This is a poorly executed but high concept response to The Lonely Island's Natalie Portman Rap from SNL. I studied film with my classmate Akiva Schaffer so consider this a tribute.
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We're sitting here today with idiot Ryan Reyes
Natalie (yes) what the hell's wrong?
Confess, was it PMS singing on that song (no)
Let's hang out! Give me a call!
You better not have an angry cyclops
between two balls
Now I feel like Eminem's Stan
Stressed and depressed, are you a man?
Is there a pistol in your holster?
Is that why they cut the full frontal from 'Closer'?
(Do you really want to know?) Yes!
(Do you really want to know?) I just said!
(Is that what you want?)
What's with this suck my d*ck gibberish?
V is for Vagina, lick my clitoris!
I know all there is to know
about the Crying Game
I've had my share of the Crying Game
'Cause my heart's Broke, what? Back Mountain
Natalie I bet you woulda found Osama
Queen Amidala (Evie Hammond) Hot Momma!
Whatever it is they call ya, you're so cute!
Harvard, a vegan, and a good actor too!
I bet you can spontaneously combust on que
But real quick what's with bald chicks saying
(Suck my d*ck!)
Well, I guess it sells tickets and licorice
You put the P.H. in filth, lick my clitoris!
What a wicked thing to do
to make me dream of you
What a wicked game to play
to make me feel this way
Natalie, I'm not crazy, I'm not an obsessed fan
I just wanna walk hand in hand
with you in the sand
I'll gladly do your laundry, watch Dirty Dancing
Here's an idea, a doppleganger tag team!
(Ideas are bullet proof)
And this is the truth, unless I'm way off (chaos)
You want to quit this stardom sh*t &
take the day off (all the time)
So you can spend it with me
topless at the beach
Screaming suck my d*ck to paparazzi!
(Do you understand what I'm telling you?)
Yeah, Britney style bee-itches! F*ck you!
(Sorry about that little interuption there)
(Believe me Natalie, listen Natalie, this is)
(Living side by side in peace)
The mashup includes footage/music from V For Vendetta, The Crying Game, G.I. Jane, Closer, The Upside Of Anger, The Killers, John Lennon, Queen, Chris Isaak, Johnny Cash, Brokeback Mountain, George Bush, the war in Iraq, & Natalie Portman's Rap with original music by King Barf.
Original Song's lyrics:
Chris: We're sitting here today with film star Natilalie Portman.
Chris: So Natalie, tell us what a day in the life of Natalie Portman is like?
Natalie: Do you really want to know?
Chris: Please tell us.
I don't sleep motherf*cker off that Yak and the durbin'
Doin' 120 getting' head while I'm swerving
(Seth: Damn Natalie, you a crazy chick.)
Yo, shut the fuck up and suck my dick.
I'm bustin' dudes valves like gushers motherf*cker.
Pull up to NBC and smack the sh*t outta Jeff Zucker.
What you want Natalie? (To drink and fight!)
What you need Natalie? (To f*ck all night!)
Don't test me when I'm crazy off that airplane group
Put my foot down your throat til your sh*t's in my shoe.
Leave you screamin, pay for my dry-cleaning
F*ck your man it's my name that he's screamin?
Chris: I'm sorry Natalie, are we to believe that you condone driving while intoxicated?
Natalie: I never said that I was a role model
Chris: But, what about the kids that look up to you, do you have a message for them?
All the kids lookin up to me can suck my dick
It's Portman motherf*cker, drink til I'm sick
Slit your throat and pour nitrous down the hole
Watch you laugh and cry
While I laugh, you die
And to all the dudes, you know I'm talking to you
(We love you Natalie!) I wanna f*ck you too!
(Hey!) It's for Portman!
(Hey!) It's for p*ssies!
I'll kill your f*ckin dog for fun, so don't push me
Chris: Well Natalie, I'm surprised, all this coming from a Harvard graduate?
Natalie: Well, there's a lot you may not know about me.
Chris: Really, such as?
When I was in Harvard I smoked weed everyday
I cheated every test and snorted all the yay
I gotta def posse, you gotta lot of dudes
I sit right down on your face and take sh*t
Natalie, you are a bad ass bitch (Hell Yeah!)
And I'll always pay for your dry-cleaning
When my sh*t gets in your shoe (What!)
As for the drug use
Well I can't vouch for that
My dick is scared of you (Ooh)
Chris: Natalie, one final question, if you could steal a smooch from any guy in Hollywood who would it?
Natalie: No more questions.
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