 What's up everybody? It's Chris from the rewired soul and all that jazz. Obviously something a little bit different. I didn't do the intro and all that because I want to start doing videos where I just sit down and chat with all of you. I talked about this a little bit in a video. The idea a week ago, maybe about how I hate getting vulnerable and something I'm pushing myself to do more. Because like I'm on this mental health journey with all of you as well. So a couple promises. All right, like I got the idea to make this video because I was driving home and I just got it, I got kind of choked up and a little emotional. So I'm going to do my best not to cry. I'm not really a crier every once in a while. It just it comes and I'm a man. I ain't afraid to admit that I cry sometimes. All right, but anyways, I got super emotional about it just thinking about it. But anyways, this video might start off kind of like bummer, whatever. But I promise you it will pay off at the end. All right. So yeah, let's talk about an emotional relapse. This is something that I and it's it's crazy to because like these are things that my brain tells me not to open up about, not to be honest about, not to be, you know, just talking about with all of you, right? And I do it, you know, not only for myself, but hopefully inspire all of you and maybe my story and my experience can help some of you. But anyways, emotional relapse. The first time I heard about this was when I first got sober. So those of you who don't know, I'm 70 or sober. I got sober on my 27th birthday back in 2012. And we all know what a relapse is like for a drug addict or alcohol. I could be me drinking or using. So what the hell is an emotional relapse? So my experience when I first heard about this, like I was, you know, the start of recovery was rough. It was rocky. Like when you first get sober, like, like when you take the drugs and alcohol away from a drug addict, we get crazier than we were on the stuff, right? But then, you know, hopefully you start working a program, you start healing, your mind calms down, all the drugs and alcohol get out of your system. Hopefully you figure out a better way to live and everything starts getting better. Right. And not only do things start getting better for you, but you start becoming a better person. Like people actually like being around you and stuff like that. You know what I mean? And that's where I was. There were so many just big moments in my early recovery. I remember like, I remember it like it was yesterday. I remember a guy who was in my sober living and he moved out and then he saw me a few months later and he's like, Oh my God, Chris. He's like, I've never seen you smiling before. Right. And things like that were a big deal to me because I was so miserable and just everything in my early sobriety, but I start to get better and I started to be better and I started to act better. Right. And there comes a point sometimes in recovery called the pink cloud or everything's going, Oh, yay. You know what I mean? And we want to scream it from the rooftops. How glorious a variety is. Um, but yeah, one of the, the issues with that, you know, pink cloud or things starting to get really better and you doing well is you can get hit with this kind of like complacency and stop doing the things that you're supposed to do. So for me, like when I started doing better and things in my life started getting better and you know, things with my friends and family were getting better. People weren't hating me anymore. I was like, I got this and I started or stopped rather doing the things that I was supposed to do. Right. I stopped checking in with myself. I stopped, you know, living this life that I was taught to live and taught to lead and be of service to others and, you know, think of other people before myself quit being so selfish and self centered. Like all these things started to fall to the wayside and I started to just become a mess again. Like the thing about addiction is something I teach, especially when I talk about the first step is you take the drugs and alcohol away. We can still have a very unmanageable life, right? But anyways, things started going bad and like just my life started getting chaotic again and like I just started feeling awful and terrible and some of you know the phrase like the spiritual malady like there was just something in me that was hurting and you know, and it was weird because everything was going so well for a long time and you know, and I was talking to my mom about it who's also in recovery and she's like, yeah, Chris is like, I've been noticing your behaviors and I think you had, you know, we call this an emotional relapse, right? So I went off the rails emotionally. I'm like, Oh God, you're right. And I had to dive back in and do what I needed to do, right? So what the hell does this have to do with this? Well, those of you who know, like this has been a very rough year for me, right? Like I went from just being sky high to just rock bottom, you know, and I wish it was just something as simple as just, you know, oh, it's just YouTube or whatever. But it was more about like my passion in life, which is trying to help people, you know what I mean? And you know, when everything happened to me, just my imposter syndrome really kicked in like, Oh my God, maybe you know, that voice in my head is right and I'm not, you know, who I think I am and I'm this awful terrible person and I suck at what I do. And then, you know, like, it's crazy how the ego works too, because you have this imposter syndrome, but then you have this ego just like, No, you're this shit and screw everybody else, Chris, right? And for six months and I talked about this in my video about how I had that clarity about how I wasted six months, but for six months, I was just fighting and fighting and fighting. I was fighting against everything and everyone and just fighting this battle and like, and it was such a waste, right? And that was another emotional relapse. I had this emptiness in me and thank God I sat down like to record this video like I've been critical of people who say YouTube is therapy for me. I'm like, No, therapy is therapy, right? Like I get what they're saying, but I do think that you should have a therapist as well. You know, a therapist will solve all not solve, but they will help you with a lot of your problems. You can't just hop on here. But anyways, had I not finally got on here and I said what I said with some of you remember when I said like, I lost my passion for helping people. I lost my passion for mental health. I'm just, you know, I don't want to help you and like just verbalizing that and putting it on YouTube. It just snapped me out of it. And you know, things have been going so much better the last few weeks with just everything, but mostly inside here, right? And inside here, I feel so much better and like I wanted to sit down and record this for a couple reasons. Um, and the primary reason is, and this is where I get a little emotional. So I'll try to hold it in, but man, like I cannot put into words how much I appreciate all of you, right? Like even if you're new, I appreciate you, but like the real ones who have stuck by me and the new ones, you're not not the real ones. You're the real ones too. But I mean, like when I went through everything this year, I lost tens of thousands of people. Like that's no joke. Tens of thousands of people, but some of you sat and waited for me to come back and be Chris again. And I'm sitting here and I, like I said, I started getting emotional while driving home. I'm like, man, like they stuck by me. They just sat there and watched me go through this whole thing and just waiting for me to come back and return and be me and just get that passion to talk about mental health again and try to help people and you guys stuck around and like a lot of you who are new to like, I appreciate the fuck out of you as well. Um, because something that happened when everything went down, whenever I meet new people, whenever new people come to my channel or whatever, I have to sit there and wonder and say, are you one of the hundreds of thousands of people who saw people talking shit about me? Right? Like, you know what I mean and all these things, but like those of you who are new and you saw that stuff and you're like forming your own opinion or you're just like whatever, you know, like I appreciate that and like, you know, as much as I try to help all of you, I just can't express enough how all of you help me as well and my mental health journey. I never, ever, ever, ever want to ever make it seem like I'm perfect and I figured everything out. I just have a lot of experience, but you guys help me as much as I hopefully help you and you guys are a very crucial part of this, right? And you know, obviously like Tristan dealing with my crazy ass, you know, for the last six months and seeing me like just fighting and fighting and fighting and you know, all this other stuff and like something that I'm working on right now is I'm trying to let go because I now that I have this clarity, the guilt is coming in and that's like what, you know, like even though I didn't have like a relapse, like a drug and alcohol relapse, that emotional relapse, that guilt like, oh my God, what did I do? And I feel so bad that I've put you guys through that for so long, but like, you know, I was testing new things with content and trying to do more commentary. And then like, I finally realized like it felt empty to me just giving my opinions on just random things happening, you know what I mean? But yeah, I feel like guilty about that, but something I'm working on, I hope this is something that you guys can learn, you know, through my journey as well is I'm trying to let go of that, right? Like, I have to think and put myself in your shoes. Like, if you've stuck around here this long, I doubt you want me to sit here and just beat myself up over that, but I'm so grateful and part of it when I was driving home thinking about it was just like now that I've switched gears back to my passion of talking mental health and trying to help people like you guys have been so receptive to it. You guys have been so kind and just loving and it, it has warmed my heart in a way that I haven't felt since like the beginning of this year. And I'm so grateful for all of you and like, I'm so happy that we're rebuilding this community. Like all of you, you know, not just in the YouTube comments, but those of you who follow me on Twitter and Instagram like my, my passion is back and my mojo is back and my ideas are back and I'm doing stuff like, like it might seem stupid to other people, but like that Spotify playlist that I started and I posted it everywhere and said, Hey, give me songs and you guys doing that and some of you listening to it too and liking the idea like that fucking means a lot to me. You know what I mean? And I've been asking you guys questions and I announced on, you know, Twitter and Instagram and I think on the community tab that I have this really big mental health project that's in my mind that I'm going to, I'm going to get kicked off really soon. I think this weekend I'm going to strategize it a bit, but you guys were so receptive to that and I had people reaching out offering to help me moderate, you know, and everything and, you know, and now that I've gotten back into this whole like mental health groove, you know, I'm getting just so many kind of messages and emails and you guys who have been reading the blogs like when I write blogs, I'm like, nobody's going to read this shit, right? You guys have been leaving comments on the blogs. I've been getting emails and everything. If I haven't gotten back to you yet, don't worry. I will. I still have some DMs that I got to get through, but I feel I feel more like old Chris again and the last thing I want to say aside from aside from another heartfelt apology and how much I think all of you is just, it's just this and I hope you guys can learn from what I'm trying to do now, which is just put those fucking blinders on and tune out all of the noise. Like people are still coming into the comments talking shit talking shit on social media and stuff, but I am just laser focused on my mission to help people, you know what I mean? And and like I let I let these people get into my head for six months and that was way, way too long. So if you guys have something in your life that you're passionate about, like laser focus on it and tune out all of the bullshit. I've been feeling so much better and I appreciate all of you so much more because I see how grateful you are for it. And now it's like I want to work three times as hard as I was because because I got six months of the bullshit I was doing to make up to all of you. So thank you for sticking with me and let's do this shit together and improve our mental and emotional well-being and it's going to be amazing. All right. So thank you once again. I love you all so much. I can't put it in words. If I could, I would just if I was if I was a millionaire, I would just give everybody one of these palettes. You know, I would just go and maybe have to do that thing that they did where they cut out the roof of Jeffery Stars. I just jacket for all my recent wired soldiers out there and stuff. I'm kidding. Jeffrey don't send like your secret service after me or whatever if you see this. But anyways, I'm rambling now. But again, thank you guys so much and and yeah, we got some cool stuff coming up. I'll see you soon. Yeah.