 Hi everyone, my name is Gina and I'm so excited to be here with you today to talk about braving conversations at work. We're going to be covering some essential mindful communication tools that allows product managers to build trust to pair relationships and to resolve interpersonal relationship issues that come up as part of our job. So much of what we do depends on our ability to influence to communicate and to understand. So hopefully you can come away with some of the tools and a framework in doing that on the conversations that really matter. So let's go ahead and jump in. I've worked as a product manager for over a decade. And what I see really sets apart your average PM to one that is a stellar extraordinary PM is often in the way that they communicate with people. Angela has this really great quote that I think summarizes the spirit behind mindful communication and what I've observed some of these great communicators, what they're able to do. And she said, they may forget what you said, but they will never forget how you made them feel. What exactly is this feeling that we're talking about. Well, many people want to feel like they are understood and that they're seen. So when we practice mindful communication, we are cultivating that in the communication between people. So there are four steps to braving the conversation through mindful communication. The first is to understand your intentions for this conversation. Do you notice that you are pushing the other person away, or that maybe you want to punish them so that they feel bad for what they did, or are you there to create the sense of collaboration and empathy. As we understand and can connect to the intentions behind why we want to talk to someone, then we can better shift the conversation. The second piece is to observe what has actually happened in the situation that requires a tough conversation. Sometimes what we do in the words we say is we embed a lot of meaning that we've associated from what happened, and we add our own flavors of judgments into it. But that is different than the observable facts. So when we can differentiate and separate out these things are observations from our judgments, then we're better able to abstain from imbuing our language with the judgments that we're making. The third is to pay attention to what is happening within you at the time that the situation is happening, and how you feel towards it. The reason why we want to pay attention inwardly is because that tells us what we would like instead. So we use our emotions and our feelings to figure out what is really important to us in the situation, and then that is used in the last step to make the request. So where do we go from here, what would you like instead in order for you to really thrive at work. We'll go into each one of these in more detail. So the first one, noticing your intentions. This is where we're coming from on the inside. It is the how we speak or listen, and our intentions really shift our state of mind and our mindset when we go and talk to someone. So being aware and connecting to our intentions help to set the tone. The skill we want to cultivate here is to learn to shift when we become aware, then we can shift our intentions to one that is more helpful in getting things done. So I invite you to to participate in this little tiny activity. And you can just do this in your head, but I want you to take the sentence, what a good job you did and make it mean two different things. So to silently in your head, can you make this sentence make two different things. Were you able to do it. Yeah, I think most of us are able to make what are the job we did mean two different things. One might be a good thing and one might be not so good. So what exactly did you do differently when you went about saying these two, saying the same sentence differently. So you might have changed your tone. You might have changed your attitude. Maybe it's even your facial expression and you added in some gestures. So all of these things are the strategies of what we employed in order to shift that meaning. How did you exactly do it. Well you did it probably by shifting your intentions. So you intend for one sentence to mean good and then you shift to allow the intention to make it mean different things. And this is the skill it's as simple as that it is, it is noticing where my intentions are, and where perhaps the conversation is going the, the temperature I guess of the conversation, and then to shift your intention, so that you are focusing on, I want to connect to understand I want to bring closeness into this conversation and I want to see that they are only human right we're only human in everything that we do. So let's see the humanity in this other person I'm talking to you. And as soon as I connect with that, and I shift my intentions, then everything else flows, following those intentions. So the next step in scale is to share and notice your observations of what has happened. And an observation is a concrete specific and neutral thing. And it is distinct from the stories and the judgments that that we make about what has happened without the intention to blame or to criticize. It is unintentional throughout the history of our language, this intent have gotten have gotten embedded into the undercurrent of the language and the words that we say. So when we practice observing and only picking out the concrete specific and neutral things to this particular situation, it helps us to separate from our judgments and the meanings that we've signed and any blame that we might want to point. So it gives us the sense of neutrality. What we want to cultivate when we're observing is to practice this neutral, you know, observing things from a neutral place and seeing it for its neutrality rather than to the color that we add. To demonstrate this, I'm going to give you a hypothetical scenario. So let's say that a coworker is late getting you the data analytics report you've been asking for in order for you to finish your PRD. And then you had to work all night on it yourself to finish it up. What might be some internal thoughts. And I'm not saying that judgments or the fact that we make meaning out of things is bad. We do that because we are human. The thing that I want to point out though is that sometimes when we're not aware of it, it can take over from the neutrality of the situation. There might be some internal thoughts here. Perhaps you are thinking, my God, what a slacker. I'm the only one who cares around here. Right. Another one might be, I knew I should have done this myself in the first place like why am I placing my trust in these people. And they never get their work done on time. It's just terrible. Right. So these could be some of our internal thoughts that Papa automatically when something happens that causes us to not feel so good. But what we can do is start to break out and see through our judgments are evaluations of what's happened and the meaning that we're assigned. So maybe it looks like something, you know, like the slacker, or I'm the only one who cares around here. That's a story I'm making up right. That's a judgment. So just to be aware that this is happening so that we don't lose sight of the, of the situation, and instead we start to pay attention only to the color that we've added to it. So practicing neutral observation gives us a little bit of that space. The third step in practicing mindful communication is to pay attention inwardly. We want to express our feelings and our needs, because that way it allows us to regulate our emotions. And it gives us a chance to connect to what matters the most to us and why it is that we want this other person to do something different. I hear people say, well, showing emotions at work can be seen as unprofessional, or that, you know, if I let people know that I have needs, they're going to think that I'm weak. Well, I hope to convince you otherwise, because so much of what we say are emotions are part of that. And when we're not aware of it, it gets embedded, nonetheless, right, and it comes out in these forms of judgments of criticism of blame because we don't feel good. So by, by consciously becoming aware and choosing to express our emotions and our feelings, when it's situational appropriate, actually is very helpful in making the ask that much more supportive and collaborative, and, you know, just pushing, pushing that on you. And then having needs, this, the, the needs that we have, these are what makes us vulnerable. And I know this word has been the buzzword for a long time in lots of circles, you know, oh, we need to be vulnerable. Well, connecting to your needs is actually getting in touch with that vulnerable part of you. And when we talk about building these relationships that's filled with rapport and goodwill, what makes people want to do that? It's when they see your humanity, when they see your vulnerability. So it's a bit of a anomaly that when we share some things that's vulnerable to us, it actually opens the space for other people to want to build rapport with us, and we know that they can trust us because it is when we acknowledge, hey, yes, I do have these needs and I would love your help on this, that we open up the conversation so that it is deeper and more meaningful. What's feelings got to do with our communication? Because all we hear are words, right? But research have shown that it is our feelings that drive what it is that we do, our behaviors, which includes our words. And research has also shown that our feelings are derived from our needs. So when a need is met, what we feel are all of these positive things, and our actions, words reflect those feelings. And when our needs are not met, then we experience negative emotions, we don't feel so good about us or the person or the situation or work, right? And our words and actions reflect that as well. So on this note, I do want to be clear that when I'm talking about needs, I'm not simply talking about, oh, I need you to do something, or I need you to, you know, take out the garbage or hand me that analysis in time. The need is just a strategy in getting us our needs to be to be met. What I'm actually talking about are the human, the common human themes that we all need to thrive. So the need behind, I need you to take out the garbage might actually be the need for support or for partnership. We're aware and using our feelings to inform us of our needs, that is, that's what we can do that will help us better out of these needs. And just know that our feelings are reflected in the words that we say. So this is an interesting yo-yo between how our feelings can inform our needs, and then how also our feelings are reflected in what we say. So the skill we want to practice in hearing feelings and needs is to, yes, of course we want to pay attention to the words that's being said, but what you really want to do is to mindfully listen to what's underneath it. So we want to figure out what are that person, what is it that they're feeling, what might be some of their unmet needs that is causing them to have this reaction, what is so important to them. And once you have that, you want to check back and reflect that back to them so that you can check with them. Did I understand this correctly? I might say something like, wow, I see that you're really frustrated in the situation. And lastly, you just want this natural progression to allow room for exchange. So some back and forth between the two of us. And it gives the other person the opportunity to connect with what's true for them so that they can check in with themselves, either they resonate with that or they don't. So in this particular case, I might say, no, actually, I'm not frustrated by what happened. I'm just really tired. Okay, so this is a beautiful way for us to get underneath the words I said, and to truly figure out how we can make the conversation be about the actual problem, which is a unmet need, rather than all of these words as being said. So here, you can think of a time that you got into an argument with someone and you end up arguing about literally everything. And this is what happens when we don't focus on feelings and needs is we end up arguing about the judgments, the evaluations that we're giving the meaning that we have assigned, rather than focusing on, hey, what might be what's an opportunity for a need to be met. So in practice, can you hear what is being voiced here. Excuse my script and but this is just to get you familiar with listening to feelings and needs. So I will say in this hypothetical scenario right the next day, somebody says to you, I live with such idiots. Oh, by the way, what happened to the data analysis that you're supposed to get to me yesterday. Can you hear the feelings, what might they be. Maybe it's anger, maybe it's even resentment to this person feels like they've been wronged in some way. And what are some of the needs, perhaps it is a need for competence from my colleague or communication or reliability. So all of this is getting embedded into the literal words that we're saying but the meaning are these. And why does it matter. Again, we want to we know that when we feel a particular way that gets reflected in the, in the words that we say, even if we're unaware of it. So we want to bring awareness into that. And we want to pay attention to our needs because that is what matters to us. It is what matters to the other person. So when we can authentically identify it, then we can actually address the problem. Right. As a PM we're always talking about, let's solve the right problem. So this is how we go about doing that. So let's talk about the type of communication in mindful communication. So there's two parties right, when we're talking about communicating with one another so we'll have a speaker, and then we'll have a listener as the speaker what we want to be aware of is to choose to express our own feelings as a reflection of our own needs over choosing to embed blame judgment and criticism. And we want to be just very aware that this is how we choose to communicate and to express ourselves. And then from the perspective of the listener. We want to choose to listen to other people's feelings as a reflection of their needs over choosing to hear blame judgment and criticism. And this is probably much more apparent in personal life, although it is everywhere in the workplace as well. So if you are in a relationship close relationship with someone, it's really easy to think that what they're saying, you know they're attacking you or they're attacking you. But can we choose to put aside those earmuffs to hear blame judgment criticism, and really hear Oh my gosh this person has an unmet need, and what might not be can I be curious to figure that out. So this is the type of communication that we want to practice getting good at. Lastly, with all of those previous steps, you know connecting to our intention, seeing the observation that is separate from our colorful judgments, and then to be able to pay attention inwardly. All of that tells us what is it that we will like instead. So to make the request and to have that brave conversation, prepare ahead of time, this is so essential, because what it does is it clarifies what's most important, and it reduces anxiety for having these conversations, because those conversations, they are hard to have their heart for the speaker, they're hard for the receiver. So at least on your side, what you can do by preparing ahead ahead of time is to reduce some of that anxiety, and just to know that there is this system this this framework in place that has been tested for in many many situations from political negotiations into corporate negotiations, and it works because it allows us to see the humanity with one other to have grace and compassion with people, and that is the foundation of any good working relationship. I love this quote by one of my favorite researchers, Dr. Bernie Brown, and this is what she had to say about braving conversations. She says, we all know what it's like to stay silent and comfortable, instead of voicing what we believe. Isn't this so true, we can rather stay silent and comfortable. We all know that to have these conversations, it's going to take some courage, and it's going to be a little bit of discomfort that's involved, but this framework allows you to step up and need to that discomfort head on, in a way that is softens these these conversations, and really highlight what we can do to support one another. Here we go about expressing our requests. There's a couple of elements to that. The first is to be clear. And I always say, being clear is being kind. We have a lot of misconceptions on this. And some of them might be, you know, if I'm just vague enough, then I'm actually being nice because if I point out what they're doing wrong, then I'm not a very nice person. But remember, mindful communication, in the way that we do it, we are very mindful of are we coming across as criticizing people and pulling that out from the words that we say. So being clear in stating what it is that we will like is actually get setting the other person up for success, because now they know. Now they know what it is that I need, and then they know exactly what they can do to support us in getting our need met. And what I hear is that people will say, Oh my gosh, people should just know, like I shouldn't have to tell them what they need to do. If they cared, they would just know. No one can read minds. And that what might seem obvious to you is relative to you. And it's not, it might not be so obvious to me, because we were raised in different environments we had different upbringing different cultures, different modeling. So what might seem very obvious to one person wouldn't be necessarily obvious to another, the other element to keep in mind that requests are not demands. I, I hear a lot of people say to me, you know, I don't want to sound bossy. But when we are. So if we're just making the request without really paying attention to how the situation impacted us and what's really important to us, because when we don't share those things, people don't see our vulnerability, and they don't see our authenticity in being a human. And so when you make a request with those things in mind, you won't sound bossy. In fact, you will just sound really honest, really open and very genuine. And that is, no, I can just prove my point with data so I don't need to go to them with a request. Yes, that might be definitely true, you know data can definitely support your argument. But if other people have an underlying need, or if you have an underlying need that is still not being met. This is going to cause the relationship between you to have to have a tinge of resentment or maybe even begrudging this. And what we want to do is to address it head on, so that those qualities of relationship isn't, you know, one of resentment or grudging this or sort of adversarial adversarialness, but rather it is one of partnership of mutual understanding. The thing to keep in mind is that when we're making the request because it is a request, the other person has an option to say no, so expect some back and forth. The other argument is, don't let what is unsaid become the expectation and the evaluation. I see this happen all over the place at work, and it is a huge opportunity that is lost, because the other person doesn't know. There's no way that can that they can meet the expectation that you have set in your head. But because it's unsaid, the other person doesn't know. So we really want to go back to setting people up for success by expressing our request in a clear and very specific way. Sometimes I also hear people say, well, it's really not my place to tell them. But what happens is our expectations still get embedded in there if it is not said. So I think I've seen this time and time again where when this happens, it contributes to the sense of people being really confused and eventually they experience really low morale and on a team that is always looking to ship to improve. The next thing we want. Let's take a look at the hypothetical scenario and how we can make it into a request that is clear and specific. So this is what I came up with. You might see something like, I feel overwhelmed and unprepared when I don't have the analysis, because I worry I may not have done it as expertly or as efficiently as you. But if you break this down, you can hear the emotion that is being expressed here, and that is overwhelmed, I feel overwhelmed, I feel unprepared, but it feels situationally appropriate. And what might be some of the needs might be the need for competence or balance so I'm not working when you can do something more efficiently than I can. I might say, you know, I totally get that life happens. But let's figure out together how we can make a handoff that works for both of us next week. Right now, I like to spend 30 minutes before lunch to review what I came up with, what I work for you. Now, do you hear any judgment in this. Right. It's, it's, it's neutral, even though we're making a very specific request. And if I were to hear this, if someone were to say this to me, I'm like, oh my gosh, I have a lot of respect for that person. And yes, let's figure this out. I really want to do this. So what we get is a quality of relationship that is very, very different. So the, some of the needs might be the need for consideration, communication and trust, but because I connected with them, I can now express it in a very healthy, open, authentic way. So what we get is a relationship outcome that is built off of amicability, we have respect, we have trust all in one place. And what I want to leave you with is that braving conversations with mindful communication creates the space for empowered and meaningful conversations. It's not hard, but it's not easy either, but hopefully with this four step framework, you have this tool set that you can always come back to. And the next step, which is to notice your intentions. Now, this is where I'm coming from. And remember, I added in that one sentence is like, hey, life happens. And that is to, to show that I'm connecting with my intention to understand to empathize and to be curious. The skill set is to shift if you notice, oh, I'm starting to get a little bit heated, or they're getting heated. Let's connect back to our intentions and shifted just just, you know, by, by focusing on one outcome versus another. The second is to share the observations. And, you know, if it's if it's actually appropriate definitely bring in the context with your observations. But the main piece here is to tease out and separate the stories that you're telling versus the neutral observable facts. And so the skill we want to practice here is that of neutral observation so that we don't add additional color that could embed our judgments and our criticism into what it is that we want to say. The third is to pay inwards attention. And this is the key to mindful communication. And it is because when we recognize our emotions, we can then use that to inform us of what we would what's really important to us, what we would like instead. And so there is this skill that we can listen we can reflect we can loop back that helps one another to do this so that we get to the meaning the meaty part the real problem of what's going on on the surface level communications. And the last part of this is to make the request. Now that you've connected with your emotions that informed you of what truly matters to you in this situation. Now you can formulate that in a request. So the other person can have a chance in supporting you. And how we go about doing this is by being very clear and very specific. I have a challenge for all of you. I invite you to come up with one situation and one conversation that you know you need to have and apply this framework to it. Now pick a conversation that is low stake or pick it with a person that you feel safe and comfortable with because this takes practice and see if you can apply each one of these four steps on on having that conversation that you need to have. I'm Gina. I thank you. You can connect with me I am on Instagram I am on LinkedIn and my website is Gina night calm. If you have any questions feel free to reach out to me. Best of luck, and thank you.