takes time to get over an ex, but depending on how long you dated, I think for every year you dated, take a month break. Every year you dated, take a month break, maybe two months for every year you dated at the most, but we don't need that much more. Well, all right, for one year old relationship, okay, take three months off any relationship and then one month for every year that you're in relationship. So three months off, then one month for every year you're in relationship with. That's just a simple rule of thumb. There's no science behind it. You have to do what's right for you. What's most important, depending on how traumatic the ending was, you may wanna check out the book by my friend Catherine Woodward Thomas called Conscious Uncoupling. This is a great book to heal after a breakup, a great book to heal after a breakup, Conscious Uncoupling and interestingly enough, if you turn to page 220, 220, you can see my name, Sherry and Jonathan right there. I'm in this book with my ex-girlfriend, how we consciously uncoupled, but it's also about how to heal after a breakup. And I would recommend reading this book to heal after a breakup. All right, let's keep going here. I love your questions. Thank you so much. Tudor, question, how do you end bread crumbing when you are still interested in a guy? How do you end bread crumbing when you're still interested in a guy? You tell him to stop fucking doing it. That's what you do. You tell him, look, I don't appreciate, listen, I feel as though that you reach out to me when it's at your beck and call and that doesn't work for me. How do you manage that? You set a boundary and you say what's okay and what's not okay for you, okay? Know your standards and then set a boundary. If bread crumbing isn't okay for you, then you just tell him, I don't appreciate this and I'm moving on and I wish you all the best in your life or you make a request that he changes behavior. But again, you may wanna do it by reading the books. Where did the book go? Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg first, but I recommend speaking your truth, do it with kindness. Speak your truth, do it with your kindness. That's your only way to navigate that. All right, folks, you know what? We're coming up on the hour. I think this has been a great place to wrap up for today. I wanna thank you all for allowing me into your lives. I'm gonna repeat, men are not all in because of this. Because you haven't developed the roots to trust and I'm here to say, if you wanna develop a better relationship, then you either reach out, schedule a free discovery call with me. There's a link below or you follow what I shared earlier in this video, go back and rewind it and listen to those five steps to develop the roots to trust. I wanna thank you all for your questions. I really appreciate you all so much from the bottom of my heart. I wanna thank you. Post, please share this with your friends. Please hit me at get that like button. And again, purchase the super stickers, super chat to let me know I'm appreciated. All right, we're gonna wrap up this video as I always do. First off, giving myself a big gigantic Chatham Barrow of self love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone, a pet, a teddy bear pillow and give Iter them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. Thanks a bunch. Bye-bye now, bye-bye.