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I may have been only that much out but by the time I was 40 I was off the grid. I started to batter people. I started to humanise people. I didn't really understand karma. I thought I was doing a good job. I didn't realise that every person I hit was something I'd have to pay for later on. It was a demolition job very quickly but I held in so much rage because I was trying to change that I just destroyed him. My name was unconscious. Someone picked him up to try and carry him to the car and I hoofed him as hard as I could in the head. I couldn't stop myself. I was gone. Then I heard people saying he's dead. He's dead. They couldn't get him around. They dragged him to the car. His toes, his shoes were scratching on the floor. I just remember feeling even my friend Seymour who was with me. This guy is a veteran. One of the most experienced guys you could ever meet. Even he looked worried. Even he said I don't know what you're doing. He was like this. I remember thinking that's it. It's over. It's gone. I'm going to lose my liberty. I've still got this background of faith and I'm thinking I'm going to lose my place in the hereafter. I knew something had ended. I knew this guy was going to die. I was never going to be able to recover. Bwm roi'n ddiddes ges i'w'n gweithio'r ars-expert Geoff Thompson. How are you brother? Very good. Thank you. I wanted to say thank you. You've been so accommodating and so kind. I just wanted to say thank you. It really makes a difference to me. I appreciate that. First of all thank you to you as well for taking the time and coming here. I think this is the earliest we've ever done a podcast. It's 7 in the morning. You've got a great story brother. You've wrote 50 books now. You're a martial arts expert. You have worked with some of the biggest names in the world. As an eighth dan? Which is one of the highest rank ever? It's a high rank. You get to a certain level and those grades are thrown at you. As you know you get to a certain level. They don't mean anything. They don't mean anything outside the chip shop on a Friday night. If you can't have a fight it means nothing at all. The fact that it doesn't mean something means something to me. It becomes something that will open the door and get you in somewhere. It doesn't mean anything if you don't know who you are. We were talking at the beginning about who am I. Unless we know who we are we don't know what we're doing. We don't know who's doing it. We don't know who we're feeding. We don't know who we're giving the drink to. We don't know who we're doing the drugs for. We don't know who we're trying to be validated by. So we've got to know who we are. That's our singularity. For me it's a sense that once I know that, once I've got that singularity, that's self, that's my only point of reference. And someone asked me the day, I mean that's great. You're awake but how often do you fall? And I said, wow, fucking every day. Every day still I still fall. But St Francis fell every day still. He just got back quicker. St Columbia fell every day. The Buddha and Angulimala, all of these great saints, we get this idea that we get to a point and we don't fall when we're human, we fall. We just return to the centre quicker. We protect the centre. That's our sanctuary, that's our arc, but when we get back to it quicker if we do fall, but we still fall and that's why it's not healthy. We've got gurus in the world who seem like they are impervious and untouchable and they don't make mistakes because it sets an example in a human body that we can't meet. It's not that we shouldn't feel temptations. It should just be that we learn to recognise the wrong signature and either rebuff it or bring it in and convert it to something beautiful. I'm only interested in leaving a beautiful message for somebody which I know is what you're trying to do as well. I want to get across as well and it's to understand we'll make mistakes and perfection doesn't exist. You said there that you found yourself. How long did it take you to do that? Because a lot of people in life, so many distractions in pain, struggling and it is difficult to really work with it and try and identify who you really are. How long did it take you, Jeff? I would say the big turnaround was when I got my fifth down many years ago and we just classed as the master grade and I was quite full of pride and just thought I'm there and then I looked in the mirror and I saw this fat overweight bully. It was very hard, very hard to see it. Very hard to look at this guy that's still bullied, even bullied my wife. It was subtle, I love her bones, I love her very bones and it was subtle but if she didn't want sex and I leaned into her and she didn't want a cuddle my insecure self would slam doors and give her a cold back in bed and when I realised that, my friends loved me but they were afraid of me because I was a hair trigger because I was like I am now, I was polite, I was articulate but I had such a sensitive underbelly that if I felt someone had dissed me I could go into a violent rhetoric very quickly. I was no kissinger. I wasn't about negotiating over the table if someone affronted me it would play in my mind until I became physical and then when I became very good at being physical but I realised how limiting that was. So for me it's been this one I got to my fifth dan. I've been building up, I was a lump, I was about 16 stone I was a black belt in lots of systems I was training in wrestling, Greco-Roman, freestyle, collegiate hook and catch, catchers catch, some of the very ancient dangerous stuff, Greco I was training in all these arts, boxing I was training with professional boxers. I could have a fight but that was the limit of it but at the fifth dan I bumped into Budo which is the Eastern Terric End and I said yeah you've done well to get here and this grade is because this grade is not just because of what you've done this grade is because what you're expected to do now so I went from expanding to having to contract in Christian mythology they would call this apothatic theology sounds fancy but it just really means we get rid of everything that isn't God or we get rid of everything that isn't self so I didn't really know who or was I knew who or wasn't I'm not a bully, I'm not violent, I'm not jealous I'm not psychotically jealous which I was showing signs of that I'm not greedy or envious, I'm none of those things that was something I absolutely knew so through this process of negation I contracted myself in order to allow my consciousness to expand you said something very interesting when we were talking before it's painful and people have this idea that the spiritual path is socks and sandals and dream catchers and after it's just nice, it's so painful someone said to me recently what does it feel like to be woke I said it feels painful because I know my own errors and I know other people as well I see their masks, I see their agenda I don't judge it, I just see it it's painful to see it when it's someone you're lying in bed with it's painful when you see it when it's your mum or your best friend it's painful when you see their shadow and they don't see their shadow you know them more than they know themselves so I started to look and I felt so ashamed and felt so weak I recognised that I got this big carrot paste all this war paint I was covered in tattoos I got the armour, I got this huge back and I could have a fight I was curling 220 I was physically really strong but underneath there was this frightened kid that knew I was going to be caught at any minute I just thought how are they not seen already it was there, I didn't want to look at it so I had to start contracting I had to start letting go of the violence letting go of the armour letting go of the big body frame letting go of the need for validation the need for peer review the need for somebody to like me the need for somebody to say my work is good or whatever all of that stuff disables me all of that stuff makes me a prisoner I'm not interested in that I've no interest in it at all I'm not interested in it's connecting to my soul or my singularity or my quantum vacuum the point of reference, whatever you want to call it the self finding that and I've seen it a few times I bumped into it, I wanted to find that and I wanted to sit in that that's the very centre of my arc and I wanted to be able to go out into the world and see the suffering of other people not contribute to the suffering but to the mind and belting everybody that doesn't agree with me which I was doing and just going I want to plant seeds of kindness everywhere and people have got this idea that's soft but it's actually the most difficult thing to do if you want a strong esoteric exercise just be kind today don't got it about people don't sit wanking off over Donald Trump because he's such a beast he's just a representation of he's the face of modern society he's a projection of what's in everybody so just be kind I love that because I don't have a lot of bad men but they aren't bad men the bad man is the one who's wanting to show the vulnerabilities the one who's willing to show how dishonest they've been and how much pain they're in that for me is strength that for me is the person you should be looking up to and a lot of people have changed their life and actually identify that ok I am struggling ok I need help we've got so much pride we're ashamed to admit we're hurting but once you start seeing other people hurting as well and pain then you realise wait a minute ok if he can speak out I can speak out that's why I always try to make people it's easy for anybody to sit here and glorify their good things I've done this amazing I've did that but let's talk about the pain what you went through to get to where you are today it's a beautiful thing you should be proud of everything you've achieved brother that's honestly unbelievable we'll touch on all that now we'll go right back to the start Jeff where you grew up and how it all began I grew up I had this massive energy I had this chi this university racing through me and I was going to do things I could feel it I was a bundle I was going to be a footballer I wanted to write even from an early age but it got interrupted at the age of 11 when I was sexually I was groomed and sexually assaulted by a teacher so it took my energy it took my will and it captured it it stole it so this one year of grooming and then this night of abuse planted a seed in me or planted a parasite in me that may have been a tiny thing at the age of 11 I may have been only that much out but by the time I was 40 I was off the grid I was miles and miles out I was abusing, self-abusing I was abusing myself physically and sexually I was abusing people violently on the doors I had very strong but false beliefs that the world was dangerous and I needed to protect myself I was psychotically jealous most of my self abuse was going on in the dark when no one was looking I wasn't even aware I was abusing I wasn't even aware that was happening I couldn't trust my family if my wife went out of the room on my worst days if she went out of the room I felt she was betraying me I couldn't trust my family especially my family this is how I felt this person who I idolised when I was 11 had said to me the world can't be trusted nobody can be trusted not even the people you love that set a parasite in me that fed off me for the next 40 years so part of me was abandoned during that night and another part of me grew so this parasite in me grew and I didn't see this guy probably for another 30 years but even over time and space even though we were disparate he was still feeding from me so we are bonded to the people we hold resentment for so I had a lot of anger there a lot of confusion a lot of dissonance and instead of looking at that or instead of capturing that if it had been captured when I was 11 I think that parasite could have been removed very quickly and the damage would have been there would have been a lot less damage because it wasn't because I was brought up in an Irish Catholic family where we do not talk about shame shame is an assassin's bullet we hide from it and if anybody brings shame to our door it's like death to us so you don't bring shame to the door that was our big thing so I couldn't talk about it I couldn't share it I couldn't say to somebody this has happened to me so that they could retract it when I finally did share it the people I shared it with didn't know how to react they didn't know how to deal with it so they reacted in the same way I reacted when I woke up in the middle of the night there was a heavy, hairy invisible hand from behind all over my genitals all over my body they reacted with terror they reacted with stilted shock they were dissonant they were cold, they were distant so in my juvenile mind I'm thinking I've shared this and all I saw was blame this is your fault the parasite in my head was already saying this is your fault you must have let the guy on I was 11 I was 11, I was fucking 11 I'm paraphrasing a line from my play when the characters did a play about this called Fragile Which one are BAFTA? This was a stage play it wasn't a film so it was a stage play the one that won the BAFTA was a film called Brown Paper Bag but there's a line in it where someone accuses them of leading this guy on and he says but I was 11 I was 11, I was 11 I was 11, I was 11 years old I was a boy, I was 11 he's repeating it again and again cos he's dissonant, he's confused he's going what do you mean I've hardly kissed a girl yet I wouldn't know what that means even I don't know what that means so there's a tremendous feeling that family, society are blaming the victim it's your fault, somehow it's your fault no smoke without fire, I'm 11 that's what created most of my rage I can feel it now I can feel the emotion you end up hating on your family because they wouldn't understand and wouldn't give you the loving care that you needed at that age how old were you when you said that I shared it when I was probably 12 or 13 couple of years very close and this is not in any way blaming people this is just saying people don't understand they are terrified I understand fear so people were afraid the thing was that created even more resentment it created even more belief that nobody could be trusted I was wrong, people can be trusted people just don't know how to deal with these things my reason for telling this story is to encourage people to share their story and to find someone that will listen so if the parasite goes in they can bring it back out again rather than it growing them and then create destruction mine came out because I started to write books and plays and films and articles that explored it I wanted to understand it there's no way I was going to blame my parents or blame God or blame the police I was too afraid to do that so I just kept this inside I was quietly angry I was full of rage rather than say I'm angry at my mum or I'm angry at my dad or I'm angry at this teacher I displaced it and I was angry at society so I didn't say that I was too afraid to do that because I loved them so much and it was only when I did the play fragile that I wrote it that I started to explore it that I realised it was nobody's fault it was just a confluence of circumstances that put me somewhere and although this situation happened it led me on to a path I would never have gone on to if it hadn't happened there's no way I would have followed the path I followed and the path I followed was a path of investigation I've gone heavily into psychology heavily into physiology heavily into sociology very very heavy into the metaphysics to explore why have I got this pain so when I wrote fragile that was like an exorcism we actually had Samaritans at the door every night for that play because it was so visceral and so true and you think I'm going to write this play and I'm going to talk about not about abuse but about what happens after the abuse the fact that there's a parasite in you the fact that you can't trust your own fingers the fact that when nobody's looking you rape yourself and you don't know what you're doing here that's very painful to say but the only way I'm going to clean that is by revealing it and putting it on paper and letting an audience see it letting an audience help me to clean it and say I'm not going to be ashamed of something that's been done to me and that's continuing to be done to me so I started to write about this and I went through the layers I realised I wasn't really angry at my mum I just wanted to protect her I wasn't angry at my dad I just wanted to protect him from this shame I wasn't really angry at this teacher he was a victim himself and this crime is a victim of something of his circumstance of his background of similar abuse of historical abuse you know you've got these black kids at the moment who are still struggling because of slavery still struggling because they're over-policed and they're over-prisons and they're looked down on because there's something that happened hundreds of years ago everybody is a victim of something so the idea was that he looked at it and really shouted at my mum shouted at my dad in the play through this character shouted at this teacher shouted at this fat copper who only seemed to be interested in did you enjoy it did you get an erection like somehow again I've led him on but when I got past all that I just thought these people don't know what they're doing they're just afraid people are just afraid they don't understand and I realised I love them I just love them and I didn't really have any anger but it wasn't until I wrote about it and watched it perform that I realised I'm not angry at them, who am I angry at of course I realised I'm angry at God because I'm brought up a Christian and I'm lying in this bed in the middle of the night so why has God let that happen to me so I say to God God says to me I'm stuck at this conversation this internal dialectic he says you think I abandoned you I said yeah I do now if you think I was afraid to blame my mum you can imagine how much more I'm afraid to blame God who's omniscient and omnipotent and non-represent but I said yeah I do think you abandoned me there was a stillness and he said I didn't abandon you but did you abandon you and then he hit me of course I did this thing happened it was a confluence of circumstances the parasite wasn't drawn out of me and from that day onwards I abandoned myself in every way for the rest of my life until I started to write about it until I started to go inside and exercise the steam was that your therapy then putting it in paper and putting it in play was this guy your instructor it was a martial arts instructor so your trust went from not just him but your family as well for anybody watching we'll touch on this subject for anybody watching it's maybe people have already panned it off as if it was nothing to forget it what advice would you give them for someone that's been abused mentally, physically what strength or what words of advice would you give them well as they say in AA we're only as sick as our secrets so reveal it, talk to somebody even if you're just talking your own sub vocalisation if you just write it down and burn it afterwards if you want to or reveal it to somebody that you can trust but the main thing is that it's like a seed it grows in the darkness and it will give you all sorts of projections of shame I thought when I wrote Fragile I would lose my wife I would lose my agent I would lose my income people would think I was disgusting because I felt disgusting, I felt vile I felt like shit under the shoe of society that wasn't what I presented I presented as this together guy but that's what I thought so I said ok this is what's blackmailing me every time I wanted no one knew about this even my wife didn't know about the stuff that I was doing so I just said look I've written this play and the terror when I come to put the play on wasn't really all of those things the terror was that my mum would see the play and that she would be hurt by it that she would somehow bring shame to her door so that was a very powerful image that I got so that was the only thing I was really really afraid of so when the play went on all I did in my meditation and my prayers I said look all I'm interested in is protecting my mum I don't want my mum hurt this is nothing to do with her this is me cleaning out a parasite that's feeding off me so writing about it writing about the detail which was the most difficult thing I've ever done absolutely the most difficult talking about how my will had been taken over so my kingdom had been stolen and how every time these lusts met me they would take over my body and I felt possessed by it so I wanted to write down all of the detail all of the wild imagination all of the stuff my brain was trying to do to try and balance it all of the stuff that nobody wants to talk about all the stuff that I'd read everywhere that nobody would talk about so I just said okay I'm going to write it down and let's just see what happens these were my blackmailers I'm going to expose them to light I'm going to expose them to light and if my theology is right they will be consumed by the light it's unbelievable that you can speak about it so openly and freely and it will help so many others is that the reason why you became one of the most one of the biggest martial arts in the world because was that a protection but you wanted to learn how to fight protect yourself you've got so many black bills you've got so many different things I've lost count now but you actually met your abuser 30 years down the line and a man who can kill in seconds how was that feeling to see him what was that moment like because I know you didn't even do anything this is at that point when I got my fifth and I was starting to realise I needed to work inwards I knew I was strong externally I knew I was weak inside I knew I had got no centre I wasn't connected to myself there was a disconnection which meant I was weak even though I presented as strong so I was starting to look at Budo I was starting to look at in Islam they call it the greater jihad the internal battle there's the lesser jihad which is the external world where we try and roll up the sleeves and fix it and then there's the greater jihad so I was working inwards I felt like forgiveness I was a metaphysical power and then one day I was just sat in this cafe at the height of my physical prowess and I looked across and there he was just me and him in this cafe in Coventry so Serendipity had places together and it was like the universe was nudging me and saying what are you talking about metaphysical power let's have a look at it now and believe me I had a lot of physical skills and they just fell off me like an old coat and I was 11 again I was trembling I could feel the adrenaline in the soles of my feet and on the crown of my head and everything can be wanted to run run run nobody will know nobody even knows you've met this guy he doesn't even know who you are but I would know so I had a chance to do something really brave I knew the physical skills wouldn't work I knew that I could go over and do the physical skills and I could do damage to him but that would just feed whatever parasites inside me the only way I was going to defeat this guy was with a remedy with an attribute and that attribute is compassion compassion means looking at the whole picture recognising I absolutely unequivocably knew what this guy was going to have to go through at this moment in time he was feeding from me there was an intravenous tube between me and him and even though we were disparate he was feeding because every time I thought about him anxiety every time I thought about him rage every time I thought about him all sorts of uncomfortable and welcome feelings he took over my endocrine system he had more control he went into my kingdom in the Old Testament they called the kingdom the land enter the land and the root word of land is will so when they say we've got to find the kingdom of God or we've got to enter the land of God it's not about entering your own will this guy had stolen my will and he took over my will and he got me to do awful things I mean you know the story I batted a lot of people so I recognise at this point that unless I severed this connection unless I broke this connection if I was violent with this guy in any way it would have carried on feeding the parasite feeds off pain it feeds off violence pain bodies feed off pain feed off other pain bodies feed off drama so if I was violent with this guy I was going to feed what was in me even though that might be satisfying it wasn't satisfying to my soul it was an abuse to my soul so I recognised I had to forgive him but I was trembling I could have gone either way I was so full of rage and emotion and it was like climbing out of a dugout and going across no man's land that's how it felt and in psychology they say to you that confronting our schemers confronting our inner demons they said it is the equivalent of going into war with a bain that's how real it feels so these kids out there who feel disproportionately terrified they feel terrified because when they're facing these schemers this damage they just feel like they're facing death so I recognised in retrospect that when this guy abused me he stole something from me he stole my will he entered my kingdom, took my will and in its place he left the hot coals of trauma, of abuse so we left the parasite and that parasite stole my will at will whenever it wanted to and fed off me and I recognised there was an opportunity here to take that what he'd stolen and take it back and give him back the hot coals that's what it says in the Old Testament Saint Paul vengeance belongs to me and I shall repay so if your enemy is hungry feed him if he's thirsty give him drink for in so doing thou shall he coals a fire on his head it's a beautiful parable but what it actually means is that vengeance doesn't belong to the individual we haven't got the power to do that vengeance belongs to reciprocity to the law of compensation cause and effect so give it over to reciprocity and if they're hungry and if they're thirsty in other words if they're looking for truth if they present themselves and they're ready for truth the food and the drink is giving them truth giving them pure truth from faith give them that in so doing the hot coals of abuse that they've given you the parasite that they've planted in you to give back to them so we should chase the people who have hurt us and we should serve the people who have hurt us cause they have something of ours and we need it back and although it's very tempting to be angry and to be violent and 20 people will tell you how well you've done you know that you've just fed something that you're trying to get rid of so I didn't realise that at the time in retrospect when I studied I realised I knew I'd done something powerful because he just collapsed and then he put his hand out and he wanted to shake my hand and his fingers were trembling and I innately knew what he meant what he was doing when he put his hand out and he wanted to shake my hand because he was saying we've got this bond, it's unholy I'm feeding off you, you're feeding off me something bigger than us he's feeding off us what Oribinda would call the adverse forces this negative energy that roams the atmosphere he's feeding off us and I'm going to accept your forgiveness and I'm going to let you separate from me and then I will face reciprocity and you will be free to heal so I'll be free to repent you'll be free to heal and that's what happened and I knew that was what was going on innately I absolutely knew it but I couldn't articulate it at the time so me forgiving him was nothing to do with him it was to do with me letting go of the anger the pain, the fear, the dissonance and so I could start to heal and then I think I said to you I think you've probably read but then some years later I heard that he killed himself he took himself to London he hung himself in a hotel room and I'd been healing a lot by then and I've just felt this tremendous compassion because at some level I recognised that I knew when I forgave him that he would have to face this and I knew how painful that would be because one, as you said earlier yourself one of the few people I've spoke to who actually openly admits how painful it is to repent how painful it is repent means to repair it means to return to the centre it means to find refuge it's very painful because we have to go past all the dead bodies of our past we have to dig up all of those bodies under the patio but if we can do it and we can present ourselves and say these are the things I'm ashamed of these are the things that blackmail me I know you think I've let that guy off but I haven't I've given him over to the fires of random positive I've took that power back that's a brave thing to do so for people including myself who sometimes thinks about revenge sometimes thinks about killing people sometimes thinks about how happy would you be if you'd seen someone who'd done you harm in pain that is them feeding off your what's that you say the parasite in you so to break that connection you've got to do forgive and let go first of all you've got to understand it we have to understand what forgiveness is we think we've got the power to forgive we think we have the power of revenge we don't have that power if I enact violent revenge on somebody all I'm doing is feeding the parasite creating karma which I'm going to have to look at again at some point if I'm violent with somebody if I kill somebody at some point I've got to clean that this compassion is actually a remedy in Islam they call it an attribute it's an attribute of God so it's a remedy it's like an antivirus so we have a virus in us we have a parasite in us and compassion, forgiveness in other words giving over is a remedy to that so we have to understand that karma settles its own accounts always, nothing goes and missed nobody goes and punish nobody goes and rewarded that's basic scientific cause and effect it's the law of compensation so we have to understand that we hold on to grudge because we think we have the power to forgive we don't, we have the power to give it over we can only give it over if we understand it if I believe in karma if I believe in cause and effect and I know that giving it over he will have to settle his own accounts with that force then I've got more reason to do it if I know that it frees me it gives me more reason to do it if I know that being angry and engaging anger and engaging violence feeds anger and violence, feeds him and feeds this negative force that's around whether people want to acknowledge it or not there is a negative force in the universe in the world that's constantly attacking constantly trying to find holes in loose tiles so it can weed its way through when I was 12 and it grew in me till I was probably 40 and when I started to see it by looking at it by writing about it by exposing it to light and when we talk about light I'm talking about exposing it to actually looking at it and getting some intelligence about it so I gave this guy back the hot coals of his abuse he went off and killed himself I felt compassion when he killed himself cos I knew I'm intelligent enough to know that nobody commits a crime a heinous crime unless they are possessed by some false belief unless they are a victim of some false belief I've visited kids around prisons all around the country you probably have yourself I've not met one yet who wasn't either abused when they were a kid or bullied when they were a kid I did a talk at one prison and it was for 50 lifers and every single one of them had father issues absent father violent father abusive father they were all victims I looked at them and the reason I could talk to 50 lifers murderers, drug dealers pedophiles all sorts of every crime you can imagine the reason I could look at them without judging them is cos I knew I'd been a criminal I knew I'd been a victim to this force myself but I also knew I recognised this force recognised that it is an evil force but it can be converted to good a bit like a light bulb you've got a negative positive and a positive and then you've got the element in between so the negative and the positive are impotent without this thing in the middle so this element in the middle creates the light so the element in the middle is our will so if I take the negative and combine it with the positive and put my will in the centre and go okay I'm feeling massive rage I'm going to put my will in the centre and I'm going to drive that rage into 50 books just pass me that Bob thank you say look at that that's my first expression of turning the molten anger into something beautiful this is a book that's taught this people think about it's really about a frightened kid trying to find his way home trying to find his way back to the south so that was my first conversion of negative energy into positive energy and it's gone all round the world it's been a stage play it's been a BAFTA win in film it's been thousands of articles it's been thousands of talks there's been three films made about my life just taken from little stories in here Romans 1220 Romans who I've just done with Orlando Bloom on this book this is what we call converting the material into the spiritual we're converting the negative into the positive so I don't want to project this force in an occult way and say it's all terrible and it's evil and the redevil is trying to chase us but it's true but actually if we recognise this force and use it instead of having that anger and that violence and that rage I'm going to use this platform I'm going to use this gift of energy I'm going to control it this key and I'm going to instead of putting it into a negative filter I'm going to put it into a positive filter so some kid in the middle of nowhere thousands of miles away from here is going to wake up at three in the morning in a cold sweat wants to kill himself he's going to see my interview with you he's going to see your interview with me and he's going to go I can do something with this this is a neutral energy if I'm able to convert it so we can really do something powerful with it you already are brother to think that you were scared to write that book because you were worried about how people would treat you your wife and everything and look what it's done this is the power of speaking out and I always say that speak out open up don't be ashamed don't have pride and to have and to forgive like they say revenge is better served when you actually forgive although that because we've all got ego we've all got revenge we want to hurt them because they think that will heal us but you've just put it there clearly and it's actually made me feel better to realise forgive them just forgive them the pain will dissolve you will break the connection or the parasite will eat you alive so when you started going through all that for a very young age when did you really start getting into martial arts? I started I mean the abuse happened with the martial arts teacher which made it worse because then I became frightened of going to martial arts classes because I thought every teacher is going to abuse me so I started to go I started to train in Shodakan I just had this urge to build up this armory it's actually the armory was very good for me in one way because it gave me the courage to sit down and think well if I can stand in front of someone that wants to kill me outside a nightclub I can sit and write a book I can take a bit of criticism so it gave me the courage to write and tell my story but as I started to write and tell the story my own writing showed me it's like a blueprint of where it was it showed me where I was in alignment it showed me where I was out of alignment and it helped me to start understanding energy if there's a language of God it's energy so it started to say energy is neutral until we conceptualise it is not anything so it's not there's not evil energy or positive energy when you go beyond all that's just energy once we conceptualise it when we conceptualise it we give it a concept it creates a form once we give it a form it has an aspect so I can say this person is evil so that's the form that if he's evil it means he'll take the form of evil and his aspect will be to hurt me and other people so I've created an evil form and an evil aspect out of a concept but if I'm able to go beyond denotation if I'm able to go beyond labels it's really just an energy it's a neutral energy I can do whatever I want with it I can set somebody on fire with a can of petrol or I can heat a house it's absolutely the same energy so once we start to get that we go wow that's what I want to do like you I look at you and I think this guy has massive energy I feel it, it's radiating from you some of it wants to go in the wrong direction same with all of us yeah but that's okay once you see it once you go this is a neutral energy if I let it come through the filter of vengeance then it's going to go out into the world and it's going to act and it's going to create karma there'll be consequences and I'll have to do something with that but if you really want to look at it and go if I can control this energy and bring it through this instrument and project it into the world in a good way it's just going to create a massive kingdom form I want to touch on that when you thought your wife was leaving the room you thought you were being abandoned and I feel like that I'm going to be honest all my relationships break down because my trust issues after maybe 2-3-1 I'll kind of break it up before I feel as if they'll hurt me how do I deal with that, I'm going to ask for myself here how do I deal with the jealousy, the rage the insecurities to work on myself I've worked on so much these are the things that I want to work on now to give a bit of trust and learn how to trust people and if they're going to hurt me then so be it but I don't let it get that far to get hurt is that abandonment issues a scheme if you look up abandonment scheme online it's very powerful, psychotic jealousy the inability to trust the will is taken over by a false belief and it creates imagination and then it actually creates form and it damages the very things that we want to hold dear I remember going on radio 2 and then I was doing this on radio 2 with this anti-self-help guy and he was just saying the idea of thinking thinking reality into form is ridiculous, the idea of you know, he kept going on about the secret and all of the he kept saying there were snake hole salesmen and stuff like this and the interviewer said to me what's your thoughts and I said well I can only tell you from my experience I said I have absolutely created amazing relationships and I've created fortunes with my thinking and I said I can also tell you with the same thinking reversed I've destroyed relationships with people with my thinking because my thinking has become words and my words have become actions so I can absolutely tell you that our thinking does create our reality and it creates according to the filters we've got so what I started to do was recognise that first of all I don't need to trust my wife James I don't need to trust my wife I just really initially I need to trust myself so I started to say we'll do a trust myself and I said no I look at pornography every time she's not looking I'm going and masturbating when she's not looking I don't even need to I've got a great relationship but I'm doing all that behind her back I don't need to trust her I need to trust me and I absolutely didn't trust me I didn't even trust my own hands then I realised later when I did more internal dialectics that probably while I'm in a human body I'm never going to be able to trust the ego it's always looking for a way to rebel I'm never going to be able to trust myself so what can I trust? I can trust God but I'm not talking about a man in the sky with kind eyes and a beard I'm talking about a highest potential a higher power so I can think if I can connect to that still centre the buddys call it the still centre if I can connect to that place to intuition that's the only thing I can trust in order to get to that I need to get rid of all the obscurations all the clutter so I need a clear view and to get a clear view I need to remove all the things that aren't clear the good thing is with you is that you have self-awareness and you're honest so you can go these things I'm doing and I know they're not right but I don't know how to get rid of them I would get rid of them by not engaging them I'm identifying with them more because I used to get angry a lot I was kind of getting punched in doors and kicking holes in walls it's petty embarrassing stuff but I'm identifying with it I changed my neural pathways into thinking because I do affirmations every morning as well I repeat to myself that I am good enough I am strong, I am protected and it makes me feel better I believe it raises my vibration I believe all the external stuff that I was doing wanting materialistic things the drug abuse, drug abuse all the sex, all the bullshit, the gambling I was doing all that but it was poking holes in more and I felt more and I felt as if more things were seeping in on a conscious frame of mind I understand that if I have a bad day it's down to me and I can change it but these are the now things that I want to work on within trust myself because I don't trust anybody I'm going to bonus you if I still struggle with trust issues but really I'm working on it this is something that I listen we'll be working on myself through the day we die I just want to improve myself so people can look and take inspiration and go if he can do it I can do it I'm still learning so I'm not necessarily what I'm saying or doing is right but it feels right for me including yourself people will watch and go that's amazing other people will take negatives that's what people do you can read that page on something and take negatives or positives and same as myself I just think sometimes that's the card you're dealt all the shit that you went through for such a very young age there's no major interest in a beautiful human being who can now help change others lives you wouldn't be able to speak in prisons if you never went through all the pain and trauma if I never went through all my addictions I wouldn't be able to be speaking helping people with suicide they're doing the homeless work that we do again to do the other stuff in life and try to help others I feel sometimes I'm doing that because it's rewarding for me so I question that also why am I doing the suicide stuff why am I doing the homeless stuff because I don't feel right for me I don't want the approval but I feel good try to help somebody else the money, the attention it is all bullshit it's all outside noise just try to keep working on yourself but do you feel as if though we can constantly search Jeff and forget to live as well we just want to always know answers but it's not, it isn't really about searching it's just about recognising what is not you and then no longer engaging it so reality exists at the level of engagement so if you identify with a feeling of thought if we engage it, if it rises up in us and we engage it and then we think it and speak it and then act it then it's possessed us so for that moment in time when we engage that thought we are incarnated into that personality so if I engage negativity if I engage anger and I act on it then I am in that moment in time I am incarnated into that into that personality so I'm incarnated into an angry personality the angry personality acts in the world creates karma and then when it recedes because it's had its feed then the normal James has got to come forward and he's got to pick up the bills like the respectable Doctor Hyde is always picking up the bills for the disrespectful Mr Jekyll I think it's Doctor Jekyll he's always picking up the bills for Mr Hyde so it's his alter personality so we've got to recognise that if you don't engage it, it doesn't exist we have to learn not to engage it we have to learn to recognise when thoughts and emotions approach or when they rise in us and if we don't give them engagement if we don't identify with them they have no existence so if they've got existences because we've given them so the first thing is to see them go they're not I'm not going to engage those feelings because that's just a waste of beautiful energy like I said the language of God is energy so I'm not going to waste that so the practice then becomes observing, finding the observer finding the witness and watching the energies so you sit in the centre of the arc here and you watch the energies rise you watch them lift, you watch them approach and watch what they do if you don't engage them watch how they just dissipate again dissolve so we think the thoughts are ours you think they're your thoughts but they're not your thoughts they may have a partner in you they may have an old script or an old wound or something there but thought is a separate realm it is another realm so it's like gravity, it's a separate thing and what we do is we don't recognise that so we go I felt this, I thought this and we don't recognise that they're not our thoughts so once we recognise that the thoughts come from outside of us we can start to monitor ourselves and go I'm going to watch that do I want to engage that thought do I want to identify with that thought is there something in me that identifies with it and if there is I'm going to stop feeding it and if you don't engage it you get stronger at this holding this observer centre and you don't engage it so eventually you only engage the thoughts that are going to be beneficial to you and other people and of course you will feel good about it because I'm just a vessel I don't have love in me I don't have energy in me, I'm just a vessel for it so if I want love I just need to find someone who needs it more than me and I can be a receptacle for it then it can coat and sate every one of my trillions of cells before I process it and give it to you because anger can take over at cortisol, what's the adrenaline that releases the brain if you think about the pain of the past it can release the chemicals to the emotions that you'd felt that day the brain such a powerful tool it's amazing but when you started getting into the bouncing and stuff what age were you then my early twenties I'd had a breakdown probably you know, 22, 23 I'd had lots of depressions caused by this as a displacement to what happened to me when I was a kid also I had this creative urge and wasn't finding an outlet for it so I had this kind of terrible depression and somewhere in the middle of this depression where depression used to come into my life and just take over just used to wipe me out and then this one particular time I just found this I just found this rage I think I connected with my soul and I just said I'm not having this anymore that's the last time you're going to do this that's the last time you're going to come into my life and kick down my door and take over my life and take over my wife and my kids and you know kind of end my existence for as long as you want to end it I'm not going to do it I'm not having it anymore so I just had this idea to write down everything I was afraid of everything I drew a pyramid on a piece of paper I wrote my least fear on the bottom step my worst fear on the top step and I systematically started to confront my fears I started to embrace them intercourse with them until they dissipated until I got to the top of the pyramid and the top of the pyramid was the fear of violent confrontation and that was the story of watch were back of why I wrote watch were back and what happened on the door power went on there for salvation to overcome a fear but I became violent myself I got addicted to it I got addicted to the life it was like Sodom and Gomorrah and Pompeii all mixed into one it was delicious it was seedy it was colourful it was exotic and if you wanted to draw if you wanted to draw the end of Sodom Gomorrah that's what it was like it was intoxicating but frightening at the same time and I knew I was absolutely new I was at my death I was no fighter I got a second down in karate but I got no control of my endocrine system I got no control of my adrenaline and I just decided after one night that I'm not going to do this anymore it's too much I'm just going to take it off my list and just move on but at the end of the night I was working with a guy called John Anderson who was this I think I was quietly in love with him because he was such a powerful guy he spoke twice a year or smiled twice a year and spoke like he was being charged by the letter he was just this cool black guy he was benching four plates squatting five plates and punched like a professional boxer and he was monosyllabic hardly ever spoke but he was just this fierce presence and he took a like into me he said you're clumsy, you're a greenhorn but you stayed he said so if you want to carry on and do a bit more and he took me under his wing and he quietly taught me he taught me to find the centre he taught me to build an eye wall so I could sit in the middle of chaos I could sit in the middle of life threatening fear and control myself I could stay there because I became too violent myself I started to batter people I started to humanise people I didn't really understand karma I thought I was doing a good job I didn't realise that every person I hit was something I'd have to pay for later on so once I started to realise that I started to realise it because I wrote about it I started to work on reversing it I started thinking I don't want to leave people with a black eye or a broken jaw I want to leave people inspired I want to leave people thinking this guy has convinced me I can change the world but to do that I've got to be it's no good to me telling them they can change the world if I can't change my socks one today it's no good to me telling them that they have the power to change reality if I can't resist a second beer or if I can't resist a second pudding or I can't stop myself from gossiping about somebody assassinating their character over a coffee at Costa I've got to have control I've got to understand karma I've got to understand that when I speak in Japanese aikido the use of magic sounds so when I speak I am releasing spirits and energies into the world that are going to go out and work am I releasing good energies or am I releasing negative energies so I started to understand that I don't want to do anything that doesn't come from kindness to be able to do that you've got to find out who you are and at the moment we were talking earlier you're talking about who you are and who you're not when you're talking about the anger and the inability to trust those are parts of you that aren't you so that's good so you look at that and go it's not you that can't trust but there is an element in you or an elemental in you or a parasite in you you've got to observe that you've got to bring it forward and when it rises up and goes I can't trust you've just got to go not having that it's not a good use of my energy I'm either going to get boot that out like a squatter or I'm going to convert it into something beautiful because it can ruin your days it can ruin days, weeks, months, years a guy like you you're in a dangerous position a guy like me is in a dangerous position because we're going to go out there we want to tell people they can change the world because they can so these energies these energies that are pervading these Roman lines of negativity they are going to make their way to you and they're going to find a way into you through any crack and that's why they're good for you if you don't heed them and they come through the crack they can kill you, they can destroy you we've seen that, we've seen what happens to people when they allow negativity in so these energies need to be James you've got to leak here this anger, this lack of trust that's just a leak and I'm going to climb in and I'm going to be all over you I'm going to destroy relationships and I'm going to discredit you and I'm going to kill the platform that you've got I'm going to kill it because you won't be able to handle the energy that's coming through you so you've got to recognise that these are a blessing they're God's master swordsmen they've come to show you how to use your energy so we go okay I'm feeling mistrust is that who I am so don't engage it if someone knocks the door and his name is mistrust his name is psychotic jealousy you're not going to let him in and sit down are you you're not going to let him into this beautiful place and sit down and take advantage of everything but that's what we do when we engage these negative feelings so we have to look at it and go when that rises up in now I'm just not going to engage it whether you find the root of it it's just really about not engaging it just not acting on the thought but not feeding it either are you feeding it these things feed off excessive food they feed off excessive drink they feed off other people's charms other people's validation any form of pornography sexual pornography violent pornography they feed off any of these negativities so it's never really about what people are eating it's about what people are feeding so when you stop feeding these parasites eventually they'll just go I ain't going to hang around here this guy's not giving us anything and we think that we don't live and that we don't enjoy then because we're not having those things but actually we're not living and enjoying when we do have them because we're not ourselves so maybe we're two or three or ten different personalities so the idea is recognizing that reality exists at the level of engagement if it rises up in you do you want this to be your reality when you speak you release spirit you release energy and that goes out into the world and works and it brings you back the profit so I've been reading a lot of stuff about when you're speaking like people gossiping it's like black magic because people are always complaining about their job their relationships and that's not the people you should be hanging around with that as black magic you're putting that in the existence and if you're surrounded by it it will seep into your pores as well it's still nuts that I don't know why I've come into all this stuff the stuff that I'm reading, the stuff that I'm learning the stuff about myself it's a beautiful thing but like you say it is scary to put yourself and be so vulnerable because we all care what others think and once you break that chain that we don't actually care anymore it takes you to different levels when that rises up and it says this part of me cares what people think and go is that me the soul in the centre is not affected by that it's impervious to all that in the very very centre of the still centre none of those things exist so if it rises up and I care and I need validation and I allow myself to engage that and I've created a bond between me and the need for validation and that's going to feed off me and that's going to affect my work especially if you're relying on things for sponsorship and you're relying on a win and award or if you want someone to acknowledge you all those things feed the parasite so what we do is we go all I want to do is bring down energy this is what started Watch My Back I was so angry that people weren't telling the truth and they weren't being vulnerable and I was so depressed I was reading everything and nobody was telling the truth and I remember thinking when I find the truth I'm going to tell everybody and I didn't realise but that is the secret the tree of life that's the secret to abundance there's a lovely saying in the Zohar the king sets the table for the servant before he eats himself in other words we find somebody that's more needy and more vulnerable than us and we go I want to bring this information down this money down this wealth down so that I can serve the kid who's sleeping in a doorway or so that I can serve the people out there who are lost and trying to find themselves so when we draw down in order to serve others there will be abundance but this energy will just go this is a rich energy you're a hundred watt bulb you want to take in a thousand watts we need to change the infrastructure we need to master the infrastructure we're not going to bring a thousand watts into a hundred watt bulb there will be a glow of light and a little pop it's not sustainable so we go we prepare the infrastructure and that's about completely immersed in your life into this service but as you said earlier on which is very insightful all service is self service Charles Handy calls it proper selfishness when we do things that are good for the people it serves us of course it does so what I do I don't think about serving you I don't think about serving the kid in the street I think about serving God because he's omniscient he's omnipotent so if I'm saying to this being show me how to serve you it means I'm serving me it means I'm serving you it means I'm serving everybody if I say show me how to serve James then it will just show me how to serve one person but if I say show me how to serve you it will give me the overview of everything so I follow that divine satanab I listen to intuition I develop acoustic clarity and I really sharpen my vision so that I'm hearing and I'm seeing through do you look for signs and stuff maybe numbers and stuff like that do you look for that kind of stuff I don't look for it but it does come all that stuff comes all of it's indicators kind of guidance I know people may see butterflies may be see the numbers people can see that as signs from whatever as a higher being a higher power to guide you there's meaning behind everything there's meaning behind every action every single thing how long were you a bouncer for probably probably I think it was about eight years something like that I know I worked at one point I was working six nights a week and I was working everywhere I was in it up to my nuts it was all I did was that because you enjoyed the fighting I just loved the world I'd gone from this depressive kid who was frightened of aspiring in the bath to standing and guarding the door with some of the biggest villains in the city so I was there was this sense of it was a false power but it was a sense of power and it was good it was bad in that it was only physical and psychological but it was good in the fact that it was physical and the psychological and the physiological and we're not going to spill into the metaphysical so doing properly doing the doors and properly learning what works and what doesn't work and understanding how to deal with not people but energies you're learning to deal with the most volatile seductive energies and to be able to control their energies you've got to be able to control your energy now although I say I went a bit corrupt with that which I did I did learn to control energies I learned to manage energies but that took me to a level where I thought I need more, I want more because I recognise, I'm certainly on the door thinking, I said to my wife once everywhere I go in Coventry there's violence, it's a violent city and she said there's a common denominator it's everywhere you go and I recognise that my beliefs my cognitions, my perceptions I recognise they were all set off, they were all slightly off so I thought I was actually creating it because everybody who I hang around with I used to say everybody takes drugs everybody gambles, they didn't it's just because I hung around with those people though because it didn't make me feel as much of a loser because then it felt normal but we actually stepped out this very small box that you're in we don't all do that I just done it and I hung about with the exact same people on the exact same vibration that just met me at that time we all made each other feel better we were all lost, we were all losers and I don't mean that to put anybody down but I just feel as if we were just lost and you were getting that power where you thought it's a fake power but you thought you were the man it's funny because I don't have you the biggest what is a gangster? it's a weak man who tells other weak men what to do in my opinion you ain't a bad man but when you break it all down you okay if not the world but you were breaking inside you were vulnerable, you were weak you were scared and all that stuff as I'm asked so I never glorified gangsters, people might say the name gangster but I don't glorify anyone I try and get people to understand these people were broken, they were hurt they were damaged and look what they're trying to achieve to create a better life I met with Matt Franke Fraser, Dave Courtney Reggie Craig used to ring me all the time, he used to write to me and I never judged them because I was very violent and I remember being in a room with Matt Franke Fraser, I was on a radio show there was him, there was Ronnie Biggs he was on the phone, there was a New York police woman who turned into a pornography star and it was on the Terry Christian show and I remember first of all I remember thinking I'm surrounded I know what's inside me because it's surrounding me but I remember talking to Matt Franke Fraser and seeing God through him that's what I remember, I remember this energy he was charming, obviously he was volatile and he's done a lot of bad things but he was charming and when I spoke to him I remember him being a very small physical man but he filled the room I mean he filled the room with his menace, with his presence I remember thinking, I remember seeing the signature there thinking there's a signature beyond this this is a powerful energy but it's coming through negative filters he's got beliefs and fears so there he's filtered and this powerful energy is coming through them and creating negatively but I remember thinking if this guy could align himself to goodness, to service he'd fill stadiums because he had access to something and I didn't want to judge him I just wanted to understand it same as when Reggie Cray used to ring me up I could feel the menace through the phone I could feel it vibrating through the phone I could feel it permeating my life and I wanted to know I wanted to know what the origin of that signature was because I knew beyond that I knew that it was a negative I knew that it was a negative representation but I knew that it had a pure signature so it's like like water coming through a pipe if it comes through a dirty pipe it's going to come out of the end dirty so I just thought I want to find the source of this I want to be able to access the energy they've got but I want to be able to be in a room I want my proximity to that energy to be so close that people are healed or people are transported or people are inspired just because I'm in the room even if they don't know who I am and that's about proximity that's about getting as close to the clean water as possible these people had it it just come through a negative filter I had it and it was coming through violent filters because I had the wrong beliefs so once I was able to strip those back this is what the Buddha said I'm freed from denotation by consciousness in other words I don't see labels there are no labels there is no good, there's no bad there's no high, there's no low there's no upside down, there's no right way up there is just energy and then I'm the vessel that it comes through it's going to create a negative filter it's going to create in a negative way so denotation means that we put a label on something I put a label on this microphone I put a label on this glass of water I might put a label on you or that camera but actually it's all made up of exactly the same molecules we label it but if we stop labelling everything it stops becoming anything the human beings have became very judgmental though I'm including myself Jeff how do I work on that stop judging people it judges that reflection of me seeing my insecurities in them when I say this I do identify it I know I'm going to kick on I know I'm going to change the world I might sound egotistic but I'm going to make the best documentaries and I want to be the biggest podcast in the world even that I question that because what really does that mean as well I just want to work on all these things because I know it will just shoot us into the stratosphere my energy will rise my vibration will rise and then I'll be not unstoppable but I just know if I work on and tweak all these wee things that it's just going to take us into another level how do you work on like the judgmental stuff and what you're looking at is the part of all the stuff you want is what you already are that's the point you see what I'm saying so you already are unstoppable you already are touching the whole universe so what you're looking for is very worthy but you already are it my advice to you if you're asking me is to remove all the things that aren't that judgment is not that judgment is just good thing with judgment is just add a couple of words to the end of it so if you say that person is greedy just add at the end of it just like me that person is greedy just like me that person is a C just like me that person is horrible just like me if you don't understand basic psychology you recognise that we don't like another people is what we don't like in ourselves so if the person we're judging is greedy or whatever he is he represents something in us that we don't like so he's a teacher give him a check take him for a coffee thank him even if you hate the guy he's your teacher because he's showing you a projection of what's in you that means you can go home forget about him he's a distraction just work on that party's shown you just work on that because that's true everybody will become your teacher everything will become your teacher the beams in your house on the wood on your floor will be your teacher everything will reflect back to you where you are so when you became 8th Dan and got all the black belts I questioned myself for trying to be the best podcast I believe we need purpose I believe we need drive I've found my lane I love what I do which is the most important thing how do you find the balance door because a question of what does it mean to be number one what does it mean to be an 8th Dan what does it actually mean we've come back to the centre again what I said before you already are that in the centre so what you're looking for is in you so if you really want to do all that you need to contract in order to expand you need to contract you see what I'm saying so you need to contract anything egoic anything that you need validation for anything you need praise for the part of you that you're looking for is all of those things you've already got it but it is obscured so you can look at what you have to ask yourself is what in me is obscuring that so if you take your clothes off and look in the mirror we want to tell people we can change the world I wanted to tell people they could change the world I couldn't even change my own waist size I was over weight I was carrying about forced down too much weight I was saying I was going to change the world but I couldn't resist a third cake I couldn't resist another beer I was saying I was going to change the world and I was saying we are powerful beings but I was still watching sexual pornography and allowing parasites across the threshold so if you really want to be all those things it's just a matter of going away and going well you're talking about gossip you're talking about moments of feeling violence just start working on them so it's just understanding you're already of those things the validation so it's basically I'm looking for the validation it's just to understand that you're already of those things you don't really need the validation perfect I'm asking a lot of questions about myself mate because I feel as if we're going to be connected for as long as we're on this planet I don't know why I just feel that connection that you can help me a long way no doubt we can help each other but I feel as if that you've got a lot of inspiration you know a lot of stuff I'm at the start of my journey you're clearly going through years you've done a lot of changes and everything you're doing you've got the courage because you're talking about it you're recognising it you're owning it and not what I'm saying is in order to expand you need to contract and in order to contract you need to expand so we need to contract the ego I remember talking to Yuri Geller on the phone once and I said to him Yuri how can I improve this many years ago and he said to Jeff you need to expand and then I did a a dedicated meditation with Mahatma Gandhi and I said to Mahatma Gandhi how can I improve he said you need to make yourself small both of them were saying the same things so we need to contract the ego in order to expand consciousness and we need to expand consciousness in order to contract the ego so if you meditate and start doing your aphorisms and your prayer especially meditation that expands conscious awareness as you expand conscious awareness the ego automatically contracts they don't sit well together if you start to contract the ego by doing the work by getting his palate right and when I say palate what you eat what you drink what you take in through the eyes anything you ingest when you start to control the palate and start to control the ego and subjugate the ego you will automatically make more room for consciousness so God's saying to you and to me you can have as much of me as you want you can have as much consciousness as you want, you just have to make room and whilst we whilst we can't change our own physical body to a healthy place we can't stand in front of people this is what Zig Ziglar said he was telling people they could change the world and one of them said do you really believe this and he said yeah absolutely he said so why are you four stone overweight and he was a good point lost the four stone and then I would say to people you can change the world but don't look at me too closely listen to everything I'm saying don't look at me too closely because I'm still working on it I'm still working on it he was aware that we have to be a living example of what we say we have to be a living example of what we want to do so if you want to really improve this podcast and make it global then start contracting start working on myself people can see they can see if you're in a good place no matter if you think you've got vision or you can see orders or energies you can notice that one good dog will make seven dogs piss it's an old Japanese saying you know what I mean one good person, one aligned person people will automatically align we want to excite them and say to them you really want to be powerful if you really want to be powerful be kind every day be kind we can't even be kind to the reflection in the mirror be kind to people put it every time you sit down with your friends and you feel it coming on just take your phone out put it on tape record and if you want to start gossiping about people let's give it a gossip about John let's give it to John afterwards and see what he thinks about it we'd be very quiet it's recognising that this energy is pure it's beautiful and stuff like that but also we don't want to put literal beings into the world with our sound and create negative things when you were a bouncer there was two events, one you were nearly killed and then two you nearly killed someone what were those events that happened I had a lot of moments of terror and then followed by moments of clarity I'd have the 4am phone call we're going to kill your wife we're going to shoot your children we're always getting death threats people turning up with guns four of my friends were murdered during the time I was a bouncer it was a very real threat so you managed that but I had one occasion where I was working it was just kind of me bearing in mind Coventry was a rough city you could start a fight in an empty room it was just I was just doing a night in this particular place and it was really ran by this particular gang and I was just kind of covering for somebody and when it kicked off the doormen were in the pocket of this gang because they were a notorious gang a very dangerous gang and they were in the pocket of this gang and when it kicked off I realised it was like a proper bar fight proper John Wayne fight, I got glassed and I was knocking a lot of people out and the only thing I did right really was I stayed on my feet and I didn't go down and that's why I didn't die but I got battered but I just stayed up and the guy that instigated the whole thing I went outside and followed him outside and said listen you're full of noise in there and you've got all your friends in there with two or three people I went outside, the doormen locked me out so the doormen disappeared when it kicked off and when I went outside they locked me out so I was on my own and the technique I used to use is from from Sun Tzu Sun Tzu the Art of War separate your enemy from his allies so I said listen lads I've got no argument with you this is just about me and him and they went so I said just me and you so I took all his allies away and he goes it's not safe and I said what do you mean it's not safe I said my friends have locked me outside I'm on my own, it's just me and you anyway you bottled it I felt you do fear your mortality you do think how I didn't die I don't know, there's only I think the train in Shotokan which was a very very tough Japanese art although you know although I got battered I didn't go down, I stayed up and that's what kept me alive but I went away and I said to my class listen I got battered last night I said only my spirit my will kept me on my feet and it really made me think about a lot of things so I had a lot of incidents like that where I really felt something extra but then there was this one particular night where I had a fight with this guy in a place I used to work called The Devon and he was another karate guy as it turned out and he was just a customer and I was desperately trying to transcend the physical I was trying to become less physical I was trying to talk to people I was trying to articulate and this guy for whatever reason took a dislike to me and he just kept looking at me when I was collecting glasses at the end of the night as I went to the bar he would just step him away and bump me and I was just thinking he had no idea he had no idea what I was doing and where I was and what I could do he just obviously sort of a bolding kind of articulate guy and just thought I don't care who he is you know I don't like him so I said to my friend what's wrong with him he said I don't know he just doesn't like you I said does he want to talk to me you know he inverted commas and he goes yeah I think he wants to talk to you so I went over and I said to him do you want to talk to me and I said you keep bumping into me I said do you want to talk do you want to go outside and talk he said yeah I fancy that so I said okay let's go outside but I was scalding this stuff most people are amateurs it's just what they do now and again or what they fancy I was scalding this this is all I did but I held in so much rage because I was trying to change that I just destroyed him and when he was unconscious someone picked him up to try and carry him to the car and I hoofed him as hard as I could in the head couldn't stop myself I was gone I was gone he was like every enemy I'd ever met in the world and as soon as I kicked him I mean if you imagine his face is here someone's holding him up like that and I'm in front of him and I back healed him as hard as I could in the face and knocked him back out again and then I heard people saying he's dead he's dead they couldn't get him round they dragged him to the car the toes of his shoes were scratching on the floor and I just remember fearing even my friend Seymour who was with me this guy's a veteran one of the most experienced guys you could ever meet even he looked worried even he said I don't know what you're doing he was like this and I remember thinking that's it it's over it's gone I'm going to lose my liberty I'm going to I've still got this background of faith and I'm thinking I'm going to lose my place in the hereafter I knew something had ended I knew this guy was going to die and I was never going to be able to recover and I remember driving home and I've told this story before but I was driving through the midnight streets of Coventry and it was like the veil had dropped it was like everything was sparkling you know like suddenly you don't realise what you've got somebody takes it away but it was other dimensional the streets were sparkling the lights were sparkling I've got this sickness in me I felt this sickness because I was thinking I'm losing all this for what just for this I shouldn't even be on the door I shouldn't even be in that environment I shouldn't be there I went home my wife was asleep and I remember now the heat was radiating off her and she was glowing like a being you know what I mean I can't even explain it but it was spiritual I just thought she is so beautiful and I've lost her I went into the other room and my kids were asleep and I knocked down by my kids I couldn't believe how much I loved these kids they were so beautiful and I'm gone you know yourself if I go into prison they're not going to be the same kids when I come out my wife isn't going to be the same person there will be changes if I lose this girl this night if I lose these kids this night they are not going to be the same I've had a lot of people at friends who are in prison now doing life and double life and I've had a lot of friends go to prison and when they come out everything's changed the people they've left behind aren't the same people that connection, that love isn't there something has been damaged that won't be repaired it goes into something else and I knew that I was just so afraid I was so terrified and I got down on my knees and I said to God, look, please let this guy live please let him live if you let him live I promise you I promise you I will turn this around I saw it, I just had a a moment of clarity, I had a glimpse now some moments of clarity lift you and you're floating you're in a honeymoon period and some moments of clarity destroy you it's like fire going through you and I was sick for 24 hours any mention of violence on the news was like it was like all my ego would collapse and it was like my soul was like a child and it was on full display and it was tortured by anything to do with violence anything to do with anger and hate and I could see, I could suddenly see that even well-intentioned violence rebounded on itself so for 24 hours it was I was lying in bed all night awake and every time I heard felt like I'd heard the crack of a policeman's boot on my doorstep I thought, if he's dead they're going to come and get me in the night they know who I am I'm known in the city everybody, you know, there was 50 witnesses and it wasn't like I would have any chance I'd have no chance at all, I didn't just knock him out I waited for him to come round and knocked him out again it's just savage they would have thrown away the key it would have been an 18 with intent, well it would have been murder it would have been murder and the intent would have been seen because of what I did and it would have been a life because you were like a karate expert as well it would have made it even worse anyway, he didn't die and that's it, I started to turn it round but it was I didn't recognise it at the time I was a moment of clarity I just recognised that God comes to me in different ways when I got invited to teach in Las Vegas for Chuck Norris I remember coming back from there and I was floating for two years I had a proper Kundalini epiphany where I was impervious nothing affected me I just felt love I felt love in my fingertips I felt like anything I touched could be changed but sometimes it comes through and it cleans stuff and this particular one when it came through it rushed through, it picked up every defilement all these things we were talking about anger, jealousy, it picked them all up and they were like entities with their own voices and it was like someone had opened the cells to open 20 cells that once and all of these monsters come rushing out and I was I was on fire and then the next day, like I said this guy lived and I started to turn it around I retired from the door How old were you? I was 32 It's kind of weird a lot of people I speak to they kind of make the changes between 28 and 35 and their life is so weird and a lot of people I come on here who have got life in prison or who are addicts go on their knees at one point and say please forgive me or please give me another chance and I will totally change my life whether they speak to God there's over 5000 different gods but there is a higher power there is someone out there guiding you and it's scary to think that a lot of people has been on this show and says please give me guidance or show me and they've totally transformed their life Then you start to see real power you start to see yourself as a vessel for power you start to see yourself as an instrument of power so you don't recognise it as yours I don't recognise those books as mine they're forgeries I don't recognise them as mine they come through me they pick up my stories they pick up my flavours notes from a factory floor which we've just released now and a book called The Divine Sea I couldn't write that good they're beautiful I sat down with those books 300,000 words and they came out in 16 weeks and I sat down full time if I had more stamina I could have written them without stopping they just came through me and they formed themselves I didn't have to think about it at all so although it picks up on my flavours and it picks up on my stories I know they're not me that's why I can be objective this film we're just in with Orlando Bloom about the metaphysical power of forgiveness I can tell you it's a beautiful film I can tell you it's Oscar worthy because it's not mine I'm like a postman that's delivered it but it hasn't come from me but it's come from somewhere that I can access so my job is to try and make myself available so that I can access that more often what was it like then when you were a bouncer and teaching to kids were you using being a bouncer as an excuse to have violence because it was self-defence but then going to teach kids because there's all that stuff not about self-control self-worth but you feeling like a fraud as well I felt like a hypocrite because I was you don't bump into it until you start to write about it and when you write about it it's like a reflection you're looking at it again this is a reflection of you start to see yourself in the true light you're starting to do interviews we're starting to do interviews on Sky and on daytime TV and on radio too and I was recognising I was talking to intellectuals and I couldn't rationalise the violence I could talk but I couldn't justify what I was doing and I recognised they were afraid of me you know so I started people started to question what I was doing they were asking me to articulate it and qualify it and I couldn't qualify it so that made me want to dig deeper it made me want to go further so I started to read philosophy and psychology I did a masters degree in the psychology of martial arts and started and studied the endocrine system studied that loop of adrenaline I started to study the psychology of stuff as well like I said and the philosophy and that led me into the spiritual terms and not just the revealed books like you pick up a bible that's a revealed that's what you would call the revealed Torah I started to to access the hidden Torah the books beyond that so you've got the bible which is just like a book full of allegories and stories to explain complex matters but beyond that you've got for instance with the Torah with the Old Testament beyond that you've got Kabbalah and beyond Kabbalah you've got the Zohar and the Tanya on all of these exegesis all of these explanations of the hidden works the esoteric works and they're full of arcana they're full of things that you won't get from picking up a book that says the earth was built in seven days that's just an allegory but if you go beyond that you start to go into the hidden Torah or into the hidden martial arts you start to see the magic you start like with the hidden martial arts I recognised when I was on the door that I was creating these monsters unconsciously and then I was developing tools to defend myself against the very monsters I was creating and forgotten I recognised I could use sound to wound people I could use my voice and sound in a certain way I used to knock people over with sound and I used to make people time travel with sound I would say see you I'm going to find out where you work you work at the Dunlop I've seen you around I'm going to find where you work I'm going to come to where you work and then I'm going to come and find out where you live and I'm going to come to your house you come into my front room you're kicking off outside my door I'm going to come to your house so I didn't know I was doing it but I was literally lifting them out of their body taking them to two days in the future and saying this is the consequence of what you're doing here today I'm going to bring you back to your body and I'm going to use an exercise to flood you with adrenaline so I'm going to use sharp dialogue sharp sound I'm going to use the shape of threat to trigger your adrenaline to trigger the flight instinct to trigger terror so you can see what the consequences of this are so we used to really play around with sound I said they call it Cotidarmagaku and in Egyptology they would call it Heca again the use of sound the use of magic sound so you started to understand the revealed martial arts and we found out what worked in a real fight so the revealed martial arts will teach you what works in a dojo the hidden martial arts will put you in an environment which will strip away on ostentation and show you just what works so we understood what worked so much that it was like magic it was like you were working with people who had no idea that they were out of the fight before they even knew they were in it that wasn't very nice but I needed to understand it what I learned to do with that then was I used to use later I would learn to use sound and touch like mudras and signals and sound to heal people suggestion to heal people suggestion to project people into the future or to project people into the past to heal so I would use exactly the same techniques but not to harm people but to heal people so then I wasn't putting negative karma into the world I was putting positive karma into the world what did you do then after you stopped doing the bouncing well it was interesting because what happened was I started to I was working in a factory as a floor sweeper and I started to tell the stories about the door to the guys on the factory floor over breakfast and one of my friends said these stories are great they're really funny and some of them are really serious and he said you should write them down and then I remembered I'd wanted to be a writer since I was a kid so when I got some notepads from the stores and a big biro and I sat in the toilet every day and I wrote my first book when people say they haven't got the facility to write or the time to write you don't need many things to write a book so I sat down and I wrote and watched my back that was my first book and of course I realised I had no idea about how to publish a book I didn't believe it was possible so I had to really start to expand myself intellectually I had to start to understand publishing how to find publishers how to present to a publisher and then once I got a book published and realised it was possible I started to go on the radio and on television so I started to have to articulate and explain what I was doing to other people and some of these people were massively educated so you just couldn't go on and justify anything you had to qualify it, they demanded it they demanded that you qualify they wanted to see your workings out and if you couldn't qualify it you'd soon be ridiculed on national television so I started to really think I want to understand this more so I started to really study became an autodidact I started to read more I started to train with the best people and the word I could train with and I recognised if I could find the truth on the door because that's what I did I found efficacy on the door the martial arts is full of it's full of clubs that are teaching things that just don't work but they're teaching it as though it does work and I knew that when I went on the door the environment just stripped away ostentation it showed me the truth and it was so obvious and so fundamental it was an insult but that piece of truth I found on the Coventry nightclub as a club second dam rippled across the world right across the world I ended up being invited over to Las Vegas by Chuck Norris to teach over there it was great really lovely, he sat me down we had a cup of tea and he told me about when Bruce Lee used to ring him up and say come and spa when he asked me to do way of the dragon he said you want to be able to beat a world champion on film do you that's what you're after we had a good laugh but he said to me listen anyone could do this how good was Bruce Lee his energy seemed a whole different tremendous energy, he was a martial artist I think he was phenomenal and I think as an investigator he was really investigator I don't think he understood self defence he understood martial arts as being self defence but martial arts can be lots of things it can be recreational, it can be sport it can be art but self defence is a separate thing and with the greatest respect I would say he didn't understand that but what he did understand was power and dynamism and he was the very first people to start saying listen we need to incorporate some judo in here we need to incorporate some wrestling some boxing we need to incorporate other arts he was a deeply philosophical guy so I think he would have found all of that he certainly inspired me anyway how do you think he died do you think that was a conspiracy some people say he was too fit as well I don't really when I studied him a lot when I was younger he died from because he was hypersensitive to an ingredient in a prescribed tablet I think he'd got a headache and one of his friends was on prescribed tablets and he took a tablet and they said he was hypersensitive to it and that killed him so I don't suppose you'll ever know all you can look at is what he left and he left a legacy of he kind of left this legacy of potential because I think he would have found the way he was investigating his investigative nature he would have found more and more arcana and he would have probably disappeared from public view exactly because again that is an illusion as well because again there's another conspiracy for you to say that he was took out because he was uncovering a lot of things about energies and he was giving away secrets for martial arts and stuff like that because he was the first one to westernize it as well he came out of America it's possible but it's one of those things a problem with conspiracy it's a rabbit hole everything's a conspiracy to me if you want to look at conspiracy you just come back to the self is it going to help me am I going to spend years looking for conspiracies or am I just going to come back and find out who I am so I don't get caught up in that because there's no way I was ever possibly knowing but it's a rabbit hole that we can go down that will consume massive amounts of energy so I'll just come back to the self all I'm interested in is I need one reference point my reference point everything is the self it's the singularity so everything about my life is about return refuge, repentance in other words coming back to that centre place and that's exciting because then you realise that everything everything starts from that one point it's the geometric point in buildings a geometric point is the point where it's the start point the infinitesimal start point that a construction starts from so it might be like it we start from a single-celled amoeba and now we're trillions and trillions of cells big, we're like a universe so all I'm interested in is singularity all I'm interested in is that geometric point so if I'm ever lost and I ever fall out of alignment which I do every day I'll come back to the self I'll come back to that singularity I'll come back to who I am because that's looking from behind the veils all the other stuff is so on your fairies you really started working on yourself and your craft to be and work with the best people in the world working the fighters and stuff were you working with then well on the doors what I realised was that I never ever worked, I went off after the doors I started to work with some of the best martial artists in the world and was personally trained by them but I never ever learnt more about combat than I did when I was on the nightclub door because the environment demands that you know the truth what's the difference between martial arts and street fighting? efficacy martial arts is a system and it goes off in all sorts of directions but you know what I recognise when I went on the door that I didn't need a system if I wanted to win a fight I just needed to use artifice in a big right cross it took me through hundreds of fights took all my friends through thousands of fights so the art was in preemption and the environment was the environment demanded everything to be stripped back no ostentation when you're standing in front of somebody that might kill you believe me ostentation falls off like a shed skim so I recognise that all the other stuff was as wonderful and as beautiful as it was was unnecessary for immediate combat immediate combat demanded being able to control the endocrine system being able to control their endocrine system using artifice and being able to hit first having the courage to hit first and knowing where to hit that took me through hundreds of fights so I found the secret to that so the martial arts I went into were just like I went into judo and wrestling I just considered them to be back up arts so if I made a mistake and it went beyond the first punch then I'd got judo, I'd got wrestling I'd got all of those different arts I could work on and I did those arts not to become a better fighter I just did them because I loved the study of the art I trained with Neil Adams full time for 18 months I got five judo suits and went into an international class and after 18 months I could hold my own in an international class but for the first six months I got battered I got dropped on my head in fact Neil stopped the class one day and said please will everybody take it easy on Jeff I went to boxing I trained with world class with world class boxers I was on Scott Welsh's camp when he fought for the world title against Haka Wanda I was around judo players, I was around tyre boxers world class tyre boxers so most of my friends, most of my immediate circle were all world class players so I had a lot of prior instruction from them but again same thing I loved the art, I loved the study of it but all of it, all of it I had so much physical in the end but it didn't change Sean we talk about frequencies you would never have been surrounded by them when you were a bouncer because they wouldn't have matched your vibration you were hanging around with other fogs other people who wanted to fight use the doors as an excuse to beat people up then you started changing it's absolutely true what you said Al Ghazali a great Islamic teacher said when we change frequency we are noticed and I love that, we're noticed if we fall into negativity we'll be noticed by negative people or energies, if we fall into positivity we'll be noticed so every time I change frequency teachers just appeared I had access to the best teachers in the world to detrain me free because I was in a frequency where it was irresistible to them so you're absolutely right Can you explain to me what is like a 5th dan, 6th dan what is a dan, what is... So the first dan is a black belt so we get a black belt, that's classes 1st dan and then up to 5th dan they're classes physical grades when you get to 5th dan it's supposed to be a master grade where you start tipping into internal martial arts or hidden martial arts so 5th dan and above is the esoteric so it's the hidden or hidden martial arts but that's not how it tends to work but that's how it should work so you obviously see lots and lots of people who are very senior grades but they've still got big bellies and they've still got drink habits or they're still overeating or they're still addicted to stuff so they're not really spilling into the esoteric if you're spilling into the esoteric you should see it in the person and it should be present in the certainty of what they do so this isn't to criticise them but it's just to say that I was one of those people I was going to the esoteric area and I just wasn't there and training with people or different arts and different ranks made me see that made me realise I wanted more I wanted to understand what the secrets of the martial arts were and they were there but they were hidden you have to devastate everything that isn't them you have to devastate the ego there's a lovely saying from Rumi where he says love is not a subtle argument the door there is devastation and it takes us to the beginning of our conversation when you said to me I'm cleaning and I'm reducing but it's painful, that's what he means so the self or God or singularity is not a subtle argument the door there is devastation the door there is not love we have to devastate everything that's not kindness we have to devastate everything that is not centre and that is absolutely painful How do you sleep in that Jeff? How do you sleep in patterns and stuff? I sleep really well I've got a really good routine my day my life is orchestrated and fully immersed in spiritual development that's my whole life God Jeff would call it the work I just do the work so I get up about five I do some qigong which is breathing I meditate I have a bit of breakfast I follow a vegan diet that's purely because of the energy I want in my body needs to be as pure as possible and then I write or I study all day depending on what's going on then I meditate midday then later on I'll do some yoga and meditate after yoga before I have my tea and although it feels as though you've let go of all the things where people go yeah but what about all that stuff what I found is that when I reduced all those things the flavours massively enhanced and I reduced the need to consume you know all of these kind of rich things all the things that people are frightened to let go of the flavour of everything that I had became enhanced so that was the secret so the less I ate the more I appreciated it's the same with sex my sex is intimate and it's erotic and it's beautiful but it doesn't involve any imagery from anybody else it's just an intercourse of energy an exchange of God for God with my wife so I don't allow anything to come into that see that's what I struggle as well it's everything that I want to get it's all been empty there's no connection there's sexual energy exchanges putting a charging your phone up or whatever it is, you're exchanging energies you're taking on however you're sleeping with trauma the people they've been with trauma and you're exchanging that even watching porn, there's scientific studies proved that if you watch porn every day you are depressed, you are lonely you are insecure and even people with father figures if your father isn't there girls are more likely to fall pregnant younger boys are more likely increases going to prison is so many different factors but again we can understand that because I kind of study I'm not a very good reader but I listen to audiobooks and I watch videos on YouTube about and I'll pick up certain things and it resonates with me and it feels good the one thing I do when we talk about food I struggle with food as well like I can eat good for 3-4 days and then I'll eat crap for 3 days this is something that I'm working on I've lost over a stone I will get to where I need to be and it will take me to another level but there's a barrier there for some reason when it comes to doing well and then self-sabotage even doing this stuff that I'm doing with the podcast and the documentaries there's sometimes every day I think that go and fuck it because a lot of pressure comes with it there's a lot of stress and I'm dealing with it very well but I worry sometimes that the self-sabotage and I just rip the whole ceiling down and just destroy it all that can scare me as well so there's two personalities there so it's not what you're eating James it's what you're feeding it's who you're feeding so the part of you that wants to overeat is taking over so the ego is going yeah he's had a tired day he's feeling a bit stressed I'll climb in and I'll take over so he takes over your will so your kingdom is lost and during that time when you're taken over by that alternate personality just overeat or over drink if you open the door to one negativity you open the door to them all if you've got a leak anyway you've got a leak everywhere so you recognise that it's not you that's doing that but there's an element in you rising up you have to subjugate that you have to control that this is what Gandhi did if you get a chance to read Gandhi he built his whole empire on palette he said once you control the palette you control the senses if you control the world because you found your geometric point so the palette a lot of people ignore it but you've rightly picked them on it we've got to get the palette right so it's not what you're eating it's what you're feeding so I just eat a very very light diet I keep control of my food because once I let too much food in other elements want to come in as well have you ever heard of a thing called sungazing sungazing is looking directly at the sun it might sound crazy for people so everything that's grown from the earth that we eat which is good for us is look fruit veg that's the sun's reserves it's the sun that grows that so we eat that we're actually eating the sun's reserves but there's people in there who actually cut out food and just look directly at the sun now they say you go blind when looking at the sun it's a myth it doesn't happen but you must look at that an hour before sunrise or an hour before sunset when the rays aren't as strong you can bulge your eyesight up to it so it's the main energy source it's there for a reason so they say when you look directly at the sun that aligns everything back in your body and if you can do it up to half an hour you'll be cured of the old diseases and pain for the rest of your life it's a powerful thing sungazing may check it out it's something that came across my path for the last couple of years like I say it is an energy source that we don't use people wear sunglasses and it blocks out but what we mustn't forget is that forgive me sorry to interrupt you what we mustn't forget is that if you get distracted by that I would massively encourage you to just keep thinking about the centre keep thinking about the self and all of the things that are rising up all the aberrations, overeating, anger anything that spills out great you know it's there just get rid of it just reduce it you'll locate yourself in the self you'll be situated there and then your consciousness will expand to other teachers, other resources because you are seen as a stable energy if you can't control the food yet and you can't control these angers you're seeing them which is brilliant but if you can't control them you're not going to be given access to more energy because there will be a party that will just at some point go fuck it and like you said pull the feeling down so this energy won't risk that it will only come into a clean vessel so the more you contract and get control of the pallet and get control of these these other energies the more access you will get to influences and the more access you will get to resources in Buddhism they say you will be given two Dharma protectors, one here one here, the giants they will protect you they're real, they'll protect you and they'll also make sure that your transport is provided they'll make sure that your supper is there they'll make sure your rent is paid these will appear when as you start you get this protection around you as you start to get more and more centered so I would just really try to excite you with just do just like when I was on the door and I realised it was just about preemption I let it go of everything and I just worked on that and I became prolific with the self once I realised it was just about the self I just started to make my bettera, all I did was work on the self just work on getting rid of it everything that's not the self and you get rid of it, it's not fancy you just get rid of it by not engaging it you seem in a great place brother it's great to see, watch our plans for the future I can only tell you what I'm going to do in the next five minutes and that's going to hopefully someone will make me cup of tea yeah they will I've got I've just written a book called 99 reasons to forgive I'm looking for a publisher for at the moment we've got a film about alcoholism I lost my sister this year to alcoholism I lost my brother when he was 40 to alcoholism all this stuff I know and I couldn't help them and you know what I couldn't help them because they didn't want to help I love them, that's all I could give them I can help a stranger more than I can help the people closest to me so we've got a film coming out called three sacks full of hats which is about alcoholism which we're releasing on Amoleto website in the next month or so we've got this film in America with Orlando at the moment, Orlando Bloom it's called Retaliation in America that's getting massive reviews they're comparing him to De Niro in Taxi Drive and Oscar for this they're talking about he deserves it because he's brilliant, he was amazing so that's ongoing and I'm just studying I'm really enjoying getting up every day and studying but the same as you, I've got challenges I've got energies trying to rush in me that I'm converting Have you ever read Many Leaves, Many Masters? Just remind me who that was by I think I have It's about I don't remember the name but it's about talking about the pain of this life if you don't sort out your pain and trauma with this life you can win another life with the exact same stuff but they add one on sisters and stuff being an alcoholic man and stuff in the family we've got bad gamblers I was a bad gambler Do you think you can pass down from generation to generation you can win your DNA as well some addiction issues I call it the genetic inheritance or the genetic gift or genetic curse Where can people get your books? They can get the books through Amazon they can get the books through good book shops the only place you can get me online is on I've got an Instagram page Jeff Thompson Official and anything I'm doing new on there will be on that page Jeff Thompson Official For anybody watching looking for advice, maybe struggling maybe wanting to be a criminal maybe battling depression, fear, guilt, anxiety maybe wanting to come forward and speak about their abuser what advice would you give for them I would just say just be courageous the thing that you're running away from you know every time you run away from it it grows, it gets fat it gets fat on your fear instead of running away from it just turn into it, embrace it this three dimensional monster will become a two dimensional cartoon and if you intercourse with it it will dissipate it has no reality if you don't engage it it will take tremendous courage but I'm doing it James is doing it so with the people out there that are doing it it's possible, we're showing you it's possible it can be done, you know and if you look at theology, you look at Anguli Marla was a Buddhist saint, killed 99 people before he was, before he turned to love you've got St Paul who wrote 17 of the books in the New Testament he was a a murderer he crucified Christians before he turned if you look at Milarepa, a Tibetan saint they're called a murder turned saint these are all people in our holy books who lived extreme lives before they turned the people who are living extreme lives have more potential for consciousness than anybody else because they know what it feels like at the other end and they've got lots of energy to convert Mandela was a great example and he spent 30 years in jail before he realised that hate and war was not going to solve the problem of hate and war when he came through the gates at Robin Island he said, if I don't leave my hate here it's going to come with me and it's going to permeate everything his message went from bombing people to we've got to work with another level of energy we've got to work with love and he had lots of spiritual experiences I met his bodyguard I met his bodyguard in a serendipitous meeting a guy called Chris Lloob and he told me of some of the miracles that happened to Mandela when he was being tortured he told me Mandela was buried up to his neck in the mud and all the guards pissed on his head and one of the guards took a spate to put it across Mandela's head this is what Mandela told Chris and this voice said to Mandela don't worry, they won't be able to hurt you he won't be able to touch you and the guy just froze he couldn't do anything and they were going hit him, kill him and this voice said don't worry they won't be able to do anything to you Mandela had lots of spiritual epiphodes in there that showed him that love was the answer kindness was the answer it had to be muscular it had to make it work in the world so all of these people are examples of people that went from lives of extreme crime into lives of benevolence and service it's possible that's what's so great about leaf no matter how dark your life is there's always change, there's always light everybody's prime example you're prime example, these people you mentioned are prime example and it's a beautiful thing for coming on today brother and telling your story it's amazing, I think it's great what you've done, it's phenomenal actually everything you've achieved but there's so much more to come and I can't wait to see the rest of you thank you check out more of my podcasts on the right and be sure to like, share and comment your thoughts on this week's podcast thank you