 If interested in the same man, there is bound to be a certain amount of friction between them. But it can be said truthfully that in their rivalry over Mr. Pointon, our Miss Brooks, who teaches English at Madison High, and Daisy Enright have never engaged in any cup-throat competition. No indeed. We could never get the knives out of each other's backs in time. But although our competition in the past has been rather intense, last Wednesday I received some wonderful news. Miss Enright was about to leave school to marry someone else, thus leaving me a clear field with Mr. Pointon. As I waited at the bus stop for my bus to school Thursday morning, I was in such excellent spirits I could barely contain my enthusiasm. Oh, what a beautiful morning. Oh, what a wonderful day. Oh, good morning, driver. Good, good morning to you. Have you ever seen such a beautiful morning? Cold and crisp and yet absolutely clear, amazingly clear. Just look at that sunshine, look at it. Have you ever seen the sun so bright this early in the morning? So glisteningly, brilliantly, beautifully bright. Have you ever seen it so bright? Ten cents, please. A thing that makes you glad to be alive. Glad you can see and hear and feel. Birds chirping, air tingling, sun shining. Honestly, have you ever seen such a day? Ten cents, please. And lady, you see that sign up there? Please do not converse with driver while bus is in motion. Yes, I see it. Good. Then would you mind stopping the bus so we can chat? I wouldn't be talking to you like this, but the most wonderful thing happened to a friend of mine. You see, she teaches school and she and some other teacher were competing for the same fellow. Now the other teacher finally saw she didn't have a chance so she joined an introduction club, corresponded with a man and now she's getting married, thus leaving the field open for the first teacher. Isn't that wonderful? Ten cents, please. You haven't heard the end. Lady, lady, I saw the whole story on television last night. And if you can keep a secret, I'm the first teacher. If you haven't got a dime, I'll lend it to you. I've got the money. The bus driver wants his fare and the bus driver will get his fare. Here we are, the bus fare for the bus driver. The happy little driver gets his little fare. And to think I turned down a chance to become a ditch digger. Pennies. Lady, come back here. You made a mistake. You gave me 11 pennies. Easy come, easy go. Today you can keep the change. Today is Ms. Enright doing this to me. Why is she leaving me? Why, Harriet? Why? Daddy? That's the poorest excuse I've ever... Imagine Ms. Enright using an introduction club to correspond with some out-of-town idiot when right here on my own faculty there are enough idiots, the teachers. It, Daddy, she chose Mr. Boynton years ago, but he never gave her a tumble. How could he? He was always had a big feet out whenever he passed. This morning I'm going to see what I can do about that. If Ms. Brooks could be persuaded to give up her bashful biologist for a few weeks, then Ms. Enright might... Daddy, you wouldn't interfere in the personal life of your teacher. Oh, wouldn't I? Excuse me, Harriet. I believe I see my pigeon. Ms. Brooks, come up the wall. Do my inner office, please. Oh, all right. Now she's walking up the front steps. Now she's approaching the front doors. Now she's coming towards my office. Good morning, Ms. Brooks. Good morning to you, sir. Follow me into my office, please. Yes, sir, after you. Right after you. Right into your office. Why are you looking well this morning, Mr. Conker? Healthy, robust, clear-eyed, well-rested. I don't think I've ever seen you looking better, sir. No, sir, never better. I've never seen you looking well before, but never brimming with the marvelous health you're brimming with this morning. No, sit down. Ten cents, please. Yes, sir. I'll come directly to the point, Ms. Brooks. You are no doubt aware of the grave shortage of good teachers at the present time and the great difficulty in securing a new one when one is lost. Now we don't want to lose Ms. Enright, do we? Who doesn't? Are you sure that if greater interest were displayed in her by a certain male member of my faculty, Ms. Enright might consider remaining? How do you know that? She told me. Now, if you would be willing to step aside for three or four weeks, I'm sure that this... Sir, I most emphatically will not. I think this is a most unfair request, a distinct infringement on my personal life, and I think you're overstepping your authority in asking me to do it. Oh, you do. Ms. Brooks, may I remind you that I have your application to teach at night school, an application which only requires my signature to put you out of circulation every night for the remainder of this semester? But, sir, that application is six years old, made before I met Mr. Boyden. Why, it's covered with dust by now. I'll buy a new dust cloth in your honor. All right, sir, I'll do as you ask. Well, will you tell Ms. Enright or shall I? Neither one of us needs father. But how will she know? I told her 15 minutes ago. There, Ms. Brooks. Now it is. Good morning, Ms. Enright. I came in to thank you for stepping aside and being the good sport you usually aren't. Oh, you needn't thank me. It was Mr. Conklin's idea to prevent you from leaving Madison. Oh, darling, I never had any intention of leaving Madison. Huh? Professor! No, this was just a little plan of mine to have dear Mr. Boyden all to myself for a few weeks. I knew exactly how Mr. Conklin would react when I threatened to resign to get married. Then you didn't correspond with anyone through that introduction club. Oh, yes, but I did, darling. I carried on quite a lengthy and amorous correspondence with a fellow named Victor Cummings, a businessman from Attleboro, Massachusetts. Matter of fact, he's doing it on the noon train. Well, I thought to give you plenty of time to get married before your date with Mr. Boyden tonight. What are you going to do about this fellow Cummings? Aren't you worried? I'm worried? Why should I be worried, darling? Oh, that's right. I neglected to tell you. I carried on the correspondence in your name. I'm certain it was the enclosed snapshot of you that induced him to come out to get married. It was quite a neat bit of trick photography. I superimposed your head on Jane Russell's body. If I didn't object to the marriage, I'm sure Mr. Cummings would. But why, darling? By the time he married the girl in that photograph, he'd be arrested for bigamy. Now, Miss Enright and I had campaigned for Mr. Boyden in the usual accepted, un-lady-like manner. But her latest trick of sending my name, address, and photograph to some lonely-hearts businessman in Attleboro, Massachusetts, was a low blow of the foulest order. And I was terribly unhappy that I hadn't thought of it first. However, at noon, when I saw Mr. Boyden approaching our table in the school cafeteria, I decided I'd better keep my promise to Mr. Conklin and temporarily break off our relationship. But I determined to do it gently and with finesse. Hello, Miss Brooks. Goodbye, Mr. Boyden. I'm afraid I'll have to postpone our date for tonight. But, Miss Brooks, you have our ballet tickets for tonight, and we've been looking forward to it for a month. Well, I'm sorry, but I feel a nasty cold coming on. I wouldn't want you to catch it. Oh, well, you needn't worry about that. I'd ever get too close to you. Well, don't rub it in. But I'm afraid we'd better forget about tonight. Hi, Mr. Boyden. Boyden, Miss Brooks, have I got a bulletin for you. What is it, Walter? Well, I was taking the calls in Mr. Conklin's office just now, and this phone message came in for you. Your fiance, Harry Gibbons, has arrived from Scranton, Pennsylvania. Harry Gibbons from Scranton, Pennsylvania? Then there is someone else. There are two someone else's. I don't know anyone from Scranton, Pennsylvania. Well, he certainly seemed to know you. He said to tell you, hair breath, Harry is here to marry his cuddly Connie. Well, never. Well, maybe you should have. Hey, Mr. Boyden, there must be some mistake. I don't know anyone from Scranton, Pennsylvania. The only fiance I'm expecting is from Madelborough, Massachusetts. What am I saying? Oh, so Miss Enright wasn't the only one to make use of that introduction club. Mr. Boyden, she's the one who wrote to these men, and then she... Oh, here you are, dear. I'm glad I found you. Well, Mrs. Davis, what is it? Well, I told him you'd be home after three, Connie, but he's getting terribly impatient. Who's getting impatient? Your fiance, Wilbur Davenport, from Oshkosh, Wisconsin. Oshkosh, Wisconsin? But I wouldn't marry him if I were you, dear. Personally, I like that tall, strong cattleman from Austin, Texas. He's a real pulse-stopper. Go back with Mrs. Davis and help her get rid of that Shriners Convention. No, I will not, Miss Brooks. But may I say I wish you the best of luck and happiness wherever you are. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll be going. Oh, please, Mr. Boyden, wait! No, I am sorry if I've upset you, dear. This whole thing must be a terrible strain. Perhaps you better ask Mr. Conklin to excuse you for the rest of the day so you can come home and relax. Oh, I can think of a better place than that to relax in, Mrs. Davis. Where, Connie? Walter, see what they can give me at the YMCA. Connie, from this morning, you know you were feeling so good that it turned out to be contagious and I've been whistling and singing ever since. Yes, ma'am, whistling and singing is all because of your happy, sunny disposition. Yes, ma'am, all because of you. I hate Gabby bus drivers. Please, this quarter, please. Maybe I could give you some free advice. All right, Mr. Anthony, solve this one if you can. Girls are interested in the same man. Girl A sends Girl B's name, address and photograph to a number of out-of-town bachelors. They all arrive. One of them, a big strapping Texan, wipes out the opposition. Now, Girl B is stuck with the problem of getting rid of this unwanted suitor. Crazy, huh? Can't happen, huh? Who said? I told you I saw the whole thing last night on television. Wasn't on Howdy Doody by any chance. No, no, no. Some comedy show. Now, the blackout is this girl puts on the oldest dress she can find. She acts like she's been sick a hundred years, like she's got a million troubles and a guy gets so disgusted. Say no more, I get the idea. Pretty crazy stories on television today, huh, lady? That stuff could never happen in a million years in real life. Now, pull up a chair outside my window tonight and you will find out differently. Ever hear of or read a magazine article called, And Sudden Death? If you do any kind of driving, listen to this quote from the article. If you customarily pass without clear vision a long way ahead, make sure that everyone with you carries identification papers. It's difficult to identify a body with its whole face bashed in or torn off. Don't take chances when you drive. If you have a good head on your shoulders, keep it there. A sure way to drive my correspondence club Romeo back to Texas. That was to look and behave in as ghastly a manner as possible. So that evening, after giving myself the ugly duckling treatment, I stood inspection before my land, lady. Well, Mrs. Davis, how do I look? Fine, dear. Simply awful. If that potato sack you're wearing doesn't scare off your tixin, then the rest of you should. How did you happen to look so bad? Well, I thought of all the things a girl does to make herself attractive to a man, and then I did them all upside down. But I only hope the rest of my plan works. It certainly should. Just keep talking to him about your ailments. No man wants to marry a sick woman. Judging from my experience with Mr. Boynton, no man wants to marry any woman. Are you afraid for Mr. Boynton or Ms. Enright? Yes, dear. They're coming to pick up those ballet tickets. Over my fighting body. If that tixin is as gallant as most tixins, I have an idea that will put Ms. Enright. How do you like that? The main Steinsong. Well, here he is, Mrs. Davis. You've got to go inside. All right, dear. Good luck. Notice it in a week. Won't you come in? Only please watch the scatter, Rod. Well, lady, I'm Bill Sadler, traveling all the way from Austin, Texas, to claim the hand of the beautiful Constance Brooks. Will you tell your granddaughter I'm Constance Brooks? If you hurry, there's a bus leaving for Texas at 9.17. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Who said anything about leaving? When Bill Sadler makes a bargain, he keeps it. I'm afraid you'd see it that way. How soon can you be ready to start back with me, Constance? Uh, well, certainly not until after I have my appendix removed. Oh, got to have an operation, eh? Well, I'm in no hurry. What are you planning to have the appendix out? Right after the scar from my lung operation healed. You had a lung operation? But you didn't say nothing about any operations in your relatives? Well, since the 1st of November, the doctors have taken out my tonsils, adenoids, one rib, a piece of spine cartilage, a hunk of kneecap, and something in Clause 4, Paragraph 2. Clause 4, Paragraph 2? That's an operation in my hospital insurance contract to which I was entitled, so I took it. Well, this is a stroke of luck. Luck? You wouldn't believe it to look at my man, but I've had 27 operations myself. Along with tonight, you and me will sit by my open fireplace and just kick around our operations. Good girl, and start packing, huh? But, Mr. Sadler, I feel there's something else you should know. I doubt if my husband would approve. Husband? You got you a husband? That's what I got me. How come you never mentioned him in your letters? I meant to, but I always seem to run out of ink. Well, husband, what for do you want me? That's what I say. Actually, Mr. Sadler, I've seen very little of my husband since he began running around with a blonde named Daisy Enright. Oh, so that's how the land lies. There's one thing I can't stand, ma'am. It's a female coming in to bust up a happy home. Why, back in Texas, we taunt fellow women like that. You're back in Texas. I'll see who it is. Miss Enright and Mr. Conklin. Oh, Miss Brooks, what a charming costume. You've never worn your hair more becoming. Then it is, Miss Brooks. For a moment, I thought it was nightmare Alice. Aren't you going to ask us in, Miss Brooks? Oh, yes, sir. Come in. Is this for vomit, ma'am? Darling, why did you bring this hussy to our home? Well, you see, Miss Brooks, I found out what Miss Enright had done and to avoid any further bad feeling between you two. I decided that I would ask, good darling, why did you bring this hussy to our home? All you got, if you don't want me to, won't me? Don't beat me again. Please don't beat me. You know I'm... The woman has finally flipped her lid. Groven up to it. But you lay a hand on her partner and I'll throw your worthless caucus to the coyotes. I've stepped right into the middle of high noon. Just who is this oversized hop along castle? You would show a little more respect for your loving wife. Wife? You have the colossal gall to call that ragged, unkempt, mouth-eating preacher, my wife? You still love me. This charade has gone far enough. This woman means absolutely nothing to this man and I don't see why... You keep out of this, Blondie! Come around this corral. Don't get wise and promise your little woman you're going to stop chasing around with this young palomino. You and me kind of mosey off and leave these people to make up. You take your hands off me. Well, good-bye, mammon. Good luck with your appendix. Would you want me to explain what happened, Mr. Conflin? Either that or I'm going to have another newsy session with my psychiatrist in the morning. Now what was that all about? Well, sir, that Texan was so persistent the only way I could get rid of him was to claim you were my husband. And what better person to get rid of him on than Miss Enright? Well, yes, I suppose that was only common justice after the trick she played on you. I brought her here to straighten matters out. Well, I've had a hard night, Miss Brooks, mostly performing the part of an airing husband. Sir, if you'll excuse me. Oh, now, who can that be? Just a moment, sir, while I see who it is. Yes? Oh, good evening. I'm Victor Cummings of Attleboro, Massachusetts. Connie Brooks is expecting me. Would you kindly tell your granddaughter I'm here? Oh, Mr. Conflin? Yes, Miss Brooks? Take off your coat. We've got one more performance tonight. It'll be a real pleasure to ditch this rockin' chair routine for a little grammar. With the music of Lut Glaskin, Mr. Conflin was played by Gail Gordon.